Worlds' Finest #20

Before Ward Kendall, Hero of America's Traditional Values (if the only traditional value you're concerned with is having "white" skin, that is), interrupted me in my last commentary, I was about to delve a little bit into my past. One of the thousands of themes that I keep coming back to across my thousand plus comic book commentaries is how little we actually change as people. I suppose it's why people like Ward Kendall have such a hard time dealing with a society that doesn't fit his idea of past tradition. Not that people don't change in a wide variety of ways. But there are essential bits of us that don't come down to our ideology or our religion or our political beliefs. They're aspects of the way we act and approach the world around us. They do not define us but they often control the way we present ourselves to the world around us. Perhaps they're the things that cause other people to attempt to define us. Say a person is deemed "weird" in kindergarten, they are likely to continue to be thought of as weird as an adult simply because they retain the same mannerisms across the years that grate and chafe against what people trying to fit in deem as normative. I'm beginning with some crap my mom kept about my first year of school: kindergarten.

Before I scan in a few artifacts from the time, I should point out that the best piece of evidence that I'm still the same person I was in first grade is currently lost. But I think this other shit is interesting as well. We'll get to Batman soon enough, comic book nerds!

My mother circled "Awards" and "Achievements" as things that were enclosed in the Kindergarten File. Let's just say she's really stretching the definition of those words.

As you can see, I began school at the tender age of four. Although that point might be arguable. I was enrolled in school at four years of age. But seeing that my birthday was just a few weeks later and every day I simply sat by myself refusing to do anything the teacher asked of me for the first one or two months, it's possible I didn't actually "begin" school until I was five. I don't remember what eventually turned me around on the whole school experience. Maybe it was playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals. Or perhaps by the time I wanted to join in, I had met my best friend Judy. Or I might have been lured in by my absolute, all-time favorite activity of Kindergarten (no, not nap-time although, come on! Awesome): playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" I've never in my life done heroin but I imagine it's akin to the feeling of keeping the button in your hands and pretending to pass it on to the child sitting on the carpet next to you. The elation! The power! The screwing over of the masses! It's also possible this game taught me that fucking the system and inciting chaos was the only way to live.

So I was the youngest kid in my class throughout high school. I think that means something about the way I view myself among my peers or something. I'm sure somebody's done a study that I'm supposed to be interested in so that I can lose a little bit of myself and my own individuality by seeing that all kids in the same group wind up the same way. I'm going to blame all of my failures on Youngest Kid in Class Syndrome!

I'm sure I sandbagged this IQ score!

I'm sure my mom was thrilled to think she had some kind of evil genius baby boy only to be betrayed by his declaration that he wanted to be a truck driver.

Apparently we took some bullshit IQ test in Kindergarten to find out which kids should be culled from the herd of average cows. That's what that "MGM Class" note means. I think the "G" stands for gifted but I'm too fucking stupid to figure out what the "M"s stand for. C.W. Haman Elementary decided to drop the gifted class across all grades before this class even began. We wound up having GATE (Gifted and Talented Education. Unless it was actually "Great Access To Evil" since C.W. Haman was apparently a school for budding Satanists) for 4th through 6th Grade only.

Notice how I made no new friends. That will remain consistent throughout school. Not that I didn't have friends (like Judy I mentioned!); it's just that I never told anybody about them.

So what were my achievements in Kindergarten?

Nine stars on a strip of paper, bitches!

A Yellow Ribbon for Participation! And what did I participate in to earn this esteemed badge of honor?

A picnic!

So to sum up Kindergarten: I rocked a fucking picnic, I earned Nine out of Who Knows How Many Stars for some mystery reason, I made no friends because they were all fucking jealous of my "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" skills, and I dreamed of being a truck driver, the meth-fueled backbone of American industry! Mom and Dad must have been so proud at the stellar amounts of potential I was wasting. And I never disappointed them!

So now that I'm done with the discussing me part of this commentary, I guess I'll get back to Batman, Superman, The Huntress, and Power Girl as they tell New Gamorra to knock it the fuck off. First things first: keep Power Girl and Superman from crashing to the Earth from a low level orbit.

I hope Batman winds up having a soft spot for The Huntress. I'm sure when he finds out she knew Damian, there will be some bonding and Bat-Tears (caused by Joker Dust, of course).

