Justice League International Special #1 (1990)

This looks as shitty as an annual.

How was younger me so bamboozled by comic book continuity that he kept purchasing all of these extra issues that invariably had nothing to do with continuity? Okay, I know how that sounds. "How was younger you bamboozled by continuity if he kept buying books that had nothing to do with continuity?" I see where you're confused. Younger me didn't know they weren't going to have anything to do with continuity. That might sound stupid and naïve but I really thought, "If I don't get every comic book labeled 'Justice League,' I'm going to miss out on something important!" I remember my main concern with death as a teenager was that I'd never find out what happened in my comic book stories! Imagine that! I was so young and dumb that I thought the stories would culminate in some kind of satisfying resolution instead of just going on and on and on with characters never actually changing or growing! At least my grandmother's soap operas actually had characters aging along with their actors so there was some illusion of movement in their lives! But with comic books, I was afraid to miss out on the next eighteen times Batman battled The Joker only to throw him in Arkham where he eventually escapes for a story slightly altered from previous issues.

Anyway, that's how I wound up with this stupid Mister Miracle World Tour. What the fuck is this shit? Why should I care?! Don't the Justice League ever do anything that has to do with justice in any way?! They're nearly as bad as The Titans who never once helped New York City and almost always destroyed part of it while fighting evil family members bent on revenge. Remember Councilwoman Alderman and how Marv Wolfman tried to portray her as the bad guy for wanting to shut down the Titans and send them packing from her city? Remember how every time she'd point out how dangerous they were to her city, we, the readers, would think, "She's really got a good point! They never do anything but fight their mothers and fathers! What good are they?!" Councilwoman Alderman was the true hero of that book!

The story begins with Manga Khan headed back to Earth. He's the guy who talks to himself a lot, has an assistant named L-Ron, and runs an intergalactic home shopping network. Apparently somebody on Earth has purchased something without reading the fine print so he's on his way to, I don't know, blow it up or something.

Kilowog is going to be pretty pissed off when he finds the monitor full of crossbow bolts.

See? My joke was riffing on The Huntress explaining that she has talents better suited to something else but those talents are mostly just shooting crossbow bolts! I needed to explain that because people who read comic books and comic book "reviews" are kind of dumb. I mean, have you read comic book reviews sites?! They're fucking boring (especially those guys at my nemesis site! I'd link the site but I fucking forgot who they were. My only clue to their identity was that they somehow loved Scott Lobdell and would often blow Neal Adams' post-New-52 stuff (which was frankly unreadable)). And have you read comic books? Holy shit do they suck!

The Huntress points out that the JLI monitor is fully automated and Oberon responds with, "Suck it, toots!" Then he stomps off thinking, "What a dumb whore! Thinking a fully-automated system could actually do monitor duty itself!" I mean, yeah, fucknuts. Perhaps if it can't, stop telling everybody it's fully automated. Sounds like maybe it's partially automated, or not-at-all automated. Fucking bald bureaucratic piece of shit.

I just wanted to add this as proof that Oberon thought the things he thought (okay, maybe not "dumb whore") and that Fire looks hot in her ripped-up jeans.

Fire picks up Oberon and kisses him goodbye so I can only assume that his underpants are now caked in semen.

Oberon laments that Funky Flashman is helping run Mister Miracle's World Tour. I guess that means this issue is going to be full of jabs at Stan Lee because Funky Flashman is based on Stan Lee. I think. I don't do research; I just rely on whatever my brain thinks it knows. It works out about 60% of the time!

Beetle convinces Booster to go on a date with him to "Medison Square Gardens" to see the start of Mister Miracle's World Tour. It's definitely a date because Booster Gold feels the need to point out that he's only after romance. No dick tonight.

At least I think that's what he's saying here. I can't fucking figure out any other interpretation.

Luckily The Huntress is on monitor duty so that she can see the alert about Manga Khan's ship approaching Earth. An alert that apparently couldn't have been automated to alert individual members of the Justice League via their Justice League Alert Thingamabobs. She informs Martian Manhunter of Manga Khan's approach and he sighs and rolls his eyes and contemplates suicide.

Fire and Ice agreed to be Booster and Beetle's beards.

Hoo boy. I feel a quick summation of the rest of the comic coming followed by a low rating and a slight depression ruining the rest of my night as I contemplate how shitty my life turned out. This special is just so fucking dumb. No wonder it's taken me over a week to read this thing. My subconscious probably remembered how terrible it was and kept forcing me to do other things, like play X-Com 2 or masturbate.

Anyway, everybody winds up on Manga Khan's ship wondering whether they should be kicking his ass or not. Except Guy, of course. He kicks the asses of a bunch of robots before somebody calms his dumb ass down. Because Manga Khan isn't here to fight! He's here to insist that Mister Miracle fulfill the contract Funky Flashman got him to sign where Scott agrees to tour the universe promoting "The Miracle Mister," a cleaning appliance. If you don't get it, that's okay because it's fucking stupid.

Did I mention Oberon was dressed up like a clown for the performance? Probably because Funky Flashman demanded it and nobody goes against Funky Flashman's demands or else they spend the next fifty years of their lives watching the corporation they worked for make billions of dollars off off of their imagination. Oh, even if they didn't go against his demands, I think that happened too. Not like DC was ever any better (because Funky Flashman is Stan Lee, remember? So I'm talking about Marvel here, and Jack Kirby!). But since DC has a character based on Stan Lee, they can write a comic book that says, "Careful about the contract you sign with Stan Lee! He's just going to use you to get rich and promote himself while also taking as much of the credit as possible! Not like us here at DC! You'll notice Marvel doesn't have a character based on any of our editorial management and that's not because we're all boring pricks!"

Since Mister Miracle has been Shanghai'd by Manga Khan and Funky Flashman, a robot Mister Miracle has been created to take his place in the pages of Justice League America. Which means this entire "Special" was created simply to explain how Mister Miracle is in space on tour with Manga Khan in the pages of his own comic book and still goofing around in the Justice League comic book. So all that bullshit about how I was always buying all the Specials and Annuals even though they were never much for continuity was completely wrong. This comic book exists simply for continuity's sake! And it shows because it's fucking terrible! And boring! Although Fire has a few good cleavage shots so it wasn't a total waste of my time.

Justice League International Special #1 Rating: D-. I hated every minute I spent reading this comic book. And now I have to live with the knowledge that I read it fucking twice.

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Metal Men!

I really don't care about the Metal Men part of this comic book.

Could it be true? Could it be that we...were too free?! Before I get on with my point, let me just start by saying I'm not suggesting we should corral stupid people and butcher them for their meat! I mean, that's probably going too far. But maybe we should consider demoting them to the level of urban wildlife, on par with squirrels, raccoons, and opossum? If a stupid person tries to make conversation with me in public, shouldn't I be allowed to swat them away with a broom while yelling, "Shoo! Shoo!" or "Oh my god it probably has rabies!"? I don't know how we can test the intelligence of everybody in the country to see who gets what rights but I think I have an idea! We seem to be okay with enacting laws that make it more difficult to vote, right? So how about each ballot comes inside a puzzle box that must be solved before the vote can be cast! This will limit the amount of dumb people who get to ruin a pretty good system. It might also accidentally send a few people to hell but I think Americans have shown that they'd totally be okay with that.

At first I thought maybe the voting booths could be inside of garbage cans to test people's intelligence but then we'd have a spate of raccoons voting. They might even win some districts. Before you know it, we'd have a bowl of cat food for president and a bird bath for vice-president. I mean, we sort of had that from 2001 to 2008, so I think the country would survive.

That's probably a good enough segue to begin discussing the Metal Men. I mean, I did mention garbage cans.

This issue begins with Chemo attacking the Metal Men and their new friends, the Other Metal Men.

This was written before the U.S. election. So I think there's a new bar for a worst day ever.

The Narrator of this comic book refers to the Metal Men as "our heroes." They're not my heroes! The Metal Men are the kind of characters people like when they're kids and then continue to like into adulthood simply for nostalgic reasons. I never liked them as a kid and so I'm not saddled with the nostalgia of having spent lonely Saturdays reading Metal Men comic books nursing the fat lip I got from trying to make a friend. Now that I'm almost mature, I certainly have no taste for these silly creatures. Although I do like Doc Magnus. He's sophisticated. He smokes a pipe and enjoys butt stuff! I don't do one of those things but I still admire him! He's so grown up and mature!

So the Metal Men (Not My Heroes!) are now battling Chemo. Do they always battle Chemo? Doesn't Chemo just look like a big container of Mountain Dew that was shaken too hard and possibly pissed in?

You can probably guess how I read this the first time.

Chemo burps green chowder all over the street as Doc Magnus and Doc Lace (who is also probably into butt stuff and smoking things) argue. Doc is all, "Did you do this?!" And Doc is all, "I did not!" And then Doc is all, "We should have this conversation later when our lives are not threatened!" And Doc is all, "Yeah!" And then Doc is all, "But did you do this?!" I don't have to explicate that anymore, do I? You can see why it's hilarious, right?

