The Multiversity #1

Starring Earth 23 Superman (who is also the president and sells auto insurance), Dark Bunny Captain Carrot, Kamala Khan, and Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lantern from Hell's Kitchen.

If Earth One is the place where fancy format comic books of super heroes comes out, and Earth 2 is where The Almost Justice Society live, and Earth Zero is, presumably, the Earth where I'm sitting here typing about which Earth is New Earth, which Earth is New Earth? I have a feeling New Earth will become Earth One and the Earth One Special Format Whatever Books don't actually exist in continuity. Fuck, I don't think this book will probably exist in continuity! Does DC have the rights to publish a Dark Bunny version of Captain Carrot? They might get sued by an anthropomorphic llama!

The issue begins with a narrator getting awfully familiar with me, pointing out that whichever Earth stars on the first page of this comic book has just gotten Multidimensional Lice. It's disgusting. Not as gross as the woman that has lice on her lice! I bet she even has amoebas on her fleas on her lice. She's disgusting.

Not because she has lice! Even clean Earths get lice! She's disgusting because, well, I don't have a reason to cover my ass for calling her disgusting just because she picked up lice somewhere. Maybe we should talk about something else really quickly so you forget that I was being an asshole last paragraph.

How does this comic book know that I'm doing a commentary as I read it? And that I have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me telling me "It's all eyes"? That's what everybody else sees too, right?

This must be that haunted comic book everybody was talking about on Comicsverse last week! Except only spambots were logging on to the Comicsverse Comic Forum because that place wishes it was haunted.

Okay, I admit it. I see a monkey in a pirate suit too. But I do have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me, so it's kind of weird. And I am basically dissecting the comic book, right? Am I a Monitor too?! Just like Nix Uotan! He's called Superjudge and I love to super judge people! And Judas the Elizabethan Cat is like Stubbs the Pirate Monkey! They both wear clothing and act crazy! I'm going to save the Multiverse!

The first world Mr. Monkey and Nix travel to is Earth-7 where shit is going down hardcore. Is that what the kids say instead of apocalypse? The first hero of 52 worlds that Nix rescues is Thunderer. Nix also meets some of the bad guys who call themselves The Gentry.

Hee hee. Demogorgunn is made of naked people.

The bad guys are all asshole comic book readers that can't text correctly. It's a good thing I don't use "2" for "to" and "yu" for "you" and "yr" for "your" or else I'd think that Grant Morrison was making me the villain! Although I do kind of resemble Lord Broken, if you squint just right and nail boards to me and install a few windows on my face.

I bet the comic book readers are the villains because we read the story to the conclusion. We make the events happen as our eyes move from panel to panel. We control time in the comic book and thus we have the power to stop reading and save everyone. So we should all stop reading this comic book just like we're supposed to so that nobody else dies! You evil jerks! Stop reading! I mean, I'm not going to stop reading because I already know I'm an evil jerk. But you guys are innocent puppies! Put the comic book down and go home and kiss your mother on the lips. Use a little tongue. Make her feel loved again!

I used to blame my Cousin Jason for ruining Arseface's life in Preacher. He stopped reading the comic book when Arseface appeared, leaving him in pretty much the most miserable position he was in in the comic book. He couldn't read anymore because of what Ennis was doing to that character and because he was being called Arseface as a joke. But I pointed out that Arseface goes on to be a rock and roll god who is worshiped by millions. He winds up loving his life and being a hero to many! But Cousin Jay squelched his destiny and left him a wreck living with a shitty father! What a jerk, that Cousin Jay! He's the biggest villain of all!

Nix wakes up in his own bed on whatever Earth Superjudge hides on. He drops my comic book which continues the story over on Earth-23 with Insurance Salesman, Mr. President Superman.

Ugh! More Brainiac! Don't we have enough Brainiac already?!

While in a meeting with the Justice League, Superman winds up transported through Lex Luthor's Parallel Universe Parallelagon Trapemorph Cosmic Cube Thingamajig. That thing is dangerous! Superman winds up on the beat to shit Monitor's Satellite. Unless it's Warworld. But Jim Starlin isn't writing this, so it's not Warworld.

Silly Rabbit! Multidimensional Parallel World Transmatter Cubes are for vermicious knids!

