Convergence: Shazam #2

Batman wins.

The art in this issue was very much the art of this issue. The writing was as writingesque as it could be. The colors...oh! The colors! So colorful! And if you like characterization, did this comic book have characters! You couldn't find a better value for your $3.99 than this comic book. Even if an escort offered you a hypo full of heroin, oral sex, and a bowl of Fruity Pebbles while promising you'd never have to work another day in your life, your $3.99 would be better spent on Convergence: Shazam #2!

I should probably read the comic book now. I'm pretty sure I nailed the review though. For those of you who came here to read a comic book review, you should leave now because I won't be doing any more reviewing in the following paragraphs. I probably will barely even write about the comic book. But I might call Jeff Parker's mother a whore. You never know! Let's see where the journey takes us, shall we?

While blimps attack Fawcett City, Captain Marvel heads over to Gaslight Gotham. That's kind of him! Now Batman won't have to travel to beat Cap's ass. Don't worry about those blimps I mentioned destroying the city! Mary Marvel and Freddy Marvel and the Bulletpeople have stayed behind to destroy them.

Gaslight Batman has better gadgets than regular old Batman.

Batman leads Captain Marvel into a trap where Cap is electrocuted. But electricity is like water off a convict's back to Captain Marvel! He survives which impresses Batman who isn't easily impressed. Just ask Alfred and Robin and especially Catwoman who sometimes does that thing with the handle of her whip which Batman hardly even reacts to even though his urethra really isn't any bigger than most peoples.

Batman and Captain Marvel decide to team up because they're smarter than most of the other heroes who only decided to team up after punching each other for three-quarters of the comic book. Batman and Billy head into the sewers for reasons that I don't want to go into because they'll bore you. But once they're in the sewers, they encounter Killer Croc the Urchin which is super exciting! Have your nipples been stiffened?

Captain Marvel discovers that his nemesis, Giant Vibrator Man, has aligned himself with Gaslight Gotham and all of its miscreants like Joker the Ripper and Clay-Thug and Penguin Sideburns and Debtor's-Prison-Face and Mr. Steampunk Freeze and The Scare-Dandy and Harley Sweep and Mistress Ivy and Ye Olde Man-Bat and The Riddler. Even with this many opponents, I don't think Captain Marvel needs to worry. Batman decides to beat up Penguin Sideburns because Batman is lazy and weak. Captain Marvel can probably handle the rest.

Except Captain Marvel just leaves them all to Batman while he rips into Mr. Atom to find the real enemy of everybody.

Poor Mr. Mind. Always the Caterpillar, never the bridesmaid.

And that's it! There's an earthquake and everybody wins. Or loses. Whatever.

Convergence: Shazam #2 Rating: Seven Georgia Sivanas out of Ten because when she transforms into a lightning child, my pants become a semen waterfall. I wish I was through with the Convergence books! They're all about seven-eighths the same story! Just five left!

Divergence: Constantine the Hellblazer
"Rogue mage, notorious philanderer and superhero-hater John Constantine has been in trouble before, but never so deep as when he's forced to investigate his own infernal history."

How can John be forced to investigate his own history? Why doesn't he just say, "Okay! Looked into it and nothing strange! Everything's on the up and up! Cor blimey, me biscuits are moist!"

The Sneak Peek shows a John Constantine doing the dirty work that nobody else will do. And not because he's trying to save the world or be some kind of mystic hero. He's just letting people's pasts catch up to them before they cause any more trouble. Which might be part of the reason he's going to get into trouble himself. Seems his past is about to catch up to him too. I'll be glad for a John Constantine that isn't in love. Jesus, New 52 Constantine was annoying.

Convergence: Shazam #1

Possibly not safe for work!

No matter how heavy a person you are, I commend you on not being fatter. I just ate two Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs and I don't know why I'm not eating twenty more! They're so delicious! We should all be at least 100 pounds heavier than we all actually are. I applaud all of us for our willpower! People look at somebody like that guy that had to have a wall knocked out of his house to leave his bed and think there's something wrong with him. No fucking way. He just decided that he wasn't going to deny himself the pleasure of eating twenty Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs in one sitting. What I don't get is how we aren't all like that guy!

