Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1

I hope this is more "time spent in motels" than "time spent on the road," if you get my horny meaning!

Amanda and Jimmy pump out so many of these Harley Quinn specials that I usually just treat them as a nice break from writing anything coherent. Shut up! I heard you scoffing your nerdy scoff and snidely saying, "As if anything you write is coherent!", followed by an ebullient snort of laughter!

I don't even know what words are anymore.

See, the thing it starts and then some stuff but then well here and what.

So the lollipop was all and the skirt hitched and the toes and calves were hey.

So then the plot and it's Tony and the sausage dog is back too. A road trip is planned just like the cover says! Oh, hey. I'm getting my words back! Whew. That was close.

Butts butt butt butt butts.

So Poison and Batman but then phone cats and brbble drzzl.

Flaked. Meaty Bits. Saucesations. Tasty Treasures. Rise and Shine. Savory Shreds.

Soon in Los Angeles more low cuts and high hems and towels and underpants.

Typing words here.

Mobile home or whatnot.

spork


guttural noise

Bikininininanas. Hallucinations. Oral sex.

spurt. nap.

What? Hunh? What's going on? Mmm, boobies.

Beaver jokes! The end!

Harley Quinn Road Trip Special #1 Rating: I haven't scanned this much cheesecake since Superboy #3!

Harley Quinn #18

Aww! Violence is so cute! I'm going to put on roller blades and go stab somebody!

The worst thing about the internet is not that it allows everybody to have a voice but that it causes people to think that their voice is somehow too important not to be expressed. I mean other people! Obviously I'm above that criticism because I made the criticism! But even if I have to wade through endless pictures of bullshit from people who have dropped writing in complete sentences in favor of only speaking in hashtags in the wild chance that somebody on Instagram will look up "#kickinitcalistyle" and find their picture of them doing the most mundane bullshit, the internet is worth it. Because many voices that are worth hearing would never before have had a chance at such a wide circulation if they had to rely on traditional media and old fashioned outlets. The internet is simply millions of zines with the potential of a much wider audience than the customers at Tower Records or the local comic book shop. Mainstream culture often looked down on zines as people self-publishing because what they had to say wasn't worth being said in a professional magazine. But the best part about zines is that they are filled with passionate voices that needed a means to express those voices. Instead of a bunch of faceless managers and accountants trying to figure out what kinds of articles will make them the most money and then have a dispassionate writer work on that idea, zines simply exist because the writer had an idea or a humorous thought or a raging hate-boner which couldn't be contained anymore. The writer was enough in love with what was in their head to go through the trouble of printing and stapling and copying and graphic design, not to mention the torture of asking businesses if they'd carry their zine. The internet makes this process much easier (which is why so much of the web is shit) and expands the potential audience for voices that have something important or interesting or funny to say (which is why so much of the web is glorious).

If I had to honestly assess my little part of the internet, I'd say it's just slightly above "shit" because--I mean, I just have to face the facts--I don't really have anything important to say. And even if I did, it's about comic books! And nobody should care about comic books when we have out of control police officers believing they're all goddamned Judge Dredd, and old white men believing woman's bodies should be legislated, and an increasing number of bigoted assholes hiding behind their religion to treat other people like shit. How poorly Scott Lobdell is writing Jason Todd should be the least of our worries.

I think that's as close to a compliment as I'll ever give Scott Lobdell!

At the end of the last issue of Harley Quinn, Popeye was beating up a couple of the Harleys. Now Harley and the rest of the Gang need to swoop in and beat the living shit out of Popeye the way Bluto never could.

You know who was to blame for all of that violence between Bluto and Popeye (and maybe Brutus if he was a third person and not just an alternate name for Bluto)? Olive Oil. I know that wasn't much of a revelation which is why I chose to end it in a period instead of an exclamation point. If she didn't just keep leading them both on and just chose one (since Popeye and Bluto obviously weren't into anything more vanilla than monogamy), they wouldn't have had to beat the shit out of each other for decades. Although I suppose either one of them could have just been an adult about it and moved on with their lives. I suppose it wasn't fair to Olive that she had feelings for both of them and she couldn't decide on which of the violent bastards she wanted to spend her life with. It's also possible that Olive Oil didn't love Bluto at all and he was just a creepy rapist that wouldn't leave her alone. I can't remember the last time I saw a Popeye cartoon. One thing I know for sure! It was bullshit the way everybody decided to call the pacifist "Wimpy." You can always count on the majority to come together on any issue by attacking the pacifists and atheists!

The first few pages are spent on catch up Narration Boxes, some first act Law and Order procedural bullshit, a long comment on gentrification, and then a mugging. I'm sure Popeye will be coming up soon!

I know I shouldn't be judging Harley by her intelligent schemes so I probably shouldn't mention how putting a bomb in a cell phone that explodes when it's out of your vicinity is a bad idea, considering how often people misplace their phones.

Harley and Bolly find Popeye in a tattoo parlor just up the street. They confront him and...wait a second. Is this Popeye fanfic? Did I just pay $3.99 for fan fiction of Popeye the Sailor Man?! I am such an idiot.

