Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2

Don't expect to see any more of Superwoman in this issue. She was electrocuted for enjoying sex.

According to my air conditioner, it's 41 degrees in here right now. I don't think that means I need to put on a jacket. I think that means I need a new air conditioner.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman walking about morosely in a park because she doesn't get to fight anybody in Multiversal Thunderdome. That's because her opponent was lit up like a festive Non-Denominational Holiday Tree! I'm glad she's making an appearance though. I was thinking about beginning this commentary by stating how it would star exactly zero women because they were all killed last issue. And by "all," I mean "the only female to appear in the entire comic last issue."

This is why I'm sick of Convergence. I have to read this quandary ten times per week. You would think if any characters in this battle would just jump in wholeheartedly, it would be the Crime Syndicate! Stop being such huge pussies (yes, I'm problematic. I'm just trying to avoid being gross! I don't want fifteen year olds (or those with the mental maturity of fifteen year olds) to hate me!).

Superman One Million and Aquaman One Million have the exact same conversation. Which totally explains why Aquaman and Power Ring begin punching each other without trying to talk it out a few panels later!

Aquaman One Million battles with an anchor. I think that's a metaphor!

Ultraman meets up with Wonder Woman which means they'll probably fall in love and declare that they'd rather die than fight with each other. I think that was the plot of a Shakespeare play, "Three Suicides and a Gang Fight."

Tempting? What don't I know about Batman One Million?! Is he gay or just into fucking owls? According to The Bible, the former is worse than the latter. Deuteronomy Something Colon Something.

Batman One Million doesn't want to fight. He wants to team up with Owlman to find Telos and go to prom with him. Owlman doesn't want to fight either so you probably think the two of them won't be fighting. If you reached that conclusion, you don't read enough comic books. Owlman also doesn't want to go find Telos with Batman One Million which makes Batman One Million want to fight Owlman. Batman One Million is an asshole.

The Flashes run by at that moment going fast enough to run straight up a building but not too fast so that Batman can't see them perfectly. Johnny Quick knocks out Flash One Million and says, "Say goodnight, Gracie!!!" So apparently they have Burns and Allen on Earth-3! Sorry! I mean Allen and Burns. But they apparently don't have the show in the 853rd Century. Or Batman just doesn't have a sense of humor. Both of those postulations are plausible.

He should have said, "Good night, Gracie!!!"

Let's see how the fight between Aquaman and Power Ring is progressing! First off, Power Ring shows his ignorance by calling Aquaman's anchor a "trident." Aquaman mentions that he's from Neptune. Power Ring jumps to the conclusion that that means Aquaman can breathe underwater. Does Power Ring really believe that Neptune is a giant ocean planet? Maybe he's just dumb enough to be correct because in the 853rd Century, Neptune just might be that! Wonder Woman lives on and protects Venus and she didn't look scarred from the corrosive atmosphere. Which planet does Batman live on? The one he renamed "Batplanet"?

Batman One Million actually did let Owlman run from him which was the right decision. But Owlman only ran from him when Batman One Million said that they must fight even though he didn't want to fight him. Batman One Million also watched Flash One Million crash into the street after falling unconscious from the top of a building and he just walked away to leave Flash to die. Batman One Million has important business with Superman One Million! He can't let himself be distracted by petty concerns over one life hanging in the balance.

Batman One Million tells Superman One Million that the power source for the planet is beneath the surface. So it's time to punch a hole in the ground and spelunk their asses off.

Owlman just looks like a man who was swallowed by an owl.

Owlman surrenders but just before Wonder Woman One Million crushes his skull, Superwoman arrives! I guess she did get her powers back just before the switch was thrown. Or she was pardoned at the last minute by a repentant justice system that finally realized the vengeance driven hypocrisy of state mandated murder. No, no! That would never happen! She most likely got her powers back.

Although Ernie Chambers of Omaha managed to get a red state to repeal the death penalty! Of course the logic behind Republicans changing their mind about the death penalty has nothing to do with compassion and the possibility of innocent people being killed and everything to do with the cost. So that's par for the course! But at least they made the right decision no matter the reasons. I guess.

The earthquake hits while Superwoman and Wonder Woman One Million begin their fight for the fate of their cities. But we all know it doesn't matter so do I really care which one wins?

It's a good thing I don't care because the issue ends with both women being crushed under rubble (and Batman One Million lost in the collapse of the cave he's exploring). But then one climbs from the rubble! But she's lost her gloves or bracers and the shadows are just right so you can't see the top of her outfit which leaves no way of determining which one survived! Take that, readers!

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #2 Rating: 10 Rats out of 6.5. Get it?!

Divergence: Cyborg
"The ultimate tech hero thought he knew everything abut his unique cybernetic body.

He was wrong."

I bet he discovers he has a robot vagina to go along with his human cock! If that's not what he discovers, I think I've lost interest because there's no way it'll be as interesting as that.

In the Sneak Peek, Cyborg is killed by some creatures called the Tekbreakers. They steal his arms and his kidneys and then leave. But then Cyborg's backup operating system kicks in and regenerates him. His body repairs itself and he comes back to life, growing new arms, new kidneys, and probably a vagina. I hope he didn't lose his BOOM Tube technology! Although that's probably what was stolen by the Tekbreakers along with his White Noise Blaster Arm. I guess Cyborg's technology needed to be updated after thirty plus years of blasting things with white noise. I have to agree. That shit was lame by issue fifteen of The Teen Titans.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2

I'm eating Carrot Cake right now, so I think I know who I want to win.

How many times have you gone to the library and suddenly realized, "Why am I drunk in a library?" Well no more! From now on, my comic book reviews are going to be so full of reviewer goodness that you'll wonder why you even bother to cultivate your own opinions!

Am I supposed to read the comic book before I actually review it? I've been doing this incorrectly for three years, so I don't know exactly what I'm doing. This will probably be how I'll feel when I have sex for the first time. I mean, ha ha! That was fiction! As a writer, I'm allowed to tell lies because it brings out the greater truth of the world. And the greater truth is that I've done it like infinity times and every time I do it, it's like doing it for the first time. Remember how incredible the first time was? I totally remember it like it was yesterday! Except it wasn't yesterday! It was, like, when I was twelve or something! But oh boy! Remember how great that first time was?! I mean, if you're male. If you're female, remember how incredible the time was when you finally decided to have sex with an older guy with experience who didn't premature ejaculate all over your clothing as soon as he saw you look directly at his cock? I'll leave the following paragraph blank for people whose first times weren't heterosexual because I don't want to erase their experiences by not writing about them at all because I can barely make up my totally real and believable first hetero experience, so I probably shouldn't even attempt to make up a first time experienced by other sexualities!

