Convergence: Green Arrow #2

I miss Green Arrow's wacky beard. And his personality. And his being well written.

I feel bad way down in my nostalgia organ that I'm not enjoying Christy Marx's Green Arrow story. I really wanted to like it so that I could be an excellent critic and write, "Convergence: Green Arrow is truly, truly, truly outrageous!" Then everybody would golf clap and say, "My, my. How droll. Mmm, these cucumber sandwiches are delicious." But instead I'm bored by the story because it feels more like a GI Joe or He-man story than a Jem and the Holograms story. That's because it's teaching me a story about racism instead of a story about not talking behind my best friend's back.

That might have been a sexist statement but it wasn't sexist because I typed it! It was sexist because the 1980s were sexist!

The issue begins with Kingdom Come: Team Powerless monitoring the Bat-monitors.

Where's Ted Kord? I'm going to assume the bald guy with the whackadoodle facial hair is Kingdom Come Oliver Queen.

I really don't remember Kingdom Come that well. I should probably reread it.

This issue is called "Mother and Daughter" because it stars Black Canary and her daughter Olivia, Younger Black Canary. They're pulled into battle to fight against "Father and Son" team, Green Arrow and Connor Hawke. I hope Connor and Olivia don't have sex because that would be alternate timeline half-incest! It's not quite as bad as regular incest but thinking about it still makes me want to crawl inside my own butthole. That means it gives me the heebie-jeebies and not a hard-on.

Stop joking around and start punching each other! You heard the rules! Sheesh!

Christy Marx nails the interaction of two groups of heroes that have been thrown together to fight with each other. Probably because they're all so closely tied together through doing it and family but it still feels right. The weird thing about heroes being pitted against each other is how often it doesn't break out into conversation. Sure there's usually a misunderstanding so the conflict seems to make some sense. But ultimately the heroes fight because they aren't acting like heroes. They give in to fear and react instead of being courageous and patient and waiting to see how the situation plays out. Christy Marx throws people from different realities together but since they're so familiar with the faces of the others, they naturally react as friends (and family!). It's probably my favorite first encounter between Convergence opponents so far. It's also possible I forgot one that I really liked before this.

Dinah suggests they all work together to figure out what's going on. They all agree. Connor Hawke points out immediately that Olivia is practically his sister, just to kill the awkward sexual tension that all the readers were feeling.

The Arrow/Canary Gang find themselves in an abandoned version of Metropolis. They decide to head to the top of the highest building to get a look around.

I guess their real opponent hasn't shown up yet! And since I forgot what the fight card looked like, I don't remember who it might be. Ultron?

It's possible that Telos has lifted the city so that the combatants can't escape from the fight. It's hard to say since every writer seems to have been allowed to make up their own rules for the battle. The only thing they're supposed to add to the story is an earthquake. How is Christy going to put in her earthquake if the city is floating above the ground?

Dinah and Ollie finally realize that maybe they're supposed to battle each other and they're not waiting for somebody else. Am I going to have to take back my compliments to Christ Marx now? Is Ollie going to spin around and put an arrow in Dinah's neck now?!

Telos makes an appearance in this issue to let the Arrow/Canary Gang know that both of their cities will die if they don't fight. Which probably means Ollie and Dinah, knowing each other as well as they do even if they're from different timelines, are going to start fighting to protect their own cities. Of course they'll only be doing it for show but they won't be able to tell Connor and Olivia what's going on without alerting Telos to their deception. So Connor and Olivia will be all, "No! No! My sister! My brother! Mom! Dad! I'm rending my garments!"

The duos split up for awhile so that Connor and Oliver can bond as father and son. It's love at first sight! And now that they've spent two pages becoming best friends, they're ready to take on the other half of the family. Although they suck at it and lose almost immediately. At least they found each other!

Sorry they didn't get to have sweet, sweet interdimensional incest.

Green Arrow and Connor Hawke wake up back in their own Metropolis as losers. They don't seem to put out by failing to save their city. Instead they decide to enjoy whatever time they have left with each other. I'm sure the other citizens of Metropolis aren't so upbeat about their imminent extinction! Except, of course, the earthquake hits and Telos cancels the game and Deimos takes over as the enemy.

