Wonder Woman #14

I remember when my hair was this luxurious.

The Review!
Let's see. What did I just read? Wonder Woman was in it and she was all, "Hi-yah!" Is that how you spell the noise you make when you karate chop some fool in the throat? Because that's what she did to Ares. And Ares was all, "Nice guys finish last because of you dumb women!" And Wonder Woman was all, "Patriarchy this, motherfucker!" Then she kicked him in the patriarchies (which are the balls) and an owl took his Fedora and a deer headbutted him in the dice bag and a falcon tore out his eyes while mocking him by screeching, "Mi'lady!" Then after Ares disappeared (not dead but humiliated, running off to go sort his Magic cards through his tears and pretending that he wasn't hurt at all) and Steve Trevor was all, "I'm in love! SPRUBOING!" That's the sound of his penis. Then I think later Etta and Barbara fucked drunkenly. A good time was had by all! Including Ares who finally got all his lands sorted by artist!

The Ranking!
No change!

Wonder Woman #12

My gift to everybody this Christmas is that I'm going to treat these reviews seriously today. If you don't celebrate Christmas, just Google "inappropriate dick jokes" and sprinkle them throughout as you read.

Feminism is so important, guys. It's why books like this written by Greg Rucka are so important. He makes sure to always insert a bit of social commentary that points out terrible things the Patriarchy has taught people that it's okay to do. Like in one of the last ones, Diana asked Etta Candy if people still touch her hair. Like, OMG! Fuckers always going about trying to touch POC hair! That comment was like a kick to the neckbeard of the Patriarchy! Unless that just had to do with some other kind of social justice. Sometimes it's hard to keep it all straight! I mean sorted! I probably shouldn't use the term "straight" as a characteristic of order and keeping things proper because that perpetuates homophobia! Anyway, at least Rucka told that Frank Cho a thing or two about the length of Wonder Woman's skirt! I mean, I think it's okay to draw it short and to maybe see a little bit of Diana's undergarments if a woman draws it, or if a respectable man draws it. But Frank Cho draws all those pornographic covers so he totally had a major scolding and lecture coming!

This issue continues the Year One story arc. I'm glad it mentioned that on page two because I couldn't remember if this was continuing the story that takes place in the present or the one that took place in the past. I don't know why DC Comics doesn't put a summary page in their comics the way Marvel does. So what if all the Marvel fans start taunting DC Comics for copying something that Marvel does! Not only would it allow new readers to jump on board at any time, it will help older readers who can't remember anything they read a week prior! Plus it would stop people like Scott Lobdell wasting four pages each issue reminding readers what happened in the previous issue (and, usually, getting it all wrong anyway because he can't be bothered to take his job seriously).

Oh shit! I knew who Sappho was too! Does that mean everybody I've ever met that I told I knew Sappho thinks I'm a lesbian?

While Etta and Barbara investigate the terrorists, the Sear Group, Diana experiments with her new powers. Not only can she speak English now (thanks to her lasso), she can also talk to animals. Hmm, that's one more reason why Aquaman is just a redundant member of the Justice League. Steve Trevor learns that Wonder Woman left behind a female lover and when she's feeling vulnerable, he holds her hand! It might seem compassionate and romantic but I guarantee he had a semi growing in his pants. Guys are gross.

The Sear Group have a tattoo of a tree on their bodies. It's the tree that Diana saw on Paradise Island before leaving with Steve Trevor. It's the tree of knowledge with the serpent in it that bit her and drove her from her garden. It's all sorts of Christian imagery tied up in a tale of a Greek demi-goddess.

Wonder Woman interviews the Sear prisoners with her lasso and discovers they're forced to kill and destroy by some overarching will which they can't deny. It's about that time that Barbara realizes Sear is an anagram for ears. But then she crosses that out and notices it's also an anagram for Ares! And that's when Ares shows up to choke Steve Trevor and introduce himself to Wonder Woman. So I guess Ares as Wonder Woman's major antagonist is good enough for Rebirth Wonder Woman. Probably because he's a man who represents war. Those are like two of the main things Wonder Woman is destined to crush!

Well, maybe not all men! Just some men! Like, the really bro ones! But not the ones like me who say all of the right things when there are women in earshot!

The Ranking!
No change! I think I fucked up my Christmas promise and didn't take this as seriously as I meant to! In fact, I even sounded like I was mocking feminism! That was probably a poor choice for a review of Wonder Woman. Unless you're a jerko male who took what I was saying seriously and thought, "I should read more of this person's blog!" Then, yeah, I totally meant it and wasn't being snarky at all! But if you're a woman or a guy who wants women to take him seriously, I was totally just fooling around and being a huge idiot! You can't take anything I say seriously because I'm unable to tell the truth. Mostly it's because I can't help telling the truth as well and the only way to hide my true statements that I'm ashamed or embarrassed by is to sprinkle them in with a bunch of lies so nobody knows what I think at all!

Wonder Woman #10

Is this doing it?!

Trump supporters pretending to be Clinton supporters because they're the actual precious snowflakes who can't take criticism be like:

Meanwhile, Trump is over here being all:

I readily admit I have no power. But even if I did, I would never use that power to try to silence people. Debate isn't about getting the side you don't agree with to shut up. Debate is about pointing out how dumb the other side is! And to do that, you have to let them keep saying stupid things which you can then mock relentlessly. If a whole new generation is going to have to live with the specter of nuclear holocaust because a bunch of sad-eyed voters got their feelings hurt and decided to stick it to the intellectual elite (who dared to know better and to know that they knew better!), I'm at least going to feel sanctimonious in my childish taunts of a supremely unintelligent and selfish manchild that seeks to dismantle the American system at the foundation. I will also relentlessly mock the people who continue to support this blatantly moronic trainwreck of a man despite how troubling and terrible his statements and actions have been since becoming president elect (also before! I just mean I'm specifically focusing on his post-election idiocy).

I guess renewing the arms race (this time hand-in-hand with Putin as they decide which country full of Muslims to nuke first) isn't as terrible as a nobody comic book blogger with no power at all pointing out that Donald Trump might be the dumbest Republican puppet president yet. Obviously I include Reagan in that statement. He was the beginning of the Republican presidents who are just mouthpieces for corporations and the wealthy. Of course you can't get enough votes to win if that's your base so they also go whole hog on being pro-gun and anti-abortion. People don't mind voting in people who will make their lives terrible as long as those people promise all the guns forever and no more salty Jesus tears.

And now, Wonder Woman!

Last issue was all about shopping and dating. This issue is all about shopping and dating except five years ago. So it's totally different and more magical and tinged with that sweet yet sour nostalgia dipping sauce. Also Wonder Woman can't speak English yet. Why can't she be more like Starfire and learn English by engaging in oral sex? Then the entire comic book wouldn't be her and Cheetah having a conversation while Steve Trevor constantly interjects with "Did she just say she likes my boner? She did, right?"

You know who else likes her outfit? Steve's boner.

The first thing Etta Candy wants to do is get a margarita in Diana. The second thing Etta wants to do, I bet, is get a tongue in Diana! I see where this is going, Ms. Candy, and I don't approve! How about getting Diana's consent free of alcohol before you both get drunk and engage in oral sex on a diaper changing station in the mall bathroom?

Over lunch, they discover that Diana's golden lasso allows everybody to understand everybody else.

It also translates creepy stares and bulging crotches for Diana who, never being around men, had no idea what those things meant.

