Superboy #34

The final issue! Dun nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh, nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh, NUH NUH! Dun nun nun nun nun!

I sometimes wish that Europe's "Ninja" had become more popular than "Final Countdown." It's not a better song (which probably explains why it's not as well known) but it's certainly much stupider! And "Final Countdown" was not graduating from middle school any time soon itself! We're headed toward Venus?! Why are we going there?

Ninja survive! In dreams we make goo-goo eyes!
Oh!
Ninja survive! Is this a love song for some reason?!
Why is it about ninjas if it's also about love?
Do ninjas make chicks hot or is it just my gorgeous eyes?
Ninja survive! I'm Joey Tempest, dammit!
Oh!
Only one will survive! Marching on the trail of tears!

The first page of this issue makes me wish it had been canceled last month. If you thought it was funny, you're an idiot. That's just a helpful critique of your personality to enable you to gauge where you rate amongst the intelligentsia. A rating of "idiot" means you're better than the people that have ridiculously pretentious conversations over coffee drink with ridiculously high creation difficulty factors. It also means you rate slightly higher than politicians, lawyers, judges, and police because it takes less than an idiot to believe they've taken up a position of authority for "noble" reasons. Bunch of power hungry assholes is what that lot are. But a rank of "idiot" means you're slightly more annoying to be around than any kind of religious fundamentalist because I guarantee none of them are laughing at this first page of Superboy.

This page is presented in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Vision. It's a defense mechanism to keep me from having an aneurysm while I read awful dialogue.

The Green Lantern New Newsboy Legion member is far more skilled with the power ring than I'd expect from a rookie. Perhaps she knows Kilowog? She creates a bubble around all of her friends and escapes from the Evil Joke-el! They escape to a lower level where they can sit around and make a plan. I think the plan should be to have their two Superboys beat up the one bad Superboy. Plus maybe get some help from The Guardian, Rose Wilson, and Green Lantern Newsboy? Normally when I get in a gangfight and my gang has five times as many members as the other gang, I don't retreat. I press the attack and only when they slaughter most of my gang because we're not really fighters, more like dancers and lovers, then I retreat! But retreat shouldn't be the first choice in this situation. Unless that's what Sunny Sue says in her book, "The Art of War." Unlike everybody that scripts comic books and video games, I've never read the book. Although if I go by all the quotes I've seen used over and over and over again by various sources, I'd have to believe that the entirety of the text is "All war is deception."

Oh ha ha ha ha! I just can't get enough of the fat person always wanting food! Such a classic joke because it's so true! Fat people never talk about anything else!

How did this Superboy get so fat? Is there a color sun that doesn't provide strength and power for Kryptonians but instead just converts the energy into fat for later use? I bet Fat Superboy has the most potential of any Superboy here! I bet Kuder comes up with a good fart joke later because fat people fart all the time! Almost as much as they talk about eating.

I bet Mercury and Thallium "lead" up to this situation! Ah ha ha ha ha! Hey! Hey! Don't you Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Vision my dialogue, you jerko!

Some more explication takes place in lots and lots of Narration Boxes beside cartoony pictures of supposed events. Nobody needs to know any of this stuff because Superboy was ruined by Scott Lobdell a long time ago. He cannot be fixed so just cancel the comic book and bring back the clone, Conner Kent, at some point. Give him amnesia and a large cock and everything will be fine.

A big fight breaks out between Joke-el and his Legion of Superboys and Kon-el and his New Newsboy Legion plus The Ravagers. I hope they all lose.

And that's nearly exactly what happens! Jon-el grabs Joke-el and removes him from the pocket universe which returns everything to normal. Jon-el and Joke-el are erased from existence (as it should be) and Conner Kent is back where he belongs as the only Superboy in The New 52. I can't tell how big his cock is though because his crotch is hidden in shadow in his final appearance.

Superboy #34 Rating: -11 Ranking. Holy shit, it's finally over! Does DC realize how shabbily they've treated Superboy since The New 52? He was constantly involved in crossovers and rarely had any stories of his own in his own comic book. He was killed and turned into somebody else and said to have triple DNA strands and turned into Silver Surfer Junior and won Wonder Girl's heart by trying to kill her and told readers that he was a living weapon no fewer than thirty times! Oh how I've hated reading this comic book. I can't say it was worse than Ann Nocenti's Katana but seeing as how it went for thirty four issues while Katana only lasted eight, it destroyed a little more of my humanity than Katana did. I can't bring myself to retire it at any rank greater than the worst rank of The New 52, #52. Poor, poor Superboy fans. DC really did them a disservice. As Othello near the end of the fifth act, "Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh. Duh."