Swamp Thing #34

I hope Lady Weeds tattooed her butthole with a flower that smells like poo.

A post popped up on my Tumblr earlier with pictures of that actress on Teen Wolf with the witch eyes and it got me thinking about actors and good looks. My first philosophical foray into the issue was that acting was bullshit and people are just generally cast because of their looks. But that's obviously bullshit because Steve Buscemi. Obviously a lot of attractive people without talent get jobs in the business because directors and producers and casting agents know that people like to masturbate to beautiful people. But I think acting gets its start at a very young age. Much like a kid raised on junk food will eat nothing but junk food as an adult, a kid raised on constant attention and praise because of their good looks needs to maintain a certain level of fawning over their beauty. Now even though I am, myself, a beautiful human being (on the outside), I was raised by a mother who would say things like, "Your cousin Jason is like the son I never had!" So I was raised on a steady stream of bitterness and resentment which is why I need to attack as many successful people as possible on a nearly constant basis to feel normal.

See how that first paragraph began as if it were about something else but I was still able to bring it back around to discuss me? That's because this blog is about me! It's not about comic books at all. Those are just incidental.

What did they do, Cappuccino?! They made a puppet of the Swamp Thing?!

I guess they killed the little tiny Swamp Thing that Swamp Thing made to look over the Green. It's a little bit hard to tell with the lack of Narration Boxes saying, "Cappuccino comes into the room holding the lifeless corpse of Baby Swampie while I lay dying on the floor. Or is it 'lie dying'?" I guess if you look closely, Baby Swampie's left cheek is kind of torn up, probably from where Wolf shoved his cock into him. And since Wolf is a disgusting monstrosity right now, it probably wasn't a pleasant face-fucking at all.

Like that one person born out of the head of the other person (Cher or somebody. I forget), Swamp Thing explodes out of the head of Baby Swampie to answer Cappuccino's call. I sure hope Baby Swampie was already dead before that happened.

Brother Jonah decides he'd rather go back to The Green than die. Must be nice to have that kind of choice! I guess those are better last words than wondering whether to use "lie" or "lay." Although that's still better than dying wondering whether to use "who" or "whom." Which is still better yet than dying not knowing the difference between the Arctic and Antarctica.

Oh Lady Weeds! You get more beautiful with each passing panel!

I was in love with Lady Weeds when she was just a fancy plant lady. But then she became a blood covered naked woman and she became even more precious. Sure, she had that stint where she got a bunch of crappy tattoos all over her body but I loved her for trying to get back to that elegant look she had while living in The Grove. And now she shows no sympathy for a person because they have kids? Can a person's heart take this much yearning? She's the perfect being!

After killing this jerko father of no year ever, Lady Weeds firebombs the plant life around the hospital she hitched a ride to. Then she sets Wolf free to do whatever he's going to do. Fight Swamp Thing? Curb himself? Eat the entire hospital staff?

Meanwhile, Swamp Thing carries Jonah into the Green to become his regent. He'll take the place of Baby Swampie which is too bad because Baby Swampie was my favorite new character of last month! I bet Dan DiDio is behind Baby Swampie's death! Jerko!

I once knew how the story ends but stupid time has taken away all memory of the book! So, really, it doesn't matter, Jonah. You'll only be satisfied for the most fleeting of moments before time pisses it all away.

When I was a teenager, my main concern about dying was that I would never find out how all the stories I was currently reading would end. Books, being on my own timetable, didn't concern me as much as comic books which I had to wait for, dangerous week after dangerous week! Eventually I realized that comic book stories never really fucking end and the characters change by the whims of the writers and it never really mattered that much. But the feeling of not knowing how things will end eventually resurfaced when I created the main motivation for the Galactic Hero Corps' enemy, Global Thermonuclear War Dude. The destruction of everything always seemed like a weird super villain goal. What does that get anybody? Destruction for destruction's sake? Global Thermonuclear War Dude wanted to destroy everything, including himself, simply so that he wouldn't miss out on anything. He wasn't content to just leave the party. The party would have to end if he had to end. All parties would have to end! Forever!

Swamp Thing leaves the Sureen and Cappuccino to fight Wolf at the hospital because the brilliant Lady Weeds planned it that way.

Ugh. Wolf is even more disgusting than when he was a bald man.

Lady Weeds convinces The Sureen that he should help her become the Avatar because she was once an Avatar and The Sureen must help all Avatars. Also, she threatens to stab him in the face, so, you know. Fairly easy choice to make. I suppose her plan is to threaten innocent lives unless Swamp Thing switches bodies. But I think Alec has done enough body switching lately to know that it never does anybody any good. Especially him! And The Green! And the entire world, really.

Lady Weeds doesn't realize that Swamp Thing has learned his lesson about body switching and, it seems, is now willing to let two final innocent people die to keep any more from harm. She also doesn't realize that Wolf has learned to use his new demon vocal cords and that he hasn't lost his hatred of the vulgar.

Although stabbing yourself in the throat seems a bit crass as well.

I would have thought he'd kill Lady Weeds before killing himself but I guess suicide has more art to it than murder. Anyway, it wouldn't fit the story to have Lady Weeds dealt with by Wolf. Only one person in this story gets to fuck up Lady Weeds.

Maybe Lady Weeds can be the New 52 Oracle!

Lady Weeds is punished by being trapped inside a human mind with no power to stab innocent people in the face. But at least she's not dead! Although after last Universe's incident involving a spinal injury, it seems that comic book heroes have a better chance of coming back from the dead than recovering from being paralyzed.

After Wolf is dead and Lady Weeds severely injured, some guy named "A Calculus" comes forward to help Alec with his duties.

Swamp Thing #34 Rating: No change. I'm sad that Lady Weeds has been taken out. But I'm happy because now that Swamp Thing doesn't have to deal with Lady Weeds and Wolf, that means Etrigan can finally show up to battle Swamp Thing for Cappuccino's soul! Etrigan has been sorely missed lately. Although why would Etrigan still care about the deal Jason Blood struck with Cappuccino? Wasn't that just one of Jason Blood's plans to remove Etrigan from his life? And that's already happened, according to that story in Stormwatch where Etrigan came back and possessed some London punk. Anyway, DC Comics needs more Etrigan, no matter who he's shacked up inside.