While they're enjoying lunch, a bunch of gunmen storm the mall and begin shooting shoppers. While helping Steve Trevor stop the assailants, Wonder Woman learns she not only has super strength but super speed as well. And she's particularly adept at blocking bullets with her bracelets. Or bracers. Or, for the particularly nerdy and pedantic, vambraces. I hope the reaction to that statement is particularly nerdy and pedantic and I'm schooled on how Wonder Woman's bracers aren't anything like vambraces!

Diana also discovers she's mostly invulnerable when she sits on a grenade. Oh, and she can fly. So that's most of her powers worked out. It'll be some time before she learns of her super compassion and her super prostate massage powers.

The new team learn that Sears, Roebuck & Company are behind the attacks. They're probably having financial difficulties and targeting people who abused the Craftsmen Tools lifetime warranty.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. Okay fine. I'm beginning to enjoy this comic book much more than I was during the Urzkatarga bit. Plus Nicola Scott's art is pleasing.

Wonder Woman #6

I can't think of anything sexist to say about this cover so I just won't say anything at all.

The Commentary!
The only things I really want to write are angry, venomous things. I want to poke people with word sticks. I want to tell them that they aren't as wise and kind as they think they are. I want to drown them in vile, bitter, crass statements about their parentage. I want to compare them to things they really wouldn't like being compared to! But what would be the point? Everybody is terrible in their own way but the worst people are the ones who tell others how terrible they are. And why would I want to be one of them? I mean, I am one of them! Just ask Cullen Bunn! But that's a special case. I'm usually not like that! And I'm still not like that but he did post a picture of a guy flipping the bird and directed it at me, so fuck him. He gets to be my punching bag. I mean, not really. It's more of an idealized Cullen Bunn who is my punching bag! I don't really care what the real one is up to. I just like having this effigy to kick around every now and then.

Aside from having these angry feelings that I don't really know what to do with, I suppose I have a Wonder Woman comic book to read. Boy, I sure hope Greg Rucka pisses me off somehow!

This issue is about a bunch of birds spying on Wonder Woman and Steve Trevor as they get checked out by the US Government after landing an invisible plane on a crowded beach. Wonder Woman winds up in a jail cell not kicking everybody in the face because she seems to have something called patience. Steve is too busy telling his dead friend's wife that her husband is dead to get Wonder Woman out of prison. The wife, Maya, responds by talking nonsense.

Ugh. In other words, throw more corpses on the pile as you chase some elusive "meaning" to make every new death count for...whatever. How about giving him some dignity by letting his death have meaning in that he died doing what he thought was right? How is that not enough? Why ask Steve and countless others to risk their lives simply so you can have the satisfaction of meaning?

Barbara Ann Minerva comes to visit Wonder Woman because a comic book where nobody understands the main character will quickly grow tiresome. The last thing I need is for this comic book to go the Doctor Fate route where it spends twelve issues with the main character struggling with the whole concept of who he is. I can't read a Wonder Woman comic book where she and Steve just say their names to each other over and over again. So Barbara knows the language of the Amazons and she's able to converse with Wonder Woman. She discovers that Diana was visited by a the Greek Gods the night before and they gave her super powers. She only believes Diana when Diana tears the cell's bars from the floor and ceiling. I guess the next chapter will be twenty pages of Diana taking English classes.

This issue not only proved that Diana is patient and kind, it proved that I am neither of those things. I was bored and angry while reading this. This is the kind of comic book where fans will gush about a few scenes of Nicola's fantastic art which are so super adorable that you can't say a bad word about them. Like when Diana is getting her picture taken with the police officer. Or Diana's face when the god's visit her in the cell. Hell, this entire issue could have just been Nicola's art and Greg Rucka could have fucked the hell off for all I cared. This thing is beautiful. But the story? Totally boring. Unless you love bureaucracy and placing soldiers on pedestals.

Ranking!
+0. Look, I know I'm probably in the minority. I'm sure everybody is jerking themselves off all over Greg Rucka's fantastic run of Wonder Woman. But am I not allowed to be completely wrong about at least one comic book? Can I not have this one to fucking hate no matter how good it might be? It's also possible my mood these days isn't great for my judgment. I think I would have enjoyed this more if Wonder Woman had punched every fucking cop in the face and shit in their hats.

Wonder Woman #4

I can't believe Greg Rucka approved this cover!

The Review!
I know I joke about jokes and stuff (the stuff being serious things that people think shouldn't be joked about, like the death of a kitten or, well, I can't think of anything worse than that) but I want to not joke about anything for this review. I just want to say this is a story that regular people will enjoy with their regular emotions because it exhibits some sort of hypothetical love between a mother and her child. I know that's the stuff of fantasy but it's done really well here. I can almost believe that mothers can love their children and do not want to see them hurt or disappointed. It was touching! But the best touching was when Diana and Steve touched! Ooh la la! I mean, she was just consoling him over the death of his friends but it was still pretty hot. You should probably be reading this book if you're into feminism and also if you're into sexy women.

The Commentary!
At the end of the last even numbered issue (which was also the first even numbered issue, being Issue #2), penis had come to Paradise Island. I'm not going to say "man" came because any number of Amazons could be trans men. But I will say penis because there's no way the amazons could know if a baby with a penis was actually a woman so they'd throw that baby away with the rest of the bastards. I mean boys. The penis didn't arrive quietly and most of the penises didn't arrive alive. Which is why Diana has decided to take great care of Steve Trevor's penis. It's a unique resource and it will need to be studied intensely in the months to come.

Mechanical penises were also found still working.

What would weapons look like if they were based on the female anatomy? I'm not sure but I'd probably have joined the army and prayed for war.

Diana decides to spend her days watching Steve Trevor sleep. She especially finds she enjoys the part where the sheets around his midsection gradually rise up in a slow, stuttering movement until they look ready to burst from the pressure of Steve's insistent organ. She doesn't have clearance to medically examine his penis to make sure it's okay, so she just sits and waits until she can find an excuse to call in Epione and get her to remove the covers.

"I think he's too hot! Should we remove his covers now?!"

To Diana's excitement, Steve realizes his friends are dead and he needs to be comforted. She puts her arms around him and touches his bare skin while he cries on her shoulder and she thinks, "Oh god I'm so close to coming!"

The Council of Amazons decide that the current rash of portents points to only one solution: have an Amazon escort Steve Trevor back to his world where he'll lead them to the present danger to their way of life. I know an Amazon who will gladly volunteer for that mission! She's currently icing her vagina! Not with cake icing! I mean, that would probably work to get Steve's attention. It's making me hungry right now! "Hungry" is a portmanteau of "horny" and "hungry." It's not a very good portmanteau. Um, I meant she was icing it because it was so sore from constantly masturbating while watching Trevor sleep. Duh!

To determine who will be Steve's escort (since everybody wants to be!), Hippolyta will be holding "The Games" one month earlier. I'm really hoping that's a euphemism for an endurance orgy and not a name for something so similar to the Olympics I'm already getting bored typing this. Hippolyta and Phillipus already know Diana is going to win. I'm not sure if that's confidence in their girl or they've already rigged the games. Jerks.

I can't wait to read Supergirl Rebirth #1! But I will! I meant "I can't wait" in the "I'm so excited I can't even think about masturbating but can actually wait and will" way and not the "I'm going to start reading it right now in the middle of reading Wonder Woman!" way.

"Diana, why do you smell like frosting?"

