Futures End #30

Shark! I mean, Despero! I mean, OMAC!

I sometimes wonder, "How come more people aren't reading this blog?" And then I look at how many people are actually reading this blog and I think, "Why the fuck are so many people reading this blog?" Then I get self-conscious and begin thinking about some kind of profound bullshit about which I can wax philosophic that allows me to throw in as many references to the crazy sex I have had throughout my life. I mean, crazy sex. Tons and tons of it. With attractive people even! Most of them human females! But then I think about how often I read the most trite, boring, obvious posts about life that have hundreds of thousands of notes and I think, "So! That's what people find entertaining: loads and loads of crap!" Which brings me back to my first thought: "How come more people aren't reading this blog?"

The main issue with the branding of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea (other than the name and the way I arrogantly refer to myself as a 'Grandmaster Comic Book Reader') is that it isn't focused enough. I should probably come up with a better theme than "Scott Lobdell and Ann Nocenti are the worst writers to ever find a job in writing." It's hard to make a living sucking up to people that love to hate other people! I constantly feel like the painting of Jesus hanging over my marital bed is judging me. "Kindness is the key," he seems to whisper as I shove my dick into another sock. "Kindness is overrated!" I grunt back as I flail like a sea lion in the tide of my sheets.

That image of me masturbating is free to use in any of your most low rent, desperate fantasies! Enjoy!

I don't actually have a painting of Jesus over my bed (also my bed is not marital). But my grandparents did! Is that creepy and kind of gross? What were they thinking?!

Lois Lane can't tell that Clark Kent is just Superman with glasses but she looks at Red Tornado and instantly realizes the robot is a version of herself? From where I'm sitting (in Portland in a chair reading this comic book, if you must know), I don't see any resemblance between them at all! Red Tornado might as well be wearing glasses.

Lois Lane did have a vision earlier in this series where she realized a robot that looked like this had been created from her doppelganger, so I actually do understand why she recognizes herself. But understanding the comics as I'm reading them isn't entertaining for anybody! My entire commentary would be, "I am comprehending this story as well as could be expected of somebody that took speech therapy classes through first and second grade and, during that time, thought of his speech therapy teacher (an elderly man) as his best friend."

Green Arrow and his army consisting of Big Barda, Katana, and a bunch of other people that don't need to be mentioned because I already mentioned the two people that will be doing most of the actual fighting storm Cadmus Island only to have their plans wrecked by Hawkcop in about three seconds.

Let me guess: Keith Giffen wrote the dialogue for this page?

The OMACs storm the beach along with a bunch of possessed Twofers. Green Arrow's Plan A was to sneak onto the island and shoot one EMP arrow at Cadmus which would have shut down Brother Eye. When that single arrow that was the entirety of Green Arrow's plan is destroyed by Hawkcop, it's time to move on to Plan B!

I knew it! I knew that was the entire plan all along! That EMP arrow was just a bullshit ploy to make it seem like an archer might possibly be useful! But Ollie knew all along the only person worth a damn in this Arrow Army was Big Barda! And maybe Katana.

Oliver, Red Arrow, and Barda head into the jungle to find a Brother Eye terminal for Barda to punch while the other Outsiders remain on the beach to battle the OMACs which merge into one gigantic OMAC. I don't know if that makes them any more dangerous than they already are as dozens of individual units but I guess it's impressive? Or at least very comic booky?

On their way to disable Brother Eye (or at least break one of his monitors (or unplug a few of his servers (or confront him and then sit and cry and curse the cloud))), Oliver and the others run into Slade Wilson. Usually that would mean they're screwed but then Slade Wilson runs into Mister Miracle and Fury. Pay close attention to the "Fury" part of that sentence.

Finally! Somebody died! Now don't let up, Futures End! Let the bloodbath begin!

Which part of Slade's body houses his healing factor? I bet it's in his spine! And if enough of his spine has been left dangling out of the back of his skull, maybe both halves of Slade Wilson will regenerate!

Ollie? I thought Red Arrow was Connor Hawke? Um, anyway, take care to not get stepped on by the gigantic OMAC on your way to the boats!

I know Green Arrow referred to Red Arrow as his doppelganger earlier in this series but my memory is trying to tell me that Red Arrow was Connor Hawke over in Earth-2. But my memory is a notorious liar.

It turns out Power Girl is guarding Brother Eye. Okay then. Plan B through the rest of the alphabet can probably just go straight in the trash. Unless one of those plans was "Run like fuck." That would be a good plan to use now. Although Green Arrow has one more plan in his quiver: Plan I Always Keep This One Arrow On Hand Just For The Yucks.

