Convergence: Action Comics #2

This commentary will be quite short.

Superman and Power Girl do some stuff and then there's an earthquake and then the story ends.

Convergence: Action Comics #2 Rating: Well, I can't really rate it yet since I haven't read it! So maybe I should read it although I'm pretty sure I just summarized it in that first paragraph.

The issue begins with Power Girl fitting into her old costume even though she supposedly gained fifteen pounds over the last year. It's a costume that I barely remember because it doesn't have a boob window in it. It's the kind of costume that she could wear for many years and then when it is redesigned to show most of her tits, comic book fans don't have a problem with it. But as soon as you try to change the costume back to a non-boob window variant a few years later, the pro-Power Girl's traditional outfit voices come out en masse! How dare DC Comics change Power Girl's outfit for no good reason! I mean, I realize it had changed for no good reason previously and nobody cared. But this time you can't see her gigantic mammaries! Fuck that shit!

As Power Girl flies off to save Metropolis, she's attacked by an Invisible Jet! I guess the "invisible" technology is too costly to stick on the missiles because those are super visible. But Power Girl has Super Vision which enables her to see the contrails left behind by the jet. Hey! I must have Super Vision too because I can see those!

Was this a "she loves me, she loves me not" petal pulling joke? Unless it was a "the turbulence turned the invisible jet into a washing machine which turned Wonder Woman's underwear into a swamp of love" joke!

Wonder Woman bails out of the plane (or simply falls out as it breaks apart. But that takes away her agency which would be unfeminist) and is caught by Power Girl. A single page depicts them crashing through a building and to the ground. That's not the way I would have drawn it. I would have filled about ten pages of close up panels of their boobs rubbing together as they crashed to the ground. I think that would have really ratcheted up the drama and the themes of loss of control that have been permeating all of the Convergence titles. Unless permeating isn't the word I really wanted to use there.

Once the woman and the girl land, Wonder Woman kicks Power Girl in the face, sending her flying miles and miles away where she lands on the barren landscape of Planet Brainiac.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane looks fashionable and upbeat in her beret.

Also, Lex Luthor becomes ruler of whatever country Moscow is the capital of and Joseph Stalin was the leader of. I think it was Communististan.

Power Girl and Wonder Woman's battle devolves into the same thing that always happens when a person from a capitalist country battles a person from a communist country: they make it all about the ideology they inherited from the country in which they were born.

Wonder Woman: "So! You have capitalist pig Wonder Woman in your world?"
Power Girl: "That's right, you communist dog! She's so much better because she actually has plenty of toilet paper with which to keep her beautiful butt clean!"
Wonder Woman: "Bah! Plentiful toilet paper is metaphor for your country's waste and excess! I spit on your toilet paper! Ptui!"
Power Girl: "Oh yeah?! Well I spit on your optimistic belief that people can get along by sharing all resources and looking out for the community as a whole rather than just a few individuals within that community!"
Wonder Woman: "Why you spit on such beautiful belief?! You and your 'video games' and 'comic books' and 'free speech'! It is grotesquerie!"
Power Girl: "I bet you don't even have a word in Russian for 'hobby', do you?! But you have fifty words for work!"
Wonder Woman: "Da! Work is hobby! Is 'da' word for yes in Russian? I forget because I am constantly speaking English in comic book!"

Lex Luthor reminds Joseph Stalin that he has nuclear weapons (or something even more outdated than all the super robotic crap Lex seems to have put together simply to find out about the nuclear missiles) and Stalin is all, "Oh yeah! Good idea!"

Back on the streets of Moscow, Wonder Woman has seemingly defeated Power Girl when the real hero of Action Comics arrives.

It took Superman longer to get here because he's old and flies way slower with his left eye blinking the whole way.

Superman tells the females to stop being so emotional and to think the situation through logically. Wonder Woman is all, "But that's so hard to do with this vagina!" And Power Girl is all, "I can't think with these boobs!" But Superman is able to crack the Illogic Field of their Femininity and convince them of the truth!

Wonder Woman expresses how she feels at a man being right. Again!

Meanwhile underneath Moscow, a mirror image discussion takes place.

Luthor: "My penis is telling me we have to launch these missiles that look like my penis!"
Stalin: "Da! My testicles rage at the thought of people living and loving at my expense!"
Lane: "You guys are idiots! We can't destroy the world to satisfy your male genitalia!"
Luthor: "I don't care! I mean, I can't care! At all! Testosterone eliminating all empathy within me!"
Stalin: "Penis stiffening at the thought of power through violence!"
Lane: "If you guys knock off this display, I'll show you my breasts."
Stalin and Luthor: "Okay."

Actually, Luthor plans on nuking Metropolis even though Lois is completely against it. And since they're married, he's already seen her breasts so that probably wouldn't stop him anyway. But Superman breaks through the wall to stop him using the logic of his fists, the ultimate weapon of mankind! And it works or something. The cities are saved somehow and I think it involves hugs or something.

I already did the closing part about ratings but not the rating so here it is: 5 Boob Windows out of 10.

Divergence: Sinestro
"Who is the traitor in the Sinestro Corps who has set New Korugar on a path to certain destruction?"

Um, the traitor is Sinestro, of course! Duh! Before Cullen Bunn even began writing the story, he just sat down and thought, "What if there were a traitor in the Sinestro Corps? Who would be the last person somebody would guess? Sinestro!" And then he wrote the story.

The Sneak Peek introduces the main Yellow Lanterns to any new readers. It also shows Sinestro is still making his way around the universe trying to save all of the lost Korugarians. Plus the Corps' new home seems to be Warworld so who cares if New Korugar is going to blow up, right? He also keeps mentioning how the Green Lantern Corps fell apart and abandoned its mission and I don't remember anything about that. I remember Hal quit and became a renegade. But I don't remember what happened in the final issue of the Green Lantern Corps! I should probably reread the commentary on that and see if it explains anything. Maybe we're just supposed to assume that everything fell apart because the universe hates them and Hal's gambit of turning into the scapegoat didn't work. How come DC is making me do all of the work in my head to explain this whole "The Green Lantern Corps has dispersed" bullshit?! Am I supposed to assume as soon as the comic book was cancelled that they stopped existing?!

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2

The Ray is the greatest Escher Girl of them all.

I stared at this for at least thirty seconds wondering where Black Condor was. My brain simply assumed the central figure was Uncle Sam and it wouldn't budge from its assumption. Part of the problem was that my eyes couldn't be bothered to scan the entire cover when it had Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch to stare at. I wonder if the Human Bomb wears anything under his outfit? Probably but I bet it's just a condom.

Last issue promised that this issue would feature a huge three-way. So get ready to see some hot Freedom Fighter on Brother Eye Cyborg on Nazi action!

