Nightwing #27

I thought about reprinting my first editorial essay for a 'zine my friends and I put out many years ago so that everybody could see how my writing style has evolved. But then I saw the date on the 'zine was November 1994 and I figured I could wait a few months for a the twenty year anniversary of The Galactic Hero Corps. I reread the essay and either I'd found my writing style around twenty years of age or else I've just never actually improved since then. Here's a teaser as I express my excitement at writing editorials in our new little magazine (and I swear I wrote it in November of 1994 when I was 23): "I have things other than the Galactic Hero Corps on my mind. Just think, a place where I can discuss all those existential ideas that people ponder every second of their lives. I can spread my wisdom to thousands of people I normally couldn't enlighten. Or hundreds. Or dozens. Or just a few, as the case may be."

Holy fuck. I've actually accomplished my dream of the nineties! Twenty years later and I'm doing exactly what I planned on doing! Or, looking at it another way, twenty years later and I'm still doing the same exact fucking shit I was doing in my early twenties! That was supposed to be negative but after typing it, it feels fucking positive to me!

Okay, enough about me. Time to tear Nightwing a new asshole. Not that there's anything wrong with his current one. I suspect. It would be a shame if he had huge hemorrhoids and gaping anal fissures all over that sweet, sweet heinie.

Who didn't prefer the March Hare over the Mad Hatter?! The March Hare was cute and cuddly and lovable and the March Hare was a scary ass madman (or woman. I really could never tell) with a huge fucking head.

This issue is called "Curiouser and Curiouser" because Gotham City can't control its Alice in Wonderland references. Now Nightwing finds himself mired in Lewis Carroll references all the way out here in Chicago.

Stupid Saturday Night Live. Whenever the word "Chicago" enters my brain, my brain has to repeat to itself, "What begins with 'C', ends in 'O', and has 'Hicag' in the middle?"

After Nightwing and Marionette defeat all of The Mad Hatter's mind-controlled thugs while The Mad Hatter gets away, Dick discovers that the thugs are being controlled by their cellphones. I told him that last issue but I don't think my voice can permeate the comic book page.

Wait a second. Ignore that last paragraph because I got ahead of myself. Nightwing and Marionette merely save Michael, Dick's Roommate, and Michael's cop friend before having to escape themselves. The Mad Hatter and his conscious thugs don't go anywhere. Maybe I should just delete that last paragraph. But then I'd have to delete this paragraph too because it mentions the last paragraph.

Nightwing and Marionette get a room later and sit around in their costumes talking about Marionette's time as Mad Hatter's favorite Alice.

Wait a second. Shouldn't her super villain name by Humpty Dumpty?

Nightwing, being a master of reading people's emotions on their stupid faces, notices the way The Marionette's bangs are dangling and realizes she's scared. Uh oh. My hair is dangling down my forehead too! What the fuck am I so afraid of?!

Dick heads back to his apartment where he once again finds his window shut and locked. Ha ha! Nightwing keeps getting locked out of his apartment. You know, I don't think he should be going into his window in full costume anyway. He really should have a place to hide out to change and then walk home. Unless he's rented the only building in Chicago without a line of sight from anywhere to his window. You figure someone at some point is going to look the right way at just the right moment and suddenly know where Nightwing lives. Or where he goes for his booty calls, anyway.

People that might also figure out who he is? His roommate's snoopy friend.

Unless she's her cousin. Or the kid she babysits. Why the fuck should I remember a minor character's relationship to an even more minor character?!

Is Nightwing ready for a sidekick?! I think Jen is going to be his sidekick! But he'll have to train her quickly before his comic book is cancelled so that she can go out on her own or join The Better Written Teen Titans in their next incarnation. I think her super hero name will be Hummingbird.

So Nightwing wants to try to get Mad Hatter to cure The Marionette of her "sliding personalities" and The Mad Hatter wants to get The Marionette back to be his favorite Alice. That probably means that there will be a confrontation and a battle. But The Marionette has plans of her own. I know it's hard to believe since she's the female character and should probably just be falling in love with Nightwing and touching his butt as often as possible. Her plan is to pretend to help Nightwing kidnap the Mad Hatter so she can be cured but in reality she's just going to steal as much Kanium as possible so that she can administer the drugs to herself without being trapped in a hospital. Although if she really needed to take Kanium, an element that was just discovered ten years ago, she'd need to live in a super-collider while holding Americium in her mouth while she's bombarded with Calcium atoms. That sounds worse than being stuck in a hospital bed eating jello. But since I've never been in either, I can't really know for sure. Super-colliders could be really comfortable.

Soylent Tea is Kanium! It's Kanium!

The Marionette gets away with enough tea to keep her sane until she's ready to make another appearance in the New 52. The Mad Hatter is arrested because he's found carrying Lysergic Acid Tea Leaves and Ketamine Tea Bags. I wish I knew The Mad Hatter in real life.

In the epilogue, or the come-downer-time, or the denouement, Dick is drawn really fucking poorly.

