Planetary Loves JLA: Terra Occulta #1 (November 2002)

Why didn't Planetary make the cover of their own comic book?

Planetary/JLA: Terra Occulta (November 2002)
By Warren Ellis, Jerry Ordway, David Baron, and Michael Heisler
Cover by Jerry Ordway
Edited by Kristy Quinn and Scott Dunbier

Is this going to be an addendum to Planetary #10, "Magic and Loss"? Or is this just an "Elseworlds" story that might have happened if Baby Superman wasn't murdered by William Leather and Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm didn't obliterate Alternate Dimension Wonder Woman as soon as she stepped off Paradise Island? Nobody really cares about Green Lantern which is why now Batman's making an appearance. Or, more probably, Batman didn't exist in the regular Planetary series which is how Superman and Wonder Woman and Green Lantern all died. If Bruce Wayne had been around, he would have made sure those things didn't happen. Yes, even Baby Superman being killed. I'm sure Baby Bruce Wayne was already more than capable of saving Baby Superman's whiny ass.

Should I be wondering how William Leather killed Baby Superman when Baby Superman was baby invulnerable? Or is the answer simply, "Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four are basically gods so shut up you virgin douche"? Jesus. Sorry for being curious, whoever gave me that answer!

This issue begins with Wonder Woman writing a letter home to mother while sitting on a park bench and every creep in Gotham stares at her as they go past. I don't know if that was a creepy note in Ellis's script or the creepy way that Jerry Ordway views the world. Or was I supposed to think, "Wonder Woman is so beautiful that men can't resist trying to look up her skirt," and not, "Those men are disgusting perverts. Mostly because they're old men in business suits so you know they're gross and not because they're looking up Wonder Woman's skirt which is a perfectly natural thing to want to do."

Fucking old men. So disgusting!¹

The way you can tell this is an Elseworlds story is that the cars are all air foil hovercrafts like in Richard Bachman's The Running Man. Oh, and also how Wonder Woman is alive enough to write a letter to her mother instead of too dead to write a letter to her mother.

The park bench Wonder Woman's practically flashing her netherparts on isn't actually in Gotham. She's heads to Gotham later through a "Planetary Portal" instead of by train. That gives me a hint about this world being one in which Planetary has taken decisive action to make the world a better place instead of letting Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four destroy it through their influence. Which probably means Batman will be all, "I don't like that there's a shadowy cabal of four godlike figures manipulating the world! I bet we could have a better world if it wasn't for them!" That's called Dramatic Irony because we, the readers, know that if Planetary wasn't in control, Batman's world wouldn't have teleportation and hovercrafts; it would have dead baby Superman and exploded into mist Wonder Woman.

New York is bright and full of creeps in business suits which means it's probably better than Gotham which is dark and full of creeps in moth-eaten clothing and fishnet stockings. So at least that's the same across dimensions.

Is The Drummer following Wonder Woman or Popeye?

Wonder Woman goes to a party thrown by Bruce Wayne where a couple of the guests are discussing an "activation loop" and a "timetrack" and the theory that the loop goes back to the point of activation but another theory surmises that there's actually a secret activation point begun earlier which Bruce Wayne paid for and controls and I'm reading this and I'm thinking, "Is this one panel where these guests are discussing this where Shane Carruth got the idea for Primer?! I'm not even entirely sure what they're talking about but that's probably why my brain, only knowing about the things it knows, thought, "Are they discussing Primer two years before it existed?" Now my brain, being trained on In Search of... and books about weird legends & lore and The X-Files and Dungeons & Dragons and Coast to Coast AM is now thinking, "Was Primer real?"²

Because this is an Elseworlds book where Wonder Woman exists as a non-spray-of-red-mist alongside The Drummer (probably all the rest of Planetary too but I don't have proof of that yet³), the partygoers are probably talking about a device that deals in alternate realities and multiple timelines. Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne maintains a "ghost timeline" which will probably be explained but I'm guessing it's the actual Planetary timeline. If I'm wrong, understand that this is speculation as I read the comic book. Don't be like that asshole who read my New 52 Justice League International annual or whatever where I speculated about potential plot threads not being picked up (and which I mentioned being wrong about by the end!) and comment on this by saying, "What are you? A fucking stupid piece of shit? Didn't you read the solicits which explained that the next issue of Blue Beetle will follow this thread you said they wouldn't follow? Fucking moron. Stupid idiot. You should kill yourself." But if you are going to be like that person, know that I'll use you as an example of one of the dumbest assholes on the planet for the rest of my life.

Wonder Woman's main super power in this reality is attracting weird creeps.

Bruce Wayne played by Phil Hartman.

Bruce does the "I'm a total letch who drinks too much and aggressively hits on every woman I meet" bit to counteract any suspicion that he might be Batman. Just like Clark does the "I'm a total klutz with terrible eyesight whose best friend is a huge nerd" to counter the accusations that he's just Superman with glasses on. I don't know how Diana Prince hides her identity. Maybe it's the "a woman who wears clothes that don't show almost everything" so creeps won't be all, "I recognize the shape of those nipples and the outline of those labia!"

Throughout Bruce and Diana's conversation at the party, the word "wonder" is used about eight thousand times but nary one mention of a bat. Maybe it's just a coincidence that Bruce is all, "I 'wonder' what it would be like to fuck a 'woman' like Diana Prince?" Diana does not respond, "Shameless, Bruce. At least 'bat' an eye while trying to 'man'handle me!" And then Bruce is all, "Let's go back to my place, 'Wonder' 'Woman', so we can secretly meet up with 'Super' 'Man' since I'm 'Bat' 'Man'!", while doing quote fingers around each word. That's when Diana is all, "Oh shit. Sorry, Bruce, my lasso got wrapped around your leg!"

Bruce and Diana are convinced that their acts are fooling the secret rulers of the Earth who have been spying on everybody with spy satellites. But once they slip into Wayne Manor to pretend to fuck, they drop the act because the house is bat-shielded from surveillance. Also, Batman planned this party on the night that Planetary's satellites wind up in a position where a man flying from Metropolis to Gotham cannot be observed for six full minutes. Obviously Planetary is aware of this "mistake" because The Drummer's already on Wonder Woman's tail. Or Popeye's.

Bruce has been investigating Planetary and hacked into their systems to discover some shocking truths that are only slightly different from the actual shocking truths committed by Alternate Dimension Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four in the alternate dimension. Planetary shot Ma and Pa Kent in the back of the head, stole the Kryptonian ship, and flooded Smallville to hide evidence of their involvement. Planetary firebombed Paradise Island just as Wonder Woman left to join Man's World. They dissected Barry Allen to steal his superspeed to use for Planetary's version of Fed-Ex. They murdered Raymond Palmer to steal his shrinking ability to use for medical advancement in micro-surgery. They claimed the Green Lantern ring after they blew the shit out of the wearer in Tunguska. All of these things were done by Planetary to advance technology and help the advancement of the human race⁴.