I just realized that this Doc Magnus is a younger, less dapper version of himself. Instead of smoking a pipe, he wears goggles. So I still only do one of the things this Doc Magnus does!

Chemo kills Silicon because nobody cared about a Metal Man made out of Silicon! It's possible Len Wein could have made one that people cared about. He could have worn a bow tie while trying to catch the eye of some angels to get his start-up going! He could have been all, "I'm an up and coming young go-getter who won't take no for an answer! I'm also willing to screw over my friends and associates to get an investment for my app! And when I say 'my app,' I mean the app I conned a bunch of other people into making who were all paid by the hour and didn't get a stake in the final product because it was my intellectual idea! And when I say 'my intellectual idea,' I mean the idea of my friends who didn't understand contract law and lost all of their rights to the project!" Man, I'm glad Silicon is dead! He was a total douche!

And then, in the middle of the battle, I find myself shocked. I'm not easily shocked either! That previous panel I scanned could have had a printing error that printed the way I read it anyway and I would have shrugged and gotten on with my life. But in the middle of the battle against Chemo, I find myself aghast! Agog! Amazed at what I'm seeing! And, if I'm honest, a little bit turned on!

Does Lead always masturbate during battle?

Before anybody decides they're going to explain what the picture above really is, just fucking relax and take a breath. Enjoy the absurdity of my fucking commentaries and stop trying to make sure everybody knows exactly what the fuck is going on at all times. You're being a patronizing twat. I commented on the cover of Scooby Apocalypse #4, "I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out." I said this because the artist drew Scooby's tongue exactly where Shaggy's cock would be if it were sticking out of his zipper. And the tongue looked exactly like a flaccid, uncircumcised cock! But some idiotic shit had to reply, "That's Scooby's tongue." Yeah, no shit, fucktwit! Relax! Chill out! Let people say things that are stupid and hilarious and make you see the world differently than maybe you might have seen it before. Especially when all that person seems to see are dicks.

Mother Machine reveals herself (I mean, re-reveals herself since I think, last issue, she already declared she needed to take action herself) and explains her plans to the reader. This is all because she wants a Responsometer! She describes a Responsometer as "a baseball-sized computer that allows the Metal Men to act independently of the Internet." That's what makes the Responsometer so special? That it works without being linked to the Internet?! That's hardly special! I thought what made the Responsometer so special was that it gave the robots sentience and emotions and that it also fits smoothly up one's rear end.

Back to the fight, Iron is rusted completely and dies. That's okay though because he can be rebooted later. It's also okay because I don't care about any of the Metal Men! They're a lot like Cyborg and Red Tornado and Robotman in that they usually wind up getting destroyed in the climactic battle. But their essence lives on in like a hard drive or tape cassette or something. So it doesn't really matter what happens to their bodies.

Platinum is killed and I sort of feel bad about that because I always liked the way she tried to fuck Superman in the old comic books I used to read on Saturday afternoons! And then Lithium dies as well. Now who's going to help lift everybody's spirits when the battle is over?!

After the military officer claims responsibility for this whole fiasco (it's always the military's fault! Just after the butler!), Gold declares that the Metal Men and the Other Metal Men must work together to stop Chemo. Hey! What a great idea! A team of heroes acting in concert and with a plan! I mean, the plan will probably be "Everybody rush Chemo at once!" which they did try earlier (although Lead stood by jerking off). But this is the end of the last issue! So it's different now! It'll work this time! Probably!

Aluminum dies almost immediately. Probably because everybody was pronouncing his name the American way and he was all, "But it's Al-loo-min-ium! It's All-loo-AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHH!" After Al, it's Gold's turn to die!

"--art, Lisa!"

Mercury dies immediately after Gold dies winning the bet that his last words would be a totally hilarious impersonation. I'm beginning to suspect that all of the Metal Men are going to die so that Mother Machine can pop in, take the Responsometer out of Chemo, and fuck off to wherever she's been hiding since she destroyed the Blackhawks.

Mother Machine isn't allowed to be the hero because Tin needs to be the hero. The most useless Metal Men of them all! Somehow none of the other metals were strong enough to pierce Chemo's outer shell. But Tin turns himself into a javelin and shoots straight through Chemo, removing the Responsometer as he passes through Chemo! Wow! I only thought tin was good for storing beans and wrapping up sandwiches for picnics before being replaced by aluminum!

Doc Magnus picks up Chemo's Responsometer and is about to do what he always does with Responsometers before he's interrupted.

Doc, you should probably wash Chemo off of that before you shove it up there.

Mother Machine is sucked into Chemo's Responsometer because that's how they work? Or something? Doc Magnus decides it's safe to just give the Mother Machine Responsometer to the military and head home. That should work out well! Once he's home, he revives his Metal Men the way he always does after they're slaughtered in the final battle. He's not able to save most of the Other Metal Men. He only manages to keep Copper which is probably a good thing since the Metal Men had way too many dicks in it already. That's the good news! The bad news is that he decided to change their looks. He calls an upgrade but I call it Yeeeeeuuuuccch!

Mostly I hate this new look. But I do like the addition of a huge red penis to Gold.

The Review!
Why the fuck does DC keep thinking characters need cosmetic updates? I suppose I agree with them when they accidentally change a look for the better. But what is this unholy design they've chosen for the Metal Men? Somebody get Ann Nocenti on the phone so she can learn the actual definition of Uncanny Valley now! No wait! Don't rouse her! Let her sleep the sleep of the ages in whatever cave she's slouched on back to! Didn't they change the look of the Metal Men in the early 90s? In that mini-series with the shiny metallic cover on the first issue! I just read it in the last couple of years and I remember nothing about it! Why do I even bother doing things with my life when I can't retain any memory of the events?! I should just sit in front of the television playing Overwatch!

Swamp Thing #6

In the fight of the century, Zatanna's vagina loses to her leotard!

 The Review or Whatever!
Just in case you haven't read this issue yet and you just love having stories spoiled, either because you're filled with a false passion that pretends to a passion for knowing things before you experience them or because you never intended to read this comic book any way, I'm going to expose the big twist in this comic book right now: Len Wein name drops a few poets. They're a couple of the typical poets that are easy to name drop because everybody knows them: Robert Frost and T.S. Eliot. When you want readers to know you're super literate and intelligent enough to appreciate poetry (which, let's face it, you have to have something weird going on in your head (like a high IQ!) to appreciate all of that rhyming--and sometimes even non-rhyming!--gobbledygook!), you can't be dropping names that they might not recognize like John Betjeman and those other ones nobody remembers without grabbing an anthology of poetry and flipping through the pages to find some more names to list other than John Betjeman! Like, um, Patrick Kavanagh? He's a poet? I guess? And, um, Louise Bogan?

No wait! I just realized the big twist was that Matt Cable's body was actually possessed by Anton Arcane and now Anton Arcane is the Swamp Thing! Holy goose penises! The world is in big trouble! Except that this is the final issue of the limited series, so I think the world will be fine. So it isn't ending in fire or ice or with a bang or with a whimper or choked by plants. It's just going to keep going on and on and on. Of course, that's what would happen anyway, even with the fire or the ice or the bangs or the whimpers or the plants! But then, we understand that when somebody says "the end of the world," they actually mean "the end of all human life on the world which is really basically the same thing, and which probably includes the dolphins as well, leaving no intelligence grand enough to think about existence, or consider any scale larger than the creature's own sphere of needs." Effectively, that would kill "the world" because nothing would be left that could conceive of the world. But Earth itself would keep chugging right along. We all understand that, right? Because I'm sick to death of people who hear the phrase "destroying the Earth" and respond "the Earth will be fine!" Yeah, we know that, chicken dumpling! What people are concerned with saving is a world in which humans can continue to live in peace and prosperity and little private dwellings where they can masturbate in peace and quiet!

Is that a good enough review? I haven't even finished reading the comic book yet! But I have a stupid friend coming into town for couple days that is going to completely throw off my schedule! And just when I was getting my backlog down to one week of comics! I mean, a lot of my comics in my stack have been there for far longer than one week! But that's because I keep putting the Rebirth stuff first. One week behind to me is having only 14 comics in the stack before new comics come out on Wednesday! So, um, what that means is I'm too busy for a proper review! Especially since I have to go pick up that jerk friend at the airport in about an hour! And I have to go catch Pokémon! They're all getting away!

Never mind how ridiculous it would be to have ensure a fair fight when fighting for the fate of all humankind! I'm curious as to what the fuck pose Zatanna is trying to strike?!