He's actually thinking about himself and his relationship with Joey, his roommate. But he could be talking about Batman and all that Death in the Family shit that went down.

Dick goes back home to apologize. That's when he meets Jen's parents. Jen's mother is a red-head! Look out, Mr. Jen's Father! Dick is getting some of that! Also, Jen now has a huge crush on Dick because she knows he's Nightwing. Also she's been busy drawing Nightwing's symbol so I bet she's going to come up with a costume of her own! Here comes Hummingbird!

Nightwing #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. It held my interest! Plus I want some Ketamine Tea now! Not the amount that Dexter liked to give people! Maybe the amount Jordan Prentice takes in In Bruges. Well, maybe three times that amount. Although his character really is a pretty big abuser of drugs, so the same dose that fucks him up will probably fuck me up pretty good even though I'm three times his weight or more. I need to get better at this review paragraph already! It's only been about 1300 commentaries and I still don't know how to say things like, "The plot was integral to the plot and the themes were theming all over the place. Also, the art was very artistic and the dialogue just dialogued right off the page."

Suicide Squad #27

At first glance, I thought Deadshot's brains were leaking out.

Here is a review of my blog: "i have no idea what's happening here"

One of the reasons I'm such a horrible writer is that I assume that people already know everything and that I don't have to explain myself. It's why I can't write critical essays about anything because I watch a movie like Boxing Helena, and I figure, "What is there to write about? It's obviously a feminist movie about the male gaze and how love and objectification are inherently intertwined to such a degree that even most people don't know when they actually love a person or they love the idea of the person that they've put upon a pedestal. At least they're unsure up until somebody hacks off their true love's arms and legs and makes them realize that they can live without that person." Or something like that. I don't know. I only saw the movie the one time many years ago. I don't even know why I brought it up just now! Fuck. This is why I'm a horrible writer!

Most people probably wouldn't even consider me a writer since they probably have only read this blog which could easily be misconstrued as "criticism." I suppose that's a valid argument although you're getting into a weird semantic place if you've decided that "critics" aren't actually "writers." I'd say you'd have to look at each case individually. Roger Ebert was a great writer and critic. Critics that think up a few puns on the title of a movie they were paid to see are not writers. They are whores (minus the sexual connotation of that meaning plus the connotation of doing anything for money multiplied by bad facial hair).

At least I'm not the "writer" that reblogged a gif set of Beyonce singing "Surfboard. Surfboard. Grainin' on that wood. Grainin', grainin' on that wood" and then captioned it with "She is literally singing about riding dick." No. NO! She is metaphorically singing about riding dick! Unless Jay-Z's penis is named "Surfboard" this is a metaphor. If she were literally singing about "riding dick," the lyrics would be, "Penis! Penis! Ridin' on that dick. Ridin', ridin' on that dick." See the difference?

So now that we've gotten past how much I suck, let's turn our attention to something that doesn't suck: your mom! Shit, there goes my bad writing again! Well, I couldn't honestly type "Suicide Squad" after saying "something that doesn't suck," could I? It's not like this comic book has been very consistent in its characters and story telling. I hear it's been cancelled which is good because it needs to go back to the drawing board. DC, leave this one in the closet until you've come up with a decent game plan for it.

When we last saw the Suicide Squad, the Rocky Mountains had fallen on top of them.

Too late! Deadshot already lit a lighter at the end of last issue! So thank him for proving there were no gas leaks.

Oh! That panel reminded me how when people begin any comment by saying, "Guys!", you know you're about to hear the most obvious bullshit ever. It usually happens when people are leaving joking comments and having fun and being facetious and then some person that thinks they're going to edumacate all the lazy, joking slackers about a thing or two pipes up to tell everyone something that they probably already fucking knew. Generally it's apparent that everybody knew what the "Guys!" Guy was going to say because the jokes wouldn't work if people didn't know what the jokes were playing off of. "But Guys! Listen! In all seriousness, this is the most important thing that was ever written because of reasons!" Fuck off, you namby-pamby titmouse!

Although maybe my annoyance of the "Guys!" people is an off-shoot of my thinking that everybody already knows everything which makes me a horrible writer?!

Power Girl showing off her Grandmaster Boob/Butt Showcase Skills. Also, take a look at the Boob Window, R.B. Silva. That's where it should be placed.

Once this group manage to get out from under the rock Power Girl is holding up, they split up to find an exit from the rubble. Deadshot and Jerko head down deeper, Captain Boomerang and Steel head up, and the Unknown Soldier and the most useful person in this situation stay put to relay messages between groups. How about a better plan? Power Girl makes a hole for them all to climb through. Laser eyes. Super strength. Ability to eat anything and not have to poo. Whatever power she chooses. She can save them all and The Unknown Soldier volunteers for her to do nothing. He must have some ulterior motive. Or else giving him super duper powers has weakened his ability to think tactically.

