Blue Beetle #8

The real Blue Beetle is back! Fuck Dan Garrett. Nobody even remembers how to spell his last name.

The Review!
How must Ted Kord feel seeing Booster Gold move on to be some kind of super important gear in the DC Continuity machine while he must remain a joke who was dismissed by nearly everybody after dying as a real hero? He was the more competent half of the Blue and Gold franchise and yet he was killed by the bullies in charge, probably because he was fat. Those jerks in charge tried to make the fit, blond ex-quarterback the real hero because they're all still nursing their high school boners aching to be stroked by the popular kids. I bet they had a meeting where they all agreed that nobody could possibly like the fat one based on a boring Charlton character and that he was just holding back the super cool one that the robot, Dan Jurgens, had created. So while Booster Gold was able to go on and fuck up DC Continuity just as well as any of The Flash's fuck ups, Blue Beetle was shot in the face by his asshole boss. Way to not know your audience, DC Comics!

Of course, now the new generation of comic book lovers don't give a shit about Ted Kord because he's a threat to their beloved Jaime Reyes. Fuck Jaime Reyes! He's just a dumb kid with a space tapeworm. I don't like having to say that because I like Jaime Reyes and his friend Brenda (especially when she was less spotty than she currently is. Va-va-va-voom!). But if Jaime fans are going to shit all over Ted Kord then fuck them and Jaime too! Fuck them right in the place people don't like to be fucked! I can't imagine where that is, personally, but I'm sure some people have a place like that.

Wait. The scarab was in his junk?

Don't worry, Jaime Reyes fans! No way is the scarab going to stay out of Jaime's dick. I'm sure Ted Kord donning the Blue Beetle costume again will only last a few issues. Ted will probably be arrested after he starts dating Brenda.

Jaime is a bit upset that he's no longer best friends with an alien bug that is also a robot and a parasite. He still wants to help save the world from Arion, Lord of Atlantis, but his mother won't let him now. I bet he has a curfew now too. On the plus side, he was probably avoiding having sex with Brenda because the scarab might have hurt her vagina. Now they're free to do all the weird, gross things young people get up to because they think they need to impress their sexual partner with how imaginative they are in the doing it department.

Anyway, on their way home, Jaime sees a guy he knows running around the streets like a sweaty canned ham: Kevin Kho. Hey! That's the guy who turns into OMAC! Is he going to team up with Ted Kord to become the next big comedy super duo, Blue and OMAC?

The group is attacked by roided out Ambush Bugs. Kevin makes a break for it because he doesn't want to turn into OMAC. See, OMAC has a problem distinguishing what to smash and what not to smash. It's almost as if Kirby was all, "Here is my comic book for the month, DC Comics!" And DC Comics was all, "Um, Jack. This is an Incredible Hulk book. We don't own the Hulk." And Jack was all, "Dammit. I can never keep straight what company I'm currently working for. My brain is disconnected from linear time, you know! Okay. Let me make a few changes and now it's OMAC, Obviously Marvel's Ariginal Character!" And DC Comics was all, "That's not how you spell original." And Jack was all, "Mother, I'm done with my porridge! Can I watch the radio now?"

To save the day, Jaime's mother turns into a lizard person. No wait. Kevin turns into OMAC! Jaime's mom does turn into a lizard person for some reason but I don't think it's to save the day. It might have just been to give me a boner.

Jaime needs to find a way to help stop everybody in the world transforming into muscular Ambush Bugs and/or OMACs. So he heads back to get Ted Kord's old Blue Beetle costume. So that's Jaime on the cover, is it? Well, if that's the case, I'm off to hire a lawyer. Putting Jaime in Ted's Blue Beetle costume was my idea stemming back to New 52 Blue Beetle #1 where I Shooped Ted Kord's head on Jaime's body in every review! I'm fairly certain I've got a case here.

Jaime doesn't plan on doing the Ted Kord Beetle thing for long. He's only donning the costume to get the scarab back from Arion, Lord of Atlantis. That should save the world along with the added benefit of proving Doctor Fate is a stupid asshole who doesn't know anything and should just stick to smaller Lords of Order jobs, like straightening up cluttered desks and raking leaves.

The Ranking!
No change. You can really tell J.M. DeMatteis joined the crew to script because there's practically no confusing wacky banter at all. Also, just for the people who are always rolling their eyes at disasters like this needing to be solved by the least heroic hero possible, it's mentioned a few times that the Justice League is off-world. It's weird how they're always off-world in other comics but they're never off-world in their own comic book. I mean, sure, I suppose they've currently been sort of "off-world" in that they've been traveling through time. But it's not like time travel takes any real time! Unless you believe the Bill and Ted theory that the clock in San Dimas is always running.

Blue Beetle #7

Here's a lie to explain those, Jamie: "I was so drunk when I checked in, I forgot to change the sheets at that hostel in Berlin!"

The Review!
If you want to read an intelligent comic book that is easy to understand, maybe pick up something else. Might I suggest The Flintstones? This book fails on two of the two counts in my initial premise. It is neither easy to understand nor intelligent. Those aren't really judgments against the comic even if they completely sound like they are. Some people (like me!) don't necessarily think "intelligent" and "clearly communicated" are positive attributes! Clarity is for suckers. And anybody can seem intelligent which really drives down the stock price on actual intelligence.

Long time comic book readers will know exactly what they're in for when they see Keith Giffen's name on the cover of a comic book. A light, airy adventure with lots of bantering (which some might call humorous and others might call confusingly annoying). Eventually the lightness takes a dark turn and a lot of people die. Because Ted Kord has still been making jokes, I was almost fooled into believing this comic had yet to take a dark turn. But then I remembered that cowboy guy in the Posse had his head chopped off by Mordecai an issue or two ago, and I don't think it was meant to be hilarious. In this issue, Doctor Fate dies! But don't worry. He only dies for a few seconds which Kent Nelson doesn't take full advantage of because he doesn't realize Nabu has the ability to resurrect himself. It's probably good he didn't know or else we would have been subjected to several panels of Kent furiously masturbating in the Tower of Fate.

By the end of the issue, Arion, Lord of Atlantis, has risen again. I'm not sure what his plans are now that he's back since his plans before being imprisoned by Fate were to save Atlantis. Maybe now he just wants to see the whole world drown.

Also, the Blue Beetle Scarab has been removed from Jaime. So now he's just another boring, normal kid. Hopefully that will improve his chances with Brenda.

The Ranking!
No change! Next issue, J.M. DeMatteis will be coming on board to clear up the confusing banter.

Blue Beetle #6

Motherfuckin' dance party! Um, motherfuckers!

Sometimes when I use the word "motherfucker," I feel like I need to use it again almost immediately. It's the kind of word that really goes great with itself. It also pairs nicely with fingerbanging.

When I see Keith Giffen's name on a comic book, I often think, "I'd better outlive this motherfucking motherfucker." Not that I'm wishing he'd die! I just know he's super old! Like almost twenty years older than me! Oh shit. That's it? Fuck. I'm super old! I really hope I don't die before Giffen! Now I'm fucking worried about it. My side has been aching. Could that be terminal?!

This is the first page of the comic book.

That first page is why I'm going to die before Giffen does! I spent four hours Wednesday night partially stripping the wax off the floor of a pet store (as well as reapplying the wax and generally cleaning the rest of the store (most of which needs to be stripped too!)) and he did that in about ten seconds and was already done with 5% of his job. Good for Giffen! He really knows how to let comic books be comic books. Some writers would have cluttered up this page with a bunch of Blue Beetle Narration Boxes so they could impress fans with their wordsmithing, even though those same fans probably hate every single decision the comic book writer has ever made about their favorite character. Although the laugh is on them if Blue Beetle is their favorite character! Dum-dums! Haven't they ever heard of Wolverine?!

