The Terrifics #4

The killer squid is Plastic Man's fingers. I mean, ew, I hope it's his "fingers."

What does "the new age of heroes" mean? Shouldn't it read "Hey! We really are sorry about The New 52! And we know Rebirth didn't quite convince everybody that we're trying to apologize profusely for The New 52 so will this work? It's a new age of heroes! That means we at DC are recommitted to telling quality stories about heroes you don't give a shit about simply because Scott Snyder used them in that stupid Metal comic book. Not that we think it was stupid! Nobody at DC is rolling their eyes at this statement right now at all! We loved Metal! I mean, it was metal, right?! And 'metal' isn't a category of music that hasn't been relevant for thirty years, Scott! Everybody totally still thinks it's way cool and parents totally suck and jean jackets with 'Slayer' patches never went out of style! So, um, anyway, enjoy this comic book with that idiot Plastic Man in it! And if you think it's wacky that we've brought him back, just wait until you see who's a member of the new Justice League Dark: Detective Chimp! Dan DiDio may never have a boner again. And it's all for the fans!"

That might be a bit too much to put at the top of every new DC comic book. "The New Age of Heroes" probably works better.

If you haven't been reading this comic book, here's a quick summary: Phantom Girl's ass is succulent.

I just looked up the definition for "succulent" because I suspected I might be calling her ass a plant of some sort. But I used it as an adjective which is defined as "tender, juicy, and tasty." So, exactly the word I wanted!

Phantom Girl has a new diary in which she isn't writing secret sex stories about her hand's love affair with her vagina. Instead she's writing silly stuff like how she calls Metamorpho "Rexamorpho" because, I guess, that's cute or something? It makes it sound like she's too young for me to be salivating over her backside. What is Lemire trying to do here?! Make me feel uncomfortable about my lustful feelings for a fictional character?! As if I don't have enough reasons to hate myself. He could have at least allowed Phantom Girl to begin her diary entry with "According to Bgztl orbit around its sun, I'm only sixteen years old. But that's forty-five in Earth years! So a 45 year old Earth guy could totally eat my ass if he was into that even though I'm going to keep writing in this diary and acting like I'm sixteen. That might seem a little gross to certain people on Tumblr who don't know the definition of 'fictional' but what are older guys reading comic books supposed to jerk off to? Aunt May?! Get with the times, man!"

The Terrifics are on their way to Bgztl to learn how to pronounce it. While they're traveling there, I'm going to watch Drake's video, "I'm Upset," one more time. I'm just really disappointed that Caitlin wasn't in it (just in case you were wondering if I was actually into age appropriate women and their butts).

Tone down the sex talk, Phantom Girl! Geez!

The Terrifics decide that going on an original adventure would be too difficult so they decide to reenact the trash compactor scene from Star Wars. In this day and age, that's an acceptable plot because fans feel smart when they can make the connection between an original work and the thing plagiarizing that work. They call it a "reference" and it elevates a written piece from boring garbage to intelligent pop culture commentary!

Metamorpho brings up the fact that Mister Terrific always called himself the "third smartest person on Earth" and Mister Terrific begins to backpedal on that fact. He's all, "Third smartest?! Why, that's just hyperbole and facetiousness! I'm not really a terrible comic book reviewer that jerks off over young fictional super heroes! Sheesh! Can't you tell the difference between somebody just being entertaining and somebody who's an actual disgusting pervert?!"

The Terrifics bond a bit in the trash compactor while battling the trash squid. It's the perfect amount of letting the readers get to know the characters and letting them bond realistically so the team doesn't seem as forced as the premise that they'll blow up if they separate balanced with just enough action for the people who like to read comic books. After they escape, they arrive on Bgztl to discover that Phantom Girl was trapped in the Dark Multiverse for thirty-two years which means she's really older than I am and I'm totally allowed to think about putting my tongue in her ass. In your face, judgy judgers!