Captain Carrot leads Superman into the Watchtower meeting room to find a scene out of the Annual Justice League Interview and Internship Day. I guess every Justice League calls their headquarters the Watchtower because this place exists. At the recruitment drive/kidnapping festival, Superman meets a Swamp Thing and a Gypsy and a Bloodwynd and a Hawkman and an Aquawoman and a Lady Quark and a Chibi Wonder Woman and a Chibi Steel and Dinocop and a Green Lantern and, um, Johnny Quick? There's also a guy with white hair and electrical powers that I don't recognize. Not that I recognized Dino-Cop either! But he was named by Captain Carrot earlier, so I figured the guy with Stegosaurus fins and the cop uniform must be Dino-Cop. Also somebody named Spore should be here somewhere and I'm guessing it's not Dave Sim's Spore from Cerebus! Although if they never actually show him, I'll just assume it's him. Maybe Dave Sim was paid so Morrison could use Spore? No, DC wouldn't give Dave Sim half of the profit on this comic book and I think that's the only way Dave works. Everybody gets equal shares!

I take it Thunderer is an indigenous inhabitant of Australia. I've often thought there should be an aboriginal Australian super villain named Didgeridoom.

Superman plugs his Brainiac systems into the Monitor's Watchtower and brings up the satellite's computer system: Harbinger. Even after all these years, I didn't need to see the name when the face appeared. I think some worlds might be fucked here pretty soon.

Harbinger lets the gathered heroes know that they've been brought together to save the Multiverse (not the Omniverse, you dumb douchebag!) because the Monitors are too dead to save it. And being heroes (and not the fact that they can't go home if they say no), they agree to save the day! All the days! Every one of them! Forever!

President Superman gets to meet some of the other heroes. The Johnny Quick looking guy is Red Racer from Earth-36. Aquawoman is from Earth-11. Lucky Earth-11! So much better than stupid, useless New Earth Aquaman.

Earth-36 is the gay Earth. And I'm basing that not on Green Lantern and Red Racer's affection for each other but on the most powerful dildo in the universe held by Green Lantern.

Obviously dildos aren't inherently gay (or even close to inherently gay); I'm just doing the gay math from this scene.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, I'm surprised Captain Carrot hasn't fucked everything already. Rabbits love to fuck!

A small team of Red Racer, Captain Carrot, President Superman, Thunderer, and Aquawoman head out in the Ultima Thule in search of Earth-7 so they can save Superjudge. Except they wind up on Earth-8 because President Superman isn't as good at jazz as everybody was expecting he'd be. You know why. Because he's Superman.

Earth-8 is where DC keeps its fake Marvel characters hidden from their lawyers. It's possible they're from somewhere else but their enemy is Lord Havok, a Dr. Doom ripoff. And he's stolen Wundajin's Lightning-Axe, Mjoljolchop. Anyway, the team of heroes on Earth-8 are called the Retaliators because that's a synonym for Avengers!

See? Crusader is Captain America and Machinehead is Ironman and that one over there is Hawkeye and that one there is Black Widow and right up front is Spidery Person.

And who is the guy in the background in the suit just looking all normal and regular and shit? Why it's Deuce Danner who turns into the Tiny Tantrum!

Oops! I mean he's Dwayne Dibbley who turns into the Behemoth! Incidentally, I wonder why Behemoth wants more nuns?

I wonder whose job it is to change Behemoth's diapers? Probably Jeeves's! Or Nick Furry, Agent of the Regal Beagle's job!

The DC Comics guys team up with the "Major" Comics guys and head off to stop Lord Havok from cracking the Genesis Egg. But they're too late! The egg has already hatched!

I told you jerks to stop reading! Look what you've done!

And that's it for this month! I think my favorite moment was when Grant Morrison, using The Judge of Worlds' voice, calls the readers ingrates! I think he might be a bit sick and tired of all The New 52 whiners and naysayers! Of course, they'll read it and think he's in support of having kept the old world because they're all stupid dodo heads who forget that comic books aren't about the history of the characters or the characters themselves, really. The comic books are all about the writers. Look at how many idiots supported Scott Lobdell's shitastic run on Teen Titans simply because they loved those characters? Ugh. Those were the worst characters ever! And not because I have any personal grudge against any of them. It's just they were all written terribly and, thus, they were the worst characters ever! After Green Arrow and Catwoman, of course. And pretty soon after Klarion the Witch Boy!