Convergence: Green Arrow #2 Rating: The meeting of the heroes on the battlefield was handled better than most. And even when they realized they had to battle and gave in to save their respective cities, they fought only to convince Telos they won. They respected each other but still did what they were obligated to do for the existence of their timelines. That's about all I can ask any of the heroes in this thing. Just realize that people from other timelines aren't actually real. Either they aren't or you aren't, so make a choice! Choose life!

Divergence: Green Lantern Corps: Lost Army
"John Stewart, Two-Six, Kilowog and Arisia are among a group of GL's missing in action! It will be a hard road to survival for The Lost Army!"

I think I can review this Sneak Peek without actually reading it because it was written by Cullen Bunn. Here it goes:

It's boring.

Since the writing will probably be mediocre, I'm at least hoping that Jesus Saiz does justice to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5!

As the introduction pointed out, a small group of Green Lanterns have become lost in space! I don't know where they are or how they got there and I bet Cullen Bunn doesn't either since he's always getting his sectors wrong. I bet the last thing Kilowog remembers is being beat up by Hal Jordan.

2-6-8-1-7-9-5 is not a robot. She should cuss in equations not binary. Besides, her binary is nonsense. But she looks cute!

Great! Their first encounter is with aliens who are, once again, immune to the power of the Green Lantern Rings. Typical!

The team also discovers that the enemies they are facing exist only to erase foreign matter from the universe. Typical!

And then they run into the greatest Green Lantern fremesis ever: Krona! Typcial!

I wonder if it's too late to take this off of my pull list?

Convergence: Green Arrow #1

Most idiotic melee ever! At close range, I don't think bows, uzis, or grenades are your best choice of weapon.

Green Arrow must have come to Metropolis to save his city. I'm so sick of hearing him talk about saving his city on Arrow. Ollie is such an arrogant asshole! Who put you in charge, sir? What makes you think people want to live in your saved version of Starling City? Just continue to fight crime where you can and stop projecting this huge, idealistic goal onto every move you make. Although I bet I'd feel better about myself if I pretended that every act I engaged in was saving the world! I'm beginning to feel heroic already! Every word I type is another dagger in evil's spleen! Take that, politicians! And this, cops! And this and that, journalists! And more of the same to you, dog owners that think leashes are a suggestion! I shall mock and mock until the entire world falls to their knees and cries, "Save us!" And I will look down at you all from my lofty office chair and whisper, "*fap fap fap* No. *fap fap fap*"

I'm going to be so confused by this issue of Green Arrow if Christy Marx writes Ollie as an interesting and likeable character. I suppose the bar for writing a decent Green Arrow story has been set pretty low by every New 52 iteration of the character. And I'm including Lemire's version only because while it outshone every other writer's attempt at New 52 Green Arrow, it simply felt like its own thing, perhaps an Elseworlds story that slipped into main continuity which was promptly ignored after Kreisberg came on board.

Are we taking bets on whether or not a Boxing Glove Arrow is going to appear? I think Post-Crisis, Pre-Zero Hour, goatee wearing Ollie North might be too dignified for a silly old Boxing Glove Arrow. But somebody might joke about one!

The issue begins with Green Arrow keeping Edgar Allan Poe from killing himself.

He really should be flipping off the dome. I think giving the finger should be allowed in Teen Rated comic books. Who does DC think flips the bird the most?!

Green Arrow now spends his time stopping minor street crime. He should be hanging out in jail with his buddy Hal Jordan reminiscing about cross country trips where they made profound realizations about the country's problems which couldn't be fixed by a light construct or a properly placed Boxing Glove Arrow. Instead he's making sure long dead horror authors don't kill themselves with drink. Again.

Later, some white guys try to drive a Mexican family out of their block with crowbars and racisms. You can tell they're racist because they're white and love America. One even wears an American flag bandanna on his big fat bald head to show just how racist he is. The only way you'd know he was a bigger racist is if he were wearing a non-ironic trucker's cap. Oh! Like his buddy! You know their friend is racist because he's white and missing some teeth. Only no-good liberal socialist trash go to the dentist.

Um, Boy...can I call you Boy? Is that your superhero name?...you should work on your retorts.

