Convergence: Blue Beetle #2

Fists for everybody!

Here's a secret: I hate you all. You all disgust me.

Now please enjoy this review I wrote especially for you!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 was written by Scott Lobdell which means you probably love it. You have absolutely no taste. Your ability to discern intelligent, well-crafted writing is as vibrant and alive as a still born baby in the toilet of the downstairs bathroom at a junior prom. Your approach to living is as haphazard as a seventeen year old boy trying to undo his first bra on his exasperated underage cousin who only got into this situation because she wanted to see her first erect penis and was willing to endure some awkward groping of her newly budding breasts to satisfy her curiosity. That last sentence probably titillated you, you disgusting perv. I can't believe I'm writing this review for you.

Even I never assumed Lobdell could Lobdell a first page even worse than he usually Lobdells it.

Somebody once said (and I know it wasn't you because the last time an original thought flitted its way through your mind, Bill Cosby had yet to rape his fourteenth victim. So, you know, a long time ago) that the first page of a comic book sells the comic book and the last page of the comic book sells the next one. This page is not trying very hard to sell anything except blue paint for the walls in your downstairs pantry. I don't know who said that previous thing about first pages because most of my brain space is used for coming up with original thoughts (as opposed to yours which is mostly used for remembering the items on the Taco Bell menu). It is not used for remembering quotes or who they should be attributed to.

Blue Beetle's question "How hard can it possibly be..." ends with "...to fight a flying legion of super-heroes?" He goes on to say, "You know -- when I started that question it was supposed to be rhetorical." It still is rhetorical, Blue Fuckyou. It's rhetorical because it's a silly question meant to show that you realize the odds are stacked hugely against you. You never once fucking expected a realistic answer that would somehow save you from the situation you've found yourself. But guess what? I suppose you morons reading this commentary probably chuckled at it. You probably thought, "Why that Blue Beetle! Always keeping his sense of humor even in the face of overwhelming teenagers!" No wait. You never would have said that because it only played on a cliche and didn't actually deliver one. Replace "teenagers" with "odds" and that's more like something you'd say. Also maybe misspell a few words and punctuate the statement like Howard Mackie might. Or like Scott Lobdell considering his use of the double dash in the previous Blue Beetle quote.

Also, why is Blue Beetle asking the questions? It seems to me one of the other Charlton characters is much better suited for that task.

Firstly, "Blue Beetle" isn't a stretch. If you're Dan Garrett. I suppose if you're Ted Kord and you're just borrowing the name from Dan and have no actual relationship to the blue scarab, it's kind of a stretch. Secondly, how does he know "Cosmic Boy" is a stretch? He doesn't even know the kid's powers. They could be totally cosmic and boyish!

Blue Beetle pulls the old "Surrender and we'll let you live" routine that so many other Convergence characters prior to this have used. Now, it's not Scott Lobdell's fault that I'm reading his comic book nearly last and I'm as sick of this plot as I am of your breath, so I won't harp on it too much. But Blue Beetle is acting awfully arrogant for a guy whose only power is the ability to constantly verbally abuse his friends.

While Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Brainiac 5 speak with the Charlton gang, the rest of the Legionnaires float around in the sky in standard action figure poses. They must realize that there are far too many of them for Scott Lobdell to deal with. Oh, look how cute you are, turning red and sputtering because I ended that last sentence with a preposition. How much does it bug you that I know it and I don't give a fuck?

Typical Scott Lobdell. Everybody is more amazing than the next person right up until he's written enough pages for the month.

Tracy is in charge of a computer that can decode Interlac in 0.06 seconds but she doesn't know enough to realize Interlac is a language and not just a "something." Also, she doesn't know how to write her decimal correctly in her speech bubble. Not that it matters when Neanderthals like you are reading the comic book.

Colossal Boy shakes the Bug which will probably be the best part of this entire comic book even if nobody inside dies immediately from broken everythings. Instead the Bug teleports away, sadly not taking a few of Colossal Boy's fingers with it.

Jesus fucking Christ. Am I the only one paying attention to these things?! Hello? Comic book fans? Are you fucking literate? You people actually enjoy poorly written garbage?

Go ahead. Reread that page and tell me why it's fucking stupid. If you don't know what's wrong with it then you are not allowed to have opinions on whether comic books are well-written or not. Chameleon Boy begins a philosophical and ethical discussion about how if they win, a city full of innocent people will be destroyed. He has a problem with that. He's thinking maybe they need to deal with that instead of just going in and winning the fight. Catspaw and Robot Arms Snake Lass continue this discussion. It's an important discussion. But then Green Skirt Lad says it's a moot point because they're going to defeat these Charlton guys easy-peasy. Which is not a "moot point" at all but the entire point of the fucking conversation! Fuck you, Green Skirt Lad!

Blue Beetle needs precisely six minutes to enact some plan that will be so amazing that they'll beat Telos at his own game. Captain Atom's plan to distract the Legion of Super-heroes?

