Supergirl #28

Surprise! Kara becomes a Red Lantern! Who saw that coming?

At the end of last issue, Supergirl was about ready to crack Twat Lobo's nuts for the final time. But she might also have to battle Blaze too since "Doctor" Veritas doesn't believe Supergirl can defeat Twat Lobo. So "The Doctor" freed a horrible demon that didn't even stick around to help. Some demons just don't understand the importance of a contract. Perhaps they're only bound to them if they're signed in blood. I seem to remember learning about that during my years at my Satanic Elementary School.

Whatever happens, it's going to get Supergirl so angry that she'll earn the second most powerful weapon she's ever wielded! Her super cute bum is the most powerful.

From the beginning, I can tell this issue is going to be really annoying because Twat Lobo is narrating. So I'm going to have to experience his use of the phrase "sorry not sorry" way too many times. And once is too many! Anything above that is way too many. Also, if you've ever used that phrase, you probably shouldn't be reading my commentaries because I hate you. If you've used the phrase, you're a selfish douche and probably some kind of "-ist"! I don't know what kind specifically although "narcissist" is probably a pretty good bet.

"Well hello, Lobo! So nice to meet you! My name is Supergirl!"

Supergirl begins throwing Lobo through walls because that's what Kryptonians do. You piss them off, they destroy property with your face. The only problem is that The Block where "Doctor" Veritas lives is kind of like a submarine except deep beneath the earth instead of deep beneath the sea. But just like a sub, it's straining against all kinds of pressures from every direction. You punch a hole in the wrong wall or take out a load bearing support and everybody is fucked! So "Doctor" Veritas decides Supergirl and Lobo need to be teleported elsewhere. Let somebody else pay for the damage they cause.

"Doctor" Veritas is a huge dick! She's supposed to be helping Supergirl but instead she's using her to get rid of her Lobo problem. And then when that goes wrong, she's just going to abandon her. If she had the power to teleport people out of The Block, why didn't she just do it earlier with just Lobo? I hope Blaze wrecks her fucking toilet. And I don't mean cracks the porcelain. You know what I mean! Like an old woman that just had some bad seafood losing her insides in the Women's Bathroom in Sears.

So every time somebody told me I hit like a girl, that was a compliment? Because I was as strong as a Kryptonian?! Then why was I always running off in tears?

Once "Doctor" Shay teleports her destructive guests out of The Block and back to Antarctica, Twat Lobo manages to get back inside his ship. That's when he begins trying to talk Supergirl down from the rage-cliff she's on. And he actually makes some good points that might not actually be good but they're pointing out that "Doctor" Veritas is a dick, so I agree with them! Lobo leads Supergirl back to New York because he believes she won't destroy New York in her zeal to kill him. But he's wrong! He really doesn't know Kryptonians at all! Superman levels whole sections of Metropolis on a daily basis! Which is strange when you realize that at any time, Supes can usually grab up the bad guy, use his super-speed, and carry them away to an unpopulated wasteland like how he did with Jonah Hex. I think vandalism gets his dick hard.

Twat Lobo tells Kara that she shouldn't be what "Doctor" Veritas wants her to be and that she should be what Twat Lobo wants her to be: his partner!

That may have been the wrong debate tactic.

The good news so far is that Lobo has yet to be sorry not sorry!

Meanwhile a block away, Siobhan somehow doesn't notice how sexy hot her new roommate is. For some reason, they aren't totally making my sexist male fantasies come true! You know the ones. The ones where they order a pizza and leave the apartment so I can eat in peace? Instead, Siobhan hears a familiar "BOOM" and thinks, "That's the sound of my best friend in the world greeting somebody's face!" So she ditches her roommate to check on her Bestie.

Siobhan probably isn't faster than a Red Lantern Ring so she might not make it in time to tell Supergirl that they're still friends. Supergirl still believes that Siobhan abandoned her for no good reason. But that's only because Supergirl wanted to tell Siobhan that she was dying from Kryptonite poisoning (Supergirl, not Siobhan! Duh!) but Siobhan was too busy to listen. She was only trying to stop her apartment from being flooded in shit water. And it's not like Kara tried very hard to talk about it. She just thought, "Poor me. I'm going to die and my best friend doesn't care because I haven't told her yet but she really should know and since she doesn't and her apartment really fucking smells like shit, I'm just going to go out into space and die." So Siobhan doesn't even know that Supergirl is miffed at her!