There it is! It's all downhill from here!

That splash page takes places about two minutes before the cover. They're practically the same picture of Phantom Lady's boobs and crotch! Not that I'm complaining!

I was wrong about the "two minutes" part of my statement. When I turned the page, the very next panel has the Freedom Fighters standing around victorious. Unless "two minutes" is the average time between panels in large scale super hero battles.

The Silver Ghost shows up to discuss the prospects of The Freedom Fighters getting into bed with him. He says he has some compelling evidence as to why they should and that evidence is not his massive cock.

Nazi, Plastic Man. The perfect Nazi! That definition doesn't describe American Soldiers because that definition wasn't "Hero. Absolute hero. Shut up, you communist asstard! I said 'hero' and I mean 'hero' and you can't be ambiguous about it by bringing reality into the conversation because all American soldiers are heroes and that's the end of it!"

The Freedom Fighters join forces with Silver Ghost and the Nazis because I guess the Freedom Fighters don't fight for freedom as much as they'd like people to think they do. You never team up with the Nazis! Ever! Even if the fate of everything relies on holding hands with Hitler and skipping down to the pond to feed some ducks, you don't do it! Although if the only choices to save the world were to either team up with Hitler or to burn an American flag, obviously you team up with Hitler. According to a huge percentage of Americans, there is nothing worse than burning the American flag. How dare somebody disrespect the symbol of all those American soldiers that we just love to ship off overseas to die so we can engage in ill-fated hero worship and not feel guilty about living a life of materialism and narcissism.

Plastic Man and The Silver Ghost and Cyborg Superman's head march off to find Brother Eye so they can destroy him. The rest of the Freedom Fighters remain behind to reenact Starship Troopers. Brother Eye turns out to be a great big factory slash womb in the heart of Futures End New York City.

See?! Never team up with a Nazi! Freedom hating Schweinehunde!

I feel like calling a Nazi a "Schweinehund" would be a major insult since they seemed to be so concerned with racial purity and what's less pure than a pig that is also a dog! That's so American!

While Plastic Man realizes he's on his own against the Future End Cyborgs (and worse, probably! Silver Ghost probably wants to team up with them so that Brother Eye could become "The German Word for 'Brother'" Auge!), The Ray notices some strange attacking ships on the horizon: Cyborg Warwheels! Oh no! How can they compete against Cyborg Warwheels?! If only the Nazis had a Warwheel of their own!

Apparently Earth-Nazi doesn't have a Warwheel of its own because it won the war. The Nazi Warwheel only came to prominence when the post-World War II Nazis were desperate to regain their national prominence. But a Nazi Warwheel wasn't needed anyway because Plastic Man accidentally blows up the Factory Slash Womb Slash Queen Ant Slash Cyborg Leader thing. Then the earthquake hits and the cyborg city blows up for some reason. Probably because it doesn't matter how these stories end so why not just get rid of all that fucking Futures End bullshit in one fell swoop. But Plastic Man lives, of course! As do Black Condor and Dollman and Phantom Lady's superb costume! Uncle Sam never makes an appearance because he was probably shaving and getting a haircut during the battle. He sure was a mess after a year under the dome without an infusion of Patriotism.

Convergence: Plastic Man and the Freedom Fighters #2 Rating: 6.5 Hippies out of 10. I really liked McCrea's artwork! It reminds me that I'm reading a comic book! Sometimes when I'm reading about a guy that can change shape as he battles a Nazi regime that won World War II, I forget that I'm not reading a Time Life book about the history of the world.

Divergence: Harley Quinn
"It's orientation day for Harley's new team of amazing assistants, the Gang of Harleys--and that means it's time to hand out code names! (Readers with severe pun allergies are advised to put this comic book down now, before it's too late.)"

Hey DC! Shouldn't you try to maintain continuity even in these weird Divergence introductions?! Because now you've set up a world where sometimes you have spaces before and after the em dash and sometimes you don't! Which is it going to be?! This is as confusing as Donna Troy's origin!

Remember when the word "piss" was one of those words people were supposed to pretend didn't exist? How did it become embraced by the more prudish masses while cunt and fuck and cocksucker and motherfucker remain outside the fence, gripping the chainlink with their stubby little fingers as tears of loneliness fall down their cheeks as they watch as piss and tits and asshole and even dirty old shit being embraced by conformity?

Harley gives stupid and probably racist names to all the members of her gang. She also explains all the boroughs of New York for those of us who live on the West Coast and don't give a pig-dog's ass about New York City.

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #2

This chessboard has too many squares.

Why hadn't I noticed before? Convegence is just one big game of Heroclix.

If this battle mattered at all, I'd root for Jonah Hex. But since it doesn't matter and the comic book will simply end with an earthquake and everybody standing around awkwardly like it's Thanksgiving at my family's house and my mother just screamed from the kitchen that dad was an impotent asshole. The end?

I'm going to read this comic book but I really don't care about it. I'd rather be playing video games or thinking about writing things that I'll never actually get around to writing.

This issue begins like so many others that I'm going to repeat myself like so many other reviews. The team heads into the fight pondering the ethics of fighting a battle in which innocent lives will be wiped out no matter who wins. It's just different characters with different costumes having the discussion. But if you're a fan of these particular costumes on these particular people, you probably don't mind that these words have pretty much been said by every other character in DC Comics' history over the last two months. Go Infinity Inc! Be bland and repetitive!

The fight begins. Yay.

Redbeard? Enh, close enough.

The battle takes place in that way that comic book battles with too many characters on either side takes place. A few panels of each character getting the better of another character done in such a way that the reader can't really tell if anybody at any point has any kind of an advantage. Luckily the earthquake hits and everybody stops fighting for no reason other than this story needs to have an unsatisfying conclusion at some point.

Because comic book characters are well known for never giving up until that point where they just kind of shrug their shoulders and agree with their opponents that they're all willing to die together.

As Infinity Inc. leaves Hex's Atlanta on good terms with Hex and his minions, Atlanta is replaced by a huge mushroom cloud as all of the nuclear power plants that were damaged in the earthquake explode. Brainwave Jr. is all, "We have to go back and help! It was saving their lives that brought us all together!" But Doctor Fate appears and says, "Those people no longer matter to the plot. Let them die now. I have exciting news for you! You can drop the stupid Infinity name because you're now all members of the Justice Society of America!"

No it doesn't it.

All the members of Infinity Inc. are ecstatic about becoming the Justice Society of America for some reason. None of the original JSA members will still be on the team. It's just going to be Infinity Inc. with a name change. Why fucking bother? Thanks for throwing them a bone, old men! Instead of having all of the members of Infinity Inc. celebrate the offer to let them join, Obsidian should have yelled, "Hey Justice Society! You can take your Justice and your Society and shove 'em straight up your ass!" And then he should have thrown an open beer can at them.

