New Guardians #34

If I were Kyle, I would defeat the Psions just after they'd killed all the Bohemian Guardians.

It's understandable that people find God when they go through traumatic or painful experiences. I'm a staunch atheist and I moan, "Please Jesus. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus jesus jesus please," when I'm wracked by severe cramps sitting on the toilet bowl. If just a bout of diarrhea can make me wish for the healing power of a minor God's mortal son, just imagine if I were nearly dying! I'd probably even ask Mormon Jesus for help! Hell, I might ask him for help anyway. I think he wears a holster with two six shots and sings all of his parables. Remember when he sang about kids never telling lies and that idiot that confesses to breaking a window? Mormon Jesus is awesome.

I wish there were a comic book about Mormon Jesus. Maybe that's the independent comic book I was born to write!

If anybody in the DC Universe can use the word "kaiju" without me judging them just a little bit, it's Kyle Rayner.

Look, we all judge everybody all the time for various, sundry, idiotic reasons. So don't judge me for judging people over using a stupid word! At least I'm honest about my faults! Sometimes I can't fucking stand you readers, always trying to change me into something I'd rather not be! Jerkos! This blog was so much better when only Doom Bunny and Swickape were reading it!

I wonder if the younger and younger the writers become (or the younger and younger voices they try to simulate *cough*ScottLobdell*touchmyselfsecretly*), the more and more old man ranty I'm going to become. I said "ranty" not "randy!" Although what makes old men so hands on and gropey? You're creeping us all out, old dude!

I bet this issue is called "Sacrifices" because Quaros sacrifices himself to save the others! Who else is going to sacrifice anything in this comic book? Certainly not Carol Ferris! She's worth too much money for that kind of peasant-type bullshit. Sacrifice! I bet she doesn't even know what the word means! Or that its mantra is "BEH!" Oh wait, is that the mantra for Compassion? Fuck it. Who needs to know about sacrifice anyway!

Oh! Tinkers! That's who! Duh!

Meanwhile, the Bohemian Guardians escape.

Don't bother. He's already the second segment of an Alien Centipede.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris frees all the other biological experiments so that they can curl up in a ball and cry forever while not being imprisoned. At least the ones that didn't have their tear ducts removed. Or sewn shut. Or switched with their rectums. Although I'm sure those ones can still cry as well but they'd better hold in that turd. Ick!

Instead of crying like I would do, the maltreated aliens rush from their cells like horror monsters exiting a bank of elevators in that movie that basically felt like a lost episode of Angel. Didn't it seem like the evil organization in Cabin in the Woods might as well have been Wolfram and Hart?

That smoke is really starting to piss me off. I want to see what's going on in Quaros's basement!

Quaros decides that the only way to defeat the Psions is to destroy the ship with all of the Psions and their experiments inside of it. That means he'll die too because that has something to do with sacrifice. I looked up the meaning while you were busy in another browser window. But Quaros does make sure that the other Bohemian Guardians, Kyle Rayner, and Carol Ferris are all far away when the ship explodes.

The only problem with the explosion is that it went "BOOM" and before that, a little box was going, "Ping. Ping. Ping." We all know what that means, right? Quaros is on Apokolips now! I'm sure we'll be seeing him again in the Godhead crossover.

Says the woman who earlier finished Kyle's sentence that began with "We need to--" and ended with her saying "Find the Guardians and get some additional brainpower working on this?" I'm more apt to believe in gamma radiation turning a person into a Hulk than I am to believe that people ever finish other people's sentences as often as they do in comic books.

That whole "we finish each other's sandwiches" exchange between Tobias and Lindsay in Arrested Development is, well...actually it's just one moment in a show full of goddamned motherfucking pure genius.

New Guardians #34 Rating: No change. The main problem I have with this comic book is that I don't care about any of the characters. Otherwise, I like how he's off doing his own thing and having his own adventures with Carol. But I guess I can kiss that shit goodbye since he's going to get dragged right back into Green Lantern Corps drama in October. At least this crisis will star the New Gods. I hope Metron runs over Kilowog in his space chair. Then Black Racer will ski up and be all, "Dude, you're dead. You're dead dude. Dude. Dead. You're dead. Dude."