The next bunch of pages are spent giving readers the origins of this rag-tag group of rag-tags. I'm not sure why I need to know where Power Girl came from in the pages of Suicide Squad. It's been covered elsewhere and I don't think it needed two pages to explain that she's a hero and not one of the criminals that usually wind up in the Suicide Squad. The Unknown Soldier also gets a bit of a reminder of who he is. It's not really enough to explain anything except to those that don't already know it. And hopefully not many people know his secret origin since it was first told in Men of War and that comic book series was awful in its execution. Mediocre stories told poorly. That should be the blurb on the back cover of the Men of War Trade Paperback! "Mediocre stories told poorly--Tessatechaitea!"

The Unknown Soldier mentions his families death in "a random act of terror." I fucking hate that term. It's not a random act of terror! It's a random act of violence! The Unknown Soldier actually corrects himself later and changes it to just that phrase. A general sense of terror and unease is what is supposed to be created by these random acts of violence. But people do not die in terror bombings. They die in bombings. Stop fucking labeling everything with terror. The goal of the terrorist is to create terror. And apparently the goal of the media and government officials is exactly the same fucking thing.

Steel also gets a bit of a refresher on his origin but his is informative. He really hasn't been seen much (or at all?) since his appearance in Action Comics, so his bit explains what happened to him since then.

So let me get this straight. Waller uses vile people to do things she believes are for the greater good and Steel thinks this is wrong. So he wants to use Waller, a person vile to him, to do things he believes are for the greater good. Narcissist!

Captain Boomerang gets a bit and that's all new because he's made a few minor appearances but not yet had a secret origin. In the Preboot Universe, his secret origin was that he was a guy that learned how to throw boomerangs. But now in the Reboot Universe, he has magic boomerangs! So how'd he get those? According to his two page origin, not even he knows. Or he's at least pretending not to know. His normal boomerang throwing origin seems to be that of a young psychopath going through all the normal motions. Killing small animals. Probably setting fires. Most likely wetting the bed. And then escalating to killing tourists. His mother was one of Australia's indigenous people and seems to have found Captain Boomerang abandoned in the Outback. He also might just be called "Boomerang" instead of "Captain Boomerang" but that's confusing because doesn't Marvel have a guy just named Boomerang?

Warrant also gets a file. His amounts to "I was a Teenage Douchebag." Probably. I don't know. Why bother reading it? He's a jerk. Who calls themselves Warrant? After that mess in the eighties and/or very early nineties, that name should be as dead as Hitler and Judas. The most important part about Warrant is that he's Israeli. No wait. I fucked that up. The most important part about Warrant is that he's after Deadshot. And he doesn't know the meaning of Wanted: Dead or Alive. Mostly because of that "alive" part.

Deadshot's file is all about Deadshot remembering every bullet he's ever shot out of every gun ever. He also must be fairly delusional since he talks about putting every bullet he shoots where he meant to shoot it and planning every kill in precise detail. But he seems to be forgetting all the off-the-cuff shooting and killing he does while on Squad missions gone bad.

Anyway, everybody seems to have somebody else in their sights. Power Girl and Steel want to kill Waller. The Unknown Soldier and Boomerang want to kill Harley. Warrant wants to kill Deadshot. And Deadshot thinks about killing Harley but we all know who he's really going to kill, don't we?

I guess Warrant was too "badass" to kill even though his name was so stupid. He'll be back for an EPIC SHOWDOWN against Deadshot in an issue with a cover that screams, "WARRANT UNLEASHED!"

Everybody escapes the rubble (except Warrant. Ha ha!) and the team radios back to Waller to be picked up. Or maybe they'll use Boomerang's plane or whatever it is they used to get here. And back at Belle Reve as a Thinker-Controlled OMAC battles King Shark and Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark, Amanda Waller begins a conversation with Kevin Kho on Thinker's personal computer. Kevin, OMAC's original host, is trapped within OMAC and is now probably Amanda's secret weapon.

Suicide Squad #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Fine. I enjoyed this issue even though Warrant is a stupid name. Also, I actually like Warrant's back story. But I hate his name so I will never like him ever. It was also nice to not have to read any of James Gordon, Jr's dialogue. I think Captain Boomerang needs his own comic book now. I have nothing more to say. Do real writers end their works better? Maybe I'm not a real writer! Maybe I'm just a poet and this is how poet's end things. This is how poet's end things.

Batgirl #27

Gothtopia means "the Goth place!"

I understand that shoving "topia" on the back of something simply makes it an ideal place due to cultural baggage. Just like when any scandal (or pseudo-scandal) takes place in the political realm, you know it's a scandal because somebody decides to append "gate" to it. It's like a bunch of children are running things.

The current thing in the media that's pissing on my goat is that Apple iPad commercial where they point out that certain careers are needed for society but it's poetry that we live for. Then they go on to quote some Walt Whitman, appending their own line at the end of the Whitman quote: "What will your verse be?" Fuck you, Apple! You're taking Whitman's poetry about life itself being a poem and a verse and trying to make it a call to arms for people to get out and create (with your product, of course). But Whitman's whole point is that we are here and that is life and we all have a unique identity and that's fucking enough! What we do, no matter what it is, is poetry in and of itself! So take your stupid ass fucking call to arms and shove it up your stupid ass fucking ass!

