Batman Eternal #17

Is this the real cover or a 75th Anniversary of Batman cover?!

This issue begins three years ago because last issue ended with a resounding "Who the fuck is Deacon Blackfire?" from the readers. Well, this comic book is here to tell you who Deacon Blackfire is! Or who he was three years ago before he was sent to hell!

You know how religious figures always have to correct you when you call them by the wrong name? "Please, you don't have to call me Father. I'm not Catholic, you know." No, I didn't know that! I don't know anything about your five billion different Christian denominations with their quadzillion rules that nobody can remember. Hell, most Catholic priests can't even remember the rule about not diddling kids and I'm fairly certain that's like the second or third main rule! I think it goes "Don't have sex with women" and then "Hey, smarty pants. Don't have sex with kids either!" Those are like rules one and two because guys and their penises have a really special relationship. The guy tries to go about his life and the penis constantly interferes with every fucking thing he does all day long.

Penis: "Hey! Hey! Forget going to the bank! Did you see that woman bending over in the light summer dress? Come on! I know you saw that! Let's go see if she'll be amenable to fucking!"
Guy: "Calm down. I don't even know her! I've got better shit to do than act like a fucking creep when she's just trying to go about her day."
Penis: "Naw! She'd be into it! Just show me to her. She won't be able to resist!"
Guy: "You're crazy! And would you knock it off! I'm wearing boxers and slacks! People are going to notice you!"
Penis: "Oh yeah they will! And I'm only half-cocked! Get it? I'm huge! And punny!"
Guy: *Goes into nearest public restroom to masturbate so that his penis will leave him alone for three or four hours*

That's a pretty accurate portrayal of the daily life of every man, ladies! Don't believe any man that says it's not. That's just their penis lying to you! Any time you're in public, you're never further than thirty feet from at least one guy masturbating. It's a fact! They're fucking disgusting!

What the hell was I talking about? Who typed all that stuff? Why is their semen all over my keyboard?! PEEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIS!

That should probably be a sitcom. "I Love Penis!" I'd watch it.

How are all those people clapping without their left arms?!

Deacon Blackfire's soul has transmigrated into the body of Maxie Zeus through some kind of ritual shenanigans performed by The Joker's Daughter. Arkham has just become one great big mystic mess and The Spectre still continues to avoid entering the body of Jim Corrigan. I don't blame The Spectre at all. Jim is palling around with Batwing and what DC Character in their right mind wants to appear in a Batwing comic book? Perhaps when he learns this is a Batman weekly, he'll jump right into Corrigan and save the day.

I hate being so critical of Batwing since it's the only DC comic book left with a black lead (I suppose Green Lantern Corps could make an argument for having a black lead as well. But I can't consider John Stewart a solid lead on that book when DC wanted to kill him off in it!), but it's just been so boring and depressing lately! The last issue was actually pretty good! But that always seems to happen with cancelled titles. Too little too late.

Also, have we gone from referring to African Americans as "black" to "urban"? I didn't get the memo but it seems like that's becoming a fairly popular term. Does that mean I should begin referring to myself as "half-suburban, half-barrio"? Are haughty liberals going to start saying things like, "I don't see neighborhoods"?

Meanwhile in Tokyo, two of my favorite new characters are becoming fast friends!

Where is Harper going to post that picture? Is this her "Super Hero" phone with all of her secret super hero identity social media accounts? I suppose it doesn't matter since Red Robin insists on shouting her real name every few minutes.

Harper shocks the monkey and now I can't get the song out of my head. She threatens to reprogram it if Doctor Alexandrov refuses to help them defeat the nanobots infecting the children of Gotham City.

He just said her name right in front of you, you idiot!

When was the last time Batman was actually in this comic book? Can I sue DC Comics for fraud?

Well, three years ago, he makes an appearance in this comic book! I think I still have a case seeing as how Batman is only appearing in a flashback where he's being held captive by Deacon Blackfire. He's been chained in the Deacon's basement for seven days and seven nights consuming only the drugged wafers and partaking of only the drugged water. Deacon Blackfire also has other people he's plucked from his flock who get to be chained and ministrated upon, hallelujah!

I don't know what the ministrations are but I'm sure they're kinky!

Oh Deacon! You're so close to figuring it out! If only you'd unmasked him, you'd realize that his plan isn't to save everybody! His plan is to make a shitload of money by gentrifying, gentrifying, gentrifying!

Batman does that thing he does where he defeats the bad guy. You know that thing? The thing he always does even when the odds seem stacked against him! He even has a momentary throwback to his first story when a man died right in front him by falling into a vat of acid and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders. This time, Deacon Blackfire gets beaten to death by his "followers" while Batman stands there saying, "I'd help out but I've got these chains!" Then he holds up his chained together hands, frowns slightly, and sits down to watch the spectacle while smoking his pipe.

Actually, I don't know if Deacon Blackfire died at this moment or not. Probably not! I think standing by and watching someone get beaten to death is just over the line in Batman's Rules for Technically Not Killing People Although, Really, Come On!

Back in the present, Deacon Blackfire's followers all transform into Men-Bats and he sends them to recruit more followers.

Jesus Christ! More Men-Bats?! Haven't we had enough of them? I suppose these are less Men-Bats and more Vampire-Men-Bats. And by "recruiting more followers," they're actually going to go make more vampires. And meanwhile, The Spectre continues to refuse to materialize.

Batman Eternal #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was skeptical about a weekly Batman comic book but color me credulous! Or something. I'm enjoying this series a lot more than Futures End which is the weekly I thought I would really like. Although I think I'll super really like Multiversity! Unless they screw it up in the same way they're screwing up Futures End by limiting the awesome and crazy shit they can do because they seem to like boring and slow moving bullshit as opposed to lots of death and destruction and sex with decapitated monkeys and anal fissures that become sentient and nuclear farts and Superman masturbating to defeat an invading alien fleet with his supersonic Kryptonian ejaculate! Now that's a comic book!