Sinestro #17

Since when did Wile E. Coyote change professions from bird hitman to world conqueror?

Remember when Sinestro was a guy with a ring that could make yellow light constructions but he couldn't defeat a guy whose green light constructions couldn't protect him from anything yellow? It's totally fitting that he's sharing this cover with the world's most inept coyote. When I was an autistic little shit kid who stared off into space for 90% of the time when I wasn't a whirling dervish of fists and tears, it never occurred to me that Sinestro should be able to defeat Green Lantern in the space of fifteen seconds. I just thought Sinestro and Green Lantern were like knights with a code of chivalry that said they must attempt to defeat each other in the bounds of whatever theme they happened to agree upon. I think one of those times they actually chose green and yellow suits of armor with lances which was a contest--come on! Seriously!--Sinestro should have come out on top of. I just loved that they'd battle with baseball paraphernalia or construction equipment or Tennis racquets (or rackets if I weren't such a snob!). It excited me to see what they would come up with together for that episode's battle. It's not like Green Lantern ever decided to bring a giant yo-yo into battle while Sinestro fired yellow nuclear missiles at him. It was a gentleman's game and it made Sinestro seem far less incompetent than I'd soon realize he truly was as I got older and stopped whirling in frustration as much as I used to and decided to begin cultivating a horribly cynical outer shell to protect me from the vagaries of social conventions and the awkwardness of intimate human contact.

This issue begins with Sinestro writing an essay on Earth and how it's consumed by fear. In his view, the people of Earth are so embroiled in fear that this planet should have been called Fearth. Get it? Has that joke ever been made by Geoff Johns when he was writing the Sinestro War? Suck it, Geoff Johns! Unless he did make that observation and then I'm arrestedly developed man enough to say, "Kudos to you, goodsir!" Then I'd probably tip my fedora, pull in the edge of my cape, and bow with a flourish. "Kudos!"

Um, so Sinestro's essay points out that the people of Earth are fearful little muskrats full of fear and other emotions that are basically just synonyms for fear like terror and anxiety and all American conservative modes of thought. He's all, "Earth is a Kinder Surprise Egg with the most dangerous toy inside! In fact, there's not a toy inside it at all! It's a knife! A big fucking knife covered in fire ants and the handle is a naked woman who totally wants to do it! So scary!" And the Earthlings are all, "Ah! Everything is so scary! God, help me! I would call to science to help me but science is complicated and every time I ask my atheist friend 'How does science know that?', he always goes into a long-winded explanation of things that don't make any sense so he has to explain those things and...ugh! Just say something easy like 'God made it!' Now that I can understand!"

Sinestro's encounter with the Pale Bishop, the long dead leader of The Paling whom he tracked to Earth some mysterious way that was probably scary, has gotten him thinking about fear and Earth. He knows an awful lot about Earth for a guy from the planet Kellogg. I don't think that was the name of the planet he was from but I do remember it began with a "K" and it's destroyed now so who the fuck cares what it was called? The Pale Bishop has turned out to be a 30% Guardian of the Universe and 70% Mummy. So not only is he obsessed with making the universe safer by destroying all individuality and choice and emotion, he's also really fucking slow and brittle. This fight should last about the amount of time it takes Sinestro to find an open flame.

Wait a second! Is that Warworld hanging up in the sky? And...and...and it isn't causing mass panic of the already panic-stricken people of Fearth?!

If Warworld were that visible in the sky, I think it would be having some destructive gravitational effects on the planet and the moon of our planet which is so unimaginatively called "the moon." Holy fuck we are boring people! We couldn't even come up with Magic Floating Sky Rock?! I'm surprised we're not a bunch of Planetlings living on the planet Planet. I would go into the science of how gravity works but I wouldn't want to bore any religious people who might be reading this. Let's just say God has this shit under control and leave it at that, shall we?

No wait! I can't leave it at that! Last night I was listening to Ground Zero with your host Clyde "I'm a Stupid Piece of Fucking Shit" Lewis and he was talking about climate change. At the end of the show, some guy called up to remind Clyde that God promised not to destroy the Earth in a flood ever again. And he quoted Genesis 8:22 as proof that climate change is bullshit: "While the earth remaineth, seed-time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." See, scientists? God promised that he won't cease all that shit so calm the fuck down, you idiots. God promised! The guy's second point was that Jesus was eventually going to come down and rule so why is everybody being so pessimistic? Jesus has got this, motherfuckers! Do whatever the fuck you want!