Rating: You know how I often read comic books and think, "Why am I still reading comic books?" Well this comic book didn't make me think that! It was well put together, had great art, and was an enjoyable read. And that's my praise before I even add in Phantom Girl's butt! It also had a sweet message in a saccharine kind of way that some of you emotional nitwits might enjoy.

Future Quest #6

The Quest Team about to be sucked into the Time Vagina's vortex.

This is probably he last issue of Future Quest I'm going to read. Not because I don't love Hanna-Barbera cartoons! It's just that I don't love most of the Hanna-Barbera cartoons that make up this comic book! Sure, the Herculoids were one of my favorites as a kid. But Birdfuckingman? Johnny Quest? The Impossibles? No thanks! Maybe if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt wind up in this issue, I'll reconsider adding it back to the pull list.

The human body is an incredible machine. Today, I farted, belched, and urinated all at the same time. And I have a mind capable of admiring that feat! At first I typed "burped" and "peed" but I figured I should probably smart it up a bit. I couldn't think of a good smart word for fart. I wish I had been spitting instead so I could have said expectorate!

This issue begins with the kid from the swamp who was deputized by Johnny Quest expressing glee after turning into a full grown man named Mightor with a saber-toothed cat as his sidekick. He also decides to nickname his saber-toothed cat friend "Snag" which means this must be Snagglepuss. I'll know for sure when I see which side of the panel he exits.

When I was about ten or twelve years old, I would have hated suddenly becoming a full grown man. It would have just made me feel even more awkward and uncomfortable than I already was. The transition from childhood to adult is supposed to be a long battle against puberty which every child eventually succumbs to through attrition and self-doubt. When they finally drag themselves into sixteen or seventeen, they just roll over and scream, "Enough already! ENOUGH! I accept it! I'm a stupid adult! Fine! Fuck everything!" Although maybe it would be better to just wake up one day and find you've easily slid into the transition overnight. Then you can just pop out of bed, run outside, and find somebody to fuck badly!

Another player in this story is Ug, the caveman. He speaks some kind of made up gobbledygook language that I can call gobbledygook because it's fictional. You can't call me disrespectful for that. It's why I only criticize comic books because anybody who screams at me for saying something they disagree with just looks like a petty asshole who takes their stupid comic books way too seriously. Ug is a fucking stupid caveman who sounds like his mouth is shitting when he speaks! There! I said it! He disgusts me!

I once had a growth spurt when somebody grabbed my club fossil! OH!

The kids know Mightor used to be Ty because he's the only black character in this comic book. I hope his introduction to the Quest team gives Hadji the confidence to start calling out all of the racist crap Dr. Quest and Race Bannon get up to. I'm fairly certain there as least one episode where Dr. Quest experiments on Hadji, and at least three episodes where Race Bannon said the N-word.

I'm glad I've forgotten all of the dinosaur names I knew as a kid because about 75% of those names probably aren't recognized by the scientific community anymore. Hell, when I was a kid, people still weren't sure what killed off the dinosaurs. One Dr. Larson thought maybe they died from smoke inhalation!

In the 70s, dinosaurs had names like Angry Sky Lizard, Terribly Fat Swamp Monster, and Long Necked Ducklodadopuss.

Mightor arrives with the unconscious body of Birdfuckingman and leaves him with Johnny Quest. Before he leaves, he says, "Told you Snag was a scrapper!" Oh, did you? When did you say that? In the time that doesn't exist where you hung out with Johnny and the others after transforming and before this moment? Fuck you, Ty. You're a fucking liar! You're worse than that guttermouthed Ug.

Meanwhile in another universe or timeline or reality, Space Ghost fights for his life against the evil monster whose name I've long forgotten. I do know it isn't Brak, unfortunately. Oh! It's Omnikron! I think that means "All of the weed." Space Ghost chases it through a Time Vagina, so he'll probably be on Earth soon too.

Race Bannon, master of anatomy!

Zin's dinosaur attack on the Quest's isn't proving sufficient to destroy them so he ties a bomb to a velociraptor and giggles maniacally. He might be the greatest evil scientist in the history of evil scientists!