Etta Candy and Steve Trevor discuss how to save the world from Swamp Thing. Their top two options are sending in Seal Team Six and nuking Louisiana. I suppose that's some kind of joke? That Seal Team Six is so great at their job (which is killing, I guess? Being good at killing is heroic?) that they're almost as good as just nuking a place. That doesn't sound like a good comparison, does it? I suppose Seal Team Six is who you send in to kill precisely but with the efficiency of a nuclear bomb! Or, just use the nuke, if you don't give a shit about the people of Louisiana because, let's face it, do we?

I'm fairly certain the ARGUS scenes are parody or satire or one of those things where you portray an organization as ridiculous in a matter-of-fact way. It's social commentary or something. Or maybe Len Wein just hates ARGUS and Steve Trevor and New and Less-Improved Etta Candy (aka Baby Amanda)?

Zatanna and Alec use the Hand of Fatima to reverse the spell and Alec is once again the Swamp Thing. After that, Anton Arcane mistakes The Spectre for Jesus and winds up getting dragged to hell. See, Jesus would never do that! I mean, not literally. He doesn't sully his hands with the physical dragging of souls to hell. He just damns everybody right from the get go by covering his ears and screaming "LALALALALALALA!" whenever they say or do anything until they say, "I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior!" And also they must have to say it in just the right way or Jesus won't believe them. Because I've said it out loud many times but never actually meant it. I don't mean to suggest I've said it in an attempt to fool Jesus Christ just in case he was really the son of God (he wasn't, if he existed at all). I just meant there have been times I've needed to say that phrase in a conversation where I was probably shitting all over Jesus's supposed merit badges. Anyway, my point is that Jesus Christ is sending everybody to hell for his ego's sake and we're supposed to believe he's merciful? One thing I'm fairly certain isn't in the definition of mercy is "declarations of fealty with horrible strings attached."

Kelley Jones and Michelle Madsen do a masterful job with Etrigan.

Another silly ARGUS scene and the story is almost over! There's just time for a final scene between Swamp Thing and The Phantom Stranger. It will probably go something like this:

Swamp Thing: "This sucks!"
The Phantom Stranger: "I can't help you! I'm not allowed! Stop asking me for favors!"
Alec Holland: "I want my dick back."

Swamp Thing #5

The Review or Whatever!
I wound up in my father-in-law and his wife's garden shed last week (never mind how!) and noticed that they had four or five big containers of Roundup stored inside. Seriously? It's not that I began judging them for using Roundup. If somebody wants to purchase and use poison from Monsanto, who am I to vociferously point out that they're monsters? What I did judge them for is how they are loudly and adamantly opposed to Monsanto's bullshit practices that hurt farms and reduce the amount of variety in agricultural yields and yet they're still buying Monsanto's products when it suits their own needs and desires! This is the problem I have with most people and their supposed belief system. Their belief system only really means anything when it's stopping other people from pursuing their wants, needs, and desires. But if it somehow gets in the way of keeping pests out of your garden? Well, I guess an exception can be made to any belief. It's the same problem I have with people crying out for forgiving college tuition. Look, I'm all for free college education but if you think the system that currently exists where people pay exorbitant rates and wind up in debt for decades is wrong, don't fucking participate in that system. Even if it fucking means you don't get a "real" college education. Sometimes the person making sacrifices for their beliefs and their ethics will wind up being you. Don't always expect other people to make those sacrifices for you. Or go to a State school nearby one of the big name universities and spend all your free time at the big name campus meeting people. Because that's the only real benefit of expensive universities! It's getting into the right crowds and getting to know the people who move in those circles. The name of the school on the degree barely matters when you can wink at the person in the interview and name drop all the right names!

The college tuition thing is, of course, an easy one for me to argue about since I got my college education in the nineties. But it was still expensive, depending on where you went. I chose to go to San Jose State University where tuition was maybe $6000 a year? I think? I don't remember! Maybe that was a semester but then that sounds like way too much for SJSU! Whatever it was, it was affordable. Of course, I now clean floors for a living with my San Jose State University Literature Degree, so maybe I'm wrong about the need to go to a better, more expensive school. Although I think my main problem with my status in life is my lack of ambition and my missing need to prove anything to my absentee father. Hell, my main reason to go to college was that I wasn't ready to be an adult. And my main reason for getting a literature degree was because reading and writing about what I read is what I enjoyed doing. I wasn't thinking about my future career. Also, I own my floor cleaning business, so maybe I'm doing better than I've actually presented myself as doing.

I'm not saying everybody has to be a martyr! But you should realize that if you have a problem with the system, participating within the rules and confines of that system is only helping to perpetuate that system. Maybe not participating won't destroy the system, but at least you can serve as an example to others that they can get along a different way. And if enough people get along in a different way, living outside of the regular system becomes a second, viable option for future dissidents! It's much tougher now that the frontier has disappeared. It must have been nice when all you had to do when you disagreed with the majority was to pack up a suitcase and head West. It must have been even nicer when heading West just meant climbing into a covered wagon instead of climbing on board a rickety old ship to cross the Atlantic. Fleeing from a system to set up your own somewhere else is always easier than changing the system, even if you have to genocide some people to live your dreams of freedom. At times like that, you just invent some stupid phrase like "Manifest Destiny" and you're suddenly not as evil as the system you were fleeing from! Unless it was the evil system that invented that phrase in the first place to manipulate disgruntled people into leaving the cities where they were just causing trouble and sending them out West to do their dirty work for them by killing the natives.

You know what? Never mind! Anything you do, you're probably doing at the behest of our lizard lords! Maybe we should all just give up and enjoy the next season of our favorite television shows. And if that gets too boring, we can all get angry over a stupid comic book.

Yeah! Why do I think I'm Scooby Doo?! I can't unmask the evils of the world! I'm just as biased as everybody else! I just happened to read Catch-22 and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest and The Grapes of Wrath and I suddenly think I can beat the fucking system!

Matt Cable, the new Swamp Thing, has just made demands of the world's leaders to give control to him and the plants. That's probably not going to happen because leaders love their power and think that by retaining their power, they're making a stand for the world! In actuality, all they're doing is gambling the innocent lives of everybody they're supposedly working for and making a stand to retain their own power in the hopes that Swamp Thing is bluffing. The only way that Matt Cable can be stopped is if Alec Holland can figure out a way to reverse the spell that gave Matt the power. But he can't do that underground, so The Phantom Stranger whisks him away to Nanda Parbat. I suppose that's not really helping since The Phantom Stranger isn't allowed to help, according to some cosmic rulebook he never shows anybody. I think he's really just lazy.

Once Alec Holland gets what he needs in Nanda Parbat which is the Clenched Fist of Fatima, he has to walk home. So I guess the world is going to end long before he can get back to Louisiana. Unless, of course, Steve Trevor and ARGUS can think of something!

The Titans are off planet? Why the fuck are the Titans off planet?! It's not like Starfire is still in the group! Not like they'd help anyway. What about reaching out to Spyral? They have Midnighter and Apollo's home number!

ARGUS will probably just fuck everything up and make it worse since they pretty much represent the American Military in this scenario. Military might can't save the day against a Plant God! Although they do have napalm and DDT, so maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, Alec manages to hitch a ride to Gotham via The Phantom Stranger so that he can get some help from The Spectre. You know? God sure has a lot of servants in the DC Universe for a guy who doesn't interfere and has a whole bunch of rules about letting people free will it up themselves.

Alec introduces The Spectre to the Clenched Fist of Fatima and says, "We need to talk." Hee hee. I bet.

Swamp Thing #4

Alec's got quite the body for a biochemist. Although it's rather shitty for a botanist.

The Review
I have no idea how this series reads to younger audiences but I'm enjoying it because it's such a throwback to the comic books I read when I was younger. Everything about it hearkens back to pre-Crisis DC Comics books: the look, the written style, the thought balloons, the writer, Zatanna's extreme level of horniness. Maybe that last only existed in my head back when I was younger although I do remember her trying to fuck Blue Devil back when she wore a jumbo shrimp on her head. So I think Zatanna has constantly been trying to get laid. I bet she's fucked the entire Justice League. She's my hero. This wasn't much of a "The Review" section, was it? Fuck it. I'm crap at this part anyway. If you're into old Swamp Thing comic books, this book is probably going to be up your whatever. I can't bother to think of the word I was going to use because I'm imagining what Zatanna would do to Cyborg.