___________________________________________________________________________!

This issue begins with Pig Iron being teleportated into Multiversal Thunderdome by Alley Kat-abra so that Pig Iron can warn Captain Carrot about how crazy his opponent, Harley Quinn, really is. I think "Pig Iron" is some kind of old fashioned pun that none of the kids or the hip young cats understand anymore. Or is that "hep young cats"? This modern slang is tough to keep track of! I mean, this modern slang is of which tough to keep track!

Kal Kan was a kind of pet food! Who is writing this comic book? Mister Old Person Von Oldestperson?

Mister Oldestperson is actually doing a really good job of making me believe that these characters came out of a pre-1985, pre-Crisis on Infinite Earths universe. So that's a positive thing to say in my review! That means the comic book is doing well so far and I'm only on the first page! Do I start giving it stars right now? Is that how people get to three and a half out of ten star reviews?! I'm going to give it half a carrot for making me roll my eyes and check the year on the calendar. Good work, Mr. Oldestperson! I truly believe that these characters are from a time before things were interesting.

From now on when this comic earns or loses Review Carrots (those are like stars but bunnies are interested in them), I'll just add a note in parentheses like this: (+1). That one doesn't count! Plus I'll assume that all comics begin with Five Whatevers!

Pig Iron runs into Harley Quinn whose profile looks like a sexy rabbit so he obviously mistakes her for Captain Carrot. (+1)

"No squealers" means either Harley doesn't want Pig Iron telling Captain Carrot about her or she's not going to do it to him in the butt without his consent.

Harley smashes him into bits because Pig Iron is apparently a robot. That's the pig part of him. I mean the iron part! Dammit. I had a fifty percent chance to not screw that up and I did! Now I wish my backspace and delete keys weren't worn out from all of my previous backspacing and deleting!

Harley Quinn writes a message for Captain Carrot on the wall in Pig Iron's oil: "Rabbit Season." I don't think Harley Quinn watched enough Bugs Bunny cartoons! She should not be willingly taking the role of Elmer Fudd in this battle! Now the issue can't end any way except with Harley shooting herself in the face with a shotgun.

I bet there's a scene where Captain Carrot says, "It's Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Clown Season!" And Harley says, "Rabbit Season!" And Captain Carrot says, "Rabbit Season!" And Harley says, "Clown Season!" And then Harley will shoot herself in the face.

Captain Carrot mutters, "You shall be avenged, old buddy," to Pig Iron's corpse which is weird because they're cartoons and Pig Iron will be just fine. Heck, when I turn the page, his head, torn from his body and lying in a pool of oil, will probably answer Captain Carrot with a "Thoinks good buddy!"

Get it? I said "thoinks" instead of "thanks!" Just the way a pig would say it!

After Captain Carrot says that think about avengeance, the comic book reverts to one hour earlier. I hate when comic books do that (-0.5!). But I guess we need to see how Captain Carrot got to this point. We know how Harley did! She ran out of medication, began talking to invisible fish, was told by her friends that she couldn't defeat a costumed rabbit, and then probably pooped on the coffee table before running from the room with her mallet going "Yoik yoik yoik yoik yoik!"

Check out the Amazing Fetish Crew in the top panel! I had to say that because you probably didn't notice it being that you're probably not as good at reading comics as I am.

Here comes Harley pleasantly accepting the role of Elmer Fudd! She's not very bright when it comes to cartoons. Although Captain Carrot is the good guy, so I guess Harley is doomed to lose no matter what. It's not like that coyote that was really a crazy clown ever caught the roadrabbit, right? She's destined to lose. And not only lose, but have horrible things happen to her! Running into cliff walls with painted on tunnels. Acme safes falling out of the sky. Shotguns. Lumps of tea that aren't sugar at all! The good guy and the rabbit always come out on top!

Harley lies to Captain Carrot and tells him that she has a whole bunch of super powers that she doesn't actually have. The only super power she has is Pants on Fire. Unless the arena they're fighting in is like the Roller Playing Game "Toons" where the combatants can pretty much do anything they can think of. Back in the Zoo Crew Universe, the New Zoo Revue Gang are trying to figure out a way to help Captain Carrot.

Remember that show New Zoo Revue? It was so creepy! It was this gay guy and his beard and they lived in a village with a gigantic mutated owl, a juvenile delinquent frog (also giant and mutated), and a prissy hippo with the biggest nostrils anybody has ever seen. It had a theme song that went something like "It's the New Zoo Revue! Coming right at you!" That was always my cue to dive behind the couch and pray.

Meanwhile funny stuff happens that you wouldn't believe if you didn't read the comic book and you were too cheap to buy it and you expected me to tell you all of the jokes but now are sorely disappointed in my story telling skills (+1)(+1)(+1)(+0.5!).

People say that tight clothing leaves nothing to the imagination but if you've never seen a naked woman before, you better believe you'd be imagining a whole lot of different stuff! Like what does a lady's pee-pee look like and how come in tight clothing I can't see the outline of it?!

After Harley (and Steve Pugh because he's the writer and a traitorous unloyal jerk because of the thing I'm going to point out after the parentheses close) says, "I wish Animal Man were here. Hey, I wonder if anyone's ever said that before?", Pig Iron appears out of a Alley Kat-abra's magick portal. The comic book catches up to how it started except it shows one important scene that's probably important if you like your Harley dangerous but not mean to animals: Pig Iron is teleported back to Zoo Crew Revue World by Telos's robots because he wasn't supposed to participate in the battle. But he peed a little oil and dropped his belt buckle when Harley hit him with her hammer. It's his urine that Harley uses to write Rabbit Season on the fence.

Harley and Captain Carrot wind up on the roller coaster when that mysterious earthquake hits. The tracks crumble, sending them (and Harley's fish, Mister Mackeral Cakes) to their tiny deaths. Tiny deaths is a euphemism for being unconscious, right?

The tiny deaths don't last very long though.

Oh my god! I just realized Harleen is a doctor! And Captain Carrot is a rabbit! So is he going to say it?! Is he?!

Harley says, "Hey, what's up?" That's as close as DC's lawyers would probably let them get, I guess.

So later, Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy team up again to travel the world in a florist's van. Also the earthquake hits while they're leaving so I guess the earlier rumble was simply the roller coaster falling apart because Harley smashed some structural supports with her hammer.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #2 Rating: 9.5 Review Carrots! Hello my baby! Steve Pugh can write jokes! I always knew he was funny because have you seen his art? HA! Burn! And a zing! That was a burnzing! Now that I'm doing actual reviews, maybe I'll get a blurb in a trade paperback! Hey DC Comics! I said one of your comic books was good! You can quote me on that! My name is Grunion Guy! With two "G"s! I'll give you my bank account information when you're ready to pay me for using my blurb!