Somehow, Birdfuckingman saves the kids from the velicoraptor bomb. He must have seen this trick before. Maybe Zin isn't as imaginative as I thought. I bet he pulls the old bomb on a dinosaur every time he needs to make a fast get away with a kidnapped scientist. Oh yeah, during the kerfuffle, Jade kidnapped Dr. Quest. Good. Dr. Quest probably made his career as a scientist thanks to Project Paperclip. He deserves whatever he gets.

That's the end of the Jonny Quest bit because the last half of the comic had to be used for something even more boring than a Jonny Quest story: The Impossibles! Also, I know I've been spelling "Jonny" wrong throughout this commentary but I'm too lazy to fix it. So if it was bothering you, you should realize that you might have a problem with being a know-it-all jerko and not some super chill awesome dude like somebody I know! Hint hint: it's me!

The Impossibles, who are giant Magic the Gathering playing nerd bro whinter babies, make a friend who is a girl. So, you know, they live up to their name! The end!

The Ranking!
You know what? I've always hated Jonny Quest. He's such a little prick. And his dog is an asshole too. I don't know why I even began reading this comic book. No wait! I do remember! Because the Herculoids were in it! But they're not in it enough for me to keep reading it. So I'm throwing you in the discard pile, Future Quest! Somebody let me know if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt ever turn up in this thing!

Future Quest #5

More old cartoon characters I don't remember! Where's Hong Kong Phooie?! Or Speed Buggy?! Or the Hair Bears?!

The Review!
When last we left our heroes--I mean, your heroes! They certainly aren't my heroes! Where the fuck is Blue Falcon?!--they had found themselves in some kind of Time Vagina. That's an actual scientific term! Look it up! No wait! Don't look it up! I'm going to name my first published novel Time Vagina!. Hmm, I wonder if I should use two exclamation points?

Luckily they met a caveman who seemed to be able to help them by leading them back to his cave where they could plan their next course of action. Although, what kind of plan can you really come up with when you've fallen into a Time Vagina? It's not like you have any control of your own life at that point!

And, let's face it, how much help are they going to get from a caveman who paints dinosaurs pulling trains on his home? Disgusting.

The painting on Ug's home is actually just his Mightor fanfiction. It's heavy on the homosexual dinosaur gang bangs.

The eight year old member of the heroic team translates the cave paintings for the group. Oh, come on! What does an eight year old know about homosexual dinosaur gang bangs?! I mean, aside from the names of all of the dinosaurs!

This Time Vagina has teeth!

After the eight year old kid deconstructs the ancient slash fanfic, he says, "My dad has been pulling fossils out of a tar pit for months--they take a long time to clear off." I've never heard anything so disgustingly filthy before! Sicko perv!

Nope. Wait. There we go. Hadji is even more disgusting. Unless that's me who is more disgusting because I read too much into that statement. Eh, tomato, tomato.

The Quest Team (which is, I suppose, what they're officially called since that's how FEAR refers to them) stumble upon a gang of FEAR thugs opening crates in a clearing. Of course, Race Bannon immediately opens fire on them. What a fucking dick! No warning shots or anything! They could just be camping, asshole! Or cosplayers! Luckily for Race, Jade X doesn't have the same kind of bloodthirsty murder monsters running through her veins, and she simply knocks him unconscious. Then she ass rapes him with her gun. Probably. That's totally off camera. Also, it's not really rape because she knows Race is into getting knocked out and then having a pistol shoved into his anus. They used to date.

Birdman is flying to their rescue as he screams into his wrist wrappings. He might be a little bit insane.

