Starring Earth 23 Superman (who is also the president and sells auto insurance), Dark Bunny Captain Carrot, Kamala Khan, and Jemm, Son of Saturn, Green Lantern from Hell's Kitchen.
The issue begins with a narrator getting awfully familiar with me, pointing out that whichever Earth stars on the first page of this comic book has just gotten Multidimensional Lice. It's disgusting. Not as gross as the woman that has lice on her lice! I bet she even has amoebas on her fleas on her lice. She's disgusting.
Not because she has lice! Even clean Earths get lice! She's disgusting because, well, I don't have a reason to cover my ass for calling her disgusting just because she picked up lice somewhere. Maybe we should talk about something else really quickly so you forget that I was being an asshole last paragraph.
How does this comic book know that I'm doing a commentary as I read it? And that I have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me telling me "It's all eyes"? That's what everybody else sees too, right?
Okay, I admit it. I see a monkey in a pirate suit too. But I do have a cat in an Elizabethan collar next to me, so it's kind of weird. And I am basically dissecting the comic book, right? Am I a Monitor too?! Just like Nix Uotan! He's called Superjudge and I love to super judge people! And Judas the Elizabethan Cat is like Stubbs the Pirate Monkey! They both wear clothing and act crazy! I'm going to save the Multiverse!
The first world Mr. Monkey and Nix travel to is Earth-7 where shit is going down hardcore. Is that what the kids say instead of apocalypse? The first hero of 52 worlds that Nix rescues is Thunderer. Nix also meets some of the bad guys who call themselves The Gentry.
Hee hee. Demogorgunn is made of naked people.
I bet the comic book readers are the villains because we read the story to the conclusion. We make the events happen as our eyes move from panel to panel. We control time in the comic book and thus we have the power to stop reading and save everyone. So we should all stop reading this comic book just like we're supposed to so that nobody else dies! You evil jerks! Stop reading! I mean, I'm not going to stop reading because I already know I'm an evil jerk. But you guys are innocent puppies! Put the comic book down and go home and kiss your mother on the lips. Use a little tongue. Make her feel loved again!
I used to blame my Cousin Jason for ruining Arseface's life in Preacher. He stopped reading the comic book when Arseface appeared, leaving him in pretty much the most miserable position he was in in the comic book. He couldn't read anymore because of what Ennis was doing to that character and because he was being called Arseface as a joke. But I pointed out that Arseface goes on to be a rock and roll god who is worshiped by millions. He winds up loving his life and being a hero to many! But Cousin Jay squelched his destiny and left him a wreck living with a shitty father! What a jerk, that Cousin Jay! He's the biggest villain of all!
Nix wakes up in his own bed on whatever Earth Superjudge hides on. He drops my comic book which continues the story over on Earth-23 with Insurance Salesman, Mr. President Superman.
Ugh! More Brainiac! Don't we have enough Brainiac already?!
Silly Rabbit! Multidimensional Parallel World Transmatter Cubes are for vermicious knids!
I take it Thunderer is an indigenous inhabitant of Australia. I've often thought there should be an aboriginal Australian super villain named Didgeridoom.
Harbinger lets the gathered heroes know that they've been brought together to save the Multiverse (not the Omniverse, you dumb douchebag!) because the Monitors are too dead to save it. And being heroes (and not the fact that they can't go home if they say no), they agree to save the day! All the days! Every one of them! Forever!
President Superman gets to meet some of the other heroes. The Johnny Quick looking guy is Red Racer from Earth-36. Aquawoman is from Earth-11. Lucky Earth-11! So much better than stupid, useless New Earth Aquaman.
Earth-36 is the gay Earth. And I'm basing that not on Green Lantern and Red Racer's affection for each other but on the most powerful dildo in the universe held by Green Lantern.
Speaking of sexual proclivities, I'm surprised Captain Carrot hasn't fucked everything already. Rabbits love to fuck!
A small team of Red Racer, Captain Carrot, President Superman, Thunderer, and Aquawoman head out in the Ultima Thule in search of Earth-7 so they can save Superjudge. Except they wind up on Earth-8 because President Superman isn't as good at jazz as everybody was expecting he'd be. You know why. Because he's Superman.
Earth-8 is where DC keeps its fake Marvel characters hidden from their lawyers. It's possible they're from somewhere else but their enemy is Lord Havok, a Dr. Doom ripoff. And he's stolen Wundajin's Lightning-Axe, Mjoljolchop. Anyway, the team of heroes on Earth-8 are called the Retaliators because that's a synonym for Avengers!
See? Crusader is Captain America and Machinehead is Ironman and that one over there is Hawkeye and that one there is Black Widow and right up front is Spidery Person.
Oops! I mean he's Dwayne Dibbley who turns into the Behemoth! Incidentally, I wonder why Behemoth wants more nuns?
The DC Comics guys team up with the "Major" Comics guys and head off to stop Lord Havok from cracking the Genesis Egg. But they're too late! The egg has already hatched!
I told you jerks to stop reading! Look what you've done!
This comic is what DC Comics should be doing more of. Have fun with characters. Stop being mired in continuity and the need for grim, "adult" stories of grimness and grimgrimmygrimington. Hopefully DC is learning their lesson. I take heart in the change in tone of the upcoming Batgirl and, even though he has to pretend he's dead, Grayson seems to be a more upbeat version of Dick's life. Now more of this Captain Carrot! I don't think he dropped one pun the whole time. What is wrong with him? Um, I mean, why can't Grant Morrison write puns? Too embarrassing, isn't it, Grant, to stoop so low? Wait a second. Weren't you looking to write The Flash? That guy is all puns, dumb dumb!