Divergence: Section Eight
"Befuddled hero Sixpack returns to Gotham City, desperate to rebuild all-star team Section Eight -- the greatest super heroes of all time, unseen since t end of the hit series Hitman!"

Yay! Yay! So many yays! Section Eight is back! And they're probably going to save the world from Darkseid! I can't wait to see Darkseid with dogs welded onto him as he's thrown out of a window after his honeymoon with Bueno Excellente!

The Sneak Peek begins with Dogwelder sneaking out of the Gotham City pound with a sack full of dogs ripe for the welding. As he's leaving, he runs into some wannabe newbies just itchin' to be members of Section Eight!

Unless they're trying to make a name for themselves by killing Dogwelder!

I don't think they're cool enough for Section Eight. Look at these heroes!

Okay, maybe Guts will make the cut.

Powertool asks Dogwelder what happened because he seems to remember hearing that Six Pack and the others all died. I guess he doesn't realize DC Comics had a Reboot! That was like a dream now or something. Although Hitman is still dead according to Batman and Robin #27. Unless it wasn't really that clear! I do keep hoping Tommy returns as well.

Grapplah gets too up in Dogwelder's face and Powertool asks too many questions and Guts, well...look at him! Ew! So Dogwelder gets them to leave him alone the only way he knows how: by welding dogs!

I hope there isn't a sudden rash of dogweldings or DC Comics will be up the courtroom creek!

It's a good thing we had this prologue to Section Eight! I was worried that Dogwelder was stealing living dogs from the pound and welding them to people. It's comforting to know he's just using the ones murdered by the pound. I wonder if he'll get an archenemy in this series: Catgrafter!

This is going to be the best comic ever published.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1

Please let this be Jonah Hex versus the Crime Syndicate!

I bet Jonah Hex isn't even on the Fight Card on the inside cover since the Crime Syndicate isn't going to be from Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis! So this comic will probably be Earth-3 Siloportem versus the Watchmen Universe's Tuscon, Arizona.

Remember Rom? I don't. But in 9th Grade, it was my friend Aaron Crawford's favorite comic book. He's also the one who told me about Crisis On Infinite Earths and kick-started my meager comic book collection. Unless it was 8th Grade.

The fight in this issue is Earth-3's Metropolis against the 853rd Century Metropolis. That's the DC One Million cats, right?

This issue begins with one of the Golden Age Crime Syndicate (probably Lois Lane since the Narration Boxes are handwritten on lined pages) thinking about how they're a bunch of fucking pussies compared to The New 52 Crime Syndicate.

Probably Superwoman: "We didn't want to be called the Crime Syndicate! We didn't mean to be bad! It's just that we had been struck by something, possibly destiny, possibly fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Or maybe we just thought robbing shit was fun! But we weren't like murderers or nothin'!"

Pshaw! "If you'd had made...." I guess Superwoman is actually Diana in the original version because Lois wouldn't have made that mistake.

Superwoman is on death row and about to be put to death like they like to do to people on death row. But her villainous cohorts have come to break her free! Maybe! It's hard to tell because remember that old saying? There is no honor among dishonorable people?

Yeesh. It is Lois! I guess that makes sense since everything on Earth-3 is the opposite of all of the other Earths.

Looking into it a little deeper, it seems Superwoman is the Earth-3 version of Wonder Woman but she took the name Lois Lane to make things confusing.

Meanwhile in the 853rd Century Metropolis (which is currently right down the block from Earth-3 Metropolis), Justice Legion Alpha hold a meeting to discuss what huge pussies they are too.

Superman One Million: "No killing, Batman One Million! No! Bad bat!"
Batman One Million: "Aww, shucks!"
The Wall: "BOOOM! I mean, THOOOM!"
Atom One Million: "Croak!"

Flip-flopping back to Earth-3, the prison break commences! Or continues!

I think his helmet is on too tight.

The Crime Syndicate don't run their fastest as far as they can or something. I'm confused now! Anyway, they're stopped by the Rogue Hunters composed of Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang, Weather Wizard, Captain Cold, and Stripesy. Apparently comic book tech works on Earth-3 unlike the other Earths. Or maybe if your technology is shaped like a gun, it's allowed to work because Captain Cold shoots ice all over the place.

I should also point out how closely my fairly shitty, quickly thrown together Captain Cold costume matches the one in this book.

The gloves don't match but I'm sure if our boots hadn't been cut out of either picture, they'd make up for the gloves!

The Crime Syndicate fail to reach Lois before the lever is pulled and she's electrocuted. But I bet the dome went up just before she was killed and she got her invulnerability back just in time! I just bet!

Back in Future Metropolis, Lex Luthor Look-a-Likes One Million continue to hunt Justice Legion Alpha. Probably because their name is ridiculous but it can still be shortened to JLA. Clever!

Planet Brainiac actually waits a few beats too long to make his demands on the "heroes." So I guess Superwoman really is dead! That's okay. There were too many women on the team anyway. Telos teleports the Crime Syndicate into battle with Justice Legion Alpha. Unless they're actually Justice League A like the Lex Luthor Look-a-Like called them.

Most of the Crime Syndicate choose not to fight because remember that thing about them being pussies? Of course you remember that because I'm not supposed to be calling people pussies! That's wrong and I totally apologize for doing it because I'm a huge pussy and I don't want people writing nasty comments to me. But Ultraman does want to fight! He knocks Superman One Million into a building and proclaims one-fifth of a victory! The other four-fifths will have to wait until next issue.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1 Rating: This is only my second Golden Age Convergence issue and I'm completely bored of the Golden Age! Where are the super ridiculous plots that make no sense?! Where is Superman with a lion's head?! Or Ma and Pa Kent dying of some Caribbean disease?! Or Batman tossing criminals into vats of acid willy-nilly?! If these are really characters from the Golden Age, my suspension of disbelief should be straining under the weight of silly, nonsensical stories targeted at children! This story seems to have mixed up "whimsical" with "boring." Is Convergence over yet?!

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1

My pants are tremendously excited for this comic book!

Big surprise revelation coming: this issue, which has criminals known for making Gotham their home on the cover, takes place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham City! I can't wait until I read a comic book with a different match-up than this. The home field advantage goes to the biggest world listed on the fight card (in this case, Pre-Flashpoint Gotham) which means the reader should probably be rooting for that world to win. I guess you can root for Captain Carrot or The Extremists but you're going to be disappointed when your team loses. I bet the other cities with home field advantage who we're supposed to be rooting for are all from the Pre-Flashpoint Universe. We'll probably have Pre-Flashpoint Central City and Pre-Flashpoint Metropolis and Pre-Flashpoint Star City and Pre-Flashpoint Coast City and Pre-Flashpoint Keystone City which might be the same thing as Pre-Flashpoint Central City. I might not be as good a detective as The Jeezly Crow Batman but I have a feeling the Pre-Flashpoint Universe is going to get a second chance alongside The New 52 universe. It's possible by the end of this, seven timelines will actually get a chance to exist and they'll replace the seven question mark universes in the Multiverse Guidebook. Although if that happens, I don't know where the Monitors are going to keep their porn.

