Futures End: Green Lantern #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Clorox Cola Theater Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea!

Welcome Back, Scanners! Forgivem any fuckin' typos Goggles yer pal might typo acause my fuckin' fingers ams covered in some dem Shipper's blood. Aw now, don't be worried bouts horny fuckin' Goggles, ja? Ain't never gonna be a day no Shipper so much as lays fingers onna none 'a me lest Goggles wannem too, aight? Little randy fucker was tryin' ta get the finital copy of Green Lantern ouffa the DC Delivery Drone, get me? Last words what little Massengill ever said was somefin like, "Jorris! Jorris! Give us back Harol Jorris!," whatever da fuq dat means, sees? Flittin' weirdies.

Sos, whats da grokkolli on Hal dis monff, enh? Good ole Goggles bout ta give ya the high brow low down, sees? Cuz Goggles's into dis real literachure dat DC keep pumpin' ouffa dere offices, ja? None of that stroke bait for Goggles put out by dat HerSimone, what wit HerSimone books full of naked butts and feminystical ways, what? Na, Goggles gots da real goods heres, feels me?

Wot see wheres we left off'n mit Hal, ja? Hal been chased frough space by'm det little Black Lantern Guardian and hims team-up of corpses.

Dat still makes ya Goggles laff ta see Dan DiDio inside da comic books cause'm dat accident in the nuclear lenticulation labs.

Hal Jordan being teamed up alla wit dat Relic guy what had dat teary bout da limited emotions in da unyverse, ja? Relic ain't fuckin' never met me mom, right? She gots emotionals for years. Why ain't her feelings never run out? Always goin' on and on wit da, "Goggles, why don't you love your mother?" and "Goggles, where is my sweet, sweet cat Petpetunia?" and "Goggles, I'm hungry!" and what not.

Aw ha, Goggles jus' winding ya up, Moms! Youse knows Goggles luffs ya and woulda stopped dat rabid gang of accountants from doin' what dey done, if'n there wouldnna been so Goddessdamned many of 'em, ja? Goggles gots ta look out for old Goggles meself or poor old Goggles ain't gonna be safin' nobody nowheres nomores, ya knows?!

Hey! I tells ya 'bout dat times I come upon dem two dogs fuckin' and dese guys am standing back jus' watching and jerkin' off? Old Goggles be all, "What ya pack 'a weirdies doin', gettin' sexual gratificaction off'n watchin' dem dogs fornificate? Ain't ya guys hungry? Dem dogs got good meats on dem?" And da lead guy, he goin' real hard on his long john bonger, and he say, "Oh naw, Mopes. We ain't horned up or nuffin. We jus' makin' some sauce to eat dem dogs wif." Ha! Now I tells ya, Goggles here seen a lotta shit and eat a lot of crazy tings what move in da dark places. But old Goggles ain't never eat Cum Covered Canine afore! I mean, afore dat day. Dem guys let me joins in dere meal and I gotsta say, Doringo's Ranch ain't gots nuttin' on Nut Upon Dog.

Dissem issue am called, "The Next Life." I guess that be cause Hal movin' on past the Source Walls, or maybe he gonna be joinin' dem Black Lanterns again.

Dat Relic bigger den Blaster Blaster. And Blaster Blaster be a bigem guy what haff ta carry Blaster and Master on hissem back.

Relic, him, he don't seem to mind Hal usin' up his emotions no more. Maybe he doned up some actual sciencing experiments and difcovered dat his origynal hypotheum weren't able ta stand up 'gainst scrutiny. Or he jus' stepped back fors a second and tinks, "Willpower. Why have I thought, these many, many years, that Willpower was an emotion? It does not pull from the limited amount of emotional energy in the universe because it is not an emotion. It is an attribute one possesses which allows one to face down lustful temptations. Perhaps that is why it rests as green in the middle of the light spectrum, balanced between the terrible pull of red's rage and the quiet, beckoning calls of violet's love." Or somefin likes dat.

Previous ta the space battle, Hal Jordan wassem jus' back on Earf in his boxer shorts drinkin' dem beers.

Mister Jordan, youse rather he drinkem up dog's piss and liquified mushroom essence what da Coors Brewing puts in da bottles? At least dey warns da drinkers by labelin' da bottles "Zima."

Hal has hisself a chat a mano mit hims papa bout how his dads died. But Hal jus' wants ta know why and how his papa be back, floatin' dere in da kitchens. Ya see, Krona be the leader of dem Black Lanterns now, and bunches of dem Black Lanterns wants Hal to stop him. But hows he gonna stop a corpse, feels?