Steve Trevor is allowed to soil the games with his male gaze. Oh man! So lucky! I bet they compete naked and slathered in olive oil! I'm getting really hungry again!

Darn it. They don't compete naked at all! I mean, they compete naked if Frank Cho is drawing them and Greg Rucka is looking at them. They're that naked! But I guess it's okay to be that naked if Nicola Scott is drawing them because she probably doesn't get a boner when she does it. That pretty much excludes her from the Boner Club. That club consists of Frank Cho, Tony S. Daniel, and David Finch. Probably others but what am I? A comic book artist scholar?! I'm so intellectual that I barely even look at the art when I read! At least the art that isn't sexy in any way. Why it is even allowed in comic books?!

When the games that I probably wasn't supposed to find as sexually fulfilling as I did conclude, only three Amazons are left standing. The final test is to be able to defend against man's penis! I don't mean his flesh penis! That's easy to defend against, especially if you're wearing some solid boots. I mean his mechanical penis that he brandishes and polishes daily! Oh, I just realized that description didn't actually differentiate the penises! Um, I mean man's guns! They must be able to deflect a bullet! Ha ha! I suspect after this test, Fourth Runner Up will be Champion!

Surprise twist ending! Diana wins the games and gets the Wonder Woman uniform and the job of escorting Steve Trevor back in the human plane which the Amazons have made invisible! Did I use surprise twist right? Maybe it was a surprise ending because when I said "Surprise twist ending!", you thought, "Oh my god! Diana didn't win and won't be Wonder Woman?!" Then you were surprised when I said that was exactly what happened!

How is Diana going to learn English though? If she were Starfire, she would just have to engage in oral sex with somebody who spoke English. But I guess Diana will have to learn English the old fashioned way: by praying to the gods.

Diana and Steve hop in the invisible jet and take off from the beach in a totally realistic and plausible way since who knows how invisible jets fly anyway? Next stop: America! Probably!

Wonder Woman #2

DC Comics is obsessed with rebirths, infinities, and year ones. Years one? Fuck English.

The Review!
It's wit a heavy heart that I say goodbye to the Finch Era of Wonder Woman and reluctantly welcome in the Greg Rucka Era. It's not that I don't like well-written Wonder Woman stories that aren't constantly accidentally sexist! But I definitely like commenting on mediocre Wonder Woman stories that can't stop being sexist no matter how hard they try to feminist! I'm like a kid in a candy store that is also full of porn when I get to comment on those kinds of comic books. And the Finches were like a piñata that I could keep hitting over and over again and it wouldn't stop dropping treats! Now I have to put up with stories that are thoughtful and philosophical and insightful! Blech! Those aren't any fun to write about! Sure, I get to say things like "Nicola Scott's art is the opposite of crows feasting on one's eyes" and "Greg Rucka's story is full of emotional weight, I think. Emotions aren't the things that make your anal sphincter clench up and your dick hard, are they? If they are, Greg Rucka's story doesn't have any of that. His stories are full of the other stuff that makes your eyes go blurry and your heart feel like its full of kittens." I don't have anything to say about the colorist or the letterer because I'm not a big phony who only includes those things in my review because that's what people do in comic book reviews. "Oh, the lettering was totally readable!" Bah! Fuck you, Jodi Wynne! So you can pick out nice fonts and fit the word balloons in unobtrusive places! La dee da!

The Commentary!
So the odd issues of Wonder Woman have to do with her in the present trying to figure out why her life is so fucked up (Hint: the editors at DC Comics never really know what they're doing and so they panic every five to ten years and blow up their shit). But the even issues are about Wonder Woman's past and how she came to leave Paradise Island (Hint: it wasn't because of a serpent. Although a man's penis is often compared to a serpent. So maybe it was because of a serpent). How is Greg Rucka going to turn his Wonder Woman Year One into a huge epic when I can summarize it in one sentence: Wonder Woman gives up paradise for cock. Now that I've typed that and reread it a few times and fantasized about Wonder Woman wanting my cock, I'm suspecting that maybe my synopsis isn't entirely accurate and possibly a little bit vulgar. So maybe I should just trust Rucka to make Wonder Woman's story seem less sexist than I did.

After the first scene, I'm not so sure Mister Rucka is going to convince me that he isn't writing a sexist story. I suppose that's because I'm reading it through my own sexist lenses. I knew I should have purchased glasses at a store other than MisogynyCrafters. I'll give an example of my problem!

When I read this, all I can think is, "She's talking about getting laid! With a penis!" I guess that isn't Mister Rucka's fault that I can't engage this comic book philosophically!

If I were to write Wonder Woman's Year One story, it would be all about her wondering what the mythical men are like and how amazing sex with one must be. She'd know all about male anatomy and how children are usually made. She'd know about the kinds of birds and bees that result in offspring and she'd constantly fantasize about how great an act that can create life must feel. Of course she's already have had many, many orgasms, both self-induced and orally induced and digitally induced and toy induced. But because she was denied penis, she would grow up thinking that all of the other orgasm inducing acts were just pale imitations of sex leading to conception. The appearance of Steve Trevor would tempt her more and drive her wild with lust. And then she'd leave the island to have sex with him (because he'd be dying on the island and sex with a dying person is no fun and can even lead to accidentally having sex with a corpse). Finally, she would slip a penis inside of her! And Steve Trevor would come nearly instantly and completely disappoint her. And now she's stuck in the real world surrounded by scads and scads of disappointing dick, realizing that all of the other methods of achieving orgasm were actually the center around which copulation merely orbits.

Or, you know, you could have a Wonder Woman story that doesn't even consider Diana as a sexually curious being. Maybe she's just plain curious of the world outside of Paradise Island! Now if only I could read this comic book with that in mind! It should be easier now that I've indulged my Wonder Woman Year One Coming of Age story.

Diana's friend Kasia tries to convince Wonder Woman that the world beyond Paradise Island is full of disappointing, violent, awful men who treat women as sexual objects and nothing more. I would like to argue with her but I think I already proved her point.

Meanwhile in the real world, the penises practice with their penises.

A few scenes compare the lives of Steve and Diana as they go about their regular routines, Diana's as an Amazon and Steve's as a soldier. Both are shown to be missing something that their daily lives isn't providing for them but they're not so much outsiders that they don't enjoy the company of their friends and compatriots. They both seem to feel somewhat imprisoned by their lives. But only in a small ways and tiny doses! Overall, they both seem upbeat and happy and enjoy what they can from their daily lives.

One day while Diana is out racing her horse about the island, she discovers a tree she's never seen before and decides to investigate.

Ahh! A penis! I mean serpent!

Well, that does it! Diana now has knowledge of all good and evil! Or she's been poisoned. I think they're basically the same thing.

Diana's sisters and friends and lovers find her lying delirious in the field as a god watches from a tree branch. The serpent and the grizzled tree have disappeared. I wonder if the tree was Zeus and the serpent was his penis?

Diana does learn that the tree and the serpent and the stupid owl were all definitely messages from the gods but probably not the message about Zeus wanting to have sex with everything. Instead it was probably a message about Diana's need to leave Paradise although it's strange for Greek Gods to use Christian symbols.

The issue ends with Steve's world colliding with Diana's world a little more literally than Steve and his army buddies would have liked. Especially since everybody but Steve dies. Oh! Maybe the whole serpent message was that there would be a serpent entering Paradise soon and it would cause Diana to be expelled. The serpent is Steve's penis! Or just Steve. It was a prophetic fantasy that almost killed Diana!

