Apparently my comic book store doesn't want me seeing the legitimate covers.
Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I wrote a good dick joke. Does the time I photoshopped Brainy Smurf so that it looked like he was masturbating count?
Nope, that's not a dick joke.
Wrong, RealRainbowRaider! Bunker attacked a guy that was probably about to insult Bunker and Beast Boy but we'll never know what his insult was going to be because Bunker smashed him into a wall.
Bunker is basically threatening the populace to act decently to costumed heroes and villains. What the fuck is up with that? If the only way you can get people to act decently is to threaten them with violence or punishment, you haven't actually achieved anything more than scaring people into keeping their bigotry quiet. You're not going to end bigotry with laws. You know how you can end it though? Keep stupid people from breeding!
Oh shit. I hope I didn't just offend any bigots reading this because I called them stupid. It's odd, though. You can call somebody a bigot and they won't get half as mad (oh, they'll get mad!) as they would if you'd called them stupid. It's the one insult that's sure to make a stupid person angry. A smart person doesn't give a shit if somebody else thinks they're stupid. Smart peoples gots self-esteem, yo.
I don't even remember what I was trying to say. Why does Point A always lead to Point B which then leads to Hidden Path C which leads to Secret Door D which leads to Lost Labyrinth of Eternity E? You know what I mean? Quod Erat Deconstructiondendum: Bunker has become a touchy asshole.
DC would have been better off letting the guy say "faggots" as the foundation for this story of Bunker hardening up and getting angry and filling up with a passion to use his powers to change the status quo. As it is, it's all just too ambiguous and makes Bunker look worse for attacking somebody who might have just been about to say, "Only complaint I've got is with all the superheroes in New York, it's just my luck to get rescued by the two who look like a couple of -- guys that won't accept an invitation to dinner to prove how grateful I am."
Oh! I almost forgot about how happy I was yesterday when I heard some news which I'll continue after the caption!
Stupid people are the best.
Meanwhile, Tim Drake is busy interrogating one of the would-be suicide bombers from issue one.
When did Red Robin become a Japanese horror monster?
The TerrorMonster that Red Robin is politely interviewing dies when the STAR Labs morphine drip decides to go all STAR Labs morphine gusher. The nurse rushes in and hits the TerrorMonster with the paddles because Will Pfeifer and Kenneth Rocafort obviously don't read Polite Dissent. Never shock a flatline! Sure, that knowledge completely ruins the best movie that Keifer Sutherland was ever in but it's important to know when you're watching something on television and they get it wrong. It's very important so that you can nod sagely at the person next to you and say, "That's a mistake. Idiots."
The Doctor is even better than Doctor House because she figures out how the guy died almost instantly. And she didn't need to run around the hospital going in and out of doors chasing scary monsters while pop music played only to fall in her own trap before finally revealing that the murderer was Old Man McGinty, the guy that was trying to buy the hospital.
Holy shit! If House MD had been a show in the seventies, he could have guest starred on Scooby Doo! That would have been fucking terrific! Why isn't there a new Scooby Doo cartoon with guest stars taken from pop culture's best in this day and age? I want to see Shaggy and Scooby solve a mystery with Lady Gaga and Beyonce.
Okay, okay. Stop getting distracted, Tess. You've been in the Lost Labyrinth of Eternity long enough. Let's get back to the comic book, shall we?
A girl named Theresa Cicero is walking home in New York which means she's going to get violently hassled. Except this issue must take place in the seventies just like my House fantasy! Because she's saved by a themed street gang!
The Warriors had to be one of my top five favorite movies as a kid. This gang is obviously The Wonder Girls.
Um, at the end of the scene I mentioned previously, a STAR Labs building explodes. So the Teen Titans will probably need to investigate that and continue to prove to New York that they're heroes and not dramatic teenage assholes.
Bunker meets the bus driving Evil Ms. Smarty Pants from the previous issue while Beast Boy, having changed into a bonobo, is masturbating on a different floor.
So the Evil Ms. Smarty Pants turns out to be a robot named Algorithm with nanobot healing technology. And she's working for Manchester Black who is doing some Scooby Doo villain shit and trying to get STAR Labs to move or fail to move or be blamed for people dying or something. Maybe he has off shore real estate he's trying to sell to them so he can make a few bucks but they aren't biting and he's trying to force their hand. I don't think he's wearing a rubber mask though.
Teen Titans #2 Rating: No change. Now, no change in the rankings doesn't mean I didn't like this comic book. I'm liking it a fuckton more than Lobdell's anus shriveling version. But I think it's currently ranked about right sitting in the middle of the pack. I like that the antagonists have their own plan that doesn't expressly revolve around the Teen Titans. I like that the Teen Titans are acting like fucking heroes instead of just fighting other heroes and vandalizing large swathes of New York. I like that Beast Boy and Bunker are roommates. This comic is headed in the right direction. Finally, Teen Titans fans actually have something worth reading. And Bunker might be headed toward the dark side if he keeps acting out violently against people that are just expressing opinions, no matter how ignorant or hurtful. Or, you know, mysterious since nothing was ever said!