Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Aquaman and the Others #5

Legend is so old he's basically just sentient dust.

This comic book is so uninteresting that people aren't even interested in reading my hilariously biting commentary on it! Emphasis on the hilarious! Instead of commenting on this comic book, I should comment on my commentary of this comic book! No wait. That would mean I'd have to write two commentaries. I don't even want to write one commentary on this comic book! Whenever I write about Aquaman, somebody always has to point out how I don't get the character and how he's so much more than a fish rapist pervert manipulative asshole!

Fictional characters can't sue you for libel, right? But if they can, is anybody willing to dress up like Aquaman and fuck a fish so I can get it on video to prove that I wasn't being libelous? It would also help if you were a lawyer that could defend me in the fraud case that happens after I try to use the fish fucking video in court.

Last issue, Legend accidentally let it slip that his armor was the only thing keeping him alive. This issue, I can't imagine how the Others will defeat Legend! Hmm, I thought those two statements were going to have more in common than they wound up having. Oh well!

Jesus, dude! Did you ever take a high school English class? Show don't tell! Get on with it already!

Is that all it would take for a super villain to finally be successful? Take one high school English class? Learn to just fucking do it instead of talking about doing it? I think I might be a super villain! I love talking about all the things I plan to do but never have time to do because giant robots need to be shot down on the Xbox.

One of Legend's descendants (the male one. The one with the name I can't remember because he's boring?) suggests they begin the ritual before something happens. He probably should have made the suggestion earlier because something happens. That something is Vostok XI and Ya'wara return from the moon with the last of the stolen gold. I guess that could be a good thing that happens since Legend probably needs Vostok's helmet for his Golden Helmet and Ya'wara's orb to for his Golden Codpiece. More likely it's a bad thing and Legend is about to get his ass kicked.

It seems like I've only commented on a small portion of the comic book so far, but it's already halfway over! I guess if I wrote a paragraph describing Ya'wara's butt-cheeks every time they appear, this commentary would be twenty pages long by now.

These thugs are so bad at their jobs that The Others don't even have to pay attention as they beat the thugs senseless.

Aquaman is tossed into the pool with the Relics and he's healed. Maybe he's immortal now! Ugh, I hope not.

Oh look! There's old what's-his-name trying to hurry the plan along again! Shut up, dummy!

Poor Hurry-It-Along takes two bullets to the chest from iSpy because Legend couldn't get his act together. This is what happens when you dilly-dally, children! Or what happens when your parents dilly-dally. So make sure your parents aren't complete fuckups that procrastinate when it comes to just about everything, like saving for your college or killing the good guys that are trying to thwart their villainous plans.

Aquaman returns to end it all by stabbing Legend in the chest with his trident and turning him into a pile of dust. Just like on the cover! So wait. I didn't have to purchase this comic book at all? The big climactic moment was right there on the cover? What the fuck?! I wish I'd gotten the Selfie Variant!

After the battle, Aquaman and the Others determine that Vostok is a clown and tell him so right to his face. It's kind of rude. He denies it but I think being a clown in Russia is a good thing. At least according to Billy Joel.


Aquaman and The Others #5 Rating: No change. The issue ends with Sky giving the Seal of Clarity to Kahina's sister and Vostok XI taking the place of Vostok X. I suppose Sky will remain with The Others since she and iSpy's grandson have some kind of romantic something or other happening between them. Plus she has the Land of the Dead power which I should probably sue her over since that was Super Mummy's super power! Oh, you don't know who Super Mummy was? Well, that doesn't mean Dan Jurgens can go around stealing my ideas even though nobody knows about them! I shouldn't have put them on the internet! Fucking thieves!

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