The Amazons find Stever Trevor is the only survivor when he touches Diana's foot and she blushes like crazy and probably pees herself a little bit.

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2

Yay! This is my last Tangent Universe comic book! I hate those guys!

Hate is such a strong word. Which is why I used it!

The main battle in this comic book is over Cyborg's power source. The Dumb Patrol want it so they can build a time machine and go back home. The New Teen Titans want it because Cyborg can't live without it. And he's so young with so many more boners to give to Changeling.

I hope the battle takes a seat to the real mystery here: is Jericho gay? If Kole were throwing herself at me, the insides of my jeans would be sticky! For some reason that I won't go into although if you're young and you have no idea what I'm talking about, it probably involves a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Last issue ended with Firehawk sending an chat message over her computer to Nightwing. That alone was more unbelievable than a cosmic entity stealing a bunch of cities out of space and time just to make them fight each other. This issue begins with the two of them speaking on their Bluetooth headsets which is only slightly more believable. What kind of roaming charges are they getting?!

I interrupt my commentary for this breaking news! Nightwing has a theory! Repeat! Details at ten! I mean, Nightwing has a theory! Your only news at four AM because no other local channel is fucking insane! Here's a white guy with shiny white teeth with our story!

Shiny White Teeth: "Thanks attractive woman with above average sized breasts! Earlier, Nightwing was seen swinging through Gotham speaking with Firehawk. We overheard his theory about what happened to our city!"

"Holy zip! What a revelation!"

Attractive Woman With Above Average Sized Breasts: "Can you believe that?! He thinks all the cities were transported to this world by who knows who! What a startling revelation! We'll keep you up-to-date on this breaking story! Now weather with either a wacky black male or a sexy Asian female!"

While Nightwing chats up Firehawk because she seems far more controllable than that crazed Tamarranean he's currently married to (and this version of Nightwing is all about control because he's yet to step out from the shadow of Batman's Way), the rest of the Titans are attacked by the rest of the Dumb Patrol.

"Here's the plan! I'll shoot Starfire in the tits while you over-explain your powers! Just ignore the gay guy with the sideburns and don't make eye contact with him! He's creepy!"

The New Teen Titans don't do anything to defend themselves. Kole is the most proactive trying to encase Star Sapphire in her crystal. But Starfire does nothing, probably because Nightwing shamed her so much for using her powers. And Cyborg just gets shot and lies down. Gar turns into a gorilla, runs into Jericho, and nearly kills him. And that's about the extent of the fight.

One interesting note: Kole calls Jericho "Joe." She's not even related to him and she knows his name! Slade and Rose Wilson are assholes over in Deathstroke. They can't even bother to learn a family member's name. But then Marv Wolfman is writing this issue. I'd expect him to know Jericho isn't Joseph Wilson's real name whereas I just figure Tony S. Daniel can't be bothered to learn anything about the characters he's writing. He never has before and DC Comics keeps giving him writing jobs. Somebody needs to realize he should just keep to doing art. But I guess if he's not writing, how can he be assured to have two or three double splash pages in every issue?! Those original sketches can make him beaucoup bucks on the art market!

Tangent Rampage takes off on his Tangent Space Motorcycle with Cyborg over his shoulder as Kory finally gets into a battle frenzy. As she's murdering the Dumb Patrol leader, Firehawk's mom (whatever her name is!), Kole makes a pass at Jericho.

He's signing, "No, I won't fuck you, you ignorant slut."

Tangent Star Sapphire returns and calls Firehawk's mom "Doomsday," so that mystery is solved! They fly off while Starfire kneels on the ground watching and saying, "I should have killed her! Now there is no way I can follow her with the rest of the team because fuck Vic! We're a little bit sore after that tussle!" Nightwing and Wonder Girl arrive to shake their heads at the room full of failure.

Later on the roof of STAR Labs, Kory yells at Dick for keeping her true nature stifled. She's a murderer and he just won't let her murder! What a controlling, sexist pig! How come everything has to be his way? She points out that they're no longer on Earth so maybe there are different laws. Dick doesn't point out that they're still in Gotham so they still have to follow Gotham's laws, if there are any. Although according to Preboot Swamp Thing #52 or something, Gotham has laws against humans having sex outside of their species. So Nightwing is breaking that one two or three times a month. That's a lot of sex, right?

Pretty soon Gar starts crying and everybody gets really uncomfortable and Dick doesn't have the heart to mention that Vic is probably being vivisected right about now so the Dumb Patrol can get at his power source. Instead he wastes more time thinking. Maybe he trusts Firehawk more than he should and he's hoping she solves his problem. She has his phone number! If she's as good a person as she claimed to be, she can call him with directions to Vic's body.

Meanwhile Kole keeps trying to get laid because I guess when somebody signs "no," it doesn't actually mean no!

Firehawk confronts her mother about how she attacked the Titans but Firehawk doesn't pick up a phone or send a message to Nightwing because I guess she's an asshole after all. But Gar figures out where Cyborg is through some technological mumbo jumbo that doesn't really make sense but it allows for the Teen Titans to engage in some drama as they chew the scenery trying to figure out how they'll save Cyborg. What would really make sense is that Cyborg, being over half machine, would have some kind of way to be traced by the others. I guess that's too difficult. But email between different networks from alternate universes is easy.

There's your answer, Kory! Just ditch this prick until he becomes likeable in about ten or twenty years.

The Teen Titans track down Cyborg where Kory gets a rematch against Doomsday where she doesn't kill her again. But this time she gets to act self-righteous and be all, "'m not going to kill you because Dick told me not to kill! I mean, for my own reasons like that one cliche one...what was it again? Oh yeah! I don't want to become you! Burnzinga!"

If you couldn't tell, I sprained my eyes rolling them during that scene.

Starfire turns her back on Doomsday so she can go make out with Dick who can finally love her now that she's declared she won't kill for him. Aww! Young love with conditions! It's so romantic!

Doomsday's heart grows three sizes and she agrees to work with the Titans to save every single life in every single time across all dimensions forever. I don't know how she's going to manage it but I'm sure it will all come together in the end. Nobody any where in any time should ever die. And by working together, we can put an end to the evil of death!

But guys. Let's really get moving on that because I'm forty-three!

The earthquake hits, the Doom Patrol disappears, and a single star lights up the sky. I bet it's Oracle!

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #2 Rating: 7 Kids Signing Cookie out of Ten. This issue was probably enjoyable for uncritical Teen Titans fans. I mean, Starfire and Nightwing kissed! And Kole and Jericho kissed! And Changeling and Cyborg probably kissed when they disappeared in the last act for a few pages. It was full of romance! And ultimatums!

Divergence: Robin: Son of Batman
"Follow the adventures of the most deadly Robin of them all, Damian Wayne, as he travels the world with his pet were-bat!"

This Sneak Peek introduces us to Damian Wayne's friend, Goliath. He's a huge were-bat from who knows where. Bat. Ahem. Pardon.

I guess Damain is traveling the world on the back of a bat? Okay. I hope I still like Damian when he's not written by Peter Tomasi and when he isn't trying to get his father's love and approval. This might just be a rich, dick, snobby asshole traveling the world just like every other twenty-something American that believes they're experiencing life and finding themselves and living life way better than all those other people who aren't doing exactly what they're doing. Obviously if you make a choice to live a certain way, that's the best way possible and anybody not doing the same thing is a stupid moron who is wasting their life away.