What are we doing here, Ellis?! Are you trying to make me rethink my feelings toward Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four from the regular series?!

I haven't finished the story⁵ so I can't say exactly what's going on here. I only have the pages so far to go on and Bruce Wayne's point of view. If I believe that Bruce has accurately depicted what's happening then I have to believe that Planetary is no better than Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four when in power. But we know, from the regular series, that that isn't the case. What I suspect is that Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four also existed in this reality but were stopped by Planetary. I suspect that in this reality, Elijah Snow never succumbed to the mental blocks by Dowling and continued to fight them. I believe they stopped Leather from killing Superman. They stopped Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm from killing Wonder Woman. But they did not stop them from killing Barry Allen or Raymond Palmer or Green Lantern. What they did do, probably, was take the information gathered by Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four and used it to make the world a better place. So Bruce only actually has half of the story. The Artemis Project was so secret (and possibly so utterly destroyed by Planetary) that Bruce has found nothing about it. So he can only suspect that Planetary is the cause of all of the evil shit that's befallen people with super powers.

I don't know who killed Bruce's parents in this reality but I'm sure it will be worked into the plot.

Oh, the other option, of course, is that Bruce is exactly right and Planetary without an obvious evil nemesis would itself become corrupt in its power. Or maybe in this reality, Elijah Snow wasn't able to kick Dracula's dick off and was turned into a vampire. Or maybe . . . well, there's just too many maybes to go through, actually. I should probably just read the stupid comic book.

Bruce can't help speaking in DC Comics. "As a 'teen', I was a 'titan' of industry but an 'outsider' in all other ways. I knew to prevent 'doom', I would have to 'patrol' religiously."

The crazy guy from earlier talking about the plot of Primer is a scientist named Erdel working on time travel. While Bruce explains to the others how Erdel began working on time travel, Ellis drops an idea that I used to talk about a lot. I think it's a thing that to Ellis and anybody who has thought about it, it seems obvious so Ellis doesn't waste any time really going into it. But it's an idea that I only ever saw become mainstream for a blip of a moment when Patton Oswalt re-Tweeted somebody who mentioned it on Twitter as if it were the first time anybody had ever thought of it.

Technically the bomb would have been in front of the Earth if moved through time. Idiot.⁶

Obviously a time machine would also have to be a space craft. Or be programmed with some kind of momentum to wind up in the correct place in space where Earth would be at that time. Imagine sending a monkey back in time and at the exact same moment something enters the Earth's atmosphere and explodes in a great fireball. Coincidence or did the monkey sent back into deep space float around for fifty years until Earth caught up to it and crashed into it? Is all that Russian dash cam footage of objects exploding in the sky as they enter Earth's atmosphere actual evidence of time travel?! Probably!

When the league trying to get justice enter Erdel's lab, they find he's already started up his time machine while muttering, "Bastards! I'll show you!"

Is he talking about the bullies that gave him so many swirlies as a kid that his hair wound up in permanent Einstein disarray?

Planetary calmly watches from space as Erdel's machine blacks out half of Gotham. It then runs out of control to bring a Martian from seventy-five million years out of the past. Several ammonites drop out of its ass as it curses its own Martian god. It begins to suffocate since it's shapeshifted to breathe the atmosphere of a very different prehistoric Earth. As the alien lies dying, Ambrose Chase teleports in to see what's going on. He seems surprised to find Clark Kent there. Maybe a little scared too.

Superman manages to push Ambrose Chase into Erdel's time loop and then Bruce shuts down the machine with a Waynearang. After that, the "league" seeking "justice" use Ambrose's teleporter to travel to Planetary's base on the moon. Mere seconds after arriving, Clark is ejected into space where he can't fly or breathe. Elijah threatens the others that they'll get the same if they don't tell him where Ambrose is. As if anybody knows where Ambrose is. Probably floating in space somewhere slowing down time so that his last breath might last an eternity.

Diana runs around the base until she finds trophy evidence that Planetary is as terrible as Alternate Dimension Fantastic Four.

They've been 'incorporated' in stasis cells to the ends of 'infinity'.

I say "stasis cells" but obviously Hal Jordan has taken one to the dome so it's probably more like jars full of formaldehyde.

Jakita explains to Diana Prince that in this dimension Jakita basically is just an insert for Alternate Dimension Nazi Sue Storm, Kim Süskind. She's all, "We're genetically better than everybody else and your island's science and socialist belief in community wasn't welcome in our world. So I had to destroy it and now I'll destroy you." But while Jakita speaks, Diana manages to remove all of her clothes. That's when I'm all, "Oh! I recognize the outline of those labia! Wonder Woman!"

While the women fight, Bruce Wayne finally gets to reveal what drove him to becoming Wayneman.

Dun dun DUN!

Is this issue going to end with Elijah Snow waking up in a cold sweat and thinking, "Whew! We have to be extremely careful not to become the Four ourselves!"?

When Elijah Snow confronts Bruce Wayne, he says, "This is the human adventure. And your not all good enough to come along." I think that's exactly what one of The Four says in the regular series. You know, just to make sure the readers understand what's going on here and why Bruce Wayne gets to be the good guy even going up against Planetary. But also, this is why this is an Elseworlds book!

Bruce defeats Elijah but then Elijah is all, "I know you can't kill and you'll have to kill me to be safe!" But Elijah forgot this is an Elseworlds title and Batman can often kill in Elseworlds titles. But also Wonder Woman defeated Jakita off-panel and then came over to help Bruce kill Elijah because, you know, Elijah was right. Bruce can't kill. I mean, he did just kill Elijah by subduing him and then not telling Wonder Woman to not kill him. But at least he didn't get his hands covered in blood. The semantics of being able to say you don't kill are really all that's important. Batman can be responsible for the deaths of thousands of people but as long as he can say he hasn't killed anybody and have that be technically true to the most pedantic of assholes, everything's right with the world.

I mean, Clark's dead but who fucking cares, I guess?

The Ranking!
A fun little Justice League book that was probably meant to be, "What if the Justice League had to deal with The Four because Planetary didn't exist?" But nobody would know what the fuck "The Four/Justice League" would have been about. It's more fun to just pit Bruce, Diana, and Clark against Elijah, Jakita, and Ambrose. And I guess The Drummer although what the fuck happened to him? I assume he was either caught by Diana as he followed her, murdered, and shoved into a dumpster. Or he actually was following Popeye and that's a whole different story. Did Ellis ever write it?! I don't have the Batman/Planetary book. Am I also missing the Planetary/Popeye jam?!


