Green Lantern Corps #34

I hate the fucking Selfie Variants.

I hate everyone and everything. That is all. No, wait. It isn't! Go douse yourself in ice so you can make everything about you without actually putting any of yourself out there. Is there any of "you" actually to be put out there? I wish the ALS Challenge was a challenge to write a soul searching poem about oneself instead of taking a hobo shower. But I guess donations have gone up in the hopeless search for a cure for Lou Goeurioeg's Disease. I hear the administrators of the non-profit needed a significant bump in pay.

Here's my ALS Challenge:

THE ICE IS A METAPHOR FOR MY EXISTENCE

As it touches the back of my neck, I remember never being touched.
Enveloped in shocking, instantaneous but diffusive pain, I cherish the embrace.
Tickling down my nerves, enjoying the sensation of feeling something, anything.
Puddling around my feet, the moment gone, something lost, everything missing.

I challenge Jesus, my father, and my crippling lack of self-worth.

The Green Lantern Corps have access to the most powerful weapon in the universe but they still use adhesive bandages for treating minor scrapes and contusions.

John Stewart heads off on his quest to find Fatality. Does that mean he'll be too busy to take part in the New Gods crossover beginning in October? Fucking Green Lanterns. They just can't stay out of multi-book crossovers. I think DC should begin a new Green Lantern book that finally stars Simon Baz which simply takes place on Earth and tells old school Green Lantern stories where Baz deals with human problems every month. These constant cosmic crises are tiresome.

On Mogo, Hal now has to figure out what to do with all of the Green Lantern enemies who helped the Green Lanterns in the war against the Durlans. He can't just lock them all up again after they helped out. But he also can't trust them to not go off and enslave an innocent planet. So he assigns Van Daggley-doo as their parole officer.

Meanwhile on Cheorg, some cosmic zookeepers hired by the Durlans have abandoned their post and let the creatures go free. One of those creatures is Fatality.

The others are ex-cast members of Lilo and Stitch.

John finds his way to Fatality's zoo to rescue her but only finds the woman he knew before she became a Star Sapphire, the woman that wanted to kill him for destroying her planet. Seems she was a prisoner of the Star Sapphire ring and never actually loved John (or Mogo) after all! So that makes two identical women that John thought loved him who didn't love him at all! But at least they had sex with him. That's the most important part of dating anyway. I can't wait to experience that part! All I have to do is figure out the dating part! I suppose starting out a date by not saying, "I hate everyone and everything," might be a good start.

You don't know men at all, Yrra! Unless "eyes" is the word for "penis" in your native language!

I warned you she'd pull this shit last issue, John! You were raped by the Durlan and all Fatality cares about is that you didn't know you weren't fucking her! How dare you not realize you were being manipulated and toyed with! You probably liked it, didn't you? I mean, um, of course you did! The Durlan was an exact duplicate of Fatality! Although maybe you should have known something was up when she started to introduce all of that careless assplay into your love making.

Love making! Who thought up that euphemism for riding the wet stagecoach? Pillorying the platypus! Staunching the love wound? Capitulating to the lowest common denominator? Am I even close to any actual phrases used to describe fucking? The beast with one lower abdomen and too many feet?

Fatality leaves John to stand around blubbering about love and how the poets got it all wrong and how this is the worst thing that ever happened to him except for maybe that time his kitten died in his arms. Hopefully DC will never tell that story! I'm getting blubbery myself just remembering that it isn't a real story but now I think it is.

Green Lantern Corps #34 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was only a matter of time before John and Yrra's relationship fell apart. Remember that nobody can ever be in a happy, successful, mutually satisfying relationship! And I don't mean just DC Characters! That's a life lesson I'm handing out for free today! The biggest lie society has told you is that you need somebody else to make your life satisfying! Not that you can't enjoy being with other people. But make sure that you love yourself more than you love anybody else. I think that's a surefire way to doom every relationship you're ever in live a happy and successful life!