Harley steals Popeye's spinach (which is actually irradiated seaweed) and eats it herself so that she can get huge forearms. But instead she just gets a hallucination in which she plays the part of a pirate. Her pirate ship is named Bernie. So I guess she set out to sea in her vagina.

Before the year is out, this hallucination will have its own mini-series.

Harley wakes up in the hospital with Ivy. When did this comic book become an anti-drug pamphlet?! Taking illicit substances that cause you to hallucinate is fun, kids! Don't believe this crap about winding up in a hospital! I've been rereading my X-Statix comics from the early 2000s and they're full of anti-marijuana and anti-smoking ads. I was actually surprised that those ads lasted into the new millennium. The smoking ads proclaim "Tobacco is whacko!" in huge letters with crazy images to go along with them. And then in smaller writing hidden somewhere else on the page, "If you're a teen." Ha ha! Stupid anti-smoking ads put out by cigarette companies! Please tell us why smoking is "whacko" if you're a teen but not if you're an adult? Are you saying it's only wrong to smoke before the law has accepted that you can make rational decisions on your own? I love how they want to make it seem like they're doing a good thing but they don't want to risk alienating the adults who smoke so they add the "if you're a teen" bullshit. And the anti-marijuana ads are no better. They generally end with something like "TRUTH" or "FACT" as being the reason not to do drugs. But the entire ad relies on hyperbolic hypothetical situations. It really would be nice if an ad just pointed out actual dangers to different drugs. But then I guess they really wouldn't have many reasons to tell kids not to smoke pot. They could bring up lung cancer but pot doesn't have to be smoked so their ad would really just be an anti-smoking ad while extolling the virtue of brownie mixes.

While Harley was out of it, the rest of the gang confronted Popeye and were defeated.

Hee hee. Behind! Don't you pervs fap to this image scan! Go out and pay $3.99 to fap to it like the rest of us!

Popeye has taken the Gang of Harleys out to sea and now he's planning on killing them all. It's up to Ivy and Harley to rescue them! But hopefully not all of them because, let's face it, there are way too many characters to care about in this comic book!

Harley Quinn #18 Rating: No change. I'm not entirely sure if this is an anti-drug comic book, an anti-spinach comic book, or an anti-fisherman comic book. I suppose it could be all of them as well as a slight anti-gentrification screed and a bit of a rant against the modern materialist culture. It's also possible it's just a story about a bunch of women kicking ass, taking drugs, and fucking. The fucking part isn't blatant though. It's things like Harley in the hospital with an "IV inside of her" and The Joker's Blunderbuss going "BANG" and how Harley never minded Ivy's "seafood buffet" smell before. It's all really classy!

Worlds' Finest #32

Superman couldn't save the woman that poses for all the pictures on hair salon windows.

This issue begins with Lois Lane sullying her reputation as the greatest journalist to ever live by admitting that she used to make shit up and report it as if it were true.

Any journalist who believes this is true can go fuck themselves.

Now I don't mind if a journalist speculates in an article as long as they announce when they're speculating. But to report on their speculation as if it is the truth is unethical and harmful. And the fact that Lois is justifying it just makes me hate her more. I bet Lois never wanted people to know that she would make up parts of the stories she reported on but now that she has a robot brain, she can't help but tell the truth. I'm so disappointed in Lois Lane right now. Luckily it's just New 52 Earth-2 Lois Lane! I bet on Earth-2, Vicki Vale wins all the Pulitzers.

Lois Lane brings Wonder Woman into the story and instead of mentioning Diana's history or her abilities or how she'd like future generations to remember her, she just explains how Superman felt about her. "Oh, she was hot and shit but so old! And I couldn't have sex with her! She was barely even human! I mean, sure, I'm less human than she is. But I feel more human than I believe she is! So that's a thing, right?"

Batman and Wonder Woman are busy forging a sword out of kryptonite. Is that possible? I always thought kryptonite was just rock not some kind of metallic ore. Wasn't kryptonite just unsold Pet Rocks painted green?

Batman believes the gods of Apokolips must be Kryptonians since they're the only aliens to have ever visited Earth. Since he's obviously wrong, he must lose the sword in the coming battle. I hope it pops up in Lex Luthor's possession over on Earth-New-Earth in the future.

Appearing on the local news is not your fifteen minutes of fame. Nor is it your fourteen minutes of fame! Or thirteen, even! It's possibly negative fame! Seriously! Stop encouraging local news reporters! If you get excited about being on their stupid news program, just imagine how fucking important they must think they are! They're fucking loser nobodies who talk over internet cat videos while saying, "Look at that!" and "Watch this part!" and "Did you see that?" We know how to look at things with our eyes, assholes.

This jerk stabs Lois in the chest with a letter opener and I feel a little bit guilty. I know she's a lousy television news reporter but I didn't mean for you to kill her, weirdo!