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Goddammit! I just hurt my own feelings!
² Another conspiracy theory: older men's brains get super fried by conspiracy theories because they have less interruptions from their penis which normally balances how long they can think about something which cuts off the brain's ability to convince itself of truly stupid shit. So males are generally too perverse, sexist, and horny, or they're fucked up freaks who have lost the tether on reality. This especially takes hold when society has gotten so off-balance according to gender power dynamics that men can't help thinking that, just because they're men, they're the rational ones. This leads to them believing any thought that goes through their head because why would a great intelligent, logical, and rational mind think an irrational thought? The evidence of my theory is the current state of America in 2026.
³ I'm not counting Ambrose, Elijah, and Jakita on the back cover because those are spoilers for weak people who read back covers.
⁴ And line their pockets, probably.
⁵ Sure, I've finished it before. But by not remembering anything that I experience, it's like I haven't actually finished it.
⁶ Even as I call Bruce Wayne an idiot here, I've got that "I'm too old to be 100% sure about anything" feeling nagging at the back of my head that I've completely fucked this up. But if the bomb goes into the past, Earth would be further back along its orbit at that point in time. The bomb would end up in space where Earth would be in the future. So the bomb would be pumped "in front" of Earth. Right?! Am I the idiot?!

The Adventures of Superman #499 (February 1993)

Was Superman known for his love of falconry?

I read a lot of stuff. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the toilet (which usually isn't long because I'm really efficient with my bowel movements, generally. But sometimes, you need some patience), I just grab some bottle or box out of the bathroom cabinet or pantry and read the label. Today, I grabbed a bottle called "Dr. Bronner's Siberian Fir & Spruce Sal Suds Biodegradable Cleaner". The Non-Certified Spouse is currently in another state and I can't ask her immediately where she bought it but if I had to guess, it was at Schizophrenics 'R' Us. What grabbed my attention was that every section of the label is filled with writing, some horizontal and some vertical, so you have to turn the bottle to read it. It looks exactly like when a schizophrenic puts there thoughts down on paper. Every empty space covered by the smallest font imaginable. And after reading the label, my instincts were confirmed. I hate to use the term "nuts" because we all have a variety of mental illness issues to varying degrees but I think "cuckoo" might be too insensitive. Of course, Dr. Bronner has made it work for him so no judgments from me! Plus I'm not schizophrenic but I have read Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark's book, The Eden Express, which details quite well how a trip on LSD mirrors schizophrenia and I have done loads of LSD so I'm probably nearly an expert to speak on being schizophrenic. That's how it works, right?

Anyway, here's the opening line (I think it's the opening line? It's at the top of the label and in bold font) of Dr. Bronner's rant or manifesto or thesis:

Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! Teach the Moral ABC that unites all mankind free, instantly 6 billion strong & we're All-One! "Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One!"

Following that opening 16 "absolutes" that Dr. Bronner begins by stating they're "From Confucius' Absolutes". I have my doubts that Dr. Bronner got his "absolutes" from Confucius but since I've never read Confucius, I can't say for certain. It's just a hunch based on the contents of his absolutes. Let me quote #2 here:

2. It is an absolute full truth that everybody in God's tremendous universe must eat or there is no body! To shine on, eat must even the Sun, consuming every second on its surface meteoric matter 100,000 tons! Exceptions? Absolute none!

But the absolutes aren't the weirdest part! The cake gets taken by the lines placed vertically that explain the history of the company. It begins normal enough, I suppose.

From '29 to '44, soapmaker-master-chemist Bronner built 3 American soap plants, trained 9 chemists, licensed 6 of 53 patents for $60,000!

A little awkward, sure, but if written on a normal label and left at that, nobody would even pay it much attention. But then the second line is all, "Oh, you thought you bought soap from a person without schizophrenia? Oh how wrong you were, consumer!"

But after '44, after losing father-mother-wife, almost his own life, tortured-blinded, he deeded to African astronomer Israel's 6000 year great All-One-God-Faith all of his patents, plants, products, profits, 4 new industries: Planetemples & "Town Without Toothache" potassium-soda industry giving mankind a new Mineral-Seasoning, Barley Malt Sweetener, Corn-Sesame-Chips, Balanced Bouillon, Sal Suds & 'Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps'.

I really wasn't planning on transcribing this whole label (and I won't! I just did one of the sixteen Absolutes! I'm just going to finish this biography) but I am absolutely fucking fascinated by this thing. How many people are buying this stuff and just not reading the incredibly tiny and off-putting type just plastered all over the label?! Anyway, here's the final bit of Dr. Bronner's secret history which he decided should end in a poem that, I guess, equates to Philip K. Dick's pink laser piercing his brain?

In '74, after father-mother-wife murdered, ourself tortured-blinded, we wrote this poem: To keep my health! To do my work! To love, to live! To see to it I gain & grow & give & give! Never to look behind me for an hour! Never to wait in weakness nor to brag in power! Always working, searching for more truth, more light! Always writing, teaching what I found good & right! Robbed-starved-beaten-blinded, wide astray! Back with the full-truth I've gained, back to the way. Smile, help teach the whole Human race, the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith, Lightning-like strong & we're All-One!

Fucking magnificent! Dr. Bronner, wherever you are, beaten, starved, blinded but not down, no way, I just want to say: I fucking love you, man! But also, speaking as a tourist in the schizophrenic brain space, maybe check in on some medication because while it all looks connected and True when the brains chemicals are zigging and zagging in ways they never were meant to be, it's all nonsense once your mind returns to regular chemical functions. Sure, I get it! Normal brain = boring brain. Regular brain chemistry = no magical mystical beautiful All-One connected world! But you're probably exhausted by the connections, dude. Although, really, I can't fault you and maybe I just want to bring you down because I can't always remain where you are, seeing what isn't but possibly could (or should!) be. Why should I think the non-LSD, zero-schizophrenia brain sees reality better than the Everything is Connected brain of the tripping or mentally ill? I can't! Plus, why would I want to ask Dr. Bronner to change his ways when he puts this at the bottom of the main label:

In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE!

And with Dr. Bronner's last thought, we're basically in the mind of Superman and back to the comic! See? It is all connected!

I love Tom Grummett's choice of perspective on this page.