Damian probably won't be like that. He'll probably just kill people and find more pets for the Batcave. I guess this is what Damian needs to do while Bruce is on vacation with the Joker?

Finally some guy in a mask with lots of eyes spies on Damian while talking to himself about Years of Blood and Atonement and Heroics and Batmans. It might be Nobody but damned if I can remember what the guy actually looked like. He's supposed to be dead but this is Comic Books! So, you know. Death has no place here! I wish I lived in a comic book.

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #1

Why are these assholes so fucking happy?

I hope Wonder Girl's husband Terry makes an appearance. Hell, I hope he's the Goddamned narrator!

Fuck. The first page after opening the cover has Wonder Girl staring longingly at a picture of her and her husband so I guess he didn't make it into the dome. Which means, if any of these characters continue to exist in DC Continuity, Terry will be dead and gone. Was that DC's plan for bringing back a bunch of old characters? To bring them back but without their past romantic entanglements? Was this entire Convergence thing a plan to fridge every superhero's loved ones?!

"It's been a year and my last recording was just a few days ago, so let me catch you up on shit from months and months ago because I guess all of my previous recordings were about how surprised I was that Cyborg and Changeling hooked up. P.S. Thigh gap game on point!"

Dick and Kory are currently out fighting crime using rocket jet hang gliders loaded with weapons. I guess that technology is realistic enough for it to have kept working after the dome dropped unlike silly techno-bullshit like Steel's cyborg body or Arsenal's robot arm.

Meanwhile under the dome in the Tangent Universe...wait a second! Is Marv Wolfman allowed to write about the characters inside the other domes?! Anyway, the Tangnt characters, whoever the fuck they are, get to react to Planet Brainiac's message. It's a good choice by Marv Wolfman because how can I bitch about the way he's portraying characters if I don't know how the fucking characters should be portrayed? Although it's a bad choice because I'm not interested in them at all. Who is?! I don't remember a time when the comic book world was abuzz about the Tangent Universe.

In case anybody has forgotten, Kory is a violent hot head with a tragic past! She vowed never to be caged again and yet this entire last year, she was caged by an unknown threat. Some people read this and probably think, "Oh! Poor Kory! How terrible that she had to suffer this way?!" I read this and think, "Yawn." It's always the same thing with Kory! Dick keeps her in line because humans are ethically and morally superior to Tamaraneans. But then somebody tries to restrain Kory and all of her past trauma comes back to her and she beats everybody near to death like a wild animal (also known as a Tamaranean).

I can't wait to reread my New Teen Titans comic books so I can remember exactly why I disliked Dick so much but after typing up that last paragraph, some of it seems to be coming back. I think he was trying too hard to be Batman at times while keeping his team together while forcing them to fall in line with his model of behavior. It's like I was reading the Dick Grayson still trying to prove himself and get out from the shadow of the bat. But then I walked away from comic books for a number of years and returned to find Dick Grayson a confident peer of The Batman. He was no longer the ex-sidekick Dick Grayson. He had become his own man. Or I'm just remembering it all wrong and I hated Dick because of who I was twenty-five years ago.

Starfire notices her powers are back and blasts the shit out of the guys that just murdered five people. But she doesn't kill them because she doesn't want to hear her husband (Kory and Dick were married under the dome) lecture her on why it's not right to kill. But Changeling and Cyborg don't seem to realize they have their powers back yet because Changeling is still a monkey and Cyborg is still acting like he's falling apart. At least he hasn't been in bed and hooked up to life support all year like Steel.

You can try making him a crystal butt plug!

It turns out the Tangent Universe characters are the most uninteresting version of the Doom Patrol ever written. Unless that version was the 2004 John Byrne version.

The Doom Patrol attack Vic and Gar while making sure they yell their name loud enough for Gar to hear so he can cry, "Mama?!" and then let the tears roll.

The Titans and the Dumb Patrol battle for a bit before the Dumb Patrol flies off to rethink their plan. They don't want to battle to the death. They want Cyborg because he is a power source they can use to return their city to Earth so they can time travel so they can change the future so they can save billions of lives. Oh, comic books!

When did Dick become a Promise Keeper?

The Teen Titans have plenty of time for Teen Relationship Drama even though, I mean, are they really teenagers anymore? How old are these cats?! Half of them are married and the other half are not married! It's crazy that they'e all involved in marriage at such a young age by either being in it or not in it!

The issue ends with Firehawk and Nightwing breaking Planet Brainiac's rules!

Hey now! No surprise team-ups between heroes from different domes! Rules violation! Rules violation!

I don't want to be one of those comic book fans but how is Firehawk's network connecting to Nightwing's network? Also, how did Firehawk find Nightwing's contact information? Also also, how did Firehawk even know Nightwing's name? And how has Cyborg survived all year with his comic book technology? And how many women had sex with a green monkey during the last year? That last one was just for my own curiosity.

Convergence: The New Titans #1 Rating: Did anybody else see what was going on in Nightwing's pants? Holy fuck! Does he store gadgets down the front of them?

Earth 2 #26

How soon, in seconds, did Power Girl and Huntress think, "I've made a huge mistake"?

No more ass play and ice cream, Karen! It's time to straighten up and put on your Earth 2 panties! Remember those? The ones you never got a chance to take off because Cousin Kal-El kept you hidden away from the world and the world's penises? Now's your chance to get even, Power Girl! And I don't mean by beating the crap out of Cousin Flip the Fuck Out. I mean sitting on Val-el's face while your cousin watches! That's a rite of passage for most kids in Western Civilization, right?

Oh, and don't worry! You're not related to Val-el! I just call him that because I'm an idiot.

Currently, a strange, twisty, cyclonic light has been seen over CERN and that can mean only one thing no matter how many people say it's not that one thing at all and have proof that it's something else: CERN has opened a gate to another world! And that gate is sucking the Earth through it. Only Queen Lantern's most powerful weapon in the universe (after his well coiffed hair and rippling abdomen muscles) is the only thing keeping the Earth from road tripping across space and time to Apokolips Country.

Drug addicted Replacement Batman is ready to take drugs and to kick ass. And hopefully he's not out of drugs because then he won't be kicking any ass at all. I suppose he'll be kicking the drugs and balled up in the corner moaning about stomach cramps and crawling skin.

Why is it when somebody comes to chew bubblegum and kick ass, they have to announce that they're all out of bubblegum. What does one have to do with the other? Only complete dunderheads can't kick ass and chew bubblegum at the same time! Are we supposed to believe that the person will concentrate harder on the ass kicking now? Or that they're super angry over not having any more bubblegum? Do wrestlers turned actors care that much about bubblegum?

Hopefully fucking is the answer!

Has there ever been a situation in history or literature or song or whatever where the only solution left to do was to fuck? And I'm not talking about the final scene in the sewers in It! That might qualify but it's creepy and disgusting and I don't want to read about a gang bang involving twelve year olds as they fuck to save their lives. Although, it does fit the criteria for my question. So I guess that situation has happened! Good show, Stephen King!

I'm sure, historically, fucking was probably utilized to solve a problem by the Greeks and Romans every other week.

And then, perchance, fuck that hole?

You know how many holes I made while growing up? No, not to fuck! Just digging around in the backyard thinking that I'd find some kind of long, lost treasure! I don't have an accurate tally but it was a lot of holes. Granted, my backyard was the size of two normal house lots so I had a lot of places to search. One time as I was digging, I dug up a strange, acorn looking thing. I prodded it with the blade of the shovel and the blade sliced right through it. It began oozing pinkish goo. I completely freaked out, buried it quickly with my shovel, and ran off with my skin crawling. I think it was the gestation pod for a Predator and I probably saved Earth!