The Commentary
This is an appropriate series for one of these throwback covers that present the potential purchaser with the crazy "What the fuck?!" scenario that will be taking place within the comic book. Covers like this were important in a time when young kids didn't collect entire runs of comic books but instead, each week, picked a few with the most outrageous stories from off of the spinner rack at the corner store. These were comics bent over at the middle from being packed into the metal slots and already well-fondled and sticky from other kids having already read them in the store. I generally prefer covers that don't scream some absurdity into my face in the hopes that I'll buy a single issue in the run of a series because I couldn't pass up the cover's claim of wacky antics supposedly going on inside. I've become a fan of covers that create a consistent mood from month to month, like The Omega Men or the early I, Vampire issues at the beginning of The New 52. DC also seems to love variant covers although I can't imagine why. I understand why they like the limited edition variant covers because those generally only go to shops who buy a certain amount of the issue with the regular cover. But what are the advantages of doing things like the John Romita Jr. variant months? It boggles my mind that DC sells enough extra copies to pay for the additional art work from the artist. I just buy whichever cover my comic book shop shoves into my pullhole. But I suppose there are John Romita Jr fans who must purchase every single one of his variant covers even if they don't normally read the series on which the cover appears, right? Are there rabid fans of John Romita Jr? I get why DC would shove Harley Quinn on all of the covers but minimalist art by John Romita Jr where everybody looks like a character from Kick Ass? That strains my credulity!

So last month in Swamp Thing, Zatanna had just helped Alec Holland get his body back while turning Matt Cable into the new Swamp Thing. Zatanna knew this was going to be the result of the spell but she never informed Alec. You would think that would be something Zatanna would have made clear being that she's supposedly Alec's friend. But instead she kept acting mysterious about the price Matt Cable would pay. I guess Alec could have stopped obsessing over having a human penis again and actually stopped the ritual to ask, "What the fuck is this price you people keeping talking about?" Especially since he just recently went through the same thing in his New 52 comic book. Will he never learn? Maybe Plant Gods can't form new memories so he simply didn't remember the previous incident.

I'm fairly certain he believed you were going to die, Matt, which is probably why he avoided asking too many questions.

The conversation about the price is finally broached with Alec being all "Nobody told me!" and Zatanna being all "I assumed you knew! I kept saying 'The price! The price!' and you kept saying 'Just get on with it, Madame Xanadu!'" and Matt going all "Ha ha! Sucker!" Alec even says, "We talked around it." See? He knew he was avoiding knowing the price because he just assumed his friend Matt was going to die and Alec wanted to be human badly enough to not want to know! Coward!

Oh, don't you start peppering everything you say with 'literally' as well, Zatanna! I expect that kind of overused, boring, exaggerated emphasis from Madame Xanadu but you?! You're better than that!

This horror story takes a literally weird turn once Zatanna literally informs Alec that he literally can't change back except by a literal act of God. It literally becomes a romance story.

I guess Zatanna helped out because she wanted to be fucked by a Plant God!

Alec cannot think of one thing he'd want to do now that he's human after all this time as a plant? He doesn't fucking deserve humanity! I've been human for the last 44 years and I'm desperate to masturbate and eat a huge slice of carrot cake simply because I've been stuck reading this stupid comic book for the last ten minutes! I haven't been unable to enjoy these things for years and I'm still jonesing to enjoy them. Surely Alec Holland has been dreaming of something human! Even if it's just having a really solid bowel movement! Which, you know, maybe that's what it is being that he's too embarrassed to tell Zatanna.

The thing Alec came up with only after a bit of prodding is...pancakes! He's fucking missed pancakes! I want to judge him for that but I listed "carrot cake" in my desires so I'm going to let him have his boring ass desire. I really wish Len Wein would have gone for broke and had Alec say, "A huge cock in my mouth! God, how I've missed huge cocks in my mouth!"

Zatanna was actually fishing when she asked Alec about what he wanted because apparently she's the one who wants a huge cock in her mouth. She gets naked in front of Alec (who is also naked) and hands him her robes.

Matt, you're making the moment a little creepy.

When I turn the page, Alec and Matt are back in the swamps of Louisiana having been teleported there by Zatanna. So now I just have to imagine the three way orgy over pancakes? Fucking bullshit, man.

Instead of leaving the swamp, Alec decides to hang around and help train Matt. Eventually they run across a poacher so that Alec can see his friend at work and, afterward, say, "You're being Swamp Thing wrong! That's not how I did it! Do it my way!"

I guess this entire series is simply about how Alec is a micro-manager and a control freak.

Alec quickly learns that his friend doesn't give a shit about him. Matt just wanted power and immortality and no penis. Matt has decided to take over the world and where better to start than Houma, Louisiana? I mean where better that's close to the swamp!

Matt Cable builds a throne so he looks regal when he makes his demands to the world and then he uses some vines to pull Alec Holland underground. I guess it's the end of the world.

Swamp Thing #3

Time to write an insightful piece about old school Swamp Thing in moder...booooooooooooooooobies.

I think Americans would get more work done if the female breast were demystified in our culture. I don't mean in a feminist way because guys are going to want to touch any boob they see no matter how much enlightenment is shoved down their throats. I just mean that if female nipples were ubiquitous, men (and lesbians!) wouldn't spend so much time and effort trying to get glimpses of them. Or thinking about what they might look like! Because now all I can think about are the various possible nipple configurations hidden away under Zatanna's waistcoat! I'm also wondering what her puckered little butthole looks like but that's probably less men (and lesbians!) in general and more me and my kinks.

Now I'm also wondering what Swamp Thing's butthole looks like. Did he bother to form one in his need to look like a human while composed of plants? He doesn't feel the need to build a cock on his body which strikes me as something that should be pursued in a Swamp Thing story. How much effort does it take to build a body that looks human? How much thought is put behind the details? If it's subconscious, why doesn't Alec have a penis on his body? What's his hangup? Is it possibly it's just hidden by loose foliage? Does he imagine himself with a vagina which is far less noticeable on his flora covered body? Why would he take the time to create individual toes when he can't be bothered to sling a penis on? I think it's time for a new Anatomy Lesson story arc!

I can't think up too many times when bringing up The Origin of Species was less fitting!

Being a master of tortured introductions to a piece of writing, this one takes the cake and eats it too. Survival of the Fittest has nothing to do with two different kinds of organisms trying to kill each other! It's not about a snake being better suited to survive than a plant man in the swamps of Louisiana! If I were a righteous nerd who had no trust in my audience (can I call three people an audience? Yes, probably!), I'd over-explain this bit and possibly take umbrage with the ease in which Len Wein replaces the term "natural selection" with "survival of the fittest." But I'll presume (finally!) that my caption was enough to make the reader snort and say, "Right!?!"

Ignoring the idiocy of Len Wein's introduction, why on earth is a boa constrictor attacking a plant? It must have a personal grudge against Swamp Thing. Maybe Buddy Baker asked it to fuck with Swamp Thing because Buddy Baker is a drunk, lonely dick.

Some guy with a shotgun happens by and shoots the boa constrictor in two while Swamp Thing wrestles with it. That's pretty fucked up, dude with the shotgun. I don't mean killing the snake when it probably didn't need to be killed! I mean using a shotgun as if it's as accurate as a rifle! Swamp Thing surely took a good portion of buckshot to his face with that blast.

Swamp Thing explains to the overenthusiastic hunter that he and the snake were just pulling an Inspector Clouseau and Cato Fong! Now I wish one of the Pink Panther movies would have done this scene with some passerby hearing the ruckus and barging in to shoot Cato in the head.

The guy with the gun explains that he's Matt Cable and Swamp Thing forgives him immediately while they blow each other. Afterwards, they catch up. Matt explains that he's been searching for a cure for Swamp Thing. Surprisingly, Swamp Thing doesn't explode with outrage about how his condition doesn't need to be "cured" so that he'd be "normal".

Absinthe needs to be more demystified than boobs. It's nothing more than really strong alcohol that tastes like guzzling Prell shampoo. What people are generally looking for when they seek out The Green Fairy would be best sought in LSD or magic mushrooms.

Matt Cable explains how he spent his life savings to find Nanda Parbat. Swamp Thing doesn't tell him that he could have taken Matt there for free. Why burst Matt's balloon when he's telling a tale of such sacrifice for friendship? Although it's a good thing Swamp Thing didn't let Matt into Nanda Parbat or else he might be partially accountable for Matt's theft of the Hand of Fatima! Apparently it's a limited Monkey's Paw in that it only grants one wish. Plus, seeing that it's a holy reliquary and not a black magic animal paw, the wish probably won't be cursed.

Matt and Alec take the hand to Zatanna because she's easier to deal with than Madame Xanadu. Zatanna likes to help her friends while Madame Xanadu just uses them to run errands for her in the name of "saving the world."

Before Zatanna invokes the hand, she keeps asking Alec and Matt if they're ready and willing to pay the price of the spell. Both she and Matt are acting as if they know the price of the spell yet they refuse to be honest with Alec about what will transpire. It seems like a dick move because they're both acting like Matt is somehow not going to survive. Or maybe he's simply going to trade places with Alec so that Alec will have to live the rest of his life in Matt's shitty body. I know I'd be a little bit pissed off if two of my "friends" kept implying that I'd be returned to normal when they knew that wasn't exactly the case at all. This is some kind of Madame Xanadu bullshit!