As Supergirl flips the fuck out like her cousin from another Earth, the Red Lantern Ring tells her that she belongs to something. She has a family somewhere. And they're all completely insane. But at least she belongs. Seriously. If you can't trust a flying animated red ring that speaks English, who can you trust? Certainly not your old best friend that cares more about shit stains than you.

I have a feeling Siobhan is going to be dealing with more shit stains.

Supergirl #28 Rating: +3 Ranking. It was mostly just lots of fighting but most of that fighting was Twat Lobo getting his ass kicked. That's always a good thing. And Siobhan has returned and that's a good thing too. And Siobhan's roommate...holy fuck! I bet she orders good pizza!

Batman and Two-Face #28

It seems like a mistake to completely surround three people with this much firepower. Just one person has to panic and start shooting for just about everybody to be killed or wounded.

I was getting bored with this comic book because Two-Face doesn't really interest me. But then Tomasi had Batman visit Noonan's and I got really excited because Hitman was a character I could understand! He liked to drink beers and earn money by killing people while also trying to get laid by a cop. Bullets and demons and misogyny and beers! That's the kind of thing I can understand! But all of this inner turmoil spurred on by a faulty ethical philosophy backed by severe narcissism and the belief that random chance is responsible for all of his actions and choices to avoid feeling the weight of mature, adult responsibility? That's all too far over my head. I'm not writing a comic book thesis like some people that I may or may not know! I just want to read funny books and make dick jokes! Stop trying to write literyture, Tomasi. All these characters driven by desires and motivations arising from their past choices is too much to keep track of! All I need is to know that Batman is sad that his parents died and now wants to prevent sadness. Two-Face is crazy because he listens to a coin. And Erin McKillabody blames everyone but herself for her own problems. See? Now I'm ready to find out how it all ends! Will Batman prevent sadness? Will Erin McKilljoy kill Two-Face and solve all of her problems? Will Two-Face finally flip his coin in just the right way to bring Gilda back? Let's find out now in the continuing saga of Batman and No Robin!

Two-Face has been captured by one of the Gotham Crime Families that I'll never force my brain to remember and is about to be executed live on the televisions. They want all of Gotham's Super Villains to know that a new day is dawning and that day is a day where Two-Face is dead. Also a day where they will probably soon be dead too. But Batman will save the super villains! Because Batman is crazy. His ethical philosophy is also fucked up. Maybe I was wrong when I said his goal was to prevent sadness because he's causing more sadness by saving Two-Face and whoever else these guys might kill. He's just out to prevent murder and crime. He doesn't care how much murder and crime he's allowing by saving certain people from murder and crime! He's a Bat-Jerko.

Batman figures out where Two-Face is being held because he's a genius detektif. He also doesn't need to protect Erin anymore so he ditches her with the Gotham Police and heads off to save Two-Face.

I wonder if Two-Face has ever seen a double rainbow? I bet he'd wonder what it meant! And half of his face would cry while the other half laughed!

Oh Batman. Why do you think everybody can be saved?

As Batman is trying to save Harvey's life while also scolding him for not turning his tragedy into an opportunity to prevent sadness, Two-Face screams, "Like you did, Bruce?" Right in front of everybody! Good thing the fire and the bullets drowned out the sound of Harvey's shouts.

This is Bruce's "I am disappoint" face when he discovers his secret identity isn't as ironclad as he believed.

Bruce tells Harvey to follow the edge of the coin where his good and bad selves meet. He needs to bring balance to his life. But Harvey tells Bruce to fuck off and tries to burn the shit out of everything.

Gordon and the Gotham Police arrive to escalate the situation. Two-Face shoots Gordon but that doesn't stop him from chastising Harvey as well! What is with these guys? So they thought they were a good law enforcement team before Dent went insane. But now he's fucking insane! Let him go! Stop trying to convince the guy with the mental breakdown that he's still a good guy. Or at least get him into some real rehabilitation and stop sending him to Arkham! Jesus. You want to him to deal with his problems, don't send him to the place that causes more.

Now Harvey decides to flip a coin for Gordon's life.

I guess that means Harvey must kill himself. Or Gordon must surrender.

Well shit. Um. I mean. I was just fucking joking, man.