So I guess this guy in Pre-Flashpoint Britain sent the skull to his exhibition and then the world ended but Pre-Flashpoint Gotham was whisked away to Telos where, with everything in chaos, the museum still decided to hold the art show. For morale, probably!

It's also possible this is the moment of transference. It makes sense since there's an awful lot of that funny colored portal smoke wafting about the battle. There's also a cop or two that, just like always, forgets that guns are long range weapons. They shoot one of Harley's henchmen from a distance but when it comes to drawing down on Harley, the police officer does it close enough so that she kicks him in the stomach and he drops his gun. Then the next cop gets close enough to be beat down by her mallet. And then everybody begins staring at the sky and the newly formed dome that just appeared overhead.

So Harley had super strength?

The dome negates super powers so Harley Quinn must have some super power that I never knew about. I don't think she had super strength so I guess she had some kind of Cartoon Physics Field surrounding her. That's why she can kill people in crazy, whimsical ways that seem cute rather than violent.

This issue is called "Down the Rabbit Hole" because Gotham has a weird obsession with Alice in Wonderland. I wonder how many stories that have taken place in Gotham have been called "Down the Rabbit Hole"? I bet like 25% of them.

After this opening, the story flashes forward to Harleen without any face paint and in regular, non-harlequin clothes. She seems upbeat and happy about living under the dome. While some people see it as a prison, she views it as a safe haven and proof that something greater is looking out for the people of Gotham. She's right! I'm glad at least one panda in the zoo sees it for the good it's accomplishing!

Is Vicki Vale still publishing new news stories? "LIFE UNDER DOME BORING AS HELL" "BATMAN CAUGHT IN INFLATABLE JOKER SCANDAL" "LOIS LANE STILL DEAD"

Harley is currently living with the police officer she nearly killed the day the dome arrived. She's also run out of medication so she's starting to hear The Joker again. But Louie the Cop fucks her and she forgets all about it.

Meanwhile, some common thugs are trying to steal Poison Ivy's garden. What is it with her garden? Everybody wants a piece of it. One of the thugs mentions that she no longer has her powers so she's just another common crook. But she still has her botanical know-how! So she can still create all of her special concoctions that blew minds and hypnotized people with kisses and poisoned them with a touch. It just takes a little more work than secreting that shit out of her skin, right?

I guess Pamela is less interested in mixing chemicals than just growing plants because, once again, she needs rescuing. This time Catwoman saves her garden. During the fight, Planet Brainiac gets on the loudspeaker and informs Gotham that they need some champions to fight for their city. So that means Pamela's garden was attacked by The Penguin during the day and then later that night by these thugs, if I've got my timeline straight. Harley mentions earlier that there are always strawberries available so why is everybody after Pamela's garden? I'm beginning to think that's just a creepy euphemism and everybody is still being affected by Poison Ivy's pheromones.

Planet Brainiac informs the populace that one of the main match-ups is Harley Quinn versus Captain Carrot! Cartoon physics versus cartoon physics! This outta be good! Too bad Catwoman and Poison Ivy don't exactly have much faith in their girl.

Batman and Robin wear capes and they don't fucking fly! I think wearing a cape just indicates a hero's penchant for feeling fancy. Also, I'm fairly certain Nightwing can do a perfect Harley imitation.

Catwoman and Poison Ivy pay Harley a visit to make sure she's completely insane again so that she can beat Captain Carrot at his own game. Although the rabbit almost always beats the hunter so they need to come up with a better plan than the usual cartoon plan that just winds up with the non-bunny shooting themselves in the face.

Convergence: Harley Quinn #1 Rating: Who's the asshole at DC Comics that thought this match-up would be awesome, hunh?! I get the joke! Hell, I mentioned it when I speculated on Harley maybe having cartoon physics powers that she lost because of the dome. But now who am I supposed to root for?! I can't root against Captain Carrot! Although we all know Captain Carrot never really had a chance to beat everybody else in Multiversal Thunderdome. And anyway, a fairly normal version of him already exists in The New 52. So who needs the old one anyway? I guess anybody who can't get enough puns in their lives.

Futures End: The Phantom Stranger #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome back, Scanners! Old Goggs hopes dat youse alls pickin up dis broadcasts, ja? Sees it, yer ol' pal Goggs hadda movem dat tenna down onna lower balcony und cover 'er allup inna garbage sacks and brokeded furnichairs. Seems dem Long Boxes gits windy that Goggs graspin a gargaton collection of dem Formertime comics. Dems Long Boxes jacked dem a Dynamite distribution drone what been combin' da sky touchers fer signs of broadcastin quipmens, feels? Dem NB-words sayin ta demselfs and each others, "That shtupid shlut Gogglesh, she thinksh she'sh sho fuckin' great shitting up there in her fucking palash, untouchable, free to shay whatever she fuckin wantsh. Fucking bitch gonna fucking pay! Get our drone down to the corner of Fifth Shquared and have it follow her recording drone back to her hidey hole. Then we'll fucking show her what a real fucking comic book fan can do!"

Ja, ja, Old Goggs know youse wonderem how she knowit what dem monsters uz sayin, bets? Old Goggs gots more techknowhow den recortin' drones, I tells ya true. Dem Long Boxes fink dem da onny fuckin dusters what can apprecilike dis here littyrapture. Gotsta keep tabs on dem and dere nonsenses, sees? Dey mostly inta all dem spank trades by HerSimone anydust, sos Goggles knows dey jess affer her cause she a girl got more brains, muscles, wits, and cajones den dey gots. Hecks, Old Goggs pobably gots a biggertop long john bonger den alluvem puts togedder, feels? Dey also pobably still bits and pieces sore acause a dat raid by The Deep Stacks. Loss mos' a dere bop books and ain't got noways ta see some titties.

Anydust, story shorterfied, Old Goggs hadda blow da recortin' drone ta take outs da Long Boxes Dynamite Drone sos dey coulda na striangulate her. Apologems ta da lower voices fer da short rad and HerSimone porn shower.

