Batman #33

This issue of Batman was perfect.

Thank you, Tom King. Thank you, Joëlle Jones. Thank you, Jordie Bellaire.

Every comic book should be this comic book. But, you know, different. Like if it's Superman, it should star Superman and not Batman. But it should be the same in all the other ways!

Batman #33 Rating: My favorite issue of a comic book in quite some time. So much time! The amount of time is inconceivable! At least by cat standards. Those things don't know shit about time.

All Star Batman #10

The new Robin is a bit rough around the everything.

• What do you have to do to get a Batman story that stops jerking itself off over how great Batman is and begin dealing with his adult healing from a childhood trauma? The guy is fucked up! The Who's Who entries in the DC Universe should include the stat: "Bat-enabler?" Somebody should get him some non-Harleen Quinzel therapy.

• I just sang the Narration Boxes as an operatic dirge to my cat Pelafina. She's purring so I think that's a good review.

• Alfred Pennyworth is narrating this story. He assures us that this Batman story is unlike all of the other Batman stories. Oh good! Just like I wanted in that first bullet point! I can't wait! Although, I mean, Scott Snyder began last issue saying that he wasn't writing a Batman story. And then the big twist at the end was that it was a Batman story. So I'm not holding my breath about this story being any different from all the others.

• This story takes place in London's past which totally doesn't explain the cover at all.

• Scott Snyder has done something few writers ever do! Usually when I like a writer, I like just about everything they do until the day they die tragically. But Scott Snyder has gone from writer I thought was terrific to shitty hack with pretentious underpinnings. Here's how he begins this story: "[This story is] different from the rest. Of course, it starts the way the others do. The angry young man, far from Wayne Manor. Lost. And like the others, it's a mystery — a detective story about the distance between the boy he was then and the man he is today." Well, thanks, Scott! I'm glad you informed me early that this story isn't like all the other stupid comic books because this one is smart and has a theme and shit! And knowing comic book readers are stupid fucks who are only hoping to see Batman punch somebody in the face, it's a good thing you're letting us know up front that this story is better than that! I'm sure I would have completely missed all of the smarty pants stuff you were up to if you didn't clue me in. Although, I'm suspicious now. You got me trying to think about why the last story wasn't a Batman story only to end with "Surprise! It's a Batman story!" So why should I think you've put any more work into making this story different? I think maybe you just tell people at the beginning how smart and different your stories are so that you don't actually have to make them smart and different!

• This story also takes place in Miami's present which probably explains the cover completely.

• Something called the Genesis Engine is being auctioned off on the black market. Batman probably wants to get it for himself so he can make billions of dollars with it.

• A bunch of shit goes wrong when Bruce meets with the dealer. Bruce finds the dealer dead in a manner that reminds Alfred of his youth when he used to graffiti a symbol all over London. That's when Alfred explains to the reader that this mystery isn't about Bruce at all. It's about Alfred.

• In other words, last story actually was a Batman story. But this story actually isn't a Batman story. So it really is different than other Batman stories being that it isn't a Batman story at all. But Scott Snyder couldn't have begun two issues in a row saying "This is not a Batman story," right?

• This story didn't have any alligators or crocodiles in it. I guess Alfred and Batman killing animals in a swamp will happen next issue.

• This story was much better than the last nine issues of this comic book. Except maybe for the part where they explain the name of the place where the guy selling the Genesis Engine lives. That's pure Snyder! He over-complicates things to give a vaguely Umberto Eco-ish atmosphere. So the place is Latin for a right because the thief was crucified to the right of Jesus and the guy who runs auctions out of the place is a thief who is descended from pirates and only works with other people descended from pirates. For being a whole pirate theme, it's weird that Snyder decides to start with the Latin and the Jesus and the thief stuff. I mean, the only way they really tie in is that pirates steal things. Oh but the atmosphere it creates! So mysteriously esoteric!

Batman #20

I am a pain in the ass.

I wonder if Tom King told DC Comics that if he were given Batman to write, he would be reducing every piece of dialogue to first person declarative statements?

Commissioner Gordon: "I am Commissioner Gordon!"
Batman: "I am Batman!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am the law!"
Batman: "I am calling my lawyer who also is the law and represents Judge Dredd!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am rescinding my earlier statement!"
Batman: "I am on hold with my lawyer's office! I am listening to the greatest hold music ever!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I am beginning to suspect that my daughter is Batgirl!"
Batman: "I am not winking under the cowl!"
Commissioner Gordon: "I suspect Gotham would be safer without you!"
Batman: "I am going to cry!"

Recently, Batman pissed off Bane. It couldn't be helped for plot related reasons. But since Batman knows he can't beat Bane without calling up Jean-Paul Valley for help and since Batman didn't want that creep sharing space in the main Batman comic book, Batman decided to pull a Reverse Knightfall on Bane. That's not as sexy as you might think and definitely has less dicks in buttholes than you're picturing in your sexy mind. A Reverse Knightfall is where Batman makes Bane fight all of the Arkham inmates before Batman beats the living shit out of Bane and cripples him until DC Comics decides Crippled Bane isn't interesting enough to sell more comic books and declares that he's much better now.

Too bad for Batman, Bane isn't exhausted after fighting Arkham inmates all night because he's taking Venom. Bane is all, "I am the end!" And Batman is all, "I am still here!" But picture that more dramatically and with lots of fish lips since David Finch is drawing it. Plus David Finch already managed to get a double splash page in! Of couse it was of the scene from Issue #1 where Batman is riding on the back of a crashing plane. I wonder if that double splash page had already been drawn but hadn't been used for the first issue and Finch asked Tom King, "Hey, Tom? I spent an awful lot of time drawing this picture and you guys cut it from the first issue because you didn't want to waste two pages on it. But since I put effort into it (and believe me, it was effort! I couldn't figure out how to add a naked lady to it so it was miserable work), can you write it into a future issue? It would really help and Meredith would appreciate not having to hear me moan about it."

While Bane and Batman fight, somebody who calls Batman "boy" retells the "I am Gotham" and "I am Suicide" and "I Am Bane" stories to Batman (which is weird that the story that's currently happening is part of the recollection). But he does it in that "You might have missed the point of the story the first time around, and that would be a shame, so here is what it meant!" kind of way. As if I haven't been paying attention! I might be okay with you patronizing other comic book readers, Tom King, but try to remember that I'm reading your comic books too! Maybe try to assume that all of your comic book readers are as astute and sexually experienced as I am! That was a Tom Kingian first person declarative statement with an M. Night Shyamalan twist!

I'm too lazy to scan pictures right now so pretend you're looking at a picture of Bane punching Batman in the face. Picture it in David Finch's art which is that kind of art that comic book companies think is the best art out there although it's got so many little flaws that it bugs the fucking shit out of me. Why does DC Comics think David Finch, Tony S. Daniel, John Romita Jr, and Jim Lee are the greatest comic book artists of the age? They're all fucking terrible, what with the fish mouths and the women who all look fifteen and the angular shaped everythings and the lines, the lines, the goddamned fucking lines scribbled all over everything!

Apparently the voice retelling Issues #1 through #19 is that of Bruce's mother. I guess that means Batman is close to death. I hear that's what happens when you're dying. You hallucinate the voices of people you know and then pretend you see heaven and then you stop existing forever. Unless you're a comic book character.

And since Batman is a comic book character, he's allowed to be pushed right to the brink of death, beaten, dying, bleeding out...and to suddenly rise up as strong as ever by simply declaring "I am Batman!" and believing in himself and his city and his poor orphaned Gotham Girl! Heroes can never beat the villain when the hero is at full strength. That would be silly. The hero has to be nearly dead to finally remember that they can beat the bad guy. Then when they're nearly dying, they find the strength and wherewithal that they couldn't find at the beginning when they were absolutely healthy and at peak performance.

Rope a dope this, motherfucker!

That's all it takes for Batman to defeat Bane! All Batman needed to do was get his ass beaten by Bane for fifteen pages and right when Bane was about to destroy Batman for good, Batman times a single headbutt to knock him out and win the day. I guess that makes sense. Bane tired himself out by beating Batman to a bloody pulp so Batman still has his, um, lung capacity? No wait. A rib pierced his lungs so he doesn't even have that advantage. Um, he still has his, um, moxy? Why am I even questioning it?! I already explained that that's how comic books work. Besides, he's the Jeezly Crow Batman! Of course he didn't die even though he apparently prepares to die every time he goes into a fight. I guess that's why he wins? Because, in his own mind, he's already dead?

The issue ends with Batman hallucinating a final confrontation with his mother, his greatest enemy. He finally defeats her by realizing she's proud of him even if his survivor's guilt sometimes doesn't let him believe it. He acknowledges that he isn't simply fighting this war because he's a little boy who made a promise because he was sad that his parents died. He acknowledges that he fights for other people. What a revelation! Batman cares about people more than he cares about himself!

That probably sounded sarcastic because it was intended to be sarcastic. The only problem is that lots of writers do write Batman as if he doesn't give a shit about anything but his mission. So on one hand, I'm annoyed at the need for this definitive statement on Batman. And on the other hand, I'm still annoyed! Anyway, here you go! This final issue of the "I Am Bane" story arc should probably be subtitled "I am Batman." Or, since this was a reflection on the first twenty issues of the comic book, it's kind of a way to say the first twenty issues were a collected story called "I Am Batman."

The Ranking!
No change! I get it! Batman cares! Maybe just show that he cares more often in little ways so writers don't have to shout it with big stories every so often so that they can go back to the easy stories with grim Batman's obsessive war on crime!

Batman #19

Two-Face flipped his coin and discovered he had to use a water pistol from now on.

Batman has to keep Bane away from Arkham Asylum for five days while Alfred watches over Gotham Girl's treatments from Psycho Pirate. So why does Batman lead Bane straight to Arkham after their fight last issue? Probably because Batman guessed Bane would go there even if Batman didn't go there first. That Batman is a pretty smart cookie! And delicious, too!

For some reason, the inmates are wandering free in Arkham so Bane has to listen to each one rant as he stomps by. First up is Maxie Zeus who quotes Dante for some reason. Unless it's Milton. Or Shakespeare. What the fuck do I know? It could be Dr. Seuss for all my literature degree is worth!

