Friday, August 22, 2014

Justice League Canada #4

That's it! I quit!

This is the last straw, DC! Are you trying to drive me crazy? First you start off a comic book called Justice League United with Issue #0. But this Issue #0 doesn't have anything to do with any origins or retcons or secret shenanigans! It's just the first issue of a five part story arc! That, in itself, was practically intolerable! The name of the five part story is Justice League Canada because, for some reason, the characters are going to form a new Justice League with ties to Canada. Why? I don't know! And to prove that Canada was involved in a title called Justice League United, you stuck a maple leaf in the "D" in "United." But now you've gone and completely just changed the title of the comic book to Justice League Canada because you're just fucking with us at this point, aren't you? You do realize that some of us are uncomfortable with change and by pulling a stunt like this, you create psychic pain which results in the eventual beating of spouses, right? Stop being big jerkos, DC Comics! I can't stand how often you do minor, annoying things that barely matter which cause me to overreact in an irrational manner and expose my character flaws! You suck!

Oh! That's why they'll be affiliated with Canada! They'll probably use this as JLC Headquarters! Plus the free healthcare.

Miiyahbin has still not become a super hero. I think her name was going to be Twilight or Eclipse or Moonscalper or something. I think my brain is racist. It came up with "Moonscalper" without any prompting from me! Why is the working of the brain so mysterious that humans seem to separate themselves from their own thoughts sometimes? As if our identities aren't wholly wrapped up in our brains. What and who we are is the brain. You know what television show I already hate and it hasn't even aired yet? The Red Band Society. When that one fucking idiot says that they can't cut into your soul, I just want to reach deep into the television and slap his soul right across the face. Doctors can cut into your soul! It's called a lobotomy! Because the soul doesn't exist and it isn't who you are because it doesn't exist! You are your brain! And doctors can cut into brains, dumby! That show looks like excrement.

Sure, sure. We're, technically, more than our brain. Hormones, pain, the processing of various nutrients and chemicals: all of these things affect the way the brain works, essentially changing who we are by changes in the life support system of the brain (our body!). Even parasites and other organisms can radically alter our personality. It's all very complex. But that's what happens when you evolve into an organism that is really just a smorgasbord of specialized organisms living in a community that we regard as an individual. And out of all the pieces that make us who we are, not one of them is a soul.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the soul were actually a cosmic parasite that influenced all of our actions so that we lived in ways that helped sustain its life? Is that already a plot to a Philip K. Dick short story?

Meanwhile on Rann, people are arguing about the creation of Ace Ultra, Destroyer of Worlds, and the death of Hawkman.

Shouldn't they be celebrating?

I guess the main conflict of the story ended last issue when Byth and Twat Lobo escaped? If that's the case, I admit I'm a bit surprised that was it. It's possible more shit can still go down on Rann but this is the last chapter of Justice League Canada, so we're going to have to get on with Horizon's origin. Unless her name was Shy Burrito. And then there's the scene where everybody signs contracts and waivers to be admitted to the team. And what about the part where Buddy Baker has to explain to his family how he's getting back into the super hero game?

Why does Martian Manhunter have a Trivial Pursuit playing piece on his chest? It must be Martian Trivial Pursuit because it has more wedges than the Earth version. Also all the wedges are the same color. I bet they're all questions about fire safety.

When did Supergirl become all emotionally mature and crap? Or is she just upset that she has competition for best bum on the team? I'm talking about Green Arrow's bum, not Stargirl's.

Hawkman has not yet come back to life. He lost an arm earlier and then he came back to life, so he should be coming back to life soon. No wait! He never came back to life after losing his arm in this comic book. That was in Futures End! Why is Hawkman's Futures End life paralleling his Justice League Canada life? I bet it means something! Maybe he's fated to lose his arm and die over and over and over again. Maybe he learned that was going to be his curse if he took up the mantle as Hakwman which is why Hawkman #1 began with him burning the suit. He was trying to outwit a prophecy.

Meanwhile in Canada, Alanna reveals that she and Adam Strange have already been married. That's not a good sign because DC can only have one married couple and Animal Man has taken that role. Alanna also decides to wear a Blue Space Suit similar to her husband's, so she's a super hero too now. I guess Alanna and Adam will be the Ralph and Sue of Justice League Canada. I was hoping Buddy and Ellen were going to have that job. See what happens when DC allows too many characters to be in long-term relationships?

Yay! The Dibny position is all Buddy and Ellen's!

Twat Lobo helps Byth steal Hawkman's body so Byth can extract the Nth metal. Twat Lobo does this so that he can learn the location of The Real Deal Lobo and destroy him. That's probably where the story will begin in the monthly series, Twat Lobo. On sale at all Twat Comic Book Stores in Twatember!

Miiyahbin says her magic word and becomes the First Nations superhero known as...well fuck it. I forget what she was supposed to be called and I should probably just stop guessing. Oh wait! Equinox! I think there is a lesson there. Just as I gave up, I discovered the truth! Giving up works!

Also, the rest of the team returns from Rann (except Adam Strange because he and Alanna are now in a weird long distance zeta beam relationship) and discuss forming the new team.

Well that's just fucking confusing now, isn't it?

Justice League Canada #4 Rating: No change. If they're going to name their team "Justice League" anything, forget stepping foot back in America. Batman will slap them with a trademark infringement lawsuit so quickly that they'll probably say something funny about how quickly they were slapped with the lawsuit. I think this team is well balanced! They have some really heavy hitters to be on the front line of any cosmic threat and then they have Green Arrow who hopefully has some broom and mop arrows because he's going to be spending a lot of time in the headquarters. Hopefully this series will be about creating various Justice Leagues across the globe so that we can see some B and C Listers making it onto Justice League Rosters. Maybe not as silly as Justice League Antarctica. But close! Fingers crossed! Does crossing my fingers mean that I'm hoping for crazy teams or that I'm lying about hoping for crazy teams?

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