Jaime is upset with Ted because Ted doesn't tell him anything. To be fair to Ted, no character written by Keith Giffen ever speaks any dialogue that would ever be considered clear and concise and meant to inform another character of something. Giffen learned how people speak with others by watching Abbott and Costello. That's a reference people my and Keith Giffen's age would understand!

As if Jaime doesn't have enough cities which were bombarded in his own lifetime to choose from. Why is he bringing up Dresden?!

It's probably better that Giffen had Jaime use Dresden as an example. Bombing an entire city into rubble is okay to talk about when the Baby Boomers were doing it to a country full of Nazis, even if they almost killed Kurt Vonnegut while doing so. If you're going to bring up the specter of English speaking countries bombing the motherfucking shit out of a city full of non-English speakers, Dresden is the least controversial city to bring up because even though it was basically a bombing campaign against civilians and porcelain, it really gave those Nazis a black eye!

In the next panel, Kord brings up Jaime's mention of Dresden and guesses Jaime has been studying World War II. Good job, Mr. Giffen! Way to throw in an excuse for your old man reference coming out of a kid's mouth before some Internet asshole could blast you for it! I mean Internet assholes who read the entire comic book before commenting on them. Your scheme doesn't work for jerks like me who can't put down the comic book fast enough to make a snide remark about it online!

Jaime finally gets Ted Kord to stop bantering and avoiding answering questions. Ted finally tells Jaime what he knows about the Scarab and a man named Dan Garrett. He was the boring Blue Beetle!

After learning about Dan Garrett (which we, the readers, learned about a few issues ago. Remember that time we were all bored to tears? That was Dan Garrett!), Jaime flips the fuck out and flies away. Doctor Fate, who was spying on everybody, flies after him. Maybe we'll find out which Doctor Fate this is soon! I hope it's not that medical college bore who refused to fuck his neighbor even though she kept throwing her vagina at him. Ugh, I hated that guy! He was worse than Dan Garrett.

Jaime decides to hunt down Mordecai which seems like a rash decision. And reading a few more pages, I learn it definitely was a rash decision! Jaime has his soul pulled out of the top of his head by Mordecai. But that also was a rash decision because all that does is free up the Blue Beetle Scarab to do what it's been wanting to do ever since it entered Jaime and he was all, "No way! We don't kill, Blue Beetle armor!" Now that it's free of the prude, it decides to smash the fuck out of Mordecai. And Mordecai's master is all, "Oh! Isn't it delicious!"

But before the Blue Beetle armor can kill Mordecai while Mordecai continues to act like he's Jesus Christ on the cross, Doctor Fate arrives to destroy Blue Beetle. He doesn't seem to care about Mordecai or his master, the disembodied voice inside the ziggurat. They're no worry as long as they don't get their hands on the Blue Beetle scarab, I guess.

The Ranking!
No change. This must be the Kent Nelson (or was it Nelson Kent?) Doctor Fate since he hasn't once asked if he was dreaming or on drugs like that Khalid moron.

Blue Beetle #5

This is how I played basketball in junior high.

In junior high and high school, we got to pick from a variety of "sports" every quarter for physical education. What "sports" you were able to pick from depended on what teachers were teaching the period you were given P.E. At the top of my hierarchy of choices was weightlifting. Mostly because you sat on your ass all period. I usually worked on my legs and sang whatever song was playing on the radio a little bit too loud and then being really embarrassed when the girl I had a crush on would make note of it. Second on the list was ultimate Frisbee. Third was any sport with a racket. I preferred badminton but I never ruled out tennis. One time when we were choosing classes, I had to consider basketball because the girl I had a crush on, Marilyn Mendoza, was in line for basketball with her friends. But I hated basketball and even though I desperately wanted to be in the same class with her, I had to pick tennis. While dying from this junior high school Sophie's choice, Marilyn convinced her friends to get in the tennis line. I didn't realize at the time that she had a crush on me as well.

As I noted, basketball was the worst. I hated getting stuck with basketball, swimming, or soccer. Pretty much anything that had too much cardio!

This issue begins with the Green Beetle, Mordecai, attacking Jaime's mom's free clinic. Luckily Blur and her other Posse buddy, Fingerbangs, are there to save her.

Unluckily for Fingerbangs, nobody is there to save him. Ew.

Blue Beetle shows up to save his mom by distracting Mordecai. Mostly he distracts Mordecai by acting like a really squishy punching bag. Blur teleports the doctor away again but loses her the way Blur tends to lose people she teleports with. Jaime's mom winds up in a coffee shop with Sugar and Spike. They've taken a case for Ted Kord and it involves Jaime so they go after his mom. I can't imagine what kind of embarrassing past Jaime Reyes can have at fifteen. Maybe a rumor was started in junior high school that he masturbated into a breadbox. Yeah, I don't know why that would become a rumor either but it happened to a kid in my eighth grade class. It's kind of hard to own a rumor like that at that age. If it happened to me now, I'd just say, "A breadbox?! No way! Dozens of different socks, various plastic bags, rolls and rolls of paper towels, hotel ice buckets, every sink in every bathroom at every place I've ever worked, various places outdoors, the stairwell at the Portland State University library, under the sink in my college dorm until it looked like a massive candle had melted under there, and way too many other places to remember. But a breadbox?! Gross!"

I can think of lots of embarrassing reasons why Ted Kord would hire Sugar and Spike but I covered that last commentary. Although it is Rebirth Blue Beetle so he probably has a lot of new embarrassing moments from his superhero past.

The Posse arrive to save the day but that probably won't last long because they're just kids. Their day is going to need saving by Blue Beetle and Teri Magnus. It looks like Teri Magnus still has superspeed powers left over from her stint as a character in Justice League 3001. Teri and Ted pick up Jaime's family because he needs to explain to everybody exactly what's going on. He picks up Jaime too right after Mordecai is called away by his master.

Mordecai's master is imprisoned in a weird box underground guarded by the bugs Blue Beetle sleep-fought an issue or two ago. It seems Doctor Fate has been set to guard this prison. That must be why Doctor Fate knows so much about the scarab and how dangerous it is.

I still don't know which Doctor Fate this is. Maybe it's best for Rebirth if his or her secret identity is just never revealed.

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #4

I suspect Doctor Fate simply thinks Blue Beetle is a dream or a hallucination.

If the current Rebirth Doctor Fate is still Khalid, I will burn this motherfucking house to the ground. That should teach DC to not fuck with me.

This issue tells the tale of Blue Beetle's secret origin. It probably amounts to "Jaime Reyes was walking to school one day while casually brushing his hand against Brenda's outer thigh while she pretended not to notice. His penis was semi-erect and her vulva was slightly engorged. Then a space beetle stuck itself in his back and he was all, 'Goddammit!' The end."

The story is close enough to my telling that I don't really need to expound on it. Although at one point, Brenda begins speaking Old Portugese [sic]. Last issue, letterer Josh Reed decided to swear in the Old Portugese. I wonder if he says anything crude this time!

Brenda first says, "Aslpe, esdcv bmlcwp mwoalsk." Then she says, "Hgrd, pwor ixnf ksjd hino fc neurjf."

Since that's all nonsense, I'm going to assume Josh Reed was reprimanded and told to just make the alien language gibberish.

So the scarab fused to Jaime's spine and now he's become Ted Kord's pet project. Probably because Ted knew the previous owner of the scarab, Daniel Garrett, who drowned while Doctor Fate watched. Doctor Fate's penis was semi-erect.

Also in this story, Jaime holds hands with a girl. He could be fucking a girl but he let Blur get away. So now he's got to start way back at the beginning with talking and holding hands. Pee-yuke!

The Ranking!
No change!

Blue Beetle #3

If Jamie leans too far back, he stabs himself in the butthole.