When the ritual is complete, Alec has his body back. So at least that part was true. But Matt Cable has now become the Swamp Thing. That seems like something Zatanna should have mentioned. I get why Matt didn't say anything because he's just another guy seeking power and immortality (probably!). But Zatanna is supposed to be Alec's friend! How hard is a little transparency about the results of invoking a holy reliquary? Alec may as well have gone to Constantine.

Swamp Thing #3 Rating: No change. Zatanna spends the entire comic in her low cut nightshirt. You'd think she could have at least dressed for company. Unless her nightshirt was actually her wizard's robes? I'm guessing it was her pajamas though since she was lying on her fainting couch (presumably masturbating) when Matt and Alec walked in on her with their decaying hand. Aside from that strange bit which I totally had a real and not a facetious problem with because a man would have been given a full outfit, this issue was everything I expected it to be. That's probably not a good review since you have no idea what that I was expecting a mediocre comic book with an old timey vibe and weird-ass, non-erotic Kelly Jones art.

Swamp Thing #1

I recently mentioned that "The Anatomy Lesson" was when the Swamp Thing finally became interesting and relevant. So it's a shame that Alan Moore isn't writing this mini-series. Instead, I'm going to have to put up with Len Wein on scripting duties. Seriously?! What does this guy know about Swamp Thing?! Oh sure. He created the character. But who cares?! Rob Liefeld created Deadpool too! But can you imagine Liefeld writing Deadpool as the character he is today?! It would be a disaster! Now imagine if he were drawing it as well?! Hmm. Hey, Marvel Comics? I know you're not reading this because nobody in the business reads this. But just in case you accidentally are reading this because you thought it was an important piece of journalism by Comic Book Resources or one of the other shit comic book websites, could you get Rob to draw and write a Deadpool mini-series? I'd really appreciate it because I could use a good laugh.

Liefeld and Deadpool probably isn't the best analogy to Len Wein and Swamp Thing because Len Wein is respected in the comic book business. But he is older and I'm always a bit worried when I'm reading something written by somebody returning to their halcyon younger days. Remember how Marv Wolfman sucked his own asshole dry in the Trigon Villains Month book? And I hate to say this because I loved his Suicide Squad run more than I love my own mother, but John Ostrander didn't really big much of a passing game to his Others scripts. And by "passing game," I don't mean American football. I mean passing as in grades and he didn't get an A at all. Or any of the other letters that aren't F.

But I'm hopeful! Hope is all I've got! And Faith! And Demeter! Although Demeter hates when I only tip her in ones so I tend to sit at Hope or Faith's stage.

The story begins and I think somebody told Len Wein he was writing a book of poetry. That isn't a compliment. It's an observation. He goes on about the swamp being Mother Nature's biggest brat and how a freight train toots and toots its sad toot because it can't find its way home. Which is stupid because trains don't have a lot of selection in the paths they take. Then he snaps some heron's wings with his words and allows a few bullfrogs to fuck and shows some scary alligators just before he uses the word "antediluvian." It made me do the jerking off gesture five or six times as I read it. But then I came to the last panel on the page and I thought, "Hmm. I might really like this. I think he snuck a mood in somewhere while I was jerking off a ghost."

The look and sound of the narration almost fools my fingers into thinking they're touching newsprint.

I like that he calls him a monster right off the bat. I like that he puts him alone in the midst of so much life. In this one page, a new reader already has a feel for what it must be like to be Alec Holland. He could have begun with Swamp Thing narrating his own story. "My name is Alec Holland. I used to be human. I am man no longer! I am sad! So sad! I love but am unloved! Woes me!" That's probably how I would have begun the issue. I also would have probably kept Swamp Thing unrevealed until the second page which would be a splash page of Swamp Thing fucking a knothole in a swamp tree and looking over his shoulder in surprise.

I wonder why DC never responds when I send them scripts?

Oh! Um, back the monster thing. I think DC has done a disservice to the character of the Swamp Thing by portraying him as another one of DC's heroes. He is not a hero. He is a gardener. He's a caretaker. He shouldn't be involved in fist fights and end of the world battles. Although I'm not the editor of Swamp Thing so I'm probably wrong. I guess he's whatever DC wants him to be! What do I know?! I'm only grandmaster at reading comic books, not writing them!

The second page of this issue is a brief synopsis of Swamp Thing's origin which is fine, I suppose. It's nice to get it out of the way quickly while setting the tone. Wein makes sure to get the "muck-encrusted mockery of a man" line in there because it hasn't lost its awesomeness. What a great descriptor for a character. Although it might be a little sad that Len Wein is still using the line forty five years later.

This is probably a smarter decision than the knothole idea.

I'm pretty shit when it comes to commenting on the art but Kelley Jones really is a natural for this book. And I almost never mention the colorist because why the fuck should I? Usually reviewers do it simply because they feel they're not doing their job if they don't throw a bone to the colorist and letterist. But I'm going to praise Michelle Madsen for the palette being used on this comic. The whole thing is a throwback to Swamp Thing's early days when he was simply a monster in love and not a member of Justice League Dark and righter of eco-wrongs.

Oh, um, Rob Leigh can like type or something? He puts letters down good?

Swamp Thing tussles with the alligator not to show his strength but to show his anger tempered by mercy. I hope Superman is watching.

Can I digress for a second? What the fuck am I doing? I don't need anybody's permission to digress! I'm digressing, dammit! I created a Bretonnian Blood Bowl team earlier to play a Solo League (I do too have friends! I have other teams for multiplayer leagues, smartoff!) and I called them Justice League Bretonnia. In their first and only match so far, Batman was sidelined by the refs for committing a foul. It was totally accidental because I didn't realize I was moving him onto a downed opponent's square. I just shook my head and thought, "Oh Batman! Can't walk away from a good beating, can you?" So he was out for the rest of the match eating Batnachos in the penalty box. Of course he got MVP at the end of the game. Because he's the Goddamned Batman!

Swamp Thing has retired from doing the Parliament of Trees' grunt work because this is Len Wein's Swamp Thing! He isn't going to fucking deal with all of that Alan Moore bullshit! This is a comic book about horror! It isn't supposed to be about politics and bureaucracies! But some thing there is that doesn't love a Swamp Thing who doesn't work with the Parliament of Trees. Which means somebody has to chastise Swamp Thing for abandoning his obligations.

Don't tell me Madame Xanadu sent the Phantom Stranger. Did she see the end of the world if her garden doesn't grow some spectacular cucumbers?

Do you think Kelley Jones ever zoned out while drawing only to realize when he was done with a panel he'd drawn Killer Croc instead?

Swamp Thing hears a scream and Phantom Stranger decides he's done his job and delivered his warning so fuck whoever needs help. He buggers out while Swamp Thing rushes to help a woman whose husband is sinking in quicksand. Remember quicksand?! Remember when every adventure story had somebody nearly sinking in quicksand? Has anybody in the world ever died in the stuff? Does the shit even exist?!

The couple Swamp Thing helps actually came to the swamp to find Swamp Thing. He decides to stick around to hear their story for some reason. Probably because their name is Wormwood.

The Wormwoods had a son named Lazlo who went to Crowley University which is exactly what you think it is based on the name. He was taking a class about Resurrection and volunteered to be killed as the class project. Unfortunately, the class couldn't bring him back to life and he sat on life support in a coma for weeks. Eventually the plug was pulled and Lazlo didn't die. Instead he murdered his professor and disappeared. The Wormwoods would like Swamp Thing to find their boy and maybe learn a lesson during the adventure.

So Swamp Thing enrolls at Crowley University. I hope he pledges a Floraternity. Although he might not have much time for shenanigans because he discovers Lazlo murdering to ex-classmates on his first night on campus.

No! Not...Zombie!

Did nobody tell Len Wein that zombies are on the way out and adult coloring books are on the way in?! Swamp Thing should be battling The Colored Book!

Zombie tears Swamp Thing in half and then walks away to find some other people to blame for his condition other than himself for being a weak-willed idiot who enrolled at a place called Crowley University.

Swamp Thing #1 Rating: This is definitely a throwback. It's a caveman of comic books! It's meant to be and it works. Although I have no idea how well it will work for kids who have never really experience comics from the seventies and early eighties. They might be confused by the narration boxes because they'll automatically assume Swamp Thing is thinking them. And they'll wonder why the colors aren't as crisp and clean as they're used to. And they'll wonder why the art is so dark, especially in the faces. And they'll wonder who the fuck Len Wein is. And they'll scratch their heads thinking, "Did Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea actually like this crap?" Yes. Yes I did like this crap! I was a bit underwhelmed by the revelation that the enemy is a zombie but what should I expect? This is supposed to be a horror book! I hope next issue, Swamp Thing battles the Werewolf!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2

Who doesn't give a shit about Convergence comics and has some thumbs?!

