Batman Eternal #20

Last issue, we discovered that Brainiac was behind the framing of Jim Gordon. Also, The Spectre's gang were busy invading Terrifitech while Batgirl, Red Hood, and Batwoman were infiltrating Cadmus Island. Lois Lane and Vicki Vale were investigating people that just wanted to be left alone so that they could advance their careers at the expense of the privacy of others. And I think Alfred might have been behind the recent uptick in Icarus use. I think I might also be reading too many comic books.

This is Batgirl remembering that criminals are a cowardly lot and taking on the role of the scary half of her name. Hmm, that joke is too obvious and sexist to finish. And if there's one thing I can't stand being called, it's obvious.

Beneath Gotham, the Ten-Eyed Man stands around pointing his fingers at things and raving like anybody else that had their optic nerves rewired to their fingertips. Where did the surgeon get the extra optic cabling to cover that distance? Monoprice.com? The Ten-Eyed Man's entire plan is to sacrifice Killer Croc's young friend to open a portal so that he can see the face of something or other. I guess having eyes at the ends of each of your fingers isn't exactly a power that makes you a threat to anybody, so he had to be given some kind of mystic hoodoo power. Once Batman stops the ritual by keeping Jade from entering the portal, the entire cavern begins to collapse. Because if it didn't, how else do you play out the denouement of a failed evil ritual? At this point, nobody would believe the ritual was interrupted if things didn't begin to collapse. I'm glad every time I stop doing a chore halfway through because I don't want to spend any more time on it, my apartment doesn't fall in on itself. Buildings and caverns are so sensitive in fiction!

Batman, Jason Bard, and Killer Croc escape the collapsing cave but leave the Ten-Eyed Man because fuck that freak. He's better off dead! And Batman doesn't have a responsibility to save everybody from death. He's just not allowed to kill them. And by "kill them," I mean they can't die immediately after having been struck by Batman, or at least not until Batman has turned his back on them while they were still breathing.

Now I'm just blatantly repeating myself from past commentaries. But there's only so much one person can write! I think I've used all the words I know. Maybe I should read a dictionary next.

My output on Blogspot for the past few years. Keep in mind, these are all entries personally written by me and not reblogs of funny kitten videos. The first years were before I knew what to do with the blog since I only created it because I came up with the Best Blog Name Ever (according to Doomkopf.com).

Doomkopf.com is the second website I've plugged this commentary and I'm not making any ad revenue! Besides "obvious," I apparently also don't like to be described as "successful."

Did you remember there was a riot breaking out all over Blackgate penitentiary which I thought was Blackgate Prison but I guess I was wrong or something? Harper's father is doing his best to convince delicious, creamy Warden Zorbatos that she should let him escape. Jim Gordon is trying to stop the riot all by himself. And Gordon's cellmate, Leo, is shaving off his beard. Is that because he's going to reveal his secret identity and that he's the mastermind of the entire riot, Rex Calabrese?!

These inmates are smarter than I am! I would have just said, "What the fuck is happening?! G-g-g-g-ghosts!"

Down in the jungle, Doctor Falsario has been murdered. And just when Batgirl was going to bring him in and expose the frame up job on her father! Also just when Leo was singing "in the jungle" because maybe he had something to do with it! Or he might just have been singing that because it's about a lion sleeping and his name is Leo and he was putting on lion's teeth because the lion was finally waking up which is the part of the song that nobody ever hears. But it's pretty metal!

Who????

That last caption was a joke for one single person!

Rex Calabrese is the most terrifying villain Batman has ever gone up against! A paunchy old man with dentures, bad contact lenses, and a horrible lion tattoo on his chest! How will The Jeezly Crow Batman ever defeat him? Although at least Rex chose a lion for his name. That's a whole lot scarier than a stupid bat. Although not that much scarier. All they do is lie around sleeping in the jungle!

Here's a fun fact! Lions don't actually live in jungles!

Isn't Barbara already grown up?

Back in South America, thanks to Batgirl's interference, a bunch of kids are out of a job! Doctor Falsario's knock-off super hero action figure warehouse is closed for good and a bunch of families aren't going to have enough money to eat this month. Nice one, Jerkogirl!

At least Batwoman discovered enough evidence to clear Commissioner Gordon. As long as the legal system in comic books is different than our legal system which probably wouldn't give a shit about this new evidence since the district attorney and the police behind the apprehension of Jim Gordon already have a win on the books and why fuck that up with new evidence from a country that doesn't even speak English!

And you know who we haven't seen much of lately? Spoiler! I mean, Stephanie Brown!

Good thing I'm not a critic so I can spoil all I want! I'm just a guy having a conversation with himself where everybody can sit and stare and watch me mumble incoherently.

Batman Eternal #20 Rating: No change. I hope that wasn't a crack at me and what I do, Scott Snyder and Tim Seeley and company! I may be an idiot with a keyboard but that doesn't mean I don't consider myself a professional idiot with a keyboard! I'm not just some shitty run of the mill review site like COMICSVERSE! I put effort into my scathing, humiliating commentaries about Tom DeFalco's mother's vagina! It takes time to craft such perfectly penned insults! If I ever meet you at a convention, Tim Seeley, I'm going to look you right in the face and say, "Who are you?" Then when you say, "Tim Seeley," I'm going to say, "Oh, really? Would you sign this copy of Batman Eternal #20? And could you make it out to 'Your pal, the idiot with the keyboard'?"