I don't think people realize how easy it is to be a cypher to Internet advertisers because they're always so eager to put their opinion everywhere on the Internet or to like as many things as possible to express their unique personality. The advertisements on my social media sites struggle to come up with anything that might possibly spark a bit of interest in my wallet. I once looked up "Freudian Slippers" because I knew they had to exist and they did. So for months, I'd get advertisements basically saying, "Hey! Hey! Look! You still haven't bought these ugly things! You want 'em? They're still avaialable!" Months ago, I looked up some covers for Peter Milligan's Shade the Changing Man and I'm still getting ads using covers of the comic book. That's about the only bit of my interest advertisers have managed to sink their claws into and they won't fucking let it go. If it's not covers of a comic book I read decades ago and still own (so why would I be interested in the ads?), I just get random products as the Global Advertising All-Brain tries to get me to click on something to find another piece of the me puzzle.

I'd be shook too if the new breakthrough in tanning was rubbing shit on yourself.

I suppose the place that would know my interests best would be Amazon since I do occasionally shop there. Let's see what it's recommending for me today!

"Rules of Civility", We Should All Be Feminists, Exploring Psychology, and some book about becoming a dad? Way to make me feel emasculated, Amazon! At least they got two right: Hitchiker's which I'd never buy because I already own in at least three versions and some book about having an IQ of 84. Although that's a bit high for me, I think I could probably relate.


I can't remember the last time I purchased a Walking Dead book or anything Buffy-related on Amazon. And I've never purchased a Saga book although I do eventually need to having left off with the single issues around the time they met that guy in the lighthouse. I have no idea why they think I want a Joan Crawford movie. But I will take the book of Laura Ingalls' wisdom! She's my fucking favorite!

This issue begins with Jaime sleep-superheroing. It's kind of like sleepwalking but it's when the sentient alien scarab on your back decides you're a pusshole and you haven't been killing enough bad guys. So it takes you out when you're sleeping to throw you into a life-threatening situation where you wake up confused. The scarab takes him into one of the holes that have been appearing in the city and plops him down in front of an army of bug-people. He'll probably kill a few just from being startled awake. I imagine if I woke up in a room full of screaming toddlers, I'd kill a few of them before I fully realized what was going on.

I'm a bit disappointed that the scarab didn't drop Jaime into Blur's bedroom. I'm still hoping those kids engage in a proper fuckfight soon.

As Blue Beetle battles, he begins to speak Old Portugese [sic as seen in New 52 Swamp Thing #5]. I suppose somebody at DC lost the key to the language because the editors let this slip by:

He's saying, "Wait. What the fuck?"

I asked Lord Google "'Josh Red' DC Comics lost job" but didn't get any results. I assume nobody noticed. Good for you, Josh! You're really shaking things up! Don't get too cocky though! Remember that even the great Simon Bisley was fired for drawing a penis in Lobo's arm!

After a brief and confusing battle, the ceiling collapses and Blue Beetle is pulled out of the hole which closes under him. He decides he should probably investigate the problem. I guess that means he'll be joining the Posse and possibly even getting some pussy from Blur. She wants to fuck him so badly.

Meanwhile, Ted Kord is busy building something.

This is probably the same conversationg H.H. Holmes had with contractors.

Jaime stops by to see Ted and Ted is all, "Oh, by the way! Remember how I said Doctor Fate came by to see me? Yeah, well, he wants to kill you." Doctor Fate is afraid the scarab will do that thing to Earth that the scarabs like to do to planets. I think the phrase is "utter destruction."

Teri, Kord's biologist who is trying to figure out how to remove Jaime's scarab (and probably how to put it in Ted!), is currently meeting with Sugar and Spike. I guess somebody has some embarrassing moments from their past they'd like covered up! I'm guessing it has to do with Blue Beetle's time on Justice League International and his friendship with Booster Gold and too much alcohol and a fat cock.

The rest of the comic book is Jaime going around telling people he's going to get a medical check-up and that he might die. They all go, "Well, do you want me to be there?" Why is everybody so eager to see him die?!

There's an epilogue where a Green Beetle is walking around an airport in El Paso killing children. He's probably a bad guy.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm enjoying this comic book but since most of this was just Jaime moping about sleepwalking, I can't classify it as a Don't Miss Thriller!

Blue Beetle #2

The fight we've all been waiting for: Blue Beetle versus Red Scribblething!

The media has been doing a terrible job for years but I want people to know that I think they're terrible at their job for different reasons than anybody who calls it "the mainstream media." Because you know when somebody says "the mainstream media," it means they have their own trusted little conspiracy-riddled source of media where they believe the truth resides. And if they believe the bullshit being funneled into their empty heads from those sources, of course they're going to believe "the mainstream media" is lying to everybody. Because why else would "the mainstream media" be ignoring things like Sandy Hoax and Pizzagate?! These are also the same people who will ask you for a source that disproves their idiocy and then scoff at you when you refer them to a site like Snopes. As if Snopes is just an opinion blog that doesn't link to a huge list of references used in their articles. I guess the bias and spin can be seen in that reference list which never seems to pull information from articles by Infowars and Worldtruth.tv and Coast to Coast AM.

We all have that friend who tells us we've been snowed by "the mainstream media" and then links to some loony YouTube video that explains the truth (unless you are that friend and then your friends are all fucking idiots who wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to them and said, "Hi! Trump is great!"). It doesn't matter if, like me, you avoid most of "the mainstream media" sources (as well as "the truthful, non-mainstream media" sources!) if your opinions mirror those of "the mainstream media" because you've still probably been duped by somebody, probably a libtard friend who can't stop watching "the mainstream media" and sneakily whispered the mass media hypnotic revelations into your ear, probably while you were enjoying a candy bar so that you associate the feelings of ingesting silky smooth chocolate and creamy caramel with the liberal agenda.

The worst thing about all these Truthers and mainstream conspiracy theory nutters is that they've ruined the entire X-Files world for me. I used to love reading things about predictive programming and secret government projects like Cloverleaf and Paper Clip and searches for cryptids and elaborate experiments in Mantauk! I used to lose myself in reading schizophrenic rants by Francis E. Dec or ones just found left in copiers by unknowns! By I just can't enjoy any of it anymore because it reminds me that there are way too many Americans taking much of this stuff way too seriously, convinced everything they don't agree with is a PSYOP. And it's because they've been taken in by "the alt-stream media" while screaming at everybody else for being duped by "the mainstream media." And you know the worst part about these "alt-stream media" believing assholes? They start every argument with "I've researched this for years" or "I've been studying this my entire life." Well, if by "research" and "study," you mean Googled the Internet until you found videos full of unsubstantiated rumor and oddball assumptions that confirmed your bias and stroked your selfish ego, I suppose I can't argue with that! I guess "pizza" does indeed mean "underage sex slave"! But at least Snopes actually responds directly to each point brought up and lists sources for why they've proclaimed something true or false! I'll take that over "Look at these four girls from different tragedies who all look similar and therefore must be the same girl!" any day.

I was hoping to read this comic book before going to work tonight but as you might have noticed, I fell down an Internet Rabbit Hole when a friend on Facebook commented on an asshole on Facebook's comment about "Sandy Hoax." Christ, people are nutjobs.

Here's a book report I once did about a nutjob book my father thought was great!

Sorry, Blue Beetle, I'm not ready to start reading yet! Here's the thing about "Sandy Hoax": the day after the Sandy Hook massacre, Clyde Lewis was already on the radio suggesting it was a False Flag. That's simply the go-to cry of the Second Amendment patriots. If a gun was used to kill innocent people then that event was obviously staged to get people behind gun control. So the thesis was already written before the event even took place. After that, it's just a matter of taking all of the terrible "mainstream media" reports from the chaotic aftermath and using them as facts to prove discrepancies in the timeline. So the only time "the mainstream media" gets things right is when their idiotic, need-to-be-first, crap reporting (part of the "terrible job" I mentioned earlier!) says things that can later be used in the "official" report of the conspiracy. So "the mainstream media" is wrong about everything until they're actually wrong and then their errors are used as truthful evidence of what really happened.

People just want to believe the stupidest shit. Probably because they've all been brainwashed by David Icke's lizard people. I hear they're really into pizza.

