Convergence: Justice Society of America #2

Judging by the first half of the picture I drew on my old laptop (the right side!), you'd never guess that I'm finding it really difficult to draw with my new laptop's touchpad.

This morning I had a dream that I wrote a pilot for a Vixen television show for the CW. The cold open had Vixen tailing some presumable evildoer for unknown reasons. She realizes she needs to get closer and thus she needs to move more silently, so she takes on the power of a cat. But this version of Vixen borrows the powers of not just any cat but of the cat nearest her location, so she, unknowingly, grabs up the powers of an alley cat in heat. Also, this Vixen, for added television humorous entanglements, cannot just readily switch from power to power either. So she's following this guy silently but getting more and more horny as she goes. Eventually, she's so distracted, she rounds a corner, runs into the guy, and just starts kissing him. Cut to another scene where they're fucking. The camera pans around until it rests on Vixen's beautiful, dark-skinned face with a look of annoyed frustration instead of passion.

That was it. The scene could probably use a major rewrite but my dream brain doesn't have an editor. Although my brain editor would probably just channel Judd Winick and point out that she should say, "Not again!" Ha ha! Again! Always funny! Right, Judd?

Last issue, the old guys in the Justice Society of America became the young guys in the Justice Society of America. The women of Justice Society of America were probably in the kitchen. That wasn't my sexist statement! That's their sexism showing because they're old! They have old values! Also, how many women were even in this group? According to the one shot of the full team in last issue, I think there was one: Wonder Woman. Maybe the guys in the group thought she was "Oneder Woman" and figured she'd be outraged if they accepted a second woman onto the team.

Also, they were attacked by a robot of Qward because that's super not interesting at all. That makes it a lot more like a Golden Age Comic Book!

The issue is narrated by Doctor Fate. He keeps reminding the reader that the Justice Society are old men that aren't used to fighting in youthful bodies full of testosterone and vim and vigor and feelings of lust and boners and thoughts of just enough butt play to make the orgasm really intense. Those thoughts and feelings can really be distracting in battle especially after spending the last year just hoping when you go to the bathroom to urinate, you're able to actually get the flow going. I'm surprised that their battle repartee isn't all based around old episodes of Perry Mason and Murder She Wrote.

These guys are depressing the shit out of me. Being old must suck!

Of course this is only Dan Abnett's version of old people and he's only about fifty years old. So this is probably just him projecting his fears onto the Justice Society. I bet being old is equal parts liberating and terrifying! I bet super old people in their nineties or older think about death 95% of their waking lives. Kent Nelson's coma was probably a relief compared to what the other guys were going through.

I think Jay Garrick mentioned that last issue! I should think up my own thoughts!

The Justice Society revel in the feeling of being a hero. For once in their lives, they are not taking the power and the responsibility for granted. Unlike those young punks who don't know how good they've got it!

I heard "Jack and Diane" on the radio last week and it made me angry! That fucking lyric about holding on to fifteen as long as you can is bullshit! I get as an older person the fervent nostalgia for being in that youthful place but what kind of ridiculous advice is it to hang on to something over which you have no control! I guess Mellencamp just means it philosophically! Don't yearn for grown up things when you're that young because you'll be dealing with them soon enough and you'll wish you were young and irresponsible and glorious all over again. But even that makes me angry! Stupid time! Fuck you!

I hate this comic book! I'm throwing it away now! Here are some pictures from the rest of it. Try to figure out the story yourself! I'm too busy crying to type!

I don't know if they're planning battle strategy or they've called in a hooker.

They continue to battle the Qwardian Deathbot or fuck the hooker. I'm still not sure which they're doing because the only thing currently swimming before my eyes is the deep, dark blackness of non-existence.

Still not sure if it's a hooker or a Deathbot.

And then it's over.

I really hope they're talking about a Deathbot.

After the battle, the Justice Society return to old men. Their time is over and they go back to reminiscing about the good old days and pointing out how Infinity Inc. isn't doing super-heroing the way it's supposed to be done. Because back in their day...!

Convergence: Justice Society of America #2 Rating: Nine Colonoscopies out of Ten. This was, pure and simple, a love letter to the Justice Society, and to super heroes, and to savoring life. It was sweet. I hate sweet! I much prefer sour!

Divergence: Superman Loves Wonder Woman
"The epic new storyline 'TRUTH' continues! As the pressure mounts, a relationship is tested!"

