Earth 2 #26

How soon, in seconds, did Power Girl and Huntress think, "I've made a huge mistake"?

No more ass play and ice cream, Karen! It's time to straighten up and put on your Earth 2 panties! Remember those? The ones you never got a chance to take off because Cousin Kal-El kept you hidden away from the world and the world's penises? Now's your chance to get even, Power Girl! And I don't mean by beating the crap out of Cousin Flip the Fuck Out. I mean sitting on Val-el's face while your cousin watches! That's a rite of passage for most kids in Western Civilization, right?

Oh, and don't worry! You're not related to Val-el! I just call him that because I'm an idiot.

Currently, a strange, twisty, cyclonic light has been seen over CERN and that can mean only one thing no matter how many people say it's not that one thing at all and have proof that it's something else: CERN has opened a gate to another world! And that gate is sucking the Earth through it. Only Queen Lantern's most powerful weapon in the universe (after his well coiffed hair and rippling abdomen muscles) is the only thing keeping the Earth from road tripping across space and time to Apokolips Country.

Drug addicted Replacement Batman is ready to take drugs and to kick ass. And hopefully he's not out of drugs because then he won't be kicking any ass at all. I suppose he'll be kicking the drugs and balled up in the corner moaning about stomach cramps and crawling skin.

Why is it when somebody comes to chew bubblegum and kick ass, they have to announce that they're all out of bubblegum. What does one have to do with the other? Only complete dunderheads can't kick ass and chew bubblegum at the same time! Are we supposed to believe that the person will concentrate harder on the ass kicking now? Or that they're super angry over not having any more bubblegum? Do wrestlers turned actors care that much about bubblegum?

Hopefully fucking is the answer!

Has there ever been a situation in history or literature or song or whatever where the only solution left to do was to fuck? And I'm not talking about the final scene in the sewers in It! That might qualify but it's creepy and disgusting and I don't want to read about a gang bang involving twelve year olds as they fuck to save their lives. Although, it does fit the criteria for my question. So I guess that situation has happened! Good show, Stephen King!

I'm sure, historically, fucking was probably utilized to solve a problem by the Greeks and Romans every other week.

And then, perchance, fuck that hole?

You know how many holes I made while growing up? No, not to fuck! Just digging around in the backyard thinking that I'd find some kind of long, lost treasure! I don't have an accurate tally but it was a lot of holes. Granted, my backyard was the size of two normal house lots so I had a lot of places to search. One time as I was digging, I dug up a strange, acorn looking thing. I prodded it with the blade of the shovel and the blade sliced right through it. It began oozing pinkish goo. I completely freaked out, buried it quickly with my shovel, and ran off with my skin crawling. I think it was the gestation pod for a Predator and I probably saved Earth!

Other things I did as a kid that scared the shit out of me so that I went running off to a well-lighted room with gooseflesh all over my body? Shining a flashlight into the night sky. I always thought I was alerting aliens to my presence and they were, at any minute, about to come down and snatch me away.

Replacement Batman: The Drugged Knight Returns To Make a Hole

While Replacement Batman obsesses over a hole, Flip the Fuck Out Superman and Val-el face off. They don't fight because Val-el is a pacifist and a conscientious object-
or. I stole that from that poet that did that! You know the one! Unless you're American. Then just think it was Robert Frost in that poem about paths or snowy woods or something.

Why isn't Clark Kent a pacifist? Now that the subject has been broached in Earth 2, it boggles my mind that Clark never thought to refuse to fight. I constantly wonder why his battles always wind up in fisticuffs when he never needs to throw a punch. He can just walk calmly up to the bad guys, grab them by the scruff of the neck, and drag them off to prison. And now that he's infected with the Doomsday Virus (which he contracted due to violence!), he's going to have to be extremely careful about getting angry or he might lose control. He might have to take some classes on meditation. Maybe put in a Zen garden in the Fortress of Solitude which he can rake for hours on end to calm down. The main difference between Batman and Superman should be the level of violence exhibited by each. Batman has to be violent to put the fear in criminals (not that it seems to work in Gotham to deter crime) while Superman should be non-violent to completely humiliate criminals. He should pants them before taking them off to jail. And use his x-ray vision to make them infertile!

Tornado Lane joins the fight to distract Flip the Fuck Out Superman. She and Val-el just have to keep him away from CERN long enough for Replacement Batman to stick his dick in the hole. In this case, Batman's dick is The Streak starring Jay Gimmick. The Streak needs to get Aquawoman into CERN so she can beat down Bedlam and free the minds of Terry Sloan and Mister Terrific who will then be able to hit the off switch on the Boom Tube.

See this, artists and writers of New Earth Superman? The glowing eyes is freakish! It scares people, Superman! Calm the fuck down with the glowing eye covers already! Be the nice farm boy you were always meant to be!

Replacement Batman's hole plan works and Aquawoman takes over the fish part of Bedlam's mind. Or something. Anyway, it frees Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Mister 8. Maybe Bedlam's power was that he could only mind control people with "mister" in their names? The Misters shut down the Boom Tube allowing Queen Lantern to return to the fight. It's a good thing, too. Since he gets his power from the Earth, the further away from it he gets, the weaker he gets. But he was being heroic to save the world, so it wasn't a big deal to be in space this time. Gumption and what not, you know?

The last battle left is with Flip the Fuck Out Superman. Who turns out not to be Superman at all but somebody entirely better!

Yay, Bizarro! Boo! He dies on the next page!

So that takes care of Bedlam, Beguiler, and Bizarro. Darkseid has failed. At least until he sends the Female Furies down to Earth in World's End. But they'll have to face the Almost Justice Society starring Hawkcop, Val-el, Aquawoman, The Streak starring Jay Gimmick, Queen Lantern, Replacement Batman, Tornado Lane, Know-it-all Olsen, Doctor Fuck-up, and The Blandman.

Oh, also Bedlam isn't actually defeated. He recovers quickly from the stroke given to him by Aquawoman and steals back the Misters for his own pet project. That project is to release Fury, Big Barda, and the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips onto Earth 2. He'll also take some speech therapy classes to compensate for the slight loss of muscle control on the left side of his face.

Earth 2 #26 Rating: +2 Ranking. I wish continuity would just die an ignoble death in a dark alley where its corpse will then be eaten by stray cats and sewer rats. The whole concept of The New 52 is that there are 52 worlds for DC to play in. When I first began this project (reading all the New 52 books), I had hoped that every book would take place in its own world! Let the writers off the chains of continuity and let them have complete control over their story and the world where it takes place! Okay, maybe a few titles could be on the same Earth, like all the Batfamily titles. Give me free range writers! Down with continuity cages! DC loves "unleashing" things, right? Well unleash your fucking writers, you morons! Take off the chains of continuity and be free! Free, you fuckers! Free!