And that is why religion is dangerous! Because people believe that The Bible is useful in scientific discussions! Maybe instead of Fearth, this planet should have been called Dearth...Of Any Intelligence At All! Zing!

The Pale Bishop strikes Black Adam with Apathetic Lightning which makes Black Adam angry for some reason. I know when I suddenly don't care about something I forget all about it and it doesn't make me angry at all. I'm usually just, "What did I do with that ballot for the local election? Maybe I left it in Call of Duty multiplayer or inside this delicious carrot cake?"

Isn't the Pale Bishop asking Black Adam to be angry like Pope Urban II calling on Christians to invade the Middle East? You know what. Those aren't even really close to equitable. I just wanted to mention Pope Urban II because how cool is that Pope name? Urban. You know he fucked a lot of ladies. Maybe ladies should be in quotes? It was still the Catholic Church. Zing!

I don't know what Sinestro has against The Paling. It's not like his philosophy of "Fear is the answer and reason for everything and I can't read a book or watch a movie without making it all about fear because it's the only issue I care about!" I guess it's like how religious people look at my atheism not as a belief I have that doesn't have anything to fucking do with them but as a danger to their religion because my beliefs negate their beliefs which just sounds dangerous until you realize that I don't fucking care if somebody wants to believe in Grown-up Santa Claus who stuffs their stockings full of everlasting life. I guess The Paling is basically a bunch of militaristic atheists to Sinestro's dogmatic and well-established religion. I suppose, historically, Christians have a right to fear atheists due to what atheistic fascist dictators have done to them and other religious peoples. But then if we're talking historically, I think a lot of different groups have a lot of different arguments for why Christians should be feared as well. The most a Christian has to fear from me is maybe a cutting remark about their beliefs after which I'll scream "ZING!" right in their face as I dance around the room pumping my index fingers into the air.

And don't you Muslims think I'm against making cutting remarks against your religion either just because somebody might call me an Islamophobe! I've got some pretty good zingers for y'all too! Although I don't really think I have any zingers for Jews because they'd probably out do me and come up with a better zinger against themselves after which they'd probably dance around the room better than me too. I definitely wouldn't come at a Hindu because I've accepted many of their talismans and gods into my world. I do sometimes pray to Ganesha because if I'm going to act like a ridiculous fool, I might as well be speaking to a god who is also an elephant. Plus he totally removes all obstacles from your life if you simply ask him! Seriously, why is anybody praying to gods who are men when there are gods who are elephants out there?! So much more powerful!

At least somebody was worried about Warworld! Thank the goddess! Literally in this case!

Why is Wonder Woman protecting Earth's orbit? With Superman out of commission and Stormwatch having been forgotten and all the Green Lanterns in another universe, is she the last line of defense against invaders from space?! It just doesn't really seem like it should be her job. It would only be slightly weirder if Aquaman had shown up. Although I don't know why Aquaman didn't show up since Cullen Bunn is writing Aquaman and he loves to do crossovers of the characters he's writing.

The battle where Wonder Woman defeats the entire Sinestro Corps easily (and then tongue kisses Bekka because guys totally need to see women kiss on a fairly regular basis or else they become gay) will have to wait because the battle with the Pale Bishop is still happening on Earth. To help Black Adam shake off the power of apathy, Sinestro lends him a Yellow Ring. It's always exciting when a new character puts on a lantern ring, mostly to see how their costume changes. But this time it isn't too exciting because Black Adam already looks like a Yellow Lantern. The battle doesn't last long after Black Adam gets his ring because the Pale Bishop decides to move the story to another planet.

You should be quite confident having killed all of the other Guardians!

Sinestro points out that he can't follow the Pale Bishop because his ring doesn't have that capability. I mean, it probably does have that capability when it needs to have that capability depending on the story being told. But right now, it doesn't have that capability because Sinestro and Black Adam need to go to Warworld to encounter Wonder Woman so Sinestro says, "But Warworld has that capability!" Once back on Warworld, Sinestro explains to Wonder Woman in a respectful manner that his Lanterns are now protecting the universe because the Green Lanterns have disappeared. Wonder Woman doesn't say "Oh my goodness! What has become of my friend Hal Jordan?!" because she never really liked him and the way he treated Carol so shabbily. Instead she says, "Well you had better get to protecting because The Paling has arrived! I suppose I will remain to bump up your sales numbers and to also help protect Earth."

