Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade

The Joker is a messy eater.

The Review!
In some ways, this story feels like it was written less by Brian Azzarello and more by Frank Miller. It just doesn't have the nuance of Azzarello in the dialogue. The writing feels a bit blunt and broad-minded. It's also possible that I was simply put off by John Romita Jr.'s art so I put on my grumpy pants and refused to thoroughly enjoy the story. The story itself is about how Batman is as much at fault for Jason Todd's death as The Joker is. I think. That might be the story and even though that wasn't the story in the regular DC Universe, it's the take that maybe the current Jason Todd needs to be true. Batman never said the things Jason needed to hear. Batman simply treated Jason as another Bat-Gadget. Batman was always telling Jason to not do things or to stop doing things a certain way. Batman never told Jason that he had the potential and gifts to someday (and a very soon some day too!) be a great Batman. Batman never fucking hugged the poor kid! And while maybe this is the story that makes more sense of Jason Todd's relationship with Batman, I'm not sure it's the story I want. I suppose Batman is distant and cold and closed off from emotion. He allows Alfred to take on that role for him. But do I want my Batman to be so justice-minded that he lacks the empathy to treat close friends and acquaintances in a kind and, if not loving, at least compassionate way? Does that dilute the power of The Batman? I would hope it would only strengthen him. But then this story isn't really about Jason, is it? It's more about Batman and his failings and learning from those failures. It's just too bad for Jason Todd that he had to be a plot device to help Batman grow!

The Commentary!
Everybody wants to write a Final Joker story. I don't know if this is one of those but it has the Joker on the cover and the word "last" so it probably is. I would make a great cop! I jumped to a conclusion and then found two clues to support that conclusion and that's all the evidence I need to arrest the bastard!

This issue is based on Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns. I provided that information for people who forgot to read the cover. I wish I remember The Dark Knight Returns better since it a seminal fluid comic book that everybody else seems to lose their shit when they remember all of the apparently great details in it. I think in Miller's story, The Joker and Batman had sex on a carnival ride. This must be the aftermath of that encounter.

The story begins with The Joker being thrown back into Arkham. Well, that's that! He'll never get out of Arkham! Is this going to be one of those Batman stories where Batman goes into Arkham as a metaphor for delving deep into his subconscious until he comes face to face with The Joker and then realizes it's really a mirror? I suppose it could also be one of those other Arkham stories where The Joker escapes. Those are a lot more common. But judging by the cover, Batman and Robin will be coming to him. Maybe they need him to Hannibal Lecter something for them. I hope Carrie Kelley doesn't get hit in the face by The Mad Hatter's semen!

It turns out this story takes place much earlier than the events in the original Dark Knight series. Jason Todd is the current Robin so maybe this is the Final Jason Todd story! But since it's current and in the Dark Knight Universe, it will probably be a lot more entertaining than that whole Death in the Family garbage from the eighties. Unless it was the nineties. Maybe Jason Todd will be the one to take the metaphorical journey into his subconscious as Arkham where he'll eventually come face to face with The Joker where he realizes it's really the audience!

The media have decided to question Batman's policy of putting children in the line of maniacs. Batman catches wind of it and is all, "But I'm a good guy! Stop criticizing me!" Alfred is all, "Do you need somebody killed for this?" And Batman is all, "No, just...you know. Go polish something."

This book reminds me of that quote about how many men must walk down a road before you can call it a road. Mostly because I just thought of that quote while reading this book and thought, "Does that fit? Does that make sense? It must, right? Or else why would my brain bring it up!"

While the media questions why Batman would train a young person to put themselves in danger, Batman's back is all, "You're too old for this shit! Get a young person in here!" So it's that most ancient of all arguments! I'm not sure exactly what the argument is but it has something to do with old versus young and how the young waste their potential but only realize it once they're old and then the old version of them is all, "Young people are stupid because I was once a stupid young person!" Meanwhile the young people who actually spent their youth in a manner they could live with never grew old because they probably died in a base jumping accident. Then young people look at older people and think "Why are they so grouchy and boring?!" because only the grouchy and boring ones survive to look down their wrinkled noses at the youth. All the cool ones died awesomely when their aging bodies eventually betrayed them.

I think that explains why Batman needs to train a young person to do his job. It's kind of a different reason for Batman needing Robin then the usual reason that Batman needed somebody in bright clothing for the bad guys to shoot at instead of shooting at him. Or maybe the reason was that Robin was Batman's version of Prozac?

If you're wondering why I haven't scanned any artwork yet, it's because I'm afraid DC Comics will send me a cease and desist! No, wait. It's actually because this comic book's physical format makes it really hard to scan pictures. I could take pictures of them but that's totally amateur hour! What am I? A fckuging amataeru? Hardy!

The night after catching The Joker, Batman and Robin head out to catch more of The Joker's gang. During the battle, Jason Todd smashes a guy's head in the door of an overturned van that was catching fire. He saves Batman's life doing it, so Batman understands that sometimes casualties will happen. And it's not like Batman blames himself or Robin for any deaths! If a bad guy dies while Batman tries to apprehend them with explosives and lethal Batarangs and extreme violence, it's the bad guy's fault for not being prepared to live through explosions and blunt objects and sharp objects and Batman's fists of justice!

See? The bad guys are at fault for being too amateurish to reinforce their van against Batman's explosives! Dummies!

I basically ruined the spine of my comic book scanning that panel. Maybe it's more professional to just take a picture of the book! Or perhaps I should be buying them digitally? No way! What am I? A young person?! My world is physical comic books and living in a maze of stacked up comic book boxes in every room! So much better!

I have a theory about the popularity of Young Adult literature that I probably shouldn't bury in the middle of this review but I will anyway. I feel it's popular because the genre usually presents a black and white world where somebody who is a literal unique snowflake and literally doesn't fit in literally sees the literal right way things should be and works toward making the world a better place while also making the reader feel represented. Adult literature is way too ambiguous (and I don't mean fuck books about fucking! Although those are good too and often ambiguous as well). Because the real challenges in life aren't about rising up against an obviously oppressive status quo to make the world a better place, even though your sister and some of your friends might die in the process. People in the real world aren't background automatons brainwashed by the oppressive culture in which they live that need to be led to freedom by one spunky, thoughtful teenager and her friends! People in the real world are complicated by their coping mechanisms and the strategies they've come up with to survive. If only there were a single bad man to bring down to make everything better! If only there were one perfect solution to create a utopia that would make happy each single individual with different views, dreams, backgrounds, and hopes. Although maybe I'm reading Young Adult books incorrectly! Maybe The Lord of the Rings wasn't about bringing down the ultimate bad guy and making the world a safer place for men and hobbits (but not elves!) to live! Maybe it's actually about how travel makes a person less ignorant! And maybe The Hunger Games wasn't about bringing down a fascist regime but about how young people are quickly swept up into events out of their control as they enter adulthood where they get to make fewer and fewer of their own decisions and simply begin to just try to control the aspects of their lives they're able to control! And maybe the Divergent series wasn't about how young people who don't fit into society are actually better than everybody else and go on an adventure to prove that they're better and more creative and totally way more important than those stupid jocks and cheerleadgers! Maybe it was about...well, I don't know what it was about because I liked feeling like I was divergent and that I was better than everybody else because I totally didn't fit into society's fucking square holes! Or maybe Uglies wasn't about flipping the bird to society's conventional beauty standard and was actually about...no, I think that's probably exactly what it was about. I guess all of these Young Adult books are simply about making kids who don't fit in feel like they're better than everybody else. Because you know who reads? Kids who don't fit in! So lets write a bunch of books to make them feel good!