I was disappointed when I realized First Contact was going to bounce back and forth between this series and Batman Loves Superman. I understood why! It's a perfect way to present this story. But I was looking forward to Levitz' version since I realized it's going to be more emotional and full of heart. Pak's version was just going to be a lot of Superman and Batman pulling out the Bat-Ruler and comparing penis sizes. Sure, that's exciting and informative but there's a time and a place for it. That time and place is not a story about how my two favorite BFFs from Earth 2 finally meet their familial counterparts on New Earth. Believe me when I say family reunions are not the best time for comparing genitalia.

Power Girl's powers have returned to normal because Superman caught whatever she had (a severe case of Gamorran Nanites, it would appear). Batman slings some Kryptonite around Superman's neck and heads off with Power Girl to stop Kaizen Gamorra from doing whatever despicable thing he's doing. They know it's despicable because he's Kaizen Gamorra. I don't think anybody by the name of Kaizen Gamorra has ever done anything not evil. The Huntress and Superman remain out of the fight because Superman has lost his crazy time powers thanks to Batman's Kryptonite. Eventually a Gamorran Super Soldier comes looking for the Nanites in Superman's body. The Huntress steps up to save the day because Superman is useless. Superman doesn't think he's useless or want to admit that he's useless but he is. Totally useless. Like Aquaman.

The other half is Catwoman! See how I pick up on subtlety! Unless that wasn't subtle. I have a hard time noting subtlety because everything is so obvious to me!

Meanwhile Rorschach Batman and Power Girl infiltrate New Gamorra. They do this by simply flying to the island. Old Gamorra never would have let anybody get this close without their knowledge! I guess the Son of Kaizen Gamorra is a pale copy of his old man. I bet even though he's only half-Kaizen Gamorra, Regulus would not be ambushed by the likes of Batman. Although he was ambushed by Batgirl, so maybe I'm wrong about that.

Batman wants to sneak in like a sneaker but Power Girl thinks Batman is an asshole. I can't argue against that but that doesn't mean her method of invading New Gamorra is any better. Her method is to knock on the front door and make friends with Son of Kaizen Gamorra because he titillates her fancy pants. Not only is he interested in her for the obvious reasons (her strong will and intelligence) but also because her molecules are all left-handed. Left-handed is another way of saying kinky. So I think the next step for these two lover birds is to find a men's bathroom.

Although I just thought of something! If the Nanites were seeking left-handed molecules and those molecules can only come from a left-handed universe, why did the nanites decided to occupy Superman? I guess he's freakier than I first imagined!

Batman discovers via sneaker-mode that the Son of Kaizen Gamorra has been using Power Girl's DNA to build an army of partially Kryptonian Clone-Things. Power Girl doesn't discover this until Son of Kaizen Gamorra gets creepy with her.

He doesn't think he can hurt her. But he thinks his Clone-Things can.

Meanwhile Helena and Kal have arrived on New Gamorra posing as journalists. I'd sooner pose as pedophiles.

Worlds' Finest #20 Rating: No change. So far it seems that nobody likes Batman. I'm not even sure Alfred likes Batman. The only chance of anybody ever liking Batman at all lies with Selina Kyle and I think he's going to reject the fuck out of her because Batman doesn't know how to be loved. Superman, on the other hand, is well liked by almost everybody who knows him even though he's a complete asshole. Batman and Superman had better stop with their childish rivalry since they only have each other.

Worlds' Finest #19

This is an equal match-up because The Huntress was trained by Batman #2 who is far smarter and more experienced than Batman #1. Also, she was trained by Catwoman so Batman #1 might have weird feelings about her. I mean, that training will give her a sexy edge. I mean a fighting edge! Oh, forget everything I just said. I hope these two fuck.

The Huntress has been explicitly calling Batman of New Earth "Not-Dad." And who is more apt to be a romantic interest for a young lady than somebody that is so totally not her father that she refers to him as "Not-Dad"? That isn't creepy at all or anything. Is having them punch each other until one of them ends up in the hospital a better plan? Of course not. Sex is always better than violence even in cases of incest. I'd much rather a mother love her children so much that it winds up in intercourse than have a mother kill her children and fly off in a chariot pulled by dragons.

This issue begins Hentai style.

It's cool, Karen. It probably just wants to cuddle.

Karen is currently mining for diamonds to pay her lawyers bills so she can keep thinking about Shakespeare and boys' asses without worrying about bankruptcy. Little does she know, she's stealing from Aquaman! That will be the next Worlds' Finest crossover: "Boring Contact: The Team-Up Nobody Clamored For!"

Since Power Girl is having money problems paying for lawyers to get her company back from Desaad Industries so that she won't have money problems anymore, Helen is probably going to have to take out another loan from Not-Dad. But Not-Dad is probably keeping a close eye on his bank accounts now that Damian is too dead to do it for him. Also, The Huntress and Batman are on the cover wrestling this month. That's a big clue.