Dat be one dem tings me and mine gang fought was goin' ta happen, when dis world be endin' and all. Corpses be everwhere, biting and stumbling and chasing and eviscertatin'. My second, Da Professor, he almays jus' laff when Goggles says, "Be seein' dem walkin' corpses right soon, ja?" He be all, "Well, that's actually a fairly ridiculous notion, Em. When the essential processes of organic life end, the inevitable processes of death take over. These processes make it patently impossible for a corpse to shuffle about. Organic matter decays, sloughing from the body. Electrical impulses no longer exist within the body, making muscle movement impossible. And even if that weren't the case, the body becomes too stiff to move any part of itself without things snapping and breaking. No, it is not the dead we'll ever have need to fear, Em. If something comes after you, you can rest assured that that thing is living. And that being the case, you can stop it by making it dead." He fuckin' smart, that guy were. Too bad how the vote turned out when Goggles and his gang were fuckin' starvin' that time. Miss that fucker.

Fuckin' brainiac, dis one, eh? "Hmm, chaps, I daresay, Black Lantern is an oxymoron!"

Hal an' Relic manages ta beat down Krona mit dere disco ball plan. Relic captures Black Hand's Black Lantern Ring inna Black Box dat might also haff Black Hand's body insides. All dem corpses jus' begins ta disintegrate, zactly like ol' Prof says dey woulds. Den da only Black Lanterns leff ams da good guys what fought back against corruption. Dat right dere shows how fictionalized dis stories ams, beings as not one good person what wouldn't kills dere own loved ones lasted more dan maybe five monffs affer da world comed ta its end. I mean, da world still here, course! We's all livin' in it jus' as dandy as da peach fuzz on a a youngster's smooth skin, what? It's jus' dat "livin'" ain't nuttin' like what nones a yas thunked about it five years ago, ja?

Affer da fights done an' gone, Hal Jordan lies at deaf's door. But hissem father ain't gonna let Hal go gently or nonesuch poetical shit like dat. He gonna stick him up an' on that Source Wall where he be turnin' ta stone and stay alive forever. So guessin' dat mean dis da last issue of Green Lantern we's gonna gits from DC, sees? Mayhaps dat why dat Shipper fighted so hard ta git her pink gloved little hands all overs it. She aight, dough. She gone off mit da Goddess, ressem her souls. Blesseds am the dead and dying, what we's all says, ja? Ain't never gotta feel dat stomach rumble 'n decidin' if'n ya gonna eat any ol' rotten ting ya can find or if'n ya gonna fight someone for dinner dat day. And by fightin' for dinner, ya knows whats I means, right? Twos a yous fights, one of you lives, one of you dies, one of yous eats. Dats da ways, girls.

Until nex' times, unless ya gits lucky 'n da Goddess takes ya first, feels?

Green Lantern Annual #2

Broadway style!

Hear what the critics are saying about the new Broadway hit, "Lights Out!":

"DAZZLING!" -- Barry Allen, CSI: Broadway
"A TRIUMPH OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT!" -- Clark Kent, The Daily Planet
"A UNIVERSAL TOUR DE FORCE!" -- Oracle, The Omnipotent Star
"I COULDN'T STOP GRINNING!" -- The Joker, Tape 34, Inmate Interview

The show begins against a backdrop of stellar lights. An exceedingly large man enters, lit only from behind. A low, mournful moan begins to fill the empty space. He reaches the middle of the stage where his face is lit from above. Tears stream down his cheeks and he blubbers and sniffs uncontrollably. He has a terrifyingly awkward cry face. This goes on for a few minutes as everybody in the audience shifts uncomfortably. He mutters, "I tried to tell them. I tried to show them. Why wouldn't they listen to my unconfirmed theories? Why did they insist on experimental proof to back up my belief that the universe was going to die?" He wanders over to the stage right where a light switch on the wall is suddenly illuminated by a spotlight. "I showed them! Just like this I showed them! The Universe before the Lightswitches! And...THE UNIVERSE AFTER!" After his shout, he flips the light switch and the stellar backdrop goes dark. Only the large man, Relic, is still lit, tears still falling down his face. "And now a new universe and still nobody is willing to listen!" The lights go dark, the stage explodes in cacophony and when the lights come on:

The opening song and dance, paying obvious homage to West Side Story.

The opening duet between Hal and Guy, called "We Lost John," acts to inform the audience of the things that have happened before this scene on Ysmault takes place. It's apparent that a lot has happened up to this point to pit these two men against each other. Guy's lyrics are fast and forceful, sung as if he can't get the words out fast enough or loud enough. Hal's lyrics are drawn out and sustained, with notes often lasting throughout Guy's frenetic outbursts. It is apparent that these two have a long and turbulent history and that they share a good friend, John Stewart, who has been killed in the current cosmic crisis, still a relative mystery to the audience. Guy's erratic dancing is backed up by a cavalcade of vicious looking creatures. Hal's slow, deliberate movements take place in front of a group of softer, more whimsical creatures who sway gently to his song.