Convegence: Infinity Inc. #2 Rating: Four Post-Apocalyptic Mongrels out of Ten. Every issue I read gets worse than the previous one because they're all so fucking alike. Convergence, you were a boring turd.

Divergence: Batgirl
"Batgirl is always on the front lines of the fight against the dark side of Gotham's tech scene -- but the mind of Barbara Gordon is superior to any software!"

Okay. Thanks, incomprehensible tagline.

Batgirl battles computer nerds and wins handily with Frankie's support via Bluetooth. It's a totally modern comic book because it's all about video games, see? Totally not like every comic book story that put a hero inside a real live video game. This plot is totally new and modern and hip and groovy and hasn't been recycled over the last thirty years. The most unrealistic part of the story is that Batgirl needs a cheat code to win and that she didn't have to go to YouTube to figure out the code. Although she does have that Eye-Tic-Tac Memory of hers so maybe she knew the code was based on the speech the CEO of the company gave which Batgirl saw out of the corner of her eye on Frankie's laptop while Barbara did laundry.

I know I liked the new Batgirl before Convergence but I think it's over now! I can't wait to make fun of it for trying too hard and not knowing that it's so over that can't even.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2

Fists for everybody!

Here's a secret: I hate you all. You all disgust me.

Now please enjoy this review I wrote especially for you!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 was written by Scott Lobdell which means you probably love it. You have absolutely no taste. Your ability to discern intelligent, well-crafted writing is as vibrant and alive as a still born baby in the toilet of the downstairs bathroom at a junior prom. Your approach to living is as haphazard as a seventeen year old boy trying to undo his first bra on his exasperated underage cousin who only got into this situation because she wanted to see her first erect penis and was willing to endure some awkward groping of her newly budding breasts to satisfy her curiosity. That last sentence probably titillated you, you disgusting perv. I can't believe I'm writing this review for you.

Even I never assumed Lobdell could Lobdell a first page even worse than he usually Lobdells it.

Somebody once said (and I know it wasn't you because the last time an original thought flitted its way through your mind, Bill Cosby had yet to rape his fourteenth victim. So, you know, a long time ago) that the first page of a comic book sells the comic book and the last page of the comic book sells the next one. This page is not trying very hard to sell anything except blue paint for the walls in your downstairs pantry. I don't know who said that previous thing about first pages because most of my brain space is used for coming up with original thoughts (as opposed to yours which is mostly used for remembering the items on the Taco Bell menu). It is not used for remembering quotes or who they should be attributed to.

Blue Beetle's question "How hard can it possibly be..." ends with "...to fight a flying legion of super-heroes?" He goes on to say, "You know -- when I started that question it was supposed to be rhetorical." It still is rhetorical, Blue Fuckyou. It's rhetorical because it's a silly question meant to show that you realize the odds are stacked hugely against you. You never once fucking expected a realistic answer that would somehow save you from the situation you've found yourself. But guess what? I suppose you morons reading this commentary probably chuckled at it. You probably thought, "Why that Blue Beetle! Always keeping his sense of humor even in the face of overwhelming teenagers!" No wait. You never would have said that because it only played on a cliche and didn't actually deliver one. Replace "teenagers" with "odds" and that's more like something you'd say. Also maybe misspell a few words and punctuate the statement like Howard Mackie might. Or like Scott Lobdell considering his use of the double dash in the previous Blue Beetle quote.

Also, why is Blue Beetle asking the questions? It seems to me one of the other Charlton characters is much better suited for that task.

Firstly, "Blue Beetle" isn't a stretch. If you're Dan Garrett. I suppose if you're Ted Kord and you're just borrowing the name from Dan and have no actual relationship to the blue scarab, it's kind of a stretch. Secondly, how does he know "Cosmic Boy" is a stretch? He doesn't even know the kid's powers. They could be totally cosmic and boyish!

Blue Beetle pulls the old "Surrender and we'll let you live" routine that so many other Convergence characters prior to this have used. Now, it's not Scott Lobdell's fault that I'm reading his comic book nearly last and I'm as sick of this plot as I am of your breath, so I won't harp on it too much. But Blue Beetle is acting awfully arrogant for a guy whose only power is the ability to constantly verbally abuse his friends.

While Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Brainiac 5 speak with the Charlton gang, the rest of the Legionnaires float around in the sky in standard action figure poses. They must realize that there are far too many of them for Scott Lobdell to deal with. Oh, look how cute you are, turning red and sputtering because I ended that last sentence with a preposition. How much does it bug you that I know it and I don't give a fuck?

Typical Scott Lobdell. Everybody is more amazing than the next person right up until he's written enough pages for the month.

Tracy is in charge of a computer that can decode Interlac in 0.06 seconds but she doesn't know enough to realize Interlac is a language and not just a "something." Also, she doesn't know how to write her decimal correctly in her speech bubble. Not that it matters when Neanderthals like you are reading the comic book.

Colossal Boy shakes the Bug which will probably be the best part of this entire comic book even if nobody inside dies immediately from broken everythings. Instead the Bug teleports away, sadly not taking a few of Colossal Boy's fingers with it.

Jesus fucking Christ. Am I the only one paying attention to these things?! Hello? Comic book fans? Are you fucking literate? You people actually enjoy poorly written garbage?

Go ahead. Reread that page and tell me why it's fucking stupid. If you don't know what's wrong with it then you are not allowed to have opinions on whether comic books are well-written or not. Chameleon Boy begins a philosophical and ethical discussion about how if they win, a city full of innocent people will be destroyed. He has a problem with that. He's thinking maybe they need to deal with that instead of just going in and winning the fight. Catspaw and Robot Arms Snake Lass continue this discussion. It's an important discussion. But then Green Skirt Lad says it's a moot point because they're going to defeat these Charlton guys easy-peasy. Which is not a "moot point" at all but the entire point of the fucking conversation! Fuck you, Green Skirt Lad!

Blue Beetle needs precisely six minutes to enact some plan that will be so amazing that they'll beat Telos at his own game. Captain Atom's plan to distract the Legion of Super-heroes?

Poorly set-up and contrived one-liners!

No! Stop it, you! Do not laugh at that. I understand it's hard for an unimaginative moron not to laugh at all of the simple-minded bullshit that the entertainment-industrial complex spews into your eager for any kind of entertainment face receptacle. But if you're going to read my comic book reviews, I need you to have some kind of minimum standard. I'm not exactly sure where to set the bar for jokes you may find funny but I know Scott Lobdell's jokes are far, far beneath that bar.

