Lois and Clark #1

Disappointed father. Alcoholic mother. Poor little Jon-double-el is going to be a mess.

Based on this cover, I think I'm finally going to talk about the art more than the story! Superman looks like he's trying not to shit himself or his fancy new black costume. Hopefully the black costume doesn't indicate a grimmer, more obsessed Superman because I don't think he can get any grimmer or more obsessed. But what am I thinking? This is Preboot Superman! He's going to be a fun loving, compassionate, patient man. Right?

This issue begins with Preboot Lois Lane describing the Justice League's battle with Darkseid after she and Preboot Clark had been on Earth-You for exactly one day. Um. What? Now I have to make sense of more convoluted continuity bullshit? DC Comics, can you please stop fixing your universe? You know how they say don't fix it if it ain't broken? Well, that doesn't apply to your universe. But how about this saying that I'm making up just for you: don't bother breaking it more when it's completely broken and useless already! Hmm, maybe I should take my own advice! Maybe I should just gaze down at the broken universe and all the extra pieces scattered all over the floor and shrug my shoulders and just accept that I'm going to have to live with this mess in my garage.

No way! I'm going to at least try to make some sense out of it before it's all explained when I turn the page!

Here's what I know: Convergence restored the Infinite DC Universe by changing up the battle against the Anti-monitor during the Crisis. This Clark, Lois, and their child went back to help. Apparently after they arrived and the Anti-Monitor was stopped, one day later Darkseid attacked and the New 52 Justice League saved the day. No wait. That can't be right. Maybe I should just let Lois Lane explain what happened.

See? She's such a great reporter that after one day, she knows this Earth is suspicious, doubting, edgy, and without faith! She'll totally be able to explain what's going on!

Lois and Clark and their baby squat in a dilapidated farmhouse. Lucky! They've only been on Earth-You for one or two days and they're already doing better at life than I am!

That's crazy! What a bonkers world!

Superman sits down to recount what happened during and after Convergence! I don't know how he can be so calm on a world without faith where Cyborg isn't a Teen Titan. I guess that's what makes him Superman and me just a guy who would already be dead if I had been transferred to a different version of Earth.

Superman's story is pretty much what I already said except after saving the multiverse, he and Lois were transported to Earth-You since their Earth was now different. Or something. Why they didn't stay on the newly saved Earth-1, only God and DC's editors know. And that's pretty much it! So basically Earth-You is a lot like Earth-1 in the Pre-Crisis years except without faith. But it has two Supermen again, a young one and an old one. So totally just like Pre-Crisis Earth-1!

Superman points out how the people of Earth-You don't trust their Superman which seems like an assumption being that he's only had one day to judge and that day was a day where the Justice League saved the Earth. But I'll allow him the leap of logic because it's completely spot-on due to the people of Earth-You sucking as hard as any comic book population has ever sucked. Bunch of xenophobic assholes is what they are. So Clark decides that he and Lois should just lie low and raise their kid to about seven years old without anybody knowing about them.

I guess this inappropriately pops the boners of people who ship Lois and Clark but I hate the little bastard already, trying to be all adorable with his stupid dog named Ranger.

Jon-double-el is a whiny little bastard who probably has bunches of people fooled into thinking he's the best thing since the Greeks invented the word "best" and began using it to describe everything to make their lives seem super cool and then then Romans invented the word "literally" which totally trumped those idiot Greeks because their life was only the best while the Roman way of life was now literally the best. Idiots!

Superman has been out acting like a hero for years while wearing the undercover Black Superman uniform. Oh, and guess what? His powers are fluctuating and he's getting weaker! Go figure. Can't have a Superman who's too powerful because then all the Marvel Fanboys get to say things like, "DC Comics suck because Superman is way overpowered. It's like how is anything ever a threat to him? It doesn't make any logical sense or anything. But like, I guess Batman is kind of cool." Also DC Fanboys probably like Superman depowered too so they can respond to their Marvel friends with things like, "Pshaw! That was the old Superman! The current Superman has like problems and junk and isn't as powerful as when he sweated that one time bench pressing six Earths. Now he can only like lift a motorcycle and people don't like him at all. They totally treat him like an X-person. You'd totally dig it." And then the Marvel Fanboy is all "DC movies suck Hulk dick!" And the DC Fanboy is all "Eww! I can't win that argument with any existing twist of fanboy logic because it's so true!" Then the Image Fanboy is all "Just wait until all of the Image movies come out! Then you'll see!" And the Marvel and DC Fanboys are all "You don't get an opinion no matter how strong Image comics are right now because Image broke comic books in the nineties."

Lois and Clark discover that Hank Henshaw is returning from his ten year mission to Jupiter. I bet the Jupiter Crew were five years into the mission when NASA let them know about Green Lanterns and told them to just turn around and come home. Lois and Clark are worried that the ship, the Excalibur, is going to crash and turn Hank Henshaw into another Cyborg Superman. Knowing how crazy this world is, Cyborg Superman will then probably join the Teen Titans. Wacky!

Oh he's so precocious and observant! He's going to be trouble!

Lois has been publishing books under the pseudonym "Agent X". She raises awareness and crap. Her new book is going to let everybody know that Intergang is bad. Whew! I thought Intergang was getting off easy with everybody concentrating their hatred on the Supremacists and Superman. Instead of emailing the file to her publisher, she meets her in a clandestine back alley meeting where they're spied by some eavesdropper with glasses. If it weren't for the glasses, I would probably recognize who it was.

Superman busies himself with making sure Henshaw's ship doesn't crash. He lands it safe on a Pacific island where a bunch of uncivilized natives can see the bright light fall and praise the gods. Ha ha! They're so ignorant and not American!

Henshaw survives but he's still in his space suit when the scene changes so he might already be a monster!

Meanwhile in a distant star system, some woman with a flaming sword is searching for the Oblivion Stone. I'd guess it was Maxima but she was already introduced in Supergirl and she was sort of nice. Maybe it's just a Magic the Gathering player looking for the final card she needs to create the ultimate unbeatable deck. Then she'll return to Earth, beat Jon-double-el in a Magic Tournament and make him cry. So then Superman will have to teach her a lesson! With his fists!

Lois and Clark #1 Rating: It's weird that this comic book takes place on Earth-You but I guess it's all part of DC's plan to continue to make their universe as confusing as possible while constantly freaking out about how they should fix it. At least it provides a glimpse of a Superman who is doing good simply for the sake of doing good. And a Lois helping the world with her writing without obsessing over page hits and Pulitzers. That kid has got to go though! What a little snot! I bet y'all like him, don't you?! Kid lovers! I hope his best friend at school is Danny Chase so I can hate the little shit even more for bringing that Scrappy Doo jerk-off into the DC Youniverse! I'm happy for a comic book with a seemingly reasonable Superman in it but it's still a seemingly reasonable Superman being written by Dan Jurgens and edited by Eddie Berganza so nobody get their hopes up! I'll rank this at #22 and let it fight it out with Superman for the best Superman book. Obviously this one is already better but that doesn't make it all that compelling. Unless you like Jon-double-el, of course! Which y'all probably do! Ugh!