This comic is what DC Comics should be doing more of. Have fun with characters. Stop being mired in continuity and the need for grim, "adult" stories of grimness and grimgrimmygrimington. Hopefully DC is learning their lesson. I take heart in the change in tone of the upcoming Batgirl and, even though he has to pretend he's dead, Grayson seems to be a more upbeat version of Dick's life. Now more of this Captain Carrot! I don't think he dropped one pun the whole time. What is wrong with him? Um, I mean, why can't Grant Morrison write puns? Too embarrassing, isn't it, Grant, to stoop so low? Wait a second. Weren't you looking to write The Flash? That guy is all puns, dumb dumb!

Batman and Robin #34

I don't know which chapter of Robin Rises this is because I got the Selfie Variant! I hope it's Part Two!

Apparently Batman has sent out notes of apology to all of his Bat Kids because they've now gathered in the Batcave to help him get his dead son back. Although apologizing doesn't sound like a thing that scares cowardly lots, so maybe the Bat Kids have decided to come because they care about Damian and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred Pennyworth Cat. Red Hood might just want to earn some extra miles by taking a trip to Apokolips. Also that's a chance to shoot to kill! No way to pass up that offer! Batman had better not start shouting "Aim for the knees!" once they start facing off against parademons. Bruce is a bit of a control freak.

I hope Titus gets a cowl for the trip. He'd look so cute!

Being that those apology cards seem to have been lost in the mail, the Bat Kids are a little apprehensive when it comes to trusting Bruce.

Bruce is fucked. When they find out that Nightwing is still alive, I don't think they're going to accept "That secret was before the Pact of Truth!" excuse.

The stupid Bat Kids believe Batman is going to be open and honest with them from here on out, so they agree to help him. Dumb dumbs! Fool them once, ha ha! Fool them twice, they're a bunch of idiots because he's going to fool them again!

That counted as an apology? Cripes! I've been doing them wrong all along! Also, why is Bab's ass buzzing?

Batman shows him his Mother Box. None of them crack a joke, not even Jason Todd. Then he explains that it opens up a portal to a place called Apokolips where Batman says he "once paid a quick visit to." No, you once made three quick visits to it. Once to rescue Superman and twice because Cyborg's teleport power relies on Boom Tube technology and misfired a couple of times. Why do I remember that? Because I'm Jonni DC, dammit!

Bruce explains to them what he's been up to lately (leaving out the Nightwing stuff, of course! And his daily masturbation routine) before telling the Bat Kids that they're not going on the mission to Apokolips with him. He just wanted to let them know that he cares. And probably put tracers inside their sandwiches.

Once they leave, Dick Grayson shows up to eat some tracers too.

Great. Now Titus has a tracker in him too.

The four people Batman wants to distract do not include Superman because he's battling Brainiac or something. Maybe he's writing a blog post for Clarkcatropolis.com. While Aquaman (why did he need to distract him?!), Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and Shazam are chasing holographic tails, Batman sneaks on board the Justice League Satellite to steal his Hellbat suit. Luthor remains on the satellite because Bruce and Lex needed a chance to have a bit of a heart to heart. You know, one billionaire to another. No other member of the Justice League knows the pressures and stress of being incredibly wealthy.

How touching. Does this mean Luthor is currently doing whatever it takes to resurrect Bizarro?

Then Batman Boom Tubes to Apokolips to get into a fist fight with Kalibak. Probably.

Batman and Robin #34 Rating: No change. So the fallout from Death of the Family is officially over which is good because otherwise it was just sort of sitting their in the hallway like a forgotten umbrella to which nobody knows whom it belongs. Death of the Family seemed like it was really going to put a major strain on Batman and the Bat Kids but barely anything came of it. And now it's forgotten! Everybody is best friends again! At least until Dick Grayson shows up to the next Bat Family portrait alive and kicking. Hopefully Batman is practicing his surprise reaction. "Oh my god! Can you guys believe it? Look who isn't dead at all? Wow, I'm floored. Just utterly shocked! I'm embarrassed to think of myself as the World's Greatest Detective now. Wow. Just...wow. Oh my gosh. Babs! Babs, are you seeing what I'm seeing? I think I need to sit down for a second."