I bet this comic book will now be twenty pages of Wonder Woman saying things like, "Why do you care so much about what Lois did?" And Superman saying, "It was my choice! She took it away! I hate her!" And Wonder Woman going, "I think you love her!" And Superman going, "If I love her so much, why don't I marry her?!" And Wonder Woman rejoindering, "Why don't you then?!" And Superman matter of facting, "I will!" And Wonder Woman screaming, "So do it!" And Superman replying, "I will! I'm going! Right now!" Then the title will be changed to Superman Is An Idiot.

Superman is still having trouble with every DNA scanning security device not recognizing him as Superman. He's also bleeding to death. So he's stealing a shuttle to fly out to the sun for a little spa retreat. Wonder Woman follows him because she's following her heart more than her brain.

Good one, Diana. Just follow him to your death. No big deal!

Was I supposed to read all of these "TRUTH" Sneak Peeks in a particular order? Because I'm completely confused by them. I should probably look them up and read them online so I understand what's going on before I begin reading June's comic books.

Hey! How can he be pushing a jump-light prototype shuttle too hard? It's supposed to jump to light speed! How do you push that too hard?!

The Sneak Peek ends with Superman telling Wonder Woman that he doesn't love her anymore. Classic ploy to push somebody away because you don't think they can deal with the shit you're dealing with! I hope Clark pushes Diana into Lex's arms!

I don't know what's going on with Tomasi on this book. I loved his Batman and Robin but he's been kind of crap on this title. Hopefully he'll turn it around and make this whole Superman losing his powers and his identity shit interesting.

Convergence: Justice League #2

That's not a sea cucumber! It's a space station!

I have an issue with the way men are being portrayed in Convergence. In Convergence: Superman, El, the Flashpoint version of Superman, was in love with Lois Lane. So when he finds out that another woman who isn't the woman he was in love with but looks just like her exists, he kidnaps her because he loves her. Lois rejects him because she's in love with the Clark Kent she knows, not every person in the multiverse that looks like Clark Kent. In Convergence: Justice League, Flashpoint Aquaman notices another woman that looks like his dead Mera, so he kidnaps her because obviously men only love a woman for their looks. Who cares about her personality?! Mera rejects him like a normal person would reject somebody that steals you and immediately begins acting like they're your intimate partner of many years, even if they look exactly like the intimate partner you've had for many years.

I suppose women fall in love with the entire person and men only fall in love with the image of a person, right DC Comics?!

Oh wait. When I state it like that, it totally makes sense! You're right! Men are just shallow douchebags who aren't in touch with their feelings because they're so in touch with their cocks and where they're going to stick they're cocks. And when a man sees a place where he was allowed to stick his cock for years and years, he just figures he can go right back to sticking his cock in that place. Now that DC Comics helped me realize this, I'm now going to be unnerved by every movie and television show I watch with a male lead (which, let's face it, is pretty much all of them).

I'm sure my reading of the previously mentioned comics could be kinder but since one was written by Dan Jurgens who is a robot created in the Eighties with no input devices and no way to retrieve new, non-1980s information and the other was written by Frank Tieri who seems to get pulled off the bench by DC Comics to pinch write shitty comics for even shittier writers that have ruined the title they've been working on, I don't think they deserve the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of television shows with male leads, I have no really cogent thoughts about the finale of Mad Men but I did want to comment on it. So if you haven't seen the finale (or the show at all), just skip to the first scanned picture where the real Convergence: Justice League #2 will begin. No, seriously. Just skip the rest of this. I don't want to be the one to spoil anything about one of the greatest television experiences of the decade.

So after watching the finale on Tuesday, I made a few comments to the Non-Certified Spouse, walked into the bathroom, shut the door, put the lid down on the toilet, sat down, and fucking bawled. Being that I'm apparently written like a male character in DC Comics, I'm not quite sure what affected me to that degree. I believe (but am still not entirely sure) that it was the moment in which the plain guy tells his story about being an item in a refrigerator which touches Don who then gets up to hug him. I wasn't touched simply because of the scene and the way it was played. I was touched because the man was symbolically Matthew Weiner speaking directly to his character, Don Draper. He was saying goodbye to him while also speaking the words that he couldn't put into Don Draper's mouth because Don would never say them. They were Matthew's insecurities and fears which meant they were also instilled into Don. It was a redemptive moment for both Don and Matthew and it may have been the most brilliant version of the writer putting himself into a show that I've seen. That was what broke me. Although it's possible that I was more emotionally attached to that Coke commercial than I previously believed.