Legion fails to stop Captain Atom even though they outnumber him infinity to one but I guess we're all still waiting on Blue Beetle's plan to save everybody. His plan is whatever and it whatevers then they all whatever and Telos smiles knowingly.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 Rating: I'm not going to give this comic book any rating because that would only encourage Scott Lobdell.

Divergence: Black Canary
"The newly rechristened band Black Canary seems to be a magnet for trouble...and Dinah's not gonna believe it when she finds out the reason why!"

What was wrong with the name "Ashes On Sunday"? It was more upbeat than Black Canary!

Does nobody else have a problem with Black Canary being the lead singer of a rock group? It seems a bit irresponsible. All it takes is one slip up, one well-timed mind control attack by a super-villain, one wrong note...and the heads of everybody in the audience explode. I guess Black Canary has walked away from worse disasters without any consequences. Like that time she and her Birds of Prey blew up an entire hotel without evacuating any of the occupants.

Black Canary and her band cause trouble at every venue in which they perform. Why? I don't know. Is Blue Devil in the band? He was a weirdness magnet, remember? I think Black Canary must be a violence magnet. She does try to smooth over all of the trouble when it confronts her but I guess her tour schedule is too hectic for her to pay people or apologize to people or to break up with people or to do anything except flee from city to city with a wave of angry people following in the band's wake because these angry people apparently don't have lives of their own.

I don't get it. This Sneak Peek doesn't make me want to read this comic book. It makes me want to murder everybody lining up at the Hawthorne Theater every night. It also makes Black Canary look like a huge dick. I think it's supposed to portray her in the opposite way because she tries to make amends with all of the angry people gathered at her show. But why does she leave so many angry people in her wake? Because she's a huge, selfish, narcissistic dick, right?

Convergence: Shazam #2

Batman wins.

The art in this issue was very much the art of this issue. The writing was as writingesque as it could be. The colors...oh! The colors! So colorful! And if you like characterization, did this comic book have characters! You couldn't find a better value for your $3.99 than this comic book. Even if an escort offered you a hypo full of heroin, oral sex, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while promising you'd never have to work another day in your life, your $3.99 would be better spent on Convergence: Shazam #2!

I should probably read the comic book now. I'm pretty sure I nailed the review though. For those of you who came here to read a comic book review, you should leave now because I won't be doing any more reviewing in the following paragraphs. I probably will barely even write about the comic book. But I might call Jeff Parker's mother a whore. You never know! Let's see where the journey takes us, shall we?

While blimps attack Fawcett City, Captain Marvel heads over to Gaslight Gotham. That's kind of him! Now Batman won't have to travel to beat Cap's ass. Don't worry about those blimps I mentioned destroying the city! Mary Marvel and Freddy Marvel and the Bulletpeople have stayed behind to destroy them.

Gaslight Batman has better gadgets than regular old Batman.

Batman leads Captain Marvel into a trap where Cap is electrocuted. But electricity is like water off a convict's back to Captain Marvel! He survives which impresses Batman who isn't easily impressed. Just ask Alfred and Robin and especially Catwoman who sometimes does that thing with the handle of her whip which Batman hardly even reacts to even though his urethra really isn't any bigger than most peoples.

Batman and Captain Marvel decide to team up because they're smarter than most of the other heroes who only decided to team up after punching each other for three-quarters of the comic book. Batman and Billy head into the sewers for reasons that I don't want to go into because they'll bore you. But once they're in the sewers, they encounter Killer Croc the Urchin which is super exciting! Have your nipples been stiffened?

Captain Marvel discovers that his nemesis, Giant Vibrator Man, has aligned himself with Gaslight Gotham and all of its miscreants like Joker the Ripper and Clay-Thug and Penguin Sideburns and Debtor's-Prison-Face and Mr. Steampunk Freeze and The Scare-Dandy and Harley Sweep and Mistress Ivy and Ye Olde Man-Bat and The Riddler. Even with this many opponents, I don't think Captain Marvel needs to worry. Batman decides to beat up Penguin Sideburns because Batman is lazy and weak. Captain Marvel can probably handle the rest.

Except Captain Marvel just leaves them all to Batman while he rips into Mr. Atom to find the real enemy of everybody.

Poor Mr. Mind. Always the Caterpillar, never the bridesmaid.

And that's it! There's an earthquake and everybody wins. Or loses. Whatever.

Convergence: Shazam #2 Rating: Seven Georgia Sivanas out of Ten because when she transforms into a lightning child, my pants become a semen waterfall. I wish I was through with the Convergence books! They're all about seven-eighths the same story! Just five left!

Divergence: Constantine the Hellblazer
"Rogue mage, notorious philanderer and superhero-hater John Constantine has been in trouble before, but never so deep as when he's forced to investigate his own infernal history."

How can John be forced to investigate his own history? Why doesn't he just say, "Okay! Looked into it and nothing strange! Everything's on the up and up! Cor blimey, me biscuits are moist!"

The Sneak Peek shows a John Constantine doing the dirty work that nobody else will do. And not because he's trying to save the world or be some kind of mystic hero. He's just letting people's pasts catch up to them before they cause any more trouble. Which might be part of the reason he's going to get into trouble himself. Seems his past is about to catch up to him too. I'll be glad for a John Constantine that isn't in love. Jesus, New 52 Constantine was annoying.

Convergence: Detective Comics #2

Who doesn't give a shit about Convergence comics and has some thumbs?!

I think I might have to put the rest of the Convergence books on the back burner so that I can catch back up to the regular books which are the ones I want to read. I'll figure something out, I guess. Like maybe barely writing anything about the next seven Convergence titles so I can get back to a point where I have at least a little bit of interest in the comic books I'm reading. Convergence was a long drawn out boring way for DC Comics to retcon Crisis On Infinite Earths into not having happened. They could have just stapled a memo into one of the New 52 books saying, "You know that universe that we abandoned in September of 2011? Remember how you thought, 'Oh! The New 52 is a whole new universe which I don't like but at least I can continue to hope that the old universe that I love will eventually come back!'? Well, stop remembering that! Because your old universe is completely different now! We at DC Comics decided that Crisis on Infinite Earths ended differently! All of the worlds were saved and everything that happened after Issue #12 of Crisis never, ever happened ever in the history of everything ever! So if you're still hoping that universe comes back, HOO BOY are you in for a SUR-PRISE! It's totally different, dumb dumbs! Ha ha! In your face, idiots! This is what you get when you ignore the simple fact that the stories you've read which affected you intensely continue to matter no matter how much stupid bullshit a comic book company puts out about those stories not mattering in the slightest. Here's something else DC Comics figures we should tell you! Remember the eighteen years you spent with a mother and father who loved and adored you before they helped you off to college and into the real world?! They actually hated you! And they laughed at you constantly! And they used your little baby flesh in Satanic Rituals in the basement! And since DC Comics said it, that's the way it is! Enjoy Thanksgiving this year, idiots!"

