Detective Comics #27 Special Edition

This has a New 52 on the cover, so I guess I'm obligated to "review" it.

The first page of this comic book is a word portrait of Dan DiDio and Jim Lee sucking Batman's dick. I'm surprised this was given away for free to kids at the comic book store! I guess Jim Lee wants to repay Batman for "blowing him away" in college when he read "the level of sophistication to the storytelling, the narrative, the political themes and the social themes" in Frank Miller's Batman: The Dark Knight Returns. Whenever I read a story, I'm always amazed at the words, the plot, the characters, and the page numbers! But then, I'm really into in-depth criticism of incredible plot points and deconstructing amazing themes at play in the network of phrases and various bits of punctuation. Just incredible! Words!

After the word pornography and the incredible deconstruction of Frank Miller's seminal work by Jim Lee, this comic book reprints "The Case of the Chemical Syndicate" to show new readers that it's fucking incredible that Batman has lasted 75 years after this shitty beginning!

Oh yeah, you just realized it, didn't you? I'm about to shit all over the Bob Kane and Bill Finger's legendary masterpiece! Buckle up!

This introduction makes no sense. It's just a half-finished thought interrupted by the comment about his identity!

The story begins where all stories began back in the thirties with two men sitting in a parlor face to face while smoking themselves silly.

"Oh yes! I've heard of this 'Bat-Man.' Isn't he the one that chases criminals around the city while hacking and coughing his lungs out?"

The way Commissioner Gordon says "No-o" makes it sound like Bruce Wayne just asked if he was interested in a little fellatio, my good sporto. It's not an unreasonable thought. How did these two men meet? They certainly have nothing in common except tobacco. That ringing in the panel wasn't Gordon's hearing aid freaking out, it was his phone. He answers it and then repeats everything that the person on the other end of the line says because that's the way people spoke on the phone seventy five years ago.

Telephone Answerer: "Hello? Why you said hello too! How are you doing? You're doing fine? And you want to know how I'm doing? Why, I'm swell! You just called to tell me my wife died in a horrible automobile accident with a man that she was obviously having an affair with because he had her lipstick around his anal sphincter? Why golly! That's terrible news! And she was able to say her final words before she died in the arms of the paramedic? What were they? That's what they were! They were, 'I hate my husband and could you please digitally please me as I die?' Well, she always did like that! Thanks for calling! Goodbye, you say? Well goodbye to you too!"

"We'll make a swell outing out of it, what say you?!"

Commissioner Gordon and Bruce Wayne put on their state approved hats and head on over to the crime scene. Back in 1939, they weren't very good at "forensics" or "investigations" or "police work," so most murders were solved when the first person to come along that wasn't associated with the police or the papers wandered by and said, "Ho! What happened here?" "That's what we'd like to know," was the proven response which always flustered the would-be criminal into confessing! Well, that response and hours of questions by quarters in socks.

"That's certainly convenient of you to say, Young Lambert. But how can you explain your presence at the crime scene?!" Bruce Wayne whispers in Commissioner Gordon's ears. "Um, and the fingerprints on the knife! Thank you, Young Wayne! Glad you could come along to help put this creep away!"

Well, this investigation is all very exciting for a first page, but where is The Bat-Man?! He'd better appear soon before Young Lambert gets the chair!

"He says, 'Oh jolly! Does that mean we're having an outing? Is Young Wayne there too?!'"

Gordon tells Crane that they'll be bringing the party to him.

"Thanks for your help, Young Wayne! And don't worry about getting ashes all over the crime scene! We know Young Lambert is the murderer already!"

I guess back in 1939, they didn't have computers or radios or Bat-Man-Signals, so the only way Bruce Wayne could get any leads for the Bat-Man was to follow Commissioner Gordon around constantly.

Bruce Wayne: "I really hate Jim Gordon. He's so boring! And he never wants to engage in a little oral sport between manly men. But if I ever want to fulfill the promise to that bat that flew in my window, I must remain at his side constantly! Day and night! In bed! In the shower! In his butthole! I must be everywhere! My job sure would be easier if the Gotham Police would start using radio already."

Apparently all white men in the thirties had butlers. And these men had white butlers, so they must have been really wealthy! But that would prove to be their undoing because just as rich white men are greedy bastards, so too are their rich white butlers!

"Take that, sir!"

Meanwhile the Bat-Man was investigating but I ignored his initial investigation because it mainly consisted of shoving two men from a roof and then stealing the papers that they had stolen from Crane! Fuck letting the Gotham Police solve this case! They're probably already corrupt and we're only three pages into their existence!

"Yep, that gas killed a guinea pig. Let's see if it will kill this one too. Yep. How about this black fuzzy one. Yep, gas kills it. What about this little Abyssinian? Yep! That one's dead too. You know, I wonder why I made such a huge glass case simply for gassing guinea pigs?"

The "Bat-Man" arrives through an open skylight because Jeeves forgot that the scene would be more dramatic if he'd closed it. Then "Bat-Man" rushes under the glass guinea pig death trap in order to die with Rogers! I mean to save Rogers!

"My Bat-Man-Wank-Tissue and my Bat-Man-Scanner will come in handy to plug the jet and break the glass! Rogers, remember to say 'I was saved by the Jeezly Crow Bat-Man!' when the police arrive!"

The "Bat-Man" subsequently beats up all the bad guys and even knocks one into a vat of acid. After seeing how easily the body of the bad guy is disposed, "Bat-Man" takes the vat of acid back to his apartment where he plans on "convicting" even more felons in years to come!

"Yes, disinterested in everything except smoking and fellatio. Strange chap, that Young Wayne."

After reading that, I have to wonder why people wanted to embarrass Bill Finger so badly that they needed to attach his name to it!

I already commented on the other stories the first time this issue was published without the Bob Kane and Bill Finger story. So that's really all I have to say about that.