Last issue ended with Westfield, the leader of Cadmus, and a crew robbing the grave of Superman. This issue begins with the revelation that Lex Luthor filled Superman's grave with heat detectors and infrared monitors but no cameras for some reason. The reason could be that it was 1993 and Lex didn't want to be known as the Margaret Thatcher of Metropolis by filling every space with CCTV cameras. But he also built in a backdoor tunnel leading to the crypt that he could use for, well, you know what a tunnel into a crypt that contains only a corpse would probably be used for. He has sent Supergirl to investigate.

Supergirl discovers Superman's coffin is missing and a hole has been drilled into his tomb. She follows the hole hoping to find Superman alive and well and maybe a vampire which is why he still needs the coffin?

Later, this guy takes a jab at this other guy while I think about Oreos and boobies.

I'm not really interested in stories about Superman's D-List characters so I'm really not paying too much attention to the Gangbuster stuff. I doubt his story will be significant anyway since Gangbuster doesn't become one of the leads in Reign of the Supermen. I don't think. I never did read that!

I'd say I don't recognize about 40% of the characters in this story. I was definitely one of the people DC was thinking about when they decided to kill Superman. "There's a bunch of stupid nerds out there not buying any of our multiple Superman titles! We've tried everything to attract them to his stories and yet nothing! What do they want from us? Blood?!" And it worked! For a little bit What they didn't plan on was how the non-Superman lovers were less like Audrey II. A few drops did appease us and then we stopped buying the comics and everything was back to status quo and DC didn't keep murdering more and more heroes to keep our attention. I mean, they broke Batman's back but who wasn't already reading Batman and all his alternate titles?! So much better than Superman!

Clark had a cat named Elroy?! Why didn't DC highlight this character instead of stupid non-feline Gangbuster?!

There's not much more to the story since Elroy only makes about three panels. Bibbo and Gangbuster fight some drug dealers. Turpin loses his pants in a fight with the Underworlders. Supergirl fails to find Superman's body. And that's about it. This issue's main goal was to make sure a bunch of different characters found out Superman's body had gone missing. And that's about it.

The Adventures of Superman #499 Rating: C-. This issue feels like the one editorial chose to not advance the story because they plotted the story out beforehand and only really needed seven issues to tell it. But they felt they needed to include every Superman title an equal amount of times which meant each of the four had to appear twice. It's also possible that they needed less than seven issues to tell the story and one of the next three will also tell nearly zero story. Of course, if I were a fan of Superman and all of the characters that appear in orbit around his main stories, this issue would have been fine because I enjoy character driven stories that don't necessarily drive the plot forward. I'm not one of those people who would watch an episode of Lost that didn't drive the mystery forward because it spent the entire episode with Hurley fixing up a VW van and finding a nice golfing spot. I remember people getting all worked up at The Walking Dead whenever they would tell a tangential story in the midst of some major conflict. As long as an episode or issue has something to say, either about the character or the world or the ongoing mystery or whatever, I'm usually pretty happy about it. But since I don't give a fuck about Turpin or Gangbuster or Bibbo (sometimes I might act like I care about Bibbo but, deep down, he could have his skull crushed by Mercy Graves' thighs and I wouldn't give a shit. My penis would (because of Mercy's thighs and not because of Bibbo's exploding head!) but my brain would be all, "Good. Who cares? What's going on with Elroy?") but I'll forget anything they did in this issue in about five to ten minutes.

The Adventures of Superman #498 (January 1993)

How many days did they just leave Superman's body lying in the street?

Either The Daily Planet printed off an extra edition sensationalizing the Doomsday attack while the attack was still going on or Superman's body, possibly too heavy to move, has been left for at least a day on the streets of Metropolis like a piece of garbage. Perhaps the edition of this paper was explained in the previous issue of the story, Superman #75, where Superman died. But I have no idea which short box my Death of Superman comic book has been stored so I'll have to read it later when I stumble upon it. By then, I'll have totally forgotten about this shot of Superman lying amid papers which had to have either been published after he died or while he was still currently battling Doomsday which, you know, seems pretty insensitive. As if the New York Times printed an edition of their paper before the second plane had hit the second tower.

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen missing out on several Pulitzers.

Get out your camera, dumb-dumb!

Jimmy Olsen might think it's disrespectful to snap shots of Lois cradling a dead Superman in her arms but he'll think differently after Perry White calls him every rude name in the American, British and possibly Spanish Dictionary for missing this shot. Although it's possible he already snapped it in Superman #75! How can I know since Past Me can't figure out how to organize his old comic books?

This seems to be the immediate aftermath of Superman's battle with Doomsday so I'm not sure why the editor is telling readers to read Justice League #70 first when that one takes place some time later when Ice is out of the hospital (again!) and somebody has already created black armbands to show they're mourning. Perhaps Batman already had boxes of Superman's Dead Armbands lying around the batcave. He probably has boxes for every hero, especially Aquaman.

Lois and Jimmy can't actually tell if Superman's dead or alive because you probably can't feel his heartbeat through his invulnerable skin. Besides, his resting heartrate is probably a fraction of a beat per minute. And does he even need to really breathe? How often do you think Lois wakes up at night and pokes him with a bit of Kryptonite just to make sure he's still alive? Oh shit! Could you imagine Superman with sleep apnea? I bet his snoring would vibrate Lois's skull until it was soup.

Bloodwynd (who can read minds because he's J'onn even though nobody knows that yet) and Dubbilex assure everybody that they can find no signs of brain activity which indicates he's either dead or Guy Gardner. And since he hasn't honked Lois's tits yet as she cradles him, he's not Guy. The Metropolis Special Crimes Unit aren't sure if Doomsday is dead either so they go about their special military safety protocols to determine if he's still alive.

Their protocols are the same as any six year old with a stick.

Dubbilex decides to read Doomsday's mind and decides Doomsday must be dead because he's not angry anymore. Lois, on the other hand, refuses to believe that Superman is dead because what do any of these idiots know about Kryptonian biology? He might just be in a really deep coma as his body recovers from the near-mortal injuries and will come back to life in just a few months! Jimmy tries to point out that she's being hysterical and we're almost saddled with a Death of Jimmy Olsen issue.

Also Lois was right from the very first minute but all the "extremely rational and logical" men were all, "Stop being so emotional! He's dead, Lois!" Fucking men.

Speaking of men fucking, The Guardian decides this is his chance to go for it.

Gross.

I don't think that's gross because Superman is dead. It's gross because Superman's a guy. No wait. Strike that. Reverse it. It is because Superman's dead. Whew! I saved my reputation by the skin of my teeth!

Just for transparency's sake, Cat Grant also tries to tell Lois Superman's dead and Cat isn't a man. Although she is Lois's biggest career rival and jealous of Lois getting to stroke that fat Superman dick. Cat suggests maybe STAR Labs can help Superman but Lois, not listening to Cat Grant as usual, screams that somebody should do something to help Superman. So maybe STAR Labs could have helped but Cat's suggestion was ignored.