Suddenly, from out of the prehistoric jungle (aka the Time Vagina Bush), stampedes a host of dinosaurs! Also a Woolly Mammoth. I don't want anybody thinking I think a Woolly Mammoth is a dinosaur! I almost said "a host of prehistoric creatures but then I'd get criticism over that too. So instead, I have an awkward sentence just to keep Internet trolls off of my dick. The dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) are being mind-controlled by Doctor Zin! I guess he didn't trust Jade X to get the job done. Or maybe he did and he just sent the dinosaurs (and Mammoth!) in too early. I think they were meant to kill Jade so he wouldn't have to pay her. Perhaps this is the point where she switches teams! As a mercenary, that's her prerogative! Possibly. I know the best comic book mercenaries stake their entire reputation on getting every paid job done. But sometimes, the mercenary can flip flop jobs! So as long as Jonny Quest gives Jade a buck or two, she can probably switch sides without completely destroying her reputation.

As the battle rages around them, Jonny and the other kids begin looting FEAR's campsite.

Holy shit! Look at how angry Jonny is at this kid! "Fucking amateur! Go back to the Louisiana swamps, you dolt!"

I'd be annoyed if I were Jonny too! He's a professional kid adventurer and suddenly he's been teamed up with all of these nobodies. Just behind him, Jan is picking up an old skull and remarking, "I'm glad these aren't alive!" Meanwhile, a bunch of alive ones are tearing through the camp! Holy fuck. Now I'm getting annoyed! I hope Jonny snaps and murders some of these fools.

Maybe Jonny won't have to snap. It looks like FEAR can take care of a few pesky kids and their menagerie!

What saying is that? "Curiosity in children should be crushed and discouraged until they stop fucking annoying you with constant questions"?

The dumb kid who thought a tusk was the club touches the actual club and becomes the new Mightor. Plus the skull comes to life and becomes a raging sabretooth tiger sidekick. I hope it mauls Jan!

It totally makes sense that this new kid gets to be one of the old cartoon characters since all of the old cartoon characters were either white or racist stereotypes. No offense, Hadji!

That's the end of the main story! Next, the readers are introduced to The Impossibles! They learn one of them can control magnetic fields and one of them can turn into more of them and one of them can bounce around and one of them can become really moist. Then they fight a guy who wants to recruit them into FEAR. But they're already working with Deva, Birdfuckingman's manager! So, um, that's that! I guess!

The Ranking!
+1! This issue was either more entertaining than the last few or I found myself more entertaining writing about it. Either way, I had fun reading it! Or writing about it! Whatever!

Future Quest #4

"By the power of...oh wait! That's not a Hanna-Barbera cartoon!

The Review!
More characters are added to the story in this story about five billion characters. The most important character is Omnikron! He's the big all-powerful alien who has exploded all over Earth and across all time. So now the other four billion, nine hundred ninety nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred ninety nine characters are searching for the Bits of Omnikron. Some of those characters are the bad guys and some of them are the good guys! Some new characters introduced this issue who I'll totally forget about by next issue? Mightor! He's a famous caveman. Ug! He's a not as famous Neanderthal! Todd Messick! He's some kid or something. He's probably annoying. I get that feeling because he sees a dinosaur and totally knows it by name. Nerd. Then there's Kim Conroy who is into robots and artificial intelligence because she's Asian. Her son, Buzz, has a robot friend named Frankenstein Junior. Last of all but sexily not least, there's Jade X. I think she was already introduced in that story where she was trying to fuck Birdfuckingman but--as you can tell by his name--he wasn't all that into her. She's a bad guy who does freelance work for bad guys! But since she's freelance, that probably means she'll switch sides when she falls in love with somebody on the good side.

I get the feeling this comic book was written for people in their mid-fifties who are just enjoying every new character being introduced so they can get a huge hit of nostalgia and scream, "Oh shit! I remember that idiot!" I don't recognize a lot of these characters. I mean, Birdfuckingman, of course, because he was a lawyer with his own show for awhile. And I recognize Space Ghost because he had that talk show. And I recognize Jonny Quest even though I hate him. And I recognized the Herculoids because I loved that cartoon when I was a kid. But most of the others, I don't recognize or remember!

