Thursday, August 28, 2014

Batman and Robin #34

I don't know which chapter of Robin Rises this is because I got the Selfie Variant! I hope it's Part Two!

Apparently Batman has sent out notes of apology to all of his Bat Kids because they've now gathered in the Batcave to help him get his dead son back. Although apologizing doesn't sound like a thing that scares cowardly lots, so maybe the Bat Kids have decided to come because they care about Damian and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred Pennyworth Cat. Red Hood might just want to earn some extra miles by taking a trip to Apokolips. Also that's a chance to shoot to kill! No way to pass up that offer! Batman had better not start shouting "Aim for the knees!" once they start facing off against parademons. Bruce is a bit of a control freak.

I hope Titus gets a cowl for the trip. He'd look so cute!

Being that those apology cards seem to have been lost in the mail, the Bat Kids are a little apprehensive when it comes to trusting Bruce.

Bruce is fucked. When they find out that Nightwing is still alive, I don't think they're going to accept "That secret was before the Pact of Truth!" excuse.

The stupid Bat Kids believe Batman is going to be open and honest with them from here on out, so they agree to help him. Dumb dumbs! Fool them once, ha ha! Fool them twice, they're a bunch of idiots because he's going to fool them again!

That counted as an apology? Cripes! I've been doing them wrong all along! Also, why is Bab's ass buzzing?

Batman shows him his Mother Box. None of them crack a joke, not even Jason Todd. Then he explains that it opens up a portal to a place called Apokolips where Batman says he "once paid a quick visit to." No, you once made three quick visits to it. Once to rescue Superman and twice because Cyborg's teleport power relies on Boom Tube technology and misfired a couple of times. Why do I remember that? Because I'm Jonni DC, dammit!

Bruce explains to them what he's been up to lately (leaving out the Nightwing stuff, of course! And his daily masturbation routine) before telling the Bat Kids that they're not going on the mission to Apokolips with him. He just wanted to let them know that he cares. And probably put tracers inside their sandwiches.

Once they leave, Dick Grayson shows up to eat some tracers too.

Great. Now Titus has a tracker in him too.

The four people Batman wants to distract do not include Superman because he's battling Brainiac or something. Maybe he's writing a blog post for While Aquaman (why did he need to distract him?!), Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and Shazam are chasing holographic tails, Batman sneaks on board the Justice League Satellite to steal his Hellbat suit. Luthor remains on the satellite because Bruce and Lex needed a chance to have a bit of a heart to heart. You know, one billionaire to another. No other member of the Justice League knows the pressures and stress of being incredibly wealthy.

How touching. Does this mean Luthor is currently doing whatever it takes to resurrect Bizarro?

Then Batman Boom Tubes to Apokolips to get into a fist fight with Kalibak. Probably.

Batman and Robin #34 Rating: No change. So the fallout from Death of the Family is officially over which is good because otherwise it was just sort of sitting their in the hallway like a forgotten umbrella to which nobody knows whom it belongs. Death of the Family seemed like it was really going to put a major strain on Batman and the Bat Kids but barely anything came of it. And now it's forgotten! Everybody is best friends again! At least until Dick Grayson shows up to the next Bat Family portrait alive and kicking. Hopefully Batman is practicing his surprise reaction. "Oh my god! Can you guys believe it? Look who isn't dead at all? Wow, I'm floored. Just utterly shocked! I'm embarrassed to think of myself as the World's Greatest Detective now. Wow. Oh my gosh. Babs! Babs, are you seeing what I'm seeing? I think I need to sit down for a second."

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