Anydusters git dems grubbers onna copy dis here Phantom Stranger Old Gogg jess misfortunate nuff ta have read? Boy, dis here be merde, no? Crapageddon! Why be DC still lettin Dan DiDio fink up dis pseudo-philodogma bullscat? Woulda funk DiDio be done pennin' stink onafter he gettem hisdelf stuck inna comic book in dat lenticulation axdent. Guessin someduster figger DatMatteis able ta translate crapshit inta words what noduster wants ta read anydust. Guess wes ain't gots much choice nohow nopaths anykind seeins how dem DC Delivery Drones jess drops downdown whatevems dey drops and wes jess gotsta suck up dere leavins ifn we specta haff somefin ta reads. Anydust, check some dis fuckfuck, feels?

Ever time, Gogg swears, ever fuckin' times. Youse get bunches a murdermens sittin' bout und dey begins callins each uvver liars. Y'all fuckin murdermen, ya Massengills! Acourse ya all liars too!

Dis here minds Goggs of dis urban been spreadin' updowns da sky touchers last few minutes. Seemin, mayhaps, someduster be organatin a meetin' a da Old York Gangs fer some secret reason (not a Secret reason! Ain't got nodustergang up here Old York way give any calculation a shits bout The Goddess, ya feels?). Mos' paranauts finkin' da big mens behind da ruse be The Illumimasons. But everduster knows dem fucks donnit existem at all, ja? Murder stories fer kinderen, wut dat bein'. But stills, Old Goggs fink dere mayhaps be somefin to da urbans. She gots some friendies allupin da Techknow Ratfinks and she hearded more den one sordid bout shadowy meetings in dem darkdark alleys. Old Goggs ain't got the knowit right now but she keepin open her aurals, what?

So dis here funfun littyrapture book be all bout followin' orders and feelin' obligatored ta acts outta guilt and a desires fo da 'demption. And if'n ya does yer duties and follow dat straights an' arrows, ya gonna git full up riches when ya corpse it. What a loada bullscat, sees? How da fuckity did dat Formertime civilzation fall for dem Ways of the Liard blahblah fer so many round trips? "Don't 'spect nuttin' in life and ya gonna git da major windyfalls post-grave, dumb dumbs!" How dey all fall fer dat scat but all fought The Secret was some upup-nose nonsenses? Old Goggs knows dat dis life be sumfin, even if it jess mosly llusions and missed erections and shiz. Old Goggs feels dis here breathin' and sufferin' and orgasmin good times, feels her? So why she gonna miss out on alla dat fer a skeezy promise from dat cannibal zombie cult? The Secret of The Goddess tellin us all dat goodness be ours heres and nows, sees? Takes it up, puts it on Da Boards, and fink on it til its in yer hands, ja?

Now, Old Goggs didna jess a'cept dat Goddess stuff mitout everdence, aight? No, no. She applicated it early on when da Dusty Stretches didna seem likely ta be all dat long. She gits out a board and she writes, "Old Goggs wanna be Major of Saint Lois so she can tell da councils ta tear down dat stupid fuckity arch." And guessem whats, Scanners?! She and Prof and Skates and Little Tokyo and Cummerbund and Shizgiggles and Tallyforth and Alice B Toklas, we fuckin does it, see? So dats when Old Goggs begin finkin, "Whats if, ya know? Jess whats if?" And she applicated da lessons she membered fum da Goddesses three PM churching, and she beginned gettin ever fing she ever desirem. She gots some shiz manerfestations up onna her board now dat she hopin' gonna come frough real soon, feels her? Real fuckin' soon.

Fuck yo 'ternal sweet rewards. Old Goggs gonna take it all right here y now!

Dat's it for dis week, what? Not much ta say bout dis Dan DiDio Way of the Liard propaganda, sees it? I be 'sposin' DiDio's ideas haff allwaysever been as flat and pretendy dimensionals as he's become now what he bein' a lenticulated represension of his Formertime self. Member, Scanners, keep The Secret! And keep yer kidney shields on straight when venturin' out mongst the lower voices lest ya find yerself a victim of Shivilization!

Threshold The Drinking Game #8

Who cares about Caul? There's a space cupcake shop nearby!

What a surprise! Threshold, DC's next attempt at a War Comic (science fiction but still their war comic!) only made it eight issues! Just like Men of War. And Just like G.I. Combat. Although this series was actually good while the other war comics were just awful. I'm glad DC keeps trying but they've got to figure out how to sell non-Batman comic books already. And I think I know how! Here's what you do, DC: kill off Batman. Just kill him off. Then hint around that Bruce Wayne is actually undercover as a different super hero in the DC Universe! And the cover of every comic book after killing off Batman should read, "Is this really Bruce Wayne?!" And then have Bruce Wayne in a Catwoman suit looking sexy or wearing Superman's cape and diving off of a building. People will go mad trying to figure out who is now Bruce Wayne!

Although what will actually happen is that all the Batman fans will simply stop reading and proclaim that DC sucks and has always sucked. So actually, I don't have any ideas about how to sell more comics. DC, I suppose your solution is as good as it gets: just put Batman and Superman in every single comic book.

Batman and Superman aren't in this comic book. So you can move along to one that does now. But I have to read it. It's, like, mandatory and shit.

Last issue I believed that Jediah Caul, Green Lantern, was teleported to Lady Styx for some diplomatic business. But instead he's ended up in the Office for Intergalactic Visas battling a mob of bureaucrats.

Uh oh. I'm pretty sure she's from HR. Or the equivalent since these aren't exactly humans.

You know, I only write these commentaries so I can reread them when a new issue of the comic comes up and catch up quickly on what was happening previously. But since this is the final issue of Threshold, I don't have to write a commentary about it! Yay! We should all just get drunk instead! Yay! Or eat a lot of cookies if you're not into getting drunk. I guess it depends on which you'd rather deal with: a hangover or twenty extra pounds? Fuck it! Let's get drunk AND eat cookies!

Let's just turn this comic book into a drinking game, okay? Let me make up some rules. How about twenty of them?

1. Whenever a character says "literally", you have to take a shot. If they use it correctly (very rare!), you get to eat a cookie instead!
2. Whenever a character defies another character (without violence), drink.
3. Whenever a character acts rationally and engages in normal conversation when confronted with defiance or potential violence, eat a cookie!
4. Drink every time somebody is punched or kicked or hit with a light construct.
5. Eat a cookie every time a light construct is used in a helpful manner, like to save lives or fix a tea pot.
6. Finish your drink whenever a character dies.
7. Eat a cookie every time Keith Giffen writes a meta-textual statement.
8. Drink after every time you turn a page.
9. Finish your drink if Captain K'rot's leg kidnapper is revealed.
10. Eat three cookies if Lonar calls his motorcycle, "Thunderer."
11. Drink whenever Batman makes an appearance.
12. Two drinks when Star Hawkins' robot assistant insults him.
13. Eat a cookie if Ember kisses somebody.
14. Finish your drink if The Hunted game show is cancelled.
15. Drink if Captain K'rot's Raccoon lady friend makes another appearance; eat a cookie of Captain K'rot's friend Pig Iron returns.
16. Drink and eat a cookie if Adonis is still alive.
17. Down three shots if Blue Beetle is returned to Earth.
18. Finish your drink if T'morra's bartender betrays the rebellion.
19. Eat a cookie every time Stealth is in a panel and not using her power.
20. Drink every time Stealth is in a panel and using her power. Finish a full beer if this never happens by the end of the comic.