Has a computer system ever been designed that actually had a big red off button?

The big red button shuts down everybody on the island except Power Girl because Brother Eye decided she had the best framework for housing his system.

While Big Barda beats the crap out of Power Girl, everybody else escapes the island on their Zodiac. Except Red Tornado. And the OMACs. And a bunch of normal scientists and other workers. Then the island blows up.

Notice how I didn't add Brother Eye to the list of people that didn't escape? He hitches a ride back on Lois Lane's cell phone. She is more trouble than she is worth without Superman to keep an eye on her!

Futures End #30 Rating: Finally somebody died! Two people died! No, three people died! Wait! Holy shit! Four people died: Tornado Lane, Power Girl, Big Barda, and Deathstroke! Hopefully the deaths just keep coming now! Ronnie last issue and now this massacre in this issue? This is more like it!

Batman Loves Superman #12

When did Batman become Ursula?

Tonight is the Fourth of July and I'm wondering, "Should I care?" I mean, I don't mind feeling however it is I happen to feel (which is not bothered by it at all in any way). I'm just wondering what people's arguments would be to try to get me to care when I don't. I suppose those who love it either have some kind of sympathetic, childish attachment to the United States of America or they just love blowing things up. I think patriotism and faith belong in the same rubbish tip. They're basically the same thing. They're attributes that people believe are noble and they're proud to exhibit the traits. But they're far more dangerous than beneficial because they tend to feed differences and breed fear. If you believe patriotism is a good thing then you are, in a roundabout way, defending the World War II German citizens tacit support of Hitler's abominable acts. If you believe faith is a good thing, you sympathize with the passion of those who destroyed the World Trade Centers. I know, I know. Madmen were behind those horrors! But the acts were fueled by tending the patriotism and faith of those who committed them which is done through propaganda and inculcation. I suppose one might feel patriotism seems good if you're a level-headed American and faith is good if you're an upstanding Christian. But anybody exhibiting those traits in an extremely passionate and vehement way are assholes and wrong! Well, actually, I'd agree with you about the anybody else exhibiting those traits extremely passionately and vehemently are assholes and wrong! But I'd just lump the level-headed Americans and upstanding Christians into the same pile because you still just have people acting upon irrational beliefs that are only learned through propaganda and constant repetition. You love your country because you were randomly born within it. And you love your god almost exclusively because its the god your parents loved or its the god most people of your community love. You have to realize that if you were born in another country or under the influence of another religion, you'd think differently than you currently do. You absolutely wouldn't question things and somehow discover Jesus and love America. To think that you would is simply lying to yourself.

Here's the big problem with what I just said from my side of things! Instead of reading the previous paragraph and realizing I'm just expressing a personal argument against faith and patriotism (and a slight, barely supported argument at best! Fuck I'm lazy!), my guess is that most people against what I've said will view my words as a condemnation of people's actions and the belief that those actions should not be allowed. If somebody inferred that from my previous statement, that somebody would be wrong. Go ahead and worship and believe in any of the various gods that people believe in. Support your government wholeheartedly and without question. Do and act however you want! But realize that I can look at what you're doing and think, "Twat." You can act like you're better than me because you believe passionately in something and you have a flag on your lawn and Jesus loves you, and I can act like I'm better than you because I don't fall for twaddle and nonsense. You also have the right to believe I believe in twaddle and nonsense as an atheist and a Situational Individualist. But then I reserve the right to believe you're an uneducated buffoon! Then you can believe that I'm a pretentious, conceited asshole! And I'll believe that ... well, you're probably right on that one. I guess we can agree on some things!

Anyway, Happy 4th of July, America! It could be happier though. I loved the 4th of July as I was growing up because pretty much anything was allowed and every year there were new types of fireworks that created different displays and did crazy shit. At some point though, you've seen every single way to blow something up or to shoot fireballs into the air and it gets a bit old. That's the age when you discover blowing up M-80s in trash cans can make you deaf for a good ten to twenty minutes! Also, fireballs from roman candles make for a fun and exciting game of tag. But eventually, most fireworks were banned in most places (especially on the west coast since, you know, lots and lots of trees) and the fireworks that were left were incredibly dull. The 4th of July does get a resurgence of excitement once you begin drinking though! But even that eventually wears off and then it's just a noisy night that frightens people's pets and grandparents. Maybe we should start a new tradition? Since it's the country's birthday, how about firing cake out of cannons into crowds of spectators? Holy shit! I'd partake of that! Also, if that were a church service, I might believe in your cake cannon God.