The EMTs arrive, shove The Guardian off of Superman, and get to work working on a body that they don't understand at all. But hey, what is it to be human if not blundering into a situation believing you know what you're doing?

"Hey, I don't feel a pulse on this alien's incredibly hard and rigid neck! And The Guardian couldn't feel him breathe while he was kissing him! Maybe zap him with the shock paddles in the place we'd normally shock a human whose heart was fibrillating!"

This defibrillator probably messed up Kal-el's healing process which is why we wound up with Red and Blue Superman. I mean, unless there's a different explanation later. How should I know?! This is the only run of Superman I've ever read and I stopped after Funeral for a Friend!

During the chaos of the aftermath of Doomsday's attack, Lex Luthor finds his way to the streets to collect the disgusting alien creature he calls Supergirl. He cradles the gray mass of ungenitaled flesh gently, picks the thing up in his bulging Australian arms, and takes whatever it is back to Lex Tower to, I don't know, fuck it? What is Supergirl anyway?! Did Lex create her? Is she his alien waifu?

Meanwhile, the EMTs continue to be stupid.

Did these guys do their training at the Victor Frankenstein School of Medicine?

Jimmy Olsen realizes Superman needs a doctor that's actually examined him in the past when he was healthy. But Lois is all, "Superman was a man so he never went to a doctor! Although he was examined once by Kitty Faulkner at STAR Labs. Hopefully for medical reasons, that slut!" Meanwhile, Cat Grant is all, "Where's that fucking stupid klutz, Clark? Shouldn't he be here doing his job?" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah! Stupid Clark! Where is that jerk? Can't even do his job correctly! Total failure!" And Lois is all, "**SOBS HYSTERICALLY**"

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Kent, apparently unable to watch the battle on television, distracted themselves by completely changing their outfits and redecorating their television room.

Maybe Ma didn't fight off Pa's advances like I thought she had and they got naked, fucked, broke the couch, put on a change of clothes, and retired to their alternate television room?


This is what they were up to during the huge televised battle between their son and Doomsday.

Cadmus makes off with Doomsday's body but Dan Turpin, Maggie Sawyer, and The Guardian refuse to let them take Superman. There's a bit of interdisciplinary violence before Cadmus backs off and leaves Superman with the "good" guys. The "good" guys, understanding nothing about how a defibrillator works other than what they've seen in the movie Flatliners concoct a massively powerful set of paddles to shock Superman back to life. It doesn't work although maybe it does work but they don't know it? I have a feeling this moment probably helped so that Bibbo and The Guardian and these other nobodies can be seen as heroes later.

Later at the Daily Planet, everybody is all, "Don't worry, Lois! Clark may be among the missing now but he'll show up like always!" And then Lois sobs even more and Jimmy walks her home.

The Adventures of Superman #498 Rating: B. By the end of this issue, Superman's body is still lying in the street while Perry White and the rest of the Daily Planet are busy putting a paper together so maybe a newspaper can get a paper out quicker than anybody can move Superman's body? Doomsday's body has been hauled off for scrap already though. Probably a good thing Cadmus didn't get Superman as well because then he'd come back to life with all of his organs outside his body and a nasty scar straight up his chest and abdomen. Somebody really should have hauled Doomsday's body into the sun although I don't know who could have done it now that Superman's dead. I guess Guy Gardner. Or Doctor Fate could maybe have teleported him there. I suppose the editor wanted readers to read Justice League #70 first because it's a good tribute to Superman just after he died even if it's not in the correct chronological order for the plot. Or DC just wanted to make sure everybody bought more comic books. As if killing off Superman wasn't causing DC to sell maximum comic books at this point anyway. If only The Death of Superman issue had been drawn by Rob Liefeld! Can you imagine how many copies that would have sold in the '90s?! So many! Also imagine how many pouches Doomsday would have had on his costume! So many!

The Adventures of Superman #497 (December 1992)

Somebody suggested Supes could defeat Doomsday by using his head and Superman was all, "I'm stupid!"

Am I missing something? Does Superman have some sort of Super-back-of-the-head explosion power? Is this a reference to one issue from 1962 by Gardner Fox where Superman discovers this weird-ass super power by leaning back in Perry's chair with the headrest at the Daily Planet and bringing the entire building down with his Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion? Or — and I suspect this is more to the point because even if Superman has Super-ventriloquism, there's no way he has a Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion — was Superman simply all out of ideas so he decided his best chance at stopping Doomsday would be ramming his entire body into a creature that's tough enough to hit him harder than he's every been hit before with the weakest point on Superman's entire body, his neck? After this moment, Superman should have finished the fight with his head lolling back and forth across his shoulders, chest, and back.

Or maybe Superman's X-ray vision told him that Doomsday's biggest weakness was his tum-tum?

The previous part of this story ended with Superman chasing after Doomsday and leaving a family of three to burn to death. On purpose. He could have saved them and then chased after Doomsday but he remembered hearing Booster Gold say, "Doomsday is faster than The Flash!", and Superman panicked. Plus he's probably hung around Batman so much during JLA meetings that he's bought into the argument that it's not his fault if somebody he could have saved dies. "If a manslaughter conviction wouldn't hold up in court, I'm not morally culpable," Batman would say defensively before anybody else said anything at all after Batman had just broken the femurs of eighteen henchmen, leaving them to bleed out in a filthy alley. Henchmen who only took the job with The Riddler to feed their starving children in an economy ruined by Wayne Enterprises.

Dude's got so many different super powers, he forgot about his super breath.

It's hard to blame Superman for his incompetence because it's so much easier to blame the writers for their incompetence. Every reader knows that Superman could have easily saved this family without slowing him down in his pursuit of Doomsday. The real fault lies in the story being broken up just at the point where the boy's family were about to burn because any team of writers and editors could never resist making that a major cliffhanger between issues. "What if Superman has to choose between saving the boy's family and pursuing Doomsday?" some editor said while calculating how much money they were all going to make by killing off Superman. "But Superman could easily blow out the fire with his super breath just as he sped off after Doomsday," suggested a writer who doesn't like money and was told to shut the fuck up with his stupid suggestions that would lead to no extra drama and conflict.