I think R.B. Silva has drawn the Boob Window a bit too low. It's actually more of a Cleavage Window than a 95% Chance of a Nip-Slip Window. I'm fairly certain if Power Girl throws a single punch with this get-up, one tit is popping out of that hole.

Power Girl picks up Helen dressed in pajamas to fly her around New York simply to prove that her powers are working. Which, of course, means that her powers are just about to cut out and cause a bunch of trouble. Helen's advice to Karen is that she needs medical help. And since most doctors on Earth are busy trying to get the right to be like Veterinarians so that they can euthanize most of their patients, Karen is probably going to have to contact Superman or Supergirl. Which means she'll probably wind up meeting Dr. Veritas, Omniologist! If an Omniologist can't cure her then that Omniologist is going to have to think up a new career title.

Once Karen gets pissed off at her lawyers at a meeting and nearly burns down the entire building with her heat vision, she'll probably find it prudent to seek professional help. Luckily Eye Lasers don't look like money so the lawyers don't notice them. Their first instincts are to figure out who they can sue when things start catching on fire.

Meanwhile, Helen takes a walk across the set of "Death: The High Cost of Living."

Karen decides to finally visit Superman while Helena figures it's time to introduce herself to Not-Daddy. I wonder when the aliens are going to appear for First Contact! Oh wait! Superman is an alien! That's what the title means! When Power Girl's heat vision went wonky, I thought maybe the title was First Contacts because she was going to need special contacts to keep her power in check. But before that, I thought maybe this was going to be a Star Trek crossover. But now I get it! First Contact has to do with dogs! Power Girl's first meeting with Krypto and The Huntress's first meeting with Titus. So obvious!

I guess the idea of meeting Not-Dad for the first time has fucked up The Huntress's capacity for logic since she decides the first meeting with Batman should begin with her staking out Wayne Manor and then marching right into the Batcave. Maybe if her problem was not getting her ass kicked by Batman enough, this would be a viable solution. But for meeting Batman without arousing his incredibly paranoid suspicions? Big time failure.

Over his video surveillance, Batman watches The Huntress approach the secret Batcave entrance with her Remote Control Bat-Garage Door Opener. It doesn't work but Batman drops his wi-fi encryption so that The Huntress believes she has made it inside undetected. I wonder what Batman has named his wi-fi signal? Since it's paid for by Bruce Wayne, it's probably something disgusting like "MadBitchz." Got to play the secret identity angle at every turn! Nobody would believe Batman would name his wi-fi connection with anything other than a bat pun. He's probably just call it "Batsignal."

All in all, the meeting begins pretty rationally.

At least nobody has hit anybody on the first page. I bet if Alfred walked in right now, Helen would break down in tears.

I hope they talk about Damian for a bit. But only after Batman's suspicions have been allayed or else he might get extra defensive and scream "What do you know about my son?!" and begin throwing Batarangs everywhere.

The Huntress trips a light sensor and winds up in a cage. Batman calmly asks her to explain herself and she starts with, "It's a long story...". And then the Next Month Blurb says that First Contact begins in Batman Loves Superman #8. Oh fuck. I mean, that makes sense and all. But I'd rather have Paul Levitz doing the non-combat dialogue! I probably wouldn't have worried too much from what I'd read from Greg Pak until that stupid Mongul story arc. Now instead of getting some nice moments between Power Girl and Superman and some nice moments between Batman and The Huntress, we're going to get a bunch of dialogue between one couple interplaying with the dialogue from the other couple, shifting the focus from the melancholy of these ladies' first encounter with their fake relatives to the differences and similarities inherent in the way these men view this odd new relationship in their lives. I don't want to read this encounter from the point of view of Superman and Batman, Goddammit!

Worlds' Finest #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. Twenty pages and not one punch was thrown! Okay, a woman was stabbed by a fork but it just played in the background over eating eclairs. I like a comic book that doesn't mind skipping physical threats to give the characters time to just deal with other shit. I suppose if you're not really writing to the characters, the only thing a writer can do is escalate action over and over. It's much easier to make Red Robin react to Harvest or Trigon or The Joker than actually make him an interesting human being named Tim Drake. Or, you know, some other example that doesn't just shit on Scott Lobdell. But those examples are harder to come up with.

Worlds' Finest #17

You would think the focal point of this picture would be Power Girl's terrified face. Well, you would think that if you weren't a comic book reader anyway.