Other things I did as a kid that scared the shit out of me so that I went running off to a well-lighted room with gooseflesh all over my body? Shining a flashlight into the night sky. I always thought I was alerting aliens to my presence and they were, at any minute, about to come down and snatch me away.

Replacement Batman: The Drugged Knight Returns To Make a Hole

While Replacement Batman obsesses over a hole, Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Val-el face off. They don't fight because Val-el is a pacifist and a conscientious object-
or. I stole that from that poet that did that! You know the one! Unless you're American. Then just think it was Robert Frost in that poem about paths or snowy woods or something.

Why isn't Clark Kent a pacifist? Now that the subject has been broached in Earth 2, it boggles my mind that Clark never thought to refuse to fight. I constantly wonder why his battles always wind up in fisticuffs when he never needs to throw a punch. He can just walk calmly up to the bad guys, grab them by the scruff of the neck, and drag them off to prison. And now that he's infected with the Doomsday Virus (which he contracted due to violence!), he's going to have to be extremely careful about getting angry or he might lose control. He might have to take some classes on meditation. Maybe put in a Zen garden in the Fortress of Solitude which he can rake for hours on end to calm down. The main difference between Batman and Superman should be the level of violence exhibited by each. Batman has to be violent to put the fear in criminals (not that it seems to work in Gotham to deter crime) while Superman should be non-violent to completely humiliate criminals. He should pants them before taking them off to jail. And use his x-ray vision to make them infertile!

Tornado Lane joins the fight to distract Flip the Fuck Out Superman. She and Val-el just have to keep him away from CERN long enough for Replacement Batman to stick his dick in the hole. In this case, Batman's dick is The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. The Streak needs to get Aquawoman into CERN so she can beat down Bedlam and free the minds of Terry Sloan and Mister Terrific who will then be able to hit the off switch on the Boom Tube.

See this, artists and writers of New Earth Superman? The glowing eyes is freakish! It scares people, Superman! Calm the fuck down with the glowing eye covers already! Be the nice farm boy you were always meant to be!

Replacement Batman's hole plan works and Aquawoman takes over the fish part of Bedlam's mind. Or something. Anyway, it frees Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Mister 8. Maybe Bedlam's power was that he could only mind control people with "mister" in their names? The Misters shut down the Boom Tube allowing Queen Lantern to return to the fight. It's a good thing, too. Since he gets his power from the Earth, the further away from it he gets, the weaker he gets. But he was being heroic to save the world, so it wasn't a big deal to be in space this time. Gumption and what not, you know?

The last battle left is with Flip the Fuck Out Superman. Who turns out not to be Superman at all but somebody entirely better!

Yay, Bizarro! Boo! He dies on the next page!

So that takes care of Bedlam, Beguiler, and Bizarro. Darkseid has failed. At least until he sends the Female Furies down to Earth in World's End. But they'll have to face the Almost Justice Society starring Hawkcop, Val-el, Aquawoman, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick, Queen Lantern, Replacement Batman, Tornado Lane, Know-it-all Olsen, Doctor Fuck-up, and The Blandman.

Oh, also Bedlam isn't actually defeated. He recovers quickly from the stroke given to him by Aquawoman and steals back the Misters for his own pet project. That project is to release Fury, Big Barda, and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips onto Earth 2. He'll also take some speech therapy classes to compensate for the slight loss of muscle control on the left side of his face.

Earth 2 #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wish continuity would just die an ignoble death in a dark alley where its corpse will then be eaten by stray cats and sewer rats. The whole concept of The New 52 is that there are 52 worlds for DC to play in. When I first began this project (reading all the New 52 books), I had hoped that every book would take place in its own world! Let the writers off the chains of continuity and let them have complete control over their story and the world where it takes place! Okay, maybe a few titles could be on the same Earth, like all the Batfamily titles. Give me free range writers! Down with continuity cages! DC loves "unleashing" things, right? Well unleash your fucking writers, you morons! Take off the chains of continuity and be free! Free, you fuckers! Free!

Earth 2 #25

Is this one of those find all the differences pictures? Did I accidentally pick up a Highlights for Children?

Why isn't there a comic book out there about me? What's with the lack of representation of me in comic books? I'm getting sick and tired of reading comic book after comic book that doesn't have me as a character. It's bullshit. Stop erasing me! I'm a real life person and human being! I should be represented!

The Duke of Oil from the old Outsiders comic book was almost an exact duplicate of me but then he turned out to be a robot and I'm not a robot. Or at least I'm programmed to think that I'm not a robot. I could be a computer since I don't have a decent method of coming up with random numbers without using some dice or something. I wonder how I can know for certain? Where does one go to take the Voigt-Kampff test?

Currently, Queen Lantern and Hawkcop are busy trying to rescue The Streak starring Jay Gimmick.

If anybody wonders why I call Alan Scott, Queen Lantern, it's because of this. He looks like Flash Gordon from the movie with the Queen soundtrack in nearly every shot, including winged people! Also he's gay and I'm an insensitive bastard.

Val-el over on Amazonia is busy filling in Know-it-all Olsen on his relationship to the previous Superman. It might be a bit confusing how he's related to Supes since he wears the symbol of the House of El and because I keep calling him Val-el when his name is actually Val-zod. It seems that in Earth 2's universe, Zod was a pacifist and a speaker of the truth, especially truths that sometimes get people in trouble with their government so that they wind up in The Phantom Zone. It's a good thing the United States doesn't have a Phantom Zone! It would probably be run by Haliburton. Privatize that shit and you'd make money hand over dick since it can never be filled to capacity! Maybe you can fill it so full that people have to stand inside other people but since everybody is a phantom, that's not a problem.

What?! A mystery Superperson! Maybe it's Beppo! Also, note that in Universe 2, Jor-el's brother was an even shittier scientist than in New Universe. He didn't even save Kara himself in this one!

Queen Lantern and Hawkcop get some help saving The Streak starring Jay Gimmick from Aquawoman and a bunch of Great White Sharks. How come Aquaman never rides Great White Sharks around like the Atlanteans of Earth 2? That's a missed opportunity! Riding Sea Horses around is just a sorry copy of how land dwellers get around! Anyway, they take care of the Parademons while The Streak starring Jay Gimmick goes out on a date with Beguiler.

Jay usually takes things slow on the first date. He usually saves groping at his date's breasts for the second date.

Beguiler disappears and Jay believes he pushed her into infinity because he was a really fucking crappy college student.

Back in Smallville, Flip the Fuck Out Superman points out to his father that he's a useless old man and will be first against the wall when Darkseid arrives so how about buttoning the smart mouth and come have dinner with his girlfriend Tornado Lane. Pa decides to sit down to dinner but he never agrees to buttoning his sassy lips.

Uh oh! It's the cornfield for Pa for sure!

Flip the Fuck Out Superman Omega Beams the fuck out of Pa who disintegrates. I suppose that's one way to get him into the cornfield since he's probably a decent fertilizer now. Ma is embarrassed by her son's behavior and Lois decides that Clark isn't the same man she married. Flip the Fuck Out Superman weeps and cries that he loves Lois in just that special way that abusers go on and on about when they realize they might have crossed the line and are about to lose the person they love...to beat on! But before he can pretend to make it better, he's called off to help out Bedlam, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Terry Sloan with their Boom Tube: Earth Project.