I may have lost my point somewhere in that paragraph but that's my style! Pointless!

Back to The Last Crusade, The Joker begins telling a story about a boy. "Etch a Pooh air," he begins. Although this story isn't about a boy who died soon after childbirth and was thus given a heroic story by his insane mother, written on reams of paper given to her to write letters to her first son Johnny, and sent to an old lover of hers named Zampano who may or may not have been the brother of her husband because it's really unclear how Pelafina knew Zampano at all although it was clear that she did know and love him. This story is about a boy born with a broken neck! The Joker's story is like one of those Young Adult books I was talking about. The broken necked kid was able to see things differently than everybody else because his head turned around more or something. But that was no good! Society hates those who see things differently! And so the doctors fixed his neck and made him normal and that was a true tragedy! They took away his individuality! They took away his power! They took away everything that made him McMurphy McMurphy except for his influence which is why the story isn't really about McMurphy at all but about Chief Broom who manages to escape those damned doctors!

Bruce finds his way into Selina's vagina and is all, "We can't have romantic times yet! I'm still training Jason Todd!" And Selina is all, "Fine! Fine! I'll put the Catsuit back on. But you know I'm feeling old too, old man! Don't expect any back flips onto your penis!"

Meanwhile, Jason Todd continues to delay Bruce's retirement.

Maybe this book isn't about Jason Todd being killed by The Joker at all! Maybe this book is about Batman paying The Joker to kill Jason Todd because Batman is old and tired and want an excuse to quit! And if Jason Todd isn't going to be the Batman Bruce wants him to be, Bruce will have to train a new Robin which could take more years than Bruce has left in him. But if Robin dies under his watch, he can pretend he's hanging up the cape out of mourning and respect!

Poison Ivy is running some scam where she makes rich people love her so that they give her their money. That's the story acting like the main story while The Joker escaping Arkham is pretending to be the B-Plot.

Hate! It's a circle that turns round upon itself!

The previous panel sent me on a quest to watch my favorite two math Schoolhouse Rock videos, Little Twelve Toes and Good Eleven. Little Twelve Toes blew my mind as a kid and Good Eleven, for whatever the fucking reason, makes me cry tears of pure joy. I'm crying right now after having watched it. If I could just distill whatever that fucking song does to me into pill form, I'd be a fucking wreck, probably. "Hey, Tess, why are you crying?!" "Never gave me any trouble til after nine!"

Batman and Robin stop Poison Ivy but Bruce is beaten near to death by Killer Croc in the brawl. As Bruce is bandaged by Alfred later that night, Bruce finds out The Joker is loose again and he's in no shape to stop him. And he doesn't believe Jason is either. So he tells Jason to go to bed and let The Joker do whatever The Joker is going to do anyway. It's just a regular night in Gotham where people are going to be tormented and killed by some maniac. Does it really matter if it happens to be The Joker?

Robin goes out against Batman's orders and is taken by The Joker as the story ends. As Jason is searching for The Joker, Bruce and Alfred discuss their future plans for Jason. They're things that maybe should have been said to Jason and maybe he wouldn't have felt he needed to simply disobey Bruce's orders and commands. Maybe Jason would have survived to be a great Batman had Bruce simply treated him like a partner or a son or a peer instead of a lump of clay or a cadet or an attack dog. And so Jason goes off to his death because Batman forgets to chain him in the yard. Or, you know, treat him like a human being, I guess?

Batman Europa #3

Something's not right here.

The Batman and The Joker are finally honeymooning in Paris! It's the story all of the real Batman fans have been waiting for. I hope they attach a lock to one of the chain link fences on the canal! That was my euphemism for anal sex! Here are some French euphemisms for male-on-male oral sex: climbing the Eiffel Tower on an empty stomach; buttering both baguettes; polishing the bells of Notre-Dame; awakening to the coq; speaking French like a true Parisian; and sniffing the wine while tasting the cheese (that one includes some anal play). Maybe we'll learn some more as we read this comic book because I'm sure everything The Joker says is going to now sound like he's trying to suck Batman off.

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Batman Europa #2

If you were smart like me, you'd recognize the city behind Batman as Prague!

Fine. I didn't recognize the city! Are you happy that you caught me in a lie?! I just remembered that last issue ended by saying "Next: Prague!" So last issue Batman and The Joker were in Germany. This issue, they'll be in that country that Prague is in. You know the one. My readership is the smartest on the net so y'all don't need me to tell you where Prague is, do you?

I hope Prague is a city and not a country or I just made myself look stupid!

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Batman Europa #1

Is this the Jim Lee Didn't Make His Deadline So Just Print Whatever He's Done So Far Variant?

Read the mess of a review over at Patreon!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Batman #40

Who was the Saint who slew the dragon? Wasn't it Galen?

Let's leave Convergence behind for a bit while I finish up all of the Issue Forties that DC Comics couldn't publish on time. I'm off to Sacramento for the weekend to hang out with a bunch of nerds and I'd like to at least read Batman #40 before it's two weeks old. So if any of you are in Sacramento and want to join me for Karaoke on Thursday or Friday or Saturday, drop me a message and I'll ignore it if seems too creepy.

Let's begin with Batman and find out if he's still hallucinating on Super Duper Scarecrow Toxin (mad from the tears and piss of frightened children). I want to believe that what's happening in Endgame is really happening because I love the idea of The Joker being Gotham's personal monster who has been around since the founding of the city. But I just can't buy into one aspect of the story and that's how it all began: with a Jokerized Justice League. How the fuck did The Joker manage to poison the entire Justice League? How did he ensure his toxin could infect humans as well has demigods, Kryptonians, and Atlanteans?! How did The Flash not metabolize it in thirty seconds and either die or return to normal? Why am I asking logical questions about a comic book?!

You know why? Because even when reading a comic book, I want the writer to play fairly with me. And if this story winds up not being a hallucination brought on by Fear Gas, I want it to work because I love this origin of The Joker. And I'd easily let a Jokerized Justice League slide but it just seems like such a big clue pointing toward a hallucination.