From the opening scene, the audience learns that a powerful entity named Relic has been destroying the friends and partners of the people on stage in order to save the universe. Planets are being destroyed. The Lanterns way of life is threatened. And the conflict between Guy and Hal is soon overshadowed by a heartbreaking song by Carol Ferris, the Star Sapphire, Lantern of Love. It's called, "I Love a Real Man Now Instead of a Boy Who Loves Himself (and is Probably the Worst Green Lantern Ever Because He's So Self-Involved)." You might not be able to tell by the title but the emotional impact of the song will bring anyone to tears. At least, anyone who has ever loved somebody that thought they loved you but what they really loved was the person they were when they were being loved by you and didn't actually love you so you had to move on to find somebody capable of actually being able to love you instead of just loving being loved by you. The song is also very funny which you might be able to tell by the title since it's about leaving a quintessential macho fighter pilot man (because he's not much of a man, actually) for a slacker comic book artist who has a history of finding girlfriends in his refrigerator. Okay, just one girlfriend. But that's still a history!

The stage direction is incredible in scenes like these when the cast must travel across vast distances. The movement on stage is facilitated by a moving platform (reminiscent of Les Miserables) with pulleys and bungee cords (reminiscent of Cirque du Soleil).

As Star Sapphire and the rest of the cast are flung up and into the rafters, the stage goes dark for just a few seconds before a large brown backdrop of twisted faces and broken machines merge into a great wall that looks like a rock climber's practice wall. The entirety of the set is lit from the top, casting long shadows across the stage. Relic, the tall man (the illusion of his height reminiscent of the costumes in The Lion King), stands center stage as he sends out probes to examine the wall. He turns to the audience and says, "I need more light." That's when a man dressed all in white emerges from the orchestra pit surrounded by a half dozen small, blue people dressed in costumes probably taken directly from a production of Hair. Kyle (the man in white) and the Bohemian Guardians (the blue people) float about on invisible wires as they move about the large, brown backdrop, investigating it closely. Relic remains, at all times, firmly planted on the stage.

Every time Relic is on stage, the audience is made to feel as uncomfortable as possible. He seems to care about this universe that is not his and yet he is so obviously The Other, the audience is repelled by his passionate speeches. He is the Unheimlich and we shift in our seats and exchange furtive glances and simply wish he'd depart. Especially when he begins singing "Penetrate The Source Wall." Every lyric of the song could be spoken by a first grader and nobody would bat an eye. Yet when sung with Relic's off-putting intensity and sung behind the constant stream of tears and matched to the awful, staccato movements of the Relic puppet-costume, they are disgusting, puerile, offensive, and crude. Lines like "I dedicated my existence to finding my universe's reservoir" bring to mind images of a rapist incessantly stalking its victim as opposed to a dedicated scientist trying to save the Omniverse. And then his rape fantasies that had been projected onto the Source Wall turn suddenly real as he sings "I was sure I'd captured enough spectrum energy to pierce it, but perhaps you can give me what I need" and he attacks Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians with dozens of mechanical phalluses.

Creepy. This scene is reminiscent of last year's off-Broadway hit, "Volthoom!"

As Relic's song finishes, Kyle spins frantically in midair above the middle of the stage. Rainbow lights play off him as if he were a disco ball above a roller rink. And suddenly he stops, completely still, bathed in green and red lights as Hal Jordan, Guy Gardner, and their back-up dancers arrive by invisible wire from all sides of the stage (including above). The next number is a gigantic space battle with so many flashing lights it probably causes epilepsy in healthy brains. The song is called, "Time to Shine (Even Though We Only Have 0.00002% Charge Left in Our Rings)."

During the middle of the song, as Relic is surrounded by the Red and Green Lanterns, the lights suddenly go dark. The music continues, very, very softly. Spotlights illuminate a smaller stage that has either dropped from the fly or extended from the top of what was the Source Wall, high over the heads of the other actors now silent and still in the dark below. On this platform stand John Stewart, the Lantern thought dead earlier, and his gang of young, brash Green Lantern recruits. They are surrounded by dour violet people with staffs. John Stewart performs a short recitative in which he explains how the Green Lanterns will need every Lantern at their disposal, from the strong, stand-offish Indigo Lanterns to the new recruits that have not yet earned their emblems but are willing to do what they must. He walks to the edge of the platform and looks down as the scene below slowly begins to light once more and the actors begin their choreography, slowly at first and then back to normal pace as the song resumes with John and the others standing above watching.

As the song reaches a crescendo, Guy Gardner flies in to blast Relic but his red light is reflected back at him. That's when John Stewart dives from the stage above and tackles Guy Gardner out of the way as they swoop down, seemingly about to hit the stage but fly outward and arc above the audience where Stewart punches Guy in the face.

I thought it was a mistake the night I saw the play but I'm surprised to learn that the punch actually connects in every performance!