Boom Tube: Earth is fired up and now there is ONE LAST CHANCE to save the Earth before it's sucked over to take the place of Apokolips in whatever dimension that planet is in. The team split up to save the world with Hawkcop, Replacement Batman, and the World Army heading to CERN to defeat Bedlam and shut off Boom Tube: Earth. Queen Lantern heads out to space to hold the Earth in place. And Val-El goes toe to toe with Flip the Fuck Out Superman.

I don't know why there were two Batmans on the cover.

Earth 2 #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. How many times in DC's history has Superman killed Pa Kent? Can't be a large number, right? Did Heroclix ever release a Pa Kent figure because I'd like to stage this battle myself and see if it could have gone better for Pa. All in all, this title continues to keep me entertained and interested. I like my comic books off the rails like this! Continuity is for jerks!

Earth 2 #24

Is this where we find out Beguiler is That Time of the Month Wonder Woman?

I know. Ha ha ha. Tess made a PMS joke. What a fucking hilariously cliché piece of shit writing. It's good to see my standards aren't improving after two years of the same old shit, right? I never understood the whole joke about women being premenstrual when they were upset anyway. That only happens for a short time once a month, right? So why are women always upset the rest of the time?

Oh, ha ha ha! Good one, Tess. Another fucking joke at the expense of women. What a fucking asshole, right? No, I'm not an asshole! I'm just lazy! Recycling old jokes about women is just easier than being funny! I also enjoy a good joke about fraternity members being date rapists, various drunk animals that walk into bars, and Christians that are unthinking, brainwashed yokels! I do get offended when other people make easy jokes about women though because I always assume everybody but me has no sense of humor and that whatever they say is meant to be hurtful. I find that's the best way to live my life because then I'm always angry which helps me fight for survival. Sure, I sometimes punch a small kid in the face when I catch one running towards me in my peripheral vision. But better a kid with a black eye than me being mauled by a runaway lion! You can never be too lax because you can always wind up too dead!

This comic book has so many characters that I'd forgotten about The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. But he's right there on the cover and this issue begins with him being tortured by Beguiler!

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about white males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Are jokes where guys demand that women make them sandwiches demeaning to men or to women?! Who is the butt of a joke like that? It seems the asshole that expects to be served simply based on gender is the butt of that joke but men rarely seem to be upset by it. That's the problem with satire! It proposes a situation in which to ridicule one thing by ridiculing some other thing that doesn't deserve to be ridiculed! So if somebody has a scene in a play where a man orders a woman to make him a sandwich, thus showing what a sexist, lazy ass the man is, men watching the scene will say, "That's right! Get in the kitchen!" It's hard to shame people that have no shame at all, and men have the least amount of shame of anyone!

So, um, anyway, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick pisses off Beguiler with a lot of questions about Beguiler's look. Why was she a skeleton? Why was half of her head blown off? How is she a sentient, living being when she's obviously an old broken down corpse? You know he's just trying to get her angry with his bad jokes because he met a god earlier in this series and that makes even less sense than a ghost that enjoys torturing people with high technology instruments of torture. Beguiler thinks about killing The Streak starring Jay Gimmick but Bedlam interrupts. Bedlam may or may not be Batshit Batman.

Meanwhile, Queen Lantern managed to save Hawkcop in the Big Batcave Explosion. But he didn't save Red Speedy because fuck him. Who needs an archer to help protect Earth against Darkseid? That sounds a lot like babysitting.

I'm sure Watchmen didn't exist on Earth 2, so Queen Lantern just made this up off the top of his head.

I guess Queen Lantern didn't need to save Red Speedy because Replacement Batman and his Not Quite the Justice Society took Red Speedy's corpse with them when they retreated to Paradise Island. I really thought he was left behind last issue. I guess if Red Speedy has any chance of coming back to life, it's not going to be while floating in a big green bubble with Alan and Kendra. Although I don't think heroes on Earth 2 are going to be allowed to come back to life. Or maybe they will all come back to life but wind up on the other team. Perhaps Darkseid has figured out the Anti-Life Equation and he's using it to make dead super heroes fight on his side. Which means Red Speedy will become Dead Red Speedy.

Replacement Batman blames Red Speedy's death on Val-el simply because Val-el is a pacifist. I think Replacement Batman might be a little bit angry about heroes that choose not to kill (let alone not fight at all! Lazy!) since he lost his stupid refuse-to-kill-anybody son. Jimmy Olsen has a few choice words for Replacement Batman.

On Earth 2, Jimmy Olsen has a photographic memory! Get it?!

I'd forgotten that Replacement Batman is addicted to Miraclo. It's so much better having Batman using Miraclo than having some jerk named Hourman using the pill! I've never liked Hourman as a super hero. But I do like him as the poster boy for why taking drugs is awesome! The whole addiction part of Hourman's story is nonsense. I don't mean that he's not addicted to his Miraclo pills! I just mean who the fuck cares if you're addicted to pills when they make you super strong! I doubt he was really addicted to the pills anyway. Hourman wasn't any different than Hal Jordan who was simply addicted to being a hero. I suppose the drug addiction was an analogy or an allegory or satire or something. Pick whatever word you want and make it work. I would pick analogy simply because it has "anal" in it.

I hope Accountable Olsen does become the new Robin! Then I can make fun of him for taking a girl's job!

Meanwhile, Hawkcop and Queen Lantern have tracked The Streak starring Jay Gimmick to Washington, DC.

I'm sure Lord of the Rings didn't exist on Earth 2, so Hawkcop just made this up off the top of her head.

While Queen Lantern distracts the parademons, Hawkcop manages to free The Streak starring Jay Gimmick (as you can see by now, I refuse to stop calling him this). That's pretty much the entire plan except for one more piece that Hawkcop tacks onto the end. The Fledgling Not Quite the Justice Society lead the parademons out of Washington and then contact Replacement Batman for a way to destroy the creatures. Kendra asks Replacement Batman, "Do you know the Pied Piper?" That got me excited for a second thinking that Alan was going to have a new love interest but then I realized Hawkcop was merely talking about the story of the Pied Piper. Lame.

And finally, Accountable Olsen talks Val-el into undressing.

I wish I knew some good, easy jokes about black males. But it's hard to make fun of a group of people without any flaws.

Earth Two #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I sure wish we'd get more information about Beguiler and Bedlam. They've got to be Wonder Woman and Batman though, right? I hope my supposition about Darkseid's success at discovering the Anti-Life Equation is at the heart of the heroes being turned evil after they've been killed. Red Speedy will be the litmus paper to determine if this is the case. If he turns alive and evil then that means Darkseid has discovered the Equation! And he's going to need it too since the Anti-Monitor is on the loose in The New 52. They'll either become bitter rivals or roommates with loads of sexual tension. I'm not sure which I'm hoping for more.

Earth 2 #23

Was a satisfactory answer ever given as to why Red Tornado had a huge arrow pointing to his face? Did he get drunk at an android frat party? Does it say "Shit Here" on the other side of his head? And by "him", I'm referring to the original which Tornado Lane's look is based off of.

Tornado Lane isn't exactly a powerhouse hero, is she? No way is she going to defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman in a physical match. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of "try to remember me" and "I know, deep down, you still love me!" nonsense happening. At least, that's what I would expect in a regular book. But I think Tom Taylor has it in him to pull some wacky shit out of his writing pen.