While Lois bleeds out, Batman and Wonder Woman battle Intri of Apokolips in the Batcave and Superman races back to Metropolis to look failure square in the eye.

I guess the kryptonite sword worked. It's a wonder metal! Er, rock? Substance!

Superman makes it to Lois's side in time for her last living, non-robotic memory to be him holding her. Intri's last memory is exploding in the Batcave thinking that at least she's dying in beautiful heels.

Then there's an epilogue that mentions Neil Gaiman's Death and some other less important stuff. And then it's over forever.

Worlds' Finest #32 Rating: No change. DC Comics really fucked up by taking this series away from Power Girl and The Huntress. At least then, it was about something and it was entertaining and it showcased a great friendship. The series since then has just been another Earth-2/World's End footnote. It was completely unnecessary. And Power Girl and The Huntress were just thrown into the thick of World's End and Earth-2 where they just became minor characters in a story that had no tension. The ending was already predetermined and the book had enough characters already. What a fiasco. I have yet to drop any of DC Comics regular titles but I probably should have dropped this one as soon as the dropped Power Girl and The Huntress from the cover.

Worlds' Finest #31

What happened to Wonder Woman and her Pegasus? Was that just a dream I had? Oh wait. It was a Greg Pak story so I was probably forced to forget it for future plot reasons.

Currently in Worlds' Finest, we're all learning the secret history of Superman and Batman. Because if there are two characters in the DC Universe that nobody knows much about, it's these two guys. How did they become the men they became?! Where did their super powers come from? What were their childhoods like? Nobody knows! It's secret history that has seemingly never been explored in the last seventy five plus years of Batman and Superman's existence. So far we've learned that Batman's parents were murdered and Superman grew up on a farm. These events formed the foundation for their philosophical beliefs! Batman decided nobody should ever be the victim of crime ever again. Superman learned that platitudes only really work on a farm where your neighbors are many acres removed from your solitary existence and things get a little bit more complicated when you move out of your elderly parents' home and into the big city where you can finally fuck a girl in your room without your mother constantly reminding you to keep the door open when you have female guests in the house which totally kills a boner.

This is the second time this month that Lois worried about how she was going to report on the end of the world. I don't think people are going to need a reporter to tell them about the apocalypse, Lois.

Luckily for Lois, this current catastrophe was just the start of the first war with Apokolips and she'll have plenty of war stories to report on for years to come. Too bad I think Lois Lane is one of the first people killed in the war, so I guess I shouldn't have begun the last sentence with "luckily for Lois."

As satellites came crashing down on city after city, Superman tried saving as many days as possible. And while Superman tried to save the world from being destroyed by its own satellites, Lois Lane bothered emergency workers with hard-hitting questions!

All the communication satellites have come crashing down to Earth, so Lois can't fact check that thing about oceans and deserts. But she's fairly certain that she thinks she once heard something about the Earth being less city and more ocean and desert. Maybe?

Superman can't save everybody in Metropolis but Batman flies in to help! I guess Batman just looked at Gotham, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Fuck it. I'm helping a city that deserves to be saved." Or maybe he already saved everybody! He is The Batman, after all. Greatest super hero in the DC Universe! Just ask DC's accountants!

Batman left Gotham in the paws of his wife and the claws of his daughter, Catwoman and Robin! According to Lois Lane, Gotham hadn't been hit as hard. But even if that were true, I think the criminals of Gotham would take advantage and turn the city into a burning mass of suddenly empty stores. While all the citizens of Metropolis act heroically, the citizens of Gotham would just murder, loot, kill, and take advantage of the situation. Gothamites are bastards!

This cliche spouting bore is the greatest journalist on Earth?

I shouldn't be so hard on Lois Lane's narration of the secret history of her lover and his best friend. She's a robot now. Her language center was probably programmed by a non-poetic mathematician. When she was alive, she probably wrote florid descriptions of the most mundane news items, elevating them to compelling stories that kept people coming back to her blog day after day. But now she's a robot trying to form elegant thoughts from a sorely lacking database of common and ordinary words. Kind of like my brain!

Supergirl helps save Gotham but she's not allowed to stop and pose for pictures. Her name is Supergirl. She came to Earth from seemingly nowhere to become a living weapon and also a secret. But soon she'd become Robin's best friend. I bet that friendship would have made a really fun comic book!

No it's not! Will you people stop being so excited about appearing on shitty local television stations?! You're only feeding the monster!

When I was fifteen and didn't know any better, I appeared on a local news segment about one of those make your own video shops that were popular in malls in the mid to late eighties. A couple friends and I would hang around the place talking to the two women who ran it. We would basically loiter until they grew so bored because no paying customers were coming in that they'd let us film a video for free. If I ever decide that my dignity has become absolutely valueless (I'm not quite there yet!), I might have to digitize some of the videos and post them. Although that really seems like the kind of thing you threaten to do to somebody unless they pay you a lot of money. Maybe one of my cohorts from back then will pay to keep them off of the internet!