Pandora #14

Yes! That fucking whore Supergirl can go fuck that lame Michael all she wants if Tig appears in this comic book! Um, I called Michael "lame" because he's a stupid girlfriend stealing douchebag and not because he's in a wheelchair. That would be wrong and I never say insensitive things. Except for maybe that whore comment. But that's understandable because she broke my heart and I have to condition myself to hate her or my pillow will forever be soaked in tears!

I was watching some Big Brother earlier tonight because it's the best show on television. And that's coming from the voice of the resurrected soul of John Steinbeck, Jim Morrison, and George Eliot, so you have to weight the merits of that statement with that in mind. The part I want you to keep in your mind is how you'd listen to and respect the opinions of the people I just named, so you should respect my opinion too. Don't keep in your mind that nonsense idea that I suddenly believe in a transmigratory soul that jumps from human being to human being like a sexually transmitted disease. Anyway, I was watching Big Brother and took some notes on some commercials I wanted to discuss.

First, they've released a new television trailer for A Dolphin Tale 2, possibly in my response to the feelings it generated in me which were substantial enough to arouse my ardor and rewrite the trailer for them. I may have used some words incorrectly in that last sentence. Now instead of a trailer showing a bunch of white people (plus Morgan Freeman, who, come on, is pretty much a white guy) patting themselves on the back for fixing a white person problem (namely helping a captive dolphin not be lonely or some shit), the trailer shows a bunch of white people who love a dolphin very much but realize that they have to "release it from captivity" if it's going to survive. So now they're patting themselves on the back for freeing an intelligent animal from a cage even though they loved it very much and it was hard to give it its freedom because they would lose their good shiny feelings forever. Way to go, White People!

The second commercial is the Best Foods Olive Oil Miracle Whip Commercial where some guy in a firehouse has just made sandwiches for the rest of the firemen. They're digging in, biting deeply into sandwiches with white, gooey goo dripping out the sides and running down the corners of their mouth when the guy who made them says, "That's not Miracle Whip in your sandwiches!" And they keep eating! Nobody fucking spits that cum sandwich out and begins vomiting all over the table! I'm surprised the guy that made the sandwiches wasn't fucking beat down before he could get out the second sentence which is, "That's a different kind of Miracle Whip in your sandwich! Um, surprise? No? No big deal? Enh, I jerked it on the bread, you dildos."

The last commercial I wanted to discuss is an Esurance commercial. Those commercials have really gone downhill since they fire Erin Esurance as their mascot. She was cuter than Supergirl! But not Tig! Anyway, some woman is standing on the roof of her house with a megaphone shouting about how she needs help fixing her house. Her neighbors stand around judging the way she's going about her business. One says, "That's not how you do that." No? That's not how you have a mental breakdown? Because your neighbor is fucking losing it and you're trying to point her to some insurance website? Go fucking calm her down and get her off the roof, you asshole! Before she starts shooting kids off their bikes!

That's it on my current round of commercials that get me muttering like a madman at the television while the Non-Certified Spouse just looks at me and says, "Why do you even bother watching television?" Although she probably feels like she's getting a break from my ranting when it's just commercials playing on the screen. You should see me froth at the mouth when the local news is on! Holy fuck I hate those idiots!

Oh wait! I forgot one! That trailer for November Man looks good, doesn't it? What was the pitch meeting for that movie? "Imagine this: the best killer ever. Now imagine this: the other best killer ever. Now--are you imagining?--imagine this: they're trying to kill each other!" Jesus Christ. Enough with the movies where the protagonist manages to be missed by five thousand bullets in two hours.

Okay! Now the Final Issue of Pandora starring, hopefully, Tig! Although I didn't like the art in the last issue at all and it's the same art team of Portela and Dalhouse this time. Maybe I don't want to see them draw Tig? I'm so nervous!

Oh my God! What did they do to you Tig?!

Ha ha! Just kidding! That's a picture of Will Arnett. Or Amy Sedaris. Definitely not Alison Brie!

Pandora currently has a problem. SHADE Agent, Agent Kincaid, took away her healing powers. Now the immortal can't heal and she can't die, so she's kind of fucked up. But she has a plan and it involves becoming a vampire! Maybe. That seems to be where the story is headed after reading the first two panels. Maybe she'll become Harvest?