I gained about twenty pounds after my cat and best friend of fifteen years Judas died which puts me at about thirty pounds over the weight at which I feel comfortable. I gained the weight because I just decided fuck everything. I was going to eat a full bag of Oreos whenever I wanted because nothing fucking mattered. The thing is: why don't I think like that when I'm not depressed? The other thing is: I think like that when I'm manic!

Some people don't get fat because they actually treat food as a need and not as a fulfillment of a desire or a luxury. I absolutely do not fucking understand those people. My cousin Jay used to stop eating delicious food while there was still plenty left because he was "full." What the fuck is this "full" feeling?! All I know is that there is more delicious food to put inside of my stomach!

Everybody pat yourself on the back and help yourself to your favorite snack because you are thinner than you probably should be! We all are! Food is so fucking good!

Shazam's Fawcett City is being matched up with the Gotham City of the Gaslight Universe. I never read that universe but I think it has steam and corsets and fog and dandies. The issue begins at the best place any of these issues can begin! Planet Brainiac's speech is just ending and Billy Batson is standing there looking at a domeless sky and hoping that when he says his magic word, he'll be a massively muscled magic man again!

Also this issue was written by Jeff Parker so it might be about Shazam denying food to the people of Gaslight Gotham.

For some reason, Fawcett City's dome removal has been delayed although they've heard Telos give the drill to other cities. So Billy and Mary and Uncle Dudley and Tawny and the other ones all have to wait to turn into Marvels. Although Bulletman and the infantalized Bullet"girl" still have their powers! Whatever they are! I guess putting a bullet shaped bucket on their heads and flying around like idiots? They must use some of that technology that isn't quite improbable enough to have been shut down by the dome.

I'm going to have a third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg now!

Mary and Billy are kept busy acting like Hardy Drew and the Nancy Boys. They've got a mystery to solve and, by gum, they're going to solve it! Probably! Or maybe they'll just find a dark alley to kiss in and show each other their thingies! If I had been Billy's age and learned a magic word that turned me into a testosterone pumping man in a leotard, I wouldn't be able to fight crime ever! I'd just be walking around trying to hide my boner behind a math textbook and a Pee Chee folder!

Victim of Crime: "Help us, Captain Marvel! Help us!"
Me: "Umm...just a second! I'll be right...no, no. I have to, um, sit down in the corner for awhile."

Billy and Mary are following Uncle Dudley and Billy's boss Mister Morris because they've been acting strangely all year and now they've snuck off to do probably unspeakable things to each other. Unspeakable if you're a Christian, I mean! I'm from the Bay Area so whatever they're doing, I've probably seen it on television at least once while growing up.

I still haven't eaten my third Reese's Peanut Butter Egg yet! But I did go and grab it so I can stare longingly at it! I love you, Reese's Peanut Butter Egg.

Do you mean weird as in "my stomach feels warm and my labia seem to be swelling," Mary?

I scanned those two panels because I wanted to comment on young Mary's budding sexuality. But I also could have scanned the third panel as well and made some kind of young male prostitute joke about the orphaned Billy.

See? Jeff Parker, you cad!

I appreciate that Jeff Parker has really captured the tone of comics back in the old days. Every time you read one, it reads like a bunch of dirty pervs putting sexually coded messages into magazines they knew were being sold to young children who wouldn't understand the nasty shit they were reading.

This time it doesn't work out so well for Billy because he's scooped up by Mr. Atom! He's a gigantic dildo with arms and legs. He also grabs Mary in his fist and from the look on her face, she's not sure why she's feeling so tingly downstairs! I know, Mary! I know! It's the healthy healing power of vibrations!

"Onions, Billy! I feel like my head is going to blow off! In an extremely good way!"

Mr. Atom takes the kids (one of them is Freddy. Did I forget to mention Freddy joined up with the other two?) into the Monster Society of Evil's underground lair. There they find King Kull, the electrical engineer caveman, busy building something. Probably a bomb. It's always a bomb, isn't it?