Oh yeah. He pulls the trigger, all right. As his coin spins on its edge and he dies before seeing how it lands.

Fucking Tomasi. This is a genius reboot of the character of Two-Face! Kill off Harvey Dent and allow for Erin McKillemall to rise up as a replacement Two-Face. She is currently in prison amassing a gang of fresh blood to take over Gotham. She has Harvey Dent's handkerchief which she uses to wipe the blood from her face which is constantly dripping out of the scar under her eye. So she's not as drastic a Two-Face as Harvey but she's also a twin so there were literally two of this face at one time. Now she can go insane believing she's both halves.

Batman and Two-Face #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. What a spectacular finish to this story. I really like that it covers the basics of Harvey's rise and fall before finishing with him once and for all. And inextricably linked to that story is the fall and rise of his replacement, Erin McKillen. More of this kind of shit needs to go down for The New 52 to really separate itself from DC's old universe. Obviously DC can't change everything too dramatically. But small steps like this are really good for The New 52. While this seemed to be a story about Two-Face, it was really a story about Two-Face's successor and her rise to power. And since I'm not a fan of Two-Face, this story just became so much better! Maybe I'll reread it now! Once again, Tomasi is showing everybody else how to do comic books right.

Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Harley Quinn #3

This comic book should be rated Teen Plus simply for making the focal point of the cover Harley's vagina.

Last issue, Poison Ivy came for a visit and she and Harley stole a bunch of animals together and slept naked in the same bed. They also killed a man and fed him to Harley's new pets. But it was all in good fun and appropriate for teenagers of all ages and not just teenagers of the plus variety which I don't even know what that means. I hate ratings, especially these self-imposed ratings by companies they arbitrarily stick on their comics so the government and outraged mothers will get off of their backs. They're meaningless! If people really want ratings that have an effect on children, start rating children! Notice which kids are the bastards teaching the other kids naughty words or telling them that Santa doesn't exist and slap Teen Plus Ratings on those bastards! The best way to identify which kids are going to corrupt the other kids is by checking if they have older siblings. If they do, they're going to be trouble! Elementary schools should have separate classes and recess time for kids with older siblings and kids without. You'll always be able to tell the 3rd grade class with older siblings because they'll be playing craps behind the school, cursing at every die roll as they pass around candy cigarettes and apple juice hooch.

Today is Valentine's Day (in the comic. I'm not that senile) and Harley is missing The Joker's face. But that's not going to stop her from getting cleaned up and hitting the town to find some cute guy that's not trying to kill her.

Who doesn't keep a stack of toasters by the tub?

I hope DC Editorial will give Conner and Palmiotti first dibs at the next return of The Joker for this book. Although I don't know what Joker is going to do for a face in his next appearance. Maybe The Joker is the one who put out the hit on Harley. Just for fun, you know? Or maybe he wants her face? It's a nice face! I'd take it if I didn't already have a face. Or maybe The Joker will use the skin from her chest as his new face and look out of her nipples? What would that comic book be rated? DYST+: Disturbing Yet Strangely Titillating Plus?

I think I'm finally glad that nobody ever reads my commentaries and thinks, "I'm going to draw that!"

Masturbation jokes are my bread and butter. Also, bread and butter is good for masturbation.

Harley believes the best thing to do on Valentine's Day is to eat some hallucinogenic berries left behind by Poison Ivy and head out to a single's bar. To be fair, the berry plant was marked with a hastily scrawled post-it note that said, "For love." Fun Fact: Davy Jones of The Monkees Fame did not invent the Post-it note.

I just created a recipe that you might want to try as an appetizer for your next big party: Goldfish Crackers on Cheez-its. Delicious! If you want to get really fancy, try sticking the Goldfish to the Cracker with a dollop of Ranch Dressing. Incidentally, I hate Ranch Dressing (and most salad dressings actually) but I know all of you American fatties just love it on everything! Ranch with Ranch (and maybe a side of Mayo) is the rallying cry of the American Stomach.

Apparently Harley's berries cause her hair to emit an aroma of pink hearts which causes Correction Officers to fall in love with her and crash the busload of dangerous criminals they're driving around, allowing the criminals to get free. That's a really complex evolutionary trait for a berry to display! Poison Ivy is really good at what she does!