Poorly set-up and contrived one-liners!

No! Stop it, you! Do not laugh at that. I understand it's hard for an unimaginative moron not to laugh at all of the simple-minded bullshit that the entertainment-industrial complex spews into your eager for any kind of entertainment face receptacle. But if you're going to read my comic book reviews, I need you to have some kind of minimum standard. I'm not exactly sure where to set the bar for jokes you may find funny but I know Scott Lobdell's jokes are far, far beneath that bar.

Legion fails to stop Captain Atom even though they outnumber him infinity to one but I guess we're all still waiting on Blue Beetle's plan to save everybody. His plan is whatever and it whatevers then they all whatever and Telos smiles knowingly.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 Rating: I'm not going to give this comic book any rating because that would only encourage Scott Lobdell.

Divergence: Black Canary
"The newly rechristened band Black Canary seems to be a magnet for trouble...and Dinah's not gonna believe it when she finds out the reason why!"

What was wrong with the name "Ashes On Sunday"? It was more upbeat than Black Canary!

Does nobody else have a problem with Black Canary being the lead singer of a rock group? It seems a bit irresponsible. All it takes is one slip up, one well-timed mind control attack by a super-villain, one wrong note...and the heads of everybody in the audience explode. I guess Black Canary has walked away from worse disasters without any consequences. Like that time she and her Birds of Prey blew up an entire hotel without evacuating any of the occupants.

Black Canary and her band cause trouble at every venue in which they perform. Why? I don't know. Is Blue Devil in the band? He was a weirdness magnet, remember? I think Black Canary must be a violence magnet. She does try to smooth over all of the trouble when it confronts her but I guess her tour schedule is too hectic for her to pay people or apologize to people or to break up with people or to do anything except flee from city to city with a wave of angry people following in the band's wake because these angry people apparently don't have lives of their own.

I don't get it. This Sneak Peek doesn't make me want to read this comic book. It makes me want to murder everybody lining up at the Hawthorne Theater every night. It also makes Black Canary look like a huge dick. I think it's supposed to portray her in the opposite way because she tries to make amends with all of the angry people gathered at her show. But why does she leave so many angry people in her wake? Because she's a huge, selfish, narcissistic dick, right?

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1

Whoopee! I don't have to go two months without Scott Lobdell!

I have never before read a Dan Garrett Blue Beetle comic book (unless I read one in one of those Secret Origins comics DC likes to publish every few years) but I guarantee that this will be the worst one I'll ever read in my life! That's a fact!

No, no! I shouldn't allow Lobdell's previous New 52 train wrecks on the Teen Titans and Superman and Red Hood to bias my reading of this comic book. The whole point of Convergence is to give us all a chance to start over with a slate already muddied and fucked-up by old DC continuity! And I, for one, will not spoil my chance to be reborn! This is Scott Lobdell's day to shine! This is the day that I will laugh at his stupid fucking jokes! I will marvel at his meta-textual use of the word "meta-textual!" I will not read this while constantly thinking, "This is not a Blue Beetle story. This is a story of a protagonist that can be switched with any other hero in the DC Universe and still work! If by 'work' I mean 'not really make a whole lot of sense but is still kind of story-shaped.'"

This issue takes place on Earth-4 in Hub City! And their opponents? The Legion of Super-heroes from 31st Century Metropolis! Is that why Lobdell got the gig? Because he'll be writing teenagers? Who in the comic book field still thinks Scott Lobdell is good at writing teenagers? I think the only people that buy into his teenage characters are below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! No offense, below average intelligence thirteen year old boys!

If there is one demographic that needs more putting down, it's below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! Stop showing your dick to your classmates and read the fucking text book, kid! I get it! School is bullshit! What an observation! Guess what else is bullshit? Your future! Har!

I hope no below average intelligence thirteen year old boys figure out where I live because they can probably beat the crap out of me.

That one in green and yellow stripes isn't a man! I bet they're not all mad either!

Vic Sage doesn't ask one question during his report. I bet since the dome fell, he hasn't been able to ask a single question! He finally stopped ruining every dinner by shouting, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?!"

The Madmen have decided to reenact Les Miserables right in the middle of the street and the national guard is not happy about it. Their rendition of "A Little Fall of Rain" was toneless and lacked any sense of heartbreak. "Master of the House" seemed to be played just to emphasize the swearing and the dirty bits. "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" was upbeat and set to a ragtime tune! It was just a complete travesty and the city just wasn't going to stand it any longer. If only The Question could have reprised his role as Jean Valjean but, alas, his ability to ask that one pertinent question went out with the dome.

The Madmen find the critique harsh and disrespectful, leaving them only one choice.

Maybe the national guard would prefer Godspell?