Since I'm ragging on Apple, let me take a moment to point out when Microsoft did pretty much the same thing about ten years ago. Remember when they stuck "Rainbow Connection" on some commercial about Windows XP or Windows 7 or whatever the fucking product was? Besides the fact that Jim Henson probably shit his grave over that song being used to sell some shitty product, Microsoft didn't even understand the fucking song. It was okay in the original length commercial (I suspect. I can't remember exactly). But like the Apple one out now, after airing a few times, the commercial was cut down in length. At that point, they ended the commercial before the turn in the song! So Microsoft's product was being sold to this: "Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions and only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide." That was it! Unless they left in the next line as well. Again, I can't remember! Anyway, they left the nay-sayers part in but ended the commercial before they can get to the part where the singer says, "I know they're wrong wait and see." Fucking idiots. Get bent.

Now that I'm rage free, I think I'll read about Batgirl. Or whatever her name was in Gothtopia!

Oh, not you too Babs. I'm so sick of everybody's love of bacon. BACON BACON BACON! If you're going to fall in love with meat, might I suggest Linguiça? Perhaps I'd be willing to accept someone falling head over heels for Chorizo as well. But bacon? Too ubiquitous for true love.

Babs is currently living with her father because that's the way life goes when everything is perfect! I mean, Alysia was a decent roommate and all. But if Babs is going to hallucinate extreme happiness, she's obviously going to pretend that her family is all together. Besides, she's probably actually sitting in a hole in the backyard that she dug the night before, chewing on a rotting squirrel and talking to a big orange dog.

Apparently Scarecrow's Happy Gas has caused Babs to become best friends with her greatest enemy, Knightfall. Unless, of course, Babs is really just hanging out with a fire hydrant and making out with her boyfriend Ricky the pile of dead leaves.

Her name is Daybreak because it's the opposite of Knightfall! Um, kind of. Maybe it should be Squirerise?

Meanwhile The Joker Ice Cream Company has decided to try out a new flavor of ice cream on this hot day: Death Toffee. A bunch of people are killed after eating it which they probably should have suspected since it was called Death Toffee. Oh! Maybe the gas made them read Neapolitan. Although I don't think that name is any more encouraging, actually.

Bluebelle and Daybreak decide they need to stop kids all over town from eating ice cream. What monsters!

After stopping one person on the streets from eating ice cream, Bluebelle learns that a bunch of kids are currently on a field trip to The Joker Ice Cream Factory. So she and Knightfall choose to help the kids at the factory rather than chase down ice cream trucks all day in the heat. Let somebody else take care of that bullcrap. The factory probably has air conditioning!

This is Mother Mercy spreading happiness and joy all across Gothtopia.

The news reporter on the scene is named Amanda Holden. I bet that's just her Gothtopia name. Her real name is probaly Nomanda Holdenkiss.

When Bluebelle crashes the ice cream party to stop Mother Mercy, she notices the Joker logo on the wall and suddenly remembers the real Gotham City. And that's when the sniper takes out Mother Mercy and Batgirl decides she'll just pretend that Gothtopia never actually happened. I wish I'd known that before writing this commentary! If she doesn't have to remember what happened then I don't either!

Batgirl #27 Rating: No change. Maybe my memory is getting better after two years of reading comic books and I can stop writing commentaries on them! I bet I've learned how to remember things better now since I do seem to remember a lot of what's happening from month to month. Although that's probably a side-effect of writing the commentaries, right? It's like studying! Ick! I hate studying! I should be playing computer role playing games and console video games and watching all the crap in my queue on Netflix! I should be writing my verse! Stupid commentaries are draining my life away! Hey DC Comics? Would it be possible to do another reboot and change it to The New 26? This stupid project is too much work!

Worlds' Finest #19

This is an equal match-up because The Huntress was trained by Batman #2 who is far smarter and more experienced than Batman #1. Also, she was trained by Catwoman so Batman #1 might have weird feelings about her. I mean, that training will give her a sexy edge. I mean a fighting edge! Oh, forget everything I just said. I hope these two fuck.

The Huntress has been explicitly calling Batman of New Earth "Not-Dad." And who is more apt to be a romantic interest for a young lady than somebody that is so totally not her father that she refers to him as "Not-Dad"? That isn't creepy at all or anything. Is having them punch each other until one of them ends up in the hospital a better plan? Of course not. Sex is always better than violence even in cases of incest. I'd much rather a mother love her children so much that it winds up in intercourse than have a mother kill her children and fly off in a chariot pulled by dragons.

This issue begins Hentai style.

It's cool, Karen. It probably just wants to cuddle.

Karen is currently mining for diamonds to pay her lawyers bills so she can keep thinking about Shakespeare and boys' asses without worrying about bankruptcy. Little does she know, she's stealing from Aquaman! That will be the next Worlds' Finest crossover: "Boring Contact: The Team-Up Nobody Clamored For!"