The other big clue that the story is all baloney was the conclusion to the back-up story in which we learn that The Joker's origin doesn't matter and will very likely never be known. So why wouldn't this immortal clown living in Gotham for four hundred years be bullshit too? I suppose even if that's true, who he originally was can still be a mystery. But at that point, does it even matter? Knowing what kind of neanderthal Vandal Savage was before he became an immortal, suave, charming, majestic, big-cocked asshole means practically nothing to who he became. Sure, it could be an interesting story to compare the two sides of him. But in the end, do you really care if he was a nice caveman turned into a monster by his new power or if he were always an asshole and when he gained his immortality, all of the other caveman just looked at each other and sighed, "Fucking wouldn't you know it! Of course that dick gets super powers!"

This issue begins with Batman flashing back to the moment of The Joker's creation (well, the previous likely origin moment established in this run of Batman) where the Red Hood falls into a vat of Ace chemicals.

This is the epitome of The Joker. This is what he is. He is the existential creep seeping in at the corners of your supposedly meaningful and happy life. He is the constant nagging of "What if...what if...what if...?" This is why he's Batman's nemesis.

Batman has built his life around controlling the world around him. The Joker occasionally oozes into that world and tells Batman in no uncertain terms that random events are the bread and butter of this universe. Batman is the math trying to describe the universe in just a handful of equations. The Joker is popcorn in a frying pan proving that no matter how much you know about the workings of the universe, you can't determine the final outcome and placement of every kernel sitting in the heated oil.

I fucking hate analogies! They're like how when you want to eat something difficult to swallow, you have to chop it up into smaller pieces that are easier to swallow! But you don't just chop it up so that the smaller pieces are the same as the larger piece! No, you have to take off the skin because that gets caught in the teeth and you have to take out the seeds because you don't want a plant growing in your stomach and you have to throw away all of the bits that don't look or smell very appetizing. And then what you have left, you present to the person that was having trouble swallowing it in the first place and pretend that it's exactly the same thing as the thing they couldn't swallow. But it isn't at all! It's like totally different and cleaned up and morally less ambiguous! Fucking apples are the worst.

The Joker is busy having his big parade. Batman wants to shut it down because parades are garbage! I've never understood why people love parades. One of my least favorite pastimes is sitting in a crowd of people being aurally assaulted by brass sections and snare drums while the occasional horse shits right in front of me. Okay, that just reminded me of the best parts of parades. When horses used to shit right in the middle of the street and bands would have to march right through them if a pooper scooper clown couldn't get to it in time. I think now somebody has invented some kind of horse dump diaper catcher thing. Anyway, fucking parades are the worst.

The Joker's float has a couple of guests of honor on it!

It's the Waynes!

I hope Oswald Cobblepot doesn't recognize Thomas and Martha's skeletons or else he might figure out The Batman's secret identity! You know, because why else would The Joker put their corpses on a float to taunt The Batman?

With the revelation of Batman's parents on the float, I suddenly believe The Joker has a completely different motive for this entire fucking Endgame event. And it makes sense that the story is called "Endgame." Why would The Joker be pissing off Batman to this extent unless he's trying to commit suicide by Batman? It makes sense, right? The Joker goes to enormous lengths to make Batman believe he's immortal and then he completely pisses Bruce way the fuck off. Batman, believing The Joker can take more punishment than he really can (due to all the clues and also to having seemingly survived the gun blasts by Gordon which The Joker probably faked up somehow), kills the shit out of The Joker by accident. Perhaps The Joker laughs like a maniac as he dies because he finally got Batman to kill. Or maybe The Joker sheds a tear because he's just so fucking exhausted and he's so happy to be put out of his misery by his best friend and one true love.

I'm kind of falling in love with The Joker a little bit myself.

The crowd of psychotic revelers is too thick to make it to The Joker's float so Batman has Bane give him a leg up. Bane tosses Batman onto the dinosaur where the fuckfight to end all fuckfights is about to happen.

Except Batman fucks it all up. Once he gets The Joker in his grip, he takes a few seconds to talk to Penny-Two instead of jabbing a syringe into The Joker's spine. The Joker activates some kind of audio system that bombards everybody with laughter. The sound cracks the gas masks on everybody's faces and then The Joker releases a fast-acting toxic venom that will kill anybody not already infected with The Joker's previous toxin. And since The Batman is closest to The Joker, he sucks down the toxin first. But before he dies, The Joker is compelled by Comic Book Law to explain how the game was rigged and Batman was never going to be able to find a cure anyway! Because The Joker's internal Dionesium was tainted! Because the last mining shaft with any left was too deep under Gotham and rigged to blow! Because, well, because Batman is just a huge failure!

And then The Joker decides to remove the Bat-mask so that Batman can watch his city fall with the same eyes that watched his parents killed, the eyes...

We've been waiting for Dick to be revealed as not dead for months in the pages of Batman and Robin. I'm glad it didn't happen there because this was pretty fucking delicious.

Obviously Batman is down in the well getting the Dionesium because The Jeezly Crow Batman should always...ALWAYS...be a step or twenty ahead of his opponent. They don't call him The Batman for nothing!

That made more sense in my head before I typed it.

It seems Batman outwitted The Joker by figuring that The Joker had never shown this kind of healing factor in any other encounter before this. So if he begins with the assumption that The Joker only gained the power since their last encounter, perhaps The Joker discovered the pool of Dionesium after dropping deeper into the caverns at the end of Death of the Family. Batman got a look at the Court of Owls model of Gotham which had tunnels that seemed to agree with the theory. He then dropped his mapping ball into the pit The Joker fell into and he found the location. After that it was necessary to just keep The Joker misdirected. Dick put on the cowl and Batman went to work.

Batman has enough time to get a sample of the Dionesium but not enough time to get out himself before The Joker turns up.

Now we'll get the fuckfight to end all fuckfights! Although this one won't have a really great ass in it.

During the fight, The Joker gives Batman a happy face scar across his back which all of Bruce Wayne's future girlfriends are going to be intensely curious about. And The Batman doses The Joker with something that will block his healing ability. Then The Joker puts out Batman's eye with a playing card and then The Batman bites off The Joker's ear. I think they're both going to have to roll into that healing spring at this point.

A quick word about The Joker finding this healing spring deep in the caverns of Gotham's underground! Um, kudos to you, Scott Snyder! Something needed to happen to give The Joker his face back after Tony S. Daniel had it cut off in the first month or so of The New 52! I'm sure the pool will be destroyed so that it can't be abused after this story. But Batman will probably bring enough to the surface to help Alfred reattach his serving hand. Bruce Wayne can't have a butler with just one hand! What will the other rich bastards think?!

Eventually the two of them wind up exhausted, Rocky and Apollo style. At that point, it's time for another villain's speech except this time to Bruce's face instead of Bruce's Dick.

If this were a David Lynch movie, you'd have to figure all of this shit out for yourself. But comic book villains are nice and helpful!

