Convergence: Superboy #2

Who didn't want to do this to 90s Superboy?

Superboy has been sitting on my scanner for about five hours as I keep coming up with other things to do rather than read this comic book. I don't think I'm in the mood for angsty teenage bravado! But I guess I have to get on with it if I want to read Convergence: Green Arrow #2.

Come to think of it, I don't want to read that one either.

Last issue ended with Superman challenging Superboy to act like a Superman. It was completely in character for Superman to act like a gigantic asshole. Actually, being that this is Kingdom Come Superman, it might be! I don't think it is because Magog is the asshole in that comic book. Although wasn't Superman retired because the government frowned on masks? Wait, was that Watchman? And at what point did Parliament blow up?

You know what I should be paying more attention to? The Eisner's! Did you know there was a category for Best Comic Book Journalism? I should have been rallying support for write-ins! Yesterday I heard that I did get one write-in vote! So I'm almost the best comic book journalist!

Currently in this comic book, Superman is hitting Superboy with a plane. It's the kind of image that makes comic book fans go, "Holy heck! Awesome!" But intelligent, pipe smoking, slipper wearing critics like me raise up one finger and say, "A-ha! But how does Kingdom Come Superman, no matter how strong he might be, hold and swing a plane by the tail without throwing out his back? He's an old man, by gum!"

Last issue was narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex. This issue continues to be narrated in dubious fashion by Dubbilex! He's some weird Satyr-like being with telepathy who probably has loads and loads of sex. I've read enough ancient literature to know that horns are a symbol for erect penises. If a creature has horns, look out! Mostly look out for its huge erect phallus.

Speaking of huge, erect phalluses, I bet in the time of Benjamin Franklin, men walked around with pitched tents all the time and the ladies just had to shut up about it.

Superman doesn't understand youthful passion, does he? He just hit Superboy with a plane! Why would Superboy care about anything this jerk said?

Superboy uses his tactile telekinesis to throw a plane into Superman. Now that they're even, maybe Superman will be all, "Heh! You got me! Okay, son, let's work together now." And then Superboy will be all "Don't call me son!" and he'll throw the airport at Superman.

Listen to your own stupid advice, Clark! I think this is that "do as I say, not as I do" crap parents love to pull.

I'm all for doing as I do while I say to do differently. It's the cool lifestyle choice of cool people.

Superboy doesn't give up because Superman tells him to. Why should he? Superman hasn't given him any reason to believe he's a good guy. He began the entire encounter by being a condescending dickhole. And then when Superboy chose not to submit to this asshole, Superman began hitting him with planes. Eventually, Superman escalates things by doing that thing that we all knew wouldn't go well when he finally did it: he calls Superboy "son." Superboy reacts by throwing Superman halfway across Metropolis. That's when Kingdom Come Flash arrives to punch Superboy in the face fifteen thousand times.

How does one know when something "almost" hurts? REM should have called their song "Everybody Almost Hurts".

Dubbilex and Serling run a computer simulation to determine how much of Metropolis will be destroyed if Superboy and Superman continue to fight. The result is "all of it" and "in thirty minutes." Their computer program is as dubious as the narration! Are they taking into account that Superman would never destroy Metropolis by battling for thirty minutes against Zod? I mean Superboy! It's patently ridiculous! And trademarkedly nonsensical!

Red Robin and The Flash evacuate the civilians from around the Superfight which already makes Dubbilex's computer model faulty since they programmed it to include The Flash in the fight. But now he's saving people! That probably means Metropolis has at least fifteen more minutes before it has Superboy-sized holes in the sides of every building. And then that Convergencequake hits which really screws up the computer simulation! Now the city probably only has ten minutes before it's rubble!

If you want to stop fighting, stop fighting! Batman Almighty!

Now that Lois has shown up, I bet they all hold hands and sing "All You Need is Love"! If I had been in The Beatles, I would have gotten laid so many times! But also, I would have called the song "All You Need is Onion Rings."

Lois decides to get an interview with Superman in the middle of the fight so when she gets brained by a piece of rock thrown at Superman by Superboy, I make sure to point out to everybody around me that I have no sympathy for her and she shouldn't have been there and I told you that would happen.

One of my favorite exploitation videos of all time back when Fox loved to air those television shows of people's near deaths caught on tape was one with an Australian school group hiking above a canyon. The teacher is filming and he's got the camera on two girls heading out on a tiny, dangerous looking path. He's yelling at them not to go out there when suddenly the ledge gives way and they begin tumbling into the chasm. He follows them with the camera and as he films it, as they're falling to possible death, he yells, "I told you not to go out there!" What an asshole!