Dudley enters with Mister Sterling Morris but it's not Uncle Dudley at all! It's...are you sitting down?!...Doctor Octopus's mind in Dudley's body! I mean Doctor Sivana! Oh no! It looks like the Marvels have finally met their match!

It isn't Dudley's real body. Sivana is just suffering from the curse of the dome in that whatever a person was shapechanged as when it fell, they remained in that guise. So Ibac has been stuck in the form of Sterling Morris for a year, and Sivana has been Dudley. Now they're throwing the kids in a cell with the real Dudley and Sterling just as Tawny the Tiger arrives to save them all!

As Tawny frees the kids, Mister Atom and King Kull enter to point out that the dome has fallen. And we all know what that means, right?

Captain Cheesecake! I mean Marvel!

The Marvels beat the crap, er, I mean tar out of the bad guys and bring the whole subway crashing down on everybody. When the dust clears, they look up into the sky to see a squadron of blimps attacking Fawcett City! It's the Gaslight Brigade!

Convergence: Shazam #1 Rating: Holy smoleys! What a terrific comic book! Jeff Parker nailed the tone! I love how this issue was a complete Billy Batson/Captain Marvel story where they investigate some strange occurrences, find the Monster Society of Evil at the heart of it, and subsequently defeat them handily. It's only after that tale is told that the Gaslight Blimps appear ready for part two. Fucking great job, Parker! And the art! Evan Shaner kicked my ass page after page and I just kept pleading for more! Loved this issue like a rented mule!

Why would anybody beat a rented mule? How cruel! I would love it and cherish it and feed it carrots while kissing it lots and lots!

Also, after having read it, I really feel awful about the inappropriate drawings I made beside Cap's head! Whoops!

The Multiversity: New Thunderworld Adventures #1

I hope he's called Captain Marvel in this so that he can say his own name without accidentally transforming.

This year, I'm going to steep myself in one of the most intellectually challenging television programs to ever air on network television: Friends! One episode per day for however many episodes there are! Probably like ten thousand. That's using exaggeration for comedic effect! Probably about as much comedic effect as the first episode of Friends contains! I think the first episode was mostly spent calibrating the levels on the laugh track. The rest of the episode was spent setting up the premise of the series which is that these characters are friends. Oh, it also introduced the characters! Monica is the one with a flat ass that wears potato sacks as clothing. Ross is literally a sack of potatoes. Chandler is the one that isn't as attractive as the others so he has to talk about his dreams a lot. Phoebe is the one that doesn't get as many lines as the others because she believes in wacky doodle things. Joey is the one that loves to fuck women and needs a haircut. And Rachel is the rich one that doesn't know how to live life. But she's going to learn with some help from her new friends!

From now on, my Friends Updates will appear after the comic book commentary so I don't bore everybody with intellectual criticism that's even more abstruse than my usual comic book critiques. I hope if you're interested in learning more about one of the greatest works of art ever to have been created and shown on prime time network television to millions of people who couldn't process what they were seeing because they simply didn't have the deep theological, ontological, historical, and entomological background needed to truly appreciate Friends, you won't be too intimidated by my grandiose language and join me on a journey of true discovery! Plus I think later there is a monkey in it!

Until my next Friends update, we'll immerse ourselves in less highbrow waters by reading the next tale in Grant Morrison's "The Multiversity" series. This one takes place on Thunderworld, an aptly named Earth because people that yell "Shazam!" cause thunder and lightning. Or maybe just certain people who found themselves in front of an old wizard who gave them the power of the Rock of Eternity. And then a whole slew of other people (and a tiger!) that Billy Batson decided to share his power with. What a good kid, that Billy!

Our story begins, as every true Captain Marvel story does, at The Rock of Eternity where the old wizard Shazam is suddenly faced with a rival Rock!

It's a tale of science versus magic! Although probably not as satisfying as the tale on the same topic being woven by Ann Nocenti over in Klarion.

By speaking Dr. Sivana's name aloud, his children now become Scientific Marvels! Obviously superior than the crappy old Magic Marvels that rely on superstition and make-believe to power them.