A-ha! The Berry makes the consumer smell like whatever the smeller of the smell truly loves! Also more masturbation humor with that lotion guy! I just made a masturbation/lotion joke in my Batman and Robin Annual #2 commentary! It did not involve me masturbating to Robin, you perv. Maybe if I had made that joke in Worlds' Finest Annual #1!

Harley Quinn soon finds herself in a wacky chase that could easily end in a comedy gangbang. It would have to be a comedy gangbang because this comic book is all about cartoon violence. I bet Harley is really dreading that "my vagina is a clown car" joke she made way back in an early issue of Suicide Squad! To prevent the worst Valentine's Day date ever, Harley breaks into DC's Version of Home Depot to find a weapon. I rarely set foot into stores like Home Depot so I don't know if they sell over-sized mallets.

Harley puts the "propane shrapnel bomb" in vagina. If you spell vagina "vapropaneginshrapnelabomb."

A lot of construction themed puns and death ensue. You got your "Dweeb-Whacker" and your "propane in your ass" and your "nail you to the wall" and you have "a piece of my sweet axe." Those were the puns and not the death! Although death is the result of each of those puns, so maybe puns and death are interchangeable.

There's also this one pun where the final violent sex criminal is lying on his back and Harley is straddling him with her vagina right over his heart and he says she's "warming the cockles" of his heart. That's sex-talk, right? So she brains him with a wrench but she doesn't say anything witty like, "This should tighten your nuts!" Unless that's not witty. Maybe she could have said, "I'm done monkeying around!" Or, "The doctor said to take one wrench and call the funeral director in the morning to schedule your services because you're dead from the wrench the doctor prescribed and I hit you with!"

So Harley kills them all and goes outside to be confronted by a policewoman.

I bet there's either a "smells like doughnuts" joke or a "smells like beaver" joke coming up!

I was really hoping for the beaver joke.

Harley runs home, slingshots the love berries into the seal pool at the zoo (I'm glad we won't be seeing the comic book about the next visitors to check out the seals), and finally decides that romance is stupid. Except of course with The Joker! I'm sure she'd still love to sit on his face. If anyone can find it.

Harley Quinn #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's just whimsical, wacky fun with large doses of brutal violence! But then so was Looney Tunes! Heck, Looney Tunes even had the same near rape theme every time they ran a Pepé Le Pew cartoon.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1

Is this the line where I make the "Fist Contact" joke?

Another annual to get through! It's not too bad because I like these characters. Unlike trying to slog though an extra issue of Teen Titans. Plus a bonus cover by Emanuela Lupacchino! Let's just look at that awhile. Can I just look at it for an hour and then end my commentary? Maybe make punching noises? Socko! Blammo! Pow! Right in the cock sucker!

Maybe I shouldn't assume that The Huntress is into dick. It's not like she's flying around like Power Girl fucking every good looking boy she can get her super fast hands on. She could have a crush on her best friend. Or maybe she just doesn't ever think about fucking because justice is so important! "How can one, lone Robin think about a full pair of lips rubbing themselves gently across her blossoming lady flower when evil's tongue licks salaciously at the sight of Justice's full rump?" is what she would probably say.

This Annual is called "The Adventures of Robin and Supergirl" because it takes place years ago on Earth 2. It begins with Batman and Robin raiding the best little whorehouse in Gotham.

This guy is desperately trying to remember the policy on refunds. Or if his consort has time to finish her handjob before Batman and Robin turn their attention toward him.

Once all the hired muscle are unconscious, Batman sends Robin home because he doesn't want her dying like her mom did. That's actually the case they're working on right now: The Case of the Curious Cat. Batman is terrified of losing Helena as well, so he doesn't want her risking her life. But she probably will risk it! Just like Dick did in Batman and Robin Annual #2! Maybe I can just copy and paste what I said there and use it here.

I really can use my commentary from Tomasi's Annual! Batman realizes Robin isn't going home because she's a teenager so he follows her discretely to see how she does on her own. I hope she doesn't resort to using a gun. She doesn't use a gun but she manages to spear a guy through the liver with a fire poker! I think Helena can get away with murder because she's the daughter of Bruce's true love, Selina. Plus life is dirt cheap on Earth 2! Probably. It's a pretty shitty Earth.