Man! The spokesman for DC Comics is a rude jerk! I'm glad I'm not like him at all and am a super nice guy that writes wonderful stories that everybody loves to read (especially publishers! So if you're a publisher, send me a note about how you want to read all of my great stories and then publish them! Imagine how much money your company can make by publishing my terrific children's book line about "The Shark Who Saved The Holiday That Wasn't Specifically Christian Due To A Modern Secular Mindset Which Has Begun To Pervade This Once Great Country"? Or my Young Adult Triple Trilogy entitled, "Conform, You Artsy Fartsy Purple Haired Snowflake With Face Piercings And A Cool Looking Vape-Bong Who Is So Unique That You Can't Even!" Or what about my romance line of books, "Books That Do Your Husband's Job"? I'm also available to write the books based on the movies! Here's an excerpt from my novelization of Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Then this kind of South Americanish hybrid caricature says to Indiana Jones, "Throw me the idol! I throw you the whip!" And Harrison Ford is in a real bind and he looks like he's thinking, 'Well, I won't be rich but maybe I'll live if I give up the idol although this guy is a caricature of a Hispanic people which means he's probably sneaky and won't actually throw me the whip. But boy am I in a spot! I sure hope I live through this so I can become a pilot and settle down to live with a hot bag of bones in Colorado!'" That's good stuff, right publishers?!). Oh man! I just realized I'm 29 comics behind and I'm busy patting my laurels on the backside! I'm going to read the comic book now but don't forget to call me, publishers! Or send me a message or something! The name is Grunion Guy! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"!

You don't have to read the Narration Boxes. Just remember that on Earth-2, Capitalism kept everything fresh and juicy. But on Earth-Concrete-Blocks, Communism hurt everybody's feelings and made them all sad because they had dirty butts and no toilet paper.

Last issue, Helena Wayne thought blowing up a car on Superman would defeat him. Maybe she thought the extravagance of destroying a multi-million dollar vehicle would shock Communist Superman into a coma! Whatever she was attempting, it failed and she had to be saved by Communist Superman. That's the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a capitalist! You don't want some communist pulling you up by your own bootstraps! Just think what the other American urchins would think as they're struggling with their own bootstraps and then they see your bootstraps being fiddled with by a communist! They'd probably think, "Gor! Sumevody corl a poritishern! Wes has gots us a bloordy Red symfasizer!"

Hey Publishers! Did I mention how good I am at historical novels?! I've got a whole series on revolutions across history called, "Naked Ladies and Revolutions: A Look At History and Boobies! For Guys (and Lesbians) That Aren't All That Interested in History."

Communist Superman is all, "I just want to talk!" And Capitalist Huntress is all, "So you can turn us into Red Monsters! So you can steal away our dreams of becoming billionaire lottery winners?! I don't think so, Compadre!" And Capitalist Dick Grayson is all, "I think that would be 'Compadreski,' Huntress." And Capitalist Huntress is all, "Thanks for the Mansplanation, asshole!" And Communist Superman is all, "In communist Russia, mansplanations mansplain you!"

Before Capitalist Robin and Capitalist Huntress can be told a bunch of workable Communist lies that actually make sense in theory but seldom work out in practice (which is totally different somehow than Capitalist lies that actually make sense but seldom work out in practice), Communist Batman saves the day! Not that the day needed saving but you never can tell when some unsuspecting Capitalist is going to hear too much of the Communist side and become sympathetic to the Communist cause. It's better to not have Freedom of Speech then to have weak minded fools listening to things that they might actually find believable, interesting, and truthful.

Here's a truthful statement: people who don't believe in freedom of speech are dumb assholes.

This scene reminds me of the third in my Naked Ladies and Revolutions series: Farm Girls of the Ukraine And Russia's President's Day Revolution.

Communist Batman, a complete stranger to The Huntress, says, "I'm sure your dead father was proud of you." Huntress says, "Thank you." But that's only because she can't hear the Communist Sarcasm in his voice because what he really meant to say is, "Russian father of young girl who run around with boobs flip-flopping out of shirt would be complete opposite of proud!" But he'd only think that because he's Communist and in a Retro Golden Age Story. He doesn't know it's now wrong to judge women for their clothing. It's also stupid because who wants women to wear more clothing?! I guess gay guys and women who aren't as hot as the women wearing less clothing?

Communist Superman begins searching the city with his Supervision. But since Communist Batman lives in a lead lined house, Communist Superman can't find him. Communist Superman is also too stupid to think, "I can see the entire city except what's behind the walls of that house. But that's probably just a fluke."

Hey jerko! The fate of worlds hangs in the balance here! How about a little less vague and a lot more explicit!

Communist Superman catches up with The Huntress and Robin after Communist Batman disappears. Because Communist Batman didn't tell the kids to open the box and expose Communist Superman to the Kryptonite that is obviously in the box, they try to defeat Communist Superman with Batarangs and Crossbow Bolts. Spoiler: it doesn't work.

Worst Huntress ever written? That's a rhetorical question because it's obvious this is the worst Huntress ever written. Also, I don't want hundreds of responses from Tumblrites declaring that all New 52 Huntresses were the worst because they weren't Preboot Helena Bertinelli because I don't want to read nonsense. The New 52 Helena Wayne was a fantastic Huntress.

After Dick and Helena are nearly killed by Communist Superman (but aren't because he's merely trying to subdue them so that they can talk about this ridiculous Multiversal Thunderdome situation), Dick realizes it's time to open the box Communist Batman gave him. He probably should have known to open the box at the beginning of the fight. I'm surprised he even remembered the box after the severe concussion he just suffered having his head smashed into The Huntress's head. Although you know what would have been even better? If Communist Batman had said, "This rock I'm giving you will drain Superman of his powers so just open the box in his presence and you'll defeat him."

Dick opens the box and Superman writhes in pain and pleads for his life and only when he's about to die does Dick throw away the box and say, "You know what? Maybe we should talk this over with Communist Superman?" The Huntress freaks out because Robin threw away their chances of beating Communist Superman. Yeah, but he only threw yor chances about five feet behind him! Go pick up the stupid kryptonite if you need to win so badly, Helena!

Communist Superman and Robin shake hands and declare the duel a draw. Telos points out that the rules specifically state that working together and being kind to each other are flagrant violations and will be dealt with in a swift and meaningless manner. Then he leaves to participate in the end of the Convergence Weekly Series and completely forget all about his Multiversal Thunderdome project. I think Telos has ADD.

The issue ends with Huntress and Robin finding their way back to Earth-Two Gotham City. I guess it was stolen as well. I don't have a master list of all the cities that were taken by Brainiac but if I had to guess, I'd say that list contained every city ever written about in DC's history because why not?