As John Stewart delivers his "deranged Santa" line and he and Guy head back to the stage, the lights dim, the curtain closes, and it's time for intermission.

I'm sorry to report that during intermission, I met a nice lady (a very, very nice lady) at the bar and we got to drinking and talking and, well, I missed a good portion of the second half. While I argued with the usher to let me back in, I could hear some song about a key and the White Lightswitch and the Source being replenished. By the time I got back to my seat, Relic was now merged with the Source Wall and Kyle Rayner was nowhere to be found.

I thought, "A Love Tether could get them home safely if only Carol Ferris loved another man somewhere on Earth! Like her father or her high school crush she recently got back into contact with on Facebook!"

I must admit, I expected the next song and dance to be an upbeat ragtime number by the Indigo Lanterns as they sang, "Hey, Morons, Did You Forget About Our Power of Teleportation?" Instead, John just kind of goes, "Umm, Hal? Indigo Lanterns?" and the lights go out for not even a second. When they return, everybody is still standing in exactly the same places but The Source Wall is gone. In its place is a lush, green world. A voice that must have been wired through speakers surrounding the entire building since it rumbled through every part of my being said, "Welcome to the new home of the Green Lantern Corps." It was Mogo, the sentient planet. And my liver and kidneys and all my other squishy bits are over the moon that that was his only line in the entire production.

The final celebratory song, called "The Oath," is full of joy and crazy, upbeat orchestrations. The stage is full of ecstatic choreography as the Green Lanterns' celebrate. But perceptive audience members find this ending undercut by the occasional Green Lantern unlit by a green spotlight, head hung low, as each walks slowly from the edges of the crowd and off the stage. It seems Relic's unsupported, wild theory of Peak Light has wormed its way into the hearts of other Lanterns. Nobody truly knows yet what happened or why. Why were the rings cutting out? What were the Entities trying to do? What did Kyle and his belief in his own power and his breaching of the Source Wall contribute to the restoration of the rings? Nobody knows. Yet Relic's triumphant cheer that he was correct and it was all fixed thanks to his calculations seem to have still caught the ear of the less logical members of the Lantern Corps. Good riddance!

Green Lantern Annual #2 Rating: Well, that was kind of a cosmic letdown. Relic was right? There was a reservoir that needed to be filled? And it was filled by the Light Entities? How? Where did they come from that they could replenish the Source? And does that mean that Fear and Death were not replenished? And if this all seems to be true, how can any Lantern rightfully continue in the job if it means they're speeding up the end of the universe? So after this great cosmic crisis, all that really happened was Oa was destroyed but now Mogo has taken Oa's place. So that's a superficial change. The Red Lanterns get to patrol a sector of space as their own. Again, a superficial change although it, at least, gives The Red Lanterns something to do. And Kyle Rayner isn't allowed to interact with anybody any more. That's not much of a change either as he has been on a mostly private cosmic quest for most of The New 52 anyway. I was hoping there would be a change to the routine nature of the Green Lanterns but I guess DC has that shit set in stone. Central Battery. Center of the Universe. Patrol. Recharge. Police. Be Arrogant. All in a day's work for The Green Lanterns!

Green Lantern #24

Why can't Hal Jordan go more than three months at a time without a huge cosmic crisis that requires a crossover?

Green Lantern really is a stupid name for this hero and what he does. Earth 3 got it right by calling his opposite Power Ring. Sure, Power Ring is a stupid name as well. But at least it makes sense.

Victim: "Help! Help!"
Green Lantern: "Do not worry, sir! Green Lantern will save the day!"
Victim: "I hope he gets here quick! Help!"
Green Lantern: "He is here! I am here! I am Green Lantern!"
Victim: "What? Why? Help! Where's your lantern?"
Green Lantern: "It's at home. It's too bulky to carry. Anyway, look at my power! See this? Green light! I'm like a Green Lantern in the darkness!"
Victim: "Oh. I get it. Help. It's more conceptual than visual."
Green Lantern: "But my emblem looks like a stylized lantern as well!"
Victim: "I would have gone with The Imagineer!"
Green Lantern: "I kind of didn't have a choice. Otherwise I would have chosen the name Better!"
Victim: "That's just...ugh. You know what? I'm good here. I'd rather not be seen with you."

Hal Jordan has suddenly realized how serious a problem it is that the Green Lantern rings have become unreliable. First he had to fly across the vacuum of space and then nearly choke to death on the noxious atmosphere of a far off planet before he could take the problem seriously. But then he's really never been much of a thinker. He's more of a doer. Especially if that doing is destroying his home town or betraying the Corps or acting like a self-righteous prick. But now he's a leader and a leader has to lead! I just came up with that myself. Right off the top of my head. I should be a Writer!

