Batgirl #34

In her spare time, Batgirl fires up the Batgirlcycle to do doughnuts inside her living room on top of Batman comic books? Weirdo.

I'm going to read this entire comic book without once mentioning the red-headed elephant in the room. I don't mean to call Gail Simone an elephant! I mean, I do but not because I've seen her bathe herself with water shot from her nostrils! I mean, I haven't seen her do that! Did it sound like I was saying I saw that because I didn't see that! I also didn't mean to imply I've ever seen how she performs her bathing rites! I meant this being her final issue is the elephant in the way that people call things elephants when they aren't going to talk about them but everybody is thinking about them and so the thing that nobody is going to talk about tramples all over everybody's good time and squashes it into jelly anyway! Also, I think this paragraph constitutes talking about how this issue is Gail Simone's final issue since I basically mentioned it by saying I wasn't going to mention it. Or something. That's called apophasis! Or something else, maybe.

Wow. That was an awkward start to this commentary. Perhaps we should just forget it ever happened and move on, never mentioning it again? Just like that elephant!

This issue begins with Bonerbreaker trying to tell Charise how much she wants to fuck her but Charise misunderstands.

I know Simone really likes Pasarin and Glapion's art but here are two little tips to them from me, a middling artist: 1. Shorter torsos. 2. Bigger eyes. Now that I've said "bigger eyes," I also want to recommend "smaller mouths" for some reason!

Batgirl has borrowed Big Daddy's boat and has taken her Mini-Birds of Prey (actually better than that Condor infested other Birds of Prey team) to beat the shit out of Knightfall on her yacht. I wonder if all the Oracle fans were thinking Babs was going to become paralyzed again by the end of this story? The name Knightfall goes hand in hand with broken bat spines! Speaking of broken bats, you know what bat I'd love to cork? Batgirl! That was a disgusting fuck joke. I want to fuck her.

I probably shouldn't objectify a fictional character, especially since I don't know how old she is. She isn't under eighteen, is she? She doesn't look like she is although you can never tell how old a character is because comic book artists are wildly inaccurate at portraying age. If David Finch were drawing this comic, I might think that Batgirl and her friends were still in middle school. If Chris Burnham were drawing this comic, I might suspect every character had had sub-dermal yogurt injections. If Rob Liefeld were drawing this comic, I'd probably consider seeking out a professional attorney and pursue a fraud lawsuit against him and DC. I may not be able to define "art" but I know it when I see it!

This issue is called "Crash and Burn" because a bunch of middle schoolers with tiny eyes are about to smash their boat into some long-waisted woman's yacht.

Why is she pointing out her men are mostly females? Her name is Obscura! She should be giving out less details!

As the Mini-Birds of Prey board Knightfall's yacht, Gretel blows up the Batmanboat with a rocket propelled grenade. I wonder what Bruce's policy is on people damaging items he's loaned them? I can't imagine anybody out there is willing to insure Batman's vehicles. And Bruce can't be taking on all the financial responsibility no matter how rich he is. Batfamily will begin taking advantage!

Wait. Her name isn't Bonerbreaker? Why didn't anybody tell me! Oh my god. This is so embarrassing.

Charise has gone off to change into her Knightfall suit so that she can come back out and break Batgirl over her knee!

Nearly speaking of Oracle, I read the Ostrander Suicide Squad run while it was on the shelves. It's one of my favorite comic series ever and I remember how surprising it was to find out that Oracle, this mystery person that had been helping the Squad for months, turned out to be Batgirl. I don't know if it was Ostrander's idea but it was genius storytelling. It was such a great way to bring Babs back into fighting crime after Joker and Alan Moore had taken her out. Of course, The Killing Joke was supposed to be an out of continuity story but I guess it was just too good not to become canon. I also read The Killing Joke off the shelf! That was just as big a shocker as finding out Oracle was Barbara Gordon. What was so great about the move from Batgirl to Oracle was that you very rarely saw serious changes like that in comic book characters. They just kept a fairly regular status quo for years. This was historic shit! I mean, as much as funny books can be called historic! Pop culture historic! That shit's even more important than political historic!

I told you she wanted to fuck Charise.

Remember earlier where I said I wanted to fuck Batgirl? That was a joke. I'm not attracted to Batgirl at all. Never have been. Not even Yvonne Craig Batgirl! Although Julie Newmar Catwoman? Holy smokes! Anyway, Batgirl just doesn't do it for me. Also, I could never betray Tig from I, Vampire. Or Amy from Futurama. Or Nightfall from Elfquest. Not Knightfall from this comic book! This Knightfall is the ugliest person I've ever seen because she's ugly underneath her skin. I mean, we're all ugly underneath our skin. But I mean it more figuratively than literally. Charise Carnes is ugly because she's a jerko.

While the Mini-Birds of Prey battle on Knightfall's yacht, Obscura and her army, along with Officer McKenna and the Gotham Police, battle the mercenaries Charise hired to murder all the criminals.

She also hired criminals to help murder all the criminals. Did I mention she was crazy?

Bolt keeps getting cameos but he hasn't been a major villain yet in The New 52. That disappoints me. Maybe he'll get more on-panel time since he does seem to be in a leadership role here!

Batgirl and Obscura hired a few superheroes to help out. Fairchild appears with Starfire. Unless it's one of Fairchild's clones. Or one of her clone's clones. Also Raven helps out too. Probably in exchange for some juicy information she can use to betray Red Robin and the other Titans.

No, no. Sorry! That was the old, Lobdelled Raven I was thinking of. I think this one is entirely new. I hope this one is entirely new. I hope the entire Lobdell run of Teen Titans has been shot in the head and buried in an unmarked grave.

Other female heroes that make the Battle Royale: Batwoman (taking down The White Rabbit who might be the crappiest villain to have been created in The New 52 but who I can't wait to see more of!), Vengeance Moth, Tremor, Katharsis, Virtue, Mouse and Burden (honorary females), Misfit, Wonder Girl, Skitters, Katana, Catwoman, Zatanna, Bleez, and Rainmaker. How Obscura got Bleez's contact info, I couldn't say. I couldn't say how Obscura does anything! But it's not my fault! Her name is Obscura!

Batgirl takes a page out of Wonder Woman's crimefighting book and beats Charise by hugging it out. Oh, Sweet Mercy, you scurrilous scamp, you! What are you doing in comic books? The good guys are supposed to win by punching and kicking! Oh well. Charise is grateful that Batgirl shows some compassion and lets Babs know that her brother James is not dead. That makes Batgirl happy and happy is what Batgirl has needed for a long time.

She also asks Tiny Eyes Alysia to go with her. I hope they don't go to Chicago!

Batgirl #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's nice to see somebody in Gotham treating a mentally ill person as if they need treatment more than a broken jaw and a jail cell. I guess Batman doesn't have time to care why people are running around in clown make-up murdering other people. He just knows he didn't choose that life and they did, so they deserve what they get. It's also nice to see Barbara moving past her anger and hurt and self-doubt. Go get a studio apartment in New York and hit the clubs, girl. You and Alysia need to fuck your way right through that town!