I feel sorry for the people that stopped reading me forever before they got to the cake cannon! They're missing out on a brilliant idea!

This issue begins with Batman and Superman finally remembering Issue #1-4 of this same series when they traveled to Earth 2 and saw that Wonder Woman rode a Pegasus. They also remember who caused it all: Kaiyo, Darkseid's jester.

I think Kaiyo wants Darkseid to be defeated, right? So she should be here to help Batman and Superman with whatever they need.

Kaiyo confirms that she was hoping they'd drive off Darkseid so that she could hide out on Earth. But now, in the time honored traditions of Batmite (unless it's Bat-mite with the dash) and Mr. Mxyzptlk (unless it's spelled differently although that would be a different character altogether, wouldn't it?), Kaiyo is going to fuck around with Batman and Superman's lives. She's going to give each of them a chance to change their past. I don't know exactly what they want to change but she insists that's what they wished. I just thought they wanted to travel to Earth 2 to help in the present.

But when Superman and Batman arrive on Earth 2, they're just phantoms, unable to affect anything. And even if it's possible, Batman convinces Superman to merely watch as Earth 2 Superman saves his parents while Lois is killed in Metropolis. If Batman hadn't stopped Superman, Lois could have lived as New Earth Superman saved Ma and Pa Kent! How do I know this? Because Batman later saves Alfred by turning tangible at precisely the right moment.

Sure, Batman! Convince Superman not to fuck with time paradoxes but shit all over your own arguments and wave your dick in the face of a possible time anomaly.

I guess this is why we haven't seen Alfred over in Earth 2! He was supposed to have been killed by a parademon. But now he's been saved because Kaiyo gave Batman a chance to change the past and he took her up on it! Will Alfred now appear in Earth 2? I hope so!

But now Batman knows what will happen when Superman chooses to change something. Now Superman can be prepared to really do some good! But who will he save? What will he accomplish?! I'd probably try an Earth 2 doughnut.

Superman chooses to save Helena Wayne's life just before she and Kara wind up in a Boom Tube to New Earth.

So Alfred has been alive on Earth 2 this whole time thanks to Batman! Unless he was killed by different parademons a few panels later. No, no way! Batman saved him and now he can appear in Earth 2 like I've been waiting for him to do!

This is the most orderly and elegant version of time travel, the "Whatever Happened, Happened" theory. It's a bit constricting if you want to tell a really wildly fun tale of time travel but it can make for a really great story as well. Timecrimes chooses this route when dealing with time travel and it's a fantastic movie that thoroughly pleased my Time Travel Jones.

Anyway, Kaiyo isn't a huge fan of the decisions Batman and Superman made. She calls them sentimental when what she really wanted was ruthless. So she takes them back to New Earth with a clean slate, whatever that means. I guess I'll find out in Issue #13.

Batman Loves Superman #12 Rating: No change. This was a nice little story that feels like a one shot but is apparently going to continue next issue for some reason. I'm glad that Alfred was shown being saved so that we know he's alive and kicking somewhere on Earth 2. No way Greg Pak would have written that scene if we're just supposed to believe that Alfred is ripped apart by more parademons a few panels later. At least I won't believe that even if he never appears in Earth 2! I'll continue to believe he's still backpacking through Thailand sampling hallucinogenic teas and banging anything that moves.

Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!

Threshold #6

Ember is certainly looking much better.

According to the cover, Ember's head injury wasn't as terminal as the six panels of her lying in the street bleeding out had lead me to believe. That's the last time I allow a comic book death to fool me! I should have realized that unlike Catwoman who is only human and thus definitely dead from her head wound, Ember is an alien that has learned to survive The Hunt and probably has some kind of tricky advanced technology capable of keeping her alive.

But before I find out why Ember is still alive, Jediah Caul has to make his way back to Tolerance. He's currently sitting on a space rock outside of Brainiac's Skull-Jellyfish Hybrid Space Ship feeling sorry for himself because he's about to head back into Tolerance and The Hunted to save whats-her-name. I don't know what her name is because I'm not sure who he's talking about. Stealth? I don't think he's met Stealth yet. Ember? She's dead! But he is with her on the cover! So maybe her! My Raccoon/Kitten Hybrid Alien Crush whose name I've forgotten? Maybe Kit Kat? Was her name Kit Kat? One thing he's definitely not doing is considering rescuing Captain K'rot. Screw that guy!