Sinestro #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of people have been fans of this book since it started but they were all wrong. This book has had a lot of problems and I'm not just discussing the problem where Cullen Bunn couldn't remember what sector New Koriander was located. The story was constantly interrupted by whatever new direction Bunn decided to go. Perhaps he was just extending The Paling story but it really felt like he would abandon it for ideas he'd rather pursue only to come back to it after abandoning those other ideas. I mean, is New Korugar still a thing or was that just to get rid of Parallax? What about the Aphid League? And then there was all the Twat Lobo nonsense. But with this issue and the previous (I'd also include the issue which introduced Nax), I feel like this book has found a voice and a personality and started working out a bit to tighten up some trouble areas. I'm slightly more attracted to this book for some reason! Maybe Cullen Bunn simply became less distracted when he realized he didn't care about Aquaman at all and he knew The Lost Army was a shit book based on one big idea. Or maybe Bunn just started taking Ritalin and has become hyper-focused on writing this book. He wouldn't want to burn every bridge at DC, would he?! Because if that happens, how will he cash the checks Marvel keeps giving him to ruin DC characters?!

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Sinestro #13

The exclamation point is the wrong punctuation to use after "Parallax released". Is there a punctuation mark that denotes apathy to the point of hopelessness and despair?

I don't think Cullen Bunn is a bad writer but I do think he's completely disinterested in the DC characters he's currently writing. At least I know I am! And whatever I'm feeling must be what other people are feeling, right? Is that how empathy works?

If I could pitch a Sinestro comic book, I'd march into Dan Didio's office and say, "Geoff Johns is a joke!" Then Dan would probably say, "You should be pitching comic books to Geoff Johns." So I'd march into Geoff Johns' office and say, "Dan Didio is a joke!" Then we'd high-five and suck each other's cocks before I went into my pitch which would be this: "Why is Sinestro named Sinestro? What if we delve into that aspect of his character!? Sinestro! Sinestro! Sin. Estro. Without estrus! What if Korugarian males are the ones who go into heat but Sinestro never did?! He's pent up! He's so horny he's gone mad although he doesn't even know he's horny because he has no estrus! Imagine if Sinestro is...a virgin!" And Geoff Johns would be all, "Um, Soranik?" And I'd be all, "Retcon her out of existence! Nobody will notice!" And then Johns will be all, "I'm pretty sure his name is Sinestro because it evokes the word 'sinister.'" And I'd be all, "How do you do that thing with your tongue that made my dick harder than it's ever been?" And Johns will be all, "You know I'm in talks with HBO to do a Crazy Quilt television series?" And I would be, "Um, interesting. Oh! Just look at the time! I have to go now!" And Johns will begin to unzip his pants as I'm leaving and say, "Could you send Cullen in on your way out?"

I'm not implying that Geoff Johns engages in casting couch shenanigans! Although I have heard, via my own commentaries and misconceptions, that if you buy him lunch, he'll give you a comic book series. So use your imagination! Seriously, use your imagination so you get sued for libel instead of me!

This issue begins with Soranik upset that she's been chosen to become a Yellow Lantern. It seems weird that in one moment, she had the ability to overcome great fear. Then suddenly, in another moment completely opposite the previous moment, she had the ability to instill great fear. Okay, I guess those aren't opposite moments at all. And I guess, according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, a Yellow Lantern is just a Green Lantern minus Hope. Although according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, Love is just a combination of Anger and Hope. That seems about right.

Moments after Soranik becomes a Yellow Lantern, her Green Lantern Ring disappears. Soranik says "How did you know?!" at the exact same time that Lyssa says "How did you know?!" Then Lyssa explains what happened because she's a writer's best friend. It's always good to have a character that knows everything so you can keep your main character up-to-date on all the stupid shit you want him to know about but that he could never have any way of knowing. Unless, of course, he leaves a television running in the background to alert him to only very specific breaking news that furthers the plot of his life.

Also some people who weren't wearing rings were abducted like Guy Gardner and...well, like Guy Gardner.