I think I might have to put the rest of the Convergence books on the back burner so that I can catch back up to the regular books which are the ones I want to read. I'll figure something out, I guess. Like maybe barely writing anything about the next seven Convergence titles so I can get back to a point where I have at least a little bit of interest in the comic books I'm reading. Convergence was a long drawn out boring way for DC Comics to retcon Crisis On Infinite Earths into not having happened. They could have just stapled a memo into one of the New 52 books saying, "You know that universe that we abandoned in September of 2011? Remember how you thought, 'Oh! The New 52 is a whole new universe which I don't like but at least I can continue to hope that the old universe that I love will eventually come back!'? Well, stop remembering that! Because your old universe is completely different now! We at DC Comics decided that Crisis on Infinite Earths ended differently! All of the worlds were saved and everything that happened after Issue #12 of Crisis never, ever happened ever in the history of everything ever! So if you're still hoping that universe comes back, HOO BOY are you in for a SUR-PRISE! It's totally different, dumb dumbs! Ha ha! In your face, idiots! This is what you get when you ignore the simple fact that the stories you've read which affected you intensely continue to matter no matter how much stupid bullshit a comic book company puts out about those stories not mattering in the slightest. Here's something else DC Comics figures we should tell you! Remember the eighteen years you spent with a mother and father who loved and adored you before they helped you off to college and into the real world?! They actually hated you! And they laughed at you constantly! And they used your little baby flesh in Satanic Rituals in the basement! And since DC Comics said it, that's the way it is! Enjoy Thanksgiving this year, idiots!"

Man! The spokesman for DC Comics is a rude jerk! I'm glad I'm not like him at all and am a super nice guy that writes wonderful stories that everybody loves to read (especially publishers! So if you're a publisher, send me a note about how you want to read all of my great stories and then publish them! Imagine how much money your company can make by publishing my terrific children's book line about "The Shark Who Saved The Holiday That Wasn't Specifically Christian Due To A Modern Secular Mindset Which Has Begun To Pervade This Once Great Country"? Or my Young Adult Triple Trilogy entitled, "Conform, You Artsy Fartsy Purple Haired Snowflake With Face Piercings And A Cool Looking Vape-Bong Who Is So Unique That You Can't Even!" Or what about my romance line of books, "Books That Do Your Husband's Job"? I'm also available to write the books based on the movies! Here's an excerpt from my novelization of Raiders of the Lost Ark: "Then this kind of South Americanish hybrid caricature says to Indiana Jones, "Throw me the idol! I throw you the whip!" And Harrison Ford is in a real bind and he looks like he's thinking, 'Well, I won't be rich but maybe I'll live if I give up the idol although this guy is a caricature of a Hispanic people which means he's probably sneaky and won't actually throw me the whip. But boy am I in a spot! I sure hope I live through this so I can become a pilot and settle down to live with a hot bag of bones in Colorado!'" That's good stuff, right publishers?!). Oh man! I just realized I'm 29 comics behind and I'm busy patting my laurels on the backside! I'm going to read the comic book now but don't forget to call me, publishers! Or send me a message or something! The name is Grunion Guy! I'm a Writer! With a capital "W"!

You don't have to read the Narration Boxes. Just remember that on Earth-2, Capitalism kept everything fresh and juicy. But on Earth-Concrete-Blocks, Communism hurt everybody's feelings and made them all sad because they had dirty butts and no toilet paper.

Last issue, Helena Wayne thought blowing up a car on Superman would defeat him. Maybe she thought the extravagance of destroying a multi-million dollar vehicle would shock Communist Superman into a coma! Whatever she was attempting, it failed and she had to be saved by Communist Superman. That's the most embarrassing thing that can happen to a capitalist! You don't want some communist pulling you up by your own bootstraps! Just think what the other American urchins would think as they're struggling with their own bootstraps and then they see your bootstraps being fiddled with by a communist! They'd probably think, "Gor! Sumevody corl a poritishern! Wes has gots us a bloordy Red symfasizer!"

Hey Publishers! Did I mention how good I am at historical novels?! I've got a whole series on revolutions across history called, "Naked Ladies and Revolutions: A Look At History and Boobies! For Guys (and Lesbians) That Aren't All That Interested in History."

Communist Superman is all, "I just want to talk!" And Capitalist Huntress is all, "So you can turn us into Red Monsters! So you can steal away our dreams of becoming billionaire lottery winners?! I don't think so, Compadre!" And Capitalist Dick Grayson is all, "I think that would be 'Compadreski,' Huntress." And Capitalist Huntress is all, "Thanks for the Mansplanation, asshole!" And Communist Superman is all, "In communist Russia, mansplanations mansplain you!"

Before Capitalist Robin and Capitalist Huntress can be told a bunch of workable Communist lies that actually make sense in theory but seldom work out in practice (which is totally different somehow than Capitalist lies that actually make sense but seldom work out in practice), Communist Batman saves the day! Not that the day needed saving but you never can tell when some unsuspecting Capitalist is going to hear too much of the Communist side and become sympathetic to the Communist cause. It's better to not have Freedom of Speech then to have weak minded fools listening to things that they might actually find believable, interesting, and truthful.

Here's a truthful statement: people who don't believe in freedom of speech are dumb assholes.

This scene reminds me of the third in my Naked Ladies and Revolutions series: Farm Girls of the Ukraine And Russia's President's Day Revolution.

Communist Batman, a complete stranger to The Huntress, says, "I'm sure your dead father was proud of you." Huntress says, "Thank you." But that's only because she can't hear the Communist Sarcasm in his voice because what he really meant to say is, "Russian father of young girl who run around with boobs flip-flopping out of shirt would be complete opposite of proud!" But he'd only think that because he's Communist and in a Retro Golden Age Story. He doesn't know it's now wrong to judge women for their clothing. It's also stupid because who wants women to wear more clothing?! I guess gay guys and women who aren't as hot as the women wearing less clothing?

Communist Superman begins searching the city with his Supervision. But since Communist Batman lives in a lead lined house, Communist Superman can't find him. Communist Superman is also too stupid to think, "I can see the entire city except what's behind the walls of that house. But that's probably just a fluke."

Hey jerko! The fate of worlds hangs in the balance here! How about a little less vague and a lot more explicit!

Communist Superman catches up with The Huntress and Robin after Communist Batman disappears. Because Communist Batman didn't tell the kids to open the box and expose Communist Superman to the Kryptonite that is obviously in the box, they try to defeat Communist Superman with Batarangs and Crossbow Bolts. Spoiler: it doesn't work.

Worst Huntress ever written? That's a rhetorical question because it's obvious this is the worst Huntress ever written. Also, I don't want hundreds of responses from Tumblrites declaring that all New 52 Huntresses were the worst because they weren't Preboot Helena Bertinelli because I don't want to read nonsense. The New 52 Helena Wayne was a fantastic Huntress.

After Dick and Helena are nearly killed by Communist Superman (but aren't because he's merely trying to subdue them so that they can talk about this ridiculous Multiversal Thunderdome situation), Dick realizes it's time to open the box Communist Batman gave him. He probably should have known to open the box at the beginning of the fight. I'm surprised he even remembered the box after the severe concussion he just suffered having his head smashed into The Huntress's head. Although you know what would have been even better? If Communist Batman had said, "This rock I'm giving you will drain Superman of his powers so just open the box in his presence and you'll defeat him."

Dick opens the box and Superman writhes in pain and pleads for his life and only when he's about to die does Dick throw away the box and say, "You know what? Maybe we should talk this over with Communist Superman?" The Huntress freaks out because Robin threw away their chances of beating Communist Superman. Yeah, but he only threw yor chances about five feet behind him! Go pick up the stupid kryptonite if you need to win so badly, Helena!

Communist Superman and Robin shake hands and declare the duel a draw. Telos points out that the rules specifically state that working together and being kind to each other are flagrant violations and will be dealt with in a swift and meaningless manner. Then he leaves to participate in the end of the Convergence Weekly Series and completely forget all about his Multiversal Thunderdome project. I think Telos has ADD.

The issue ends with Huntress and Robin finding their way back to Earth-Two Gotham City. I guess it was stolen as well. I don't have a master list of all the cities that were taken by Brainiac but if I had to guess, I'd say that list contained every city ever written about in DC's history because why not?

Yeah! What was that about, Helena?! It must have been part of the plot though and not horrible writing on Len's part because why else would Len have you mention that Len wrote you so horribly?!

Convergence: Detective Comics #2 Rating: 4 Helena Bertinellis out of Ten. This was pretty much a crap story that should have been resolved with a bunch of talking just a few pages into the first issue. But Helena wasn't acting in character so the characters had to engage in a lot of useless fighting. I guess she was just so scared of the Red Menace that she couldn't help reacting the way she did. Totally understandable! Those Communists are monsters!

Divergence: The Flash
"Professor Zoom is back, and he's not alone! Who's along for the ride to kill the Fastest Man Alive?"

Fuck you, Professor Zoom! Enough with the ridiculous time travel bullshit, Van Jensen. And stop working with Brett Booth! I'm terrified of people whose legs are longer than they should be.