The racists are wasting their time. Don't they know they're in a DC Comic book? If they just wait an issue or two, the Mexican family will end up Whitewashed. Although maybe knowing they're in a DC Comic book is what they're afraid of. What if the Dome drops and DC decides to reboot them as half-black or gay?!

Well for one, they'd probably wind up with a better wardrobe.

The bald guy is Connor Hawke. Most people reading this book probably knew that. I didn't know that. Perhaps if I had ever been interested in a comic book about a rich guy that wears a mask and uses primitive weapons to subdue criminals, I'd be reading Batman and then I'd have an excuse for not recognizing Connor Hawke. Instead, I just never cared about Green Arrow. Oh! That's my excuse. This whole paragraph was poorly put together. Why don't we surround it with caution tape and just walk away without looking back?

Meanwhile in the basement of the local church...

"While we're at it, somebody check out the purity levels of this guy in the red shirt. I think we've got a passer!"

These white guys might be on to something! They're fighting for a pure America and their American flag might be the first one since The New 52 began that actually got the flag exactly right! I mean, I didn't count the stars but at least the number and color of the stripes are correct.

The racists storm Connor Hawke's Race-Free Sanctuary where nobody sees color or hears cultural accents or smells strange spices sticking to people's clothes. Everybody is the same here! He fires his Green Arrow flares up into the air to create a huge green arrow pointing at his apartment building. Green Arrow sees it and thinks, "Hmm. A literal green arrow! I'm 75% certain that it's meant for me!" He then rushes to help his son save the day. I'm pretty sure Connor is his son because this issue was called "Father and Son." Perhaps I'm being too aggressive in my assumptions?

Fucking white people. And that asshole passing for white.

Green Arrow drives away the Boys of Purity and while they're running away (again), they threaten the person kicking their ass (again). They better come back with better weapons than boards with nails in them and meat cleavers. I bet they're going home to get their grenades and uzis!

With the vile, despicable, gross, problematic human beings gone (see how much I hate them? I have to make sure everybody knows how much I hate them so they don't think I like them by omission of calling them gross), Connor Hawke is able to tell Green Arrow that he's his son. Green Arrow is all, "No way! I can't be your father!" And Connor Hawke is all, "Is it because I have eyes and skin?" And Green Arrow is all, "Those are actually good things, dude."

While they discuss the upcoming Father/Son dance, Planet Brainiac drops the first, second, and other shoe. Immediately after the dome falls, Connor and Ollie wind up in a new city. Kind of. It must be Kingdom Come Metropolis because they round a corner and run into an alternate version of Dinah and a female version of Connor Hawke.

Convergence: Green Arrow #1 Rating: This felt like an episode of Jem and the Holograms except with less music. But I think I learned a lesson about racism in the requisite half an hour allotted to the story (minus commercial breaks for sugary breakfast cereal, fruit drinks in pouches, and toys). I learned that racism is ineffective as a defense against arrows; if your abandoned son ever finds you to deny, deny, deny; and if somebody winds up denying you for whatever reason, blame your stupid eyes and lousy skin and maybe your toes as well. Oh! I also learned one more thing: I'm still not a fan of Green Arrow. Keep trying, DC Comics!

The Multiversity #1

Starring Earth 23 Superman (who is also the president and sells auto insurance), Dark Bunny Captain Carrot, Kamala Khan, and Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lantern from Hell's Kitchen.

If Earth One is the place where fancy format comic books of super heroes comes out, and Earth 2 is where The Almost Justice Society live, and Earth Zero is, presumably, the Earth where I'm sitting here typing about which Earth is New Earth, which Earth is New Earth? I have a feeling New Earth will become Earth One and the Earth One Special Format Whatever Books don't actually exist in continuity. Fuck, I don't think this book will probably exist in continuity! Does DC have the rights to publish a Dark Bunny version of Captain Carrot? They might get sued by an anthropomorphic llama!

The issue begins with a narrator getting awfully familiar with me, pointing out that whichever Earth stars on the first page of this comic book has just gotten Multidimensional Lice. It's disgusting. Not as gross as the woman that has lice on her lice! I bet she even has amoebas on her fleas on her lice. She's disgusting.