I'm not a fan of the Green Lantern Corps as a department of authoritarian fascists who think that some kind of Universal Law can be applied across every planet in the universe no matter how different the various cultures might be. I do like them as cosmic EMTs who only interfere when they're called into a situation. I certainly don't think they're important enough that their disappearance would cause the universe to fall apart in some way. I like the idea that they might be out there to help planets being attacked by other planets or to help populations of planets going through severe droughts or having to deal with a dying star in their system. They should be about helping and kindness instead of policing and laws. The first story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1 from 1992 has a Green Lantern trying to bring law to a planet of criminals where the visitors and residents understand exactly the kind of place Garnet is. This Lantern isn't there to help a populace subjugated by crime lords and intergalactic madmen. He's just there to tell them they can't run the planet this way because of his (or the Corps?) own Puritan ideals. It seems that everybody on planet knows the risks of living on Garnet, so maybe they should be left alone and seen as a frontier planet? Maybe the Green Lanterns should just set up warning signs around the planet for innocent passersby? But should they go in and ruin everybody's good time crime fun? I don't think so!

Please, Soranik. Lyssa didn't see Sinestro preventing the disappearance of the Green Lanterns, so how could they have prevented the disappearance of the Green Lanterns? You have a lot to learn about fate and destiny and lazy writing!

I wish Lyssa would have just spoiled the entire plot of the Lost Army at this moment! That would have turned me around on this entire comic book! It could have been the best moment of the year!

Sinestro tells Soranik that she is now a member of the Yellow Lanterns (or the Sinestro Corps. Whatever!) and that she will help them "create order where there has only been chaos. We can make the universe a better place." What does "order" even mean on a scale so big? Isn't the universe as orderly as it's going to get due to following universal laws? Or does he mean he's going to institute a Universal Curfew with strict noise compliance laws? Having so many different species and cultures seems pretty chaotic, right? So I guess the first order of business is to winnow down the number of aliens. Maybe destroy all interstellar ships because having aliens mixing with other aliens is the definition of chaos! I mean, it could be! It's not the exact Oxford English Dictionary definition!

You know, I don't think Sinestro cares about order at all! I think he just wants to be in control of everything! He's a fascist!

Soranik figures they've probably talked long enough about her conversion to Yellow Lanterness, so she brings up the traitor. That causes Sinestro to wander away to consider his plan for keeping New Korugar from exploding.

The reactor begins to blow while Sinestro refuses to evacuate the Korugarians. Bekka follows him around telling him he really needs to save his people but she refuses to save them herself. She also refuses to leave his Sinestro Corps even though she feels like he's using her for her strength in battle. I guess she realizes she has no real plot of her own and her only importance is how she relates to Sinestro. So she sticks close to him because being an accessory is better than not being in the comic book at all, I guess.

Sinestro makes sure everybody now knows that the planet is about to blow up and that he's going to save it. He then releases Parallax into the core of the planet to save the day. Everybody then uses their Yellow Rings to make confetti for Sinestro's Hero Parade. And then the spectators all run screaming from the horribly scary confetti drifting through the sky.

It turns out Lyssa arranged the meltdown because Lyssa saw that she was going to arrange the meltdown. What could she do? Her hands were tied! She also hoped that Sinestro would allow the planet to explode with his fellow Korugarians on it so that he wouldn't have anything to distract him from his mission to control the universe. Although since Sinestro used Parallax to stop the planet from exploding, she must have seen that Sinestro would release Parallax to stop the planet from exploding so she must have rigged the planet to explode so that Sinestro would abandon Parallax. Or something. It's really hard to figure out the motivations of a character who can see the future and is then helpless to change that future. I think Lyssa just shrugs and follows the script because why bother pretending you have free will when your lack of free will is staring you right in the face every single day. At least as human beings, we get to pretend that we have free will because we can't see the future. If I knew I was going to type this sentence, I totally wouldn't have typed this sentence. But since I didn't know I was going to, I did! It would have sucked if I knew I was going to type it and still couldn't stop myself from typing it. What a horrible life omniscient creatures like God and Allah and Oracle must lead.

She's only asking because, earlier, she saw in the future that she was going to ask this.

Sinestro murders a few of his Corps because they were dumb enough to be used as patsies. He then sends his Corps out to "protect" the universe after which he kisses Lyssa because she's there, I guess.