Here are Blue Beetle's new partners, The Posse! I should probably say tentative partners since Blur seems to be kicking Beetle's ass on the cover.

Why the fuck are these kids hanging out with a sentient root? It's not like that description says he's a kid who tripped over a radioactive root and gained the power to destroy sidewalks and puncture septic tanks. It says he's an intelligent bush! Maybe a bush near the baseball field was hit by an intense gamma ray burst and soon found itself contemplating its own existence. Daily, it watched the children talking and playing nearby until it had a grasp on the English language. At that point, it slowly grew itself into a humanoid shape and pulled itself out of the ground to hang out with the humans. After learning what "wedgies" and "swirlies" were, it finally found a bunch of freaks that didn't mind it hanging around them. He took the name Root so he could go into battle screaming, "SUCK THE ROOOOOOOOT, BITCHES!"

The Posse have been investigating families disappearing after huge holes suddenly appeared in the middle of their houses. That doesn't seem like much of a mystery! They've obviously been eaten by Tremors. End of story! Next!

Before Jaime can solve the mystery as quickly as I solved it, he's distracted by finding out the Posse know his mom. She's been taking care of them when they get hurt. That sounded like a disgusting "Your mom!" joke, didn't it?

The Posse take Blot to Dr. Reyes but leave Blur behind to flirt with Blue Beetle. At least I think it's flirting. Is it flirting when you automatically assume the person you just met wants to fuck you and you never stop talking about how they must want to fuck you?

Okay. That clears that up. Definitely flirting! Now I know how to do it!

For some reason, Blue Beetle doesn't want to fuck Blur. I would have had my dick inside of her the moment she said, "I don't bite. Unless you're into that kinda thing." Then she probably would have teleported away with my dick inside of her. So maybe Jaime's caution isn't as gay as I thought it was.

You know what? Even if there was a possibility I could lose my dick in a teleporter accident, I'd still fuck Blur! She's hot like a Jim Lee drawing! Scribbles everywhere!

Blur tries to teleport Blue Beetle back to her fuck spot on top of a building but he doesn't appear with her. Apparently she's not good at teleporting other people so Jaime has wound up somewhere random.

Meanwhile Brenda (the Rebirth Brenda who actually looks like an awkward teenage girl and not the super hot New 52 Brenda who I'm currently picturing making out with Vampire Tig) and Paco see a ghost veteran who melts before their eyes. He might have been flirting with them.

See?! Blur came to the same conclusion about Blue Beetle's caution that I did!

Flirty girls are the best! Not that I've ever been able to notice when a girl is flirting with me. I usually miss every sign up until the one where they follow you into the bathroom and stick their hand down the front of your pants. That's a good sign!

Blur gets a little too aggressive and the Blue Beetle Armor thinks she's trying to harm Jaime. I'm glad I was never wearing Blue Beetle Armor when those hands were stuck down the front of my pants! So the Armor attacks Blur which is how the fight on the cover begins. I hope it ends with fucking! I hope this is secretly a fuckfight!

I really am turned on by Blur! Women who know what they want is a turn on! I mean, if what they want is sex with me. If what they want is to discuss our feelings, I'm out of there!

Blue Beetle winds up electrocuting Blur with a tiny electro-bug thing and then she almost dies!

This relationship is way better than the Bat/Cat one!

The issue ends with a family moment at home that's all stupid because Blur and Beetle didn't fuck. I wonder how many letters I'd have to write to DC to get them to change this from a Teen title to a Teen Plus title? Maybe even a Mature title! The kids who discovered their love of Jaime Reyes from the DC cartoons are old enough to see him fuck now, right? I mean, were they old enough to see him fuck previously? Probably! But as an adult, I don't think I'm supposed to discuss how sexual teenagers actually are. We're supposed to pretend they've never stuck a hand down the front of another teenager's pants ever! But being an adult who was once a teenager, I know for a fact they put their hands down each other's pants! I also know that sometimes they rub their boobs on your arm when you're playing Donkey Kong Jr. Or push the back of your head into their crotch when they sit behind you on the couch you were leaning against. Or come into their brother's room with a friend, interrupting you while you're rolling up Dungeons and Dragons characters, to strip in front of you and do things I've never seen adult strippers do while sitting on a bowling ball!

Hmm. Are all those memories now considered child pornography?! Eep! My memories are a cesspool of filth and illegality!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I haven't even added this title to the rankings yet and I'm advancing it up a notch! That's almost all because of Blur. I'm glad she was in this because I haven't had a crush like this on a character since Maps! I mean, my crush on Maps was more of a "I wish I were Maps!" kind of thing. My crush on Blur is more like my crush on Vampire Tig which is a "I wish I were in Vampire Tig!" thing.

Blue Beetle #1

Doesn't this comic book just scream, "Hey middle-aged mom wet for every shirtless high school baseball player she happens to run into hanging around the showers at the local high school, this comic book looks like a lot of fun for your stupid kid you wish you'd never had!"?

The Commentary!
• Blue Beetle is one of those stupid super hero names that were thought up back when people had no imagination. Every character from back then has a name that sounds like a fifth grader came up with it playing Mad Libs. No wait. If that were true, he'd be Fart Crab, or Booby Louse. I probably should have said second grader. Although I wonder how Blue Beetle got past the editor? Shouldn't the editor have been all, "Blue Beetle, hanh? Blue Beetle! Who do you think reads our funny books, hanh? Entomologists?! How them kids gonna know Blue Beetle is a man, see? They're going to think he's a beetle, ya fool! Change the name to...let's see...Beetle Man! Yeah! That's it! Beetle Man! Top notch! That's a book that'll sell like flapjacks!" Then he would have walked off puffing on a cigar to go dive in a pile of money.

• This issue is called "Deja Blue" because that's word play! But just in case it's a bit too foreign for some readers, the entire phrase is written out as "Deja Vu" and then the "Vu" is crossed out with a red X and the word "Blue" is written underneath. I don't know if that's supposed to be a cutesy touch or if the final print for this book got one last edit.

• I don't really remember how Rebirth ended and I'm not sure if it really matters. But this issue begins with the visuals showing Doctor Fate battling a huge azure insect in what looks like Ancient Egypt. Over the top of the battle is one of those banter sessions Keith Giffen's character love to engage in. This session is between Jaime and Brenda. Unless it's Ted Kord and Brenda. It's hard to tell because all of Keith Giffen's characters talk the same way. But the Blue Beetle half of the discussion makes a really lame Ted Kord joke on the first page about Brenda's nose not being an ear, so it seems like Ted. But then why is Ted hanging out with Brenda? Plus then Brenda quips back (since every other response by every other character in a Keith Giffen Dialogue is a "quip") at Blue Beetle, "How's that G.E.D. coming along?" Which sounds like something she'd definitely say to Jaime and probably not say to the billionaire inventor. Although his jokes are about equivalent to questions on a G.E.D.

• Every adult citizen of America should have to take the G.E.D. Then their scores should always be linked to all of their online identities. That way when somebody corrects me on something stupid I said for a joke, I could look at their shitty scores and think righteously to myself, "There's no way you knew that before Googling it and you've probably already forgotten it, you ass-toothed clown." Although then the Internet would be full of Hot Takes about how the tests don't measure anything substantive, really. Of course, those Hot Takes would be by know-nothings who completely flopped the stupid test because they rely on their cell phone to answer any questions that might come up which have nothing to do with themselves.

• I don't even give a shit about how well people do on things like standardized tests. One of the wittiest guys I know has only ever read three books in his life: Where the Red Fern Grows, McMahon!: The Bare Truth About Chicago's Brashest Bear, and Rambo: First Blood. He's a hilarious guy but he'd tank a G.E.D. And let's face it, all of you Mensa people! You're really just an organization of pretentious assholes who all think alike and needed some kind of official seal for your obnoxious personality!

• Um, you know, no offense, people of Mensa! Don't get your bow ties in a twist!