Yeah! What was that about, Helena?! It must have been part of the plot though and not horrible writing on Len's part because why else would Len have you mention that Len wrote you so horribly?!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2 Rating: 4 Helena Bertinellis out of Ten. This was pretty much a crap story that should have been resolved with a bunch of talking just a few pages into the first issue. But Helena wasn't acting in character so the characters had to engage in a lot of useless fighting. I guess she was just so scared of the Red Menace that she couldn't help reacting the way she did. Totally understandable! Those Communists are monsters!

Divergence: The Flash
"Professor Zoom is back, and he's not alone! Who's along for the ride to kill the Fastest Man Alive?"

Fuck you, Professor Zoom! Enough with the ridiculous time travel bullshit, Van Jensen. And stop working with Brett Booth! I'm terrified of people whose legs are longer than they should be.

Professor Zoom has a whole gang of misfits at his side in his hunt to kill The Flash. Yay. More comic books where the hero isn't doing heroic stuff but reacting to villains trying to kill him. I'm not going to run out and pick up this book! Ha ha! One Speed Force Point to me!

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2

Don't expect to see any more of Superwoman in this issue. She was electrocuted for enjoying sex.

According to my air conditioner, it's 41 degrees in here right now. I don't think that means I need to put on a jacket. I think that means I need a new air conditioner.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman walking about morosely in a park because she doesn't get to fight anybody in Multiversal Thunderdome. That's because her opponent was lit up like a festive Non-Denominational Holiday Tree! I'm glad she's making an appearance though. I was thinking about beginning this commentary by stating how it would star exactly zero women because they were all killed last issue. And by "all," I mean "the only female to appear in the entire comic last issue."

This is why I'm sick of Convergence. I have to read this quandary ten times per week. You would think if any characters in this battle would just jump in wholeheartedly, it would be the Crime Syndicate! Stop being such huge pussies (yes, I'm problematic. I'm just trying to avoid being gross! I don't want fifteen year olds (or those with the mental maturity of fifteen year olds) to hate me!).

Superman One Million and Aquaman One Million have the exact same conversation. Which totally explains why Aquaman and Power Ring begin punching each other without trying to talk it out a few panels later!

Aquaman One Million battles with an anchor. I think that's a metaphor!

Ultraman meets up with Wonder Woman which means they'll probably fall in love and declare that they'd rather die than fight with each other. I think that was the plot of a Shakespeare play, "Three Suicides and a Gang Fight."

Tempting? What don't I know about Batman One Million?! Is he gay or just into fucking owls? According to The Bible, the former is worse than the latter. Deuteronomy Something Colon Something.

Batman One Million doesn't want to fight. He wants to team up with Owlman to find Telos and go to prom with him. Owlman doesn't want to fight either so you probably think the two of them won't be fighting. If you reached that conclusion, you don't read enough comic books. Owlman also doesn't want to go find Telos with Batman One Million which makes Batman One Million want to fight Owlman. Batman One Million is an asshole.

The Flashes run by at that moment going fast enough to run straight up a building but not too fast so that Batman can't see them perfectly. Johnny Quick knocks out Flash One Million and says, "Say goodnight, Gracie!!!" So apparently they have Burns and Allen on Earth-3! Sorry! I mean Allen and Burns. But they apparently don't have the show in the 853rd Century. Or Batman just doesn't have a sense of humor. Both of those postulations are plausible.

He should have said, "Good night, Gracie!!!"

Let's see how the fight between Aquaman and Power Ring is progressing! First off, Power Ring shows his ignorance by calling Aquaman's anchor a "trident." Aquaman mentions that he's from Neptune. Power Ring jumps to the conclusion that that means Aquaman can breathe underwater. Does Power Ring really believe that Neptune is a giant ocean planet? Maybe he's just dumb enough to be correct because in the 853rd Century, Neptune just might be that! Wonder Woman lives on and protects Venus and she didn't look scarred from the corrosive atmosphere. Which planet does Batman live on? The one he renamed "Batplanet"?

Batman One Million actually did let Owlman run from him which was the right decision. But Owlman only ran from him when Batman One Million said that they must fight even though he didn't want to fight him. Batman One Million also watched Flash One Million crash into the street after falling unconscious from the top of a building and he just walked away to leave Flash to die. Batman One Million has important business with Superman One Million! He can't let himself be distracted by petty concerns over one life hanging in the balance.

Batman One Million tells Superman One Million that the power source for the planet is beneath the surface. So it's time to punch a hole in the ground and spelunk their asses off.

Owlman just looks like a man who was swallowed by an owl.

Owlman surrenders but just before Wonder Woman One Million crushes his skull, Superwoman arrives! I guess she did get her powers back just before the switch was thrown. Or she was pardoned at the last minute by a repentant justice system that finally realized the vengeance driven hypocrisy of state mandated murder. No, no! That would never happen! She most likely got her powers back.

Although Ernie Chambers of Omaha managed to get a red state to repeal the death penalty! Of course the logic behind Republicans changing their mind about the death penalty has nothing to do with compassion and the possibility of innocent people being killed and everything to do with the cost. So that's par for the course! But at least they made the right decision no matter the reasons. I guess.

The earthquake hits while Superwoman and Wonder Woman One Million begin their fight for the fate of their cities. But we all know it doesn't matter so do I really care which one wins?

It's a good thing I don't care because the issue ends with both women being crushed under rubble (and Batman One Million lost in the collapse of the cave he's exploring). But then one climbs from the rubble! But she's lost her gloves or bracers and the shadows are just right so you can't see the top of her outfit which leaves no way of determining which one survived! Take that, readers!

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2 Rating: 10 Rats out of 6.5. Get it?!

Divergence: Cyborg
"The ultimate tech hero thought he knew everything abut his unique cybernetic body.

He was wrong."

I bet he discovers he has a robot vagina to go along with his human cock! If that's not what he discovers, I think I've lost interest because there's no way it'll be as interesting as that.

In the Sneak Peek, Cyborg is killed by some creatures called the Tekbreakers. They steal his arms and his kidneys and then leave. But then Cyborg's backup operating system kicks in and regenerates him. His body repairs itself and he comes back to life, growing new arms, new kidneys, and probably a vagina. I hope he didn't lose his BOOM Tube technology! Although that's probably what was stolen by the Tekbreakers along with his White Noise Blaster Arm. I guess Cyborg's technology needed to be updated after thirty plus years of blasting things with white noise. I have to agree. That shit was lame by issue fifteen of The Teen Titans.

Convergence: Justice Society of America #2

Judging by the first half of the picture I drew on my old laptop (the right side!), you'd never guess that I'm finding it really difficult to draw with my new laptop's touchpad.