Oh! I just figured out why he's quoting Through The Inferno and What Dante Saw There! It's because he's quoting that shit that's on the gates of Hell. I mean, I knew that's what he was quoting. What am I, not a literature major who took a few too many mushrooms during his college years? As if! I just realized I could answer the "for some reason" part. When I wrote that sentence, I was just breezing through the review so I could play some Overwatch. But then I stopped myself and I said, "Myself? Why are you even bothering writing about this comic book if you're not going to take the job seriously? People on the Internet who didn't want to spend $2.99 on a Batman comic book want to read a fairly clear and concise summation of this story (probably so they can pretend they read it and then regurgitate all of the clever things I say about it to their stupid friends who should be fucking reading my blog as well. They wouldn't be such suckers if they were!). So that's when I was all, "Oh! Bane is metaphorically entering Hell! How clever of you, Tom King!" That last bit about Tom King should be read sarcastically while making a mental note to not hit on Tom King when you next see him at a convention (unless he does something better than this trite Dante bullshit later in the issue).

Batman and Bane enter Arkham at precisely 12:00 AM so that this story can be called "Day Four" even though it takes place right after the fight between Batman and Bane during "Day Three." See how clever Tom King is? You can read that sarcastically if you want. I'm not really sure if it was sarcastic or serious. It's hard to keep track of what you really think when you're as facetious as I am about everything in life. What do I really like? What do I really hate? I have no clue anymore.

The next inmate Bane runs into is Two-Face. At least he doesn't begin the conversation with, "Call me One-Face!" Ha ha! That was terrible! Was it David Finch who wrote that line? What an asshole.

Speaking of assholes, I noticed Cullen Bunn's stupid name on the next issue of Trinity. It looks like I'll be dropping that piece of shit soon! I hope he at least has an editor who is willing to tell him when he is writing Superman, Batman, or Wonder Woman incorrectly. Because that no-spine Brian Cunningham certainly didn't have the cojones to point out that Cullen Bunn obviously didn't understand the character of Aquaman (like the simplest character to understand! He swims and speaks with fish and is boring). In fact, Cunningham backed Bunn on the idiotic decision to make Aquaman a space traveler with every super power he could think of! And nobody on that book seemed to mind that Aquaman's new costume made him look like he was constantly running around with an erection. On the plus side, I did guiltily masturbate quite a bit to that comic book! Usually I like to look at or think about naked women when I masturbate. But Aquaman's penis was so stiff and throbbing that it totally got me sexually excited thinking, "That's probably going to go into Mera's vagina and/or butthole!" I may have also thought it would go into a dolphin's blowhole. Never mind if that got me excited too.

No no no! That's not how Two-Face makes decisions at all! Somebody give him a fucking quarter!

Bane simply punches Two-Face twice: once in the gut and once in the face and once in the floor. No wait. He hits him twice: once in the face and once in the floor. No wait! The fight lasts three hits! Bane hits Two-Face in the gut then he hits Two-Face in the face then Two-Face hits the floor! There it is!

Next Bane encounters Solomon Grundy and Amygdala. Why is Solomon Grundy in Arkham? Doesn't SHADE have a monster prison? I think he'd be better off in Belle Reve.

I just realized Batman let out all of the inmates and Bane just kicked the door down when he entered Arkham. I don't think Bane has been shutting and locking doors behind him as he goes. I think Batman's going to have another Knightfall on his hands when this ends. Except it'll be backwards where he gets his back broken by Bane first and then has to hunt down the rest of the inmates.

Whenever Bane meets a new inmate, they're all, "I am a thing!" Then Bane responds, "I am a thing!" I'm beginning to think somebody broke Tom King and he can only write first person declarative sentences now. That's why all of his Batman stories have begun that way. I am Gotham. I am Suicide. I am Fucking A Cat On A Roof. I am Bane. See?

Once Bane gets through that door, Scarecrow, I think the word you'll be thinking of is agraphobia.

Scarecrow sprays Bane in the face with his fear spray (almost certainly made out of urine and toilet water). Bane manages to strain his way through the fear to declare, "I don't have nightmares! I give nightmares!" Well, we know if Tom King ever stops writing comic books, he can make some money punching up B-grade action movies.

Meanwhile, Alfred is ranting and raving in much the same way I've been doing here. He's beside himself when he discovers Batman let the other inmates out and even armed them. Batman's all, "I didn't have a choice!" And Alfred is all, "Call the fucking Justice League!" Right?! That's what I said last issue! He's totally wasting Superman's time and talents asking him to babysit the Robins. Batman should have asked Superman to sit on Bane!

Bane has to work through nearly twenty-four hours worth of inmates or else he'll get to the final confrontation with Batman too early. Next issue can't happen until we get back to midnight! So after Scarecrow, Bane battles his way past Mr. Freeze, Firefly, Black Spider, Flamingo, Man-bat, Zsasz, Mad Hatter, Dr. Phosphorous, Hush, Copperhead, and Calendar Man. I'm surprised he didn't have to fight through the Ten-Eyed Man and Kiteman as well.

Oh! I get it! He's doing the Reverse Knightfall! Bane will be exhausted from battling all of the Arkham inmates so that Batman can easily break Bane's back (again)! Or maybe Gotham Girl will be cured when Bane finally gets there and she can break Bane's back (at the cost of a few weeks from the end of her life, of course!).

Bane finally comes to the door that's been waiting to imprison The Joker behind it. It currently holds Alfred, Batman, Gotham Girl, and Psycho Pirate. But it has a lock! Instead of smashing it the Bane way, he fetches The Riddler to figure it out for him. Riddler disengages the lock just in time for an 11:59 PM David Finchian double splash page of Batman facing off against Bane. The final fight is nigh! Dante said that too, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I hope the first page of the next issue is Batman knocking Bane out in one punch. Then King can spend the final nineteen pages on fixing Gotham Girl who will probably be excited to go shopping for some new clothes which she'll have to try on which means she'll have to take off the clothes she's currently wearing! I may dislike most of David Finch's art but I know he loves to find any reason at all to draw a nearly naked woman! And his women all look like girls so even if Gotham Girl is a bit too young to be ogling in her underwear, how am I supposed to know? David Finch draws all adult women as if they were fifteen years old! The guy has issues!

Batman #18

This is more erotic than Batman's rooftop humpfest with Selina.

I'm a romantic which is why I use phrases like "rooftop humpfest" and "finger banging."

We should now be viewing the Make America Great Again hats as sarcastic commentary, right? I mean aside from viewing them as the new white nationalist headgear. Although the white hood was actually less trashy than that cap. Obviously Trump isn't making America great in any semblance of the word. He's doing exactly what he convinced the idiots who voted for him the democrats would do. He's simply fucking working class people while he romances corporations. For the life of me, I'll never understand why working class Republicans trust corporations over the government. They do know that they can't vote out CEOs, right? If a corporation does something evil, you need the government to slap them on the nose with a rolled up copy of the constitution. I suppose you could also firebomb the corporation's headquarters but since you've only voted in pro-corporation Republicans, they've probably made it illegal to burn corporate buildings. Fascists. If corporate money is free speech, why isn't setting buildings on fire?

I’m trying to be interested in Batman but my anger at white working class Americans who don’t fucking know how anything works and are just bitter that there might possibly be an ethnic person receiving some kind of benefit from the minuscule amount of taxes they’ve paid that they’d rather just do away with any kind of government benefit won't let me. You would think crushing public schools would have turned them around but being that, as I pointed out and didn't cite sources because it's just such obvious information, they don't know how anything works, they probably think school vouchers means their kids get better schools and they get a tax rebate. This is, of course, nothing new. White people's heads have been exploding ever since Affirmative Action was touted as a means to push back against systemic racism. I can't even wrap my head around how many of them espouse the theory that they're Christian when their main political beliefs amount to Fear of Welfare Queens. I'm an atheist and I'm more understanding than these assholes. You don't look at the tiny percentage of people who cheat the system to prove that a system is failing. You look at how many people are helped by it. You don't remove a benefit to society because a few people abuse it. What you do is try to ensure that the system works in a way to make it hard to abuse and then assume that a certain percentage of people will always be able to abuse it, no matter what you do. The answer to your incomprehensible rage at people cheating the system is to stop thinking about the people cheating the system. It is not to burn the whole fucking thing down. Because, as I pointed out earlier, that's probably illegal! Stupid fucking anti-arson government.

Let's get back to Batman. I feel like I just breezed by that bit where the Robins were hanging in the Batcave. I made a few jokes about it and just moved on. But are Batman and Robin fans supposed to simply accept that Bane and his coterie of hotel staff themed villains were able to easily take down Nightwing, Robin, and the Dumb One? I'd like to give Tom King the benefit of the doubt but then I remember I gave Scott Snyder the benefit of the doubt for quite awhile after he invented the Court of Owls and look where that got us: All Star Batman. Ugh. We can't let Tom King get so far up his own Batman creator ass that he believes any decision he makes in pursuit of his plot is a reasonable decision. Aside from Bane and his cronies defeating the Robins (including the Dumb One), he apparently knows the location of the Bat-cave and has access to it. Was that Preboot Canon? It definitely wasn't Prebirth canon (Prebirth being the continuity between the start of The New 52 and the start of Rebirth). Sometimes, Tom King, coming up with a cliffhanger isn't worth shitting all over basic knowledge of the DC Universe. Let's pretend the Dumb One wasn't even in the equation. Dick and Damian alone could have at least fought Bane to a standstill. Maybe the Jokerized fries at Batburger really were toxic and Bane just found the Batkids lying sick in an alley.

Looks like Bane's back on the dope! Plus we're finally getting a story about Mommy Issues! About fucking time, DC. I've had it up to my prostate with Daddy Issues.

King gives us a little back story on Bane and Bruce to set up the conflict. After they both lost their mothers tragically (which totally makes them the same person who experienced the same trauma and thus are the same except for the next difference that I'll be getting to outside of this parenthetical reference), Bruce was sent to live in a mansion with a butler where he could become a responsible, strong, obsessive man with a death wish while Bane was shoved in an oubliette that flooded daily where he could become a psychotic drug user with a Mexican wrestling fetish. See? They'd be samesies if it weren't for Bruce's privilege. I hope he acknowledges it in his encounter with Bane so everything will then be okay and they can become friends. Although I assume Bane will just say something like "So what? Now you deserve an ally cookie?!" or maybe just break Batman's face.

Both young Bruce and Bane are really fucking into their mothers. It's creepy. Or is it normal? Is that how kids react when they lose their mother? I would have thought there would be more drinking and piñatas.

No, you're a drug addict in a luchador mask. Your past is no more compelling than any of the other people you're currently denigrating and writing off.

