Red Lanterns #33

Did anybody bother to collect all the cover variants so they could build this entire scene?

Guy Gardner and John Stewart are the bestest of friends so I already don't believe this cover. Comic book writers know better than to pit one hero against another hero based on some stupid plot contrivance. Most comic book writers think about how normal people act in their own lives when dealing with friends and family. They realize they can count the number of times they've punched a dear friend in the face on no hands. This leads them to think, "Why would super heroes begin throwing punches every time they disagree when most people work things out through communication?" Then they write their script and go about their lives. Until a few days later when the script arrives back in the mail from their editor with notes all over the place that say, "This issue needs more action! How about making Superman punch Wonder Woman in the vagina on page four? Then Superman can maybe kick Batman in the balls on page five. So the writer goes back to the drawing board and writes a scene where Batman breaks his foot on Wonder Woman's hoo-diddly and is then kicked in half when Superman kicks him in the wobbly bits. A few days later, the script comes back in a manilla envelope with two words written in red pen: "HA" and "HA".

At some point the final script magically appears out of thin air and everybody is happy, even if it includes a short physical fight between heroes due to a misunderstanding. But don't think any writer would ever come up with that! Ridiculous!

See? The interaction between two heroes by a real writer.

Even though Guy Gardner nearly killed Atrocitus when Guy took over the Red Lanterns, he figure he needs help this time. He's probably right since Atrocitus is building an army thanks to all the Red Rings he sent out a number of issues ago. He's probably also going to need help because Skallox is a big doody headed traitor who's busy selling Guy out to Atrocitus!

John is curious as to why Guy became a Red Lantern and even though I already answered this in a previous commmentary, most people would probably rather hear it from Guy Gardner than from me. Basically, Guy has a lot of anger built up at himself and his own choices and he feels like he deserves to be a Red Lantern. You know, just like I've said previously. I've been doing this for nearly three years. When are y'all going to start trusting my judgment?

A-ha! That's why the cover artist mistakenly believed that Guy and John get in a fight this issue!

Skallox runs away from Ysmault to join up with Atrocitus on the new Red Lantern Headquarter Planet of Styge Prime, Skallox's old homeworld. I think I should take back the doody headed traitor line because it's possible Guy has put Skallox up to this mission. Just like he was chosen to infiltrate the Red Lanterns for the Green Lanterns, Guy now may be using Skallox to infiltrate Atrocitus's Red Lanterns. Or I could be completely wrong about everything. It wouldn't be the first time I was completely wrong about everything! The first time was when I decided to live my life the way I'm living it. What have I done?!

Skallox is going to become one of those spies that could be a double, triple, quadruple, or multitupular agent. Speaking of double agents, how come when people are ruining plots to old movies to be funny, nobody ever spoils No Way Out?

Back at the trading post, John Stewart gets in a brawl with some aliens that have a beef with the Green Lanterns. So, you know, he just runs into some non-Green Lantern aliens. Guy Gardner almost misses it while he's in the bathroom. Is Pulp Fiction the only movie that deals with people's fears of missing out on life by using the toilet? I'm pretty sure that was the main theme of the movie.

These Space Ports must have dozens of different bathrooms for all of the alien shaped anuses. Guy just left the one for "vaguely humanoid."

After the brawl, Guy learns that John just can't help him with his war against Atrocitus right now. He's in charge of a bunch of new recruits and he can't let any harm come to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 or I'll never read another comic book with John Stewart in it again. Besides, Atrocitus only has a small army of maniacal, angry, monstrously disfigured aliens, right?

Rings! Rings! Red Rings for Everybody!

Red Lanterns #33 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like Guy and his buddies are seriously fucked! I think need to read the Annual next to find out just how fucked they are!