Intri shows up to beat the crap out of Supergirl and to show off her cool heels a little bit more. I think she's the main reason this history is secret! Because for some reason, she keeps showing up in Superman's life over and over again. I think she has a crush on him.

After the satellites had stopped falling, Batman decided to break into Terry Sloan's house, knock the teeth out of Terry Sloan's paid guards who are just trying to do their jobs, and steal Sloan's Kryptonite. So what makes Batman any different than one of the fucking villains he's always trying to stop?! Sloan may seem like a dick but does that mean he should have his property stolen? Does that mean the men that work security at his home should be disfigured?! Even Earth-2 Batman is an asshole!

Lois and her big scoop enter the crumbling Daily Planet building because that's where her webcam is located. If only Jimmy Olsen had gone into photography on Earth-2 instead of gay porn, Lois Lane's life could have been saved that day. Instead, she had to rely on her own equipment and technology to film her interview with Lustig. But that story will have to be concluded next issue.

Worlds' Finest #31 Rating: No change. I've read hundreds, maybe thousands of boring comic books over the years. I just mention my qualifications to say that this comic book isn't exactly boring. It feels unnecessary but it's not quite boring. When I'm reading it, I get a vague sense of entertainment. The art has that slightly odd, almost bad style that I actually quite enjoy. Maybe knowing that just about everybody in it is going to die fills me with warm fuzzies as well. What I'm trying to say is I won't miss this book when it's over next month but I don't mind sitting down and spending a little time with it until then.

Batman Eternal #42

Bluebird's identity is easier to figure out than Superman's.

Last issue was disgusting and we shan't talk about it any longer. Because it was full of semen! At least my issue was.

Harper Row has donned her sidekick costume because she needs to save all of the other sidekicks from The Mad Hatter's treachery! The exclamation point at the end of that sentence tells you how exciting last issue was and that if you missed it, you should feel empty inside. Now Harper is running across the rooftops like a Batkid. She's got what it takes to save the day! The skills (kind of)! The intelligence (her best attribute after her butt!)! The know-how!

Okay, maybe not the know-how. You're supposed to crash through that, stupid!

Harper has built a suit that repels nanobots. She's going to be rich! Every hero in the DC Universe except for Hawkman who currently wants to fuck a woman filled with nanobots will want to buy one! But instead of going on the Shark Tank to be scammed by multimillionaire scammers, she's going to use it herself and save the day. Or save the Batkids' day, anyway. I think there is too much day to be saved in Batman Eternal for a newly minted, wet behind the ears sidekick.

Meanwhile Spoiler wakes up in a strange room without her Spoiler costume. It took me literally eighteen years to figure out who she was without her costume on. And don't get excited thinking she was all tits and vagina swinging all over the room. She was wearing clothes but they weren't her Spoiler costume kind of clothes. Just a tank top and sweats.

Stephanie's mom sent Killshot to recover her and keep her safe before one of the other bounty hunters found her. Ha ha! Killshot! I bet Snyder and all the other guys writing this book had a good laugh about using him as the bounty hunter. What a stupid fucking name! The only way it could have been dumber is if they had used White Rabbit!

That's obviously a threat. From my experience, mothers are awful people! I hope my mother doesn't know about this blog!

Meanwhile Harper is completely fucking up her rescue attempt. She falls on her butt. Then she falls on her butt again. Then she gets the attention of The Mad Hatter. Then she shows her butt and it's definitely sidekick worthy.

See? Even Bowl Cut likes it.

By the way, the nanobots still look like semen flying all over the room. Everybody else's semen comes out in thick, glowing ropes, right?

Who else grew up in the 70s and had that Spider-man web making stuff? I know I seem to be a DC Man since I'm reading all the New 52 stuff but I grew up wanting to be Spider-man. I loved the cartoon and I had the Spider-Man Mego and some ship or something. Maybe I just used a ship from some other line of toys and called it the Spider-Ship? Anyway, the Spider-man web stuff came in a little tube that looked just like a crazy glue tube. And you'd squeeze a little out and stick it on a leaf and pull it along while squeezing the tube and stick it on another leaf and presto! Instant one strand of web that looked like a homeless guy just whipped out his half-erect cock and splashed pre-cum all over the bushes. Not that I realized that as a little tyke. But if you want proof that parents weren't uptight fucks in the 70s like they are today, that Spider-man web kit is proof. No parents ever tried to get it pulled off the market because it looked like their child was covered in semen. And they weren't fucking naive either like kids today like to think anybody born pre-1994 was. They probably just raised an eyebrow and looked at each other and laughed and finished off another box of wine. Nowadays, one fucking Playdoh dispenser looks like an erect cock and people go crazy!

Harper tricks The Mad Hatter into thinking she likes him and then she shouts, "Ha ha! Friend zoned!" and she kicks his hat off. Then The Mad Hatter falls down screaming, "I should have listened to the Meninists!"

Oh Harper Row. I would Friend Zone you so fucking hard!

If "Meninist" is a play on "Feminist," shouldn't it be "Menifist"? Or Men-I-Fist, amirite?!