Sinestro #13 Rating: No change. Aren't villains supposed to be more fascinating than heroes? Then how come Hal Jordan is way more interesting than Sinestro? And I don't even like Hal Jordan! This really should be a mini-series. Sinestro needs a story arc because this is only interesting if he rises up, overreaches, and falls. But as an open-ended series, how does one accomplish that? As the main character of the book, how do you keep readers interested in a character that should ultimately be failing in his goals? Unless he's going to do such a good job that Hal Jordan returns and they embrace and share a beer and become Truest Friends without the Most Hated Enemies part!

Sinestro #12

I'd rather have had a Joker Variant.

This is really important work I'm doing. In the future, historians are going to want an unbiased opinion of the material published by DC Comics. They'll stumble upon my site and think, "Enh. Good enough." And that's ignoring all the good I'm doing for the present as well! Keeping my hatred laser-focused on DC Comics keeps me from blowing up bridges and punching every fucking asshole blocking the sidewalk while standing outside of a bar smoking and talking and not realizing how even their friends probably don't really like them very much.

The issue begins with Sinestro and Soranik standing above the reactor at the core of New Korugar. A traitor among the Yellow Lanterns has triggered it to meltdown which will destroy the new home for Sinestro's people. They waste three pages having a useless conversation.

Soranik: "We must evacuate the Korugarians!"
Sinestro: "No need. I will stop the meltdown."
Soranik: "But what if you can't?!"
Sinestro: "I will."
Soranik: "But you might not!"
Sinestro: "But I will."
Soranik: "But just in case you fail..."
Sinestro: "I won't."
Soranik: "You'd put your people at risk...?"
Sinestro: "There is no risk. I will save them."
Soranik: "But just in case you can't!"
Sinestro: "But I can!"
Soranik: "You dick! I hate you! Why am I even here?!"

So now new readers understand that Sinestro is an arrogant bastard who doesn't feel he needs to listen to anybody's advice. Why should he? They're all more incompetent than he is. If he left anything up to anybody else, it would all get done wrong. So he does things his way (which is obviously the best way) and everybody will be happy, dammit. The reader also learns that Soranik is a useless chump who is only hanging around to help her people but just winds up being told, over and over, to shut up by her father.

Of course, if you didn't want to read the first few pages in the most unflattering way possible, you might see it as a moment where Sinestro is having a bit of self-doubt about whether or not he'll ever truly be able to help the Korugarians. He's promised to keep them safe and now he's ashamed that he's placed them in greater danger. He cannot face his own errors so he decides not to tell anybody about the meltdown. If he can take care of it himself, nobody will know he isn't completely in control at all times. And Soranik is just a daughter desperate to get her father to see things differently than he normally does. Saving the Korugarians should not be about him and his shame! It should be about the Korugarians.

After Sorankik storms off, Lyssa remembers that this is the point in time that she is supposed to have a conversation with Sinestro.

Since Lyssa can see the future, the only reason she knows what Sinestro's Plan B is is because Plan A fails. Right?

Soranik heads off to help out the Korugarians without her father's approval. Umaraal, an elder among the Korugarians (maybe. I don't really know who she is!), informs Soranik that Sinestro has never changed and she was a fool to ever think he had. So I think my flattering way of reading the first few pages was me just being fooled into thinking that Cullen Bunn's writing had changed. Apparently Sinestro is just preparing to become a God or something, and he's just waiting for the Green Lanterns to disappear from the universe.

Meanwhile some yellow space sperm named Ranx breaks its way into Warworld to fertilize it.

Afterward, Sinestro goads Soranik into a battle which ends with her becoming a Yellow Lantern. Sinestro's just trying to save her because the Green Lanterns are about to disappear. I think that means he loves his daughter and he should have a Violet Ring now! And since this entire thing was really just a manipulation to get Soranik closer to fear so she could become a Yellow Lantern, maybe Sinestro is the traitor who set the reactor on its course just to toy with his daughter? That's less farfetched than Tim Drake becoming Harvest, right? And I was right about that one too! I mean, I will have been right given enough time. You'll see!

Sinestro #12 Rating: No change. The best part of this issue was that it was called "Daddy Issues." Although Soranik has less Daddy Issues than every single other character in the DC Universe! She doesn't seem like she needs to prove anything to him at all, or that her life is the way it is due to his abandonment of her. She just wants to help her people and keep her father from harming them due to his arrogance and negligence. Sinestro probably has more daddy issues than Soranik does although I don't know what they are. I'm sure there's a story out there somewhere in which Sinestro has a flashback to his awful father which made Sinestro declare he would never be like him and then, later, unwittingly became just like him. That's just the kind of story that DC Comics loves for their characters' backstories.