Shall we discuss the Coke commercial ending? And by we, I mean me, and by discuss, I mean monologue? I'm a cynical person. I'm not cynical to the point of deconstructing everything simply because I like watching buildings blow up helter-skelter. I believe that, just like blowing up a building, deconstructing a work takes care, experience, and intelligence if you don't want to hurt a lot of people in the process. Anybody can stick dynamite on a building and destroy it. Not everyone can bring it down safely and elegantly. The internet is full of Crazy Harrys running into a fandom and pushing the plunger on their detonator. Anybody can find any flaw they're looking for in any work of art when they're projecting their own issues onto everything they encounter. So I'm cynical but I don't want to be; I just feel it's necessary. Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Some people would say, "Just believe" (and one once did at the Portland Brewfest one year when I was wearing my "I want to believe" t-shirt). But that's the point of the shirt. Some people want to believe but they want the truth more than they want to fulfill their own fantastic desires. So when the Coke commercial came on at the end of Mad Men, I had to ask the question: were we seeing an actual, life-changing moment for Don Draper where he's come to a more enlightened, comfortable place, or was this just the same old Don Draper going full tilt until the idea for the commercial grabbed him by the throat and he knew he had the pitch? Was this a cynical ending or a romantic one? Did he go back to McCann a new man, transformed and with a new understanding of what people really need, wanting to bring the communal, enlightened vision he had to the world? Or did he go back to shoot a commercial co-opting the peace, love, and spirituality movement he experienced while in California simply to sell soda pop? Remember, it's all about the work! Everything is about the work!

I know what I believe. Matthew Weiner wrote a television series for seven years simply to say this: "That fucking Coke commercial was bullshit propaganda and you all fell for it, suckers! These are the people that created it! Here are your 'Teach the World to Sing' gurus, bitches! The moment your movement was sanitized to sell Coke, it was over. You fucking lost, hippies! Culture is grist for the advertising world and what matters to you now will soon be used to sell you bullshit crap nobody needs. Enjoy life! Enjoy Coke! Smile!"

What works every time? Distracting military submarines with your boobs and butt so that they blow each other up?

The Justice League is currently battling Flashpoint Atlanteans off the coast of Gotham because their friend Mera was kidnapped by Flashpoint Aquaman. I explained why earlier: it's because he used to put his cock in a Mera-shaped person, so why wouldn't this person shaped like his previous cock-receptacle not want to be the new Aquaman cock-receptacle?

Now that Jesse Quick has taken out the Atlantean warships, the Justice League has to battle an army of sea turtles and underwater men with spears. I don't know what the Vegas odds are but please put all of my money on the speedster, Kryptonian, green light spectrum wielder, and magic woman. Although I have heard that slow and steady wins the race? Hmm.

Is it just me being sexist or does the "witty banter" by this group of friends just sound catty and mean? See how I used "catty" there? That indicates there is a high probability that I'm being sexist! And let's face it: a lot of that old Blue and Gold banter Giffen and DeMatteis used to write? It was fucking mean-spirited shit that rarely came across as fun loving shenanigans! How did Ted and Michael stay friends for so long?!

Of course Supergirl wants to punch Aquaman in the face! That's Supergirl's go-to greeting! And besides, who wouldn't want to punch Aquaman in the face?!

Mera sulks in captivity trying to convince Flashpoint Vulko that Aquaman is a kidnapper and will probably soon be a rapist and that maybe he should do something about preventing that from happening? What is wrong with Mera? She should have her hands around Vulko's throat and squeezing the life out of him while she drowns the Atlantean Guards with their own saliva! Where's the Mera I know from The New 52? She's smarter, more powerful, and has a better ass than all of the Atlanteans put together! Was that sexist? I did throw in the "smarter" thing!

Outside of Aquaman's undersea headquarters, Jade battles with Ocean Master. She's surprised, after knocking off his helmet, to find that it's not Aquaman at all. Jade needs to spend more time boning up on her super villain flash cards. I suppose Ocean Master isn't an opponent anybody except Aquaman ever faces off against so I can't blame Jade for not recognizing him. And she truly doesn't. She just notices he's not Aquaman and says, "You're not Aquaman. You're..." and then she can't come up with his name. So he has to say, "Ocean Master!" Poor guy must feel like a loser right about now. I mean more than usual.