Holy heck! What's going on in my pants area?! SHAAAAAAAAZAM!

Down in Fawcett City, Billy Batson encounters Billy Batson from one day in the future! Unless it's two days in the future since the calendar suddenly contains a new day called Sivanaday. That's the day Captain Marvel is killed by Black Sivana, his brother, and their sister with the huge swooners and the long gams and the tight little mini-skirt!

Holy heck! What's that funny feeling I'm feeling inside my lower belly?!

Captain Marvel lets out his mighty Marvel Whistle to summon the rest of the Marvel Family to help battle the Sivana Family. Oh man. I hope Mary Marvel isn't as hot as Georgia, Sivana's daughter, because I might just go crazy with lust! I'd better pull out my mattress full of cornflakes so I don't get any funny ideas tonight!

Doctor Sivana has learned about the Multiverse and its parallel Earths by reading Grant Morrison's comic books. Now the Doctor Sivana's across all the universes have teamed up to create Sivanaday, the Day In Which Captain Marvel Dies! One of Doctor Sivana's counterparts is a snake. Is he Doctor Hissivana? Ha ha! That's just the kind of witty joke that the residents of Fawcett City would appreciate, seeing as how it wasn't blue at all!

Now Doctor Sivana is turning the Rock of Eternity into a cube farm. He's putting down awfully cheap carpet, installing florescent lights, and sprucing the place up with potted cacti. I'm sure the motivational posters and the Human Resources department aren't far behind. Doctor Sivana has realized the one true way to suck the magic out of the heart of the world: turn it into an office!

Arg! Whack! Oof! I think...I think...NO! The wizard is getting a case of the Mondays!

As Captain Marvel battles the Sivana Family, The Marvel Family shows up to, um, battle the Sivana Family too! Maybe I should have thought a little harder on that sentence construction. But I was kind of distracted by the strangest feelings in my lower body. It's as if I really need to pee but in a super good way!

Look at where her arm...and the way her leg...oh...oh my...*shudder*.

Junior knocks Black Junior to the moon while Georgia compares her body with Mary Marvel's. If "compare" is the right word! Why am I suddenly picturing apples and oranges?! Big, ripe, luscious oranges and little, tiny perky apples?

Somebody's about to wish they were wearing something other than spandex!

Junior tricks Georgia into saying "Sivana" and she turns back into her regular old self. Well, that was a stupid plan, Junior. Although if I were confronted with her, um, her, well, her everything and I was wearing spandex, I'd probably want her to not look like she's been looking because total embarrassment, right?! I mean, not for me though! Everybody would look at my pants area and say, "Whoa. Why do they call you Junior?!"

I hope guys with big dongs brag about their big dongs so it doesn't look like I'm bragging about having a big dong because I might have a little dong! I mean, they do because my dong is so big, you wouldn't believe! But not too big if too big is undesirable to the ladies! Then it's the perfect size, probably! No wait! It's a little bigger than the perfect size! Which is actually the perfect size!

While the Mavels battled the Sivanas, Doctor Sivana let loose The Monster Society!

It's Tawny the Tiger! Silly tiger! Monster-hunting weapons are for kids!

Captain Marvel heads to the Rock of Eternity to punch Doctor Sivana's teeth straight! All of the other Doctor Sivanas are giddy with blood lust!

Well, most of them, anyway.

On board the scientific Rock of Eternity, Captain Marvel confronts the true Black Sivana, a monster created from pure science which seems a lot like magic. Captain Marvel kind of points out the same thing. But first he needs to travel to yesterday to warn himself to not ignore the warning which he warned himself of yesterday. The warning makes Captain Marvel aware that Sivanaday is the shortest day of the year because the Alternate Earth Sivanas cheated Earth-5 Sivana by giving him shitty Suspemdium! And once Sivanaday ends, Black Sivana is no more! Captain Marvel wins again!

Oh man how I would wreck that smile. Um, I mean, three cheers for the Marvel Family! Hip hip hooray! And two more!