So Batman's entire plan to distract Bane for five days is to get his ass beaten by him? For five days straight? This is going to go well. You know what might have been a good idea? Instead of asking Superman to babysit the Robins while they're in cryogenic stasis, maybe get Superman to put Bane in stasis for five days. No? I suppose there's less chance of a lawsuit kidnapping and restraining your children than doing that to a convicted criminal threatening you with death.

Bane says he's also not some rich boy playing dress-up. So I guess he does know Batman's secret identity and thus the location of the Bat-cave. I can't keep straight who knows and who doesn't know. Why should Batman even care at this point? Enough people know that the information is probably all over the Internet in hilarious meme form.

Bane beats the shit out of Batman but Batman refuses to give Psycho Pirate back to Bane. So Bane tells Room Service to kill the hostages. Uh oh! Batman better have a back-up plan! Like how he could have had that Superman back-up plan I mentioned earlier.

Oh come on! Who didn't think he had a back-up plan? Show of hands? See? No hands! I mean, I couldn't see them even if there were any but I'm certain their weren't any. Mostly because even if some of you thought he didn't have a back-up plan and this series was about to end, you'd probably be too embarrassed to admit it.

Get it?! Cats beat birds! Duh! It's evologic! That's a combination of evolution and logic, in case you're one of those dum-dums who occasionally and accidentally read one of my reviews.

Catwoman has strung up Room Service, Housekeeping, and Night Clerk back in Bane's safehouse and clawed "I am cat" into their chests. Then Batman heads into Arkham and Bane follows him. Good for Bane! He never even stops to say that stupid thing about it probably being a trap and then going in anyway. He just kicks the motherfucking door down and gets on with it.

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave it a +1 because it ended so well with Catwoman's flexing line that I was all positive and upbeat about it. But then I remembered all the flashback sequences with Bruce and Bane saying, "Mommy this!" and "Mother that!" Fuck that shit. It was annoying.

P.S. I just noticed I didn't complain about David Finch's inability to draw the mouth of a man this issue. So, um, good job, Dave? I guess?

Batman #17

Is Finch afraid that if he looks too closely at a male mouth for reference purposes, he might become gay?

You know that feeling when you've just finished writing a novel and printing it up so you delete the file on the computer so it can't be stolen and then go to your printer and get the pages and accidentally throw them in the wastebasket nearby that's still on fire? I hate that feeling.

I find myself checking in on Twitter far more than I ever have before since the election. Mostly because the few people I follow are liberal which means they know how to create funny jokes. It must suck to be a conservative if you like to laugh because mostly when you laugh at jokes conservatives like Huckabee tweet, you're only laughing because in that way that screams, "This isn't an actual physical reaction to something funny but an acknowledgment that I completely and utterly agree with the words you strung together in just the right kind of way that I could tell it was supposed to be a funny joke. Err, ha ha!" That's not to say all heathen liberal atheist monsters are funny! Here's a good example of the big fat colored-in part of the pie chart of Twitter (as opposed to the little splinter that represents people being creative and unique and hilarious):

"Hey! Look at this headline that makes a point! Now read my tweet where I restate the point, just in case you were too stupid to understand it. Although my restating of the point is almost exactly the same as the point in the headline so if you didn't understand that, I suppose you won't understand this tweet. So you're probably thinking, 'Why was this tweet needed?', right? Fuck you. I'm hilarious at hot takes that were already made!"

Anyway, that's most of Twitter. People tagging jokes by making the same joke yet less subtly. I'm not sure why people ever expand a tweet to read the replies because conversation on twitter is like going out to the dog park and comparing the taste of the various dog dirt you find lying in the grass.

You might be wondering, "Is this a review of Batman or Twitter?" If you are, you shouldn't limit your life experiences. Sometimes when you plan to do something and the plan falls apart because the person lied about the plans (like, say, you wanted to read a Batman #17 review and instead got a review of Twitter), you should not think, "Well, this is crap!" You should instead embrace this life detour and think, "The person who lied to me and wasted my time is probably a super cool person who has had so much sex, how can I be mad?"

Now that we've established my credentials of being super cool and having had so much sex I can hardly feel my crotch due to nerve damage, let's get to Batman!

When we last left Batman, he and Alfred had just walked into the Batcave where Dick, Damian, and the Dumb One were hanging by their necks with a three word message painted on their chests, one word on each dead kid: Am I Bane? So they're probably dead. This issue will probably start with a funeral but then it will turn out not to be the funeral of these dead Robins but the other one.

Nope. It doesn't begin that way at all. I guess I'm not as good at writing comic books as I am at playing Tracer on Overwatch. Lately when I play, I begin as McCree because come on! Gunfighter! Even if his ultimate almost always fails, the times it doesn't make me call my mother to tell her how much I probably love her (in theory). But if I'm doing poorly as McCree, I'll switch to Tracer and then the other team is all, "What the fuck just happened? What has changed? Why are we dying all the time?! Who let this lesbian punk rock maniac out of her cage?! And why won't she stop calling me a wanker when I die?!" Then they call their mother to tell her she's a fucking whore.

Oh! Sorry! This was supposed to be about Batman!

So, um, this issue begins in a hotel with Bronze Tiger ordering a shotgun blast to the stomach from Room Service. I wonder how much that set him back?

That's just some kind of prologue to get everybody's genital juices flowing. Maybe that was inappropriate to the people reading this blog who don't find violence sexually alluring. The real beginning (Oh! I just watched the fourth episode of Season Two's Little House on the Prairie and it was called "In the Big Inning". Get it?! So clever!) begins in the Fortress of Solitude (located either in the Arctic or the Antarctic, depending on which dumb writer is currently writing). Apparently Dick, Damian, and the Dumb One didn't die (just as I predicted! Who else would have predicted that? Not you dum-dum comic book readers!). They just lost consciousness which allowed Batman to fly them all up to the Fortress of Solitude where Superman has some cryogenic chambers lying around. He threw them all in and has now asked Batman to babysit them while he goes after Bane. Why would he call Superman? Wasn't Supergirl given the Fortress? Preboot Superman has his own Fortress in the Himalayas. Having three kids stuck in freezers will seriously hamper Supergirl's social life. How creepy will it be fucking that Ben kid in the Fortress with their dead faces staring at Supergirl's naked bum going up and down and up and down and maybe sideways? Do butts go sideways when people do it?

Alfred Pennyworth busies himself with Gotham Girl's therapy. Disguised as Jeremiah Arkham (who was recently shot in the face), he sneaks Gotham Girl into the most isolated wing of Arkham where Psycho Pirate is being kept. He has to keep her safe for the next four days while Batman hunts down Bane. Bane is Batman's most dangerous foe! At least for this story since Bane is the antagonist of this story. Next story arc, the most dangerous foe might be Penguin or Mad Hatter or Kite-man.

If not for his terrible ability to draw the lips of men, I would have forgotten David Finch was doing the art for this issue. But I would have quickly been reminded when I turned the page and discovered a double splash page of Batman on a rooftop saying, "I have mine." Mr. King and Mr. Finch, I would like to not commend you on your use of comic book pages. What was so dynamic about that shot of Batman that it needed to waste two full pages of story? He's simply brooding on a roof with a clock tower in the background. We've seen this shot millions of times in Batman comic books over the years. Making it larger doesn't make it more compelling.

Later, Room Service decides to head out of the hotel to shoot Catwoman.

What does Room Service have against characters with feline names? Jerko.

Room Service goes after Jim Gordon next. I don't get it. How is the name "Commissioner James Gordon" in any way catlike?

Because he doesn't have a cat name, James Gordon doesn't wind up getting shot. He shoots Room Service and Room Service's friends, Housekeeping and Night Clerk. With the help of Duke, Batman's unnamed sidekick (although people keep telling me his name is Lark because of a dumb vision in Batman #35. I refuse to call him Lark until he's actually called Lark because it's a dumb name that evokes a sense of flippancy that Batman would never allow), Gordon survives the onslaught. But then Bane crashes through the wall like the Kool-Aid man on bath salts and the scene ends.

The episode ends with Batman still hunched on the roof where he had his double splash appearance. Across the way, Bane is on another rooftop with all of his captives: gutshot Bronze Tiger, backshot Catwoman, severely beaten Commissioner Gordon, and was supposed to stay out of this Duke Thomas. I guess it's time for Batman to beat the shit out of Bane. Although, I suppose what this story has been hinting at, is that Bane is more dangerous suffering through the withdrawals of Venom (which, I guess, never end unless you have a Psycho Pirate to comfort you?) than he is on the drug. I don't know. I get that Bane broke Batman's back so he's supposed to be Batman's Doomsday. But to me, Bane is just as boring as Doomsday. He's a big, beefy beatdown machine and that's about it. I will admit, if you're going to argue because you're so in love with Bane that you probably pretend to suck his dick before falling asleep every night, that he has a little bit more character. He wears a luchador mask and is some kind of ethnic and, I suppose, he's also intelligent or something. Plus he has so many mental health issues because he was born inside a prison to somebody serving a life sentence which, apparently, means you have to live out the life sentence too. That's...well, I was going to say clever but that's the entirely wrong word, isn't it? It's not clever at all! It's the epitome of comic book nonsense! Like Dick Grayson driving a motorcycles straight up a wall! Doomsday's background of having been killed and reborn over and over again to make him immune to death is a more believable origin story!

The Ranking!
No change!

All Star Batman #4

How often do we get to see the Bat-Chainsaw?

Batman and Harvey Dent continue their wacky road trip. Along for the ride during this section are Duke Thomas and a bunch of Talons. The Talons aren't as hard to defeat this time as they were during that Night of Them. Mostly because they need to be gone by the end of the issue. That's because it's time for The (KG)Beast to return! He manages to capture Batman and Harvey and Duke so he can turn them over to the guys more desperate than anybody to stop Batman and Harvey: The Penguin, The Black Mask, and that other guy with the white face. Oh, Great White! The transfer of prisoners doesn't go so well because it's interrupted by the next group of villains going after Batman to shut up Harvey Dent. I know you're thinking I'm going to give this great reveal as to who the villain is, like Hush or Wrath or King Tut, but I'm not. It's just a bunch of regular people with guns desperate not to let their secretest of secrets out into the world. I suppose if they're this desperate, we can assume they're all pedophiles.