Not much happens here except for all that introducing I mentioned earlier that caused all of those older people's boners and lady lubrication, if any of them are still capable of that kind of good time. Who can tell?!

The Ranking!
No change! Four issues in and still no Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! Introducing those characters is about the only chance of me popping a boner and/or excreting lady lubrication! Mostly, this comic book has yet to give me any justification for why I'm paying $3.99 a month for it! I mean, Jonny Quest hasn't even died yet! Come on!

Future Quest #2

I don't mind Bleep or whatever the fuck Space Ghost's monkey's name is joining up with the Herculoids but fuck Jonny Quest's dog.

The Commentary!
• After I read Issue #1, I decided I wasn't going to keep reading this series. But I like all of the other Hanna-Barbera comic books and I really love the Herculoids and Jeff Parker isn't a hack writer, so why not give it another try, I figured! Actually, I didn't even put that much thought into it. I was just at a comic book store that wasn't my usual comic book store still looking for a copy of Batman Beyond #13 (for anybody wondering why I haven't had a Batman Beyond review in months, it's because I can't find that issue!) and saw they had all the Future Quest books I skipped earlier. So I picked them up and added them to my to-read stack which only ever seems to grow. Stupid comic books. Whose idea was it that comic books should come out every week?

• Even though The Herculoids was one of my favorite cartoons as a kid, I can't fucking remember the names of any of them. They're all fucked up jungle names like Tarzan and Zartan! The only ones I remember are Gloop and Gleep and I'm not even sure if those are actually the names of the Pseudo-Shmoos!

• Currently, the Herculoids and Space Ghost and some of his Space Buddies are battling Omnikron. I think this is a flashback because Omnikron is defeated and winds up in pieces. His pieces end up on Earth and some villain working for F.E.A.R. organization are trying to collect them to become all-powerful. Only then will F.E.A.R. be able to defeat the Quests.

• Omnikron creates a vortex which transports its essence to Earth. Space Ghost and most of the Herculoids and a bunch of Space Buddies all fall into the rift and are transported to Earth too. Now they're going to find themselves in a boring ass Jonny Quest cartoon.

• I can't believe how much I keep slagging off Jonny Quest when I barely even used to watch it! I'm totally ignorant when it comes to Jonny Quest and yet I can't stop assuming it was awful!

• Jan, Jace, and Blip (I had to look up the monkey's damn name. Bleep was pretty fucking close, right?!) crash on Earth while Space Ghost remains in some purgatory with Omnikron. Jonny and Haji (I just looked up his name too. It's Hadji! Pretty fucking close, right?!) rescue Jan and Blip but Jace is nowhere to be seen! I guess he was thrown from the space ship because he was too macho to wear his space seat belt. I'm sure it'll be important to the story later that he wasn't with the group. Probably because they're about to be captured by F.E.A.R.

• What does F.E.A.R. stand for? Fucking Erudite Asshole Racists? False Equivalencies Are Retarded (they're an evil organization! They might use the terrible R-slur! Blame them if that's wrong!)? Failures Establishing A Regime? Fear Establishing Aryan Radicals?

Oh! Who needs Jace to save the day when you have Race! And that obviously smelly Bandit.

• Birdman also flies in to help although he's instantly caught himself. Maybe he should stick to practicing law.

• The F.E.A.R. agents retreat with Jan and Jace's ship. On their way out of the swamp, they trip over an invisible and unconscious Jace lying face down in the mud. See?! Too manly to wear his seat belt! I'll be surprised if F.E.A.R. didn't just find themselves a corpse.

• The Quest team regroup because another vortex is about to open in Brazil. They need to beat Doctor Zin and F.E.A.R. to the location even though they have no idea why they're doing it. They just know that if Zin is interested in these vortexes, they can't be good. Too bad they don't realize Zin has teamed up with Jezebel Jade! I mean, I think that's probably bad. I don't know who she is. Maybe one of Race Bannon's ex-girlfriends he dumped horribly who never got over him and has dedicated her life to pure evil and destroying Race?