Pandora, Shade Agent Agent Kincaid, and Giganta have become vampire hunters! They might even be better vampire hunters than that cheerleader that had a television show for a few years.

Really? I was going to say AIDS.

I hope nobody uses the phrase "the big bad" during this issue.

One of the vampires turns into mist and gets away because they do that kind of thing in comic books. Real vampires can't turn into mist though. That's just superstition! Real vampires wear lots of mascara and black clothing and sit on the park bench furthest away from everybody else on their high school campus rolling their eyes at the fools that enjoy being around other people.

While Pandora searches for the misty vampire, she meets Andrew Bennett.

That's going to suck, what with the not being able to heal and all.

Once the misunderstanding is over, Bennett and The Mother of All Monsters begin hunting together.

I see Pandora's clothes still retain most of their healing ability.

Meanwhile, SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid hires Giganta to join the Creature Commandos. She can be the incredibly shrinking woman! Of course she shrinks down from giant size to normal size but you have to stick with the classic name, right? Also, can Giganta go smaller than her normal height?

The Big Goods encounter lots and lots of vampires including one that is probably referred to as a vampire king since it's like a bunch of vampires all tangled up into one grotesque, piss-smelling vampire. I can see how that would be good if you want to scare the shit out of someone but it doesn't seem like it would be particularly advantageous in a fight. Too many arms and legs spoil the soup or something. Why do we talk in cliches and idioms? I blame Jesus for never being able to give his disciples a straight answer. It was always "parable this" and "allegory that." And his disciples never understood anyway so Jesus always had to explain what he meant by the story anyway. No wonder he allowed himself to be killed. Who would have wanted to spend another day with those assholes after they got trashed and blacked out at Gethsemane?

They defeat the vampires and not a sign of Tig. Poopsicles.

SHADE Agent Agent Kincaid extends her offer of employment to Pandora as well to do good by hunting monsters. That's a good idea! Get the Mother of All Monsters to lead the Creature Commandos! Is that comic book going to fire up again next year with a new roster? Pandora, Mother of All Monsters! Giganta, The Incredible Shrinking Woman! Dr. Jekyll and Missus Hyde! Nina, the Lady Creature from the Black Lagoon! And Agent Kincaid, The Dark Half! Hmm, maybe this should just be the roster for the next Birds of Prey.

Pandroa #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. Possibly -10 Ranking. Was this the final issue? What the fuck was the point of Pandora? Her entire connection with Flashpoint and the reboot was never followed up in this series. Or was it? Did I sleep through significant revelations? It's possible I didn't notice what I was reading because I was trying to think up some new dick jokes. Speaking of dick jokes, take another look at the cover. Is Andrew Bennett wielding his cock? His hand looks uncircumcised. Um, anyway, I guess that's the end? Or something? For now! Because, you know, there's a Futures End issue next month which you can forget about by October since it takes place in a future that will never come to pass. Probably.

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!

Infinity Man and the Forever Making Fornication Jokes People #3

Oh yeah! Touch that box, you New Genesissians! Touch it hard! I mean gently! Whichever way mothers like their boxes touched best! Not that I don't know. I totally know! But I probably shouldn't say for some secret reason having to do with thinking about the children. Not that I think about children while touching women's secret areas!

People constantly say (at the expense of saying things like, "How was your day?" or "I hope you're happy" or "Do you want to get naked with me?") that when you get to the end of your life, it's not the things you did but the things you didn't do that you'll regret. Can anybody ever say anything more depressing?! There's only so much time to do shit during your life! When you're old and gray and sitting in a comfy chair eating chocolate covered chocolate to your heart's content, you're going to regret a lot of fucking shit because you'll inevitably have done less stuff than you didn't do! You'll sit there crying all over your smudgy, sticky clothes thinking, "Boy! I wish I hadn't spent so much time doing that one thing I loved when I could have been doing that other thing I think I would have really liked a lot!" You'll also stare at your spouse sitting across from you with chocolate smeared all over your spouse's face and think, "Why did I spend all those years loving just this one person? It was so great but wouldn't it have been better if I'd loved, like, six people just as much?! At least I could have ended up with a spouse that kept out of my fucking chocolate." Then you'll die and cease to exist and you won't regret all that time you spent regretting stuff because you don't fucking exist. Aren't you paying attention? It's like I'm writing for five year olds!