What Did Batman Learn?
Batman is learning that people are just as awful and desperate as they've always been. He's practically the only that has ever risen above his basest nature and become willing to sacrifice his happiness for the betterment of all mankind. Or all Gothamkind, really. He's learning that his faith in them was misguided. He's learning that we're all dicks, especially Superman who could have easily flown Batman and Two-Face to wherever Batman is taking Harvey. I suppose Batman was too stubborn to ask.

The Ranking!
No change. John Romita Jr.'s art is still terrible. It's weird how I accepted his art for what it was when he was working on Kick Ass and Hitgirl, even when he drew the worst monster trucks and automatic weapons. But now that he's drawing DC characters who I've been reading my entire life? I can't abide his style.

All-Star Batman #3

What was Duke's superhero name again? Meadowlark? It's not like anybody has ever mentioned it.

The Review!
Whatever Batman is trying to prove had better be more spectacular than learning the meaning of life. Because a lot of people are paying a pretty high price for Batman's stubbornness. Batman might feel good about himself because he doesn't kill but he should feel bad about himself because he never takes responsibility for the consequences of his actions. Batman could have chosen to let Harvey Dent go so that Harvey Dent wouldn't ruin everybody's lives. But instead of realizing his friend might not want help and that maybe it's time to just let his friend go, Batman chooses to accept the lives of everybody in Gotham being ruined as well as all the death and chaos that comes from every villain in the DCU chasing him down in exchange for his friend getting better. If I were Alfred, I would just hand Bruce a pistol and a copy of Of Mice and Men with a Post-It Note that reads, "Harvey Dent Problem Solving Kit".

This issue guest stars KGBeast, The Royal Flush Gang, Harold Allnut, and a band of ex-Arkham inmates called Batman's Asshole. Or Batman's Testicles. Or Batman's Fucked. Or Batman's Cunt. I think Batman's Asshole is my favorite choice for whatever Batman's @^$&@ actually stands for.

Batman manages to ease everybody a little further on down the road before trouble once again rears it's ugly two-faced head in the guise of, well, um, Two-face. I kind of blew that reveal, didn't I? Anyway, Two-Face gets the jump on Batman and Meadowlark (in his lemon outfit) and winds up pouring acid all over Batman's face. Well, over his cowl, anyway. Which means that Batman's cowl's lenses have been destroyed and Batman will be blind unless he wants to take off his cowl! Which he totally probably won't! Although I'll be severely disappointed if Batman can plan ahead so well that he keeps a Batarang strapped to his back whose sole purpose, it would seem, is to attach a tree trunk to Killer Croc's chest but he doesn't keep a regular, run-of-the-mill spandex cowl underneath his high tech cowl.

I'm fairly certain I'm going to be severely disappointed next month.

The Ranking!
No change! The story might be fun if you can get past how ridiculous the entire premise is and also that Batman would put this many people at risk for whatever he's trying to do. It might be less ridiculous if Batman could articulate why doing what he's doing is so important. Also, John Romita Jr's art is terrible. There's a back-up story that helps to justify the inflated cover price but I don't really find it's worth mentioning.

Future Quest #2

I don't mind Bleep or whatever the fuck Space Ghost's monkey's name is joining up with the Herculoids but fuck Jonny Quest's dog.

The Commentary!
• After I read Issue #1, I decided I wasn't going to keep reading this series. But I like all of the other Hanna-Barbera comic books and I really love the Herculoids and Jeff Parker isn't a hack writer, so why not give it another try, I figured! Actually, I didn't even put that much thought into it. I was just at a comic book store that wasn't my usual comic book store still looking for a copy of Batman Beyond #13 (for anybody wondering why I haven't had a Batman Beyond review in months, it's because I can't find that issue!) and saw they had all the Future Quest books I skipped earlier. So I picked them up and added them to my to-read stack which only ever seems to grow. Stupid comic books. Whose idea was it that comic books should come out every week?

• Even though The Herculoids was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, I can't fucking remember the names of any of them. They're all fucked up jungle names like Tarzan and Zartan! The only ones I remember are Gloop and Gleep and I'm not even sure if those are actually the names of the Pseudo-Shmoos!

• Currently, the Herculoids and Space Ghost and some of his Space Buddies are battling Omnikron. I think this is a flashback because Omnikron is defeated and winds up in pieces. His pieces end up on Earth and some villain working for F.E.A.R. organization are trying to collect them to become all-powerful. Only then will F.E.A.R. be able to defeat the Quests.

• Omnikron creates a vortex which transports its essence to Earth. Space Ghost and most of the Herculoids and a bunch of Space Buddies all fall into the rift and are transported to Earth too. Now they're going to find themselves in a boring ass Jonny Quest cartoon.

• I can't believe how much I keep slagging off Jonny Quest when I barely even used to watch it! I'm totally ignorant when it comes to Jonny Quest and yet I can't stop assuming it was awful!

• Jan, Jace, and Blip (I had to look up the monkey's damn name. Bleep was pretty fucking close, right?!) crash on Earth while Space Ghost remains in some purgatory with Omnikron. Jonny and Haji (I just looked up his name too. It's Hadji! Pretty fucking close, right?!) rescue Jan and Blip but Jace is nowhere to be seen! I guess he was thrown from the space ship because he was too macho to wear his space seat belt. I'm sure it'll be important to the story later that he wasn't with the group. Probably because they're about to be captured by F.E.A.R.

• What does F.E.A.R. stand for? Fucking Erudite Asshole Racists? False Equivalencies Are Retarded (they're an evil organization! They might use the terrible R-slur! Blame them if that's wrong!)? Failures Establishing A Regime? Fear Establishing Aryan Radicals?

Oh! Who needs Jace to save the day when you have Race! And that obviously smelly Bandit.

• Birdman also flies in to help although he's instantly caught himself. Maybe he should stick to practicing law.

• The F.E.A.R. agents retreat with Jan and Jace's ship. On their way out of the swamp, they trip over an invisible and unconscious Jace lying face down in the mud. See?! Too manly to wear his seat belt! I'll be surprised if F.E.A.R. didn't just find themselves a corpse.

• The Quest team regroup because another vortex is about to open in Brazil. They need to beat Doctor Zin and F.E.A.R. to the location even though they have no idea why they're doing it. They just know that if Zin is interested in these vortexes, they can't be good. Too bad they don't realize Zin has teamed up with Jezebel Jade! I mean, I think that's probably bad. I don't know who she is. Maybe one of Race Bannon's ex-girlfriends he dumped horribly who never got over him and has dedicated her life to pure evil and destroying Race?

The Review
This series might still be a bit too earnest for my tastes. But then, maybe I need to read some more earnest stories? Maybe I need to read stories about good people doing good for the sake of good while also never swearing or acting lewd around cute women. Maybe it will do my cold, dead heart good to see how caring, competent people try to make the world a better place? Although, I don't want to overdo it! I'd better stick the other Future Quest issues further down in the stack so I don't overdose on sentimentality.

Ranking: +1. (Note this is a +1 with a period! That's not quite as good as a +1 with an exclamation point!)

Batman #5

The Review!
The metaphor (meataphor?) of this book is readily apparent to anybody who knows what a metaphor is and can read and has made the connection that Gotham the super hero has the same name as Gotham the city. If it's a bit subtle for some of you, you're probably writing for Comic Book Resources. I don't have anything against Comic Book Resources but I feel like I should really hate anybody I can identify as a rival. Often I'll stand in line at Taco Bell thinking what a fucking slut the person ahead of me is. I don't even have anything against sluts! I think maybe I'm just angry. But then who isn't angry inside a Taco Bell? There's a reason every one of us is under that roof and it's not because we have control over our lives. Especially that slut.

So, um, that metaphor! Let me walk you through it slowly. Gotham is a city and that city has problems. Batman tries to fix those problems. And that's the synopsis of seventy-five years of Batman. But wait! Tom King has come along and thought, "What if...wait for it...wait for it (that first wait for it was asking you to wait for the second wait for it!)...Gotham was a character! But not in that way too subtle and overly finessed way Scott Snyder did it in his incomprehensible run on the comic! I say we make Gotham an actual person! And he can totally represent Gotham in every way and now Batman has to fix him or punch him or put out fires on him or buy up pieces of his body at rock bottom prices and then patrol those neighborhoods to drive out crime so that the value of his properties rise! Okay, yeah, you're right. I'm getting a little bit too literal on the metaphor! But you get where I'm going with this, right? Gotham City is broken and then comes this guy Gotham who is majestic and awe-inspiring and a great place to raise your kids. But then he gets broken too! Now we can watch Batman fix Gotham City by fixing Gotham Dude! Who wants to be the first to shake my hand and pat me on the back?!"

It's actually more complex than that but I'm a lousy critic who is probably just jealous of professional writers and needs to tear down everything they make to feel better about my lousy existence, so how am I supposed to understand the complexity of the metaphor? I suppose I have to remember that Hugo Strange is part of this and, just like all of Batman's villains, Strange is trying to control Gotham. But not the city! The dude! Get it?! But by controlling Gotham Dude, Hugo can now destroy Gotham City. So the metaphor sort of begins to bleed into itself like a Dali painting running from the rain and dripping all over an Escher print.

At one point in the story, Alfred dresses up like Batman to confront Gotham merely to detain him. Gotham says, "What...who are you?" Alfred responds, "I'm Batman." Then Gotham is all, "No...you're just a man in a mask." See?! It's still all metaphor for how the city reacted to some idiot tying a towel around his neck and running about the yard hitting his friends with sticks. Gotham City's first reaction is, "How can a man in a mask help?! We're all dying here!" And, well, the city must be right because Alfred turns and runs away once Batman arrives. Which is the continuation of the metaphor! I think. Maybe it's a different metaphor. Or perhaps I'm wandered into thematic discussion? Anyway, the point is that the city doesn't need somebody in a mask to save it. The city needs the Jeezly Crow Batman! And it can recognize when the pencil mustachioed man with the ill-fitting onesie draped over him isn't Batman.

So now that you've got all that metaphor in your head--don't be distracted by the Monster Men who are coming!--it's time for the big twist: Batman is actually Gotham! No wonder he was so upset when he realized he was infested with owls. Batman is such a huge control freak that he blames himself for everything that is wrong with Gotham because it's everything that is wrong with himself. His failures and his flaws are Gotham's failures and flaws. And with that revelation, Gotham is no longer needed and the metaphor is allowed to run its course and die. But Gotham Girl gets to stick around because she needs to marry Duke Thomas and kill Bruce Wayne later. You can't have a Batman series without a Death of Batman story being wedged in there somewhere, apparently.