Batman throws The Joker under a falling stalactite which breaks his back. He begins to crawl to the pool of Dionesium when The Batman gets him in a chokehold and begins playing a game of chicken with The Joker. He beats The Joker by making The Joker fear his own imminent death. He also gets The Joker to forgive Batman which is just icing on the cock. Cake! I said cake!

Now all Batman needs to do is take a quick soak in the Dionesium pool and everything will be as good as new!

Whoops!

Batman and The Joker lie together bleeding in the collapsing cave as Julia Pennyworth recovers the sample of Dionesium to save Gotham. Two weeks later, Alfred is in the hospital and The Batman is still missing. But he left a note which sends Alfred into a long ramble about what it means to be The Batman and how his story will always end in tragedy even when it doesn't have to. The tragic flaw and all that. The note simply says, "HA." Alfred interprets it as Bruce laughing at the void and accepting his death. Or something.

While Alfred rambles, the panels show the outside of the Gotham Royal Theater. At one point, a father and son limp by in shadow: the boy with a hat and jacket with the Robin "R" on it, the father using crutches with bandages on his face. A janitor cleans out the the theater and, in doing so, tosses the Deus Ex Machina into the dumpster. There will be no sudden salvation for Batman at the end of this story.

Batman #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. Well fuck. Alfred doesn't want his right hand back and Bruce didn't want to live. Great story but it still feels like a hallucination since it was about the death of Batman. Although I think Snyder gets to write that death of Batman story without actually having killed him. Comics being what they are, we'll never get a definitive end for Batman. But, as Snyder writes, we all know in our heart that Batman's story is a tragedy and must certainly end, one day, in his death even, as Alfred points out, it doesn't have to. And the final Batman story must always, also, be the final Joker story. So Snyder gets to write his final Batman story without making it an imaginary tale. And having the two month hiatus until next issue lets it feel like an ending. It's the best comic books can do since they're a continuing middle story without an end. But, comics being comics, we even get the glimpse of, most likely, Bruce and Damian walking down the street because the story must continue. Batman probably sucked The Joker's cock using up the last of the Dionesium in The Joker's system and then was dug out of the rubble by Damian who hurt his eye as well!

Addendum on the Possible (probable!) Hallucination Scenario:

Does the "HA." note make more sense if this is a nightmare? I think it does since the "nightmare" is much more like a joke. And something I didn't pick up on until a night's sleep was the whole aspect of equating Joker with death, "the Pale Man." The whole story is about Batman coming to terms with his own death. That's what the Scarecrow Toxin does. Makes him experience his death over and over again. By the final hallucination, the one that must inevitably be about The Joker, Batman accepts death as a friend and welcomes it instead of fears it. I was reading the final conversation as Batman toying with The Joker but he really is in a kind of manic, unstable mental state there at the end. He's elated that he's reached a point where he isn't desperately clinging to life. He doesn't fear for everybody else's safety if he's gone. Dick is there, and the others. And thus the "HA." being both a final laugh at this whole "joke" and also Batman coming to terms with death. He's reached a level of enlightenment and calm that he's not quite had up until this point. And that could be Snyder's "big change" to Batman. Maybe he'll be less uptight come June?

Batman #38

The Flash is a dick.

Last issue, things fell apart. The Joker cut off Jim Gordon's head (probably!) and called Batman on his personal number. He began the conversation with a friendly, "Hello, Bruce!" That's when Batman shit his pants and almost dropped the kid he had under his arm while flying around Gotham.

Maybe that's why The Joker is suddenly so upset with Batman. Because The Joker just found out that The Batman isn't The Batman at all! Maybe it's not that he didn't care who Batman really was. Perhaps he really didn't consider that Batman was anybody but Batman until he stumbled upon Lex Luthor's Wordpress where he posted this bit of Celebrity Math:

Too bad Lex can't figure out the equation that would reveal Superman's identity! Here's a hint, Lex: add glasses!

Once The Joker found out that The Batman was living a double life, The Joker felt betrayed! You mean Batman isn't Batman every hour of every day? The Joker remains steadfastly dedicated to being The Joker (even after removing his face, apparently!) but The Batman was not as fully committed. That must be why The Joker is so hurt this time. The Batman has to be either The Batman or Bruce Wayne. He can't eat his cake and masturbate on it too!

I mean, I guess if he did it in the reverse order, he could.

Batman heads over to Jim Gordon's place as the comic begins. He drags along the kid he saved because what else is he going to do with him? There are Joker-maddened people all over the city! As Batman flies through Jim's neighborhood, he gives a little tour guide spiel.

...rent controlled.

Now that The Joker has become the Pennywise of Gotham (I'm just going to assume that anybody who had not yet read Stephen King's It before they read my commentary on Batman #37 went out and read it immediately after. And don't think seeing Tim Curry talk about everybody floating down there is equitable to having read the novel. Sure, it's good. But did the made for television mini-series have a gangbang between twelve year olds? Wait. That probably isn't helping sell the good qualities of the book), he's obviously made his home in the only part of Gotham that still exists as it did hundreds of years ago. So he's Jim Gordon's neighbor! He might even have been living in Jim's closet all this time!

If The Joker really is some kind of supernatural or alien force that has bonded with the city and uses it to feed every so many years, it explains why Gotham is such a fucking pit of despair no matter how many villains Bruce punches in the throat. But it also means that Batman has been hopelessly trying to save the city which he thought was his, and then he thought it was cheating on him with the Court of Owls, and now he's going to find out it's actually The Joker's?! Holy Bat Aneurysm! And Batman has been avoiding killing The Joker because he thought somebody or something worse would rise up to take The Joker's place. But now he's going to have to wonder: is The Joker even able to be killed?!

His balloon animals must be bullet proof.

Batman sends Duke, the kid he saved, to gather the first aid kit from the bathroom. Is that enough to make Duke another one of Batman's sidekicks?

Duke hesitates and while Batman tries to convince Duke to do what he says and to stop worrying about his possibly dead parents (fucking hypocrite!), Jim Gordon recovers and tries to lighten the mood with some new jokes.

Julia Pennyworth shows up to tranq Jim and say things like "Tally-ho!" and "Chim Cheree!" Turns out this version of The Joker's toxin is deadly after a certain amount of time (I always just assumed they all were! I guess if one of his toxins wasn't deadly, it was probably just a mistake on his part) so Batman is going to have to get his ass in gear and save the day already.

Julia takes Duke back to the Batcave while Batman heads back out to find The Joker. While searching, he takes a call from Dick who has analyzed The Joker's blood. Turns out that it contains a regenerative that's stronger than the regenerative waters of a Lazarus Pit. Does that mean if Batman chops off The Joker's head, he'll grow into two new Jokers?

Dick Grayson begins working on a cure for the Joker Virus which is chemically or biologically or punch-line-ically opposite The Joker's blood. I think that means to save the city this time, Batman is going to have to spray everybody with The Joker's pee! The Batman loves saving Gotham with Golden Showers.