I think I've covered most of what might happen! Now I'll just scan in the pictures which match one of the rules! Everybody ready? Let's go!

I'm calling five drinks on Page One due to violation of Rule #4! At least five bureaucrats are involved in the fracas with Jediah, so they're either pummeling or being pummeled.

Drink because we're turning to Page Two (Rule #8)! Oh man. I hope nobody decided to start out with Tequila because the first panel on Page Two is going to fuck you up.

Nine people hit with a light construct! Drink nine times thanks to Rule #4!

The next few panels are the ones I initially scanned. I think those call for eating a cookie because the Human Resources Manager calms the violence by being rational (Rule #3). It was about time to eat a cookie anyway!

Page Three sees quite a few violations of Rule #2 thanks to Caul acting like a typical Green Lantern and thinking nobody has any authority over them except maybe the stupid Oans.

Two drinks for two acts of defiance by Caul (Rule #2) and one drink for Lady HR's deescalation with her mind powers (Rule #3. I think mind powers can be considered being rational).

Turning to Page Four, so take a drink (Rule #8)! Oh, but first take a drink because of Batman's appearance on the inside cover (Rule #11). I almost missed that one!

Page Four has five panels with Stealth not using her powers, so eat five cookies (Rule #19)! And be sure to wash them down with a drink because we're turning to Page Five now (Rule #8). I'm not counting advertisements as story pages. But they will count for Batman appearances!.

Whoa. Page Five is a bit crazy. Let me scan it in and we'll tally up what happens and maybe make a couple of judgment calls.

Remember how I compared this place to Cheers last commentary? Well, it's time to break down the set!

Holy shit. This page alone makes it look like I already read this comic before making my rules because it's a fucking guzzlefest. First off, eat a cookie for the first panel's meta-text commentary on the cancellation (Rule #7)! Second, I think we can call this as the bartender betraying the Rebellion since she was working with The Hunted game show by running this Hunted Set so finish your drink (Rule #18). Now be sure to get another completely full drink and finish it because The Hunted game show has been cancelled (Rule #14). Eat one more cookie because Stealth appears on panel without using her power (Rule #19). I think that's everything! Be sure to get another drink ready because we're turning to Page Six now (Rule #8).

Don't listen to the Bartender/Actress! Rules are not made to be broken! Stop trying to skip eating cookies and drinking drinks just because you're getting slammed by this game!

Page Six gives us a bit of relief from drinking. But we do need to eat three cookies due to two appearances by Stealth (Rule #19) and one metatextual comment about "Mysteries in Space" (Rule #7). See, Mysteries in Space is another old DC Anthology Title which this guy is going to go star in. That wasn't meant to be patronizing for all y'all who already knew that. I just figured some people might be wondering why they were eating that third cookie! Although who really needs a fucking reason to eat a third cookie?

Take a drink because we're moving on to Page Seven (Rule #8)!

I think this counts as defiance! Rule #2! Drink up, bitches!

It's a good thing it's five in the morning and I couldn't purchase any alcohol before reading this or I might be on the floor by now puking up Oreos.

Turning to Page Eight, drink up (Rule #8)! This page turning rule is just one of those arbitrary rules in a drinking game that simply allows everybody to drink because why are you playing a drinking game if you don't want to drink at all anyway?

Caul gets his back healed by an Omnidoc on Page Eight so he doesn't have to use his Green Lantern Brace anymore. If he'd made that brace during this issue, it would have been time to eat a cookie thanks to Rule #5! As Caul is led by Lady HR to get some answers about why The Hunted is ending, they pass by a scene that deserves one cookie for Rule #7 (meta-textual commentary) and three shots for sending Blue Beetle home (Rule #17).

Oh. I think a drink is in store for Caul's defiance as well (Rule #2).

Drinkity drink up because we're turning to Page Ten (Rule #8)! Caul is led into the Office of the person running The Hunted: T'morra! I still think this allows for the full drink judgment call on his bartender earlier. They were just in it together is all!

Just to be on the safe side, I think we should chug an entire drink with a couple of cookies crumbled into it in honor of Rule #7, Meta-textual commentary, simply based on the overall premise of this entire issue!

Turning to Page Twelve, so chug-a-lug (Rule #8). Just a little bit! One tiny drink! So maybe I used chug-a-lug incorrectly. It's not like I was ever sober enough to learn proper usage in situations when people were using it! Anyway, get your drinks and cookies ready for more!

So this is where Blue Beetle actually returns. Don't worry, you don't have to drink again. Unless you want to!

I suppose we'll count the above panel as four drinks thanks to Rule #4 (Punching and shit!) and one cookie thanks to Rule #7 (meta-textual narrative concerning the reasons for introducing Lonar and Blue Beetle into the title). And another drink as I turn to Page Thirteen (Rule #8). You know, we wouldn't need to drink so much if the advertisements were placed more strategically.

Three drinks thanks to Rule #4 and two cookies thanks to Rules #3 and #7! And another drink as I'm going to be turning to Page Fourteen after this caption (Rule #8).

On Page Fourteen and Fifteen, Caul and T'morra simply discuss job offers. T'morra "offers" Caul a job starring in a new show about an inspirational hero that always tries to do the right thing. Caul, the soon-to-be actor, already understands the job of an actor fairly well when he realizes he's simply going to be a "walking, talking, propaganda-spewing shill." You should probably eat some cookies here due to Rule #7. I don't know how many. Whatever you feel comfortable with. And a drink as we turn to Page Sixteen (Rule #8).

Fuck it. Just eat all of your Goddamned cookies.

Rule #7 probably doesn't matter anymore since I told you to eat all of your cookies. But on Page Seventeen, T'morra mentions Space Cabby and how he's disappeared from everyone's memories.

If you've actually been playing the Threshold Drinking Game, you probably won't remember this. Or you'll simply assumed you hallucinated it.

Caul decides to join up and star in the show. He's put in costume and sent off to appear in the pilot episode. But it doesn't turn out quite like he expected.

Whoops! Rule #6! Finish your alcohol! Game over!

T'morra's big fake out was that Caul would get a Glimmernet show and everybody would make a ton of money. Instead, T'morra films Caul being murdered to establish the premise of his Glimmernet Show:

Fuck. I've scanned way too many pages of this thing. I'll have to do the back-up story scanless and with no drinking!