New Guardians #25

Now the Lost in Space theme song is stuck in my head.

I grew up watching reruns of Lost in Space on Channel 36 in the San Francisco Bay Area. Also Batman. And The Monkees. And Super Chicken. And George of the Jungle. I think it was Channel 36 which aired Ray Harryhausen movies on Thanksgiving which is why you'd find me in front of the television instead of spending time with my family. Well, that was just one of the reasons. Anyway, Lost in Space was an interesting show to watch as a young kid because I still didn't get the concept of situational episodic television and believed, every episode, that there was a chance that they'd get home.

I no longer believe anything good will ever happen. That kid is long dead, replaced by a cynical asshole that can't just enjoy anything. The world should stand trial for the murder of that sweet, stupid boy with bean dip all over his face grinning in amazement as Jason battled a dozen skeletons grown from the teeth of the Hydra! Can we all get together and bring a class action suit to the world for the death of innocence?

But now I'm part of that world! Hey, you young people! Don't read my comic book commentaries! Don't read any of my cynical rantings about the horrors of things that, at first glance, aren't horrible at all! Enjoy the shallow, fun, four color goodness that all comic books should be! Don't read my twisted versions of what is not explicitly stated in the dialogue and shown through the art! Stay Gold, Pony Boy! STAY GOLD!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris yelling at the Zamarons because her friend Kyle just sacrificed his life to save the universe and they had nothing to do with it. But they're just sitting there on their crystal thrones, oozing smugness with that place on their face in the air where their noses should be, basking in their authority and not shedding any tears for Kyle. Why shouldn't she yell at them? Fuck those assholes! Why don't they crawl into some black hole and fuck off like their ex-husbands, the Guardians?

Carol ditches them before they can put her in her place because she has to go find out that Kyle didn't actually die at all.

I guess needing everyone to believe Kyle was dead lasted all of one page? And that's how much of an affect huge cosmic crisis crossovers have on the continuing monthly comic books!

It turns out the only person that really can't know Kyle is alive is Hal although Carol is the only one that currently knows. And even though no explanation is immediately given, I get it. Sometimes you just want certain people in your life to go the fuck away. And it's not like Carol wouldn't have figured out he's alive anyway. She's a Love Sapphire! She loves Kyle, even if it is that kind of love reserved for puppies and younger brothers. She's still connected to him! What good is being a Love Lantern if you can't stay connected to the people you love?

The Bohemian Guardians are introducing Kyle to an old friend of theirs. Judging by his attitude and demeanor, I'd say this is the guy that makes their Cosmic LSD for them.

Look at Kyle trying to dominate Nias at first meeting with a fucking handshake!

In the panel after this one, Kyle actually forces a handshake on Nias. Fucking disrespectful. I can't stand this way of greeting people! Especially since people will actually be offended if you don't shake their hands. "Submit to my physical assessment of your personality which actually means nothing but I am conditioned to go through with or I will take it as the most sincerest of insults!" Fuck you, hand shakers! Knock it off already! I hope that shaking hands is the worst insult in the universe to the first race of alien beings we meet and we spiral into intergalactic war when our Space Ambassador decides to show them how we greet each other on Earth (and by "on Earth," I mean Western Civilization because by the time we meet alien races, you don't think McDonalds, Starbucks, Reality TV, and Levis won't have won the culture war? We've already forced most cultures that bow into shaking hands after bowing. Pushy jerks).

Look at that violence!

Apparently Kyle and Carol are here on Exuras because "Exuras is the greatest place in the universe!" Well, sure! Now that Piradell is a fascist hellhole. That must be why Nias is so excited. Exuras has just moved up from the number two greatest destination in the universe.

This issue is called "All Tomorrow's Parties" which makes me need to listen to Johnette Napolitano's cover of the song now. I know, I know! That's probably blasphemy to all the Lou Reed fans out there! Don't flip out over inconsequential choices made by other people. My love of Johnette and her voice doesn't take away from your love of Reed and whatever it is you love about him. His cheerful demeanor? Now my own imagined conversation with the Velvet Underground fans has caused me to listen to both versions! I can't say it was a waste of time! Johnette's version is more polished (of fucking course) and rockier. It sounds a bit like an anthem. The Velvet Underground's is discordant and hazy, like wandering through an opium den high as fuck looking for the pipe you set down when you wandered off to look for the pipe you set down.