Superman realizes that the key to saving this kid's family and stopping Doomsday somehow comes down to the fact that Doomsday leaps but doesn't fly. "A-ha! I've got it," thinks Superman as I begin to spiral into a tornado of thoughts trying to rationalize Superman's power of flight against the laws of physics. "Doomsday has to obey all natural laws," thinks Superman, "whereas I basically have magic powers!" Somehow that's the answer to all of Superman's current problems. I'll figure out what he means when I get back to reading the comic book but I'm sure the answer will somehow be that Superman throw Doomsday to the ground and while Doomsday is beginning to leap again, Superman will have time to fly back, help the family, and then continue to pursue Doomsday. A solution much more stupid than just having saved the family before flying after Doomsday. Which I acknowledge is a dumb solution if your main intent is to create drama which — let's face Superman facts — is hard to due when you're writing a character that's all-powerful and invulnerable and basically God.

Superman shoves Doomsday into the silt at the bottom of a lake which should stall Doomsday long enough for Superman to get back to the family. Just in time to see Bloodwynd save them but to take the credit himself.

Remember, Bloodwynd is actually Martian Manhunter so he just about died saving this family from a fire that Superman could have put out with a Super Fart as he flew off to chase Doomsday.

I shouldn't be so hard on Superman. Just because he can Super Fart, it doesn't mean he can do it on command! Not many people can!

People who also could have saved Mitch's family by the time Superman got back: the Emergency Medical Team and firefighters who have already arrived by the time Superman came back. Ice who has been fawning over the nearly dead Guy Gardner and who, get this, has frozen water powers which, I'm thinking, could have been used against fire. But it's better that Superman come back to save the mother and her child because it's his comic book. That means it's his responsibility.

Meanwhile, Doomsday has defeated the mud at the bottom of the lake and destroyed a military helicopter in the time it took Superman to get back to him. But Superman has learned a valuable lesson from the nearly burnt-to-death family: save the innocent bystanders while Doomsday's on the downward trajectory of his gravity rainbow.

Mr. Destructo. Man, why didn't Superman get to name Doomsday?! Why did everybody go with Booster's nickname?!

So this is why Superman hasn't been thinking clearly and nearly got a family killed! He's been trying to come up with his own name for Doomsday that will stick! Half of his brain power is being used to think up a name for this monster because he's upset that Booster came up with a cool name for this guy immediately. Clark Kent knows it's too soon for Doomsday to stick. If he can get ahead of this and get the name "Mr. Destructo" into a quick Daily Planet article, he'll have scooped Booster Gold and probably get a thumbs up from Batman! All he has to do is get to a computer and type up an article during Mr. Destructo's next leap!

Superman forgets about Mr. Destructo being at his mercy where inertia is involved so he doesn't grab Mr. Destructo and drag him into outer space. Or maybe Superman's simply scared to grapple with this monster because the monster is so strong? Whatever the reason, Superman decides to brawl with him at ground level and destroy half the town of Kirby. Most of the brawl involves Superman having to save all the people nearly killed as a result of the brawl. Luckily, Maxima returns from having ambulanced Blue Beetle to a nearby hospital.

Meanwhile in Metropolis:

What the fuck?

I wasn't paying enough attention to understand how it happened but it looks like Lois caught wind of Booster calling the creature Doomsday. Booster named him that in Justice League #69 (hee hee) but I already packed it away and don't feel like dragging it out just to see how Booster's name caught on so fast. But if Lois is already referring to the monster as Doomsday, Clark Kent doesn't have a hope in hell of getting his Mr. Destructo moniker going. Also, somehow, Steve Lombard calls it Doomsday in a breaking news event that happens just as Lois and Turtle Boy are heading out on their assignment to cover Superman's death.

Back to the battle between Maxima, Superman, and Mr. Destructo, we learn that battle causes Maxima to gush like a smashed gas pump.

Now I'm as hard as a street light set to throbbing by a Maxima-shaped cock ring.

Man, I wish I had an image to show this over-the-top sexual metaphor that's going to lead to an enormous climax! You know what? I do!

Oh man. I'm about to explode!

Superman, Maxima, and Mr. Destructo also explode. But Mr. Destructo doesn't need any recovery time and he stomps off toward Metropolis and Supes and Maxima take a little post-coital nappy. The Guardian pulls up on his moped some time later to ask Superman, "Was all of this destruction necessary?" And Superman is all, "The guy's name is Mr. Destructo! What did you expect?!" It's at that moment that The Guardian has to give Superman the bad news: the media is already calling the creature Doomsday. He was too late! But at least Superman learned how to defeat the creature that couldn't be defeated by Superman with the help of dozens of other heroes!

Oh, okay. It was all the other heroes getting in the way. That seems like an, um, reasonable conclusion.

The Adventures of Superman #497 Rating: B. Superman learns a valuable lesson in this issue: you cannot count on your friends. Unless the lesson he actually learned because he's not as cynical as me was that he needed to protect his friends and since we've seen Mr. Destructo has the ability to kick the shit out of all of them, he realizes he can't ask anybody else to risk their lives against this creature. It's weird because the lesson heroes usually learn is that they're better together. But sometimes you have to learn that your friends are full of weak sauce and if you're going to die saving the world, it's better that you don't drag them all along with you because then DC wouldn't have any comic book issues on the shelves after they all die. Except maybe the new Turtle Boy.

Tarantula! (as seen in Green Arrow #44)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Jonathan Law
Occupation: Mystery Novelist [Is he a novelist or isn't he?! It's a mystery!]
Marital Status: Single [Duh.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: All-Star Squadron
Base of Operations: New York City [I wonder if he ever runs into Spider-man?]
First Appearance: STAR-SPANGLED COMICS #1
Height: 5'10" Weight: 180 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Blond

HISTORY
Intrigued by the costumed crimefighters who had begun appearing in the late 1930s, best-selling mystery writer Jonathan Law began doing research for a non-fiction book about such "mystery-men." In the course of his research [Let me guess! Bitten by a radioactive tarantula!], Law interviewed Dian Belmont in the summer of 1941 about her association with the original Sandman (see Sandman I). Belmont gave Law a sketch of a new costume she had designed for the Sandman which she doubted he would ever wear [Did superheroes not know about NDAs back in the forties?] After having written about crimefighting for years, Law decided to become a costumed crimefighter himself and decided to wear the costume in his mystery-man role [Sure. Why not? Writing about something is equitable to doing that thing. Why not steal somebody else's design and use it as your own? I guess the only thing Jonathan Law knew about the law was how to spell it.].

Inspired by his pet tarantula [You know how inspiring arachnids can be. "You can do it!" the Inspirational Arachnid says on his probably already exists Tumblr blog because people are stupid idiots for creatures saying inane inspirational, feel-good quotes.] Law had decided to take the name Tarantula [Sure, why not steal his pet's identity as well as Sandman's costume?] and, in keeping with this spider theme, devised a "web-gun" [Why do those quotes disturb me so much? What sticky substance is actually in that "web-gun"?] and suction discs for his boots that would enable him to walk up walls. He entrusted his loyal housekeeper Olga with the secret of his double identity [Mostly because Jonathan couldn't sew and he needed somebody to sew his costume using the stolen designs.]