Not because she has lice! Even clean Earths get lice! She's disgusting because, well, I don't have a reason to cover my ass for calling her disgusting just because she picked up lice somewhere. Maybe we should talk about something else really quickly so you forget that I was being an asshole last paragraph.

How does this comic book know that I'm doing a commentary as I read it? And that I have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me telling me "It's all eyes"? That's what everybody else sees too, right?

This must be that haunted comic book everybody was talking about on Comicsverse last week! Except only spambots were logging on to the Comicsverse Comic Forum because that place wishes it was haunted.

Okay, I admit it. I see a monkey in a pirate suit too. But I do have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me, so it's kind of weird. And I am basically dissecting the comic book, right? Am I a Monitor too?! Just like Nix Uotan! He's called Superjudge and I love to super judge people! And Judas the Elizabethan Cat is like Stubbs the Pirate Monkey! They both wear clothing and act crazy! I'm going to save the Multiverse!

The first world Mr. Monkey and Nix travel to is Earth-7 where shit is going down hardcore. Is that what the kids say instead of apocalypse? The first hero of 52 worlds that Nix rescues is Thunderer. Nix also meets some of the bad guys who call themselves The Gentry.

Hee hee. Demogorgunn is made of naked people.

The bad guys are all asshole comic book readers that can't text correctly. It's a good thing I don't use "2" for "to" and "yu" for "you" and "yr" for "your" or else I'd think that Grant Morrison was making me the villain! Although I do kind of resemble Lord Broken, if you squint just right and nail boards to me and install a few windows on my face.

I bet the comic book readers are the villains because we read the story to the conclusion. We make the events happen as our eyes move from panel to panel. We control time in the comic book and thus we have the power to stop reading and save everyone. So we should all stop reading this comic book just like we're supposed to so that nobody else dies! You evil jerks! Stop reading! I mean, I'm not going to stop reading because I already know I'm an evil jerk. But you guys are innocent puppies! Put the comic book down and go home and kiss your mother on the lips. Use a little tongue. Make her feel loved again!

I used to blame my Cousin Jason for ruining Arseface's life in Preacher. He stopped reading the comic book when Arseface appeared, leaving him in pretty much the most miserable position he was in in the comic book. He couldn't read anymore because of what Ennis was doing to that character and because he was being called Arseface as a joke. But I pointed out that Arseface goes on to be a rock and roll god who is worshiped by millions. He winds up loving his life and being a hero to many! But Cousin Jay squelched his destiny and left him a wreck living with a shitty father! What a jerk, that Cousin Jay! He's the biggest villain of all!

Nix wakes up in his own bed on whatever Earth Superjudge hides on. He drops my comic book which continues the story over on Earth-23 with Insurance Salesman, Mr. President Superman.

Ugh! More Brainiac! Don't we have enough Brainiac already?!

While in a meeting with the Justice League, Superman winds up transported through Lex Luthor's Parallel Universe Parallelagon Trapemorph Cosmic Cube Thingamajig. That thing is dangerous! Superman winds up on the beat to shit Monitor's Satellite. Unless it's Warworld. But Jim Starlin isn't writing this, so it's not Warworld.

Silly Rabbit! Multidimensional Parallel World Transmatter Cubes are for vermicious knids!

Captain Carrot leads Superman into the Watchtower meeting room to find a scene out of the Annual Justice League Interview and Internship Day. I guess every Justice League calls their headquarters the Watchtower because this place exists. At the recruitment drive/kidnapping festival, Superman meets a Swamp Thing and a Gypsy and a Bloodwynd and a Hawkman and an Aquawoman and a Lady Quark and a Chibi Wonder Woman and a Chibi Steel and Dinocop and a Green Lantern and, um, Johnny Quick? There's also a guy with white hair and electrical powers that I don't recognize. Not that I recognized Dino-Cop either! But he was named by Captain Carrot earlier, so I figured the guy with Stegosaurus fins and the cop uniform must be Dino-Cop. Also somebody named Spore should be here somewhere and I'm guessing it's not Dave Sim's Spore from Cerebus! Although if they never actually show him, I'll just assume it's him. Maybe Dave Sim was paid so Morrison could use Spore? No, DC wouldn't give Dave Sim half of the profit on this comic book and I think that's the only way Dave works. Everybody gets equal shares!