Batman figures that whatever The Joker spiked his blood with that's making him practically immortal, it had to come from the scientists working with Dr. Helfern, the guy that made that regenerative bone serum which turned him into a monster back in Zero Year. And then Batman tells Dick that The Joker knows who he is and Dick says, "Well, that's it then! Game, set, and match! The Joker has won! Throw in the towel. It's over! Kaput! You finally lost, Batman. Nice knowing you!" That seems like a bit of a fucked up reaction!

Meanwhile, The Joker takes a swim. At least the regenerative crap in his blood explains the new face.

The Joker must be headed for the Batcave. That would be nice because I'd love to see Alfred blast him with his shotgun and now he can without the DC Universe losing Batman's biggest foe. Or maybe he's just swimming in his fountain of hilarity. Also, it's a fountain of youth.

The Batman pays a visit to Paul Dekker who, judging by the "shawl" he has on, and the mustache, and the fact that he's an artist and his science breakthrough was a "healing stitch," I'm going to guess that he's Crazy-Quilt. Earlier Dick said "Huh. Paul Dekker? AKA--" and then Batman cut him off. I'm sure he was going to say Crazy-Quilt!

Crazy Quilt tells Batman legends about eternal youth and magic healing. He brings up Vandal Savage and Ra's al Ghul as evidence. And he includes in that list, The Joker. Present long before Gotham began but having taken root in the city from the beginning. Gotham's Pennywise.

Remember when Denny's was doing that Baconalia promotion? It wasn't as exciting as I thought it would be.

Crazy Quilt injects himself with something given to him by The Joker which seems like a really stupid idea. Turns out, it was a really stupid idea. He decomposes and falls to his death. Meanwhile, Julia Pennyworth, using facial recognition software, has uncovered dozens of photos of The Joker throughout Gotham's history. Batman is still betting on Photoshop. But I think he doesn't want to admit that all of those times he told people that The Joker was "just a man," he was wrong. And now he'll have to admit to having been wrong on so many occasions!

After declaring that this can't be real, Batman decides to go visit The Court of Owls. Bruce is just going to have to face it already: Gotham has never truly been his. Gotham might not even want to be in a relationship with Batman! It sure has a lot of secrets it's been keeping from him. And I think you're not supposed to keep secrets from people you love. Or from hundreds of strangers on the internet too, if you go by my logic.

The back-up story is another inmate telling another tale about how The Joker came to him and explained to him who The Joker is. So now that's four stories about The Joker that I can't really remember very well. I hope they aren't too important to understanding Endgame!

Batman #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. For Batman's own sanity, I think he should go off and start his own city and force it to love him right from the beginning. Then Batman can keep a close eye on it and make sure it's not meeting weird Owl People in sleazy motels late at night, or married to a second, crazier, paler spouse.

Batman Annual #3

Titling this Batman/Joker story arc "Endgame" seems a bit premature for a universe that's barely three years old. And in which we've only read one real Joker/Batman story. Possibly two. Maybe.

This issue begins with a flashback to five years ago when The Joker and Harley were still dating. They're planning a big circus in Gotham with lots and lots of laughing people in animal costumes that probably aren't dying from poison gas. No, no, don't worry about them. Convulsing on the floor and giggling is just part of the act! And because nobody in their right mind wants to go to a circus, the circus will come to the people and drive them straight out of their right mind!

Having just returned to Gotham after five years out of country, Thomas Blackcrow (who really began this issue in a cell in Arkham Manor but I didn't want to talk about him because he's just this guy, you know?), has decided to interview The Joker! It's going to be the biggest scoop of a lifetime! Just wait until Lois Lane hears about this one! She'll fucking piss her panties!

Following a tip, Thomas Blackcrow sneaks into The Joker's lair where he spies on him for a bit as he tries to come up with an angle for his story.

I have a good angle! Find out why anybody would be crazy enough to work for this maniac! How does he find enough muscle to pull off all his insane games? How does he pay for his elaborate traps?!

Oh wait. That story is solved on the very next page.

I guess it wasn't much of an angle.

My angle was better than the one Thomas Blackcrow comes up with! His angle is that The Joker is lonely and has no friends! Is that really much of an angle though? I mean, don't most men and women in positions of leadership forgo friendships because nobody can really be trusted? It doesn't seem like people are going to pick up their morning papers and feel sympathy when they read a maniac that terrorizes their city is fucking lonely.

But I get it. I know why he comes up with that angle. Because this story was called "Friends" and in it, we're going to learn why The Joker thinks of Batman as his friend. I should probably do a Friends update for this commentary! But I'm not going to because I'm way too busy to watch twenty minutes of a sitcom tonight.

And just in time to save Thomas Blackcrow, The Joker's BBF shows up!

That wasn't a typo! It's his Best Bat Friend! And the best Robin who has never let the world beat him down!

Batman and Robin haul in The Joker and Harley Quinn and Thomas Blackcrow publishes his piece called "The Loneliest Clown." Forget what I said about Lois Lane pissing her panties! Unless it's from laughter! This guy is a fucking hack! A clown! A joker!

So it's now one year after Tommy published his silly article and The Joker has escaped. And guess who he's come for?! His new bestest bud in all the world: Tommy Blackcrow!

I'm taking notes so I can try all of these things out on the next person I'd like to be my friend.

After this scare, The Joker is captured and put back in Arkham. But once again, peace for Tommy only lasts for six months.

The best part about this story so far is that it builds a nice history leading up to that Endgame story. So it's trying to help fix that problem I brought up in the caption for the cover scan. And all of these breakouts by The Joker aren't grand schemes that he's carrying out and making life difficult for Batman. It looks like The Batman catches him fairly easily each time. At least at first. I'm sure he's learning every time he battles The Bat.

That Joker is so sweet! Or did I mean creepy?

Once again, The Joker is caught only to escape one year later and visit Tommy again. This time Tommy is married and The Joker just comes by to meet his best friend's wife. They spend the evening looking at slides of The Joker's victims. But then it's time for The Joker to get back to work and Arkham, so he bids them adieu. For now.

Much later, Tommy's life falls apart as he constantly worries about The Joker's return. He checks up daily on The Joker's face to make sure it's still in the Gotham Police Department. Until one day he discovers The Joker has been working in the basement of his cabin, making faces for his next big joke to pull on Batman. And that's when Tommy finally loses it and gets thrown into Arkham. And that's where he meets Eric Border, his newest, bestest friend he's ever had ever!

Batman Annual #3 Rating: The Joker has made more friends than I have in the last ten years! Does that make me the loneliest clown now?

Batman #37

I don't think this cover is in continuity!

Oh my god! I was planning on being caught up by January 7th but there's no way I'll keep to my three comic books per day schedule with New Year's Eve happening! Why didn't somebody warn me about this shit?! Now I have to go up to Seattle and get drunk and not read any comic books and then have a hangover the next day and then drive home and then not read any comics. The new year is already off to a horrible start!