Professor Zoom has a whole gang of misfits at his side in his hunt to kill The Flash. Yay. More comic books where the hero isn't doing heroic stuff but reacting to villains trying to kill him. I'm not going to run out and pick up this book! Ha ha! One Speed Force Point to me!

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2

Ahhhhhhhhhh!

Last issue I began my commentary pointing out how people often lose interest in comic book characters without a sense of continuity in an established universe. This time I want to begin by saying who the fuck cares? Isn't the continuity of a character derived from the stories you've read across the years? Isn't that what binds a reader to the character? Why let a comic book company dictate to you which Batman stories are "true"? Batman is a shared fictional character that will never have a final act. His entire story is the middle act and it's all based on a mostly unchanging first act. As story arcs go, that's a pretty crappy model if you want a character to evolve. But the character has to change for the new audience that continually churns at the shores of fandom. All of those changes from decade to decade form what we think of Batman. The movies and the television shows and the cartoons and the books and the comics...they're all there to be incorporated into this character that people have enjoyed for years. Why let a corporation tell you that any part of the Batman mythos is less important than any other part? The important bits of Batman are the ones that made you love the character. The stories you remember aren't (most likely) the ones by his original creators. They're by a host of writers getting the chance to direct Batman in whatever way they (and the editors and the studios and the networks) see fit. Batman is not who DC Comics tells us he is. Batman is who you've determined Batman is, continuity be damned.

Besides, if you're fans of a comic book character long enough, you'll inevitably do your own editing of their continuity. Who would leave in Ann Nocenti's run of Catwoman in their envisioned history of the character? Fucking nobody! We learn soon enough that some writers will hand us gold and others should never been let near the vault. We learn that if the name of a certain writer (or artist) appears on the cover, we don't need to read that story. It never has to taint our vision of the character. As fans, we've seen dozens and dozens of reboots of our favorite characters over the years. They're called "a change in the writer." Sometimes you get spoiled and a writer remains on a book for so long that you can't help but accept every story as continuity, no matter how bad. And sometimes you get extremely lucky and a writer puts out something like Sandman or Cerebus where the tale is told exactly how one person wants to tell the tale and then the character is put away for good. Well, mostly. But even if you were able to read every copy of Detective Comics, you'd find that the changes in Batman are more drastic across the years in that single run then the changes made to Batman in Detective Comics #1 of The New 52. Although that was written by David Finch and was crap. But that wasn't the fault of The New 52 continuity! It was a crappy writer!

None of this has anything to do with Swamp Thing except that it kind of has everything to do with Swamp Thing, doesn't it? I can't think of any greater reboot in the history of DC Comics than when Alan Moore took over scripting on Swamp Thing #21 back in February of 1984. In a way, it began a Reboot of DC Comics that happened parallel to Crisis on Infinite Earths. It was the British Reboot and what would eventually become Vertigo. Those of you who weren't born yet have no idea how much mainstream comic books changed with the British Invasion and Vertigo. Think of what Image Comics is currently doing but realize that nothing like it had ever been seen before. It was revelation. And I kind of wish that DC's New 52 had merged all of their titles into the Vertigo line! Batman needs to cuss more.

I wonder if, as I peter out and slip into my usual voice, I should go back and pepper the previous three paragraphs with dick jokes? I wonder if "peter out and slip into" qualifies?

At the end of last issue, Swamp Thing was beset by vampires. Vegan vampires? No! Just normal vampires. This issue begins with Swamp Thing pointing out how stupid the are.

Swamp Thing is a tactical genius! Plus he knows a lot about vampires for 1984. He must have been a Dungeons & Dragons player. Or a fan of Salems Lot. Fright Night wouldn't come out for another year and that one taught people all the most important rules about fighting vampires! Like not inviting them into your house!

Vampire Batman appears and introduces himself to Swamp Thing. He points out that he's Swamp Thing's real opponent. But first he kills all the nagging vampires so he and Swamp Thing can figure out what to do next. I'm guessing Red Rain Batman is still a good guy? Even if he's a monster? Just like Swamp Thing! I think I discovered the theme! Don't judge a monster by the way it looks because that makes you the real monster!

Most people don't say "To be brutally honest" and then go on to say something that's hard for themselves to hear. But then most people aren't vampire Batman.

To be brutally honest, I'm a horrible writer. I'm just too lazy and unambitious to write any of the things I truly desire to write. So instead, I comment on comic books. I wonder how many great writers history has lost to frivolous pursuits?! I'm not claiming to be a great writer! If you thought I was then you're a lousy reader because I began this paragraph saying I was a horrible writer! The real problem with writing is that it takes more hard work than talent. You can be a hack but if you put your shoulder to the grindstone and just keep working at it, you can be successful. But if you have scads of talent but just can't be bothered with how toilsome writing can actually be? Forget it. You don't deserve to be remembered.

Batman agrees to let Swamp Thing win the battle but first he'd like Swamp Thing's help killing as many vampires as possible. It's basically beating a dead horse but then Batman is a vampire and who can really know what those things are into? Besides drinking blood and seducing stuff. I'd probably be really into video games and not writing.

Batman is searching for the Queen Vampire. I wonder if she'll be somebody important to Batman? Are there any females important to Batman? Oh! That one that he lectures and fucks! What's her name? Feline Lady?

Well. A redhead. Kate or Barbara? Judging by all the women in the room? Kate.

Swamp Thing kills all of the Vampire Queen's attendants with Garlic Gas while Batman goes after the queen. He decapitates her after a short battle in which she claims to have learned a lot of tricks over the centuries but she demonstrates none of them. After she's killed, the vampires that are left revert back into humans. Swamp Thing is all, "What the fuck?" And Batman is all, "Oh yeah. Didn't I mention? When the Queen dies, all of her victims turn back into humans!" And Swamp Thing is all, "So I...I...I just murdered dozens of people?!" Batman is all, "To be brutally honest? Yeah." Then Batman, who was turned by Dracula so he's still a vampire, heads out to watch the sunrise.

Swamp Thing and Abby win the competition and are transported back to Gotham where Len Wein ends his Convergence tale perfectly.

Got the earthquake in, made sure it didn't matter one fuck, and ended with the whole "The End?" thing which I think he absolutely meant. "Really, DC Editors? That's all I get to say about it? The reader doesn't get anything more than a stupid earthquake? Nice resolution, guys."

Convergence: Swamp Thing #2 Rating: 8.5 Hallucinogenic Tubers out of Ten. I think Len Wein did a smart thing with this story. He tried his best to write two stories that just happened to take place in this Convergence framework and I think he pulls it off nicely. The first story is merely a look at the burgeoning love between Swamp Thing and Abby as she takes care of him for a year in Gotham. There is still no romance between them but we see how much they mean to each other. In the second story, we get a heartbreaking tale of a man trying to protect his city not only from others but from himself as well. Swamp Thing is just a bit player in this Batman tale. And then on the final page (in each book, if I'm not mistaken?), Len throws in the editorially mandated things, washes the blood off of his hands, and removes himself from the proceedings.

Divergence: Catwoman
"She's still Gotham's queen of crime -- but now, in order to work all the angles, Selina Kyle is back as Catwoman!"

Well it's about time! I hope she teams up with Other Catwoman! You know, the one whose name I can't remember in that way that I can never remember names? I think it began with an "E"? Two Catwomen running around Gotham together would make Batman's head explode. Eiko! Was it Eiko?!

The preceding paragraph is why I'd suck on Jeopardy. My brain needs more time to process than contestants are allowed!

The most important bit of the Catwoman Sneak Peek that isn't mentioned in the "How Did We Completely Fuck This Title Up" blurb is the bit about how the art looks fantastic now! Did anybody see Catwoman's ass in that dress?! I mean, I can tell people apart! It's some good looking stuff.

Catwoman is still framing her stories around historic epistles. This sneak peek's is from Elizabeth I to her Council in 1585: "From mine enemy let me defend myself...from a pretensed friend, good Lord deliver me." It's fitting because this short story is mostly to get new readers caught up with Selina's position in the crime families of Gotham. Her friends and enemies are introduced and there's a bit of overlap in the categories, of course. Oh, and I said to help "new readers" get caught up but I think some old readers are glad for this summation of the groove in which events have settled. I know I was!

Convergence: Detective Comics #1

Thanks for the black covers, DC! This week's Convergence Variant covers are going to be smeared with my fingerprints by the time I'm done reading them.

This week's comic books take place in Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis. In other words, they're going to be Golden Age stories! Hooray! I hope we get panels that show Robin grappling with an anaconda while Robin screams, "I'm grappling with an anaconda!" and then has a thought bubble that says, "Holy serpents! I'm grappling with an anaconda!" while the narrator says, "Robin grapples with the mighty monster of the rain forest river: the anaconda!"