Now my iTunes is playing in the background while I read and I'm not sure if want to shut it down or not. I suppose I'll try reading and listening to music at the same time! That should ensure that I don't remember any of this in a few hours!

Although it kind of fits now with Carol and Kyle hanging out with Loudon Wainwright III singing "On the Rocks."

The first thing I notice about Exuras is that it has about three billion moons. And its moons also have moons because I think they might be planets. It's possible the orbits of all the planets in this solar system are practically one on top of each other. Don't ask questions about gravity. This is Exuras! The greatest place in the universe!

Nias tries to explain why Exuras is so great but he has trouble with the words, so Zalla helps explain.

That probably explains the planets not crashing in on the other planets somehow.

Kyle and the Bohemian Guardians have actually come to Exuras because it is a world without strife or fear or conflict. It's exactly the type of existence that the Guardians have been trying to bring to the Universe time and again, and have always failed catastrophically. So Kyle needs to investigate this place and find out if it is indeed as miraculous as it sounds or if there is a dark secret behind it. If it's actual, he can then learn how it works and bring that technology and mindset to the rest of the universe. And everybody will live happily ever after! Or, as usually happens, it will just be more unwanted bullshit forced upon the rest of the universe by the arrogant Guardians. Just this time, they're the Bohemian Guardians. So it'll be exactly the same except smothered in the scent of patchouli.

Kyle begins his investigations and discovers a structure where fear and anger are concentrated. It's a place where the teenagers have been rounded up and shut away. The Exurasans try to stop Kyle from entering the building which makes Kyle even more suspicious. Oh, Kyle, don't worry. It's probably just an angst-ridden rock concert.

So Exuras believes in transparency? That's a good start!

The building where the teenagers go houses a gigantic, cracked mirror which they must go into to make a choice whether or not they want to participate in this world where everything in history has gone seemingly just right. Kyle enters the mirror to find out what this choice is and how they go about the choosing. What he finds on the other side of the cracked mirror is a world in flames, full of destruction and death.

Genius.

Kyle is wrong about the Exurasans making one bad world though. They steal only small moments from many, many different timelines. The disastrous world Kyle is seeing was the result of just one small, seemingly insignificant swap. Entering the cracked mirror is a way for Exurasans to understand the price they are paying for living in the perfect world. I wonder if they're given the chance to swap lives with someone from a shitty timeline?

It turns out they don't get to swap but they can refuse to participate. They are allowed to stay behind in the other worlds to try to make them better places. And hopefully they do make them better places which means the moment that they came to that world was the moment that made it better which means it'll get swapped and they'll return to Exuras's paradise! Or something.

The Keeper of the Cracked Mirror's defense for stealing moments is this: "Isn't one paradise better than an infinity of hells lessened?" Which is all well and good if you ignore the fact that, given a timeline should exist for all possible choices, then that paradise does exist somewhere. What the people of Exuras are doing is simply making sure that their version of Exuras is the paradise. So The Keeper's rationale falls flat and it turns out what they're doing is supremely selfish and not motivated by a grand hope of one pure paradise. That paradise would exist, somewhere, without their needing to take action. So they're really just selfish time pirates!

And it looks like Nias Den Throden of Exuras, Hell Version, would agree.

New Guardians #25 Rating: +4 Ranking. Please let the cosmic crises be over with for a long while so that Kyle Rayner can have adventures like this off on his own without being bothered by Hal and his green military goons. I enjoyed this story and the pacing and the dialogue and the plot. Here's how it should end though! If the residents of the other Exurases can come through the cracked mirror, just bring all the residents of all the infinite other timlines over to the paradise Exuras! We've already seen that it "provides" for everybody! It can probably provide for an infinite population, right?

New Guardians #24

Time to finish Lights Out in one sitting so I don't forget any more of what's happening!

Relic has recently destroyed The Blue Lanterns' world and Oa. It was pretty hilarious. I think John Stewart and/or Hal Jordan have a plan. Maybe it was Kyle Rayner who had the plan. It probably wasn't Guy Gardner. I think he'll be all for his planet being destroyed since the Red Lanterns' world is a miserable pile of feces.