So I guess this is becoming a Gotham Girl comic book and not a Batman comic book. I bet David Finch was excited about that! I have a feeling Tom King just finally broke down from Finch's incessant emails asking King to write in more scenes where Gotham Girl can wear a bikini or maybe be in her panties getting ready for bed or perhaps barely covered up by the steam of a shower while naked in the bathroom or perhaps just have her cosplaying White Rabbit! And Tom King was all, "Fine! Gotham Girl Year One! Bone up on your female underwear drawings!" And David Finch was all, "Boned and ready!"

Somebody, somewhere, at some point in time is going to point to this panel to show how much stronger and more powerful Gotham Girl is because she doesn't look hurt at all while Gotham is now dead. But it's really just the only way David Finch knows how to draw women and men. Women are always somehow under good light with clear skin and men are lit by flickering florescent bulbs with old, tattered wrinkled skin (and usually fish lips).

All Star Batman #1

Which Batman were you expecting?

The Review!
This book seems like it'll be fun. Even though the basic premise that I have to buy to really get into the story is this: Harvey Dent somehow magically knows everything about everybody ever and can reveal it in such a way that it isn't just white noise when it's let loose into the world! I suppose I don't totally have to buy into that premise. I just have to buy into the premise that everybody in Gotham buys into the premise and that they all have dirty secrets that they've idiotically not completely kept to themselves! Such amateurs! When you have dirty secrets, you don't tell them to anybody! I mean, sometimes you can tell them on your blog but then you also have to say a lot of things that are complete fabrications to hide the truths amid the lies! That works really well! I know because a friend of a friend who has this really awesome comic book blog that everybody should be reading told me how it works really well! Was that clear enough so that you know I'm talking about my blog? I mean, I wanted to be subtle about it but then I realized if you didn't get I was talking about my blog, you might think there's actually another comic book blog out there that's better than this blog and I couldn't leave you thinking that! Although I bet those guys at the Weird Science Blog have some really disgusting secrets! I bet they shave kittens and rub them on their testicles. They're so gross!

The Commentary!
My cousin messaged me on the day this came out and asked, "All Star Batman? Yes or no?" I said, "Yes, I suppose. I'm pro Snyder but not so hot on Romita." He told me that was almost word for word what the clerk at his comic book store told him. So I guess I'm not as avant-garde a thinker as I thought I was. I'm just as intelligent as a jerk selling comic books to other jerks. But, in all sincerity (and I'm rarely sincere so listen closely! Or read closely. Whatever. You understood!), how did John Romita Jr. get the job on All Star Batman? During the John Romita Jr. Variant Covers month, he drew Batman wielding a gun. If there's one absolute no-no of a way to fuck up a portrait of Batman, that would be it! And now on the cover of this issue, he's drawn Batman with some kind of gigantic bottle opener batarang that might also be some kind of bear trap? You'll have to look at your own copy of this comic book because I scanned the Adam West Variant Cover.

"Hoo hoo hey! I was drawn by a professional!"

The poor guy with the red wall eyes is the owner of a truck stop diner that's about to get smashed to bits by Batman's face. Killer Moth and Firefly (two bug-type criminals because the waitress was talking about how big the bugs are getting and then...ha ha! Get it!) throw Batman through the window and into the jukebox. I think it's a jukebox. It's a pretty big fucking jukebox. But it has all the hallmarks of a jukebox. I think. Anyway, Batman's face smashes straight through it because somehow Killer Moth and Firefly got the drop on Batman. I don't really need to know how. I don't need a "24 hours earlier" bit on the next page and I have a feeling Snyder won't do that to the reader. This is All Star Batman! None of those gimmicks for this periodical! This is all action and poorly rendered jukeboxes and diner chefs!

Firefly and Killer Moth want some information from Batman. They threaten to kill everybody in the diner if Batman doesn't give up what he knows. I have a feeling Batman isn't going to give them the answer they want. Unless what they're looking for are his Batarangs! He'll show them exactly where those are and in what orifices they uncomfortably fit!

Batman spits out a few teeth and a half gallon of blood so he can say, "Remain calm, everybody! I have this handled! Did I say clam? I meant calm if I said clam. I don't think I said clam but I don't want anybody to be confused. Remain clam. I mean calm!" Then he creepily winks at everybody while the comic book explains he's Batman: most wanted man in the state. Oh my! I wonder what that's about! So exciting!

Actually, their only job is to fuck, shut up, and die! So, maybe go with another bon mot unless you're ready to carry through with an anal raping in front of the diner patrons. You know, to be technically correct and all. Just actuallying!

"Just actuallying!" is what nerds should start saying instead of "Just saying!" Because they're never just saying! But they're always just wiping their drippy dicks all over the chins of everybody they just put in their place with a well-timed actually!

Why would Batman think that Killer Moth doesn't know everything there is to know about moths already? Does he think Killer Moth is just half-assing the gimmick? Come on, Batman! Show your villainous counterparts some respect!

Batman just got beat to crap and then beat the crap out of the people who beat him to crap and some asshole in the crowd of bystanders decides it's an optimal time for calling out his bullshit. Well, at least you feel good about yourself, Ms. Self-Righteous, My-Way-Or-My-Incessant-Yapping Piece of Shit! At least now you'll be able to tell the story and make yourself out to be the social hero! "Batman was right there in the diner, bleeding from nearly every orifice, having just butt-fucked a man in a moth costume and I stood my ground! I was all, 'You are gross, Batman! You are problematic and gross and it's your fault that we're all about to die because a dangerous villain followed you here! I mean, you were dragged here by two men in bug costumes but that's no excuse! Hashtag Batman? More like Badman!'" Luckily Batman doesn't have to listen to her for long because he's dragged back outside by a pair of mechanical arms.

This is the part of the story where Scott Snyder finally can't resist and feels the need to explain what's been happening. Boo! Hiss! Snyder, you coward!

Snyder then begins to tell the story backwards because who wants to read a boring linear story? Writing a story backwards is something Real Writers do! They're all, "Check this shit out! I'm fucking blowing this narrative to Comedom King! Get it? Did you get that joke? Was it too intellectual for you?!"

The problem with writing the story backwards is that I find it difficult to comment on. Jerk is making my job hard! So twenty-two minutes before the diner scene, some guy in a potato sack hood scoffed at Batman for throwing something away. What did he throw away? I don't know! It's a backwards mystery! Then two hours before that, Batman, Commissioner Gordon, and some idiot in motorcycle gear apparently sponsored by Batman are standing around the Bat-signal chatting about acid rain and Harvey Dent. Citizens are standing around in the streets covered in bandages. I'm assuming it's because they're embarrassed to be seen looking like they were drawn by John Romita Jr.

Oh, I guess Motorcycle Batman is Duke Thomas. Batman explains that he's better than Robin. I guess all the pederast jokes were getting kind of old.

Two weeks before the rooftop meeting, Batman was asked by Harvey Dent to burn Two-Face out of him. So, you know, Harvey Dent is back to life because this is Rebirth! Harvey Dent told Bruce he had a plan to get rid of Two-Face once and for all. But Alfred was all, "How do you know this isn't Two-Face telling you these things! You're going to be in big trouble, sir!" And Batman was all, "Shut the fuck up, Alfred. Who signs your checks?"

Notice all the time increments have twos in them! I think that's a clue! I bet the next flashback will be two years ago!

Eventually enough back story is given (I hope!) and things settle back down to 20 minutes before the diner. Twenty minutes ago, Batman was forced to listen to Harvey Dent psychoanalyze everybody in Gotham, all based on the fact that his evil eye is color-blind.

Oh, shut the fuck up. I wish I signed your paychecks!

Two-Face believes everybody has a secret side they hide from the world. I've said it before that we all have secrets we'd refuse to tell even our closest confidantes. Not me, of course! I tell everybody everything via this blog! So Two-Face wouldn't be able to control me! He'd be all, "I'll tell everybody you sniff your belly button funk!" And I'll be all, "Oh yeah? I'll show everybody! See? Mmmm! Mmmm! So tangy!" And he'll be all, "Eww! I point out how you once masturbated in a park after dark!" And I'll be all, "Hey! I didn't do that! Don't tell people I did that! That's a big fat lie that you can't prove anyway because nobody even saw me!" And then he'll be all, "Oh yeah! But what about that time you..." And I'll scream, "Not that! That's enough! I'll take your deal! Just don't say that!" Okay. So there are some things I'll never reveal to anonymous people on the other side of this computer screen. Why should I? You're all judgmental bastards!

Two-Face has made a deal with everybody in Gotham that if he gets to wherever Batman is taking him, he's going to release all of the secrets he knows about everybody (and being Gotham's District Attorney, apparently he has access to it all). Now, I don't believe everybody cares. I bet 85% of the residents of Gotham will shrug their shoulders and go, "Who the fuck cares? No way he knows I secretly dig up earthworms in the backyard and shove them in my vagina." But Two-Face knows that 15% of the people of Gotham will be terrified by Two-Face's threat. And they'll mobilize to stop Batman. Like Killer Moth and Firefly have done! And the guy with the mechanical arms.

Also, if Two-Face is set free, he's going to pay the person scads and scads of money! The next villain to beat up Batman is Black Spider. He's the guy with the mechanical arms that pulled Batman out of the diner. He also has some bullets in a gun that all say "Batmau" on them. He set the press wrong because he was in a hurry.

Batman stops Black Spider too because how could he not? It's Black Spider not Doomsday (who Batman could also stop anyway)! But then all of the assholes in the diner decide to join up and collect the reward together because--as I pointed out in the beginning of the sentence--they're assholes.

Batman gets away from them quicker than it takes him to piss in the morning (which, seeing as he's getting older, isn't really all that quick) and he drags Harvey away to lock him in the back of a truck. I guess he's going to drive Harvey to wherever he's taking him. And he'll have to battle scads and scads of villains along the way! I wonder if I can fit any more "scads and scads" into this commentary? Wouldn't it be great to have scads and scads of "scads and scads"? Bingo! Anyway, that's probably why the issue begain "Miles Traveled: 0". Because Batman is going to have to drive 500 miles just to...oh, you know where that's going, don't you? Sorry.

The "house" Batman is taking Harvey Dent to is probably his childhood home where he'll be able to face the thing that caused the schism way back in his childhood. It was probably seeing the neighbor girl shoving earthworms into her vagina.