Vixen infiltrates Aquaman's Wifely Prison by using the powers of whatever sea creature allows her to sneak aboard, steal a uniform, and find her way to Mera in an unfamiliar place. A cuttlefish, maybe? But it doesn't matter because while she's wasting time hugging Mera, Aquaman sneaks up behind her and knocks her unconscious.

Or maybe she's just knocked down because after a brief break in the scene to show Supergirl, Zatanna, and Jesse trading barbs and battling lobsters, Vixen channels the power of an electric eel and zaps the fuck out of Aquaman.

Who...? Oh! I get it! He's being a rhetorical smartass!

I bet Vixen just stops channeling sea creatures and kicks him in the balls simply by channeling girl power!

No, that would be too empowering. Instead Aquaman makes her pick up a gun and shoot herself in the face. She's not dead but apparently she's going to be disfigured in some way. Hopefully an animal exists that can cure scar tissue or Vixen's modeling career is headed down a new and exciting path for a veil company.

That wasn't a comment about me saying she can't be a model with a horrible scar stretching across her face and one eyeball hanging out! That was me commenting on the state of the modeling industry and how they would never allow her back! It was a dig at big business and the Patriarchy! I would totally jerk off to a model with a scar on her face and an eyeball hanging out of her head! I'm not sexist!

Mera, still all meek and non-violent, submits to Aquaman's authority when he shows her that his men have caught Jesse Quick and Zatanna and Jade and Supergirl's cape.

Whoops! I guess the cape wasn't enough!

After Supergirl crashes through the window, water doesn't come rushing in. I guess that means the interior of the headquarters is also filled with water. Maybe that's why Vixen couldn't stop channeling sea creatures. Although she had to hold her breath while she was channeling dolphins and whales. Hopefully she can still channel whatever she was channeling while unconscious and bleeding out of her face. Still, none of that explains why Jesse Quick was taken into captivity without her Infinite Oxygen Forever Facemask (probably courtesy of Waynetech).

Supergirl beats the shit out of Aquaman until he activates his Kryptonite Trident. But Mera stops him before he stabs Supergirl with it. She stops him by pressing her boobs against his chest and calling him "my love" and kissing him right on his filthy fish lips. Because that's where Mera's power lies! It was hidden all this time underneath her clothing! Using her Super Hot Body Superpower, she gets close to the idiot man who has no brain and thinks only about things his cock will fit inside of. And then she stabs him!

After stabbing him, Mera and Supergirl and Vixen swim out of Aquaman's headquarters unmolested. I guess Vixen is pretty much okay? Just a slight graze wound across a cheek or something? Her face is never shown again after she was forced by Aquaman to shoot herself in it. Aquaman is just left to bleed out on his throne. I guess once a king is stabbed in the stomach, everybody he commands instantly stops respecting all of his orders and they simply disappear. And I guess Mera is playing by Batman's Rules of Killing here. Mera may have stabbed Flashpoint Aquaman and walked away knowing that he was dying but it's not her fault if he is eaten by sharks, right? And it's his fault for not having a royal surgeon on hand. Or knowing how to sew up his own wounds.

Convergence: Justice League #2 Rating: This issue wasn't good. It was as not good as the first issue. But it was the first issue to actually fulfill the Convergence Contract! The Justice League was told they would battle somebody to the death and that's what they did! Although I doubt even Flashpoint Aquaman is going to die here. Although if the Big Convergence Change (that's what I'll be calling the twist ending that changes up these old universes in a new way which seems to be happening in every one of these Convergence Minis) was that Mari now has a scar on her face, I'm big time disappointed. I said BIG TIME! That's no marriage or baby or resurrected child or redeemed Two-face! It's hardly a blip at all on the Change Radar! And it's also sexist bullshit! Probably! I think it's always safe for me to call something sexist bullshit!

Divergence: Detective Comics
"Following the events of 'Endgame,' get ready to ride with the GCPD in a whole new city -- inhabited by a whole new Batman!"

Oh boy! A whole new Batman! That's just what the fans have not been demanding! I can't wait.

The Sneak Peek begins with Harvey talking to a shadowy figure putting on some crazy armor. One of the things I was hoping Manapul and Buccellato would do was to continue to concentrate on Harvey Bullock in Detective Comics. He's a detective, right?! And a great character if you're into fat guys that smoke and eat a lot and wear hats! Also he's got the kind of personality that can really carry a comic book titled Detective Comics. I'm so pro-Harvey Bullock that I have a really gay boner right now.