I take it Thunderer is an indigenous inhabitant of Australia. I've often thought there should be an aboriginal Australian super villain named Didgeridoom.

Superman plugs his Brainiac systems into the Monitor's Watchtower and brings up the satellite's computer system: Harbinger. Even after all these years, I didn't need to see the name when the face appeared. I think some worlds might be fucked here pretty soon.

Harbinger lets the gathered heroes know that they've been brought together to save the Multiverse (not the Omniverse, you dumb douchebag!) because the Monitors are too dead to save it. And being heroes (and not the fact that they can't go home if they say no), they agree to save the day! All the days! Every one of them! Forever!

President Superman gets to meet some of the other heroes. The Johnny Quick looking guy is Red Racer from Earth-36. Aquawoman is from Earth-11. Lucky Earth-11! So much better than stupid, useless New Earth Aquaman.

Earth-36 is the gay Earth. And I'm basing that not on Green Lantern and Red Racer's affection for each other but on the most powerful dildo in the universe held by Green Lantern.

Obviously dildos aren't inherently gay (or even close to inherently gay); I'm just doing the gay math from this scene.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, I'm surprised Captain Carrot hasn't fucked everything already. Rabbits love to fuck!

A small team of Red Racer, Captain Carrot, President Superman, Thunderer, and Aquawoman head out in the Ultima Thule in search of Earth-7 so they can save Superjudge. Except they wind up on Earth-8 because President Superman isn't as good at jazz as everybody was expecting he'd be. You know why. Because he's Superman.

Earth-8 is where DC keeps its fake Marvel characters hidden from their lawyers. It's possible they're from somewhere else but their enemy is Lord Havok, a Dr. Doom ripoff. And he's stolen Wundajin's Lightning-Axe, Mjoljolchop. Anyway, the team of heroes on Earth-8 are called the Retaliators because that's a synonym for Avengers!

See? Crusader is Captain America and Machinehead is Ironman and that one over there is Hawkeye and that one there is Black Widow and right up front is Spidery Person.

And who is the guy in the background in the suit just looking all normal and regular and shit? Why it's Deuce Danner who turns into the Tiny Tantrum!

Oops! I mean he's Dwayne Dibbley who turns into the Behemoth! Incidentally, I wonder why Behemoth wants more nuns?

I wonder whose job it is to change Behemoth's diapers? Probably Jeeves's! Or Nick Furry, Agent of the Regal Beagle's job!

The DC Comics guys team up with the "Major" Comics guys and head off to stop Lord Havok from cracking the Genesis Egg. But they're too late! The egg has already hatched!

I told you jerks to stop reading! Look what you've done!

And that's it for this month! I think my favorite moment was when Grant Morrison, using The Judge of Worlds' voice, calls the readers ingrates! I think he might be a bit sick and tired of all The New 52 whiners and naysayers! Of course, they'll read it and think he's in support of having kept the old world because they're all stupid dodo heads who forget that comic books aren't about the history of the characters or the characters themselves, really. The comic books are all about the writers. Look at how many idiots supported Scott Lobdell's shitastic run on Teen Titans simply because they loved those characters? Ugh. Those were the worst characters ever! And not because I have any personal grudge against any of them. It's just they were all written terribly and, thus, they were the worst characters ever! After Green Arrow and Catwoman, of course. And pretty soon after Klarion the Witch Boy!

This comic is what DC Comics should be doing more of. Have fun with characters. Stop being mired in continuity and the need for grim, "adult" stories of grimness and grimgrimmygrimington. Hopefully DC is learning their lesson. I take heart in the change in tone of the upcoming Batgirl and, even though he has to pretend he's dead, Grayson seems to be a more upbeat version of Dick's life. Now more of this Captain Carrot! I don't think he dropped one pun the whole time. What is wrong with him? Um, I mean, why can't Grant Morrison write puns? Too embarrassing, isn't it, Grant, to stoop so low? Wait a second. Weren't you looking to write The Flash? That guy is all puns, dumb dumb!