Everybody on New Earth suffers from Daddy Issues and everyone on Earth 2 suffers from Stockholm Syndrome. That's why Superman became Flip the Fuck Out Superman after being kidnapped by Darkseid! And Batman became Bedlam and Wonder Woman became Beguile!

The second chapter is about Power Girl going out on the town to learn about how awesome sex probably is. I mean how awesome it definitely is! Especially when the one thing happens to the lady! And then that other thing happens to the person the lady is doing it to! So awesome. Power Girl wants to find out about that and her Cousin Kal refuses to show her! He won't even let her watch when he does it to Lois! So she's going to find out tonight no matter what the cost! As long as the cost is under twenty dollars because Kal is also a cheapskate when it comes to her allowance.

He must be a super villain because she didn't break his face with her super kissing.

Before Supergirl can find out what Ken's dick tastes like, the Worldgov building explodes. Ken becomes worried because his father, Kaizen Gamorra, was inside. He leaves Kara in the men's bathroom at the park where she's able to change into her Supergirl suit and fly off to save the day. But she's a big secret that has never been allowed to leave the house, so she can't be seen or Superman will be pissed. And since this chapter began with her crying and saying Superman will be pissed, I'm guessing she was seen!

Or maybe just responsible for Ken's death when the men's bathroom he brings his dates to collapses on him.

In Chapter Three, Helena and Kara finally get to hang out as they investigate the explosion that killed Ken. Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "Leave the investigating to me!" And Supergirl says, "Duh!" And Robin says, "I think I found a clue!" And Supergirl says "OWIE!" as the clue punches her in all the lady parts.

All her parts are lady parts!

The clue flees when Supergirl has to stop being punched long enough to save Robin from being crushed in the rubble. But they eventually track her down and continue the fight because they had to change locations for some reason! Perhaps it's because they had to wind up where Wonder Woman was so the cover wouldn't be a total lie. Wonder Woman doesn't want Supergirl beating up the clue because the clue is her daughter, Fury. For some reason, Wonder Woman's daughter is now working with Apokolips. Also she Boom Tubes to safety while Supergirl and Wonder Woman argue. And that's the end of that for some reason.

Worlds' Finest Annual #1 Rating: I guess I just spent $4.99 to find out that Fury was Wonder Woman's daughter! I guess if you twisted my arm (and other things if I ask nicely), I'd say there was more to this comic book than that revelation. But not much more! Maybe the fact that we found out Batman of Earth 2 is ticklish! That might be important later. Maybe that's how they'll defeat Bedlam! By throwing a tickle party in his pants.

Batman and Robin Annual #2

I can't tell if that's Dick Grayson or Jason Todd.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. Dammit, Peter J. Tomasi, you are not going to make me cry again! So don't even try to make this story touching! You can make it funny but not touching, okay? I don't want to feel closer to any of these stupid characters!

This issue begins with Nightwing sitting on the ledge of a building hanging out with Damian. Fuck. That's not a good sign at all! Where are my tissues? Oh yeah! Over there next to the lotion. Okay, Tomasi! I'm prepared for whatever you can dish out!

"Perfected?" No, Damian, I think the words you're looking for might be "twisted" and "abused."

Meanwhile in the present (not the actual present but the part of time after Damian was killed due to parental negligence and before Forever Evil began), Bruce Wayne finds a secret hideout in the ceiling of one of the rooms in Wayne Mansion with a sign inside saying, "The Robin Cave. No Bats or Butlers Allowed." Inside the Robin Cave, Bruce found a package. And he calls over Dick Grayson so they can all open it together. I bet it's another one of Batman's tests to see if Nightwing will cry before he does!

I bet he farted in a jar!

Actually, it's probably evidence on Tusk's whereabouts since Dick mentioned, in his long boring story, that he'll probably never know what happened to Tusk. So of course Damian wants to prove to Nightwing that he's the better Robin and was able to track Tusk down. Oh! Knowing Damian, it's probably just one of Tusk's Tusks! Or his penis.

Dick decides to let Bruce in on the joke so he tells him the long, boring story that he told Damian a few months ago. And Peter J. Tomasi decides to charge me $4.99 to hear this long, boring story! Jerko!