Batman goes radio silent with Alfred because Batman knew Alfred targeted the Batplane. Not that Alfred has anything to hide. It's just he's tired of having to shut the fuck up simply because Batman signs his motherfucking checks. Batman drives off on his own with only Gentleman Ghost hanging on to the back of the truck as it heads toward its destination.

There's a back-up story because there had to be a reason that Declan Shalvey and Jordie Bellaire got their names on the cover but weren't involved in the first story. That's called a clue! And I noticed it because I'm like Batman! I fuck moth's in the ass! I mean, something about being a detective! Not the moth thing!

The back-up story is called "The Cursed Wheel" and it's Duke's first case with the Batman where he does more than just solve word problems. In this case, he's wearing his new outfit which he bought at the Yamaha Dealership and stuck Bat stickers on. I still don't know what his superhero name is if it isn't Robin. I'm guessing it's just Motorcycle Batman!

Duke and Batman investigate some killings that look like Zsasz was probably responsible. But that's not the important part of this first chapter. The important part is The Cursed Wheel which is some kind of visual representation of all of Batman's training and all of Alfred's sassy remarks woven into a template that teaches sidekicks to become heroes...or villains! And one of them is a great big stinky villain who won't be revealed until who knows when. But it had better not be Alfred! Even though he took a shot at Batman in the main story! I'm sure that was just Alfred knowing the best way to help Batman was to knock his plane out of the sky and force Batman to go radio silent. Right? That has to be why he did that. Right? RIGHT?! TELL ME I'M FUCKING RIGHT AND SNYDER ISN'T DOING THE ONE THING I SAID SO LONG AGO THAT NO WRITER SHOULD EVER DO?!

Batman #4

Gotham's kryptonite must be seeing Batman's cock.

The Review!
I'm not going to let one ridiculously tortured plot development turn me against Tom King who wrote the exceptional Omega Men book and co-wrote the fun Grayson book. My brain is screaming to write something about time travel and castrating his grandfather but I'm not going to resort to such childish behavior. I'm better than other critics! I can let a weak scene go without tearing down Tom King's entire career! So he made a mistake! He wrote a shitty scene with crap motivation that makes no actual sense. If I could find a way to blame it on David Finch, I would! But the scene with Gotham's parents is all Tom King. He has to own it. From this day forward, it will be the weird dead bird jewelry he wears to weddings which he has to explain to everybody who passes by. The good news is that we all trip up every now and then! Just the other day, I kicked a cat in the head on purpose! I was all, "Fuck you, cat!" And then I kicked it in the head so hard that I created a new mini-universe. Also I'm lying about kicking a cat in the head. My real mistake was thinking that was a funny thing to write. But now I'm crying over a cat I totally made up. See, Tom King? We all makes mistakes! You can move past yours. But I don't think I'm getting over my mistake. I feel terrible now!

The Commentary!
Last issue, we learned people have different ideas about what Gotham does to the people who live there. Batman and the Gotham Kids' parents think Batman makes people stronger. But Hugo Strange thinks Gotham makes people stupid fucking idiots with low self-esteem who are in denial and willing to live in constant danger because they have no imagination and can't envision a city where dozens of people don't die every night. Hugo Strange makes a more compelling argument than the good guys. The only problem is Hugo will take a decent assessment of the city and decide that the solution is to make the city even worse. That's because he and Batman agree on at least one thing: fear makes people stronger! I mean, Batman's whole shtick is to scare criminals but I don't think he wants to make them stronger. So I think Batman has some addenda to his fear thing where he believes criminals are cowardly and will just be more fearful because they're stupid criminals but victims are brave and will become stronger because they're not criminals! It makes sense to a guy willing to stay up all night in Bat-pajamas.

This issue begins with Batman discovering twenty-seven dead soldiers and Gotham Girl crying in the corner talking about being scared. See? She's sticking to the theme! Gotham is a scary place, even for superheroes! But it's what you do with that fear that separates you from the people who do something different with that fear! Hmm, maybe I should have thought about that sentence more and turned it into something quotable. But why bother when that president has a monopoly on fear quotes with the whole fearing fear is the greatest fear thing. Apparently Gotham has been mind-manipulated by Psycho-Pirate and Batman's greatest fear has come true: a good guy with super powers is being used for evil purposes. Nobody in the Justice League ever takes the time to understand why Batman has a Kill Box in the Bat Cave for every other member of the Justice League, even when they're constantly being controlled and manipulated by magic and psychic powers and Joker Venom. But this is why! Because none of them seem to be able to withstand even the amateurish emotional manipulations of Psycho-Pirate. I get that Psycho-Pirate is, once again, being manipulated himself by a more intelligent super villain. But it's still just Psycho-Pirate's barbaric assault of pure emotion. I guess that's as effective as bringing a club to an art museum and just smashing away. It might not take a lot of thought or preparation but it's effective!

Good thing, according to the cover, Batman has already discovered Gotham's secret weakness is seeing his cock! I hope Gotham Girl has the same weakness! Ooh la la!

P.S. The Monster Men are coming.

Can I put a postscript in the middle of a written piece? Am I allowed to do that? Why am I asking you? You're a bigger failed writer than I am!

Alfred, this is not the time for your droll sense of humor. She is terrified and in pain!

Knowing that Alfred has had more than a lifetime of giving a shit about people in pain, Duke Thomas steps in to comfort the hot young woman with shoulder rubs and long hugs and sensitive, caring frottage. Duke is all, "Do you like my skin? I look like a woman in the Bat-cave's poor lighting, don't I? That's to indicate I'm young! See all of Alfred's wrinkles? What an oldie! Just ignore him because you probably have Daddy Issues and I don't want you falling for him before you fall for me!" But Duke's game is interrupted by Batman needing Duke to do some more Word Problems for him. Batman has tracked down Gotham and is ready to talk some sense into him. Too bad Gotham is invulnerable so Batman's usual method of talking sense is just going to hurt Batman's fists.

Oh, come on, Batman! Those twenty-seven dead men are exactly the first thing you thought he could do the instant you met him! You want to gloat a little bit right now, right? Just a bit? Give Gotham an "I knew it!" or "I told somebody so, probably a butler!"?

Duke, knowing that he was being asked to do a Word Problem and not any actual investigation of the twenty-seven dead soldier crime scene, makes a huge breakthrough! He realizes that by taking all of the serial numbers on the dog tags of the victims, he could...add them up! Holy shit! You mean, numbers can be added together?! Even when they're as big as the numbers in military serial numbers?! That Duke Thomas is a crazy ass fucking genius! I hope they add up to the number 517713173!

Oh man. If you got that reference, you are fucking big time. I'm calling you Mr. Big Time from now on! And I don't mean, "got that reference after thinking it seemed familiar and fucking Googling it". I mean, "got that reference because you saw it and immediately thought, "I'm still angry about wasting my money on that piece of shit series!"

Gotham takes off after destroying Batman's car (which probably also destroyed the motorcycle inside of the car) so Batman has to use his Red Robin wings to get back to the Batcave. But unlike Red Robin, Batman keeps his wings in the trunk of the Batmobile. He really should have Tim design him some wings that just pop out of his butthole or whatever.

Duke's Word Problem is even worse than the one I imagined it would be.

Not only is Duke a fucking genius for figuring it out, whoever designed the dog tags so they contained this clue has some kind of super villain OCD.

This is where Batman's super power of being able to differentiate between complete nonsense and salient plot points comes into play. Because if I were Batman, I would tell Duke he was reaching. But Batman is all, "Amanda Waller is behind this! And not the steadily gaining weight Amanda Waller of Suicide Squad Rebirth #1 but the skinny one with a hint of a rounder cheek because David Finch can only draw one body type on a woman." My theory for David Finch's art style is that David Finch always walked out of art class if the model was overweight or older than fifteen or male. What I'm saying is he isn't versatile.

Batman heads off to speak with Amanda Waller in her super secure secret location that nobody knows about. He gets the added bonus of startling and humiliating General Lane, a story I'm sure he'll share with Superman over a beer and a laugh. The coded dog tags were so specifically coded that I have to believe they were there on purpose to alert Batman. And since he's now going in to talk to Waller, my guess is Waller put them there because she doesn't like being forced to work this shitty plan by Lane and Strange. At least I hope that's it because I like to think that Batman and Waller can always find a way to work together by ignoring the huge chasm in their ethical and moral differences.

Amanda Waller reveals to Batman that Task Force X was given the job to stop Gotham from burning down every few months. Her plan was pretty much the plan I pointed out when I realized it was Strange and Psycho-Pirate. Psycho-Pirate's power would be use to contain the more exuberant emotions of the residents of Gotham while Strange would direct Psycho-Pirate because Psycho-Pirate is, as you can tell by his name, psycho. A two-man Suicide Squad team to fix Gotham! But, as sometimes happens on Squad missions, Amanda's agents went rogue and decided to play dolls with Gotham and Gotham Girl. Now Amanda wants Batman's help which is basically an admittance of failure on her part. She's basically saying Batman is the only one who can keep Gotham under control and even though it burns down every few months, that's better than it would be without Batman.

Batman learns that one of the soldiers survived Gotham's attack and got a look at Gotham as Gotham took off his mask and did some research to find out who Gotham was and went off to kill Gotham's parents because he was angry that his friends were dead. Just a second. I have to check the cover of this comic book. Nope, it's definitely Tom King writing this. He must be overworked writing all of that highfalutin stuff in The Sheriff of Babylon (which has an advertisement on the opposite page of this hack revelation in Batman, so...you know, correlation confirmed?) and didn't have time to come up with a way to kill Gotham's parents that made sense. Because this is a brutally tortured method of arriving at this point.

Sure, I can chalk it up to Psycho-Pirate! It's all Psycho-Pirate manipulating emotions and driving the soldier so crazy that he decided the best way to get revenge is to reverse Google image search a picture of Gotham unmasked to discover who he is on Facebook and then find the guy's parents to kill them in a blind rage. Sure. I could do that. But I don't want to do that. I wouldn't do that for Scott Lobdell so I'm not doing it for Tom King either. He's going to have to live with being criticized! Ptui! I spit on this plot development, Tom King! Whoops! I missed the plot development and accidentally spit on Tom's dick! Why waste it, Tom? You can still fuck me! No hard feelings?

See? That's the Hugo solution I mentioned earlier! He wants to make Gotham worse! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Batman #3

Why was Batman hanging around inside a building on his motorcycle? Fucking dick.