Apparently I can use my scanner as an alternate ice box because I left Worlds' Finest #17 in it overnight and I just set it down on my thermal-covered legs and almost got frostbite. How can a comic book get so cold? I think I may have purchased a Victor Fries Scanner/Cryobox.

Last issue, Power Girl's powers were acting a bit wonky and some mysterious tattooed Bender was running around New York burning down fashion shows. So what is the first thing Power Girl does when she loses her invulnerability? Locks herself in a hotel room for a week straight with the most powerful vibrator she can find!

I mean, she gets a tattoo! Although we aren't privy to everything she does, so this could be the second thing!

Karen doesn't actually get a tattoo because her invulnerability seems to be working again. But when the tattoo artist's needle breaks on her iron skin and he's perplexed about what happened to his really expensive equipment, do you think she ponies up the cash to pay for it, knowing that she's responsible? No, of course not! Fuck normal people and their desperate struggle to get by! Ruin his livelihood? Better just slink out and pretend you weren't to blame! And last issue, Helena busted out the beautiful window of a library she had broken into without so much as a care. These women are reckless and selfish!

I hope I don't turn the page and find Karen paying the guy for his broken needle now! Then I'd have to acknowledge that I was wrong and that's a sign of weakness! If I ever run for political office, somebody might point out that I once believed one thing and then changed my mind once the facts were shown to be different than I had believed! And only weak assholes change their opinions in the light of new facts!

By the way, The Huntress has a cute little tattoo of her parents.

What does having a tattoo have to do with purity? Don't make me call you an idiot, Karen the idiot.

Even if Karen got a tattoo, wouldn't her body just heal it up? Anthony the Tattoo Artist just complimented her on her beautiful, unmarked skin. But you'd expect her to have lots of scars since she does occasionally battle people that can bust her lips and break some bones. I bet if she managed to get a tattoo, it would clear up after spending just a few hours in the sun. Unless the ink were laced with Kryptonite!

Power Girl decides she needs some time in the sun so she pays $10 million dollars for a Space Tours lift into orbit. Where, even though her powers aren't currently trustworthy, she loses the space suit and climbs outside the shuttle.

I guess she knows her powers better than I do. But I'd still have just lain out by the pool.

While Power Girl recharges, The Huntress hunts. I wonder if The Huntress is currently Tierra Primera's Greatest Detective? Her father was probably a greater detective than the Batman on this Earth. And The Huntress was also taught tricks of the trade by Catwoman. I bet she's just about as good (if not better). Although she doesn't have an Alfred Pennyworth to help her out, so Batman does have that advantage over her. Whether she's the best or not, she's good enough to find The Shadow Bender that's been barbecuing models.

She's either pulling out pills or a buttplug. I guess it depends on whether she's using a tactic she learned from dad or mom.

Shadow Bender gets away by diving off of the bridge and deploying her Shadow-chute. She then argues with some police officers where she reveals her motives for burning the fuck out of fashion models:

Yeah, burning people to death seems an adequate response to the media's distortion of beauty.

Perhaps if we didn't insist on educating our children by telling them to sit down, be quiet, and believe what they're told, we wouldn't have a populace of people who unthinkingly accept the messages from advertisers and corporations that they're constantly exposed to. Perhaps if we taught children the ability to rationalize, to think logically and critically, to question even supposed authority figures, we'd have a populace less apt to be destroyed by the overall media message? Oh wait. But that would also create a populace that doesn't fall for the whole dream of a house, children, cell phone, comic books, internet, and whatever other monthly bills you can convince them they need so that they're a slave to any job the corporations deign to toss their way. I suppose low self-esteem, eating disorders, and depression in a large swath of the population is just the price we pay for making sure everybody falls in line and accrues a nice big debt so they can be more easily controlled. Good work, society!

For some reason, this little scene gave me Ann Nocenti flashbacks. I think I have PTAND: Post Traumatic Ann Nocenti Disorder.

And then Power Girl comes crashing back down to Earth completely out of control. And the Shadow Bender gets away again.

Worlds' Finest #17 Rating: No change. One of the things I really like about this comic book is that it always seems to save a few pages for Hel and Karen to just hang out. They're the best parts of this comic book and I wouldn't mind this comic merely being scenes from their lives without any super conflicts interrupting!

This was my favorite moment in this issue after the pilot of the Space Shuttle thought he was going to fuck Karen Starr in orbit:

Look at her showing him those two overturned fingers. She's totally into butt stuff. Which totally explains Helena's disgust at Karen touching her Ice Cream in Worlds' Finest #14, just like I thought!