Harper Row destroys The Mad Hatter's gigantic phallus with just a thought and it withers away into nothing. And all the children are free! Hooray! I guess. I kind of liked when they were all in one place and out of the way.

Batman arrives in time to feel like he helped stop Jervis. He discovers that Harper Row is a better detective than he is but only when she's investigating The Mystery of Her Brother's Stupid Butt. In Mad Hatter's pocket, Batman finds another one of the poorly printed invitations to the destruction of Gotham City. Those invitations really are boring. A monk must have designed them. Who does Batman know that's a monk and avoids all frills and bells and whistles and really cute fonts and possibly a little monkey drawn in the corner with a speech bubble saying, "Monkeys like butt secks!"

Harper tells Red Robin that it's been her lifelong dream to be a sidekick, ever since she saved Batman's life with a car battery. But Batman was always, "Blah blah blah!" Which was his long-winded way of saying "No." But now they all have to accept her because she solved the mystery and saved the children! Also, Batman said, "Hm." That's practically a guarantee of sidekickmanship! It wasn't like he said "-tt-"! That would have been bad!

And then Selina arrives at Stephanie's mom's house and captures her. The story is almost up to the preview story from a year ago!

Batman Eternal #42 Rating: No change. Doesn't this have to be over in ten weeks? Am I wrong about that? Shouldn't it only be a one year story?! I'm getting nervous! I've also figured out who the big bad villain is! It's Alfred! He probably printed up the invites on the shitty little dot matrix printer in his tiny little room in Arkham Manor because Alfred isn't allowed to use the Batcomputer for his own personal projects. Which might also be part of the motive for wanting to tear Batman down.

Worlds' Finest #30

Intri just looks mildly annoyed. Like her jello mold didn't turn out, and Batman arrived before she could get the cucumber sandwiches plated, and Superman broke her "massager".

Ever since this comic book stopped being about Super Friendship, it became super terrible. I would say, "Who needed another Superman and Batman title?", but I already know the answer to that. Apparently the fans that actually pay for DC Comic Books pay for comic books starring Batman. Boring fucks. Stop supporting Batman over everybody else! He isn't that fucking interesting.

You know who's interesting? Power Girl's boobs! I mean, Power Girl! And The Huntress! And their friendship! And how they go on adventures and support each other and eat ice cream together and talk about how Power Girl fucks lots of guys while The Huntress side-eyes all of Power Girl's life choices! And now they're not in this comic book anymore! And probably just before the story where Power Girl's water went out and the city was demanding that everybody conserve water so she had to go shower with The Huntress! Now that story line is probably going to be used for Batman and Superman! Nice going, comic book fans that didn't support the Super Best Friends! Now I'm going to have to deal with the emotional confusion of getting an erection while looking at Clark and Bruce soap each other up!

I'll settle for these two showering together! I promise I won't be looking at Robin's underage fiddly bits! Not when Catwoman's are flapping all over the shower!

Catwoman and Robin steal a Segway from a guard on the docks and then I make an Arrested Development joke and create new lyrics to The Final Countdown. It's super hilarious, you guys!

Selina and Helena are out trying to rescue some women being held in a shipping container to be sold to slavers. It's the worst plot a comic book could use because how am I supposed to make jokes about human trafficking?

How many sex slaves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One but you have to break dozens of international laws and be a complete immoral bastard simply for a little bit of light.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Sex slave!
Sex slave who?!
Ha ha! I am not a sex slave at all! I am a federal agent in disguise! Now get on your knees, you filthy pig and international criminal and the worst piece of filth on Earth! You are lucky I do not put a bullet in your head! It's more than you deserve!

While Catwoman and Robin fall into the trap set for them, Terry Sloan tells his butler, "Ha ha! I am smart!" Then the scene shifts to Clark and Lois's place.

Kryptonite must come into play during Clark and Lois's fuck sessions or how else would Clark even feel anything? Maybe Lois wears a diaphragm made from a red sun?

Back on the docks, Batman comes to Catwoman and Robin's rescue because women, right?! Batman simply shows his face and the gangsters who trapped his family all activate the Semtex hidden in their teeth. Or maybe their teeth were made from Semtex so when they were scared and their teeth chattered, they'd blow up. It's a perfect plan! I mean, a perfect alternate plan for when your imperfect plan fails.

Later or something, Terry Sloan introduces Superman to Kryptonite. But only because Superman didn't remember being introduced to Kryptonite by Earth-Main-Earth Batman back in Batman Loves Superman, the Early Issues. During the festivities, Intri shows up because why not? The story was just getting interesting so let's snooze it up a bunch by letting Ms. Snoozefest show up.

Either her beehive hairdo is off-kilter or she ran out of the salon without removing the hair dryer. Or she has an actual beehive on her head!

Intri, once again, tries to get Superman to come with her to Apokolips because she's so Goddamned thirsty. But Superman says, "No!", and Batman says, "Yeah! I mean, no as well but yeah to agreeing with my friend!"

See, on Earth-2, Superman and Batman are friends. I know it's confusing!