The Commentary!
Hopefully David Finch convinced Tom King to write some scenes with women in them this month. It's like Tom King doesn't understand the importance of the male gaze in comic books drawn by David Finch! It's exclusively why people enjoy David Finch's art! Nobody thrills to David Finch's depiction of fish-mouthed men somehow skulking in the shadows of a fully lit room! Finch fans want half-naked women with belly buttons showing through their dresses! They want to see Finch infantilize women by drawing them to look like fourteen year old girls! Simply put: David Finch fans want The White Rabbit! Bring her back, Tom King, and forget trying to be hip and groovy by bringing in Kite-man! Unless of course, being Rebirth, you can bring in Kite-woman? Maybe she never plans enough time to get ready for the big heist and has to rush out in a towel! I bet David Finch is already whipping out his paint brush¹ for that story!

I know I usually lather up Tom King's erect phallus with enough of my own spit for a hundred DNA tests but I suddenly find my mouth as dry as a Republican wife's pussy as she listens to her husband, once again, misunderstand the tax code as I read the first few pages of this issue. How many times do I have to read an alternate version of the alley scene where Tommy and Mary were killed? How many hours per week does Batman spend in Crime Alley waiting to stop future competition from being created? I would understand the need for this scene if the family were composed of three women in towels and the mugger was another woman in a towel and maybe one of the towels was ripped off like Martha's pearls! That would be artful! But this? This is just rehashed hash! I've seen it before and I'll see it again because Batman can't fucking get over it. Why must I suffer because Batman won't go to therapy?!

It's also possible I should simply trust that Tom King is going somewhere spectacular with his alternate Crime Alley scene because he rarely disappoints! But that's intelligent person talk! I'm an internet reactionary who hops on Twitter at the first hint of a coherent thought to dismiss anything and everything! I don't have the strength of character to read something by a well-regarded artist and admit that the fault might not be in the writing but in my own understanding of it. Obviously my five minutes of reading something that took many more hours to construct is the correct opinion of the thing! How could it be any different?!

Batman calls for an ambulance to check out the family that was mugged and then gives them some Bat-advice.

I would also add "Don't let this mugger take away your love of walking down poorly lighted streets at night in a crime-ridden area of Gotham!"

Is that why Batman became Batman? Because villains are a cowardly lot and he likes to make them scared so they get the opportunity to fight the fear and become stronger?

The story about wanting to be part of the piss and smoke which opens this comic book is being told by the father of the family Batman saves. He just happens to have a son and a daughter who look an awful lot like Gotham and Gotham Girl. That probably isn't it though because what are the odds that Gotham was created in the same alley that Batman was created in? Oh, you know what? They're pretty good since this is a fabricated and contrived² story!

The person Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents are telling their story to is Matches Malone. They think he's with the FBI and not a gangster like he usually pretends to be! So they tell him all of their childrens' secrets, especially the one about how they were overseas and needed a shitload of money for some mysterious purpose that probably involved Dr. Jace. When they returned, Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly appeared! And remember, Batman doesn't believe in coincidences³! At least not in certain situations. So I guess he sort of believes in them sometimes.

Before Matches Malone leaves Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents, he breaks down crying, falls on his knees, and hugs their mother, burying his face in her matronly bosom. Except he does it in the Batman way by saying, "You are nice people. You remind me of nice people I once knew. It is nice. And emotional. I must go now!"

Meanwhile, The Monster Men are Coming!

Leaving the Gotham Kids Estate, Batman is told by Alfred that a suicide bomber has blown up the middle of a bridge during rush hour. So Batman must be quickly off to the scene of the catastrophe!

Why is this even a thing that is needed? Who thought this was clever? Why are dumb things constantly turning up in my comic books? Oh wait. Haven't they always? Have I...outgrown comic books?!

I guess Matches Malone never gives anybody a lift in his car because what do you say when somebody asks, "Why is there a motorcycle in your car?"

Over at the explosion, Gotham tries to keep the bridge from collapsing by holding it underneath while Gotham Girl watches holding one small child. I guess her job is watching for signs of Batman. Although I don't know how he's going to help keep the bridge from collapsing. Throw a Batarang and shoot a Bat-grapple? Maybe inside of his Bat-cycle is a Bat-plane that sprays Bat-glue?

Turns out my speculation wasn't far from the truth. Except the Bat-plane arrives on its own and Batman shoots a number of Bat-grapples to secure the bridge to the Bat-plane. No Batarangs or Bat-glue⁴!

While Batman saves the bridge, Hugo Strange tells another story that's the antithesis of the story told by the parents of the Gotham Kids. The Gotham Parents' story was all about how the piss and smoke tastes good and enables a person to be better somehow. It isn't explained well in their story because being beaten down by the city you live in, pissed on and covered in the retching smell of smoke, doesn't make for an easy explanation as to how it helps improve a person. I guess it makes a person want to improve the city because maybe the piss and smoke isn't as good as it seems? But Hugo Strange's story about living in a city that's constantly falling and breaking down makes the populace feel like they're constantly falling and breaking down makes a lot more sense! Hugo says that to survive that kind of world, the residents of Gotham simply live in denial, or to embrace the horror of their city and join it. So what Hugo is saying is that Gotham City is existentialism? And he wants to bring--what?--faith to Gotham? Basically, his Monster Men are supposed to make people declare, "I am not Gotham!" That's because that fits in with the theme of people being Gotham, see?! Like Batman, Hugo Strange wants the people of Gotham to face their fear, be brave, and stand strong. He wants them to stop accepting the piss and smoke of Gotham and realize that they don't have to identify with the shithole. They can look at Gotham and say, "Fuck this shit. This shit should be better!"

I think I might be with Hugo Strange! Except I'm sure his plan involves killing thousands of people with his Monster Men while Amanda Waller signs his checks. Although how is Hugo's plan going to work when there's also an Army of Batmen at work in Gotham? Won't the Batmen Army just cancel out the Monster Men invasion while the Bat-family sits back and watches?

So what? Batman is just going to leave the Bat-plane like that until it runs out of fuel and everything collapses?

After Batman leaves to do research, another explosion takes place in the city. When the Gotham Kids arrive, they discover Hugo Strange waiting for them with Psycho Pirate. Great! Now they're going to discover why Batman really hates heroes with super powers! Because those powers are constantly being manipulated by villains and used against the populace they're supposed to protect! I hope Batman already has a plan to take down the Gotham Kids! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he does!

The Review!
My mouth is a little bit wetter than it was at the beginning of this commentary, so I might be able to spit on King's dick a few times to get it lubed up for my butthole. I've never been too interested in Hugo Strange but this story seems to be the kind of thing he was made for. He's psychoanalyzing the city of Gotham for Amanda Waller in an effort to discover the proper therapy to cure it of its mania, depression, violent tendencies, and god complex. If that seems a bit too abstract, Hugo also gets to do the same thing to a hero named Gotham. That should make the allegory more palatable, I think. And while Hugo Strange might have the ability of manipulating people through therapy, he doesn't quite have the chops to simply mind-control some super kids. So getting him to manipulate Psycho Pirate to manipulate the Gotham Kids is a nice touch. Although isn't that how Psycho Pirate is always used? He's such a spineless coward without any emotions of his own! The Medusa Mask made him its slave and now he's just a quivering blank slate to be chalked upon by villains smarter and stronger willed than he is. So, you know, I'm still enjoying Batman! Ptui! _______________________________________________
¹Yes, that is indeed code for his penis.

²I don't mean contrived in a derogatory sense!

³According to Justice League Rebirth #1!

⁴At least not this time!

Batman #2

Here we see Batman thinking, "I'm getting too old for this shit."

The Review!
Tom King's Batman is the best Batman because...that's where I would put a bunch of smart reasons that I don't want to come up with. But you know they'd be really smart and super intelligent and way funnier than any reasons given by those guys at the Weird Science blog! Their motto is "We don't know who Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea is but we know we're not as cool!" I think. Their motto might also not revolve around me at all. In fact, if anybody has ever mentioned my blog to them, they probably responded with "What do you want me to eat, asshole?!" Anyway, Batman with no Narration Boxes is the best Batman. If you like Batman with Narration Boxes, you're basically Kevin Smith. And who would want to be Kevin Smith? I mean aside from the success and the loving family and the ability to eat anything you want because hockey jerseys fit people of any size. Did that sound like I was slagging off Kevin Smith? I didn't mean to! I love Kevin Smith! I also love telling kittens at the Humane Society that I'm going to be taking them home and then sneaking out without another word. Oh! I also love San Dimas!

The Commentary!
I am glad that DC Comics has continued to have faith in the success of light-hearted, hilarious books like Batman. I, for one, like to see a crime-fighter with self-control who merely breaks arms, legs, and jaws. A person in authority who does not pin a man to the ground and shoot him in the face because they felt disrespected, or have a huge power trip, or know that no District Attorney is ever going to seriously convict a policeman for murder because they work too closely with the department to get convictions and even the so-called good police officers will close rank if any one of the horrible ones is ever actually brought to justice for murdering somebody (always a black somebody) in cold blood. So it's refreshing to pick up a comical book like Batman and lose myself in the laughter and jokes and misadventures of a caring, empathetic soul!

Last issue, Batman met Gotham and Gotham Girl. Batman refrained from snickering at their names. Although later he had a good laugh telling Alfred about them even if he didn't quite catch what Alfred mumbled about the name Batman as he walked out of the room with the tea tray. This issue begins with Solomon Grundy in town on business. I think he's on a stand-up comedy tour.

"Played the Laugh Factory on Wednesday! Bombed on Thursday! Had therapy on Friday! Beat himself up emotionally on Saturday! Cried all day on Sunday!"

It's nice to begin a comic book with Solomon Grundy already on a rampage because who wants to set up the story surrounding his motivations?! He's just a big dumb zombie comedian! Why waste space on his trials and tribulations when we already know the troubles which comics have to deal with since every other program on Netflix is about comedians? It's best to just begin with Grundy smashing stuff so that the reader can immediately think, "Oh! Bad set, hunh Grundy?"

Gotham and Gotham Girl think the best way to defeat Grundy is to punch him while he's reciting his act. But Batman knows the proper way to stop Grundy is to wait until he's finished and them throw him out of the club.

Wait! Grundy said the whole poem but he forgot about falling in love on Friday!

I bet David Finch was disappointed that Tom King was making Solomon Grundy the enemy. I bet he whined and hedged and tried to convince King to make it the White Rabbit. Or since it's Rebirth, what about a female version of Solomon Grundy who looks hot and sexy and wears almost no clothes?