The story is boring too! At least for Dick since his first night as Robin, Batman only lets him sit back and watch. Wow, Batman is kinkier than I thought! And when Dick gets involved and stops a thug that ran off to notify Tusk's secretary that they lured out The Batman, Batman loses his wood and gets pissed off. The watcher never gets involved, Dick! You crossed a fucking line, man! I get that you're only sixteen and you don't understand Voyeur Fuck Etiquette but Batman told you the rules! And you broke them. I suppose he's going to have to bind you to your viewing spot next time. Do you want that? I mean, I kind of want that. I bet Batman would want that too.

Yeah, Batman sends him to bed anyway. With a spanking.

When are they going to open Damian's secret package?!

Oh wait! I'm not going to scan the panel of Batman sending Dick to bed but I think I need to at least scan the spanking!

I know, I know. Not as sexy as you pictured it but still pretty painful.

I hate when Peter Tomasi is writing a Batman and Robin book. Because I scan a page and then get ready to make some kind of joke about the next page but then just want to scan that page too! I've said it before while reading a Tomasi Batman and Robin Annual: just go fucking read it yourself! I admit that a lot of my commentaries are better than the actual New 52 comic I'm commenting on. But not when Tomasi is writing Batman and Robin relationship stuff. He nails this shit. And he'd never resort to saying something as bland and as trite as "he nails this shit!" But what's even better than his Batman and Robin? His Alfred Pennyworth sass! He gives great sassy Alfred.

I like how Dick has yet to discover that Alfred is not just another butler.

The next night, Dick tries to convince Batman to let him try again. But Batman refuses, thinking that telling Dick "no" will be enough to keep him at home. He probably should have taken all of his clothes away as well. Leaving him to sulk in his Robin costume is simply asking him to follow. Even I think Batman is expecting Dick to ignore his orders and hit the streets on his own! Maybe that's Batman's plan. And he's expecting Dick to just watch after sneaking out of the house. Batman knows he'll arrive on the scene and probably fake being in trouble to see if Robin jumps in or just watches like a good, vigilant, hard-bodied boy should.

Except it all goes down differently, of course. Not the part about Batman knowing what Robin is up to! Of course Batman wasn't fooled into believing Dick would stay home! But the other things are different. You know, the details. Like how Dick told Batman about the diversion but not about what Tusk was really up to while Batman was busy elsewhere.

Does Robin really think a teenaged boy in a yellow cape and red corset is really going to frighten the criminals in the same way a full grown man in a bat costume does? Ridiculous!

No wait! THIS is ridiculous!

Now I'm completely convinced that Damian's box will have one or two tusks inside of it! And maybe a few penises.

Batman arrives to save the day because, as I pointed out with my affinity for pointing out parts of comic book plots that are completely obvious, Batman knew Robin was a big fat liar. Also, Batman doesn't completely save the day. Maybe because, like I said earlier as well, he's just playing at being a lousy super hero to see if Robin simply watches or acts. Batman might want Robin to act now which could send a confusing message to the kid. Does he save Batman before they're thrown out of a helicopter and into a river or does he standby and watch as they die because Batman told him to? Tough decisions!

Robin decides he should save the day and risk being grounded because it's better than not saving the day and risk being dead. He kicks off Tusk's tusk and knocks him into the river. And since Tusk was alive and screaming as he fell out of the helicopter, Dick didn't kill him! Remember the Bat-family No Kill Technicality Statement? As long as Tusk was alive when he dropped out of Robin's sight, Tusk's death is not on Robin's hands! He should have learned to swim! Or how to hit the water from a great height without breaking all of his bones! Idiot.

Knocking a guy into a river from a great height is one thing; shooting somebody with a gun with all the ballistic evidence linking the shooter to the crime is another.

Batman takes control of the helicopter and flies back to the city while discussing the Parent/Child Obviousness Index and where each of them fall.

I bet he also makes tea better. And cleans toilets better. And folds shirts better.

So Dick finishes his story and he opens up the box to find Tusk's other Tusk and a note that reads, "Hey, old Robin. Got him. Let me know if you need any more of my help taking down your bad guys. --Damian." So even dead, Damian is still proving he's the best Robin. I can't wait until he comes back from the dead so he can lord that over the others as well. Except for Jason Todd, of course.

Batman and Robin Annual #2 Rating: Ha ha, Peter J. Tomasi! You didn't make me cry! Not at all! Nice story and a nice change of pace though. I'm glad to get these glimpses of Batman's time with his early Robins.