The Flash takes Lois to the hospital where Superman prays they find she has amnesia so he can insinuate himself into her life. After she's gone, he decides to lecture Superboy and point out that if they're going to defeat the mysteryious Telos, they have a better chance if Superman wins this fight than if punk-ass Superboy wins. Superboy doesn't throw himself in front of a bullet like Catwoman does (spoiler if you haven't read Convergence: Catwoman #2 yet! Don't read that previous sentence!) but he does agree to take a few shots from Superman until he's knocked unconscious. According to the cover, Superman strangles him into unconsciousness! Sexy!

Ha ha!

After Superboy is knocked out, Jimmy Olsen steps in to take a humiliating picture of him for the cover of the next edition of The Daily Planet. Is everybody in this comic book a huge asshole?

Convergence: Superboy #2 Rating: I wonder if Justin Gray and Fabian Nicieza read each other's books and were all, "Hey! You got your dick butter in my choco-vagina!" They basically both came up with the same idea. They were given the task to write a match-up where they believed it was more heroic to show their character lose. At least Superboy didn't have to die! Although Lois might still die! I guess Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis is going to be short a few dozen women when this is all said and done. This issue garnered Five Rebellious Attitudes out of Ten because Superman chose to fight but kept blaming the fighting on Superboy. Take responsibility for your actions, Jerko! You could have beat Superboy without ever even throwing a single plane at him!

Divergence: Action Comics
"The epic new storyline 'Truth' begins! For Superman, there's no more holding back!"

Oooh! Doesn't this sound exciting?! A comic book where Superman doesn't hold back? What is this? The nineties?!

Here's the thing, Greg Pak and my good buddy Aaron Kuder whom I once met: I want Superman to hold back more! He should be holding back so much that he never sells another comic book because all of his encounters are so boring! If Superman were written correctly, he'd be a box office disaster! Why can't anybody write the best, most boringest Superman?! Because they're all cowards, that's why! They don't realize that I'd still support a boring Superman. I mean, I wouldn't read or buy any of his comic books or go see any of his movies. But I'd give him good reviews!

This Sneak Peek begins with Superman in Alaska. I guess he's gone to find himself as well? Is he going to drink whisky out of a dead man's anus too?

Superman is probably trying to get home. I guess editorial has decided that the Fortress of Solitude is in the Arctic this month as opposed to the Antarctic. Superman's powers are fading and he can't fly so he's riding a snowmobile. He's also being attacked by Shadow Ninjas!

Ever since Superman discovered his FWASH Power which drains his normal powers, every single writer has decided to write him without powers. And I guess everybody decided that he doesn't just lose his powers for one day. No, now he loses his flight for an unknown amount of time and his other powers have gone completely wonky. I guess DC Comics decided, yet again, that reducing his powers makes him more interesting. Superman's powers are like a sine wave over time. DC will reduce his powers because they think he's too boring when he's all-powerful. Then they realize that he's just not the same striking symbol without being the most powerful hero in all of comics, so they give him back all of his powers. Then they decide that nobody wants to read a guy that can't be beat, and they've all read the guy without powers that still fights the good fight, so they turn him into a stream of electrons or something crazy. I don't know! All I know is that DC Comics truly has no idea what to do with their most iconic character.

Batman is not the most iconic! He's their most popular character! Stop arguing with me, internet!

Superman still has enough power to kill all of the Shadow Ninjas since they must have just been Burnt Stick Golems or something. Then bleeding and freezing, he walks the rest of the way to the Fortress of Solitude.

But the Fortress doesn't recognize him and steals his clothes to leave him to die naked in the Arctic.

Typical.

Convergence: Superboy #1

Everybody put on their leather jackets in solidarity!

The New 52 Superboy has been a complete disaster. But I don't know if Pre-Zero Hour Superboy was really any better. I'm not one to judge because I never followed the post-Death of Superman story. Every now and then I'd ask somebody, "What the fuck is up with that Steel guy?" Or "Who the hell is that Cyborg guy?" Or "Seriously? Superboy in a leather jacket?" Or "Have the Newsboy Legion returned to keep Metropolis safe while Superman rots in the ground?" And then not long after that, I was all, "What the fuck is up with electric Superman?" and "Red and Blue whatzits now?!"

Seriously. I didn't follow Superman at all. The only reason I collected the DC Comics Presents series was because I liked reading about different characters and that was the best DC Comics book on the shelf at the time to read stories based on a variety of characters. They often weren't the best stories but what could you do? If you wanted well written comic books at the time, you needed to be reading Cerebus and Elfquest.

This issue is written by Fabian Nicieza so it's going to be horrible! Although the last Convergence issue he did, Titans #1, wasn't bad at all. That was disappointing. I hope he tried less on this issue.