No wait. It's like I'm writing like a five year old. Sorry!

The words "infinity" and "forever" suck because they make me think how my life is "definite" and "terminal." Also the word "people" isn't that great either because fuck other people. Right in the face! You know, if they'll let you. You don't want to regret not having fucked people in the face when you're at the end of your life. Because, believe me, it's pretty awesome.

Why is Rod Serling narrating this issue?

The Forever People have found themselves inside Infinity which probably is as disgusting as it sounds being that one of the characters is named Infinity Man. Plus there's a ton of undigested lettuce lying all over the place, so I'm guessing they're in the Small Eternal Intestine of Infinity. Another reason I think they might be in Infinity Man's bowels: Jim Starlin's art looks like shit. Brozingo!

It's really funny when I say "Brozingo" in response to something I wrote that I thought was funny but not really laugh out loud funny but definitely insulting funny! I bet it's hysterical every single time somebody reads it!

Blah blah blah blah! Infinity Man is an idiot!

I think what the Infinity Man is trying to say is that he doesn't like how the chaotic evolution of the universe created a couple of assholes that now decided that the universe should be shaped in their image. So he's going to reorder the universe by stopping Highfather and Darkseid, going against the natural course of prescribed evolution that created Highfather and Darkseid in the first place! What a hypocrite!

I don't mind that Infinity Man wants to stop Highfather and Darkseid with mucking about in Life and Anti-Life Equations and general universal nonsense. But I do despise his holier than thou attitude while doing it! The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was allowing Dan DiDio to run DC Comics. Hmm, I think I got off track somewhere.

Does Dan DiDio think his legacy is to rewrite all of Jack Kirby's works? I guess we all know who will be writing The Demon when he gets his own monthly title. I'm surprised he's letting Ann Nocenti write Klarion the Witch Boy. I'm surprised he lets Ann Nocenti write anything!

It's Preying Mantis! With an "E"!

Why does there always have to be a test? Can't heroes be chosen because the person choosing the heroes has watched them and studied them and decided they'd be excellent for the job? Enough with all the fucking tests already! You hear me, United States of America School System?!

Mantis gets away without being healed, so I guess that means The Forever People failed the test! Also, the Forever People weren't inside Infinity at all. They were just in a warehouse a few yards away from where they summoned Infinity Man. I guess in-between issues, Infinity Man pulled Mantis into Infinity and carried the Forever People into the barn to get them out of the sun.

Beautiful Dreamer (who apparently isn't so beautiful in The New 52 because everybody just calls her "Dreamer") falls into a fugue state where she speaks with the Anti-Life Equation who has decided to live in her head. It probably taunts her with visions of the next Cosmic Crisis that the Green Lanterns are going to find themselves in. Someone named Lord Aagog is doing something that will cause something to happen somewhere and some people will have to react or something. I bet he only chose the name "Aagog" so he would be listed first in the Cosmic Yellow Pages (which the Green Lanterns could never use). I bet Lord Aagog was pissed when the cosmic dance club, "Aaagogo," opened its doors.

Everyone just looks annoyed that they have to deal with Dreamer and her stupid dreams.

Some of the Forever People say some stupid things and some of the other Forever People say some other stupid things. It's like whoever is scripting this comic book (Dan DiDio!) doesn't have time to actually care about how the characters interact. Almost the exact same way it seems like Jim Starlin doesn't care how the characters look! What else are they doing that's so important that they don't have time to care about this book they're selling to their fans? Also, when is Warworld going to make an appearance?

Somebody call a doctor! Her eyes are leaking oil! I mean, call a mechanic!

I should also mention that the Anti-Life Equation went out of its way to make Dreamer think that Mark Moonrider was going to betray her. So you can rest easy that Mark Moonrider will not betray anybody.

Later there's a scene back on New Genesis where some guy named Hymen (he invented the Mother Box. It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it? Okay fine. His name is actually Himon. But we all know what Kirby meant!) has been told that Infinity Man has made an appearance. Hymen doesn't want anybody to know about it because Hymen is a sketchy motherfucker that's probably working both sides of the New Genesis/Apokolips rivalry. Anyway, the defective Mother Box that now summons Infinity Man was supposed to kill The Forever Kids but it didn't. For some reason that has to do with some woman and her boyfriend. My guess is the woman is Bekka, Hymen's daughter, and the boyfriend is Orion. And this will all be settled in that Green Lantern catastrophe that's going to happen in a month or two.