The Review
This series might still be a bit too earnest for my tastes. But then, maybe I need to read some more earnest stories? Maybe I need to read stories about good people doing good for the sake of good while also never swearing or acting lewd around cute women. Maybe it will do my cold, dead heart good to see how caring, competent people try to make the world a better place? Although, I don't want to overdo it! I'd better stick the other Future Quest issues further down in the stack so I don't overdose on sentimentality.

Ranking: +1. (Note this is a +1 with a period! That's not quite as good as a +1 with an exclamation point!)

Future Quest #1

How dare Jeff Parker pre-sign my copy of Future Quest without providing a certificate of authentication!

The Review or Whatever!
The Herculoids were one of my favorite cartoons as a child so I chose this cover. But if Blue Falcon and Dynomutt had been one of the choices, I would have picked up that issue. By the way, I hope Jeff Parker doesn't forget about Blue Falcon and Dynomutt! I'd rather see them than that little racist Jonny Quest, his imperialist father, and that bug-eyed dog!

I never actually watched much Jonny Quest so I'm probably projecting!

This comic book is the Laff-A-Lympics of Hanna Barbera's space and adventure cartoons. Unless Yogi's Great Space Race was that! No, that was just goofy characters from different cartoons in space. This is all the cool characters that weren't played goofy at all joining together to defeat Omnikron! Although Omnikron is kind of defeated in the opening scene, so it's really the characters coming together to defeat Dr. Zin of F.E.A.R. who is collecting pieces of Omnikron as they appear on Earth. To defeat this intergalactic menace, it's going to take the combined talents of Space Ghost, the Herculoids, Birdman, Race Bannon, and a couple of kids and their dog!

I was hoping to enjoy it more than I did but I think I'm of the generation where the only way I can enjoy the nostalgia of these characters is if they're presented in a modern cynical reworking of their personas! While reading this, I just kept thinking, "I should watch The Venture Bros. or Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law or Space Ghost Coast to Coast!" And now I'm just wondering why The Herculoids didn't get a re-imagining too! I don't think I'll be sticking with this one. I hope Wacky Raceland is more exciting!

Convergence: Shazam #2

Batman wins.

The art in this issue was very much the art of this issue. The writing was as writingesque as it could be. The colors...oh! The colors! So colorful! And if you like characterization, did this comic book have characters! You couldn't find a better value for your $3.99 than this comic book. Even if an escort offered you a hypo full of heroin, oral sex, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while promising you'd never have to work another day in your life, your $3.99 would be better spent on Convergence: Shazam #2!

I should probably read the comic book now. I'm pretty sure I nailed the review though. For those of you who came here to read a comic book review, you should leave now because I won't be doing any more reviewing in the following paragraphs. I probably will barely even write about the comic book. But I might call Jeff Parker's mother a whore. You never know! Let's see where the journey takes us, shall we?

While blimps attack Fawcett City, Captain Marvel heads over to Gaslight Gotham. That's kind of him! Now Batman won't have to travel to beat Cap's ass. Don't worry about those blimps I mentioned destroying the city! Mary Marvel and Freddy Marvel and the Bulletpeople have stayed behind to destroy them.

Gaslight Batman has better gadgets than regular old Batman.

Batman leads Captain Marvel into a trap where Cap is electrocuted. But electricity is like water off a convict's back to Captain Marvel! He survives which impresses Batman who isn't easily impressed. Just ask Alfred and Robin and especially Catwoman who sometimes does that thing with the handle of her whip which Batman hardly even reacts to even though his urethra really isn't any bigger than most peoples.

Batman and Captain Marvel decide to team up because they're smarter than most of the other heroes who only decided to team up after punching each other for three-quarters of the comic book. Batman and Billy head into the sewers for reasons that I don't want to go into because they'll bore you. But once they're in the sewers, they encounter Killer Croc the Urchin which is super exciting! Have your nipples been stiffened?