• Oh! So on the second page, Brenda asks Jaime, "So, was Doctor Fate in it again?" So Jaime is telling Brenda a dream! I don't have to remember what happened at the end of Rebirth to understand why this issue began like it did! Whew. My memory isn't bad enough to justify how weirdly panicked I was getting!

Why does he need to know Doctor Fate to dream about him? I dream about having sex with all sorts of people I don't actually know!

• What's up with Brenda?! She's totally not super hot like she's always been previously! She's skinny and spotty and actually looks like a kid in high school! How am I supposed to have a fantasy crush on that?! Ugh! Goodbye, Brenda! Welcome back to my dreams, Vampire Tig!

• Today at Goofball High where nobody says anything in a clear and concise way and everybody is constantly insulting the other person, it's Career Day! And speaking at Career Day is Ted Kord! He's a really great lecturer! He says stuff like, "There is no such thing as a bad idea, if you could prove the idea wasn't stupid." He didn't say it exactly like that but I think I nailed the idiotic flavor of the quote.

This third wheel is Paco. He's the only person in the Blue Beetle Universe who can't get a handle on the quick banter. I don't know who the brunette is longing to be a part of their hilarious group.

• Ted Kord's partner is Teri Magnus so she obviously has a couple of Responsometers shoved up her vagina. And a twin brother named Terry! His Responsometers are up his asshole. I suppose Teri's might be too. Who am I to judge where she likes to shove her Responsometers?

• Ted Kord has been doing some investigating because he's basically Green Arrow-lite who is basically Batman-lite and I'm sure he'd love to become the World's Greatest Wanna-be Detective. But because he has a heart problem, he needed to stop by the school to pick up Jaime to do all of the superhero work that the investigating will surely lead to. So they go out in the Bug to begin fighting crime together. After the bantering, of course. Always with the Goddamned bantering.

• At the scene of the place where the clues can be found, Blue Beetle gets in a battle outside of a bottle with a shadow creature.

Hopefully by mentioning Nightshade, it means she'll be appearing later, right? Or is Ted just going to constantly refer to his Post-Crisis days before he got fat, developed a heart problem, and was shot in the face?

• Blue Beetle battles Blot while being belittled by Ted Kord. He eventually defeats him and that's when Posse shows up. They're Blot's friends and they're the local gang who apparently aren't quite bad but aren't altogether good either. Like a local Justice League but with more petty theft and fronting. Blot's parents have been kidnapped which is why he was flipping the fuck out. I guess Blue Beetle will be working with Posse next issue. I also hope Keith Giffen works on his material next issue. He loves to use the same jokes over and over, so much so that he has two different characters say the exact same thing this issue.

If it wasn't for Giffen's penchant for repetition, I might suspect Brenda was Red Electricity Head.

The Ranking!
0! It's not bad! It's just a Keith Giffen comic book. If somebody said, "Hey! I have this comic book!", you probably wouldn't know what to expect. It could be anything! But if somebody said, "Hey! I have this Keith Giffen comic book!", you'd probably have to ask, "Written by, drawn by, or both?" After they answered "Written by!", you'd be all, "Oh, yeah. Totally know what to expect!" Also if that person had said "Drawn by!", you'd also know what to expect. Nine by nine panels and people with sort of long faces and half-closed eyes.

Blue Beetle Rebirth #1

Now that Ted Kord is in this comic book, I can probably stop superimposing his Blue Beetle face on Jaime's Blue Beetle face.

The Review!
Keith Giffen is back to writing Blue Beetle. I suppose he was writing him in Justice League 3000 but that felt like cheating. I wonder how long before Ted Kord is fat again? Or how long before Booster Gold arrives? Maybe Booster Gold will visit with a young sidekick too, Boosterina Goldess, and she can have a romantic fling with Jaime. But Jaime will probably be disappointing and she'll move on to more popular superhero boyfriends and Jaime will never recover because he believes she's his one true love and why can't she see that and how dare she break his heart and she's a total skank jerko to boot! Or maybe Keith Giffen won't mire this book in the nostalgia of his Justice League of America run from many decades ago.

I suppose we're just going to ignore the fact that Ted Kord is back and running around as the Blue Beetle? I guess his mini-appearance in Forever Evil is good enough to explain where he came from? Although this falls under the Rebirth Label which means anything within the story trumps anything you might think you already knew of the DC Universe.

This issue is a better than average typical Keith Giffen comic book. I mean it's both a better than average regular comic book and a better than average comic book written by Keith Giffen. First off, he does that dialogue thing that he does where everybody sort of has the same way of bantering no matter who they are. So Brenda and Paco banter in much the same way that Ted and Jaime banter in much the same way that Rack and Ruin banter in much the same way that every character in The Heckler banters with every other character in The Heckler in much the same way that every member of Giffen's Suicide Squad banter with every other member of Giffen's Suicide Squad in much the same way Sugar and spice banter in much the same way...I don't know how to get out of this sentence! Oh wait! I did it! Whew. I think I made my point.

Keith Giffen begins by giving this comic book an easy reason to exist. Jaime Reyes wants the Blue Beetle off of his back because it's taking over his life and, apparently, it itches. He reaches out to Ted Kord because Ted is a nice guy billionaire industrialist who knows a thing or two about Blue Beetles. That's the simple premise and it would be good enough to launch this book. But Giffen adds another layer in that Ted Kord's top priority isn't removing Jaime's albascarab. Ted Kord would rather live vicariously through Jaime since Kord has a severe heart condition that limits his ability to fulfill the Blue Beetle role. Add to this Giffen's willingness to keep the previous world-building of Jaime's world relatively intact to include his family, Brenda, Paco, and even Aunt Amparo who is still after his scarab for her magic collection. Add to this Doctor Fate and some imbecilic bad guys and you've got an entertaining Blue Beetle comic book. Plus it has the added bonus of appealing to the only Blue Beetle fans that matter: Ted Kord and Jaime Reyes fans. Fuck all the Dan Garrett fans! And super fuck all of the Dan Garret fans! Although most of them are probably dead from World War II.

Brenda is still as feisty and sexy and hot and underage as I remember her! And fictional! Remember she's fictional so her age doesn't matter and I'm allowed to have a crush on her no matter how gross and problematic that seems to judgmental jerkfaces! She's a drawing of a nonexistent person! I'm pretending she's a thirty year old narc working with Checkmate to uncover underage metahumans. So she totally does it and stuff.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2

Fists for everybody!

Here's a secret: I hate you all. You all disgust me.

Now please enjoy this review I wrote especially for you!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 was written by Scott Lobdell which means you probably love it. You have absolutely no taste. Your ability to discern intelligent, well-crafted writing is as vibrant and alive as a still born baby in the toilet of the downstairs bathroom at a junior prom. Your approach to living is as haphazard as a seventeen year old boy trying to undo his first bra on his exasperated underage cousin who only got into this situation because she wanted to see her first erect penis and was willing to endure some awkward groping of her newly budding breasts to satisfy her curiosity. That last sentence probably titillated you, you disgusting perv. I can't believe I'm writing this review for you.

Even I never assumed Lobdell could Lobdell a first page even worse than he usually Lobdells it.

Somebody once said (and I know it wasn't you because the last time an original thought flitted its way through your mind, Bill Cosby had yet to rape his fourteenth victim. So, you know, a long time ago) that the first page of a comic book sells the comic book and the last page of the comic book sells the next one. This page is not trying very hard to sell anything except blue paint for the walls in your downstairs pantry. I don't know who said that previous thing about first pages because most of my brain space is used for coming up with original thoughts (as opposed to yours which is mostly used for remembering the items on the Taco Bell menu). It is not used for remembering quotes or who they should be attributed to.

