Infinity Man and the Forever Making Fornication Jokes People #3

Oh yeah! Touch that box, you New Genesissians! Touch it hard! I mean gently! Whichever way mothers like their boxes touched best! Not that I don't know. I totally know! But I probably shouldn't say for some secret reason having to do with thinking about the children. Not that I think about children while touching women's secret areas!

People constantly say (at the expense of saying things like, "How was your day?" or "I hope you're happy" or "Do you want to get naked with me?") that when you get to the end of your life, it's not the things you did but the things you didn't do that you'll regret. Can anybody ever say anything more depressing?! There's only so much time to do shit during your life! When you're old and gray and sitting in a comfy chair eating chocolate covered chocolate to your heart's content, you're going to regret a lot of fucking shit because you'll inevitably have done less stuff than you didn't do! You'll sit there crying all over your smudgy, sticky clothes thinking, "Boy! I wish I hadn't spent so much time doing that one thing I loved when I could have been doing that other thing I think I would have really liked a lot!" You'll also stare at your spouse sitting across from you with chocolate smeared all over your spouse's face and think, "Why did I spend all those years loving just this one person? It was so great but wouldn't it have been better if I'd loved, like, six people just as much?! At least I could have ended up with a spouse that kept out of my fucking chocolate." Then you'll die and cease to exist and you won't regret all that time you spent regretting stuff because you don't fucking exist. Aren't you paying attention? It's like I'm writing for five year olds!

No wait. It's like I'm writing like a five year old. Sorry!

The words "infinity" and "forever" suck because they make me think how my life is "definite" and "terminal." Also the word "people" isn't that great either because fuck other people. Right in the face! You know, if they'll let you. You don't want to regret not having fucked people in the face when you're at the end of your life. Because, believe me, it's pretty awesome.

Why is Rod Serling narrating this issue?

The Forever People have found themselves inside Infinity which probably is as disgusting as it sounds being that one of the characters is named Infinity Man. Plus there's a ton of undigested lettuce lying all over the place, so I'm guessing they're in the Small Eternal Intestine of Infinity. Another reason I think they might be in Infinity Man's bowels: Jim Starlin's art looks like shit. Brozingo!

It's really funny when I say "Brozingo" in response to something I wrote that I thought was funny but not really laugh out loud funny but definitely insulting funny! I bet it's hysterical every single time somebody reads it!

Blah blah blah blah! Infinity Man is an idiot!

I think what the Infinity Man is trying to say is that he doesn't like how the chaotic evolution of the universe created a couple of assholes that now decided that the universe should be shaped in their image. So he's going to reorder the universe by stopping Highfather and Darkseid, going against the natural course of prescribed evolution that created Highfather and Darkseid in the first place! What a hypocrite!

I don't mind that Infinity Man wants to stop Highfather and Darkseid with mucking about in Life and Anti-Life Equations and general universal nonsense. But I do despise his holier than thou attitude while doing it! The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was allowing Dan DiDio to run DC Comics. Hmm, I think I got off track somewhere.

Does Dan DiDio think his legacy is to rewrite all of Jack Kirby's works? I guess we all know who will be writing The Demon when he gets his own monthly title. I'm surprised he's letting Ann Nocenti write Klarion the Witch Boy. I'm surprised he lets Ann Nocenti write anything!

It's Preying Mantis! With an "E"!

Why does there always have to be a test? Can't heroes be chosen because the person choosing the heroes has watched them and studied them and decided they'd be excellent for the job? Enough with all the fucking tests already! You hear me, United States of America School System?!

Mantis gets away without being healed, so I guess that means The Forever People failed the test! Also, the Forever People weren't inside Infinity at all. They were just in a warehouse a few yards away from where they summoned Infinity Man. I guess in-between issues, Infinity Man pulled Mantis into Infinity and carried the Forever People into the barn to get them out of the sun.

Beautiful Dreamer (who apparently isn't so beautiful in The New 52 because everybody just calls her "Dreamer") falls into a fugue state where she speaks with the Anti-Life Equation who has decided to live in her head. It probably taunts her with visions of the next Cosmic Crisis that the Green Lanterns are going to find themselves in. Someone named Lord Aagog is doing something that will cause something to happen somewhere and some people will have to react or something. I bet he only chose the name "Aagog" so he would be listed first in the Cosmic Yellow Pages (which the Green Lanterns could never use). I bet Lord Aagog was pissed when the cosmic dance club, "Aaagogo," opened its doors.

Everyone just looks annoyed that they have to deal with Dreamer and her stupid dreams.

Some of the Forever People say some stupid things and some of the other Forever People say some other stupid things. It's like whoever is scripting this comic book (Dan DiDio!) doesn't have time to actually care about how the characters interact. Almost the exact same way it seems like Jim Starlin doesn't care how the characters look! What else are they doing that's so important that they don't have time to care about this book they're selling to their fans? Also, when is Warworld going to make an appearance?

Somebody call a doctor! Her eyes are leaking oil! I mean, call a mechanic!

I should also mention that the Anti-Life Equation went out of its way to make Dreamer think that Mark Moonrider was going to betray her. So you can rest easy that Mark Moonrider will not betray anybody.

Later there's a scene back on New Genesis where some guy named Hymen (he invented the Mother Box. It's all starting to make sense now, isn't it? Okay fine. His name is actually Himon. But we all know what Kirby meant!) has been told that Infinity Man has made an appearance. Hymen doesn't want anybody to know about it because Hymen is a sketchy motherfucker that's probably working both sides of the New Genesis/Apokolips rivalry. Anyway, the defective Mother Box that now summons Infinity Man was supposed to kill The Forever Kids but it didn't. For some reason that has to do with some woman and her boyfriend. My guess is the woman is Bekka, Hymen's daughter, and the boyfriend is Orion. And this will all be settled in that Green Lantern catastrophe that's going to happen in a month or two.

Back in Africa, Vykin has a problem with the Boom Tube because instead of creating a tube and going "BOOM!", it goes "FOOOM!" and creates an explosion. I hope he sent in the warranty card.

Infinity Man and the Forever People #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. The creative team simply wasn't trying very hard in this issue. I don't think Keith Giffen added much to the script because none of the lame jokes were repeated fifteen different times.