Intri does have some great fucking heels though.

Remember how in that movie Explorers, the idiotic alien beings were fascinated by I Love Lucy and other old shows? In like sixty years, I'm going to make a movie where we're visited by a race of aliens whose culture was highly influenced by Dish Network signals of Mad Men! The most unbelievable plot point is that aliens were able to pick up a Dish Network signal without a Dish Network representative arriving on the alien planet and spending two hours every day for five weeks carefully trying to position the receiver so it could get a signal.

Is Intri's name supposed to have a connection of some sort to the sign nailed into the crucifix above Jesus's head? Is she King of the Jews? Where is her kingdom? Look at me? Am I a Jew?

While Superman lies around like a lazy bastard pretending that Kryptonite hurts him (he's such a faker baby!), Batman forces both Intri and Sloan to back down. Why does Earth even need more than one superhero? And by that one superhero, I am, of course, speaking of Björk. I mean Batman.

Intri winds up back on Apokolips without Superman and Sloan winds up back in his love nest with his lover Aadarash, his new pet rock, and his new prisoner, Val-el. And that's the last of that issue!

Worlds' Fines #30 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than the other issues for inexplicable reasons. Maybe I was just in a better mood. Or maybe I actually enjoyed the art which probably wasn't to a lot of people's tastes but reminded me a bit of Crumb's work with a bit more polish and spit. And less semen and nipples.

Worlds' Finest #29

I'm trying to think up a caption for this cover but I can't stop eating banana pudding.

This must be the easiest gig of Paul Levitz entire life! Rehash the Batman and Superman origin stories in a way that doesn't mess up current continuity. Although it's the secret origin of the Earth-2 Batman and Superman, so who cares. They're less important in The New 52 since they weren't the historical, Golden Age versions that established the entire genre of the super hero story. And they're far, far less interesting than this banana pudding is delicious.

My job at Christmas Dinner tonight was to peel potatoes and then to finish seasoning the potatoes once they were mashed and nearly ready to go. After that, I shaped them into Devil's Tower and served them. There were some people at the table that didn't know what Devil's Tower was. I no longer speak to them. Because they're dead. I killed them.

I really can't put this pudding down! I keep setting down the bowl and reaching for the comic book but wind up with the pudding back in my hands! It might be cursed!

Okay! That's finished. Now I can concentrate!

Maybe I should wash the bowl out and get some water first! The comic book can wait!

This thug just can't believe how tightly that leather is clinging to Catwoman's anal sphincter.

Batman has chased Catwoman all the way to Metropolis to lecture her about engaging in criminal behavior. He doesn't think she should do it because he wants to have sex with her but doesn't think he should be having sex with a criminal. Technically, Batman is also a criminal so he really shouldn't care. But he only thinks Catwoman should break laws in the same way that he breaks the laws which is better. For some reason.

Superman was currently meeting Wonder Woman after he crashed on Paradise Island due to an exploding satellite which caused him pain "for the first time in his life." That's always a good way to explain to the reader that Superman is facing a threat equal to his powers. Usually he says something like, "That actually hurt!" or "Did you have to use three fingers?!"

Wonder Woman says, "Get the fuck out," and Superman says, "How high?"

Superman leaves Wonder Woman and the Amazons to play with their new toy from Apokolips and heads back to Metropolis where he finds Catwoman toying with Batman.

Superman just got showed up by a woman so the next one he meets, he treats like a child.

Batman and Catwoman flirt a little bit more before Catwoman heads back to Gotham with her jewels she retrieved from the terrorists. She also calls Batman "Mister Wayne," so I hope Lois Lane wasn't snooping around nearby!

The New God that wanted Superman as a baby and then as a child arrives to tell Superman he's been making poor choices. The only good choice is to team up with the New Gods. But he won't! Even if they kill him, he won't...well, actually, after they kill him, he does kind of team up with them. So I guess he'll team up with them over his dead body.

Why does the DC Universe have to have some overarching super villain hellbent on destroying everything? Did somebody tell the editors at DC that all of the monthly stories are more exciting if they have a framing story that's a battle for the fate of the universe? Before the New Gods happened along, it seemed like DC was going to make the Daemonites the world threat that everybody had to continually be on the look out against. But Helspont just couldn't cut the mustard and he was replaced by the looming threat of Apokolips. Although that story also needs a framing story because things always have to be able to get worse! And that's why the Anti-Monitor made an appearance at the end of Forever Evil!

All of these stories that have been erased from a character's mind are just as bad as the shitty "let's all save one future timeline" time travel stories.

Worlds' Finest #29 Rating: No change. Here's a suggestion! If you can't have a character remember a story you put them in, don't even bother writing the fucking story! Jesus fucked. Let the characters remember shit even if you have to listen to a thousand fanboygirls screaming, "Why didn't Superman remember that in Issue #13 when he did that thing to that person that he'd met when he was younger! Why didn't Superman say anything about the first encounter, hunh?! Hunh?! Answer me that or else I'm going to continue to scream and point out your errors like a total dickhead!"