Yip is still his partner but there's a new character in town that has yet to be seen in The New 52 (I think!): Renee Montoya! She's back and she's coming between Yip and Harvey like a sexy thing that comes! Now I'm picturing naked, anthropomorphic foxes with huge boners for some reason. Thanks a lot, Deviant Art! You've ruined the sexy part of my brain!

The van the three of them are riding in has a big bat symbol on the front. They're chasing a giant of some kind when it tries to smash them with a fist. The van flips end over end but is caught by an armored Batman. I guess the GCPD now has a Bat Division!

What the fuck. What the fuckity fucking fuck did I just read? Fucking Manapul. Fucking Buccellato. Holy shit. Detective Comics is going to be fucked up and possibly quite awesome.

Um, anyway, after the van flips, Yip is trapped in the back. Renee begins interrogating her with her gun out trying to get her to name names. But Harvey pulls her away and lights the fucking gas pooling around the van, blowing his partner (and only potential romantic interest ever) into smithereens. Maybe. Probably. Shit. Jesus Christ.

And if you don't feel shocked and freaked out enough, there's a panel with a crying pigeon that's also on fire. I think that needs to be my new header.

And then the last page is the start of this fucked up travesty. I mean that in a super good way.

I don't know who big armored Jim Batman actually is.

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1

Hey DC! Aspiring comic book cover artist here!

For those of you who don't know who the Justice Society of America are (or is?), you should probably ask the internet about them because my explanation will involve, as my stupid editor pointed out, "a lot of ageist bullshit." Because they're fogies!

Speaking of old things that don't matter anymore, whatever happened to outie belly buttons?! Do those things still exist or have doctors stopped trying to yank the umbilical cord out of the baby until the baby's guts are practically hanging out and then, forever after, whenever the baby that isn't a baby anymore takes off its shirt, people begin puking their guts all over the place? I suppose the only reason I never see them anymore is because grown up life isn't like an elementary school playground where people run around lifting their shirts up all the time. Well, most grown up life isn't like that. Maybe outie belly buttons become innies as a person grows up and can afford plastic surgery?

Now my editor is saying that I can't judge outie belly buttons because it's a medical disfigurement due to blah blah blah blah! You're fired, editor! How did you like reading that, hanh?! I bet if you weren't fired, you'd be telling me I can't tell you you're fired! But you are! So there!

Whenever somebody online calls somebody else "gross," I always picture that person as an outie belly button.

Doctor Fate looks pretty cool from the waist up. But what's up with the nappies? Is Nabu not potty trained?

Jay Garrick's pants are pretty tight. You know who else had tight pants? Jack Tripper. Because of Three's Company, I can perfectly picture Clifford's cock in my mind's eye.

That opening page was five hours after the comic book starts. When the comic book begins, Jay Garrick is an old man and Alan Scott is a radio DJ. I don't know who I feel worse for.

Jay has come to the hospital to visit Kent Nelson who is also old but he's in a coma. I'm envious of Kent Nelson! I wish I were in a coma! What an easy life!

I guess Kent's helmet doesn't work under the dome. I bet he was wearing it when the dome fell and that's why he's now in a coma. Or it could just be because he's so old. He looks to be about a hundred and two.

See?! Jay gets it!

Jay leaves Kent and heads off to climb up a fire escape to a roof where Hector and Carter Hall (Silver Scarab and Hawkman!) are having a boring conversation about the dome. It's mostly boring because the art is just shots of an old guy and a young guy standing around potting plants. Once Jay makes it up the fire escape, Hector takes off so the old guys don't have to look at his young, well-muscled, probably thick cocked body and pine for the good old days when they still had some good old days ahead of them. The old fellas head inside to drink some tea and speculate as to the sexuality of Alan Scott.

Eventually they get a phone call from Alan Scott saying that Kent Nelson has opened his eyes. They all head down to the hospital to be together when Planet Brainiac calls them to the carpet. Is that the right saying?! I wish I had an editor!

Writing on the internet is tricky. I want that last paragraph to remain as it is but it really makes no sense if I'm on the internet and I can actually check to see that the statement isn't right for the situation. I leave myself open for the "Let me Google that for you" crowd to call me out on the carpet. Jerks.

Before the speech even finishes, a Qwardian Robocop comes flying into the city to bust it up. I guess since these are boring old guys, they need to fight a boring old Qwardian robot. Speaking of old guys, weren't there any women in the Justice Society of America? Hawkwoman? Wonder Woman? Um. Some other one?