Captain Marvel discovers that his nemesis, Giant Vibrator Man, has aligned himself with Gaslight Gotham and all of its miscreants like Joker the Ripper and Clay-Thug and Penguin Sideburns and Debtor's-Prison-Face and Mr. Steampunk Freeze and The Scare-Dandy and Harley Sweep and Mistress Ivy and Ye Olde Man-Bat and The Riddler. Even with this many opponents, I don't think Captain Marvel needs to worry. Batman decides to beat up Penguin Sideburns because Batman is lazy and weak. Captain Marvel can probably handle the rest.

Except Captain Marvel just leaves them all to Batman while he rips into Mr. Atom to find the real enemy of everybody.

Poor Mr. Mind. Always the Caterpillar, never the bridesmaid.

And that's it! There's an earthquake and everybody wins. Or loses. Whatever.

Convergence: Shazam #2 Rating: Seven Georgia Sivanas out of Ten because when she transforms into a lightning child, my pants become a semen waterfall. I wish I was through with the Convergence books! They're all about seven-eighths the same story! Just five left!

Divergence: Constantine the Hellblazer
"Rogue mage, notorious philanderer and superhero-hater John Constantine has been in trouble before, but never so deep as when he's forced to investigate his own infernal history."

How can John be forced to investigate his own history? Why doesn't he just say, "Okay! Looked into it and nothing strange! Everything's on the up and up! Cor blimey, me biscuits are moist!"

The Sneak Peek shows a John Constantine doing the dirty work that nobody else will do. And not because he's trying to save the world or be some kind of mystic hero. He's just letting people's pasts catch up to them before they cause any more trouble. Which might be part of the reason he's going to get into trouble himself. Seems his past is about to catch up to him too. I'll be glad for a John Constantine that isn't in love. Jesus, New 52 Constantine was annoying.

Convergence: Shazam #1

Possibly not safe for work!

No matter how heavy a person you are, I commend you on not being fatter. I just ate two Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and I don't know why I'm not eating twenty more! They're so delicious! We should all be at least 100 pounds heavier than we all actually are. I applaud all of us for our willpower! People look at somebody like that guy that had to have a wall knocked out of his house to leave his bed and think there's something wrong with him. No fucking way. He just decided that he wasn't going to deny himself the pleasure of eating twenty Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in one sitting. What I don't get is how we aren't all like that guy!

I gained about twenty pounds after my cat and best friend of fifteen years Judas died which puts me at about thirty pounds over the weight at which I feel comfortable. I gained the weight because I just decided fuck everything. I was going to eat a full bag of Oreos whenever I wanted because nothing fucking mattered. The thing is: why don't I think like that when I'm not depressed? The other thing is: I think like that when I'm manic!

Some people don't get fat because they actually treat food as a need and not as a fulfillment of a desire or a luxury. I absolutely do not fucking understand those people. My cousin Jay used to stop eating delicious food while there was still plenty left because he was "full." What the fuck is this "full" feeling?! All I know is that there is more delicious food to put inside of my stomach!

Everybody pat yourself on the back and help yourself to your favorite snack because you are thinner than you probably should be! We all are! Food is so fucking good!

Shazam's Fawcett City is being matched up with the Gotham City of the Gaslight Universe. I never read that universe but I think it has steam and corsets and fog and dandies. The issue begins at the best place any of these issues can begin! Planet Brainiac's speech is just ending and Billy Batson is standing there looking at a domeless sky and hoping that when he says his magic word, he'll be a massively muscled magic man again!

Also this issue was written by Jeff Parker so it might be about Shazam denying food to the people of Gaslight Gotham.

For some reason, Fawcett City's dome removal has been delayed although they've heard Telos give the drill to other cities. So Billy and Mary and Uncle Dudley and Tawny and the other ones all have to wait to turn into Marvels. Although Bulletman and the infantalized Bullet"girl" still have their powers! Whatever they are! I guess putting a bullet shaped bucket on their heads and flying around like idiots? They must use some of that technology that isn't quite improbable enough to have been shut down by the dome.