Oh yeah. He means Ilda, Star Hawkins robot assistant with his ex-wife's personality. I think this comic book has too many characters for my feeble mind to remember them all. Maybe more alcohol would help!

Maybe if I ate breakfast more often, my memory would be better. I seem to remember a commercial where a bunch of kids spun around in circles and then fell over because they weren't eating their breakfasts. So maybe breakfast just helps with spinning around in circles. Boy, if my memory were better maybe I could remember how to make my memory better. Stupid memory. You're a failure!

One thing I do remember is that I kept calling Brainiac "Gigantic Penis" last issue for some reason!

Oh yeah! That was the reason! I guess Ilda and I think alike.

Jediah Caul returns to threaten Brainiac while Ilda has him under her control. But her control doesn't last long enough and Brainiac comes back, breaks Jediah's back paralyzing him from the neck down, and ejects Caul and the Tolerance Collection into space. I guess Tolerance wasn't worth much because what kind of a collector voluntarily gives up a piece of their collection? I've traded Magic the Gathering Cards with people before and they're ruthless bastards! Although I shouldn't say that about all of them. When I first began playing Magic the Gathering, my girlfriend and I were looking through our cards at a laundromat in Santa Clara. Now this was just after The Dark set had been released but we didn't know anything about how Magic sold cards in new sets and new releases. We just had starter decks. Some guy from Santa Clara University was there and saw us and broke out his Magic cards. He realized we were new to the game and was excited to share in our new found wonder of this weird ass game. You need to realize this was, shit, twenty years ago? Something like that. Magic was an odd little new type of game. Now CCGs are fucking everywhere but this was a new and fascinating concept back then. This guy gave us both a Maze of Ith which was pretty generous considering that it was the only Maze of Ith I ever owned even after buying many, many The Dark packs.

Actually that story was a lie! I've never played that nerdy game ever! I also never spent $20 on an Argivian Archaeologist card nor do I even know if that's a thing or not!

Meanwhile on Tolerance, T'morra is speaking with whoever Ember really is via some kind of communication device. Ember was supposed to be keeping an eye on Stealth instead of scaring the shit out of her by getting herself shot in the head while trying to befriend her. Unless T'morra isn't using a communication device at all and Ember is actually the tree inside his headquarters. T'morra tells Ember to respawn and go recover Stealth.

T'morra's conversation is interrupted by Ric Starr, SPACE RANGER! Was every science fiction hero of the Silver Age named Star? I know my proof of theory only includes two people, Ric Starr and Star Hawkins, but isn't that enough? Ric is visiting to inform T'morra that Lonar the New God has joined forces with Blue Beetle.

Oh yeah. Ember is the tree.

And then Jediah Caul returns to Tolerance, destroying Ebon Guard ships live on Glimmernet. Stealth sees the reaction of Tolerance's citizens as they cheer the revolutionary underdog. Or maybe they just like seeing Green Lanterns make things with their green light. Whatever the reason, they're happy and on Caul's side. Stealth begins to believe that T'morra might be right about turning the people against The Hunted program. Lonar and Blue Beetle are also watching Caul's return to Tolerance while working out their own deal.

So will Blue Beetle be done after Threshold? Cured of his parasite? Nah. I bet he simply ends up on the Teen Titans.

Lastly, Star Hawkins sits depressed and drinking in his office having lost Ilda again. Brainiac deleted her before breaking Caul's back although Hawkins doesn't know that part of it. He just knows she never came back from her mission with Jediah Caul. But that's okay because he keeps a back-up flash drive of her personality! He just needs a new robot body for her.

And speaking of Star Hawkins, it looks like he's the back-up feature for this issue! That's good since the cover mentioned he would be. But this is DC Comics and you really can't put your faith in the veracity of the cover. You just pay your money and hope at least the title was right. And in some cases, like Aquaman, even that seems suspect when Aquaman barely even appears in the issue.

Case in point! The cover mentions Kolins as an artist in the issue but he was doing the Larfleeze back-up. The artists of the Star Hawkins back-up are Timothy Green II and Joseph Silver. Green and Silver! It's like a superhero team!

Star Hawkins has been hired by T'morra to find the Legendary First Hunted that has evaded capture since the game began. Turns out she's the woman behind The Crimson Thrust, the best Hunt Club on Tolerance. I suppose that's one way to keep from being captured. And The Crimson Thrust are ready to take Hawkins and Ilda's head to meet her.

Giffen is at his best when he's one or two degrees away from writing Ambush Bug.