This is why Kilowog should runs things and Hal Jordan should be dead.

Hal, John, Kilowog, and Salaak are all currently realizing that maybe Sinestro's mass murder of the Guardians wasn't such a good idea. Now, if he'd tortured them slowly so that they gave up all the secrets about how the battery and the rings actually worked before offing them, the Green Lanterns might not be in so much trouble right now. But since that didn't happen (Sinestro's slow torture of the Guardians could have been its own series that ran for years!), now they whole battery/power ring/entity system has them flummoxed and other words that mean whatever flummoxed means.

While Salaak is leaned over staring into the battery with his ass crack showing saying "Seems to be okay now!", Kyle and Carol and Saint Walker and the Bohemian Guardians SHKASSSSSHH onto the scene.

Carol, nearly unconscious, still has the presence of mind to say "He's on his way" as opposed to "He's coming" which would have just made the twelve-year old boy that lives in my brain cackle inappropriately. Then Hal would have said, "Who's coming?" And then I wouldn't be able to get out of my head the image of Relic jerking himself off and flinging his semen across the universe.

Oh stop it! It's just Relic's hypothesis! He has no experimental proof to support it!

Hal Jordan refuses to buy into Relic's belief not because Hal Jordan knows a little bit about science but because Hal Jordan refuses to believe that the Green Lantern Corps can ever do anything bad, unknowingly or not. He's such a cheerleader for them. But he only supports them because they've made him powerful enough to match his own ego.

They don't really have a lot of time to discuss the solution to a crazed gigantic scientist from a previous universe going about destroying Lantern Corps before Relic arrives to destroy the Green one.

Relic asks Hal to surrender but Hal says the Green Lanterns don't know the meaning of surrender. So Relic says that he must then teach to them the meaning of the word. But I don't think he was serious about that because he simply attacks. I think he meant to say he would teach them the definition of "defeat" or "annihilation" or "face rape by insectoid alien robot." Unless the attack is merely incentive to internalize the definition more quickly as Relic teaches it to them.

Oh yeah? Well get used to it because you're dealing with Hal Jordan now!

John and Salaak save a bunch of extra Lantern batteries because I guess they maintain some kind of charge for some period of time even after the main battery is exhausted? The rest of the group fill a few pages with some action shots of purple hammers and green bazookas as Relic's insect army drains the main battery dry.

Well, I guess the mini-batteries don't hold any kind of charge and are just portals to the energy of the main battery. So what next?! A race against time before all the rings lose charge? Green Lantern: 24?

Relic's final act before leaving is to completely destroy the battery after which Salaak delivers the good bad news to everybody. Since the battery is so closely tied to the planet, Oa will certainly be exploding soon.

Green Lantern #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I really hope all of this Green Lantern: Extreme Makeover crap sticks because I, for one, could definitely do with a big shake-up to the normal routine of the Green Lantern Corps. They've already gotten rid of the Guardians (sort of. The Bohemians are still hanging about but I think I can get used to them). Now get rid of Oa. Get rid of the batteries. Stop having universe ending crises happening every few months. I don't mind if big problems arise but does the fate of the universe always have to hinge on every story? Is that the only way comic book writers have of creating tension anymore?

Relic #1

Relic: "Cock rings for everyone!" Hal Jordan: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hopefully now we'll find out why Relic was called Relic in his old universe when it makes perfect sense that he's called Relic in this universe because he's a relic from an old universe but it wouldn't make any sense to be called relic in his old universe if he's from that universe. Unless he's super old. I guess then "Relic" is a fine nickname. I'm hoping that this is his eighth or ninth universe that he's passed into by turning himself into a cyst. That's the strangest transdimensional travel we've seen yet! I think.

The story will probably just focus on The Lightswitch Corps from the Last Universe Over and how they destroyed everything while Relic mumbled, "No. Don't. Stop."

The story begins with a bunch of different colored Lightswitches bashing each other in the face with their light construct weapons.

And in some cases, their sex toys. Makes sense since this is a Violet Lightswitch of Love.

In Relic's universe, the Lightsmith's used too much power, sucking the emotion from everything! No wonder Earth is so special! There's not end to drama here on Earth which means a forever supply of emotional power! But in Relic's universe, they did not have a race as special as human beings. That's too bad for them because we're really fucking special! Who else in the universe has thought up DNA testings live on daytime television or endless court shows with irrational fuckwits that have never once in their lives considered that they might be wrong? Nobody, that's who!

And because Relic's universe had no Earth, he called them together to warn them about Peak Light.

Blah blah blah! BORING! Maybe you should have put together a Powerpoint presentation?

