Doom Patrol #32

Stupid comic book store. Forces all the 75 Years of Batman variant covers on me but can't give me the Platinum variant cover for this issue? Jerkos!

Excuse me, Blogspot readers, while I rant about Tumblr for a second.

Fuck you, Tumblr! Fuck you right in your fucking face! How do you not know how people use your stupid fucking site?! People like to open other dashboards in other links to look at when they're done browsing their dashboard! I don't need this fucking swipe shit ruining my experience! You know when I click on the link to go to my Tumblr home page? I want that in another window, you jizzfiends! I don't want to work on the page in a cramped little half-window! I guess looking slick trumps utility, doesn't it, you dumb motherfuckers.

Now that that rant is through, let me say how little the new feature actually bothers me. I have a habit of always right-clicking to open links in new windows anyway. So, you know. I'm surprised I even noticed it!

Okay, time to read Doom Patrol #32!

And they're debuting in my hometown because they're the best and they love me.

Cliff Steele is back as Cliff Steele. And Niles Caulder is back as The Chief. And Negative Man is back as Larry Trainor. And Elasti-Girl is back as Rita Starr. Wait, what? You meant Rita Farr, right comic book? No? Rita Starr? But she's an actress just like Rita Farr was but she's not Rita Farr? She's Rita Starr? Why, comic book? Why? Why doesn't she get to be herself? It had better be for legal reasons because if it was just Geoff Johns thinking he was cute naming her "Starr" because she's a star then he can just go shove his dick in his mouth and jerk it. No wait. That sounds like fun. He can slam his cock in a car door, that's what he can go do! Jerko!

Okay, so Elasti-Girl has to be somebody else. It's a Reboot! I might not want a skinny Amanda Waller or a wrongly named Elasti-Girl, but I can't do anything about it. Although I could tweet at Geoff Johns until he blocks me! That seems like an emotionally stable choice!

The other main problem with this first scene is that Niles Caulder is attacking with the rest of the group. When did DC decide that everybody associated with a team should be fighting alongside each other? He was the Machiavellian Machiavelli of the group! He wouldn't risk his ass in combat! Especially alongside the Doom Patrol! They always die all of the time, you dumb dumb! Remember what happened to you last time, Mr. Caulder? Head in a litter box full of ice cubes, that's what! Maybe he's only fighting this first battle so that he can become paralyzed in the fight and get his ass back in a wheelchair.

Geez, Element Woman! It's Ms. Starr! You just said you'd seen all of her films! You should know her name by now!

Elasti-Girl needs to keep smiling or else she'll melt. It's very scientific and was explained by The Chief earlier. He said, and I apologize for people that don't like to read heavily scientific, technical explanations, "One crack in that mood and she'll literally fall apart--back to her gelatinous state." I know that's hard to understand but sometimes the best way to learn is to just dive right in there and suck down a heaping helping of scientific know-how. Sure, you'll cough up most of it and never want to do it again but you'll have probably learned something in the attempt. Unless the attempt killed you. But at least you can die happy knowing that your attempt taught other people something they shouldn't do. Learning! It's fun!

The Doom Patrol are more concerned with helping bystanders than stopping Power Ring and The Chief isn't happy about it. It's probably because he wants the ring for himself instead of having to rely on the stupid gun he brought with him. Who brings a gun to a super hero fight? Oh! Grifter, that's who! What a jerk!

But wait! Maybe they don't have to disobey The Chief at all!

Stupid Justice League! Go get your own comic book!

The Chief immediately shows his colors and they're mostly Sweaty Pink Dick and Deep Brown Asshole. You'd think he'd get at least a few issues to pretend to care about the Doom Patrol before outright stating that they owe him everything and they'd better do what he says. I'd rather the Doom Patrol worked for the Chief because they believed he had their best interests at heart and not because they're in a fucking abusive relationship with him and are too scared not to do what he says. Oh well! And Amanda Waller is skinny!

After Cyborg calls Shazam a girl because Geoff Johns loves poking hornet's nests, he accesses Power Ring's ring with his Ring Accessing Attachment (standard in all STAR Labs Cyborg Kits). When he does this, he gets a little foreshadowing of things to come. Power Ring's Ring wants to alert the Anti-Monitor to its whereabouts so that it can come to New Earth and abduct Superwoman's baby, Alexander Luthor Junior the Third. We also learn that Jessica Cruz saw a couple guys in suits burying a body in the woods and barely escaped with her life. I'm sure that'll be important at some point. So try to remember it!

Also, Jessica Cruz is the woman that's now known as Power Ring! I figured some people (myself in one month when I reread this included) might have read that last paragraph and thought, "Who the fuck is Jessica Cruz?"

Oh, shut up you asshole. Just wait until these freaks get a little bit of self-confidence! You're done for!

Before The Chief can remove the ring from Power Ring's finger, Lex Luthor arrives and threatens to cripple The Chief. They seem to have a history. Probably because they took that test with Mister Terrific to determine how they'd rank as the top three smartest people on Earth.

Justice League #32 Rating: No change. That ranking is entirely because I love the Doom Patrol and refuse to lower the score on a comic book that they were in. But it easily could have gone negative since this version of the Doom Patrol have been browbeaten, castrated, and abused by The Chief. I think 85% of Larry Trainor's lines were, "But The Chief said so!" Now, I know the Chief has a history of manipulating his team toward his own ends. And sure, he shot Josh Clay to death. And yes, he apparently planned all of the accidents that allowed him to save them so that they'd be in his thrall. I'm not saying he's not a dick! But the main conceit of The Doom Patrol was that they followed him because he seemed to care! And once the team realized he didn't fucking give a shit, they rallied around each other for support. And The Chief was allowed to hang around because Cliff usually needed a new body by the end of every story arc. So it's quite a bit disappointing to see their first appearance in The New 52 and they're just playing the part of an abused spouse. I don't know. Maybe people feel obligated to somebody else if that person has saved their life. I don't really understand obligation. It's just blackmail that you impose on yourself due to your own feelings of guilt!

Of course, The Doom Patrol might be doing what The Chief wants because, like he blatantly stated, he can take their lives back. He might not have been speaking figuratively there. He probably has some kind of kill switch in each member that will shut them down for good, disperse their elements, turn them into goo, or strip them of their protective bandages! Bah. The Chief deserves whatever Luthor does to him.