The back-up story reveals that Star Hawkins was the one to kill Caul when he suddenly materialized in front of a panicked Hawkins. So Hawkins is the guy T'morra is hunting in his new show! It outta be pretty exciting whenever it gets published in Super Pretend Imagination Land!

Threshold #8 Rating: +10 Drunkenness. So Men of War failed. G.I. Combat failed. Threshold failed. Is Mystery in Space next? Or maybe Ghosts? I'm kind of hoping for House of Secrets.

Demon Knights #23

Hey DC! Why don't you just cancel all of your comic books and just make them "Superman and X" or "Batman and Y"?

Even if DC was selling a book called "The Greatest Written and Drawn Comic Book of All Time" (and that title was true!), fans would turn their nose up at it and call it terrible and pass it up on the shelves to pick up some shitty piece of shit written by some shit writer simply because a favorite character was in it. How do I know this? Because Etrigan and Vandal Savage are two of my favorite characters! Of course I hate Madame Xanadu so that balances things out a little bit. But you know how I know this comic book has been written well? Because I like Madame Xanadu in it!

Wait a second. That actually might mean that this comic book is written poorly because they've gotten Madame Xanadu's characterization all wrong! No, no. This is the version of her that was passionate and in love with a Demon (while being in fake love with the man tied inextricably to that Demon). This version of her was before she realized she can coast on her past accomplishments and constantly tell everybody that the world was going to end if they don't immediately bring her a Caramel Cookie Frappaccino or wash her car. So that's all right then.

I believe another reason this series didn't have as many readers as it should have had is that it was basically outside of continuity. People seem to really like that continuity thing. "I want my stories to have repercussions on the greater universe!" Or some such shit. Of course that isn't true. This book tied in to Stormwatch and Swords of Sorcery and Team 7 and All Star Western. Sort of. If you were into that whole Eclipso Crossover event which, as an "event", really wasn't very good. Some of the individual stories were fine and I did like how it tied in to and wrapped up in Swords of Sorcery.

The art in this series hasn't missed a beat for 23 issues. I suppose it was time to stumble here on the 24th. It's passable comic art, mostly. I chose this panel because Ystin looks so goofy. I think Phil Winslade could have used an inker on this issue. I also have to wonder why he's doing the art on this final issue. I suppose the other artists moved on to non-temporary gigs!

Oh, while I'm mentioning the art which I rarely do and should be kicked in the balls for not doing so so often (also, I should think my sentences through better and stop making them linguistic jungle gyms), Howard Porter delivered another spectacular cover! God damn, just between the covers of Issue #22 and #23, I've become a huge fan of this man!

Meanwhile on the writing side of things, the Giants are bombing the poo-diddly out of al-Wadi. And just to show that I'm not thoroughly unhappy with Phil Winslade, I'll scan the Demon Knights reaction to the bombing.

This is a good job of what I consider standard comic book art. It doesn't jump out at me as really pumping hard any of my aesthetic orifices, but it doesn't detract at all. It does it's job and, I think, it does an above average job for an artist without an inker taking on a completely new book by himself. Now if al Jabr were recovering from a stroke, this would be fantastic!

During the chaos of me commenting on art and giants bombing al-Wadi, Brickwedge and Sarah have a nice little moment.

I hope Brickwedge and Sarah show up in another comic book at some point.

Brickwedge shares in the immortality granted by the connection between Sarah and her horse, right? RIGHT?! Oh man. I'm going to be sad of Brickwedge isn't immortal. More sad than I am knowing that I'm about to finish the last issue of this comic book! I wonder if I can make reading it last forever! Won't you join me on my forever read, Georgy? We all float down in here in the forever read! Forever and ever and ever, Danny!

Speaking of Stephen King, when The Dark Tower series ended, I left the last chapter unread for a few months. And then I couldn't take it any more because what the fuck was I doing? It's not like I was extending the pleasure of the book! I was just keeping Roland from gaining any kind of resolution! So I read it and it was what it was and now I've forgotten most of everything anyway. I remember there was a boy and a werewolf and people lit out for the territories and the boy's father's business partner was the ultimate evil and he tried to form a paradise of evil in Las Vegas when Captain Tripps killed everybody. Remember Captain Tripps? M-O-O-N! That spells Captain Tripps! Did any of y'all read Desolation? I'm pretty sure it was Stephen King's Wasteland (see the similarities in title?) where he brought together bits and pieces of all of his books and stories up until that point. Not like he fit them all into the plot or anything. But I think he mentioned them or characters had connections to characters in other books or...or...or maybe I was dreaming. It's been a long time!

Not that T.S. Eliot's The Wasteland was about bringing all of Eliot's writings together! The comparison was that The Wasteland was adrift with the flotsam and jetsam of Eliot's culture and King was kind of doing that with Desolation except the cultural cache was knowledge of Stephen King books instead of knowledge of whoever was the Beavis and Butthead of the early 1900s and other intellectually stimulating topics of the time. Perhaps I could have just said the current zeitgeist! No, that's stupid. And German!

I think I was supposed to be drinking sake while celebrating the life of this comic book as I put it in a dusty box for good! But it's five in the morning and stupid American Puritanical Liquor Laws say I can't buy alcoholic beverages until eight in the Ante Meridiem! Stupid laws. I can get drunk and crash my car just as easily at 8 AM as at 5 AM!

The city is getting pummeled and all they can talk about are Giant Bowel Movements and Xanadu's proficiency at hand jobs.

Remember that Eclipso crossover I mentioned? This issue is part of that since Exoristos seems to have left the Black Diamond which Lucifer had given her in the treasure vaults of al-Wadi!

Where has she been keeping that key? In her purse? Or purse-like orifice?

Now I have a bad feeling that Exoristos isn't going to survive this battle! Because that would just add another piece of the puzzle to the journey of Eclipso's Black Diamond. Although I don't see al Jabr getting his own New 52 title, especially at seventy years old. I'd read it, of course! But if not many people are reading this series that stars Vandal Savage and Etrigan and, I guess, Madame Xanadu, who's going to pick up al Jabr, Muslim Miracle Man? He could have lots of guest stars, I suppose. And he could be like Bill Nye or Beakman, teaching kids science and the way of Allah! Okay, so somewhat like Bill Nye and Beakman.

Jason Blood returns to Hell instead of going toe to toe with fifty thousand giants. Coward. Wait. Is Hell worse than fifty thousand giants? Maybe he's not a coward. Maybe he just hopes Etrigan gets squashed. Although if Etrigan dies while on Earth, does Jason Blood get to come back? I'm assuming Lucifer wouldn't make Blood's return easy.

How does this giant know what an ant is?! As if it has ever seen one! The giant should say, "Smash them like peasants!" Because giants probably call people "peasants" because they're the size of peas.