Since Power Girl is having money problems paying for lawyers to get her company back from Desaad Industries so that she won't have money problems anymore, Helen is probably going to have to take out another loan from Not-Dad. But Not-Dad is probably keeping a close eye on his bank accounts now that Damian is too dead to do it for him. Also, The Huntress and Batman are on the cover wrestling this month. That's a big clue.

I think R.B. Silva has drawn the Boob Window a bit too low. It's actually more of a Cleavage Window than a 95% Chance of a Nip-Slip Window. I'm fairly certain if Power Girl throws a single punch with this get-up, one tit is popping out of that hole.

Power Girl picks up Helen dressed in pajamas to fly her around New York simply to prove that her powers are working. Which, of course, means that her powers are just about to cut out and cause a bunch of trouble. Helen's advice to Karen is that she needs medical help. And since most doctors on Earth are busy trying to get the right to be like Veterinarians so that they can euthanize most of their patients, Karen is probably going to have to contact Superman or Supergirl. Which means she'll probably wind up meeting Dr. Veritas, Omniologist! If an Omniologist can't cure her then that Omniologist is going to have to think up a new career title.

Once Karen gets pissed off at her lawyers at a meeting and nearly burns down the entire building with her heat vision, she'll probably find it prudent to seek professional help. Luckily Eye Lasers don't look like money so the lawyers don't notice them. Their first instincts are to figure out who they can sue when things start catching on fire.

Meanwhile, Helen takes a walk across the set of "Death: The High Cost of Living."

Karen decides to finally visit Superman while Helena figures it's time to introduce herself to Not-Daddy. I wonder when the aliens are going to appear for First Contact! Oh wait! Superman is an alien! That's what the title means! When Power Girl's heat vision went wonky, I thought maybe the title was First Contacts because she was going to need special contacts to keep her power in check. But before that, I thought maybe this was going to be a Star Trek crossover. But now I get it! First Contact has to do with dogs! Power Girl's first meeting with Krypto and The Huntress's first meeting with Titus. So obvious!

I guess the idea of meeting Not-Dad for the first time has fucked up The Huntress's capacity for logic since she decides the first meeting with Batman should begin with her staking out Wayne Manor and then marching right into the Batcave. Maybe if her problem was not getting her ass kicked by Batman enough, this would be a viable solution. But for meeting Batman without arousing his incredibly paranoid suspicions? Big time failure.

Over his video surveillance, Batman watches The Huntress approach the secret Batcave entrance with her Remote Control Bat-Garage Door Opener. It doesn't work but Batman drops his wi-fi encryption so that The Huntress believes she has made it inside undetected. I wonder what Batman has named his wi-fi signal? Since it's paid for by Bruce Wayne, it's probably something disgusting like "MadBitchz." Got to play the secret identity angle at every turn! Nobody would believe Batman would name his wi-fi connection with anything other than a bat pun. He's probably just call it "Batsignal."

All in all, the meeting begins pretty rationally.

At least nobody has hit anybody on the first page. I bet if Alfred walked in right now, Helen would break down in tears.

I hope they talk about Damian for a bit. But only after Batman's suspicions have been allayed or else he might get extra defensive and scream "What do you know about my son?!" and begin throwing Batarangs everywhere.

The Huntress trips a light sensor and winds up in a cage. Batman calmly asks her to explain herself and she starts with, "It's a long story...". And then the Next Month Blurb says that First Contact begins in Batman Loves Superman #8. Oh fuck. I mean, that makes sense and all. But I'd rather have Paul Levitz doing the non-combat dialogue! I probably wouldn't have worried too much from what I'd read from Greg Pak until that stupid Mongul story arc. Now instead of getting some nice moments between Power Girl and Superman and some nice moments between Batman and The Huntress, we're going to get a bunch of dialogue between one couple interplaying with the dialogue from the other couple, shifting the focus from the melancholy of these ladies' first encounter with their fake relatives to the differences and similarities inherent in the way these men view this odd new relationship in their lives. I don't want to read this encounter from the point of view of Superman and Batman, Goddammit!

Worlds' Finest #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Twenty pages and not one punch was thrown! Okay, a woman was stabbed by a fork but it just played in the background over eating eclairs. I like a comic book that doesn't mind skipping physical threats to give the characters time to just deal with other shit. I suppose if you're not really writing to the characters, the only thing a writer can do is escalate action over and over. It's much easier to make Red Robin react to Harvest or Trigon or The Joker than actually make him an interesting human being named Tim Drake. Or, you know, some other example that doesn't just shit on Scott Lobdell. But those examples are harder to come up with.

Green Lantern Corps #27

Time to read this comic written by my bestest friend in the whole entire world, Van Jensen!

I mean, technically, Van Jensen probably wouldn't say we were best friends if asked. He'd probably say, "Who?" But we have spoken to each other a couple of times. Kind of! Through our mutual Facebook friend, anyway. I think I can pretty much say that I'm part of DC's inner circle now. Don't worry! It won't change me at all. I'll still be the same down-to-earth guy I've always been!