Back in Africa, Vykin has a problem with the Boom Tube because instead of creating a tube and going "BOOM!", it goes "FOOOM!" and creates an explosion. I hope he sent in the warranty card.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The creative team simply wasn't trying very hard in this issue. I don't think Keith Giffen added much to the script because none of the lame jokes were repeated fifteen different times.

Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre's gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

This is Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there's one thing I can't stand being called, it's obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man's entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc's young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn't exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn't, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn't begin to collapse. I'm glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don't want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn't fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

Batman, Jason Bard, and Killer Croc escape the collapsing cave but leave the Ten-Eyed Man because fuck that freak. He's better off dead! And Batman doesn't have a responsibility to save everybody from death. He's just not allowed to kill them. And by "kill them," I mean they can't die immediately after having been struck by Batman, or at least not until Batman has turned his back on them while they were still breathing.

Now I'm just blatantly repeating myself from past commentaries. But there's only so much one person can write! I think I've used all the words I know. Maybe I should read a dictionary next.

My output on Blogspot for the past few years. Keep in mind, these are all entries personally written by me and not reblogs of funny kitten videos. The first years were before I knew what to do with the blog since I only created it because I came up with the Best Blog Name Ever (according to Doomkopf.com).

Doomkopf.com is the second website I've plugged this commentary and I'm not making any ad revenue! Besides "obvious," I apparently also don't like to be described as "successful."

Did you remember there was a riot breaking out all over Blackgate penitentiary which I thought was Blackgate Prison but I guess I was wrong or something? Harper's father is doing his best to convince delicious, creamy Warden Zorbatos that she should let him escape. Jim Gordon is trying to stop the riot all by himself. And Gordon's cellmate, Leo, is shaving off his beard. Is that because he's going to reveal his secret identity and that he's the mastermind of the entire riot, Rex Calabrese?!

These inmates are smarter than I am! I would have just said, "What the fuck is happening?! G-g-g-g-ghosts!"

Down in the jungle, Doctor Falsario has been murdered. And just when Batgirl was going to bring him in and expose the frame up job on her father! Also just when Leo was singing "in the jungle" because maybe he had something to do with it! Or he might just have been singing that because it's about a lion sleeping and his name is Leo and he was putting on lion's teeth because the lion was finally waking up which is the part of the song that nobody ever hears. But it's pretty metal!

Who????

That last caption was a joke for one single person!

Rex Calabrese is the most terrifying villain Batman has ever gone up against! A paunchy old man with dentures, bad contact lenses, and a horrible lion tattoo on his chest! How will The Jeezly Crow Batman ever defeat him? Although at least Rex chose a lion for his name. That's a whole lot scarier than a stupid bat. Although not that much scarier. All they do is lie around sleeping in the jungle!

Here's a fun fact! Lions don't actually live in jungles!

Isn't Barbara already grown up?

Back in South America, thanks to Batgirl's interference, a bunch of kids are out of a job! Doctor Falsario's knock-off super hero action figure warehouse is closed for good and a bunch of families aren't going to have enough money to eat this month. Nice one, Jerkogirl!

At least Batwoman discovered enough evidence to clear Commissioner Gordon. As long as the legal system in comic books is different than our legal system which probably wouldn't give a shit about this new evidence since the district attorney and the police behind the apprehension of Jim Gordon already have a win on the books and why fuck that up with new evidence from a country that doesn't even speak English!

And you know who we haven't seen much of lately? Spoiler! I mean, Stephanie Brown!

Good thing I'm not a critic so I can spoil all I want! I'm just a guy having a conversation with himself where everybody can sit and stare and watch me mumble incoherently.

Batman Eternal #20 Rating: No change. I hope that wasn't a crack at me and what I do, Scott Snyder and Tim Seeley and company! I may be an idiot with a keyboard but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself a professional idiot with a keyboard! I'm not just some shitty run of the mill review site like COMICSVERSE! I put effort into my scathing, humiliating commentaries about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina! It takes time to craft such perfectly penned insults! If I ever meet you at a convention, Tim Seeley, I'm going to look you right in the face and say, "Who are you?" Then when you say, "Tim Seeley," I'm going to say, "Oh, really? Would you sign this copy of Batman Eternal #20? And could you make it out to 'Your pal, the idiot with the keyboard'?"