Threshold #6 Rating: No change. I actually thought that Threshold would be the comic book that broke the trend of DC's "War Books" getting cancelled immediately. This isn't technically a war book even though it replaced G.I. Combat which replaced Men of War. Those two titles sucked and deserved to be canceled. I felt they took war too seriously which is exactly what a war comic doesn't need to do. They need to take the characters seriously, maybe exaggerate them a bit as fighting men, but then don't put them in normal war situations or modern terrorist battles. Men of War was almost good when they had a moment with Sgt. Rock meeting a super hero, but then it collapsed back into poorly sequenced battles and mundane battle scenes. Then, again, it almost got interesting when Sgt. Rock Junior encountered a group of seeming immortals, greats from battles across time. But there was no follow through and the story didn't go anywhere. G.I. Combat decided to bring back The War Wheel and The Haunted Tank, so it seemed to be trying to play up the outrageous World War II stories. But Nazis are over and done with. They can't continuously be the villainous specters of war until the end of time. I'm pretty sure they keep coming back as the inevitable enemy because they had great uniforms. They really popped!

I think I was going somewhere with this. Oh yeah! Threshold seemed like the non-war war book that could work. It's science fiction and set in deep space, so it was removed enough from the idea of real war to be fun. It has so many different characters that I can't remember them all but most of them (when I know who they are) have an interesting, individual story to tell. This is a book that could have run for a long time. I actually feel the least interesting character though is Jediah Caul, the main character. That might have hurt the book a bit. Maybe they should have lead with his becoming a Green Lantern because that was my favorite bit with him so far. He shot a Green Lantern in the head and the ring popped off the Lantern's finger and chose Caul as the successor. That's got to fuck you up a bit.

And what's going to happen to Captain K'rot? I hope we find out who took his leg before this comic is completely over.

Threshold #5

I've always considered "Brainiac" to be the most egotistical, narcissistic name a villain could choose for himself. Besides maybe Gigantic Penis.

I couldn't think up a more egotistical name than Brainiac that a female superhero could use because Gigantic Vagina doesn't have the same ring to it. Besides, the actual joke is about men and their brains and their penises anyway. So if you're female and you felt left out that I didn't include you in the opening joke, you probably shouldn't worry about it because it was making fun of men. I can make fun of women too but I hate being glared at as if I just broke ground on a concentration camp. So my policy is to never crack jokes* that degrade women**.

*By "jokes", I of course mean ranting, raving phrases placed one after the other in a specific way that amuses myself and maybe three other people.
**Please don't read any of my other commentaries.

On Tolerance, Ember and Stealth are reveling in a quiet, non-pursued moment of introspection and missing-chunk-of-the-city sightseeing. Or is it siteseeing since you're seeing a site (or a non-site in this situation)? Sightseeing seems redundant! I guess a site is just a site until it's been seen and then the person that has seen it declares it a sight to be seen by other sighters.

Oh god. Small Wonder was the most uncomfortably awkward show ever to be poorly written and created for syndication. I blame it and Pippi Longstockings for ruining my Sundays while growing up. Not that I didn't watch Pippi every time I found it on television. The dubbed voices and weird actors creeped me out but I learned how to live from Pippi! Horses in the house? Check! Monkeys in waistcoats with surnames? Check! Candy for breakfast? Check! Chests full of gold dubloons? Well, not yet but I've still got plenty of time! Those are harder to come by when your father is an alcoholic but not a pirate.

And then Threshold surprises me. Perhaps it was because I was distracted by Pippi Longstockings. Or maybe it's just that I was only on Page Two of the comic book. But I definitely wasn't expecting this:

Oh Ember. You were annoying and drawn in many awkward poses, but I'm actually very saddened by this.

On the next page, the reader gets to watch Ember bleed out across six panels just in case the reality of her being shot in the head hasn't quite sunk in. Stealth runs away to go find a nice safe alcove to stand very still in so that she can remain invisible while she thanks her lucky rabbit's foot that it wasn't her.

Speaking of contrived turns of phrase wedged into a sentence simply to give me a meaningless segue, Captain K'rot and Jediah Caul have ended their fight with Adonis seeing as how they've all been collected by Gigantic Penis. Obviously not being killed by citizens playing The Hunt is still the most important goal of Caul but now he needs to get himself uncollected as well. And since he's making friends with Adonis, he should be able to finish up his quest to get his power battery which might help with all of his other quests as well.

I'm also hoping to get the story on why his Power Ring is embedded in his chest.