Since Relic called together this conference simply on the strength of his own convictions and the theory that he made up in his head, The Lightswitches didn't want to hear it. I don't fucking blame them! He's telling them to knock off using their light power just because he decided light must be a limited resource? How dare the Lightswitches ask for proof before they change their behaviour! "Hey! I just had a thought! Farting causes cancer! So everybody stop farting and we'll be cancer free in under a year! What? Proof! But I thought it up in my head! It must be right! Ugh. I can't believe you want me to do research?! Doubting assholes."

Relic decides to actually do some science and get the proof the Lightswitches need. Which he, really, should have done before calling the fucking meeting. I thought he was a scientist! Man, Relic is a real asshole. And now he's come over to our universe to tell us how to run things? Fuck him! Go back to your dead universe, star hugger!

I bet his research ends up being the cause of the universe ending! I bet he pulls a Krona and catches a glimpse of the Creator masturbating furiously at the beginning of time which will cause a guilty spasm to explode in a wave across all space and time, destroying everything in its path. And now he's come to our universe to make us feel guilty too! What a jerk!

Anyway, back to Relic's cosmic science journey...

What an arrogant fucking bastard. He searches the entire universe. He discovers a wall surrounding the universe. He finds not one sign to support his theory. And he still can't fucking believe that he might be wrong. Worst scientist ever.

Except for the part where he actually discovers he was correct in his theory. Whatever. I guess he trusted the math.

Relic never did find proof. But he discovered evidence that he may indeed be correct when the Blue Lightswitch's Main Bulb dimmed. It just went out for good and everybody lost faith. It was all used up like cheap toilet paper. Relic warned them to only use a sheet or two at a time but did anybody listen? Nooooo! They were all making fucking catcher's mitts out of their faith when they wiped! Hmm. The analogy kind of fell apart at the end there.

Wrong. Without more experiments, one cannot jump to the conclusion that the reason the lights were extinguished was because they were drawing from a limited well. Relic just doesn't have enough information about how the entire system works to draw this conclusion.

As the universe begins dying around them, Relic tells anybody he can find that's still alive, "I told you so!" Oh, fuck you! You're the worst! You give science a bad name, you piece of shit fear monger! Perhaps the Universe was just coming to a natural end! You merely have a circumstantial link between the universe ending and the Lightswitch's losing power. The loss of power could simply be a symptom of the universe ending and not the cause, you fuckblossom.

As you can see, I really dislike Relic! And now he's going to preach his bullshit science in The New 52 Universe as well! Even though different universes probably have different physical laws! So even if he were correct about his stupid theory (which I highly fucking doubt because there was no Double Blind Study), why would his stupid theory be the same in our universe? There's no reason to believe it would at all!

Before the universe could completely end, Relic headed toward the outer wall which was crumbling. He dove in and was torn apart, molecule by molecule.

I have a theory!

So here's my theory without evidence which I came up with without any experimental proof at all! See the hand in that last panel? That's Krona's masturbating hand that he saw when he looked in on the creation of the universe. Which means that Relic's Universe existed within the testicles of the creator of The New 52 Universe! Which means the Lightswitches weren't using up all the power at all! The power was being depleted every time The New 52 Universe Creator masturbated because the power was sperm! While being inside a closed system, the Lightswitches could use all the sperm they needed to create things. But every time The New 52 Universe's Creator masturbated, he expelled some of the "light." Which means Relic was correct in that there was a limited reservoir. He was just incorrect about how it was being depleted! It was the Creator's constant loss of Chi that was weakening the Lightswitches! Until that one last amazing orgasm of the Creator after which, I'm assuming (it's just a theory!), he died. And Relic was shot into our universe as the Creator busted his last nut.

Do you want more evidence than just my crazy notions? Go back and look at the panel where Relic finds the wall. Totally the inside of a scrotum.

And so Relic slept inside a crusty mass of ejaculate far out on the edge of space until freed by Kyle Rayner and the Bohemian Guardians of the Universe. But he's a bit pissy now since nobody would listen to his "science" last time around. So now he's decided to just kill them all. Seems fair enough.

Relic #1 Rating: It was really good because I came up with an awesome theory! Also, I do like that Relic is kind of a shitty scientist although I'm not sure he was meant to be portrayed that way. But come on! Evidence, idiot! It's the mover and the shaker! What a fucking moron. And now he's going to fuck up The New 52 because of his bad math. Although I do hope he helps get rid of the Main Lantern Batteries once and for all. It's been my one Christmas Wish for each of the last twenty years, at least. Enough with the stupid lanterns and charges already! Just make the rings work when they're on the person the ring chose and make the rings not work when on a shitty thief!

New Guardians #23

It would be so much easier to just read these comics without commenting on them. Stupid internet.

If I can just get through this issue and Red Hood and the Outlaws, I'll be able to finish The Trinity War tonight before somebody spoils it for me and tells me everybody dies! Oh wait! DC already spoiled it for me with their advertisements for Villains Month! I'm sure there will be more to it than just "everybody on Earth Prime dies." I'm fairly certain it will involve a Villains Earth which is where Pandora's Box Portal leads. Which is why The Purple People Leader is probably an evil Alfred. Because everybody is a jerk on Earth Asshole.

