Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Multiversity #1

Starring Earth 23 Superman (who is also the president and sells auto insurance), Dark Bunny Captain Carrot, Kamala Khan, and Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lantern from Hell's Kitchen.

If Earth One is the place where fancy format comic books of super heroes comes out, and Earth 2 is where The Almost Justice Society live, and Earth Zero is, presumably, the Earth where I'm sitting here typing about which Earth is New Earth, which Earth is New Earth? I have a feeling New Earth will become Earth One and the Earth One Special Format Whatever Books don't actually exist in continuity. Fuck, I don't think this book will probably exist in continuity! Does DC have the rights to publish a Dark Bunny version of Captain Carrot? They might get sued by an anthropomorphic llama!

The issue begins with a narrator getting awfully familiar with me, pointing out that whichever Earth stars on the first page of this comic book has just gotten Multidimensional Lice. It's disgusting. Not as gross as the woman that has lice on her lice! I bet she even has amoebas on her fleas on her lice. She's disgusting.

Not because she has lice! Even clean Earths get lice! She's disgusting because, well, I don't have a reason to cover my ass for calling her disgusting just because she picked up lice somewhere. Maybe we should talk about something else really quickly so you forget that I was being an asshole last paragraph.

How does this comic book know that I'm doing a commentary as I read it? And that I have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me telling me "It's all eyes"? That's what everybody else sees too, right?

This must be that haunted comic book everybody was talking about on Comicsverse last week! Except only spambots were logging on to the Comicsverse Comic Forum because that place wishes it was haunted.

Okay, I admit it. I see a monkey in a pirate suit too. But I do have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me, so it's kind of weird. And I am basically dissecting the comic book, right? Am I a Monitor too?! Just like Nix Uotan! He's called Superjudge and I love to super judge people! And Judas the Elizabethan Cat is like Stubbs the Pirate Monkey! They both wear clothing and act crazy! I'm going to save the Multiverse!

The first world Mr. Monkey and Nix travel to is Earth-7 where shit is going down hardcore. Is that what the kids say instead of apocalypse? The first hero of 52 worlds that Nix rescues is Thunderer. Nix also meets some of the bad guys who call themselves The Gentry.

Hee hee. Demogorgunn is made of naked people.

The bad guys are all asshole comic book readers that can't text correctly. It's a good thing I don't use "2" for "to" and "yu" for "you" and "yr" for "your" or else I'd think that Grant Morrison was making me the villain! Although I do kind of resemble Lord Broken, if you squint just right and nail boards to me and install a few windows on my face.

I bet the comic book readers are the villains because we read the story to the conclusion. We make the events happen as our eyes move from panel to panel. We control time in the comic book and thus we have the power to stop reading and save everyone. So we should all stop reading this comic book just like we're supposed to so that nobody else dies! You evil jerks! Stop reading! I mean, I'm not going to stop reading because I already know I'm an evil jerk. But you guys are innocent puppies! Put the comic book down and go home and kiss your mother on the lips. Use a little tongue. Make her feel loved again!

I used to blame my Cousin Jason for ruining Arseface's life in Preacher. He stopped reading the comic book when Arseface appeared, leaving him in pretty much the most miserable position he was in in the comic book. He couldn't read anymore because of what Ennis was doing to that character and because he was being called Arseface as a joke. But I pointed out that Arseface goes on to be a rock and roll god who is worshiped by millions. He winds up loving his life and being a hero to many! But Cousin Jay squelched his destiny and left him a wreck living with a shitty father! What a jerk, that Cousin Jay! He's the biggest villain of all!

Nix wakes up in his own bed on whatever Earth Superjudge hides on. He drops my comic book which continues the story over on Earth-23 with Insurance Salesman, Mr. President Superman.

Ugh! More Brainiac! Don't we have enough Brainiac already?!

While in a meeting with the Justice League, Superman winds up transported through Lex Luthor's Parallel Universe Parallelagon Trapemorph Cosmic Cube Thingamajig. That thing is dangerous! Superman winds up on the beat to shit Monitor's Satellite. Unless it's Warworld. But Jim Starlin isn't writing this, so it's not Warworld.

Silly Rabbit! Multidimensional Parallel World Transmatter Cubes are for vermicious knids!