So last issue, the Green Lanterns were busy Green Lantering. That's just a short-hand way of saying they were bickering about anything they could possibly bicker about, battling cosmic threats that were either threats created by the Green Lanterns or threats that existed only because of the Green Lanterns, and punching Hal Jordan in his stupid face. This issue will probably be more of the same.

John and Yrra and Vath and Isamot and two other Green Lanterns I don't know by sight but I just scanned page three (not electronically! Optically!) and noticed they are called Oliversity and Iolande are busy trying to find out who kidnapped a couple of Green Lanterns. Oh yeah! That was the big threat they were dealing with from the pages of Green Lantern. A Durlan dressed up like Hal Jordan told the entire universe to quote sit on my fucking cock and spin, dickheads unquote. Most of them did not appreciate the message and decided to take it out on Green Lantern Embassies (called Sector Houses). It might not be the biggest fuck up in Green Lantern history but that's only because the Guardians of the Universe have come up with some real doozies like The Manhunters and The Third Army. Now it's time to clean up Hal Jordan's mess. Again!

I'd better get out a Judd Winick Jar and start putting a quarter in it every time I say "Again!" so that I can pay him his royalties the next chance I get.

Also, I think Hal Jordan needs to take responsibility of this fuck up not because it was his face the Durlan used when telling the Universe to suck it but because Hal Jordan has a reputation that made that message believable coming out of his face.

The Lanterns begin their investigation and this is where somebody who had ever watched at least one episode of any variation of CSI would probably reference that show.

This is exactly how that one actor in that show does it! And the other one too! In that other show. Unless it's the same show?

Meanwhile, a bunch of old Green Lantern foes that were set free from the sciencells before Relic could destroy Oa are traveling together in a starship convoy across the stars.

Evil Star: "Breaker, breaker! This is Evil Star! Can you turn the chicken up on the outback grill cause we got a cinnamon bun greasing up the anal tract!"
Faceless Freak: "Read you loud and clear, Evil Star! My handle is Faceless Freak! I've got a 90210 on that rubber chicken and I'm heating up the pleasure gel. We'll make sure to flip the switch on the molten teapot before that old gag can do the tango."
Zegor: "Wait a second! We're a bunch of bad guys with no Smokey the Bears in sight and we're not fighting yet? FUCK YOU ALL! EYE LASER ATTACK!"
Evil Star: "Holy shit, Faceless Freak! The angels have pooped on the birthday cake! Repeat! The angels have pooped on the birthday cake!"

You're probably all pretty impressed with my trucker speak. Convoy was practically my twentieth or twenty-first favorite film as a young lad! And we didn't have the internet to learn the lingo plus we didn't have anything to record shows on television so we could play things back to get the phrases exactly right. But I think I learned the language fairly well for only being able to catch it a few times when it aired on Showtime!

Eventually some Durlans break up the fighting so that the bad guys can concentrate on killing Green Lanterns.

Apparently this Sector House was hit by the escaped convicts (or the Khund) because it isn't until halfway through the comic book that Phony Hal Jordan shows two fingers to the rest of the universe. And that's when all the other Sector House's around the universe start getting swarmed by angry locals. So John and the gang head over to Sector 0424 to help out Lantern Vode-M.

Pretty soon every bad guy in the universe will have a Green Lantern Ring Draining Weapon. I hope.

John and the Gang rescue the Green Lanterns kidnapped at the beginning of the issue. The also learn that the Khund are working with the Durlans and making weapons using Relic's technology. As the Lanterns leave the ship of the Khund they defeated, they find that they are surrounded by thousands more Khund ships all headed toward Mogo to destroy the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern Corps #27 Rating: No change. Do people really need to read reviews of comic books that have been out for two years? I suppose when writers and/or artists change. But you kind of already know what you're getting with this book. You either read it because you like John Stewart and/or stories about the entire Lantern Corps. Or you buy it because you love Green Lantern and are a completionist even though you hate John Stewart because every Green Lantern story ties to all the Green Lantern books all the fucking time. But it's not like I need to read it and then sum up my experience for other people so they can think, "Oh really? That sounds like the kind of book I want to read!" I don't even know why I add this final paragraph or the ratings! I guess just to tie all these fucked-up commentaries together somehow. Anyway, read this comic book if you like space things! It is the spaciest!

Justice League of America #11

Oh no. It is Clayface. Look out Martian Manhunter. You are about to be mildly inconvenienced.

The issue begins with a recap of recent events by Martian Manhunter but since I don't like any of the recent events in Justice League of America, I won't be discussing them. Instead, how about a fight between Martian Manhunter and Clayface? That should last two panels.

Except J'onn can't seem to utilize any of his 15,000 different powers, so he's choked into unconsciousness where he has a vision. You know what? That doesn't really end on a strong joke, does it? More of a half-assed observation. Perhaps I should make it funny by adding a stupid word: BAZINGA! Ha ha! Oh yeah. Tears in the eyes now.

Martians do not need nipples because they feed their babies Oreo cookies.