For the first time since The New 52 began, a Superboy comic book doesn't begin with "My name is Superboy" and then all that shit about NOWHERE and being a living weapon. Yes, I'm exaggerating. There were a few issues that didn't begin that way. But not enough to matter.

For the last year, Dubbilex and Serling have been running tests on Superboy in an effort to return his powers to him. A full year with no results. This probably says a lot about me and nothing about Dubbilex and Serling but I would have quit after a week. And not even a full week! A work week! Then I'd be out of that lab and off playing with stray cats.

This is why I would have quit after a week. They probably knew all this shit after the first week and now just keep going back over it again and again. Don't they know there are stray cats to play with?!

Does anybody want to buy a slightly used copy of Convegence: Superboy #1? I left it squashed up in the scanner over night and the humidity from my office full of farts has warped it somewhat. Plus it's been read by me and has my DNA all over it, so super find, really! Eventually when science catches up to our imaginations, you'll be able to clone me from my DNA left on a copy of a comic book about a clone! Then instead of waiting weeks for me to type up a commentary about a comic book that you've read only to find I made one joke that wasn't even really a joke but I made a comment about how it was a crappy joke which was the only way you knew it was a joke, you could have your own clone of me sitting around making hilarious comments about the comic books you buy! Although I might say some really racist and sexist stuff as well. And don't introduce me to your mother because I will be getting into those panties.

And when I say my DNA is in this comic book, don't assume I shot a load over Superboy in tight pants. I was jerking it to super straight heterosexual pornography and the comic book just happened to be in my firing range.

Ugh! Why do old people think young people want to listen to them ramble?!

How come nobody has started a Medical Magic Mushrooms movement? I'm constantly bothered by these nagging aches in reality.

The comic book takes a surprise twist when the dome falls and Superboy regains his powers And then Telos declares a competition will take place between the cities he's collected. Oh! I get it now! Why didn't every other comic book make it clear that all of these things were linked together?!

I feel like Luthor now but does everybody all the time have to proclaim that they might see a bird in the sky? Is it that fucking surprising to see a bird fly by? Or an airplane? Who are these easily amazed assholes? And another thing: do people in real life point at shit as often as people in comic books do?

As soon as the dome falls, Kingdom Come's champions instantly infiltrate Pre-Zero Hour Metropolis. Sure, they have The Flash on their side so I guess I'll believe it. But Planet Brainiac leaves the whole competition thing pretty vague. I'm surprised how quickly so many champions know exactly what they're supposed to be doing. That surprise could just come from being a lousy adult that doesn't know how to organize anything. When terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center, I was less shocked and upset by the death and destruction as I was impressed that they could organize something like that. Man, if I were in charge of the world...well, Magic Mushrooms would be medicine, for one thing.

Superboy is ambushed by Red Robin (the Dick one not the Harvest one) who smothers him with kryptonite gas and kicks him in the face. After that, Red Robin suggests that they talk instead of fight. I don't know. I think once you've kicked me in the face, I'm not exactly going to give a shit about your opinions on anything. It's a bit of a pet peeve of mine. Superboy might feel differently though since he's probably been punched in the face by Supergirl for no reason on multiple occasions.

Superboy does that tactile telekinesis thing that always sounds a bit pervy to me and knocks some buildings on The Flash and Red Robin. But that's when Kingdom Come Superman arrives to suggest that they work together to save both of their Metropolises. Kingdom Come Superman has an inherent distrust for youthful heroes without patience or any idea of responsibility. Which makes one wonder, then, why he decides to taunt Superboy instead of acting like the adult and saying something encouraging like, "I need your help, Superboy of another world! Will you kick at my side not as a sidekick but as a peer and lover?" Okay, maybe he might want to leave out the lover part since young men are prone to fits of homophobic discomfort.

Superman's line sounds like copy from a NAMBLA pamphlet.

Convergence: Superboy #1 Rating: Not a bad attempt at a Zero Hour era Superboy story. Although I'd prefer not to have Dubbilex telling me what he's thinking the whole time. Get out of my head, telepath! I'd much rather hear Superboy's thoughts about how he can never live up to the legend that is Superman and how he totally wishes he could fuck that woman that he passed by or that other woman that he passed by just now or that woman coming up that he's about to pass by or the other women across the street or the ones he remembered thinking about wanting to fuck the day before and the women that he'll meet tomorrow. Here's a glimpse inside the mind of Superboy who is really Superteenagedboy: "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Meat-lovers Pizza (not gay man meat, of course! Pshaw! Sheesh! Yuck!). Sex sex sex sex sex sex! Popeye's biscuits! Sex sex sex sex sex sex! When am I going to have sex?! Or Popeyes!?"

Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!