Stupid magic. Who needs it if it has such high costs?! I thought magic was supposed to be easy and free. Stupid comic book rules.

They all agree because being old men sucks.

Convergence: Justice Society of America #1 Rating: No wonder comic book companies think that kids don't want to read about adult superheroes. I'm an adult and I don't want to read about old men superheroes! Which is weird because when I was a little kid, old men were my favorite people in the world! I guess I'd still find old men as interesting and fascinating as I did back then except that they now remind me of my mortality. When an old person talks to me, I just hear, "Blah blah blah empty expanse of non-existence blah blah blah." Jerks! Take your hard candy and stop threatening me with eternal doom by your mere presence alone! Other than being slightly boring and existentially threatening, this issue was decent.

Convergence: Justice League #1

How many vile jellies do you think Mera's crown has put out?

Sorry for getting all high and mighty in my cover caption with the Shakespeare reference but it's the only line of Shakespeare that I can quote! "Out vile jelly!" Man, makes me laugh every time! King Lear was his best comedy. Daughter named after an STD, a comedian that pisses everybody off with his jokes, eyes getting gouged out and ground under foot, an old man ranting about blow jobs. Hilarious!

I finally decided to pull myself away from watching Daredevil so I wouldn't completely disappoint myself by having no more Daredevil to watch. Pretty fucking good show, right? I'll always appreciate Arrow for getting this new wave of doing super hero television shows right but boy does it suck lately. Daredevil is pretty much The Wire to Arrow's Saved by the Bell. The Flash is still the best though simply because it has actual super-powered super heroes in it. Although if Iris West is going to start pulling that "I hate you forever because you didn't tell me the truth" Arrow crap, I'm going to punch her in the throat. In my imagination, of course! I would never actually hit a woman. I only fantasize about hitting women! That's not sexist or misogynistic or violent! It's a kink! And you can't shame me for my kinks, you jerk!

Anyway, look at all the women I could punch in the throat on the cover of Convergence: Justice League! Mmmm.

The fight card for this issue on the inside front cover is the same as every other inside front cover. That's making me suspect that every issue of Convergence that came out the first week is going to highlight that battle. Because why would the Justice League be living in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham? It makes no sense unless they were visiting Batman when the city was taken. Next on my stack is Nightwing/Oracle which will definitely take place in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham. Then Speed Force which, seriously, had better take place somewhere else like Coast City or Star City or something more appropriate! And then Superman so Metropolis of some sort, right? Then the Titans so that'll be New York! And then The Question which will be I have no idea! And finally The Atom which probably takes place in Batman's scrotum. Or Giganta's vagina.

The issue begins with Supergirl flying Jesse Quick to a hospital to have her baby. So forget that thing I said about the Speed Force not taking place here. I guess everybody just happened to be in fucking Gotham when the city was taken!

I guess everybody will have an excuse to be in Gotham. What was I thinking? Of course DC isn't going to waste extra money printing up different fight cards for the inside covers of every comic each week!

Seeing Jade reminds me that I still have the final issue of She-hulk to read! I'm falling so far behind on my non-commentary comic book reading!

While the ladies are at the hospital hoping for a speedy birth (ha ha!), Gotham City is transported to Telos! And under the dome, everybody loses their super powers. Is magic a super power? I'm willing to bet just about everything is a super power except Batarangs.

Jesse gives birth to a boy, Jade loses her green coloring, and then the story jumps ahead one year later.

Kara is now into violent pornography. Look at the size of that guy's wallet chain? Rowr!

Frank Tieri is writing this and he is not a good writer. He probably wants to prove his feminist loyalties so he's sticking in this scene to prove his feminist cred. I'm going to guess that this guy touched Kara while trying to hit on her and now she's teaching him an appropriate lesson. He'll know better next time he approaches a woman that the way she dresses doesn't mean he can put his hand directly into her vagina! I mean, if he can even remember this encounter after the severe concussion and possible skull fracture he's in the process of attaining.

See? Bad man! Inappropriate! Now die!

Don't get me wrong! I'm all for a woman kicking a guy's ass for grabbing hers. If a man is physically assaulted, he's probably going to react violently. Grabbing a woman's ass is a physical assault no matter how super amazing Supergirl's bum is. I'm not criticizing Supergirl's super violent reaction. I'm just not trusting Tieri's motive for writing this scene. It feels like he's assaulting me with his need to get some of his comic book panels trending on Tumblr!