This morning I had a dream that I wrote a pilot for a Vixen television show for the CW. The cold open had Vixen tailing some presumable evildoer for unknown reasons. She realizes she needs to get closer and thus she needs to move more silently, so she takes on the power of a cat. But this version of Vixen borrows the powers of not just any cat but of the cat nearest her location, so she, unknowingly, grabs up the powers of an alley cat in heat. Also, this Vixen, for added television humorous entanglements, cannot just readily switch from power to power either. So she's following this guy silently but getting more and more horny as she goes. Eventually, she's so distracted, she rounds a corner, runs into the guy, and just starts kissing him. Cut to another scene where they're fucking. The camera pans around until it rests on Vixen's beautiful, dark-skinned face with a look of annoyed frustration instead of passion.

That was it. The scene could probably use a major rewrite but my dream brain doesn't have an editor. Although my brain editor would probably just channel Judd Winick and point out that she should say, "Not again!" Ha ha! Again! Always funny! Right, Judd?

Last issue, the old guys in the Justice Society of America became the young guys in the Justice Society of America. The women of Justice Society of America were probably in the kitchen. That wasn't my sexist statement! That's their sexism showing because they're old! They have old values! Also, how many women were even in this group? According to the one shot of the full team in last issue, I think there was one: Wonder Woman. Maybe the guys in the group thought she was "Oneder Woman" and figured she'd be outraged if they accepted a second woman onto the team.

Also, they were attacked by a robot of Qward because that's super not interesting at all. That makes it a lot more like a Golden Age Comic Book!

The issue is narrated by Doctor Fate. He keeps reminding the reader that the Justice Society are old men that aren't used to fighting in youthful bodies full of testosterone and vim and vigor and feelings of lust and boners and thoughts of just enough butt play to make the orgasm really intense. Those thoughts and feelings can really be distracting in battle especially after spending the last year just hoping when you go to the bathroom to urinate, you're able to actually get the flow going. I'm surprised that their battle repartee isn't all based around old episodes of Perry Mason and Murder She Wrote.

These guys are depressing the shit out of me. Being old must suck!

Of course this is only Dan Abnett's version of old people and he's only about fifty years old. So this is probably just him projecting his fears onto the Justice Society. I bet being old is equal parts liberating and terrifying! I bet super old people in their nineties or older think about death 95% of their waking lives. Kent Nelson's coma was probably a relief compared to what the other guys were going through.

I think Jay Garrick mentioned that last issue! I should think up my own thoughts!

The Justice Society revel in the feeling of being a hero. For once in their lives, they are not taking the power and the responsibility for granted. Unlike those young punks who don't know how good they've got it!

I heard "Jack and Diane" on the radio last week and it made me angry! That fucking lyric about holding on to fifteen as long as you can is bullshit! I get as an older person the fervent nostalgia for being in that youthful place but what kind of ridiculous advice is it to hang on to something over which you have no control! I guess Mellencamp just means it philosophically! Don't yearn for grown up things when you're that young because you'll be dealing with them soon enough and you'll wish you were young and irresponsible and glorious all over again. But even that makes me angry! Stupid time! Fuck you!

I hate this comic book! I'm throwing it away now! Here are some pictures from the rest of it. Try to figure out the story yourself! I'm too busy crying to type!

I don't know if they're planning battle strategy or they've called in a hooker.

They continue to battle the Qwardian Deathbot or fuck the hooker. I'm still not sure which they're doing because the only thing currently swimming before my eyes is the deep, dark blackness of non-existence.

Still not sure if it's a hooker or a Deathbot.

And then it's over.

I really hope they're talking about a Deathbot.

After the battle, the Justice Society return to old men. Their time is over and they go back to reminiscing about the good old days and pointing out how Infinity Inc. isn't doing super-heroing the way it's supposed to be done. Because back in their day...!

Convergence: Justice Society of America #2 Rating: Nine Colonoscopies out of Ten. This was, pure and simple, a love letter to the Justice Society, and to super heroes, and to savoring life. It was sweet. I hate sweet! I much prefer sour!

Divergence: Superman Loves Wonder Woman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues! As the pressure mounts, a relationship is tested!"

I bet this comic book will now be twenty pages of Wonder Woman saying things like, "Why do you care so much about what Lois did?" And Superman saying, "It was my choice! She took it away! I hate her!" And Wonder Woman going, "I think you love her!" And Superman going, "If I love her so much, why don't I marry her?!" And Wonder Woman rejoindering, "Why don't you then?!" And Superman matter of facting, "I will!" And Wonder Woman screaming, "So do it!" And Superman replying, "I will! I'm going! Right now!" Then the title will be changed to Superman Is An Idiot.

Superman is still having trouble with every DNA scanning security device not recognizing him as Superman. He's also bleeding to death. So he's stealing a shuttle to fly out to the sun for a little spa retreat. Wonder Woman follows him because she's following her heart more than her brain.

Good one, Diana. Just follow him to your death. No big deal!

Was I supposed to read all of these "TRUTH" Sneak Peeks in a particular order? Because I'm completely confused by them. I should probably look them up and read them online so I understand what's going on before I begin reading June's comic books.

Hey! How can he be pushing a jump-light prototype shuttle too hard? It's supposed to jump to light speed! How do you push that too hard?!

The Sneak Peek ends with Superman telling Wonder Woman that he doesn't love her anymore. Classic ploy to push somebody away because you don't think they can deal with the shit you're dealing with! I hope Clark pushes Diana into Lex's arms!

I don't know what's going on with Tomasi on this book. I loved his Batman and Robin but he's been kind of crap on this title. Hopefully he'll turn it around and make this whole Superman losing his powers and his identity shit interesting.

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2

Yay! This is my last Tangent Universe comic book! I hate those guys!

Hate is such a strong word. Which is why I used it!

The main battle in this comic book is over Cyborg's power source. The Dumb Patrol want it so they can build a time machine and go back home. The New Teen Titans want it because Cyborg can't live without it. And he's so young with so many more boners to give to Changeling.

I hope the battle takes a seat to the real mystery here: is Jericho gay? If Kole were throwing herself at me, the insides of my jeans would be sticky! For some reason that I won't go into although if you're young and you have no idea what I'm talking about, it probably involves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Last issue ended with Firehawk sending an chat message over her computer to Nightwing. That alone was more unbelievable than a cosmic entity stealing a bunch of cities out of space and time just to make them fight each other. This issue begins with the two of them speaking on their Bluetooth headsets which is only slightly more believable. What kind of roaming charges are they getting?!

I interrupt my commentary for this breaking news! Nightwing has a theory! Repeat! Details at ten! I mean, Nightwing has a theory! Your only news at four AM because no other local channel is fucking insane! Here's a white guy with shiny white teeth with our story!