Last issue ended with Kyle unsure whether or not the Lanterns could stop Relic from destroying the universe. Which means he needs some Hope! So it's time to visit The Blue Lanterns on their new, non-Reach destroyed Homeworld.

Are these the only ones that survived The Reach attack? Shit.

If these three are the only ones that are left, I suppose it makes sense. Not just because The Reach are murderous, near-immortal bastards. But because if a Blue Lantern ever doubts that there is any hope, he just drops dead and the ring abandons him. What a great fucking job! If I were to organize a Blue Lantern Corps, they'd all have Williams Syndrome. Just try to make my army lose hope, bitches! I suppose you could go a number of ways raising an army that has an everlasting abundance of hope. But the one thing you should avoid is a high degree of intelligence. You don't want anybody calculating odds or rationalizing reality or bringing up philosophical quandaries about what is hope and how particularly useful is it actually? At least the Blue Lanterns aren't based on faith (although, really, it's practically semantics when you get down to debating "hope" and "faith") or else all of their battles would end up like this: "Let us pray to overcome The Reach, my fellow Lanterns!" Pray! Pray! Pray! Die!

The Blue Lantern Corps currently consists of a Rag Doll's Penis, an Elephant, and a Giraffe. So the Corps is practically identical to Christopher Robin's unloved stuffed animals. A. A. Milne's editors refused to publish the chapters with those characters because it was just too dark. Instead, they decided to go with the bushel of psychiatric loonies that ended up in the book every child knows and loves. The Glutton. The Depressive. The Megalomaniac. The Obsessive Compulsive. The Paranoid. I'm fairly certain that the story behind the story of Winnie the Pooh was a patient at an asylum named Christopher Robin who was completely delusional and believed that all the other inmates were his stuffed animals. Kanga was probably the nurse.

While the Blue Lanterns meditate, their Lantern Pokemon escapes and flies away. Immediately afterward, Relic arrives in his new battle ship. I hope he kills them all!

Is that an appropriate usage of Hope? Can I be a Blue Lantern now?

But you'd be so much better at your job if you were, Saint Walker!

The Blue Lantern Corps, of course, contains a few more than the menagerie shown at the beginning. They also have a Lizard and a Sentient Turd, a Slug and a Nun, and a fairly sexy albino alien. But since Hope alone is nothing, Saint Walker is really just a lot of bluster and empty threats until Kyle and Carol and the Bohemian Guardians arrive.

Relic has an irrational hatred for Light Users because some being called The Lightsmith and his army of Lightswitches destroyed the universe which Relic came from. Perhaps they've destroyed even more than that one universe because it would make more sense that Relic was called Relic in his last universe if he were a Relic from a universe even further in the past. Perhaps at the end of every universe, he creates a cocoon which allows him to survive into the next universe. Is Relic from Pre-Infinite Crisis? I bet he is! I'm going to go draw him into all of my issues of Crisis on Infinite Earths now because it totally makes sense.

The Bohemian Guardians try to stop him but he just shows them an old newsreel of what happened in his old Universe. The current DC Universe began with a gigantic hand masturbating a gigantic phallus which Krona observed. This caused the original Guardians to create an army of robots to stop all masturbation in the universe. In Relic's universe, a gigantic hand stimulated a huge clitoris which brought everything into being. But in his universe, the Lightswitches weren't created to stop all female masturbation.

There job was to create a multitude of sex toys.

How this wound up destroying his universe has yet to be revealed. But he's definitely got a problem with the creatures of this universe having the capability of once again creating universe destroying sexual artifacts. So he's going to stop them all and save everybody from masturbation. Not because he sees it as wrong as The Guardians of this Universe saw it; he seems to see it as a separation of each from the other. He believes orgasms should be brought on by other beings, weaving an intimate interconnectedness across the Universe. It's something he believes the Bohemian Guardians will understand. I don't think he's wrong about that! His plan also confuses Carol though when she goes to attack him with her Passion Power.

Especially black holes. Holy fuck does Relic love a nice, tight black hole.

It's at this point that I think everybody should just sit down with a nice cup of tea and have a lovely chat. Once Carol realizes he's doing what he's doing out of love, I would expect somebody to say, "Really? Love? Maybe we should figure out what he's trying to do to save our universe." But I suppose if your identity were completely wrapped up in one little universally powerful object, you'd probably be a little too miffed to discuss it rationally when some gigantic oaf came along informing you that it was too dangerous to keep around.

And then Relic steals the Blue Light which is apparently a metaphor for killing hope because Rayner is convinced by The Bohemian Guardians that they can't win this fight. He teleports back to Oa with Saint Walker and Carol Ferris and The Bohemian Guardians while the Blue Light drains away and relic kills the rest of the Blue Lantern Corps. Good riddance!