Let's look at the rest of the scene and you tell me if Tieri should be writing these women.

Tieri is forcing me to hate half of these women and I'm only on page seven!

The bouncer is doing everything possible to ensure his establishment remains a safe place for the guests and Zatanna thinks she needs to threaten him? He's been nothing but accommodating and helpful in this scene and she's being a jerk. Then I suppose this is supposed to be friendly banter but it just sounds like they don't really like each other very much. At least they share a good laugh over the fact that Congorilla has to deal with Jess's baby's dirty diapers while he babysits so she can enjoy a night out with...um...friends, I guess?

I think the whole scene is ruined for me because Zatanna just looks sad or upset in every panel. Have you tried smiling, Zatanna?

Ow! Ow! OW! I'M SORRY, KARA! I WAS JUST JOKING!

At least the women express that they're having a good time unwinding on ladies' night. At least everybody except Mera. She looks even sadder than Zatanna! It's because Aquaman didn't happen to be in Gotham City when the city was taken. Which means he's dead. Ha ha!

"I told you you're going to have a good time and you're going to have a good time goddammit! Look at how much fun I'm having! Whee dee fucking dee!"

Look at how angry Zee looks in that middle panel on the right side of the page! It would be one thing if she were being drawn to match the tone of her joking and trying to cheer up a friend. But this feels like she's just chastising her for being fucking sad!

Did Gotham City not arrive on Telos with clothing stores? Why is Mera still wearing her Atlantean armor for a night out? Sure, it makes her ass look fantastic but it seems like an awkward choice. Also, does an Atlantean's strength count as a super power? I would think that she's still super strong since it's just part of her physiology.

Zatanna is interrupted by Planet Brainiac explaining the rules of Multiversal Thunderdome. Let's get ready to...no? I can't finish that without paying royalties? Sorry.

Meanwhile on the other side of the other Gotham, Flashpoint Aquaman watches Planet Brainiac explain the rules. Guess who's probably going to have to fight whom?! Let the fuckfight commence!

Mera is kidnapped by Arthur's people but Jade spots them even though Jess looked "everywhere." I bet she really just ran home to check on her baby, have a quickie with Congorilla, and return to shrug her shoulders and admit that Mera is probably dead.

The Atlantean spots a bunch of women in their clubbing outfits headed toward him so he does the only rational thing to do in that situation: blow his fucking conch shell to summon the mighty Kraken! Supergirl punches it and it flies out somewhere in the wastes of Telos. I hope it lands on another battle taking place in a future Convergence comic book. Frank Tieri is writing more than just this book. Hopefully he'll act like a real writer and land this Kraken in one of his other books since this is all happening simultaneously.

Meanwhile in Aquaman's throne room, Aquaman is all, "Hey! You look just like my old wife. We're practically married!" Then he kisses her and Mera punches him in the face because it was hard enough falling for one loser named Aquaman. You really think she's going to accept an even shittier version?

I'm not even going to bother wondering how Aquaman was in Pre-Flashpoint Gotham Harbor ready to attack the city because I'm sure I must be reading this incorrectly and it actually makes sense.

The final page shows all the crazy sea life and mermen that Aquaman is summoning with his powers. And it ends with this blurb: "Lionfish, Tiger Sharks, and Aquamen--oh my! There're plenty of fish in the sea--and next, our girls are practically fighting all of 'em! Join us as the JLA take on Aquaman and his seemingly limitless Aqua-army!"

What the fuck was that bullshit? First the rehashing of The Wizard of Oz quote which is practically the most boring thing that one could say whilst playing Monopoly. But then the whole patronizing "our girls" thing and comparing their fight to finding a boyfriend with the whole "plenty of fish in the sea" thing? Not to mention why the fuck did he even end the issue with this stupid blurb?! Maybe that's the way Pre-Flashpoint comic books always ended! By the way, when does Pre-Pre-Flashpoint begin? What's the event that begins the Pre-Flashpoint DC Universe? Do we go all the way back to Zero Hour for that?

Convergence: Justice League #1 Rating: I like the roster of this team but I can't say I like the way they've been handled. But I'm probably wrong. What the fuck do I know? I'm probably just looking for reasons to complain because Frank Tieri did long term damage to my psyche with his issues of Savage Hawkman and Grifter. Does anybody know how to purposefully repress memories?