The Phantom Stranger #22

The Phantom Stranger wages a war against his own sexuality atop God's Penis.

Writing two blogs per day is time consuming! I've had to start seriously curtailing the amount of time I spend masturbating just to keep up on all of my DC Comic books. I have a stack of Ms. Marvel that I'd still like to comment on when I read them even though I've basically given up commenting on Marvel because God didn't make enough time for human beings to do all the things they want to do. What a jerk! I can't wait to look Him in the eye, point my finger right at His nose, and say, "Please don't send me to Hell." But I'll be thinking, "You Jerko Jerk of the Jerkiest Jerks!" God can't read minds, can he? Maybe I shouldn't think that when I meet Him! Maybe I shouldn't have thought that at all! Maybe I shouldn't have put it down in writing?!

Maybe I'll just thank him for that time he aborted my dear child so that I never had to come to the decision myself. God does answer prayers! Hallelujah! Praise Jesus!

I mean, Goddamn Himself for taking my baby! Fuck His mysterious ways! I didn't learn any lesson at all that was worth the loss of future love and debt!

Sometimes it's fun to pretend to believe in God!

I picture the Christian God as more of a Comic Sans kind of deity.

You know what kind of people I could never be friends with? The kind that read or hear something and determine the source was "trying to be shocking." People like Rusty Brehe! It's the kind of statement one makes when they're offended by something but don't want to give the originator of the offense credit for making them feel offended. You know when I'm trying to be shocking? Never! Because when I write something that makes me laugh, I assume it will make other people laugh. Writers are looking for an audience that take enjoyment from the things they write. Right?

I figured I'd just put that previous paragraph here since I was trying to be shocking earlier. I mean, funny! I was trying to be funny!

The Phantom Stranger curses and wonders why God didn't appear to him as a tiny dog that he could kick across the desert scrub brush. Instead God had to appear as The Font in the Sky. How do you defeat floating words?!

Whose mercy kept him from the fires of Hell? Who's the giant Prick that sends people to Hell? This is like some drunk asshole calling you a name and then threatening to beat your ass for being a dick when you respond with some choice names of your own.

God fights dirty. Instead of punching The Phantom Stranger in the eye so that The Stranger can punch God in His "I", God sends The Stranger back into Philip Stark's body and life the night after The Sin Eater turned everything upside down by stealing Stark's family and killing the babysitter.

The entire story is told using so many Narration Boxes that the panels don't even need to be there. I think the only reason for the art is to replace the "he said" and the "she said" of the dialogue. You can tell even Fernando Blanco was bored drawing this comic book by the slack expressions on the faces of everybody. They all look too stupid to understand what's happening.

Maybe I'm just too stupid to understand what's happening?! Is this how God fights all of his battles? I remember He tried this trick once in that book by Nikos Kazantzakis! This must be The Last Temptation of Philip J. Stark. It's the only way God knows how to test people.

God: "So? You think serving me your entire life was so bad, do you? Well, let me show you what your life would have been like if you'd had a spouse and some kids! You'll be begging to by my puppet again!"

I think most people share common ground in their understanding of good and evil. The only person's take on good and evil that I find confusing is God's!

I've resized it to fit the parameters of my blog (Tumblr, not Blogspot. Sorry, Blogspot! My pics tend to be a smidgen too big for the site) but when I originally scanned it, it was 666 pixels! Spooky!

I'd also like to point out how hell is created by each individual person. If you noticed that I had God speaking in Comic Sans above and were annoyed by it, it's your own fault. If you never want to see Comic Sans again, delete the fucking font from your computer! You've had the power all along!

The Phantom Stranger is learning about imposing Hell on himself too! Why do you feel you have to be exposed to Comic Sans, Stranger? Because of what you did to Christ? Come on! Christ wouldn't blame you. He used you, you dumb dumb! You should be angry at him, not yourself!

Dog finally appears when The Stranger has had enough of hallucinations and madness and cries out to Him for help. He explains to The Phantom Stranger that thing I got to first about Hell being created by each individual. Dog has never punished The Stranger. Some strange mystic council has never punished him. The Phantom Stranger has always believed he needed to be punished. It is Judas Iscariot's greatest sin: the belief that he could sin so greatly that he could never be forgiven. Christ forgives all; Christ redeems all. So to think one is above redemption puts one above Christ himself! And so, The Stranger accepted any punishments and tortures given to him by jerko DC writers and editors.

The Stranger offers to trade his life for Zauriel's and thus wins the battle against Dog. Or The Font in the Sky. Or himself, actually. Anyway, Zauriel comes back to life but gets to appear as a woman because The Stranger hasn't accepted his homosexuality. Or maybe, I guess, he's not gay at all. And Zauriel wants to fuck The Stranger, so he appears with the genitalia that The Phantom Stranger finds sexually enticing. Then The Phantom Stranger and Zauriel fly off to find a new life! Oh, and Terrance Thirteen tags along because they're all into that kind of thing?

The Phantom Stranger #22 Rating: No change. Like The Phantom Stranger himself, this book lost its way a long time ago! Mostly it was just Dog fucking with The Stranger. But now that Dog's had his fun, it's time for The Stranger to figure out if DC can finally come up with a good story for The Trinity of Sin since it's gone nowhere multiple times now. Do Pandora, The Question, and The Phantom Stranger have anything in common or has DC just thrown their hands up in the air at this point and said, "Fuck it!"? I guess we'll see at some point. But not in this comic! It's over, right? Except for the Futures End issue! Right?