Adonis gives Caul access to his tesseract warehouse because who wouldn't want a Green Lantern owing you a favor? Especially when you've been shrunk down as an action figure for Gigantic Penis. Saving people in situations like this is exactly why Green Lanterns were created! Actually, I have no idea why Green Lanterns were created. I suppose The Guardians of the Universe wanted to be the universal Chosen Ones and the best way to do that was to subject the rest of the Universe to their rule and their Green Thugs. As an American, I think there is an apt analogy that I just can't put my finger on.

Caul experiences one of those crises of conscious I've heard tell some people occasionally go through. He considers skinning out of there on the Lonar's horse (unless his horse is the motorcycle), Thunderer, but just like Chavez E. Chavez, he comes back to save the day. Kind of.

Drinking in the morning?! But what liquor pairs well with Froot Loops?

Gigantic Penis begins assessing possible damages to his collection while he blows out the brains of the person that brokered the deal for this piece of Green Lantern infested real estate. It's probably a lot like finding termites in your new home. Except this termite has the potential to kill you.

Back in the bottle, things are looking up for two-thirds of the characters.

Hopefully for Adonis's sake, slugs have their brains in their butts.

Well then. Hope does spring eternal!

Shoot the penis/vagina! I bet it's in the penis/vagina!

I went to Wikipedia to fact check the fact in my head that said slugs are hermaphrodites and ended up reading this pair of sentences that will haunt me until the brain cells retaining the information die: "In apophallating species, the penis curls like a corkscrew and during mating, it often becomes entangled in the mate's genitalia. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's penis." According to Intelligent Design, God hates slugs.

God: "Well, my new little slug friends, I've given you a penis that sometimes gets tangled up in the vagina. But since I hate non-heterosexuals and you slugs are just freaks since I gave you both sets of genitals, I figured you needed to be punished! So occasionally after mating, you're going to have to chew off your own penis. Also, you'll melt when you touch salt. Don't worry, it'll all make sense when you read about what I do to Sodom and Lot's Wife in the future. It's a whole theme thing I'm working on! Anybody looking really closely will realize there are no coincidences and the whole of my creation adds up to the inescapable fact that I exist! The only trouble is that Lot will chew off his own penis after having sex with his daughters but nobody will fucking document it because of the patriarchal culture of the time! And how is anyone going to see My grand plan when Mankind keeps rewriting history?! Fucking Free Will Clause. Why did I screw myself? Oh! It's like I'm the Slug now! It's as if this was all created by an Intelligence greater than my own!"

Jediah Caul uses his great selfishness and/or willpower to escape from the Collector's Mucus Membrane Jar. It's pretty disgusting, actually. Tom Raney might as well have just pasted in photos of a woman giving birth and colored them all green. Caul grows really, really big until the mucus membrane breaks and he escapes into Gigantic Penis's ship where he meets Gigantic Penis. But Gigantic Penis doesn't want to fight him here in his ship because it could damage his collection. So he suggests taking the fight elsewhere. Or, possibly, just allowing Caul to leave.

Hey! You forgot your rabbit!

I suppose Captain K'rot is going to have to escape by riding Thunderer out of the tesseract warehouse. I'm sure a New God's steed can Boom Tube on command.

In the back-up story, Larfleeze manages to convince Sayd that he didn't kill Sayd because Sayd was one of his possessions and he loves his possessions. Sayd buys the logic and allows herself to be sucked back into the ring. Like Colombo or Trixie Belden or Sherlock Holmes or Velma, Stargrave the Butler believes he has figured out the answer to this mystery but he's going to hold his tongue for a more exciting reveal at the end.

Giffen may not have created Larfleeze but he's quickly attaining Ambush Bug status for me. Maybe Robert Loren Fleming should be hired on to co-write the Larfleeze monthly.

Stargrave helps Larfleeze realize he's fucked up in the head. Larfleeze has a chat with a non-existent Orange Sayd that's basically just a post-hypnotic suggestion. He realizes that he stole all of his own stuff and destroyed it. Along with his Orange Power Battery. Now what is he going to do? Does he need to get a Yellow Battery and a Red Battery and charge off of those at the same time? Also, does that mean Fear and Anger equal Greed? Whatever he comes up with, the story won't be told in Threshold!

Next month's feature should be about Captain K'rot and his escape from Gigantic Penis by riding Thunderer through a Boom Tube.

Threshold #5 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope I can stand Larfleeze in twenty page increments as opposed to eight page chunks! I hope he kills some D-List DC Characters so they can forever be part of the Orange Lantern Corps.