I'm going to have a third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg now!

Mary and Billy are kept busy acting like Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys. They've got a mystery to solve and, by gum, they're going to solve it! Probably! Or maybe they'll just find a dark alley to kiss in and show each other their thingies! If I had been Billy's age and learned a magic word that turned me into a testosterone pumping man in a leotard, I wouldn't be able to fight crime ever! I'd just be walking around trying to hide my boner behind a math textbook and a Pee Chee folder!

Victim of Crime: "Help us, Captain Marvel! Help us!"
Me: "Umm...just a second! I'll be right...no, no. I have to, um, sit down in the corner for awhile."

Billy and Mary are following Uncle Dudley and Billy's boss Mister Morris because they've been acting strangely all year and now they've snuck off to do probably unspeakable things to each other. Unspeakable if you're a Christian, I mean! I'm from the Bay Area so whatever they're doing, I've probably seen it on television at least once while growing up.

I still haven't eaten my third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg yet! But I did go and grab it so I can stare longingly at it! I love you, Reese's Peanut Butter Egg.

Do you mean weird as in "my stomach feels warm and my labia seem to be swelling," Mary?

I scanned those two panels because I wanted to comment on young Mary's budding sexuality. But I also could have scanned the third panel as well and made some kind of young male prostitute joke about the orphaned Billy.

See? Jeff Parker, you cad!

I appreciate that Jeff Parker has really captured the tone of comics back in the old days. Every time you read one, it reads like a bunch of dirty pervs putting sexually coded messages into magazines they knew were being sold to young children who wouldn't understand the nasty shit they were reading.

This time it doesn't work out so well for Billy because he's scooped up by Mr. Atom! He's a gigantic dildo with arms and legs. He also grabs Mary in his fist and from the look on her face, she's not sure why she's feeling so tingly downstairs! I know, Mary! I know! It's the healthy healing power of vibrations!

"Onions, Billy! I feel like my head is going to blow off! In an extremely good way!"

Mr. Atom takes the kids (one of them is Freddy. Did I forget to mention Freddy joined up with the other two?) into the Monster Society of Evil's underground lair. There they find King Kull, the electrical engineer caveman, busy building something. Probably a bomb. It's always a bomb, isn't it?

Dudley enters with Mister Sterling Morris but it's not Uncle Dudley at all! It's...are you sitting down?!...Doctor Octopus's mind in Dudley's body! I mean Doctor Sivana! Oh no! It looks like the Marvels have finally met their match!

It isn't Dudley's real body. Sivana is just suffering from the curse of the dome in that whatever a person was shapechanged as when it fell, they remained in that guise. So Ibac has been stuck in the form of Sterling Morris for a year, and Sivana has been Dudley. Now they're throwing the kids in a cell with the real Dudley and Sterling just as Tawny the Tiger arrives to save them all!

As Tawny frees the kids, Mister Atom and King Kull enter to point out that the dome has fallen. And we all know what that means, right?

Captain Cheesecake! I mean Marvel!

The Marvels beat the crap, er, I mean tar out of the bad guys and bring the whole subway crashing down on everybody. When the dust clears, they look up into the sky to see a squadron of blimps attacking Fawcett City! It's the Gaslight Brigade!

Convergence: Shazam #1 Rating: Holy smoleys! What a terrific comic book! Jeff Parker nailed the tone! I love how this issue was a complete Billy Batson/Captain Marvel story where they investigate some strange occurrences, find the Monster Society of Evil at the heart of it, and subsequently defeat them handily. It's only after that tale is told that the Gaslight Blimps appear ready for part two. Fucking great job, Parker! And the art! Evan Shaner kicked my ass page after page and I just kept pleading for more! Loved this issue like a rented mule!

Why would anybody beat a rented mule? How cruel! I would love it and cherish it and feed it carrots while kissing it lots and lots!

Also, after having read it, I really feel awful about the inappropriate drawings I made beside Cap's head! Whoops!