Batman seems to think sharing the responsibilities of keeping order in Gotham is a good idea. He doesn't tell Gotham and Gotham Girl to beat it any times which is way less times than I thought he would. Instead he lectures Gotham about how he needs to do better and doesn't even bother speaking with Gotham Girl. I bet Bruce Wayne has sex with Gotham Girl later! Or already?

Batman is beginning to feel like the old guy being forced out of a company because he's old and earns too much money and doesn't have any super-powers and did I mention how old he was? He accepts that it's better to have heroes like Gotham and Gotham Girl in Gotham. Mostly because it would be weird if they were in Metropolis. But also because he is just a man. A regular man who shouldn't probably be climbing around on the outside of a plane to save the day. He's best at scaring kids so that they don't go around spraying graffiti on everything. And he's okay at bouncing Solomon Grundy from a club or two. But what if an asteroid full of dinosaurs infected with Cosmic AIDS was crashing down on the city? How would he climb on that to save the day?! The best thing he can do is accept Gotham and Gotham Girl as a new regular feature of the city.

Oh, will he? I think Dick has moved on with his own plans, dude!

Above the Batcave, Bruce Wayne is throwing a gala for the opening of a children's hospital! You know what that means, right? Time to meet Gotham Girl in her civilian garb and bang the stability out of her! Probably while Gotham watches. I meant the city! Because he'll do her on the helipad on top of his company skyscraper! And also Gotham will probably be watching too! The hero!

Meanwhile, a man with PTSD kills himself in Commissioner Gordon's office after saying that the Monster Men are coming. And by PTSD, I mean Post-Therapy of Strange, Doctor. Or something. You get it!

At the gala, Bruce Wayne is rubbing his erection on the thigh of a young woman who thinks they're just dancing when he looks out the window, sees the Bat Signal in the sky, and says, "I have to go! It has nothing to do with that light in the sky! I just have to masturbate now!" Then he rushes off with the young woman saying, "Why do you need to masturbate?! My underpants are currently a swampland!" At least David Finch was given a few panels where he could draw a woman! Or was it a young girl? No, no. I'm pretty sure it was a woman or else Bruce wouldn't have been so sexy to her.

Oh, and remember that part where I said this boock was light-hearted and hilarious and you thought, "Fuck you, you stupid idjit!"? Remember?

Boom! In your stupid face! Hilarity!

Just for a second, let's go back to that Monster Men are Coming bit that I breezed over like I usually breeze over things thinking that everybody is filling the empty spaces of the things I'm not saying with things that I would be saying if I didn't think they were so obvious! Is Tom King going to have a bit of a meta-conversation between his book and the television show, Gotham? Because basically this whole Monster Men thing and Dr. Hugo Strange stuff was the cliffhanger for the last season of Gotham. The other part of the cliffhanger was when was Selina going to poison Alfred for slapping her? So tense!

On the roof of Gotham Central, Commissioner Gordon makes sure Gotham and Gotham Girl feel just how much he dislikes having to work with more freaking heroes. Although he might like how Gotham Girl likes to fly above him while wearing a really short skirt. I wonder if her bum is as cute as Supergirl's?

Batman rushes off to investigate leaving Gordon and the Gothams to awkwardly stand around discussing how Batman isn't there anymore. But he's got their number, apparently, so I'm sure he'll call if he needs somebody who can fly or see through walls or thinking up really boring names for things.

The epilogue proves that Hugo Strange is behind the people doing bad things and then killing themselves. The real surprise is that standing behind Hugo who is behind the bad stuff is Amanda Waller and, presumably, General Lane. And they think they're the ones saving Gotham! So I guess that's the mystery! Who are the monsters?! The Gothams? Grundy and others? Strange? Waller? Batman's sticky penis?

Can I end on that? I can probably end on that, right?

Batman #1

I hope The White Rabbit survived Rebirth!

The Review!
I'm surprised David Finch didn't kill himself while drawing this comic book since it took twenty pages before he was allowed to draw a female. He must have been so bored! Plus Tom King didn't write any double splash pages for him! How is David Finch supposed to earn extra money selling the double splash page original art if Tom King is going to be a dick about his scripts? Bah, what do I care about David Finch not getting to do a double splash page. I'm ecstatic about that! Way to show Finch whose boss, King! Speaking of King, he dunked this issue, if you'll forgive the cop/doughnut metaphor. It was the perfect Batman story! It had Batman in it and he disappeared on Commissioner Gordon and he saved the day and he gave Alfred heart palpitations by almost dying and he made his sidekick do word problems. Plus no Narration Boxes! I might have a serious crush on Tom King. But don't think I'm biased because of it! If this were a terrible issue, I would say so! Usually even if a comic book is really good I'll say it's terrible because I'm a monster. But this one really isn't terrible at all. It's the best Batman #1 since Snyder's Batman #1! It's also only the second Batman #1 I've ever read so that previous sentence might not really mean anything.

The Commentary!
Batman is now being written by Tom King so it's really going to frustrate the people whose favorite part of Batman books are the First Person Narration Boxes. That's my least favorite part of modern comic books! I much prefer the story be told through dialogue and art. But then I'm not afraid of ambiguity! I don't need Batman to tell me why he's doing everything he's doing while he's doing it. Or from a point in the future looking back on what he was doing in the present and explaining it to a mysterious third person. That's my main problem with First Person Narration Boxes. They act as omniscient narrators but are tethered to a person in the story who shouldn't be explaining things as if that person knows an audience is watching them. Although that's really dependent on the writer, I suppose. Some writers use Narration Boxes as thought bubbles which work fine in that they don't make me wonder, "Why is Roy Harper explaining his own thoughts to himself?" And then some writers use them to have characters explain their thoughts and actions to the audience they somehow know is reading their story which come off as Roy Harper explaining his own thoughts to himself.

Oh! I just had a thought about Narration Boxes and how Tom King doesn't use them. Can you imagine how different Omega Men would have been if we were allowed inside the heads of any of the major characters? It would have wrecked the entire fucking book! That book relied on the reader projecting their ethics and beliefs onto the characters, both the seemingly good ones and the seemingly bad ones. Narration Boxes from the point of view of any of the characters would have nailed down their feelings and motives and left no room for any moral ambiguity. The reader would have known right from the beginning both the selfish and the altruistic intentions of each character which could easily have left the reader not caring about how things ended or which terribly flawed person triumphed.

This issue is called "I am Gotham" because a character is going to be introduced who goes by the name of Gotham. This is clever in the way that somebody is clever but you don't realize how clever it is because nobody takes the time to think about anything. Mostly people see something like this and think, "Got it. A guy is named Gotham. Simple title." But Grandmaster Comic Book Readers who are in love with Tom King think things like, "I appreciate how Tom King is taking the reader right back to the beginning of Snyder's run where Bruce explains what Gotham is. King is taking what Snyder did on a figurative level in making Gotham a major character of the comic book and doing it literally. While Snyder's Batman battled Gotham on a psychological level where he was constantly feeling betrayed and reduced by the city, King is now going to have Batman battle Gotham on a physical level. And yet within those physical confrontations will be the understanding that the battle is inherently figurative too! And all of that will be up to the reader to interpret because King abstains from using the crutch of narration boxes."

I didn't actually think those things! What I really thought was, "Der! Gotham is real person now! Wowzers!" That other stuff was just random bullshit.

The story begins with a plane being shot out of the sky with a rocket launcher stolen from the military. This isn't a job for Batman at all but he rushes off to figure out how to save the day. I would think the way to save the day is to call Superman immediately even if Commissioner Gordon is standing right beside you and now knows you sometimes ask for help.

Well, at least he made the call, even if he had to waste some time getting out of earshot of Gordon before asking for help.

Knowing that Hal and Clark don't always respond immediately because they're sometimes dealing with their own problems that are usually more important than the few hundred people who are certainly about to die in Gotham whenever Batman calls, Batman asks Duke to find a place in Gotham where Batman can jump his Batmobile onto the plane. Or some other stunt of that sort. This is the second job we've seen Duke perform in his role as Batman's sidekick and it's another math problem. Before he had to count to 240. This one is a little more complicated, what with having to figure out timing and speed and angles and trajectories and all that other stuff that I would have assumed the Batcomputer could do better.

Superman and Green Lantern are busy on the toilet or whatever so Batman has to save Gotham himself. That means ejecting out of the Batmobile and onto a crashing plane. Does he have a Bat-Grapple strong enough to save a plane plummeting to the earth?

When is Gotham going to save the day and make Batman feel useless and impotent and short-dicked?

Batman swings about the plane setting up Bat-rockets and Bat-gadgets to take over control of the plane. Then he sits on top of it ready to steer it through the Gotham skyline like Doctor Strangelove playing Grand Theft Auto.

Alfred, this is no time for one of your droll bon mots. Although that was a really good one.

Watching Batman save the day is a dark figure who has just killed the Kobra agent who shot the rocket at the plane. Unless this person killed the Kobra agent and then used the Kobra agent's rocket to shoot down the plane himself. I don't want to make too many assumptions because when you make assumptions, you might wind up being wrong. I mean the "you" literally. I don't mean it as in "you and I and everybody included." I mean you specifically. Me? I can't make all the assumptions I want because I always just deny having made the wrong ones.

Batman is prepared to die steering the plane into the proper angle so that it affords the people on board the best chance of survival. He says his goodbyes to Alfred and Alfred goes along with it like he always does. I don't think it's ever mentioned but Alfred must have serious heart problems, shot nerves, and a billion ulcers, right?

At the last second, two other superheroes arrive to catch the plane so that Batman doesn't have to die. Which is perfect because he gets to live but with his reputation increased all the more! What a true hero! Willing to sacrifice himself for the greater good! I'm fairly certain Bruce was willing to ride the plane to his death mostly just to shove in Clark's face who the most heroic member of the Justice League actually is. That would be a good death.

The heroes who save Batman (but not the people on the plane because they were already fucking saved! They better not get credit for that!) are Gotham and Gotham Girl. They're here to save the city! The issue ends before Batman can tell them that that job is already taken and it's probably going to be weird saving some place like Sacramento or Omaha while named Gotham. But thems the breaks! Those cities need heroes so and Omaha has some of the same letters as Gotham. That should be an easy name change. Although the costume already has a huge "G" on the front, so maybe they can become Green Bay and Green Bay Girl instead.