Blue Beetle's question "How hard can it possibly be..." ends with "...to fight a flying legion of super-heroes?" He goes on to say, "You know -- when I started that question it was supposed to be rhetorical." It still is rhetorical, Blue Fuckyou. It's rhetorical because it's a silly question meant to show that you realize the odds are stacked hugely against you. You never once fucking expected a realistic answer that would somehow save you from the situation you've found yourself. But guess what? I suppose you morons reading this commentary probably chuckled at it. You probably thought, "Why that Blue Beetle! Always keeping his sense of humor even in the face of overwhelming teenagers!" No wait. You never would have said that because it only played on a cliche and didn't actually deliver one. Replace "teenagers" with "odds" and that's more like something you'd say. Also maybe misspell a few words and punctuate the statement like Howard Mackie might. Or like Scott Lobdell considering his use of the double dash in the previous Blue Beetle quote.

Also, why is Blue Beetle asking the questions? It seems to me one of the other Charlton characters is much better suited for that task.

Firstly, "Blue Beetle" isn't a stretch. If you're Dan Garrett. I suppose if you're Ted Kord and you're just borrowing the name from Dan and have no actual relationship to the blue scarab, it's kind of a stretch. Secondly, how does he know "Cosmic Boy" is a stretch? He doesn't even know the kid's powers. They could be totally cosmic and boyish!

Blue Beetle pulls the old "Surrender and we'll let you live" routine that so many other Convergence characters prior to this have used. Now, it's not Scott Lobdell's fault that I'm reading his comic book nearly last and I'm as sick of this plot as I am of your breath, so I won't harp on it too much. But Blue Beetle is acting awfully arrogant for a guy whose only power is the ability to constantly verbally abuse his friends.

While Cosmic Boy, Timber Wolf, and Brainiac 5 speak with the Charlton gang, the rest of the Legionnaires float around in the sky in standard action figure poses. They must realize that there are far too many of them for Scott Lobdell to deal with. Oh, look how cute you are, turning red and sputtering because I ended that last sentence with a preposition. How much does it bug you that I know it and I don't give a fuck?

Typical Scott Lobdell. Everybody is more amazing than the next person right up until he's written enough pages for the month.

Tracy is in charge of a computer that can decode Interlac in 0.06 seconds but she doesn't know enough to realize Interlac is a language and not just a "something." Also, she doesn't know how to write her decimal correctly in her speech bubble. Not that it matters when Neanderthals like you are reading the comic book.

Colossal Boy shakes the Bug which will probably be the best part of this entire comic book even if nobody inside dies immediately from broken everythings. Instead the Bug teleports away, sadly not taking a few of Colossal Boy's fingers with it.

Jesus fucking Christ. Am I the only one paying attention to these things?! Hello? Comic book fans? Are you fucking literate? You people actually enjoy poorly written garbage?

Go ahead. Reread that page and tell me why it's fucking stupid. If you don't know what's wrong with it then you are not allowed to have opinions on whether comic books are well-written or not. Chameleon Boy begins a philosophical and ethical discussion about how if they win, a city full of innocent people will be destroyed. He has a problem with that. He's thinking maybe they need to deal with that instead of just going in and winning the fight. Catspaw and Robot Arms Snake Lass continue this discussion. It's an important discussion. But then Green Skirt Lad says it's a moot point because they're going to defeat these Charlton guys easy-peasy. Which is not a "moot point" at all but the entire point of the fucking conversation! Fuck you, Green Skirt Lad!

Blue Beetle needs precisely six minutes to enact some plan that will be so amazing that they'll beat Telos at his own game. Captain Atom's plan to distract the Legion of Super-heroes?

Poorly set-up and contrived one-liners!

No! Stop it, you! Do not laugh at that. I understand it's hard for an unimaginative moron not to laugh at all of the simple-minded bullshit that the entertainment-industrial complex spews into your eager for any kind of entertainment face receptacle. But if you're going to read my comic book reviews, I need you to have some kind of minimum standard. I'm not exactly sure where to set the bar for jokes you may find funny but I know Scott Lobdell's jokes are far, far beneath that bar.

Legion fails to stop Captain Atom even though they outnumber him infinity to one but I guess we're all still waiting on Blue Beetle's plan to save everybody. His plan is whatever and it whatevers then they all whatever and Telos smiles knowingly.

Convergence: Blue Beetle #2 Rating: I'm not going to give this comic book any rating because that would only encourage Scott Lobdell.

Divergence: Black Canary
"The newly rechristened band Black Canary seems to be a magnet for trouble...and Dinah's not gonna believe it when she finds out the reason why!"

What was wrong with the name "Ashes On Sunday"? It was more upbeat than Black Canary!

Does nobody else have a problem with Black Canary being the lead singer of a rock group? It seems a bit irresponsible. All it takes is one slip up, one well-timed mind control attack by a super-villain, one wrong note...and the heads of everybody in the audience explode. I guess Black Canary has walked away from worse disasters without any consequences. Like that time she and her Birds of Prey blew up an entire hotel without evacuating any of the occupants.

Black Canary and her band cause trouble at every venue in which they perform. Why? I don't know. Is Blue Devil in the band? He was a weirdness magnet, remember? I think Black Canary must be a violence magnet. She does try to smooth over all of the trouble when it confronts her but I guess her tour schedule is too hectic for her to pay people or apologize to people or to break up with people or to do anything except flee from city to city with a wave of angry people following in the band's wake because these angry people apparently don't have lives of their own.

I don't get it. This Sneak Peek doesn't make me want to read this comic book. It makes me want to murder everybody lining up at the Hawthorne Theater every night. It also makes Black Canary look like a huge dick. I think it's supposed to portray her in the opposite way because she tries to make amends with all of the angry people gathered at her show. But why does she leave so many angry people in her wake? Because she's a huge, selfish, narcissistic dick, right?

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1

Whoopee! I don't have to go two months without Scott Lobdell!

I have never before read a Dan Garrett Blue Beetle comic book (unless I read one in one of those Secret Origins comics DC likes to publish every few years) but I guarantee that this will be the worst one I'll ever read in my life! That's a fact!

No, no! I shouldn't allow Lobdell's previous New 52 train wrecks on the Teen Titans and Superman and Red Hood to bias my reading of this comic book. The whole point of Convergence is to give us all a chance to start over with a slate already muddied and fucked-up by old DC continuity! And I, for one, will not spoil my chance to be reborn! This is Scott Lobdell's day to shine! This is the day that I will laugh at his stupid fucking jokes! I will marvel at his meta-textual use of the word "meta-textual!" I will not read this while constantly thinking, "This is not a Blue Beetle story. This is a story of a protagonist that can be switched with any other hero in the DC Universe and still work! If by 'work' I mean 'not really make a whole lot of sense but is still kind of story-shaped.'"

This issue takes place on Earth-4 in Hub City! And their opponents? The Legion of Super-heroes from 31st Century Metropolis! Is that why Lobdell got the gig? Because he'll be writing teenagers? Who in the comic book field still thinks Scott Lobdell is good at writing teenagers? I think the only people that buy into his teenage characters are below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! No offense, below average intelligence thirteen year old boys!

If there is one demographic that needs more putting down, it's below average intelligence thirteen year old boys! Stop showing your dick to your classmates and read the fucking text book, kid! I get it! School is bullshit! What an observation! Guess what else is bullshit? Your future! Har!

I hope no below average intelligence thirteen year old boys figure out where I live because they can probably beat the crap out of me.

That one in green and yellow stripes isn't a man! I bet they're not all mad either!

Vic Sage doesn't ask one question during his report. I bet since the dome fell, he hasn't been able to ask a single question! He finally stopped ruining every dinner by shouting, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?!"

The Madmen have decided to reenact Les Miserables right in the middle of the street and the national guard is not happy about it. Their rendition of "A Little Fall of Rain" was toneless and lacked any sense of heartbreak. "Master of the House" seemed to be played just to emphasize the swearing and the dirty bits. "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" was upbeat and set to a ragtime tune! It was just a complete travesty and the city just wasn't going to stand it any longer. If only The Question could have reprised his role as Jean Valjean but, alas, his ability to ask that one pertinent question went out with the dome.