Shiny White Teeth: "Thanks attractive woman with above average sized breasts! Earlier, Nightwing was seen swinging through Gotham speaking with Firehawk. We overheard his theory about what happened to our city!"

"Holy zip! What a revelation!"

Attractive Woman With Above Average Sized Breasts: "Can you believe that?! He thinks all the cities were transported to this world by who knows who! What a startling revelation! We'll keep you up-to-date on this breaking story! Now weather with either a wacky black male or a sexy Asian female!"

While Nightwing chats up Firehawk because she seems far more controllable than that crazed Tamarranean he's currently married to (and this version of Nightwing is all about control because he's yet to step out from the shadow of Batman's Way), the rest of the Titans are attacked by the rest of the Dumb Patrol.

"Here's the plan! I'll shoot Starfire in the tits while you over-explain your powers! Just ignore the gay guy with the sideburns and don't make eye contact with him! He's creepy!"

The New Teen Titans don't do anything to defend themselves. Kole is the most proactive trying to encase Star Sapphire in her crystal. But Starfire does nothing, probably because Nightwing shamed her so much for using her powers. And Cyborg just gets shot and lies down. Gar turns into a gorilla, runs into Jericho, and nearly kills him. And that's about the extent of the fight.

One interesting note: Kole calls Jericho "Joe." She's not even related to him and she knows his name! Slade and Rose Wilson are assholes over in Deathstroke. They can't even bother to learn a family member's name. But then Marv Wolfman is writing this issue. I'd expect him to know Jericho isn't Joseph Wilson's real name whereas I just figure Tony S. Daniel can't be bothered to learn anything about the characters he's writing. He never has before and DC Comics keeps giving him writing jobs. Somebody needs to realize he should just keep to doing art. But I guess if he's not writing, how can he be assured to have two or three double splash pages in every issue?! Those original sketches can make him beaucoup bucks on the art market!

Tangent Rampage takes off on his Tangent Space Motorcycle with Cyborg over his shoulder as Kory finally gets into a battle frenzy. As she's murdering the Dumb Patrol leader, Firehawk's mom (whatever her name is!), Kole makes a pass at Jericho.

He's signing, "No, I won't fuck you, you ignorant slut."

Tangent Star Sapphire returns and calls Firehawk's mom "Doomsday," so that mystery is solved! They fly off while Starfire kneels on the ground watching and saying, "I should have killed her! Now there is no way I can follow her with the rest of the team because fuck Vic! We're a little bit sore after that tussle!" Nightwing and Wonder Girl arrive to shake their heads at the room full of failure.

Later on the roof of STAR Labs, Kory yells at Dick for keeping her true nature stifled. She's a murderer and he just won't let her murder! What a controlling, sexist pig! How come everything has to be his way? She points out that they're no longer on Earth so maybe there are different laws. Dick doesn't point out that they're still in Gotham so they still have to follow Gotham's laws, if there are any. Although according to Preboot Swamp Thing #52 or something, Gotham has laws against humans having sex outside of their species. So Nightwing is breaking that one two or three times a month. That's a lot of sex, right?

Pretty soon Gar starts crying and everybody gets really uncomfortable and Dick doesn't have the heart to mention that Vic is probably being vivisected right about now so the Dumb Patrol can get at his power source. Instead he wastes more time thinking. Maybe he trusts Firehawk more than he should and he's hoping she solves his problem. She has his phone number! If she's as good a person as she claimed to be, she can call him with directions to Vic's body.

Meanwhile Kole keeps trying to get laid because I guess when somebody signs "no," it doesn't actually mean no!

Firehawk confronts her mother about how she attacked the Titans but Firehawk doesn't pick up a phone or send a message to Nightwing because I guess she's an asshole after all. But Gar figures out where Cyborg is through some technological mumbo jumbo that doesn't really make sense but it allows for the Teen Titans to engage in some drama as they chew the scenery trying to figure out how they'll save Cyborg. What would really make sense is that Cyborg, being over half machine, would have some kind of way to be traced by the others. I guess that's too difficult. But email between different networks from alternate universes is easy.

There's your answer, Kory! Just ditch this prick until he becomes likeable in about ten or twenty years.

The Teen Titans track down Cyborg where Kory gets a rematch against Doomsday where she doesn't kill her again. But this time she gets to act self-righteous and be all, "'m not going to kill you because Dick told me not to kill! I mean, for my own reasons like that one cliche one...what was it again? Oh yeah! I don't want to become you! Burnzinga!"

If you couldn't tell, I sprained my eyes rolling them during that scene.

Starfire turns her back on Doomsday so she can go make out with Dick who can finally love her now that she's declared she won't kill for him. Aww! Young love with conditions! It's so romantic!

Doomsday's heart grows three sizes and she agrees to work with the Titans to save every single life in every single time across all dimensions forever. I don't know how she's going to manage it but I'm sure it will all come together in the end. Nobody any where in any time should ever die. And by working together, we can put an end to the evil of death!

But guys. Let's really get moving on that because I'm forty-three!

The earthquake hits, the Doom Patrol disappears, and a single star lights up the sky. I bet it's Oracle!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2 Rating: 7 Kids Signing Cookie out of Ten. This issue was probably enjoyable for uncritical Teen Titans fans. I mean, Starfire and Nightwing kissed! And Kole and Jericho kissed! And Changeling and Cyborg probably kissed when they disappeared in the last act for a few pages. It was full of romance! And ultimatums!

Divergence: Robin: Son of Batman
"Follow the adventures of the most deadly Robin of them all, Damian Wayne, as he travels the world with his pet were-bat!"

This Sneak Peek introduces us to Damian Wayne's friend, Goliath. He's a huge were-bat from who knows where. Bat. Ahem. Pardon.

I guess Damain is traveling the world on the back of a bat? Okay. I hope I still like Damian when he's not written by Peter Tomasi and when he isn't trying to get his father's love and approval. This might just be a rich, dick, snobby asshole traveling the world just like every other twenty-something American that believes they're experiencing life and finding themselves and living life way better than all those other people who aren't doing exactly what they're doing. Obviously if you make a choice to live a certain way, that's the best way possible and anybody not doing the same thing is a stupid moron who is wasting their life away.

Damian probably won't be like that. He'll probably just kill people and find more pets for the Batcave. I guess this is what Damian needs to do while Bruce is on vacation with the Joker?

Finally some guy in a mask with lots of eyes spies on Damian while talking to himself about Years of Blood and Atonement and Heroics and Batmans. It might be Nobody but damned if I can remember what the guy actually looked like. He's supposed to be dead but this is Comic Books! So, you know. Death has no place here! I wish I lived in a comic book.