Nathaniel Adam was the guy who yelled fire. You probably know him better as Captain Atom. Get it? His name is Adam and he's a captain! Vic Sage is the Question and he's a reporter with lots and lots of questions he wants answered! And they're both friends with Ted Kord who is the Blue Beetle. I'm surprised Ted Kord gets to be the Blue Beetle but since I really don't know the history of the Charlton Comics, I probably shouldn't be surprised by anything I read. Or everything, actually! One of those. What I'm trying to say is I'm completely ignorant!

Ted Kord has been busy building, according to his assistant Tracy, "another big expensive nothing-burger." That's snappy clever dialogue that will catch on with all the kids! Unless it already caught on with the kids? Is that something the kids say? Or is that something Scott Lobdell thinks the kids say? I wouldn't know because I say things that come out of my own brain instead of totes using things everybody is already saying. I mean, I can't even. You know what I mean, guys?

This is typical Scott Lobdell dialogue. He thinks he's being clever by twisting an old saying but he just winds up writing dialogue that doesn't make sense. So visionary people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results? Sounds about wrong.

Nat Adams pays Ted Kord a visit. Luckily Kord works on his machines with the news broadcasting on a television in his work space so he can point at the news reporter saying "Massacre at the Barricade!" at just the right moment.

Ted: "You're murdering people, you murderer!"
Nat: "I'm keeping the peace through murder! The people want murder! I mean peace! Via murder!"
Ted: "I'm trying to save everybody from the dome!"
Nat: "I'm saving them with murder!"
Tracy: "You guys need to hug and make up! No amount of murders should ruin a friendship!"

Ted and Nat make up because Ted wants to shoot his laser and Nat wants to feel regret for the murders he committed but that would probably take too many pages so he spends one panel remembering them and then everybody moves past the fact that he murdered a bunch of unhappy poor people.

Ted blasts the dome with a laser and Captain Atom gets his powers back! And his ridiculous fucking costume. Can I blame that on Scott Lobdell too? Please?!

What the fuck, you asshole? You couldn't fly through the big fucking hole in the roof that you just saw the lights through?! I'm more angry at this vandalism than the murders!

The light is being caused by Dr. Spectro because he got his powers back as well.

Let me tell you a little something about Scott Lobdell: he doesn't understand rules. Maybe he couldn't come up with a story that didn't revolve around the superpowered Charlton characters so he came up with this cheat about Ted Kord cracking the dome. Then he probably whined and moaned that it's actually a good character moment because out of all the characters in the DC Universe, which one of them would have the ability to crack the dome even slightly? I mean besides all the ones you'd think of before Ted Kord. Get to Ted Kord already and agree with Scott. But this isn't the only proof of Lobdell not being able to play the game that editorial sets up. Remember Flashpoint? Remember how there was no time travel? Remember who brought fucking Harvest in from the future via time travel? Yep! Scott Lobdell! I think. Maybe it was DeFalco.

Anyway, now the dome is up but a bunch of people with super powers are flying around the city.

Fuck, I hate myself. Now I'm tempted to go back and delete my previous lines about being surprised.

This next panel is a real doozy!

This is one of those stupid jokes he would have wedged into any of his comic books.

First, this comic book should be taking place in a time when the phrase "honest injun" probably wasn't a big deal. Second, Nathaniel Adam is a military man and would hardly care about correcting a villain using an insulting term. Third, Nathaniel Adam was just responsible for murdering a dozen poor people in the streets of Hub City so it seems a little hypocritical to be correcting somebody's use of an offensive phrases.

As Cap and Doc bicker about niceties, some Booster Gold motherfucker appears and asks where he might be. My guess is that it really is Booster Gold because his penis needs to have a good time with Blue Beetle's puckered ass. He must have come from an alternate future reality because remember how Scott Lobdell doesn't remember how those things work and how this dome is out of space and time?

I hope whoever is writing the Booster Gold book isn't somebody whose writing I like because I'm probably going to hate that book too if it's crossing over with this one.

Booster Gold disappears and everybody loses their powers. So maybe Blue Beetle's machine did something other than crack the dome. And whatever it did probably makes sense in a way that will make me feel like an asshole for picking apart the story.

No, it won't. I'll be fine.

Telos arrives and tells everybody about that battling deal. Cap gets his power back and Doctor Spectro probably would get his back if he hadn't shattered every bone in his body falling from the sky when he lost his powers earlier. The Question arrives and they all pack into the Beetle's Bug as the dome disappears. Next issue, more shitty writing! Also a battle against the Legion of Super-heroes!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1 Rating: Suckity suck. Some people might be charmed by dialogue like "I suspect Telos is an unreliable narrator" or "I accomplished nothing--nothing!" or "the last thing we need right now is your transcendental nihilistic dime store crap" or "why would I possibly care about offending anyone?" or "this is frustrating." But I see it as Scott Lobdell sprinkling his story with unconscious moments where he's openly talking about his own writing. Poor guy. Maybe one day he'll work through his low self-esteem and hit one out of the ballpark!