The problem with falling behind my intended schedule could also just be my fault. Today wasn't a holiday or anything and the only comic book I've read so far was Teen Titans! I have to get through Batman and Trinity of Sin before I go to bed. My wish for 2015 is that a meteor hits Earth and fucks up its rotation so that days wind up having more hours in them. But it slows down the Earth's orbit so that a year is still 365 days! Just the days are now longer and everybody can get more done and everybody's life expectancy drops about ten years. It might be more or less. I haven't actually done the math on that. Also, I hope the meteor hits Europe or South America or Australia or Antarctica or Africa or Asia because I don't want to die and then not experience the benefits of my New Year's Wish!

Scott Snyder truly Lobdell's this opening.

Comic book begins with a full page static image? Check. Narration Boxes all over the place? Check. The character tells the reader (or himself, but, you know, same thing, really) who he is? Check. Congratulations, Scott Snyder! You have achieved the rank of Scott Lobdell!

Batman awakens in the Batcave under Arkham with Julia and Alfred already working The Joker case (actually, the Batcomputer is probably doing most of the work. It just never gets the credit it deserves, you know?). The Joker has released a toxin into Gotham. Surprise! I bet nobody saw that one coming! The Joker must have been a biochemist in a previous life.

To combat the toxin, Batman needs to find Patient Zero to draw some blood and hopefully create an anti-toxin.

Didn't I already read this comic this month? I think this is more proof that this is some kind of fever dream brought on by the Scarecrow's Piss and Tears Fear Formula. Otherwise why isn't Batman mentioning how similar this is to the Justice League's battle with the Amazo Virus? Or, if that took place after this, why isn't anybody mentioning The Joker Toxin while battling the Amazo Virus? It's too similar not to at least mention in some off-hand way!

Superman: "We've got to find Patient Zero so Lex can find a cure!"
Batman: "He got that idea from me, you know. That's what I did to beat The Joker last month."

James Gordon has barricaded himself in his house in Gotham and is waiting on Batman to send him the cure.

I hope they call it The Fremesis Toxin!

Wait a second. Was that Babs at the window?

As Batman searches Gotham Presbyterian, Gordon does research on it. And just like Mike Hanlon found archival photo after archival photo featuring none other than Pennywise the Clown, Gordon begins to find pictures from the past with The Joker always in the background. Even in his own picture of his kids on the day they got their tonsils out, there is a creepy white arm just inside the doorway to his kids' room. But before he can report to Batman that he's suddenly hallucinating because these pictures can't be true, the Bogeyman appears in his closet.

They did the Knock Knock joke all out of order!

While The Joker torments Gordon, Batman discovers Patient Zero is Joe Chill. And the ward he's in has been set up to look like Crime Alley. And a poor, innocent family has been set loose to help Joe Chill reenact Batman's most cherished memory. So I guess if this isn't a dream, The Joker did know Batman's identity all along! And probably all of the other Batkids' identities too! Which would mean that Scott Lobdell's writing on Death of the Family was perfectly adequate and not a complete and total screw up after all!

No, no. This must all be a dream because that's too much to bear.

Batman keeps everybody from being shot but the parents turn into Joker People. He runs off with the kid while Gordon tells him on the phone that Gordon has just killed The Joker. Well, he did shoot him. But killed might be a little bit optimistic.

Oh! I bet Lex Luthor told him! Or maybe The Joker was the second person to realize Bruce was Batman after Nightwing's secret identity was blown.

I suppose The Joker never cared about anyone but Batman in the past. But now that he feels betrayed by Batman, he's decided the masks are off and it's time to hurt Bruce. Although I thought the whole point of removing his face previously was to show that the masks were off?

The back-up story is one of the possible secret origins of The Joker. It's a cross between Stephen King's It and A Nightmare on Elm Street. The Joker is the ghost clown of Gotham who haunts the city and grows stronger with every laugh! That's probably why he hates The Batman because The Batman is terrible at telling jokes.

Batman #37 Rating: No change. I wish The Batman would stop finding so much in common with all of his nemeses! Now he's on a first name basis with The Joker? Obviously The Joker's first name is Pennywise. Batman will probably start using it next issue. Sheesh. Just get a room, guys.

Batman #36

Superman's squishing grapes again?

Superman may like to believe that he'd never knowingly do anybody any harm but he's losing control of his faculties far too often for anybody on Earth to be comfortable. At this point, I think I finally have to side with everybody who fears Superman will become a menace. Because he keeps becoming a menace! He's getting mind controlled and he's getting Doomsday Herpes and he's getting poisoned by The Joker. He really needs to agree to a lead lined tooth containing a shard of Kryptonite which Batman can blow at any moment, shooting the Kryptonite up into Superman's brain and killing him instantly. Because this whole Superman going on a rampage but it isn't his fault shit that keeps going down? Unacceptable!

Speaking of people killing people but evading punishment, remember when Lois Lane helped kill all of those people in the Doomed story? Why hasn't she gone on trial? Why hasn't she paid for being part of that catastrophe?

Last issue, Batman was battling his friends because The Joker put his dick in their potato salad. That's his calling card! Well, that and Joker Gas. You don't often see him put his dick in the potato salad though because DC doesn't have any ratings that allow for on-panel penis pictures. Just imagine a big white cock with the foreskin cut off but stapled back onto it so his peehole is now an exaggerated grimace of its former self. Now imagine The Joker lost his foreskin and The Joker's Daughter is wearing it as a merkin.

Currently The Batman is getting his ass kicked by Superman because no matter how many fanboys say that The Batman can beat Superman, none of them actually believe it. At least, not if it were real. They're all just cynical bastards that know Batman is DC's love child and he'll win every fight forever.

Aren't they heavy?

Scott Snyder writes some good shit when he's equating Gotham City to a cheating spouse and making Batman cry streams of tears all over his suddenly flaccid batcock. But he doesn't write "weapons that will bring down Superman" very well. Or very differently, I guess. I suppose he was sick of Kryptonite everythings to take down Superman, so now Snyder creates Red Sun everythings to bring Clark down. Because didn't General Lane use some kind of Red Sun Bullets against Supes in Superman Unchained? And now these ridiculous Mini-Red Suns that aren't big dense gravitational wells of suck? I suppose Ray Palmer did something so scientific to them that it might as well be magic (but with the added bonus that it doesn't have a detrimental cost to your soul!).

What I'm trying to say is this: I guess Batman can beat Superman if he's going to fucking cheat, the cheater. Mini-red suns! What's Scott Snyder trying to do? Drop Batman's rank beneath Jeff Lemire's Justice League United? Don't think I won't do it, sir!