This issue begins with a bunch of impotent members of the Green Lantern Corps (and some of their impotent friends as well!) standing around on space rocks watching Oa explodiferate. Everyone moans and whines and denies evidence presented in grand fashion right in front of their eyes. They should really be more concerned with the charge left in their rings before they, too, wind up explodiferating.

Hal Jordan's worst plan ever? Probably not although "talking" and "Red Lanterns" don't really belong in the same solar system.

After Hal conceives his plan (or has he hatched it? Or did he do both, first his brain fucking itself to conceive the plan and then the plan hatching fully formed from his mouth?), the Lantern Corps Entities arrive. I don't know where they were going that caused them to stop by Oa to pick up Ion and then wander off again to return to where Oa once was. I don't think they're very good at planning routes for their errands. Perhaps it was just that Kyle Rayner arrived on Oa after the entities had been through because he's what they're looking for this time. Apparently the Entity Graveyard exists inside Kyle Rayner's chest. The only three entities that don't make an appearance are the Red, Yellow, and Black Entities. They must have decided they look cool and fascist together, so they ran off to make fearful angry dead babies.

The Entities possess Kyle's body so that they can run off and do whatever it is they need to do. It has nothing to do with the Corps or with Relic, so they (or He Who Is Many) teleport all non-essential personnel to Ysmault for that really dumb "let's talk with the Red Lanterns" plan Hal is so stoked about. Also, all non-essential personnel means everybody but Kyle.

Meanwhile John Stewart and all of the new recruits have their own plan: go talk with the Indigo Lanterns. That plan is possibly worse than Hal Jordan's!

John Stewart: "We need your help saving the universe!"
Indigo Lantern: "Nok nok nokkity nok nok nok."

At least the Red Lanterns have a pool that teaches its members how to stop being incomprehensible. And you know the Indigo Lanterns aren't speaking anything but nonsense since none of the rings ever translate what they say.

Has anybody stopped by to tell the Indigo Lanterns that they aren't going to be using their plan to stick Indigo Rings on the old Guardians' fingers? I suppose they're still busy making their Remorse Rings.

Kyle continues to struggle against the Entities' possession of his body. He can't do it alone but the Bohemian Guardians show up to help him get free. I can't begin to understand how the mind of a light entity works but apparently it works a lot like the mind of a super hero. In comic books, how much time is wasted on an annual basis by people declaring there is no time to explain and then end up battling the person that needs the explanation? Hasn't anyone figured out that it takes less time to tell people your plan than to beat them to a pulp? I can't be too mad at these weird light beings because, in their defense, teleporting Hal and his crew to Ysmault took nearly no time while explaining something to Hal would probably have taken a full college semester.

The Bohemian Guardians attack the Entities in outer space while Kyle attacks them from behind in inner space.

His attack plan is to ask philosophical questions that are unanswerable because they make no sense anyway. Why would somebody fight an ocean? I suppose if the ocean is hitting on your spouse and being highly crude and inappropriate. But how often does that happen?

Kyle's answer to his own question is that you don't fight oceans. Good answer, right? Now wait. He continues with "You let them fight each other." Is that why the surf at the beach is so violent? Because it's the Pacific fighting with the Indian and the Arctic fighting with the Atlantic and the Southern Ocean going, "No! Wait! Stop! Why must we fight?!" That makes sense.

Kyle also comes to another conclusion about fighting oceans! Instead of fighting them, you should probably just go with the flow and let them decide what to do! Because paddling in an ocean is like kick boxing on the sun! I mean, it doesn't get you anywhere!

You know, if only Relic had allowed the information to go both ways when he had Kyle trapped inside his own mind, this whole dispute could have been resolved immediately!

New Guardians #24 Rating: No change. You know, if characters in comic books decided to use communication as their first method of conflict resolution, far more would get accomplished. Sure, people might expect comic books with less throat punching to not be as exciting. But I have a feeling if everybody just sat in a room and shared their feelings and their desires, it would be just as interesting and exciting as people in skin-tight costumes punching each other in the tits. Okay, maybe not as exciting. Perhaps if their conflict resolution caucuses were conducted in the nude that would make up for the lack of curb stomping.