Shut up. That last comment did not resemble me.

Worlds' Finest #28

Doesn't this title already exist? Batman Loves Superman? I'm confused. Why was this needed?

I think this is going to be a cross between a Horatio Alger story and an adolescent male porn fantasy. I don't care how scary the shadowy person approaching them is. If I were young Bruce or Dick, that's not what I'd be looking at. Judging by the way Wonder Woman's skirt material is hanging, and her slightly forward leaning posture, they can see everything!

While reading this comic book, I'm going to try not to keep thinking, "I wonder what Helena and Karen are doing right now?"

This issue is called "The Secret History of Superman & Batman, Part Two: Presentiments." It begins with an Oracle on Paradise Island telling Wonder Woman what her agency will be. "You have no motivations or desires, girl! You will save some young boys so that they can save the future, ya git me?" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yes sir! I mean mam! Right away!"

Why are the Amazons so into snakes? ...oh! I get it! Hee hee.

Wonder Woman learns that she gave up any chance to help the world because she fucked a man. But she can still help the world like I said would happen earlier before I even read that that was what was going to happen: she can help protect the males who will be the ones to save the world! That'll teach Wonder Woman to think twice the next time she straddles a sexy man named after a Herman Hesse novel who wields a vibro axe!

And hopefully this will teach all of the young women reading this comic book too! See how having sex with a man can completely destroy your future and invalidate your entire being? So don't do it! Don't fuck men who aren't your dads! I mean, don't fuck your dads either because that's gross. It's also gross that fathers think so often about their daughters fucking guys. That is gross, right? Who looks at a little infant girl and thinks, "Some day, you'll be filled with another man's semen and completely ruined and I'll always look at you differently after that, my sweet, baby girl"? I guess the same types of fathers who look at an infant boy and think, "You'll be tearing up that pussy in no time, big man!"

Hermes heard that Wonder Woman puts out, so he thought it would be a good idea to get naked and kidnap her.

So far, this is way better than a comic book about female friendship! It's teaching women important lessons about keeping their beautiful, pure vaginas safe from the lurid evil of misbegotten men and their slavering penises!

Tornado Lane (remember, she's narrating all of this for some reason!) remembers a time when Bruce remembered a time when he visited the zoo with his father as Frankie Falcone (or one of his thugs, more probably. I can't tell! All the bad guys on Earth-2 look like swingers!) stalked them. I'm not sure how Tornado Lane remembers the part of the remembrance where Frankie was watching from a distance and smoking a cigarette. Maybe that was just part of Batman's description of the memory: "I suppose, judging from how Frankie almost sodomized me in the darkness of that fell bestiary, that he had been lurking around the zoo, behind cotton candy carts, ducking behind ornamental shrubbery, skulking just unseen at the edges of my peripheral vision behind glossy Mylar balloons and screaming children."

Oh, gee. Bats in an early story of Bruce's formative years. How exciting. Also, I don't think I ever used the word 'beautiful' as a child. Or as an adult. Although, if little Bruce here were me, I probably would have described the bats as 'macabre' or 'cutesie wootsie.'

As Thomas and Bruce Wayne exit the darkness, they're set upon by the guy that had been stalking them! Which was probably not Frankie because why would Frankie threaten Bruce and then attack him in broad daylight himself?

But look at the size of this guy's cock! Holy moley!

Meanwhile in Smallville, Clark Kent learns about Stranger Danger when two grown women begin battling over him. Wait. I didn't mean Stranger Danger. I meant boners. He learned about boners.

Now I can't scan any pictures of Clark in this story or you'll be disturbed that I talked about a boy his age getting an erection. Just picture him being about twelve. Although if he was twelve and he was just learning about boners, he might have a deficiency in his Kryptonian Testosterone.

Next, Lois Lane remembers a memory that she can't remember but she remembers she loves flying. So that's probably good enough to explain how her consciousness survives inside of a robot body.

Really though. Was anybody really concerned about the scientific aspects of Lois Lane's ego inside the body of a robot? I mean, we're all comic book readers here, right?

I'm so happy we're learning all the answers nobody was clamoring for to all of the questions that nobody was asking! It isn't a waste of a comic book title at all! Helena and Karen who?!

Wonder Woman saves Clark and then is whisked away by Hermes to save Bruce. What else does she have to do? If she wasn't put on these missions, she'd probably go back to fucking the enemy. But before Wonder Woman arrives, Bruce saves his father from a bullet in the head.

No wonder Bruce was so racked by guilt over his parents' death. He had the capacity to save them within himself the entire time!

So Wonder Woman saves Bruce as well. But this is the secret history of Bruce and Clark! So that means that Bruce and Clark must forget what just happened! And they do! But Lois Lane remembers because fuck you.

Worlds' Finest #28 Rating: DC Comics ruined this comic book. Fuck Batman and Superman. They have plenty of titles between them. And fuck this "secret history" bullshit! We don't need retcons or additions to origin stories that we already know backwards and forwards. Especially origin stories of the Earth-2 versions of these characters! You know what? I can't believe I'm going to say this but you know what? I'd rather read Aquaman and the Others!