During the battle, Vandal Savage is blown out of his cage by one of the giant's bombs. And then al Jabr and his troops unleash their surprise science attack!

Wait, that wasn't a surprise at all! Stupid cover!

Oh Shining Knight! You're so silly! Don't thank God for science! God only created science so that people have to obey laws and limits of the universe. Meanwhile, He's off gallivanting around the universe creating miracles out of thin air and wiping his ass with the Laws of Thermodynamics! What a douchebag.

Al Jabr and his men hurl spears down on the giants from above but the giants block them with their shields while yelling, "Cowardly insects!" You know what, Mr. Giant? I'm sick of you referring to tiny people as miniscule creatures you probably never even have to deal with! How would you even notice or see a flea or a mosquito? They no doubt can't penetrate your thick hide. You should be calling them "birds" or "snakes" or some other creature that probably bothers you more than insects could. I bet birds are like insects to giants, always flying up their nose or building nests in their ears.

Oh! Except I'm forgetting this is a Fantasy Dungeons and Dragons type realm! There are probably giant ticks and giant ants and giant fleas and giant spiders and giant flies and giant everythings that have evolved simply to pester the giant humans! Giant dragons and giant orcs and giant owlbears and giant gelatinous cubes and giant giants! And then the giant giants probably have giant giant ticks and giant giant ants and giant giant fleas and giant giant spiders and giant giant enverythings! Are you still reading this paragraph? You see what I'm doing right? It's never going to end but you kept right on reading hoping for a better payoff than escalation and repetition! Good for you! Brownie points!

But then al Jabr reveals that he had a better idea than the balloon idea that was already spoiled on the cover! He has one last card up his sleeve: the Black Ace of Diamonds!

Phil Winslade's art is much better than it sounded like I was giving it credit for across this issue. He has done a tremendous job as the fill-in for this final issue. Huzzah! Or something.

So the Giants are collecting Earthly treasures for some unknown Daemons! The Demon Knight World has been built into a great place all its own. There is so much richness in 1043 CE that I think this book could have just run for hundreds of issues if it were prior to Crisis on Infinite Earths. Modern Comics have given comic books and their fans just as much as they've lost. Continuity and more mature stories, plots that make sense (for the most part), characters that evolve and change and learn and fuck up: these are great things. But I think fans aren't willing to invest as much time in comic books from a mainstream company that don't directly tie in to the world of their favorite characters. It's a shame because I'd really love to see more variety than flying people in tights. And Batman.

Al Jabr's plan works. The giants kill themselves fighting over the Black Diamond. Hopefully whichever giant is left standing takes the Black Diamond and scuttles off to whatever Daemon Realm he came from. Or else he might turn into a giant Eclipso and destroy everything! But that probably won't happen since I'm reading a bunch of other comic books that take place in this world's future. Etrigan himself heads back to his Demon Realm to leave Jason Blood marveling at the carnage.

I love al Jabr! I need more al Jabr stories! Hopefully a House of Secrets series is in the works and he'll get some story time in that!

What does that say about me that all of these fanpeople on Tumblr are into young characters with lots of relationship drama and I love the old Muslim science man?! I'm going to write some al Jabr fanfic after this!

Vandal Savage escapes during the battle. And after the battle, al Jabr takes up the Black Diamond from the battlefield. He conducts a little experiment out of emotional earshot of the others and finds that the Black Diamond and the Holy Grail cancel each other out when in close proximity. And so he has a solution to keeping both the Grail safe from those who would abuse it and everybody safe from the evils of the Black Diamond. It's also a solution that allows for more stories in the future!

This is a mark of a great comic book! It ended in "Fin" rather than "NOT THE END!" or "THE BEGINNING!"

Demon Knights #23 Rating: +1 Billion Ranks! This comic book made me happy. It was endearing and charming and beautiful and full of adventure and lesbian princesses and immortal assholes and a vampire hermaphrodite and a sarcastic horse and a talented woman with disabilities and a Muslim man of science and an epic search for a lost artifact and a trip to Hell and to Camelot and to Paradise Island and so fucking much awesome was in this book. But most of all it was fun. IT WAS A FUN COMIC BOOK! I'll miss it dearly each month.

I'd like to thank all the artists and writers and colorists and letterers and editors that worked on this book. I never felt like I was ever being let down on this title. So thank you,

The Writers
Paul Cornell who created the series and the link they had with Stormwatch.
Robert Venditti who came on board and didn't miss a beat, continuing the top notch writing and letting the characters keep their character!

The Pencillers
Diogenes Neves who made this book one of the best looking books of The New 52.
Michael Choi and
Robson Rocha for filling in the gaps when Neves couldn't be bothered. I mean, was overworked!
Bernard Chang for, like Neves, really kicking some visual ass on this thing.
Chad Hardin for his work on the late issues that didn't pop quite like Neves and Chang but had a style that I adored.
Phil Winslade for really bringing this book home even though I wasn't so sure at first. Great work after all is said and done!

The Inkers
Oclair Albert,
Julio Ferreira,
Dan Green, and
Wayne Faucher for doing what they do for the pencillers. If I went back to look at Penciller/Inker combinations, I'm sure I'd see exactly what each of these talents brought to the book. But I'm a bad fan and so I'd just like to thank them for helping make everything so pretty.

The Colorists
Marcelo Maiolo for imbuing this book with a bright, fantasy look. Marcelo nearly colored the entire run and only missed the last few issues. This book wouldn't be the same without Marcelo's outstanding palette on every page.
David Curiel for filling in the final few issues and not making a misstep. The colors popped all the way to the end.

The Letterer
Jared K. Fletcher lettered every fucking issue and kept Etrigan speaking divinely! Or, um, Unholyly!

The Cover Artists
Tony Daniel
Tomeu Morey
Norm Rapmund
Philip Tan
Jeremy Cox
Alex Garner
Howard Porter
They all did a tremendous job and I'm sure more fans would have picked this book up if only the way local stores purchased comic books were different. But with the margins they make, how can they order enough extras without risking the loss? I can't imagine how many fans never even saw how good this book looked on the shelves.

The Editors Chris Conroy,
Matt Idelson,
Joey Cavalieri, and
Kyle Andrukiewicz. Thanks for never intruding on the story. The best editors are the ones I never rant and rail against, and I believe y'all got away from my venom Scott Free!

and, of course, Jack Kirby for creating Etrigan right around the same time my parents were creating me.

I began the first commentary of Demon Knights with this: "Please let this comic be good. I have Jack Kirby’s original sixteen comic run, the initial Demon 4 part mini-series, and all of the second run by Alan Grant and Val Semeiks." And now I can happily add this Demon run to my box of Demon comics from the last forty years or so. Long live Etrigan!