Action Comics #34

Everybody hurts...sometimes.

This issue begins with another shitty article by Lois "Bride of Brainiac" Lane. At least, I'm assuming it's shitty even though I haven't read it yet. When you see the sun rise every day for eight issues, you have enough evidence to dump assumption and begin hooking up with fact. It works the same way with comic books written by Scott Lobdell! Once you've smelled enough shit, you can be absolutely positive, without looking, when you've stepped in some.

Lois Lane has chosen "Panic in the Sky" as the title of her article. Does anybody remember that huge Superman crossover event? I only remember it because it seemed strange that after the Death of Superman, the next huge event was something about planes crashing or something? Unless it involved Warworld and Brainiac or something. I wasn't really paying attention to Superman back then. I have the Death of Superman issue simply because one of the clerks at my hometown comic book shop, Jeff, held one for me of his own volition. Not that I couldn't pick one up a year later in a quarter box at any stall in any comic convention.

Apparently "Panic in the Sky" was also the name of an episode of the George Reeves Superman television show. I guess it has a long, boring history in the legend of Superman!

Lois Lane has also decided to use larger font because she's running out of ways to call Superman a dickhole and to rally the Earth against him. Oh wait. She changed her tune in her last article. She's probably pro-Superman again in this one. Which means she just doesn't have as much good to say about him as she had bad.

Let's read her article together! You read it out loud to me, okay?

I don't know. I would have ended in a four dot ellipsis. I also would have spelled "artist" correctly, been more careful with my pronoun-antecedent agreement (well, maybe not that one. But I would have made a clarification afterward in a Grunion Guyesque parenthetical reference which wouldn't actually be needed if I'd just clean up my use of pronouns), used commas betterer, and placed an apostrophe on "enemy's." Oh, I also would have used "enemy's" versus "enemies'." I know there are various antagonists but we have to assume this is an army with a single commander behind it (Brainiac!) and so should be considered one enemy and not multiple enemies.

So if Brainiac is emerging from Cyborg Superman's Gigantic Space Rectum (TM) in Warworld, this really is the Reboot version of Panic in the Sky, isn't it?

This chapter is called "Assimilation" because, once again, the only huge Reboot threats to face DC's heroes are Borg-like. This Reboot is beginning to feel like Marvel during the Clone Years when everything was, um, you know...clones!

From his ship, Brainiac begins taking over the minds of the populace, beginning with Gotham.

According to Lex's countdown, people are fighting off the psychic attack?

Once Brainiac arrives, he begins taking over the minds of everyone on Earth. So that was his entire plan? Take over the minds of twenty people to make sure they can withstand Coluan minds. Take over Lois's mind so she can write articles condemning Superman. Infiltrate The Tower so they free Doomsday so that Superman is infected and becomes too sick and busy to stop Brainiac. Profit!

Good thing Stormwatch was cancelled or Brainiac would have had worse to fear than Superman. Oh! Maybe putting Scott Lobdell on Superman was Brainiac's plan to try to get Superman cancelled as well. Then he could have taken over Earth without any trouble.

I guess Superman is over the Doomsday virus. But it's probably like Herpes. He'll never get rid of it. And he'll probably pass it on to anybody that steals sips from his Big Gulp.

Superman and Lois Lane are preparing to attack Brainiac directly so they leave Metallo and Krypto in charge of Metropolis. No wonder it's destroyed on the cover! And I bet Krypto, unsupervised, eats a bunch of chocolate too!

Along with Superman and Lois (and Krypto and Metallo!), the people left uncontrolled are Cyborg, Steel, Lana Lang, Batman, Harrow, Ghost Soldier, Martian Manhunter, and Wonder Woman. I'm sure Xa-Du, The Phantom King, is just fine as well and up to no good. Alfred Pennyworth is probably safe in the Bat-Panic-Room but he won't be any help.

Now to come up with a plan!

Warworld wasn't to [sic] big to throw into The Phantom Zone! I'm sure you can figure out how to get Brainiac's ship in too [not sic]!

Superman's plan is to, um, put the ship in The Phantom Zone. Is that going to be his only plan forever?! Sure, the logistics of getting it into The Phantom Zone are the hard part. But it's still the same plan he has every time something is too big to handle. He does plan on sending Earth as well though. It's so that breaking the link between Brainiac and all the people won't kill all of the people.

Part of the plan requires Superman and Martian Manhunter to get extremely close to the sun so Superman can fire a super-duper-heat vision blast. When the plan fails and Brainiac's ship begins crashing into the planet, Superman and J'onn get back in time to stop the collision. Now I'm sure it wouldn't take longer than eight minutes for it to impact on the surface, so those guys must be able to travel faster than the speed of light. Then again, I think the sun in the DC Universe is much closer to New Earth than in our reality.

And then there are always the repercussions when opening strange portals to dangerous places.

Why didn't Mongul ride Warworld out of The Phantom Zone?!

Speaking of riding Warworld out of The Phantom Zone, does anybody remember how it wound up in there? Let me refresh your memory.

But I guess the object can't be to [sic] big!

Action Comics #34 Rating: No change. I think Greg Pak realized that The Phantom Zone can be utilized like America utilizes its prison systems. If something feels threatening to the general public, just throw it away and forget about it. And since Superman has no qualms about eternally punishing people, why not just throw every criminal into The Phantom Zone? Why isn't Lex living there yet? Or does he only feel it's acceptable to place alien threats within it? It's his Guantanamo Bay. American law (or Arctic Law?) doesn't apply to aliens so they aren't protected by it. So it's into The Phantom Zone with you!