Futures End #16

Brainiac can't be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle's Volume Up button decided it didn't want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn't destroy my ear drums, I'll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that, perhaps, the Volume Up button might work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn't as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, "Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now."

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child's hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

Five years from now, cash will be scarce! So no different than my lifestyle now.

I've talked about The Mark of the Beast before but I'll talk about it again because who reads every single one of my posts anyway? Who has the time? I should probably recycle a lot more material than I already do. I don't think self-plagiarism is illegal!

People who believe in The Mark of the Beast kind of crap always have this idea that they'll never fall for it because who would ever, knowing that it means the end of the world, get a mark tattooed on their hand or a chip imbedded in their wrist that would allow them to make purchases? They'd see that coming and say, "Oh no! I know better! Fuck you, Devil McDevilish! No mark for me, thank you!" But nobody ever considers that the reason it would happen is not because everybody would suddenly weigh the benefits of the mark versus the evil it would do bringing about the destruction of the world but because everybody would be fooled into getting the Mark of the Beast. And guess what, assholes? You all fucking fell for it! The Mark of the Beast is smart phones! Eventually (apparently five years from now), money will be used less and less because everybody will just be scanning their cell phones at registers to have their cash deducted straight from their account. And if you were an old weirdo mystic from thousands of years ago and saw a vision of people scanning some mark held in their hand, you wouldn't know to say they were using some kind of mechanical device. You'd just note the vision had a mark and a hand and boom! Mark of the Beast. Y'all are devil worshiping assholes! But don't worry! I'm not using a smart phone and never will because I have a smart head. I prefer to access the knowledge that's in my own brain as opposed to stopping in the middle of every conversation to look shit up like some Future Retard. Also, I don't like for people to be able to get in touch with me.

No Apologies! Press should probably be forced to change the name of their web comic to "Future R-Slur," amirite?

Transparency: I am 1/3 of No Apologies! Press.

More Transparency: The baby in Future Retard is me.

Still More Transparency: I am also the protagonist of Future R-Slur!

Even Still More Unwanted Transparency: Most of the initial scripts for the comic were written at Comic-con in the late nineties. Unless it was in 2000. Is 2000 part of the nineties? I think it is!

Stormguard's cape has too many stripes. Unless five years in the future, they've discovered more original US colonies!

Over on Cadmus Island, King Faraday has decided Fifty Sue, Cole Cash, Deathstroke, and, I guess, Twofer Lana Lang need to investigate the Stealth OMAC troubles. They appeared about a month ago. Right around when Cole Cash came to the island. I'm sure it's his fault somehow.

You know what's been missing lately? All of those Narration Boxes that Cole Cash usually creates in every scene he's in. His constant, miserable narration of every situation he's in is the most entertaining aspect of his character.

Mister Terrific has now become the most intelligent person on New Earth as opposed to the third smartest person that he always bragged about being. Or it's just possible that The Cancelator, whom he's always speaking to, just knows the importance of sunshine inside assholes.

Here's a picture of Super Booster punching out Rampage as Lois Lane ruins her underwear. Unless it's Rampage whose underwear was ruined in this scene. It certainly wasn't mine. Why does Superman have to wear so many clothes?!

Rampage blows off the bottom of Superman's welder's mask with one of the soldier's guns because these soldiers don't know how to keep their hands on their weapons. But just seeing Superman's teeth and part of his cheek bones doesn't tell me anything except that Superman is not Jonah Hex.

Back in space, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein discover the identity of the creature that destroyed Stormwatch and is Borging up everything.

I know! Some reveal! This was on the cover! It might as well have been a Brainiac Selfie cover.

Futures End #16 Rating: No change. Speaking of a Brainiac Selfie cover, I decided to edit the cover so that it became a Selfie Variant. Does that make this an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea variant cover? Finally the reveal of the major antagonist but it's so boring that I have to believe some greater power is manipulating Brainiac. Maybe Brainiac is infected with the Skeets Virus and Skeets is the master behind it all?