New Guardians #24

Time to finish Lights Out in one sitting so I don't forget any more of what's happening!

Relic has recently destroyed The Blue Lanterns' world and Oa. It was pretty hilarious. I think John Stewart and/or Hal Jordan have a plan. Maybe it was Kyle Rayner who had the plan. It probably wasn't Guy Gardner. I think he'll be all for his planet being destroyed since the Red Lanterns' world is a miserable pile of feces.

This issue begins with a bunch of impotent members of the Green Lantern Corps (and some of their impotent friends as well!) standing around on space rocks watching Oa explodiferate. Everyone moans and whines and denies evidence presented in grand fashion right in front of their eyes. They should really be more concerned with the charge left in their rings before they, too, wind up explodiferating.

Hal Jordan's worst plan ever? Probably not although "talking" and "Red Lanterns" don't really belong in the same solar system.

After Hal conceives his plan (or has he hatched it? Or did he do both, first his brain fucking itself to conceive the plan and then the plan hatching fully formed from his mouth?), the Lantern Corps Entities arrive. I don't know where they were going that caused them to stop by Oa to pick up Ion and then wander off again to return to where Oa once was. I don't think they're very good at planning routes for their errands. Perhaps it was just that Kyle Rayner arrived on Oa after the entities had been through because he's what they're looking for this time. Apparently the Entity Graveyard exists inside Kyle Rayner's chest. The only three entities that don't make an appearance are the Red, Yellow, and Black Entities. They must have decided they look cool and fascist together, so they ran off to make fearful angry dead babies.

The Entities possess Kyle's body so that they can run off and do whatever it is they need to do. It has nothing to do with the Corps or with Relic, so they (or He Who Is Many) teleport all non-essential personnel to Ysmault for that really dumb "let's talk with the Red Lanterns" plan Hal is so stoked about. Also, all non-essential personnel means everybody but Kyle.

Meanwhile John Stewart and all of the new recruits have their own plan: go talk with the Indigo Lanterns. That plan is possibly worse than Hal Jordan's!

John Stewart: "We need your help saving the universe!"
Indigo Lantern: "Nok nok nokkity nok nok nok."

At least the Red Lanterns have a pool that teaches its members how to stop being incomprehensible. And you know the Indigo Lanterns aren't speaking anything but nonsense since none of the rings ever translate what they say.

Has anybody stopped by to tell the Indigo Lanterns that they aren't going to be using their plan to stick Indigo Rings on the old Guardians' fingers? I suppose they're still busy making their Remorse Rings.

Kyle continues to struggle against the Entities' possession of his body. He can't do it alone but the Bohemian Guardians show up to help him get free. I can't begin to understand how the mind of a light entity works but apparently it works a lot like the mind of a super hero. In comic books, how much time is wasted on an annual basis by people declaring there is no time to explain and then end up battling the person that needs the explanation? Hasn't anyone figured out that it takes less time to tell people your plan than to beat them to a pulp? I can't be too mad at these weird light beings because, in their defense, teleporting Hal and his crew to Ysmault took nearly no time while explaining something to Hal would probably have taken a full college semester.

The Bohemian Guardians attack the Entities in outer space while Kyle attacks them from behind in inner space.

His attack plan is to ask philosophical questions that are unanswerable because they make no sense anyway. Why would somebody fight an ocean? I suppose if the ocean is hitting on your spouse and being highly crude and inappropriate. But how often does that happen?

Kyle's answer to his own question is that you don't fight oceans. Good answer, right? Now wait. He continues with "You let them fight each other." Is that why the surf at the beach is so violent? Because it's the Pacific fighting with the Indian and the Arctic fighting with the Atlantic and the Southern Ocean going, "No! Wait! Stop! Why must we fight?!" That makes sense.

Kyle also comes to another conclusion about fighting oceans! Instead of fighting them, you should probably just go with the flow and let them decide what to do! Because paddling in an ocean is like kick boxing on the sun! I mean, it doesn't get you anywhere!

You know, if only Relic had allowed the information to go both ways when he had Kyle trapped inside his own mind, this whole dispute could have been resolved immediately!

New Guardians #24 Rating: No change. You know, if characters in comic books decided to use communication as their first method of conflict resolution, far more would get accomplished. Sure, people might expect comic books with less throat punching to not be as exciting. But I have a feeling if everybody just sat in a room and shared their feelings and their desires, it would be just as interesting and exciting as people in skin-tight costumes punching each other in the tits. Okay, maybe not as exciting. Perhaps if their conflict resolution caucuses were conducted in the nude that would make up for the lack of curb stomping.

The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.