Stargirl comes back from wasting time trying to save her stupid family to save J'onn J'onzz because she realized that he and the Justice League of America are her real family. Mostly because her step father's former career as an adult sidekick to a child super-hero embarrasses the hell out of her. Way to pick a real winner, mom! That was probably what Stargirl was thinking and not something which I've ever thought ever in my lifetime at all. Especially when my mom was dating that guy that kind of looked like Doug Henning and could do card tricks and had an orange van with an airbrushed scene of a glorious sunset on it. I wonder if I'd think that guy was as cool now as I did when I was six?

That's not cool, Stargirl. He can't help the way he looks. Oh wait. He's practically the only person in the world that can! Never mind.

Isn't anybody else curious about Clayface's biology? Let's pretend that his magic shapeshifter Native American clay keeps him alive somehow. Fine. Dandy. But how does he see? How does he compute thoughts? Digest? Speak for fucking mother's sake! I suppose, even though I really don't want to suppose this, that if I'm already pretending that magic is doing one thing, I might as well account for magic doing it all! I'm just trying to be extra cautious because I don't want my ability to suspend disbelief splitting into my daily life! Because the next thing you know, I'll be believing in God.

That is so uncalled for. He is not a monster! He's a human being! I think Skylar Merrick said that first. You know, before suffocating himself because he got tired of good looking assholes asking, "What are? 'Elephant Man'?!"

With that final insult, Stargirl breaks Clayface, turning him into a crying lump of tear-soaked clay. Martian Manhunter watches and thinks (no, he doesn't actually "think." He Narration Boxes but whatever. Stupid modern comic book conventions that don't really fucking know how to appropriately make a character think anymore and instead allow them to act as an omniscient narrator) about how this is the first time he's seen Stargirl take control and earn her place in the squad. Of course it's the first time you've seen it! Usually Amanda Waller just forces her to stay in her room when the team goes on missions! Plus, you're a fucking telepath so you probably should have known she had this in her.

As Stargirl helps up J'onn, she continues with her insults!

Why you gotta fucking pick on his appearance now?!

Now that Stargirl has saved (and insulted) J'onn, she offers to fly him wherever he needs to go to begin looking for Firestorm but she's going to Los Angeles to find her family. Also, she tempts J'onn with pigging out on cookies! Maybe she'll be his gateway into the orgiastic land of the Oreos! Also, Despero begins to follow them. Man-Bat too but he sucks and hopefully he just got a stupid cameo and stays out of the plot.

As they fly to Denver, J'onn insults Stargirl's entire generation, so maybe he deserves to be called weird looking. But he does keep it to himself, so at least he has a little bit of tact even if he's looking down his nose at the youngsters all around him as lazy, selfish bastards.

In Denver, Stargirl battles a monster robot while she remembers the sadness at the pit of her perkiness. But she's also noticing something weird about their exploits in Denver. And Despero is there and muttering about how they're breaking away from the template. Why am I even bothering with this comic book?! Everything in it since Forever Evil has just been a mindfuck! The JLA is basically on hiatus until they're ready for their part in the story. So now are Stargirl and J'onn really traveling west? Are they trapped somewhere in the thrall of Despero and only believe they're traveling? Who can tell? I certainly can't!

I'm just going to sit back and finish this comic book now so that I can stop speculating on nonsense that probably isn't even really happening! Maybe I'll eat a cookie too.

Oh well, there were only a couple of pages left. The issue ends with Despero kicking Martian Manhunter out of the sky and declaring him dead before drowning Stargirl and fleeing the scene. Stargirl is still conscious when Despero leaves and J'onn is by no means dead just because Despero put his feet in his back. So Despero is either way too confident in his powers or he's just distracting them so they don't realize that they're still in The Matrix.

Justice League of America #11 Rating: No change. Fuck you, DC. I suppose I should be grateful that you aren't charging $3.99 for every single one of your comics. But I'm not happy that your $2.99 comic books are only 20 pages and I'm certainly not excited that your shiny covered $3.99 comic books now only have 22 pages. Look, I don't want to say this next thing but you've really driven me to shouting junior high school witticisms here: Suck my fucking cock you cock monkeys! Okay. I feel better now. Can Justice League of America actually come out and play soon?

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4

What secret? That glass is fragile and breaks? What are we talking about here?

This issue is called "What Any Man Would Do." Okay! I'm ready to argue about something now! I'm a man and I wouldn't do that! I don't know what that is yet but I'm sure I wouldn't do it! Unless what any man would do is lick a butthole and then I have to say, "Oh, yeah. Any man would do that!" Especially Diana's butthole! If you're a woman and you're heterosexual and you're wondering how a man must feel when he thinks about licking Diana's butthole, just replace Diana with Dick Grayson and you'll see what I mean! Now I've managed to get everybody but the asexuals all hot and bothered with all this butthole licking imagery. I've probably also grossed some people out but those people just don't know what they're missing and haven't learned how to live and probably think they've made a valid life decision by choosing to not lick buttholes! Anyway, who am I to argue with their obstinacy and wrongheadedness?