Captain Carrot leads Superman into the Watchtower meeting room to find a scene out of the Annual Justice League Interview and Internship Day. I guess every Justice League calls their headquarters the Watchtower because this place exists. At the recruitment drive/kidnapping festival, Superman meets a Swamp Thing and a Gypsy and a Bloodwynd and a Hawkman and an Aquawoman and a Lady Quark and a Chibi Wonder Woman and a Chibi Steel and Dinocop and a Green Lantern and, um, Johnny Quick? There's also a guy with white hair and electrical powers that I don't recognize. Not that I recognized Dino-Cop either! But he was named by Captain Carrot earlier, so I figured the guy with Stegosaurus fins and the cop uniform must be Dino-Cop. Also somebody named Spore should be here somewhere and I'm guessing it's not Dave Sim's Spore from Cerebus! Although if they never actually show him, I'll just assume it's him. Maybe Dave Sim was paid so Morrison could use Spore? No, DC wouldn't give Dave Sim half of the profit on this comic book and I think that's the only way Dave works. Everybody gets equal shares!

I take it Thunderer is an indigenous inhabitant of Australia. I've often thought there should be an aboriginal Australian super villain named Didgeridoom.

Superman plugs his Brainiac systems into the Monitor's Watchtower and brings up the satellite's computer system: Harbinger. Even after all these years, I didn't need to see the name when the face appeared. I think some worlds might be fucked here pretty soon.

Harbinger lets the gathered heroes know that they've been brought together to save the Multiverse (not the Omniverse, you dumb douchebag!) because the Monitors are too dead to save it. And being heroes (and not the fact that they can't go home if they say no), they agree to save the day! All the days! Every one of them! Forever!

President Superman gets to meet some of the other heroes. The Johnny Quick looking guy is Red Racer from Earth-36. Aquawoman is from Earth-11. Lucky Earth-11! So much better than stupid, useless New Earth Aquaman.

Earth-36 is the gay Earth. And I'm basing that not on Green Lantern and Red Racer's affection for each other but on the most powerful dildo in the universe held by Green Lantern.

Obviously dildos aren't inherently gay (or even close to inherently gay); I'm just doing the gay math from this scene.

Speaking of sexual proclivities, I'm surprised Captain Carrot hasn't fucked everything already. Rabbits love to fuck!

A small team of Red Racer, Captain Carrot, President Superman, Thunderer, and Aquawoman head out in the Ultima Thule in search of Earth-7 so they can save Superjudge. Except they wind up on Earth-8 because President Superman isn't as good at jazz as everybody was expecting he'd be. You know why. Because he's Superman.

Earth-8 is where DC keeps its fake Marvel characters hidden from their lawyers. It's possible they're from somewhere else but their enemy is Lord Havok, a Dr. Doom ripoff. And he's stolen Wundajin's Lightning-Axe, Mjoljolchop. Anyway, the team of heroes on Earth-8 are called the Retaliators because that's a synonym for Avengers!

See? Crusader is Captain America and Machinehead is Ironman and that one over there is Hawkeye and that one there is Black Widow and right up front is Spidery Person.

And who is the guy in the background in the suit just looking all normal and regular and shit? Why it's Deuce Danner who turns into the Tiny Tantrum!

Oops! I mean he's Dwayne Dibbley who turns into the Behemoth! Incidentally, I wonder why Behemoth wants more nuns?

I wonder whose job it is to change Behemoth's diapers? Probably Jeeves's! Or Nick Furry, Agent of the Regal Beagle's job!

The DC Comics guys team up with the "Major" Comics guys and head off to stop Lord Havok from cracking the Genesis Egg. But they're too late! The egg has already hatched!

I told you jerks to stop reading! Look what you've done!

And that's it for this month! I think my favorite moment was when Grant Morrison, using The Judge of Worlds' voice, calls the readers ingrates! I think he might be a bit sick and tired of all The New 52 whiners and naysayers! Of course, they'll read it and think he's in support of having kept the old world because they're all stupid dodo heads who forget that comic books aren't about the history of the characters or the characters themselves, really. The comic books are all about the writers. Look at how many idiots supported Scott Lobdell's shitastic run on Teen Titans simply because they loved those characters? Ugh. Those were the worst characters ever! And not because I have any personal grudge against any of them. It's just they were all written terribly and, thus, they were the worst characters ever! After Green Arrow and Catwoman, of course. And pretty soon after Klarion the Witch Boy!

This comic is what DC Comics should be doing more of. Have fun with characters. Stop being mired in continuity and the need for grim, "adult" stories of grimness and grimgrimmygrimington. Hopefully DC is learning their lesson. I take heart in the change in tone of the upcoming Batgirl and, even though he has to pretend he's dead, Grayson seems to be a more upbeat version of Dick's life. Now more of this Captain Carrot! I don't think he dropped one pun the whole time. What is wrong with him? Um, I mean, why can't Grant Morrison write puns? Too embarrassing, isn't it, Grant, to stoop so low? Wait a second. Weren't you looking to write The Flash? That guy is all puns, dumb dumb!

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