Relic #1

Relic: "Cock rings for everyone!" Hal Jordan: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Hopefully now we'll find out why Relic was called Relic in his old universe when it makes perfect sense that he's called Relic in this universe because he's a relic from an old universe but it wouldn't make any sense to be called relic in his old universe if he's from that universe. Unless he's super old. I guess then "Relic" is a fine nickname. I'm hoping that this is his eighth or ninth universe that he's passed into by turning himself into a cyst. That's the strangest transdimensional travel we've seen yet! I think.

The story will probably just focus on The Lightswitch Corps from the Last Universe Over and how they destroyed everything while Relic mumbled, "No. Don't. Stop."

The story begins with a bunch of different colored Lightswitches bashing each other in the face with their light construct weapons.

And in some cases, their sex toys. Makes sense since this is a Violet Lightswitch of Love.

In Relic's universe, the Lightsmith's used too much power, sucking the emotion from everything! No wonder Earth is so special! There's not end to drama here on Earth which means a forever supply of emotional power! But in Relic's universe, they did not have a race as special as human beings. That's too bad for them because we're really fucking special! Who else in the universe has thought up DNA testings live on daytime television or endless court shows with irrational fuckwits that have never once in their lives considered that they might be wrong? Nobody, that's who!

And because Relic's universe had no Earth, he called them together to warn them about Peak Light.

Blah blah blah! BORING! Maybe you should have put together a Powerpoint presentation?

Since Relic called together this conference simply on the strength of his own convictions and the theory that he made up in his head, The Lightswitches didn't want to hear it. I don't fucking blame them! He's telling them to knock off using their light power just because he decided light must be a limited resource? How dare the Lightswitches ask for proof before they change their behaviour! "Hey! I just had a thought! Farting causes cancer! So everybody stop farting and we'll be cancer free in under a year! What? Proof! But I thought it up in my head! It must be right! Ugh. I can't believe you want me to do research?! Doubting assholes."

Relic decides to actually do some science and get the proof the Lightswitches need. Which he, really, should have done before calling the fucking meeting. I thought he was a scientist! Man, Relic is a real asshole. And now he's come over to our universe to tell us how to run things? Fuck him! Go back to your dead universe, star hugger!

I bet his research ends up being the cause of the universe ending! I bet he pulls a Krona and catches a glimpse of the Creator masturbating furiously at the beginning of time which will cause a guilty spasm to explode in a wave across all space and time, destroying everything in its path. And now he's come to our universe to make us feel guilty too! What a jerk!

Anyway, back to Relic's cosmic science journey...

What an arrogant fucking bastard. He searches the entire universe. He discovers a wall surrounding the universe. He finds not one sign to support his theory. And he still can't fucking believe that he might be wrong. Worst scientist ever.

Except for the part where he actually discovers he was correct in his theory. Whatever. I guess he trusted the math.

Relic never did find proof. But he discovered evidence that he may indeed be correct when the Blue Lightswitch's Main Bulb dimmed. It just went out for good and everybody lost faith. It was all used up like cheap toilet paper. Relic warned them to only use a sheet or two at a time but did anybody listen? Nooooo! They were all making fucking catcher's mitts out of their faith when they wiped! Hmm. The analogy kind of fell apart at the end there.

Wrong. Without more experiments, one cannot jump to the conclusion that the reason the lights were extinguished was because they were drawing from a limited well. Relic just doesn't have enough information about how the entire system works to draw this conclusion.

As the universe begins dying around them, Relic tells anybody he can find that's still alive, "I told you so!" Oh, fuck you! You're the worst! You give science a bad name, you piece of shit fear monger! Perhaps the Universe was just coming to a natural end! You merely have a circumstantial link between the universe ending and the Lightswitch's losing power. The loss of power could simply be a symptom of the universe ending and not the cause, you fuckblossom.

As you can see, I really dislike Relic! And now he's going to preach his bullshit science in The New 52 Universe as well! Even though different universes probably have different physical laws! So even if he were correct about his stupid theory (which I highly fucking doubt because there was no Double Blind Study), why would his stupid theory be the same in our universe? There's no reason to believe it would at all!

Before the universe could completely end, Relic headed toward the outer wall which was crumbling. He dove in and was torn apart, molecule by molecule.

I have a theory!

So here's my theory without evidence which I came up with without any experimental proof at all! See the hand in that last panel? That's Krona's masturbating hand that he saw when he looked in on the creation of the universe. Which means that Relic's Universe existed within the testicles of the creator of The New 52 Universe! Which means the Lightswitches weren't using up all the power at all! The power was being depleted every time The New 52 Universe Creator masturbated because the power was sperm! While being inside a closed system, the Lightswitches could use all the sperm they needed to create things. But every time The New 52 Universe's Creator masturbated, he expelled some of the "light." Which means Relic was correct in that there was a limited reservoir. He was just incorrect about how it was being depleted! It was the Creator's constant loss of Chi that was weakening the Lightswitches! Until that one last amazing orgasm of the Creator after which, I'm assuming (it's just a theory!), he died. And Relic was shot into our universe as the Creator busted his last nut.

Do you want more evidence than just my crazy notions? Go back and look at the panel where Relic finds the wall. Totally the inside of a scrotum.

And so Relic slept inside a crusty mass of ejaculate far out on the edge of space until freed by Kyle Rayner and the Bohemian Guardians of the Universe. But he's a bit pissy now since nobody would listen to his "science" last time around. So now he's decided to just kill them all. Seems fair enough.

Relic #1 Rating: It was really good because I came up with an awesome theory! Also, I do like that Relic is kind of a shitty scientist although I'm not sure he was meant to be portrayed that way. But come on! Evidence, idiot! It's the mover and the shaker! What a fucking moron. And now he's going to fuck up The New 52 because of his bad math. Although I do hope he helps get rid of the Main Lantern Batteries once and for all. It's been my one Christmas Wish for each of the last twenty years, at least. Enough with the stupid lanterns and charges already! Just make the rings work when they're on the person the ring chose and make the rings not work when on a shitty thief!