New Guardians #23 Rating: No change. Well that's one central battery down and however many more to go to go! Larfleeze has already ditched his need for a battery, so I suppose the rest of the Lantern Corps will go the same way. Although the entity that powered the battery left to go join the other lantern entities on their Homeward Bound journey to the Lantern Entity Graveyard. It's the saddest kid's movie ever.

New Guardians #22

Why do bad guys always want to break the hero? Regulus said the same thing about Black Canary in Birds of Prey #22! I blame that fucker Drago for this!

To begin, I should apologize to all of the Green Lantern: New Guardians Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans. This is the second comic book of the day that I'm reading which means it won't be nearly as entertaining as the first one (Birds of Prey #22). That's because all of my random thoughts for the morning ended up in that one and now this one will strictly be about the comic book itself.

Hmm, maybe that isn't a bad thing! Maybe I should be apologizing to the Birds of Prey Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Commentary fans for rambling all over the fucking place!

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have managed to fuck up the universe on the first stop on their cosmic road trip. They popped a Cosmic Cyst which released a gigantic creature from a previous universe. His name is Relic although it probably wasn't Relic when he was in the old universe because that wouldn't make any fucking sense. Or maybe it's just a cosmic coincidence! A two cosmic coincidence since we're dealing with twice the cosmos here!

Relic's rebirth is a bit confusing for him. He's lucky that's all it is! He's lucky he's capable of existing in a vacuum!

Relic begins examining his surroundings and not bothering anybody but Exeter, my favorite martian, decides to put a stop to Relic's non-threatening behaviour. Exeter comes at him and Relic says, "A piece of paper? Somebody threw a piece of paper on me!" And then Green Lantern blasts him in the head and Relic goes, "What was that? A fly?" Kyle also finds that his ring cannot translate a language from another universe.

Kyle Rayner's light power disturbs Relic. It seems his universe had a Guardian of the Universe of their own named Lightsmith. He probably had a Lightswitch Corps to police the universe. Too bad Lightsmith burned that universe to the fucking ground. So now Relic is worried about this universe and he sees Kyle as a threat. Kyle is quickly overcome by Relic because Relic's universe must have been more powerful than Kyle's universe.

The Bohemian Guardians summon Carol Ferris from across the universe to help save Kyle. Are the Bohemian Guardians just not as powerful as the old Corporate Guardians? Why would they need Carol Ferris's help to save the day? Oh, that's right! They're the Bohemian Guardians! Their mantra is probably "All You Need is Love"!

Meanwhile Relic taps into Kyle's brain to learn the workings of this universe.

Look, he's a Relic of the old universe. Why would he be called Relic in that universe? Maybe it's because he had old fashioned ideas like "the universe shouldn't be destroyed" and stupid old timer shit like that.

Exeter creates a feedback loop of Star Sapphire's power between himself and his technology stolen by Relic. This enables Carol to contact Kyle in his Relic-induced dream state. So it looks like the Bohemian Guardians were right about Love being All You Need! Even Relic is taken by surprise by this. Because apparently humans didn't exist in his Universe so now he's going to learn how special humans are! They are the most specialist race in the galaxy! All other races learn so much from them! Just ask Star Trek!

Relic is most surprised by the White Light. I guess none of the Lightswitches in the old universe were able to control the power of the full spectrum. Kyle escapes with the help of Carol and Exeter! Now that Exeter has nothing to guard at the edge of the Universe, I hope he becomes Kyle's friend and maybe even his sidekick because he is my favorite character in all of DC Comics (ignore the fact that I say this about lots of other characters. Right now you should just believe my hyperbole so that you realize that nobody in the world could possibly like Exeter more than I do and I am the king of his fandom and if you think you like him more than me, you're wrong because I have him tattooed between my shoulder blades!)! That ending punctuation sort of looks like an emoticon of a surprised clown.

And then Relic takes his new spaceship and his newly acquired knowledge of this universe and heads off to kill a bunch of Lantern Corps!

Is it already time for another universe ending crisis crossover?!

New Guardians #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. Maybe this crisis will end The New 52 Universe and create an Old 52 Universe that takes place in Relic's old universe where The Lightswitches patrol the universe! And Pooperman was jettisoned from Rectum as a baby and now protects Girth from all evil while trying not to succumb to the power of Rectumite! Shatman patrols Gotmilk with his sidekick Knobbin! The Gash patrols Kidneystone City! Wombder Woman has left Pairatitties Island to make the world a better place! And...and...and forgive me. I'm so sorry for calling The Flash "The Gash". I can't stand that slang term! Using it makes me feel like I'm pledging for a Fraternity! I think I'm going to go throw up now!