Friday, August 29, 2014

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34

Starfire must be killing some guy that just asked her for directions because why would two guys that kill anything that moves seem shocked that she's burning someone's face off?

Who decided that the reason men don't ask for directions is because they're arrogant, stubborn assholes that can't admit when they're lost? We need to change the conversation on that one, so let me be the first to start. The reason men don't ask for directions is because they don't feel lost as soon as they walk out the front fucking door. Not knowing the exact route to a place yet knowing the general direction one is headed means that you're not lost. I'm fairly certain as soon as a woman loses her sense of the cardinal directions, she feels lost. And if she's with a man that has not become confused about the placement of himself in our world's arbitrarily named directions but doesn't have a firm grasp on the name of the fucking street they're on, she's going to believe he's hopelessly lost and his male pride and ego won't allow for him to ask directions. Look. Some people have a good sense of direction and some people don't. But if you don't, lay off the fucking people that do. Also, some people are stubborn fuckers and if you're a stubborn fucker that can't admit that you're lost all the time, stop hanging out with women that will use you as an example of all men, you dumb asshole.

Also, about this toilet seat issue. Why the fuck does it gotta stay down? I'm not the one that winds up falling in the toilet because I was too lazy to check it. You do realize guys need to sit down when they shit, right? And lots of guys leave the seat up. But guess what? They put the fucking seat down before they sit down. Jesus Christ. Up. Down. Who gives a fuck? Take care of your own life and your own responsibilities and stop trying to make other people conform to the way you think the world should be. By the way, I'm a guy and I keep the toilet seat down because have you ever seen how fucking filthy you women get the rim underneath where your piss sprays? Oh, you haven't because you keep the seat down all of the time and when you finally do look at the fucking mess your not very directional urethra has made, you blame it on us guys. We're responsible for all the piss pooled up at the back of the toilet seat! You're responsible for all that splatter in the front where your pee hole is aimed.

Mostly though, I'm sick of all of these male/female jokes we hear over and over and over again. I blame those shitty sitcoms about married couples where the couple isn't in love at all. They're just constantly competing with each other and making the other one look like a fool. Do people not know that in a healthy relationship, you aren't constantly trying to embarrass the fuck out of your partner in front of your friends?

After that rant, I was generally surprised when I began reading and read this Lobdellized first page. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten that I was about to read twenty pages of shit!

Scott Lobdell is entirely incapable of beginning a comic book any other way than introducing the main character by name, saying a few things about the character, and making me wish I were dead. I suppose I can't begin a commentary without ranting about something that has nothing to do with comic books, so I suppose we're even. Although, and I'm trying to say this as humbly as I can, at least my beginnings are entertaining.

The book (and it pains me to call this a "book") begins with Starfire beating up aliens until one of them tells her where to find another alien she plans on beating up. You see, she was a slave and she has a problem with slavers. I suppose the only people that don't have a problem with slavers are slavers themselves. So when I pointed out she was a slave, it was just to emphasize how much of a problem she actually has with them.

Roy, being the super duper fucking genius level genius electronics master of making everything deadly, touches one button on SHADE's computer and instantly finds Starfire. I don't think Lobdell knows how to write anything but extremes. Someone is either all-powerful, or the smartest person in the world, or the fuckiest sex monster on Earth, or they're the opposite of those things. What I'm trying to say is that he's the worst.

Please just begin punching each other so I don't have to read any dialogue written by Scott Lobdell.

Instead of killing him immediately, Starfire listens to him talk about how he's changed because if he's changed, maybe he deserves to not be punished for the horrible atrocities he's committed, right? Maybe he's also stalling in the hopes that his infant granddaughter has spontaneously figured out how to call the police. I'd say he was waiting for Red Hood and Speedy to drop in and stop her from doing something she'll regret, but he doesn't know that they're on their way. And even if he did know they were going to drop by, he wouldn't think that those two maniacs would convince her not to kill.

No! No more talking! Kill him already! But make sure the fight lasts until the end of this comic book. And make sure it's done without speaking! Also no Narration Boxes!

Why doesn't Scott Lobdell ever write a silent comic book like that Batman: The Dark Knight issue by Gregg Hurwitz where Batman kills Christmas?

Oh look. It's that scene where they stop her from doing something she'll regret. I would sigh right now but I'm all out of sighs. I used them all up at this party I went to last night where some women were equating a man washing dishes with foreplay.

The ex-slaver blows his own head off with one of Speedy's more dangerous arrows after Starfire has flown away pissed off at everything. So now the guy is dead and Starfire didn't even get the satisfaction of doing it herself. Plus she's angry at her fellow outlaws. Way to go, jerkos! How dare they tell Starfire who she is and whether or not she should be able to kill that asshole. How dare they project their male ideals on how a female should react in a situation like this. They have killed people for no reason at all! To dare say that Starfire killing one person with good reason is going to spoil her somehow? How fucking chauvinist. She doesn't need these assholes to take care of her!

Since Starfire didn't get to fulfill one of her life's ambitions, she heads home and gets fucked up on Space Heroin. Now is Speedy going to tell her that she can't do that to?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34 Rating: No change. Are the Outlaws ever going to work together in this comic book or are they constantly going to be at odds? The "Next Month in the Futures End Special Blurb" says, "Five years in the future, the outlaws turn on each other." So how is that any different than the present? I'd be more surprised if they were getting along and working legitimate careers.

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