The cities that Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis are up against are whatever city represents the Qward Anti-matter Universe, Jonah Hex's futuristic Atlanta, Georgia, and Red Son's Moscow. Sorry, Golden Age, but I have to root for Hex! I'm sure the entire week won't be exclusively Earth-Two Metropolis though. Surely The Freedom Fighters will take place in a different city, as well as Shazam and Blue Beetle (probably of the Dan Garrett variety).

The first page introduction sounds pretty close to a Golden Age comic book. Lots of narration to set the mood with over-the-top similes and lots of dramatic turns of phrase. And on the final panel of the page, a thought bubble! I truly hope they all retain this Golden Age tone.

The story is called "Powers and Responsibilities...". Since it stars the Superman of Red Son, it's probably going to be a story about capitalism versus communism. We know how a Golden Age story like that would end! Red Son Superman would step one foot into Metropolis, renounce communism, and begin fighting for truth, justice, and Visa! I hope this story ends that way too because America rules (with an inherently racist foreign policy built on the back of a constant military threat by deploying its armies all across the world and constantly reminding everybody that America is unarguably good and just and would never allow its own best interests to come into play while policing the entire world)!

Four months into Moscow coming under the dome, Superman continues to make public appearances to reassure the public that their great national hero still has things under control. Even though now he's riding in a limousine instead of flying over the streets.

Propaganda?! Why is Communist Superman so cynical?! It sounds like a capitalist is putting words in his mouth!

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Huntress and Robin discuss fashion and always having enough money to do anything they want. They've been hanging out with the JSA keeping Metropolis safe. Batman is dead for some reason. I don't remember when or how Earth-2 Batman died. Who's Who merely says "he laid down his life to save Gotham from a super-powered criminal" because Who's Who is a lazy fuck.

In Metropolis, Toyman can still find the resources to create a monstrous Nutcracker with which to ravage the city. In Moscow, everybody is starving.

What the hell, Telos? I thought you were supposed to supply the people with all the food, electricity, and water they need? But not toilet paper. I get why they're out of toilet paper.

When the dome comes down, Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne are teleported to Moscow to battle Superman. Dick says the "we aren't in Kansas anymore" line. I probably should have been keeping a tally for how many times that line was used. Maybe it was only twice, here and in The Adventures of Superman #1. And I only remember that because it was practically the last comic I read.

I think the final couple of pages are going to depict Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne being smashed into capitalist jelly.

Superman asks the duo to step out of the Batmobile and Helena answers by shooting a couple of missiles into his face. Oh boy! I bet he's seeing red! Ha ha!

He's actually more calm than capitalist Superman! What an example! I'm going to become a communist now!

Dick exits the Batmobile and enters a rational conversation with Superman. But Helena, being a loyal comic book character who knows how heroic characters are supposed to act when they meet other strange heroic characters, takes off in the Batmobile so she can take a moment to figure out how to defeat Superman. But he just flies after her and picks up the car in order to bring her back to Robin so they can discuss the matter. But Helena decides to hit the self-destruct button on the car because I guess she'd rather die than participate in peaceful negotiations with a communist?

Convergence: Detective Comics #1 Rating: So fucking stupid. Most of the comic book was boring, so I think Len Wein wanted to end it in a not boring fashion. It's too bad he decided to end it in a stupid fashion. I'm sure Superman saved Helena's life which will make her realize that maybe he isn't a bad guy and that there might be a possibility to save both of their cities by working with him. But that still won't justify how fucking paranoid and violent she's acting. Maybe she's acting in character? What do I know about the Earth-2 Huntress? Her Who's Who entry doesn't mention her temperament being an issue. Although her history does end with possibly the best last line of any of the histories I've read so far in the Who's Who: "Coincidentally, Gotham D.A. Harry Sims was her lover." What a coincidence! And informative too!

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1

I can draw!

Convergence really exposes the need for comic book companies to maintain a sense of continuity and history in their story telling. People may have felt excited to get glimpses of the characters they used to love before The New 52 but without any tangible tie to an overall continued existence for these characters, a reader can lose interest fairly quickly. Too much continuity can get in the way of a writer feeling free to tell the story they want to tell. But not enough continuity and the reader doesn't develop a bond for the character in the book. Every time the character appears, without that sense of history, it may as well be a new character. The characters always kept that sense of history after each of DC's previous reboots because they were essentially the same character but having become a resident in a somewhat different universe. The New 52 outright told the fans that these were not the same characters or the same universe and to get used to it, so many felt that disconnect with the characters and just moved on. Now DC Comics has taken a few months to say, "Here! Those characters you miss! They're right here!" But come on. Who fucking really cares when it's just a brief window into old lives that are now long gone? These stories are less interesting because they are no longer part of DC Continuity.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the old fans are coming out in droves to support this event. But I know after two and a half weeks of it, I'm a little bit bored by it, overall. It feels like I'm picking up old comic books out of my collection and giving them a reread. I suppose DC is going to allow most of their old timelines to come back into their overall universe in some form or another by the time this Convergence is over because they're dying to bring back all those fans who can't stand them anymore due to The New 52. But history being doomed to repeat itself whether or not people know their history because that's just the way history works, the people running DC Comics will eventually look at how confusing their universe is to new readers and decide to clean it up somehow. Which, once again, won't work exactly how they wanted it to, make things more confusing in the long run, and wind up in yet another cleaning up of continuity.

Here's some advice, DC Comics: put ice cream on pizza. Man, it's weird.

Was Swamp Thing a comedy pre-Crisis?!

I like that Len Wein brought back that whole Strange Tales Narrator deal and the nice Swamp Thing tagline of the shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man. But naming the story "It's Not Easy Being Green"? I'm not exactly going to be terrified by this tale, am I?

So Swamp Thing was caught in Gotham during the doming. What was he doing up there? Did the dome drop while Abby was being put on trial for fucking a plant man? Has he been rooming with Solomon Grundy in Slaughter Swamp for the last year? Hopefully he wasn't connected to The Green in pre-Crisis continuity or else he probably died when moved off planet and the rest of this comic book will be his body as it rots on the edge of Gotham.

The Narrator just turns into the Swamp Thing narrating because he was just putting on that highly dramatized horror book narration voice for old times sake. After he points out that he's the muck-encrusted monstrosity, Swamp Thing tells his history because Len Wein didn't want to simply write, "Remember how I created the Swamp Thing?! Remember all of the stories I wrote about him?! Remember my work on him and not that fucking wanna-be mystic piece of shit English person?! Me! I created Swamp Thing! I DID IT, GODDAMMIT! The fucking Anatomy Lesson was bullshit."

The walking moss pile is surprised that Abigail wants a lover with a penis.

The Swamp Thing's recounting of his history ends with The Anatomy Lesson so I guess, since Len was editor on the book at the time, he seems to think it was an okay story and it's probably not a bad idea to keep it part of pre-Crisis Swamp Thing's history. I mean, he could have cut it from this version of Swamp Thing's history altogether since the story appeared so close to the beginning of Crisis. Wouldn't it be interesting to return a new version of the Swamp Thing to DC Continuity? One that never underwent the magical transformation of weird horror novelty to interesting character that people began to love? I want stories of the weird horror novelty!

None of the other Pre-Crisis books have documented the time of the doming as well as this one. Although, really, this is just Len's version. No other book mentioned the red skies at all.

Swamp Thing decides to go to Gotham to ask Batman about the red skies because Batman knows everything. Abby tags along and they make a nice vacation out of it. Let me guess! The dome falls, they get trapped in Gotham, Swamp Thing is cut off from the Green, and Abby spends the next year trying to desperately keep her Chia Thing alive!

The dome covers Gotham and cuts Swamp Thing off from The Green. Now he's just a shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man again instead of whatever Alan Moore made him. A philosopher? Abby leaves him in the park while she heads off to find a job and an apartment. That shouldn't be any problem what with everybody probably freaking the fuck out and such.

A week later, Abby reports back that Gotham is handling things reasonably well since a giant dome covering the city winds up being a lot more fun than everybody dying from Joker gas. And Abby has done some wangling of her own.

At first I thought "wangle" was a sex act and then I read the definition and, well...getting the job and the apartment probably did involve sex. I can read between the dictionary definitions.

Abby begins delivering plant food which is barely keeping Swamp Thing alive. Then one day, many weeks later, the usual business of Gotham intrudes on Swamp Thing's territory as Batgirl chases Poison Ivy through the park.

Naughty!

Many weeks later, just as hope for Swamp Thing's survival is waning, Planet Brainiac lifts the dome and Swamp Thing's connection to The Green returns. Even if this planet is nowhere in space or time. I guess The Green exists everywhere except inside of domes. Swamp Thing's power comes back but before he and Abby can adjust, they're transported by Planet Brainiac to the Gotham of Red Rain where they're attacked by a bunch of vampires.

I think the lead vampire is Vampire Lobo.

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1 Rating: It was a day in the park! But for a year! Exclamation point! Nervous stomach! What the fuck am I doing with my life?!