Worlds' Finest #27

Yay! Just what DC's fans have been clamoring for! Another comic book starring Batman and Superman!

Do I really care about the secret history of Earth-2? Maybe if it's all the blood of Charlemagne lizard people and rampant chupacabras, sure! But if it's "Thomas Wayne didn't die in that alley!" and "Superman wasn't the only Superbaby!", I'm not so sure I'm interested. Why can't this be a Man-Thing/Howard the Duck team up?

Hey Marvel and DC! Get your stupid act together and realize that you should be publishing one monthly comic book that mixes your stupid universes. Just tell the lawyers to fuck off and stop trying to stifle everybody's fun. If you have to, just publish it with characters with slightly different names followed by "wink wink" in parentheses. So you'd have Badgerine (wink wink!) and Uberman (wink wink) and Amazing Woman (wink wink plus a nudge nudge) and Arachnid-dude (wink wink) and The Ostentatious Ignoramus (you know, the Hulk! Wink wink!). What's wrong with Marvel and DC? Do they hate money?

This issue begins with Tornado Lane believing that Earth-2 is so fucking special that all of its history and art and knowledge and sexual positions need to be recorded and preserved so that maybe, sometime in the far future when nobody will give a shit about ancient happenings, a society will take up her digital recordings and say, "How am I supposed to access this data in this antiquated storage device?" No wait. What Lois hopes will happen is that they will "rebuild their world if possible." Who is going to want to rebuild an ancient world that doesn't fucking matter anymore? I think the future will be more interested in naked selfies of your robot circuitry than the history of Batman and Superman. So come on, Lois! Remove the metal carapace and show me your chips!

Tornado Lane begins her historical account with the early years of Clark Kent. Who's that? Perhaps she should begin by telling the future that he was Superman! She's assuming her audience knows an awful lot.

"Know this, Future Generations: Superman's father was a huge failure."

While little baby Clark was rocketing to Earth filling his space capsule with loads of green baby turds, Thomas Wayne was busy telling Frankie Falcone that he and Martha are done attending his key parties. But he's Frankie Falcone, baby! If he wants to fuck something, he's going to fuck it! Nobody says "Get your dick out of my face!" to Frankie Falcone! Well, nobody but Thomas Wayne. But he would pay for that transgression! In an alley! Behind a theater! After watching The Mask of Zorro! Um, probably. It happens like that on every Earth, right?

Since Thomas won't play pee-pee games with Falcone anymore, Falcone needs a favor from Thomas Wayne so that Frankie can find someone that can't say no to his fat dick.

Oh yeah. Frankie's gonna get himself a gay baby!

Meanwhile on Krypton, Intri of Apokolips arrives to make Jor-el an offer he'll probably refuse because it's probably about his baby and Darkseid's cock.

There's an awful lot of infant pedophilia happening so far in the secret history of Earth-2.

I'm getting the feeling that Tornado Lane isn't recording the secret history of Earth-2. I think she's just writing her own wank book. A filthy, disgusting, immoral wank book that I completely and totally don't approve of at all! Except I have to admit that it should be published because I'm against censorship even if the material that is being censored involves people having sex with infants. I, for one, would never create horrible material like that! Can you even imagine reading something so ethically disgusting? Baby Alan Scott lying in the crib with a come hither giggle, naked, drooling, and seductive lying in its own filth, while a man...Ugh! So gross! How dare you, Tornado Lane, put those thoughts in anybody's mind! Shame on you, Lois! Shame!

Anyway, Jor-el sends Clark, Kara, Val, and a mystery baby away from Krypton so they could avoid dying and/or being molested.

Yeah! Although the children are being sent to the world with that other monster, Frankie Falcone, on it. So they still might wind up with severe trauma.

Thomas beats down Frankie Falcone which may or may not come back to haunt him later. I guess it depends on whether or not the mugger that kills his wife was a random mugging or a hit put out by Frankie. Will Tornado Lane uncover the truth to that story? You know what? I don't really fucking care. Why am I, once again, rereading Batman and Superman origin stories?! I've had it to the end of my cock with these fucking stories no matter what kind of twist DC puts on them! And I'm talking about my erect cock and not my flaccid cock! So that's like a whole bunch of more inches or centimeters or something worth of exhausted with these stories! Batman and Superman are so over!

Worlds' Finest #27 Rating: -4 Ranking. DC Comics has done a disservice to this title by losing the story of female friendship that had shaped it up until this point. I'm really not interested in a story about Earth-2 Superman and Batman! We already know the end of that story! They die! Oh, sure. Maybe it'll wind up being entertaining and interesting how all the Soon To Be Justice Society Babies' lives will be intricately tied up with one another. But it had better get really interesting really quickly or I'm going to rant and rave and lose my mind every time I have to read this stupid fucking comic book! Or forget making Earth-2's Super Babies interesting and just give me back Huntress and Power Girl, you jerks!