The Madmen find the critique harsh and disrespectful, leaving them only one choice.

Maybe the national guard would prefer Godspell?

Nathaniel Adam was the guy who yelled fire. You probably know him better as Captain Atom. Get it? His name is Adam and he's a captain! Vic Sage is the Question and he's a reporter with lots and lots of questions he wants answered! And they're both friends with Ted Kord who is the Blue Beetle. I'm surprised Ted Kord gets to be the Blue Beetle but since I really don't know the history of the Charlton Comics, I probably shouldn't be surprised by anything I read. Or everything, actually! One of those. What I'm trying to say is I'm completely ignorant!

Ted Kord has been busy building, according to his assistant Tracy, "another big expensive nothing-burger." That's snappy clever dialogue that will catch on with all the kids! Unless it already caught on with the kids? Is that something the kids say? Or is that something Scott Lobdell thinks the kids say? I wouldn't know because I say things that come out of my own brain instead of totes using things everybody is already saying. I mean, I can't even. You know what I mean, guys?

This is typical Scott Lobdell dialogue. He thinks he's being clever by twisting an old saying but he just winds up writing dialogue that doesn't make sense. So visionary people do the same thing over and over again and expect different results? Sounds about wrong.

Nat Adams pays Ted Kord a visit. Luckily Kord works on his machines with the news broadcasting on a television in his work space so he can point at the news reporter saying "Massacre at the Barricade!" at just the right moment.

Ted: "You're murdering people, you murderer!"
Nat: "I'm keeping the peace through murder! The people want murder! I mean peace! Via murder!"
Ted: "I'm trying to save everybody from the dome!"
Nat: "I'm saving them with murder!"
Tracy: "You guys need to hug and make up! No amount of murders should ruin a friendship!"

Ted and Nat make up because Ted wants to shoot his laser and Nat wants to feel regret for the murders he committed but that would probably take too many pages so he spends one panel remembering them and then everybody moves past the fact that he murdered a bunch of unhappy poor people.

Ted blasts the dome with a laser and Captain Atom gets his powers back! And his ridiculous fucking costume. Can I blame that on Scott Lobdell too? Please?!

What the fuck, you asshole? You couldn't fly through the big fucking hole in the roof that you just saw the lights through?! I'm more angry at this vandalism than the murders!

The light is being caused by Dr. Spectro because he got his powers back as well.

Let me tell you a little something about Scott Lobdell: he doesn't understand rules. Maybe he couldn't come up with a story that didn't revolve around the superpowered Charlton characters so he came up with this cheat about Ted Kord cracking the dome. Then he probably whined and moaned that it's actually a good character moment because out of all the characters in the DC Universe, which one of them would have the ability to crack the dome even slightly? I mean besides all the ones you'd think of before Ted Kord. Get to Ted Kord already and agree with Scott. But this isn't the only proof of Lobdell not being able to play the game that editorial sets up. Remember Flashpoint? Remember how there was no time travel? Remember who brought fucking Harvest in from the future via time travel? Yep! Scott Lobdell! I think. Maybe it was DeFalco.

Anyway, now the dome is up but a bunch of people with super powers are flying around the city.

Fuck, I hate myself. Now I'm tempted to go back and delete my previous lines about being surprised.

This next panel is a real doozy!

This is one of those stupid jokes he would have wedged into any of his comic books.

First, this comic book should be taking place in a time when the phrase "honest injun" probably wasn't a big deal. Second, Nathaniel Adam is a military man and would hardly care about correcting a villain using an insulting term. Third, Nathaniel Adam was just responsible for murdering a dozen poor people in the streets of Hub City so it seems a little hypocritical to be correcting somebody's use of an offensive phrases.

As Cap and Doc bicker about niceties, some Booster Gold motherfucker appears and asks where he might be. My guess is that it really is Booster Gold because his penis needs to have a good time with Blue Beetle's puckered ass. He must have come from an alternate future reality because remember how Scott Lobdell doesn't remember how those things work and how this dome is out of space and time?

I hope whoever is writing the Booster Gold book isn't somebody whose writing I like because I'm probably going to hate that book too if it's crossing over with this one.

Booster Gold disappears and everybody loses their powers. So maybe Blue Beetle's machine did something other than crack the dome. And whatever it did probably makes sense in a way that will make me feel like an asshole for picking apart the story.

No, it won't. I'll be fine.

Telos arrives and tells everybody about that battling deal. Cap gets his power back and Doctor Spectro probably would get his back if he hadn't shattered every bone in his body falling from the sky when he lost his powers earlier. The Question arrives and they all pack into the Beetle's Bug as the dome disappears. Next issue, more shitty writing! Also a battle against the Legion of Super-heroes!

Convergence: Blue Beetle #1 Rating: Suckity suck. Some people might be charmed by dialogue like "I suspect Telos is an unreliable narrator" or "I accomplished nothing--nothing!" or "the last thing we need right now is your transcendental nihilistic dime store crap" or "why would I possibly care about offending anyone?" or "this is frustrating." But I see it as Scott Lobdell sprinkling his story with unconscious moments where he's openly talking about his own writing. Poor guy. Maybe one day he'll work through his low self-esteem and hit one out of the ballpark!

Justice League 3000 #12

How the hell did this book not get canceled in the recent wave of cancellations?

Not that I want this book to be canceled! It's fairly entertaining and it takes place in the year 3000 so DeMatteis and Giffen can practically do whatever the fuck they want without hurting continuity. I know some people care about that kind of thing.

Last issue, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold were found on Old Earth That Was which is now called Takron-Galtos. They were snuggled up nice and cozy in a queen sized cryogenic container. Now they've got to figure out how they're going to survive in the 31st Century! Hopefully they'll also find a way to change the title on this comic book from Justice League 3000 to Blue and Gold 3000.

This reminds me. Why isn't Oberon hanging out with Mister Miracle over on Earth-2?

Booster and Beetle wander around the prison planet unescorted because they've never been known to wander into crazy hijinks before. Although this issue is called "Another Fine Mess," so I think that explicitly states that crazy hijinks are eminent.

Some guy on Takron-Galtos found one of Beetle's suits from when he was overweight and has been wearing it around chasing down no-goodniks on the prison planet. The Convert warns him to stay away from Booster and Beetle because Terri (or Terry?) wants them for study later.

Cameos by Starro, Despero, Frankenstein, and J'onn J'onzz happily munching his oreos.

Are these two just going to go around cracking wise with each other or are they going to get to the bottom of the mystery? You know the mystery? The Mystery of the Preboot Super Buddies Winding Up In The New 52 Future! Maybe the reason they're here is part of The Secret Six's secret!

Meanwhile on Camelot Nine, Wonder Woman gets a centerfold of her hugging demons. And by hugging I mean massacring. It's two sides of the same sword. Kissing. Killing. Practically the same word!

Booster and Beetle find Ted's old stash along with his extra Bug. But it's been upgraded because the pudgy Blue Beetle's father probably found the pudgy Blue Beetle's suit in this hole along with all of this other pudgy Blue Beetle gear.

So far, this is the most exciting thing to happen in fifteen pages!

As they admire Beetle's forged Superman memento, pudgy Blue Beetle attacks!

See? I knew pudgy was the right word!

Beetle and Booster run from Pudgy Blue Beetle because he has Doc Ock claws on his suit and the keys to the overhauled Bug. But they get stopped in their tracks by gigantic mutant rats. And that's where the issue ends except for the Next Issue Blurb.

What could it possibly mean?!

Justice League 3000 #12 Rating: No change. My favorite part of this issue was how Keith and J.M. just completely abandoned any pretense that this comic book was about the future Justice League and just fucked around with Teddy and Mikey (unless he'd rather go by Jonny?) all issue. Not a lot happened and it was the typical goofy back and forth between these two slackers but I think that's all this issue needed to be.

Threshold #7

Yay! A new character this issue: Goon the Offensive!