How the fuck did Batman and Ray Palmer discover the technology in the last five years (giving the benefit of the doubt that they started quite early in their super heroing careers) to travel across the galaxy collecting red suns?! And how did they do it without Superman looking over side-eyed and saying, "Whatcha doin with all them red suns, guys?" And isn't a little irresponsible to leave red sun pods lying around the house where a child or his dog or his cat or his cow could find and eat them because they look like candy? Bruce is lucky Damian didn't die! I mean, in that manner.

But are you prepared for his super fart?

Nobody is prepared for Superman's super fart because nobody but Wonder Woman knows it exists (and she only recently learned of it when he dutch ovened her). Superman always excuses himself from the satellite when he has to pass gas and then aims his ass out of the solar system on the Y axis so it doesn't orbit the movement of the other planets. And every time he does it, some other great civilization light years and millennia away will someday ponder the source of the Great Gamma Ray Expulsions.

Last issue I pointed out that Batman beat Aquaman with gum. Well, guess what?

Guess who's going to get mouth cancer?!

I hope Krypto and Titus fight next!

The Justice League wind up in ARGUS to have the Joker Toxin removed from their systems over the next few days. Boy are they going to be embarrassed when they find out Batman really can beat all of them all by himself! They'll probably blame Aquaman.

While they're recovering, Batman figures he should probably find and stop The Joker as quickly as possible. Will he tell the Bat-family about it? If all this takes place after Batman Eternal, where is Damian? Does the return of Damian story just kind of take place immediately after it finishes and then all the other stories will suddenly begin including Damian?

What if Damian never actually comes back?! What if Batman should finally just say, "Fuck it. I'll just get a new one! I've done it before!" The next time he picks a Robin, he should pick one with super powers! Like invulnerability or immortality!

Since Alfred is still sore from having to appear in a comic book every week as opposed to his usual monthly schedule, his daughter Julia decides to help Batman catch The Joker. I hope he warns her to duck the crowbar.

Fremeses!

Batman decides to look for clues and the only place he knows to look for them is in The Joker's old cell in Arkham. Which isn't a pile of rubble, so I guess the building just collapses into a crater and mostly stayed intact. So now it's Arkham Dungeon. The Joker's usual cell is 0801 which Batman notes is the eighth and first letter of the alphabet (let me help you out: HA). I thought it was O BOI! Or Lobo backwards! I guess that's why I'm not the World's Greatest Detective!

Batman has such a hard time finding clues that The Joker...I mean, Eric Border, Night Nurse, comes along to help him find some. And the clue is...Eric Border is the clue! And the mystery! And the solution! Surprise! He's The Joker! And he has a new face somehow!

I hope the fact that he has his old face means he killed The Joker's Daughter! Not that I inherently dislike The Joker's Daughter. But once you steep in Ann Nocenti's stink for long enough, there's just no getting it out.

The Joker tells Batman (who is now paralyzed by Joker Toxins) a really funny punchline but not much of a joke. The punchline is that everybody in Gotham is going to die. Maybe it isn't a joke. The last time I heard that punchline, it was at the end of a riddle.

The back-up story is more of that intellectual stuff that I totally understand. I know it's intellectual because I don't understand it. I mean, I realize other people don't understand it. But not me! No siree! I totally get what's going on and how it all weaves into the main story! So obvious! But it's better that you figure it out for yourself. You'll feel real proud when you finally work it all out. Don't be ashamed if you never do because you're just not as good at reading comic books as I am. But then, who is, really?

Batman #36 Rating: That red sun knuckle thing was almost a disaster! But that Joker stuff was creepy. Plus he has a new face. And Greg Capullo draws a good looking Bruce Wayne. So this book is still one of DC's best even though I hate giving Batman that kind of credit. It goes straight to his stupid bat ears.

Futures End #12

Of course when you send a group of heroes to fight a high technological threat in deep space, you want to arm them with melee weapons.

Current status: Hungry.
Supplemental Status: Not hungry enough to overcome laziness.

People are constantly wondering when the future will arrive and we'll have teleporters and food replicators and hover cars and jet packs. I just want a mind-controlled food replicator that teleports the food into my stomach. We're in the year 2014 and we're not better off than the hunter/gatherers of yore! I probably have more to say about this but now I can't get the superhero name, Yore Mom, out of my head. Maybe she can team up with Madame Edamame!

Oh! I just realized how we are better off than those stupid ancestors of ours although I never utilize this civilized option: food delivery! Why am I not taking advantage of this astounding invention? Is it possible I'm not hungry enough nor am I lazy enough to overcome how ultimately cheap I am?! Yeah, I think that's it.

I probably shouldn't call my ancestors "stupid." They were smart enough to survive long enough to fuck so that eventually I would be here, miserable and hungry and awash in multiple existentialist crises! The jerks!

Has the future arrived yet? I'm still hungry! I guess I have to read a comic book on an empty stomach. Nobody has ever had it so rough.

Currently in Futures End, Frankenstein, Hawkman, and Amethyst have discovered a planet full of robots with that secret Futures End symbol on their faces! This must be the planet of the Evil Mr Smarty Pants (that's the non-gender specific form of "mister." You know the one. The one I just declared exists). The robots are not very happy to meet them nor are they very good at the science.

Why differentiate "necrotic" from "carbon-based"? And isn't Hawkman technically an Nth Metal based life form?

The robots seem to be a combination of Geiger's alien and Lucas's battle droids. They also have all the effectiveness of Stormtroopers because they can't even beat three people armed with medieval weapons. The Engineer appears on the scene although she's switched sides. She spouts some nonsense in binary and subdues the heroes all by herself.

Anybody have any ideas what the Evil Mr Smarty Pants three circles connected by two lines symbol might stand for? It just looks like a water molecule to me. Except all the atoms are the same size, so that can't be it. It could represent ozone except I think ozone's three oxygen molecules bind in three ways, so forget I even brought it up. It could just be a really easy maze! Maybe it's a representation of a reproductive system? It could also be the symbol for the way DC can only think up Borg-like threats to the universe where the bad guy constantly assimilates everybody else to become like-minded circles!

Back on earth, a bunch of stuff is happening between Voodoo and Faraday and some person named Mercy that's actually named Courtney so might be Stargirl five years down the line and post punked to the hilt. It's all written in a way that doesn't let the reader know anything that's actually going on but supposed to make the reader think, "I'm so excited to find out what's going on!" Of course, I'm just thinking, "Tell me what the fuck is going on, you stupid fucking comic book assholes! Stop stringing me along not telling me what the story I'm reading is all about before I stop reading your stupid fucking story and burn down the local church!"

My anger can get out of control sometimes. Especially when I'm hungry! According to Snickers commercials (unless it's a different candy bar), I must look like the television well girl from Ringu right now!

"Love that song"? I can get that it's perfect on hold music, but love? I wonder if Voodoo ever stripped to it?

After a short scene in which Rampage finds out that the man she broke out of prison (Ethan) never meant to cure her, the comic book jumps thirty-five years into the future for a short visit with The Joker in Akrham. Brother Eye has a plan for him. Of course, it's a plan that the reader can only speculate about, seeing as how the issue ends before it is revealed.

