Saturday, August 2, 2014

Batman and Robin #33

I like to believe that Captain Cold is about to put a bullet in the back of Aquaman's head.

All aboard the party bus to Apokolips! I hope Batman gets in a fist fight with Granny Goodness!

Last issue, Damian Wayne's corpse was taken to Apokolips by Glorious Godfrey. Batman tried to go along but was stopped by the Justice League.

Because you don't have a Mother Box?

Aquaman should really stop butting into Batman's business and help those poor Killer Whales he dragged up to this elevation to fight his battles for him. They're probably freezing to death right now. And they have stomach aches from eating meat from Apokolips.

Aquaman's reasons for not allowing Bats to go to Apokolips are far more philosophical and theoretical than my quite practical reason. Apparently the Justice League can't leave Earth because they need to protect it. I think they might have learned that lesson during Forever Evil. If they aren't around to save the world, some asshat like Lex Luthor will wind up saving it and steal all of their thunder. So no more disappearing tricks when the Earth needs them! Even if Cyborg can generate a stable enough Boom Tube to transport Batman to Apokolips, Aquaman says he can't go.

Wait a second! Who gave Aquaman the last word?! Fuck that fish fucker!

Remember how I mentioned Forever Evil earlier? I just wanted to point out yet another mistake that DC's Editors made. In the back of this week's comic books, they have a map of the Multiverse. It's not really much of a map. It just shows a bunch of worlds with numbers and graphic hints as to who lives on each of the Earths. But Earth-3 shows a world with the continents in the correct direction. Am I misremembering the land masses being a mirror image of our land masses? Sometimes I feel I should get Jonni DC's old job as continuity cop.

Frankenstein walks out of this comic book because heroes squabble too much. Also, he was only helping Batman to recover his son's body so that it could be properly laid to rest. He doesn't want any part in this mad obsession to resurrect the child.

Shazam is fifteen? I think he may have told a few lies when filling out his application.

Batman is trying to gain access to his Hellbat costume which he keeps on Luthor's Justice League Satellite for some reason. I'm not even sure what it does! It must help Batman to walk since it's a crutch.

Yep. It's a crutch.

Seriously though, Batman doesn't need a super suit to make him Superman! He just needs to be Batman! I suppose if all of the heavy hitters were killed and Batman was the only one left that could put a cosmic bullet in Darkseid's head, he might want to be extra prepared. Or he could just do it without a super suit much the way he did it in that universe that doesn't exist anymore because it got the boot.

The Hellbat suit was forged in the sun by Superman. So when did Superman learn how to make armor? And who created an anvil and hammer that could survive the heat of the sun? And what kind of material is it made out of that it wasn't just incinerated immediately?

Another fight breaks out amongst the heroes because Charles Soule didn't write this bit. Thankfully, even though Tomasi wrote the battle, nobody gets decapitated. Batman just stands down and walks away. To be fair, Captain Cold started the whole thing by putting his freeze gun up to Batman's head. I can't believe he did that and the Justice League took Cold's side when Batman disarms him! What a bunch of dicks! Captain Cold should have been immediately thrown off the team!

Meanwhile on Apokolips, Darkseid's most specialest boy gets his first New 52 appearance.

Crikey, he's a big one!

Back at Wayne Manor, Superman pays Bruce a visit to apologize for the way the Justice League reacted. It's one of those touching scenes that Tomasi does so well that DC Comics would be smart to make note of. More of this friendship crap and caring for each other and less grim death and nonsense. Although it's harder for me to crack dick jokes when Clark and Bruce are being all touchy feely. Wait a second! No it isn't! I could have scanned a picture where they were being all sentimental and nice and captioned it, "Gay!" What a missed opportunity!

You know, if Tomasi and Soule wrote most of DC Comics, I think DC would sell a lot more comics. To the gays!

Since the Justice League and Superman wouldn't listen to Batman's desperate cry for help in bringing his son back to life, he gathers together the Bat-Family. They have to help him out or else they're out of the will! Too bad he forced Dick to fake his own death or he could have had added him to his Bat-army of Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, Titus, and Alfred Pennyworth (human). Alfred Pennyworth (cat) and Batcow are going to sit this one out.

Batman and Robin #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. The scene between Clark and Bruce was especially nice but what made it better was how Bruce watched Superman fly off and casually went down into the Batcave where his Bat-family were waiting and just said, "Let's get to it." Fuck the Justice League and the Hellbat armor. Crutches, I tell you! Crutches! What's needed for this mission to Apokolips is a bunch of non-super-powered mortals that have no kinds of super strength and even less invulnerability and couldn't possibly stand toe to toe with even the runtiest of all Apokoliptians! But even though the odds are stacked against them, they'll win in the end because they have the most powerful weapon in the world on their side: LOVE!

So gay!

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