Tornado Lane: "Superman! It's me, Lois! The greatest reporter the world has ever known! Also your wife!"
FtFO Superman: "WHAT?! Greatest reporter?! Clark Kent could report circles around the circles he was reporting around you!"
Tornado Lane: "Your pieces were nothing more than human interest stories! They were the bellybutton lint of real news! And your shitty opinion pieces were, frankly, shitty!"
FtFO Superman: "Without me, you'd only ever have written one article! And it would have been published posthumously!"
Tornado Lane: "KISS ME!"
FtFO Superman: "FUCK ME!"

Then Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts his dick in Tornado Lane's robotic asshole where her sphincter locks up and the kryptonite bomb stashed in her bowels blows them both into confetti.

I imagine this issue should play out something like that.

I imagine this is where Darkseid meows and then makes a cracking whip sound.

The parademon army nearby should have paid more attention to the message Darkseid was trying to convey because I don't think they would have shot Tornado Lane in the back if they realized how much power she had over Flip the Fuck Out Superman. As soon as Tornado Lane is harmed, Flip the Fuck Out Superman destroys about three thousand parademons with a single blast of heat vision.

Flip the Fuck Out Superman puts the war on hold for a bit so he can go somewhere private and "chat" with Tornado Lane. I put chat in quotation marks because it will probably just wind up being Tornado Lois screaming at Flip the Fuck Out Clark for acting like such a huge douche. They leave Val-el and Hawkcop to escape from three thousand more parademons.

And since Val-el is a pacifist, it doesn't look too good for Hawkcop's chances.

Don't worry! Queen Lantern comes along to save their asses. He says, "Who wants to live forever!" And then the parademons go, "We want to live forever!" And then Queen Lantern sings some other lyrics from that song or just goes right into Another One Bites the Dust. He really does remind me of Flash Gordon though!

Oh! Guess where Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Tornado Lane go to talk? A little farm in Smallville, Indianasksasowa! Flip the Fuck Out Clark wants Flip the Fuck Out Ma and Flip the Fuck Out Pa to see that Lois is still alive! Technically! Ma and Pa Kent seem to be dealing with their son's midlife crisis as well as any parents would. Or at least as well as the parents of that Lost in Space kid in that Twilight Zone episode. "What you done to the world, Clark? That's real good, Clark! Real good!" I bet Lana Lang is out in the fucking cornfield with Lex Luthor!

Meanwhile at the Replacement Batcave, the Not Quite the Justice Society are once again under attack.

If only Alfred were still around, he could have held it up at the front door.

Where is Alfred Pennyworth on Earth 2?! He must exist somewhere. I refuse to believe he's dead. I bet he was buried alive with Batman. But he was probably given a bunch of Batman's rebreathers so he can stay alive and dust the crypt every day.

Before the Not Quite the Justice Society can retreat through Sandman's portal to Themyscira, Red Speedy is bit in the neck by an Apokorat and goes down. Replacement Batman sets a self-destruct system (coded Azrael because Azrael blows) that counts down and blows up the Replacement Batcave after everybody escapes. Except Queen Lantern and Hawkcop don't choose to escape. They'd rather sit in the middle of a nuclear explosion than run away like chumps. I'm sure Queen Lantern kept them (and stupid Red Speedy) safe.

Earth 2 #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can't get enough of DC Comics when they're allowed to do whatever the fuck they want! Fuck having to make sure your comic book's continuity doesn't fuck up ten Batman comic books' continuities! I wish just about every comic book took place on a completely different Earth! That would be so much fun! DC should break away from one world tied together and just do more and more worlds! Crisis on Infinite Earths was the dumbest move the company ever made!

Earth 2 #22

Is this the part where one of the Parademons says, "Who wants to live forever anyway?" And then Flash Lantern spends ten minutes crashing a rocket ship into Ming the Merciless while a timer counts down from two and a half minutes?

I saw Flash Gordon in the theater when I was a kid and it was one of the greatest movies I'd ever seen in my life. Star Wars didn't have some guys eyeball pop out of his skull as he had a spike rammed through it! Obviously eight year old me was wrong. Or he was gay and had just discovered camp. Not summer camp which is also good for lots of unexpected gay stuff to happen; camp as in Xena or drag shows! Watching it later in life, it's obvious what's wrong with the movie. Everybody is playing it at the wrong speed! You need to ratchet up that entire movie until Gordon's Countdown until Earth is Destroyed at the end ticks down in real time. I don't know how you'd fit in or understand all of the dialogue. That's technical shit that can be fixed in post since they didn't fix it in post the first time and instead slowed the movie down to fit the speaking roles.

It's also possible that Queen did the music for the movie first, filling the songs with really long, drawn out synth solos which the director had to time the action to.

This issue begins at the moment that Flip the Fuck Out Superman nearly killed Queen Lantern. Since Alan Scott hasn't been around for a few issues, I guess we need to catch up on how not dead he's been.

Oh, excuse me. I guess I meant the opposite of that.

So Alan Scott actually has been dead for the last few issues. But his ring decides it would rather heal him than find a new bearer of the ring like a lazy New Earth ring would have done. New Earth Green Lantern rings can't heal death (unless Simon Baz is wearing it) but Alan Scott has a unique Green Lantern ring that's tied to the Earth and not to some cosmic fascist police corps. So the ring heals him but forgets to make him some clothes so readers get the pleasure of seeing are forced to stare at his naked ass.

Meanwhile, Flip the Fuck Out Superman throws Sloan around a bit for hiding information about another Kryptonian. While he slaps him around a bit, his suit tears, showing a bit of tattoo underneath. It probably says "Fair" on that arm and "Balanced" on the other. Sloan doesn't tell Flip the Fuck Out Superman anything because Bedlam already read his mind. He points out that the other Kryptonian has been kidnapped by a fool in a bat costume.

That's not the real Superman! The real Superman would never admit that Batman was a genuine threat.

Tornado Lane is busy helping Val-El get over his fears (his actual name is Val-Zod but fuck if I'm calling anybody by their actual name in this comic. It's Earth 2! They're all phonies!). She and Replacement Batman probably think curing him of his agoraphobia will be the greatest hurdle in getting him ready to battle Superman. But Tornado Lane learns he's also a pacifist. Fucking hell. This is the most useless Superman Substitute ever!

During the flying lessons, Hawkcop joins them just in time to battle Flip the Fuck Out Superman's parademon army. Flip the Fuck Out Superman decides to go straight for the kill, tackling Val-El into the ground. He's prepared to rip Val's face off when Tornado Lane approaches and reveals the entire reason her consciousness was shoved into this robot in the first place. She let's Clark know that she's Lois. And that her robot vagina is fantastic.

He's imagining how it swirls and sucks right about now.

Earth 2 #22 Rating: +2 Ranking. Not a whole lot is happening in this issue. But even with so many characters and stories to maintain, I'm glad Tom Taylor is not rushing the story. Earth 2 needs a greater share of The New 52 books because one book a month for an entire world with so many characters taking part just is not enough. Take the way this issue seemed like it was going to get Queen Lantern back in the action but we really just learned that Alan died and was reborn. He didn't even get his clothes back yet. Jay Garrick didn't even make an appearance! Which I'm glad for because I don't know what to call him. I also ignored Dr. Fate coming back because I don't know what to call him either. Suggestions are appreciated if you don't mind me making fun of them or saying that I had already thought of them when I steal your suggestion and claim it as my own.