Being that Infinite Crisis had a half-Batman, half-Joker picture, I suppose they're going to be surgically conjoined.

Futures End #12 Rating: No change. If you're not reading this series, don't worry about picking it up yet. I think it's still on the prologue!

Harley Quinn #1

Another cover with legless Batman! I'm starting to suspect he lost his legs below the knees in his battle against the Crime Syndicate.

Just for safety's sake, I'm going to hate this issue no matter what I think about it.

The stupid issue begins with Sex Kitten Harley (although I found the old costume way sexier and more kitteny) bailing on the Secret Society of Super-Villains meet and greet. Why would she want to work with another group after the shitty experience she had with Waller's Suicide Squad? And who wants to work for a bunch of Justice League wannabes anyway? So she heads back to Gotham, probably in the hopes of running into Mr. J. She hasn't had a really good berating in a long time now.

Her first order of business is to sit on the ledge of a building and contemplate her past. Her family was a disorganized bunch of screaming yahoos, so she decided to stay in college for as long as possible which meant getting her Doctorate in Criminal Psychology. She also must have realized that the best way to become a super villain was to go to college. Once in college, she had her choice of learning science or dating a professor until the professor broke her heart. She chose science! I think that's because comic book women in college only used to pick the professor back in the Silver Age when women only wanted to be wives and housekeepers.

Eventually, Harleen Quinzel accepted a job at the prestigious Arkham Asylum!

Didn't she take gymnastics in college or something? They just glossed over her entire academic career in one page!

Isn't about-to-go-crazy Harley simply the most adorable thing you've ever seen? No? I didn't think so either! Stupid bad artist that is getting everything wrong by making everybody so cute! The Joker doesn't look menacing at all! I just want to hug his face off!

While working undercover as a crazy time girl so that she could see the world through the crazy time peoples' eyes, Harleen discovers her love for The Joker. And when she gets yelled at by a superior, Harleen decides to fuck the entire place! How dare her manager point out how unprofessional she was being! It's time to get even!

Harleen may also have been a little bit crazy because of something the Joker did when he kissed her. There was a "clk"ing sound which could have been their teeth knocking together or it could have been the Joker biting her lip or it could have been the Joker's tongue working a hypodermic needle that injected Harleen Quinzel with crazy time juice. Or Harleen simply snapped because she was so good at compartmentalizing her ordered and her chaotic side. Maybe the "clk" was the Joker's crazy time charm locking away Harleen's ordered side for all time! It might be some kind of metaphor is what I mean. I don't mean he had a key on his tongue and he locked Harley's throat when he rammed it down the back.

Here we see the Joker turning Harley Quinn into an object that only he could love. Although I suppose it didn't really work since Floyd enjoys spending time in her clown car as well.

After the Joker gives her her permanent makeover, Harley hits the streets of Gotham to put together her outfit.

Oh crap. Women on women violence. I shouldn't be finding this so sexy! Dammit, Neil Googe! Why do you have to draw beat up women so hot!? I'm getting mixed messages that I'm too stupid to ignore! You're as bad as Jeff Johnson drawing nearly dead female Legionnaires in drop dead sexy positions!

Those stockings are pretty fucking cute though. But what game are they playing that uses a cane? Old person field hockey? Disabled in one leg cricket? Oh, who cares! Look at the stockings!

Harley manages to find enough other women with clothing that matches her new hair, so she beats them all up and builds her outfit. She also finds a novelty over-sized mallet in a pawn shop window that she just falls in love with. And that's how Harleen Quinzel became the Harley Quinn everybody fucking hates! Although I think she's totally adorable. She just needs better writers, is all.

Oh gee whiz!

This issue would be so much like the Lobo issue if they'd put Harley in her old costume on the cover and then have Harley hunting down the other Harley wearing her face and using her name and acting like Harley Quinn would ever join the Suicide Squad!

Harley begins to judge everybody for the way they choose to live their lives just because it's not the way she now chooses to live her life. She thinks that breaking free from the life she had been living makes her better than everybody else. As if everybody is living a shit life because they aren't making the choices she made. Everybody thinks they're on the road less traveled when they're really all just bunched together; everybody thinks they're the wolf among the sheep; everybody wants to think they're making the most out of life. Harley, you're just one of everybody.

Guess what, doll. Living outside of the box still puts you in a box of people living outside of the box.

Back in college, my creative writing teacher read aloud a story written by one of the students. The story was about how he had risen above the rest of the sheep by doing mushrooms. He was above the rules society had made and had ventured out further than most would dare to go! I believe he even used the phrase "a wolf amongst sheep." Yes, I sat there thinking that he was an idiot because it felt, to me, that the act of taking mushrooms was for him a way to step outside the box that everybody else lives in. And yet there I sat having only done mushrooms for the rip-roaring good times, the special effects, and the wonderful, exhilarating loss of ego that, if lucky, sometimes accompanied the trip. How could I have missed what a profound leap in the social hierarchy I was making? How could I not have documented such a grand step to rise above the other sheep in the world?! How could he think he was the only fucking jerk to ever do drugs? And to assume that the people who chose not to do drugs were meeker or worse at life than he was? At least his positive take on the experience was better than the negative cliche about people just using drugs to escape. I always described it like playing tennis. Some days I want to play tennis, some days I want to explore text adventure games on the computer, and some days I want to hallucinate. If taking drugs is an escape, so is every other fucking thing we do. But you can paint your activities in the light of avoidance or you can partake of them in the pure bliss of partaking in them. Or, like the creative writer, you can do them to be better than everybody else, I guess.

Harley seems to be reacting to all the pressure she felt while going through her college courses. Order comes from working and thinking, thinking and working. Those were two out of three of her main activities. The other was trying to ignore the chaos in her house.

Harley has done an awful lot of Narration Boxing in this thing.

After skipping out on the Super Secret Society of Super-Villains, Harley sets her free Gameboy plan in motion and blows the heads off a bunch of children in Gotham. She's still trying to win him back, isn't she?

Deadshot meets up with her because he's trying to keep an eye on her before she winds up back in the Joker's arms. Also, he's inviting her back to the Suicide Squad to help save Amanda Waller. He doesn't mention the ten million dollars she paid him though. He's probably just going to get her in on the action for free. Because getting paid is so in the fucking box.

Harley Quinn #1 Rating: I really did try to hate it but I actually kind of liked it. Even with all the Narration Boxing. I can't fault it for not revealing much of her relationship with the Joker because I'm sure that will be told somewhere at some time (like maybe in her comic book?). It was mostly the story of how she got her New 52 look. So the cover really should have read, "Harley Quinn's Uniform #1." Anyway, I'm sorry I couldn't hate it. The art style was just too adorable. Cutesy animation style is my kryptonite.