A few days after Law's meeting wth Belmont, Olga finished making the [Trademark infringing] costume. That night, since the Sandman was out of town, Belmont donned his original costume to investigate a case of sabotage, only to be killed by a Nazi agent [People have no Goddamn respect for patents and trademarks, do they? Now the public is going to think that the Sandman sucks at his job. His reputation is ruined. Also they all think he's dead.]. Tarantula then attacked the Nazi agents, and was joined by the Sandman [Yeah but in what costume?! Tarantula is wearing his new design and Belmont is lying dead in his old one!], who was wearing a costume based on Belmont's sketch [So Tarantula and Sandman were twinsies?]. Together, they overcame the saboteurs [You know, the Nazi agents.].

Tarantula made his first public appearance soon afterwards when he defeated thieves who had robbed an audience at a Broadway theater. Reporting the incident, a radio announcer referred to the new hero as both a "Tarantula" and a "Spider Man!" [In other words, "Fuck you, Marvel!" See? Nobody respects patents and trademarks!]

Tarantula joined the wartime All-Star Squadron (see All-Star Squadron [If you want to be bored out of your mind.]), and soon afterwards adopted a new costume, feeling that Belmont had intended hers for the Sandman [Really? Fucking really?! I think the "feeling" in this sentence was actually a "cease and desist" from Sandman's lawyers.] Law also continued doing research for his book on mystery-men [So he could out everybody? I have a feeling nobody on the All-Star Squadron really liked this asshole.]

Tarantula's whereabouts and activities after 1942 are unknown [Although in 1962, he reappears in Marvel Comics!], but his book on mystery-men, Altered Egos, was published in the 1960s [Probably posthumously after the other Squadron members figured out what he was up to.].

POWERS & WEAPONS
Tarantula has no super-powers but is a superb hand-to-hand combatant. He is also a skilled acrobat [Of course he is. What writer isn't?]

Tarantula's web-gun shoots a sticky wet "web-line" [There are those quotes again! Gross.] with which he can ensnare [And possibly impregnate] criminals. His boots have small suction cups which enable him to walk up walls.

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #2

This chessboard has too many squares.

Why hadn't I noticed before? Convegence is just one big game of Heroclix.

If this battle mattered at all, I'd root for Jonah Hex. But since it doesn't matter and the comic book will simply end with an earthquake and everybody standing around awkwardly like it's Thanksgiving at my family's house and my mother just screamed from the kitchen that dad was an impotent asshole. The end?

I'm going to read this comic book but I really don't care about it. I'd rather be playing video games or thinking about writing things that I'll never actually get around to writing.

This issue begins like so many others that I'm going to repeat myself like so many other reviews. The team heads into the fight pondering the ethics of fighting a battle in which innocent lives will be wiped out no matter who wins. It's just different characters with different costumes having the discussion. But if you're a fan of these particular costumes on these particular people, you probably don't mind that these words have pretty much been said by every other character in DC Comics' history over the last two months. Go Infinity Inc! Be bland and repetitive!

The fight begins. Yay.

Redbeard? Enh, close enough.

The battle takes place in that way that comic book battles with too many characters on either side takes place. A few panels of each character getting the better of another character done in such a way that the reader can't really tell if anybody at any point has any kind of an advantage. Luckily the earthquake hits and everybody stops fighting for no reason other than this story needs to have an unsatisfying conclusion at some point.

Because comic book characters are well known for never giving up until that point where they just kind of shrug their shoulders and agree with their opponents that they're all willing to die together.

As Infinity Inc. leaves Hex's Atlanta on good terms with Hex and his minions, Atlanta is replaced by a huge mushroom cloud as all of the nuclear power plants that were damaged in the earthquake explode. Brainwave Jr. is all, "We have to go back and help! It was saving their lives that brought us all together!" But Doctor Fate appears and says, "Those people no longer matter to the plot. Let them die now. I have exciting news for you! You can drop the stupid Infinity name because you're now all members of the Justice Society of America!"

No it doesn't it.

All the members of Infinity Inc. are ecstatic about becoming the Justice Society of America for some reason. None of the original JSA members will still be on the team. It's just going to be Infinity Inc. with a name change. Why fucking bother? Thanks for throwing them a bone, old men! Instead of having all of the members of Infinity Inc. celebrate the offer to let them join, Obsidian should have yelled, "Hey Justice Society! You can take your Justice and your Society and shove 'em straight up your ass!" And then he should have thrown an open beer can at them.

Convegence: Infinity Inc. #2 Rating: Four Post-Apocalyptic Mongrels out of Ten. Every issue I read gets worse than the previous one because they're all so fucking alike. Convergence, you were a boring turd.

Divergence: Batgirl
"Batgirl is always on the front lines of the fight against the dark side of Gotham's tech scene -- but the mind of Barbara Gordon is superior to any software!"

Okay. Thanks, incomprehensible tagline.

Batgirl battles computer nerds and wins handily with Frankie's support via Bluetooth. It's a totally modern comic book because it's all about video games, see? Totally not like every comic book story that put a hero inside a real live video game. This plot is totally new and modern and hip and groovy and hasn't been recycled over the last thirty years. The most unrealistic part of the story is that Batgirl needs a cheat code to win and that she didn't have to go to YouTube to figure out the code. Although she does have that Eye-Tic-Tac Memory of hers so maybe she knew the code was based on the speech the CEO of the company gave which Batgirl saw out of the corner of her eye on Frankie's laptop while Barbara did laundry.

I know I liked the new Batgirl before Convergence but I think it's over now! I can't wait to make fun of it for trying too hard and not knowing that it's so over that can't even.

Convergence: Infinity Inc. #1

I remember this issue!

About three in the morning, my downstairs neighbors began arguing with each other. Apparently the guy tried to slip his dick into her ass while they were fucking and she wasn't having any of it. At first I thought it was just my view of the world that made me interpret what I was hearing as an argument about buttsecks but then she said a few things that confirmed it like "It hurts!" and "You don't get it. You put your body inside of my body!" and "I have never had anything up there! I should know! It's my body!" and, most particularly, "Don't stick it in my ass!" His voice was just a deep rumble so I couldn't hear him but it seems like he was trying to convince her to go with it and then thought maybe the way to get her to say yes was to point out how other guys have fucked her in the ass which, according to her vehement reaction, wasn't true. At one point I thought I might have to either throw on some pants and go down to make sure she was okay or call the cops but she never sounded frightened just thoroughly pissed off at him. It was when I could finally hear him say, "You're my girlfriend! I'm not trying to rape you! I could go to jail!" (because that, of course, is the only reason not to rape, amirite?!) that I realized I might actually have to get involved. But she, still sounding firmly in control, loudly and forcefully told him to get out of her apartment three or four times after each of his mumbles. Then the door slammed and that was it. I'm sure they've already called each other this morning and made up. They yell at each other a lot between bouts of sex. Seems like a fun couple!