Now I'm sad that I'm going to be reading a comic book called Threshold and not a comic book called Goon the Offensive. And now I'm mad at comic book companies in general for no longer allowing comic books to be about comic books. Comic Books are really just the bottom of the heap of the super hero intellectual property. It's all about movies and television and merchandising and the comic book must play the support role for those greater money making opportunities. Which means comic books become watered down, vanilla stories that won't take chances for fear of ruining the image of the characters. Although the comic books are exactly the place that companies should be taking risks and telling controversial and insane and crazy and psychedelic stories that stride boldly across the boundaries of the status quo.

Maybe those kinds of stories would just suck coming from a corporate entity anyway. Those things I just mentioned do exist in comic books, just not in DC or Marvel comic books. Although I haven't been paying attention to Marvel's "reboot" so I can't exactly say what's going on there right now. Anyway, thinking about a title called Goon the Offensive made me realize to what extent DC's comic book stories are truly limited.

The Hunted begins with Caul bemoaning his life as a Green Lantern. Nearby, Captain K'rot acts sympathetic. Not. You know what needs to come back? People appending "not" to the end of sentences! Not! Man, that's annoying! It confuses me that people continue to use it! In the 21st Century! I thought after the millennium, we would all agree to retire a few dozen things from humankind's cultural baggage. I figured high-fiving anybody older than two would be right out by now. I was also hoping that watching sports would have fully entered its ironic phase which would spell the end of it altogether in a few years. Except that's wrong too, isn't it? Because the actual cycle is people love something, then people hate on people loving that thing, then people begin to love that thing ironically, and then they all slip right back into actually loving that thing. And so we beat on, boats against the current, blah blah blah. If F. Scott Fitzgerald were here right now, I'd high-five him! Not!

God I hate myself.

Instead of words, here is a picture of a drunk, anthropomorphic space rabbit with a cybernetic leg.

Speaking of words, Threshold #7 is full of them! Jediah Caul continues his belly aching inside Narration Boxes after he charges his ring and grows back to normal size. He never wanted to be a hero and all that shit. So don't be a hero, Jediah! Be your own man! Don't feel shackled to the ring and the uniform just because it picked you! Fuck the Green Lantern image. It's not like they're currently respected anywhere in the galaxy right now anyway. I think most of the universe's population expect you to act like a selfish asshole at this point.

There you go! Good man!

Caul ends up thinking better of it and rescues the Collected Neighborhood to return it to Lady Styx. Fucking chump.

Back on Tolerance, The Hunted are living in fear, running for their lives, and fighting Hunt Clubs to the death!

Not?

According to the previous scene, the television show Cheers was an accurate portrayal of a life and death struggle of human prey being hunted by legalized murder clubs. I suppose Cheers is a microcosm of the cast of every single story every told when you gather them into a bar to relax away from whatever their true story is. Now that this revelation has suddenly descended upon me (although, really, how much of a revelation is it? The gathering of people in a non-space to tell stories is possibly the first story!), I wish Cheers had never had any episodes outside of the confines of the bar. Now I'm disappointed that they occasionally told stories in the character's apartments and other places.

Stealth realizes that T'morra may have had a good idea with the televising the underdogs and getting the audience to love them better than money. She returns to join the Rebellion. Perhaps seeing Ember shot in the head also convinced her. Although as she walks into the bar, she does a double take at Ember's double. And Ember decides to tell Stealth her story!

Oh wait. That's it? That was worse than an episode of Cheers! ... wait for it ... Not!

Oh! I forgot about "wait for it"! That's pretty annoying too!

Caul gets a personal call from Lady Styx assuring him he's free to come back to Tolerance with her bit of city. Although I think she may be using "free" loosely since she's pretty much telling him he has to bring the city to her personally. So it's that kind of freedom. Like when the cops tell you you're free to come with them to the station. Or the government tells you you're free to pay taxes. Or your sexual partner tells you you're free to fuck whomever you want to fuck.

How cute! Despero's little brother is a news anchor in the Tenebrian Dominion!

For the whoever is keeping records, I should make this statement: Ember has to be one of the best characters to come out of Threshold. Okay, now everything else is off the record! I'll deny ever saying any of it! Especially that bit that Jelyde1 tricked me into saying about the Suicide Squad needing to swallow Resurrection Man's semen if they want to survive contact with the Samsara Project!

Those of you that have no idea what I'm talking about don't read enough Disqus Comments!

Caul places the district back where it belongs although it doesn't quite fit the same way that it used to. He has no way to return it to its normal size but that point is moot anyway when Lady Styx transports him to meet up with her. That's just speculation on my part when he disappears. And although I'm no Batman, I'd like to believe I can follow a fucking comic book story without anybody holding my hand. Although it would be nice to have somebody holding my hand while I read it. Or my cock.

Jesus Christ! No wonder Google Ads denied doing business with my Blog! It's filled with smut! And blasphemy!

Meanwhile (wow! I think this is my first 'meanwhile' segue so far today!), Lonar and Blue Beetle are looking to get into the teeny tiny Tolerance District. I'm pretty sure it's because Lonar needs to get his space motorcycle, Thunderer, out of Adonis's Storage Cube. Lonar drops the disguise on Blue Beetle so that Lonar can sneak into the tiny district while the crowd attempt to murder the fuck out of Blue Beetle. His only seeming defense is to take up the Bottled City and use it as a hostage.

Inside the Tiny Town, Lonar BOOOM tubes in and kills Adonis for the Storage Sphere (yeah, yeah. I got the shape wrong earlier!). Or seems to kill Adonis. Slugs are pretty elastic when it comes to concepts like "death" and "eating ones own genitalia."

I miss Captain K'rot's kitten-raccoon hybrid female friend.

Star Hawkins continues to star in his back-up story this issue as he heads off to meet the first ever contestant of The Hunted, the woman behind The Crimson Thrust. I kind of forget why he's going to see her though. Oh! It's probably because he's on a case! He's a Private Investigator of the Stars! He's super famous.

Before I continue, let me say that Larfleeze #1 wasn't as funny as I was hoping. I sort of expected that extending Larfleeze from eight pages to twenty might make the joke wear a little thin. But I also think it was just a bit of those "not sure how to set up the comic" first issue kind of blues. Although the initial characterization of Larfleeze and his beginnings was nicely under-emphasized. We were introduced to a character that had a tragic life but now lies about the tragedy of it, even to himself. Anyway, what I was trying to say is this: Keith Giffen is fucking funny. He does funny well. This Star Hawkins short has some good laughs in it. And, as such, I think a lot of people who read Larfleeze #1 and were disappointed should really give it another shot. I have to stick with it because of this blog but I'd stick with it anyway because I trust Giffen to provide some really good laughs, even if Larfleeze #1 missed the mark somewhat. I wrote all that just to scan this next bit in because it's well funny. I think "well funny" is how they say "it made me smile a little bit" in that old Shakespearean language they continue to speak in London Town.

Not the biggest fan of not so much either. Not! Wait. How many "not"s is that? Am I saying I'm a fan or not?!

And the Legend Star Hawkins is looking for? Well, it turns out to be...wait a second. Are you sure you want to hear this? It'll completely ruin the surprise for when you go to the comic book shop and purchase a copy of this comic book which is cancelled anyway so what the fuck do I care if you continue to support it? Oh! I know why! DC might see the rise in numbers as a reason to put out a solo Ember comic book! Here, I'll give it to you in code so that if you don't want to know, accidentally seeing the name won't spoil it for you. I'll just randomize the letters in her name: Lady Styx.

You know, sometimes when you take a thing that goes in a certain order and randomize that thing, it still comes out in the normal order. That's true randomness! Besides, the two "y"s were switched around.

Threshold #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. It gets a +1 for both stories because I'm a fucking pushover for a tree girl and a nagging, disembodied robotic head. I've really been going easy on DC's comics lately! I might as well be receiving kickbacks for all the +1s I've been giving out!