Maybe I should change the subject before I start asking Lord Google to show me butthole licking images! Oh! I bet that's "What Any Man Would Do!" Search for pornography on the internet! I guess Wonder Woman is about to check Superman's internet search history. I bet his most often tried search entry is "naked pictures of Lois Lane." You know, just in case that ever happens and good old Jonathan Carroll posts them on his Tumblr, Journalistic Douchebag.

I don't know why but I felt this image of Zod should be left here. Seemed pertinent.

Diana has been trying to get Superman to reveal his identity as Clark Kent to the world so that they don't have to hide their relationship. And now that their relationship has been exposed, she still wants him to reveal his identity so that they can be together whenever they want. She kind of has a point. Superman doesn't need his identity in the same way that Batman does. Superman doesn't have any family that he's trying to protect. At this point, he'd just be protecting Clark Kent's friends and acquaintances. But he only has those friends and acquaintances because he insists on being Clark Kent. Drop the secret identity and stop working at the Daily Planet and he shouldn't have anything to worry about. Oh wait. He doesn't even work at the Daily Planet anymore! Besides, the only people that would be threatened would be Jimmy Olsen and Lois Lane. And they already treat Superman as their Get Out of Trouble Free card anyway. They take unnecessary risks in their job because Superman always seems to be around to save them. I don't think much would change if Superman exposed himself. Giggle.

Clark's argument is that he enjoys the difficulty of writing and being a normal person. Right. You know what's not difficult? Being Superman and playing at being a normal person. The safety net really does change everything, Clark.

Back in the Fortress of Solitude, Superman takes out his Phantom Zone lens so Zod can teach him about Doomsday. I'm still unsure about The New 52 history of Doomsday since Superman seems to be unfamiliar with Doomsday in this book but I thought Superman had been killed by him at least once by now. Maybe Superman died from Bird Flu and that's the death and resurrection he was discussing with Alec Holland way back in Swamp Thing #1. Zod also shows Superman that his Menagerie cages are merely Kryptonian Shipping Containers which dissolve when someone says "Default" in Kryptonian.

Where the fuck did Superman get all of his Kryptonian technology? Did he steal it out of The Bottled City of Kandor and have it biggie sized?

Anyway, General Zod shows that the word works on all of the containers equally well and Superman is left to do what any man would do. Not that! Um, something else!

"Faora must be free of the Phantom Zone! I must make her butthole tangible!"

I guess the title applies to Zod as well as Clark. Although it looks like Zod will do anything for love but Superman won't. Now I have to play my iTunes or Meatloaf is going to be stuck in my head. Preemptive earworm strike! "Who Do You Think We Are?" by Alice Cooper will drive Meatloaf away!

Superman is unable to stop Zod from pulling Faora out of the Phantom Zone as "When the Party's Over" by Janis Ian plays in the background.

During this entire struggle, Wonder Woman Narration Boxes about the nature of their relationship and whether she should even care one way or the other if it's hidden or not. I think what it comes down to is Wonder Woman would give everything to save Superman in much the same way that Zod gives everything to save Faora. The question is where does Clark's loyalty lie if he's unwilling to give up his human guise for Diana? Will he sacrifice her for humanity? Will he do what any man would do? Why won't he just get his tongue right up in there? It's not like she uses Kryptonite suppositories.

And another question comes to mind. What would Faora do for Zod? Is she as in to him as he's in to her? Or has she been spending the long, lonely Phantom Zone nights rimjobbing Doomsday? It's a legitimate concern!

The back-up story tells the story of Clark and Cat celebrating their big Superman Loves Wonder Woman scoop. It's mostly a double page spread of Superman and Wonder Woman messing up their underpants as they kiss with a bunch of characters' reactions to their relationship in the background.

They must not have dibs on Krypton.

I usually scan pictures of characters kissing but this shot is more important than the mouth action.

The Man of Steel's penis suddenly pressing against you can't be comfortable. Like running full speed into a piece of rebar sticking out of a concrete wall.

Cat's boyfriend Aaron is an evil genius in the making. He's working on an instant learning machine that downloads whatever you need right into your brain. If you sit in it the correct way. I imagine it does something else if you stick your ass in first.

Lex Luthor reacts to the news in much the same way Batman does. Batman is angry because he always thinks the worst will come of any situation. Luthor is mad because somebody else is fucking his man. Up until now, Superman easily could have been gay and Lex had hope. But now he just has to hope that Superman has found himself an Amazonian beard or else Lex's dreams of a happily ever after have just gone down the prison toilet.

Diana's reaction is to head back to Themyscira to check on her snakes. Clark's reaction is to question why the picture of Superman and Wonder Woman would have been sent to Clark Kent's little blog. That's the kind of question Batman would ask! Oh, and Clark Kent since he's an investigative journalist!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. The Zod stuff was fairly pedestrian and I was ready to not raise the rank of this comic book but then I so enjoyed the back-up story, I changed my mind. And my underpants.