Seems to me that if you ever have to convince your partner that you're not trying to rape them, you're probably an asshole.

The issue begins with some people watching a performance of The Tempest. Why does it always seem to be that play which writers choose to use in their stories? It's probably the play I'm least familiar with. Although this time I get it! The players are transported to and trapped on a crazy island! Just like the characters in Earth-2 Metropolis have been trapped under a dome! And some guy named Caliban is important for some reason or other!

Oh! And if I didn't get it, the Silver Scarab points it out for me! Thanks, Hector!

The entire team has gathered to watch Jade's performance as Miranda. That's heavy handed as well because, you see, Miranda is a daughter and Jade is also a daughter! I don't know if I can remember the names of all of the Infinity Inc kids. I remember Sylvester Pemberton as the Star Spangled Kid and Starman's kid. And Hector Hall as the Silver Scarab and Hawkman's kid. And Hippolyta Hall (unless she wasn't married to Hector yet) as Fury and Wonder Woman's kid. And Todd Rice as Obsidian and Green Lantern's kid. And Jade Scott (except her first name was something else (and also her last name!)) as Jade and Obsidian's twin. And Big Lunk as Nuklon and The Atom's kid. And I can't remember Northwind's name at all or whose kid he was! I also may have gotten some of that information wrong. I never owned any Infinity Inc books. I just read my cousin's copies.

Todd has brought a "friend" along because remember how gay he turned out to be?! I don't think he came out until after Infinity Inc was cancelled, right? So they're playing the "just a friend" scene backstage to show how the whole team knew he was gay already anyway.

After the play, Jade heads off to find Brainwave Junior who missed her play. He lives in a rough part of town because he's a drunk. I guess he couldn't handle losing his powers. Unless he was a drunk before because he couldn't handle having his powers. Unless he was just a drunk because he liked drinking so much. Since it's a rough neighborhood, she's followed by a couple of thugs that took up thugging because they're nice guys that women never noticed because women don't realize that when somebody is nice and thoughtful, they deserve sex.

I don't understand how being nice is supposed to get you laid anyway! Isn't being sexy what gets you laid?! You know what also helps? Being confident and useful and independent! If you like somebody and you can't get their sexual attention by being nice to them, you should rescue some children from a burning building. They'll be all, "Let me take your pants off for you so I can put my mouth against your thingy!" But when you're nice to them, they just say, "Thank you! How sweet and kind you are!" See how my hypothetical situation involving being nice didn't result in getting laid? How could I have written that unless it isn't true? If you want sex, be sexy and confident. If you want romance, show yourself to be useful and independent. If you want to be an angry nice guy, keep playing Magic the Gathering and living with your parents.

Don't get mad at me for the Magic the Gathering comment! I play Magic the Gathering and I've had sex close to five times! But that's because I don't live with my parents. See how that works?

I call these guys thugs. It's funny but until all the recent hubbub about the word "thug", I only ever thought of the word in the context of comic book henchmen and black and white fifties crime movies. But it's totally used as a racist term now. If you're not talking about comic books, of course.

The word thug is a good example of how I've pointed out that the word "retard" will eventually be put to rest but the next polite term which we use for mentally handicapped people (I don't currently know what that is!) will just replace retard as a slur and we'll just have to think up a new one. It isn't that the word retard has any inherent negative connotations to it. It's just that mentally handicapped people were called mentally retarded because their mental growth was retarded for one reason or another. And since we called mentally handicapped people mentally retarded because that was the decided upon term, people began calling other people who weren't mentally handicapped "retarded" as an insult. So no matter what we call mentally handicapped people, some people will turn that term into an insult and we'll be back to square one. That's what thug has become. It absolutely, in certain circles, has become the new way to say nigger. Which is really fucking weird if you're a comic book fan because we all know thugs are the guys Batman beats up without any trouble on his way to get the leader. Are my thug Heroclix going to be deemed racist now?

Jade beats up the blond thug and tells his friend Choochie to take him home before the Citizen's Patrol picks them up. Jade's a fucking narc, man. She's probably going to take her drunk and unconscious friend Henry to an intervention now.

Oh yeah! It was Hippolyta Trevor! And then I think she hyphenated after the marriage?

The rest of the team are going about their daily lives when Telos breaks in with a special announcement. Infinity Inc gets to fight!

Because of this whole doming thing, does that mean Hippolyta and Hector's son Daniel will never be born and will never become the next Dream of The Endless?!

Apparently the team got a note that they would be heading to Hex's city to battle the Dogs of War. Since Hex comes from a weird post-apocalyptic future, they might be real dogs. The team hops in their spaceship and heads out to battle.

Sorry you guys drew this lot, Infinity. I'm going to have to side with Hex on this one.

Hex and Sylvester trade a couple of lines before Hex's pal Centurion screams, "Centurion shall draw first blood!" He then shoots some blasts out of his hands. Turning the page, the next panel has Hex explaining what happened. He says, "Well, Roman--ya blasted their ship ta pieces, and took out the fancy-pants with one shot." I guess Jerry and Ben (you might be thinking Ice Cream right now but I'm thinking Twin Peaks) ran out of room while scripting and drawing the comic book! I bet there was supposed to be a page with the blast hitting the ship and ship exploding and crashing into the ground. Or it was always meant to be this idiotic.

And that's pretty much how it ends. Infinity has once again found themselves in a shitty situation. At least this time it doesn't involve a bunch of tangled relationships and junior high school drama. It just involves possibly being killed in a plane crash. Next issue, Jonah Hex will probably shoot and kill them all.

Convergence: Infinity Inc #1 Rating: This issue, more than most of the others, has made me realize exactly what is wrong with Convergence. One twenty-two page issue isn't enough space to revisit Infinity Inc. It really isn't enough space to revisit any of these old characters which is one of the main problems with this Convergence deal. With all the space that's wasted with the Multiversal Thunderdome plot, and the characters having to talk about life under the dome, readers don't really get much time to reacquaint themselves with their old friends. I really appreciate the books that have spent most of the first issue trying to tell a story that avoids the dome and the Convergence as much as possible. The first few pages of this book captured a bit of that drama I expect from Infinity. Too bad that stuff didn't fill the book.