Batwoman #34

Remember when this comic book was fascinating as opposed to merely passable?

Batwoman has been having vampire troubles in Gotham City. I suppose that's more interesting than slapstick problems, or flightless bird problems, or brain teaser problems, or undead zombie assassin monster problems. That last one sounds like it could be vampire problems but it's not. It was a problem that went on and on and on for like eight years until all that was left was a mute undead zombie assassin monster that nobody would bother to buy a pad and pencil for so she could communicate more effectively.

At the end of last issue, Batwoman had been confronted by Nocturna, Night-Thief, and Killshot. It was a panoply of horribly named villains! I think I'll name my eventual memoir, "A Panoply of Masturbation Anecdotes." That should get it to fly right off the shelves!

Right, Batwoman? It boggles the mind. Also, I'm ignoring the fact that your moniker is "Batwoman." On the plus side, Moritat! Although, really, what kind of name is that as well?

Luckily for Batwoman, nobody is interested in her. Unluckily for Batwoman, she keeps putting herself between Killshot and Night-Thief so that they're reminded she's also somebody they can punch. Or shoot. Or rip off her weave.

Maybe these two can go out for a stake dinner afterward! That's a vampire joke because the best stakes have lots of garlic on them and vampires hate garlic! Oh! Also I spelled stake wrong! I meant steak.

Night-Thief gets shot a few times in the chest by Killshot and tumbles off of the building and into the bay, dragging Nocturna with him. Killshot somehow thinks he's going to receive a check for the assassination of Nocturna without any proof her demise, so he's even dumber than his name would suggest. And I already scanned two pictures too closely together or else I'd scan the panel where Moritat draws some really cute cleavage on Nocturna hanging upside down. Sorry about that, cleavage fans.

Cleveland should rename itself to Cleavage. That sounds like a fun town! As opposed to "Cleveland" which sounds like a rather unexciting sewage system.

Another reason Killshot isn't going to collect a check on this job is because Batwoman knocks him out cold with the old Bat-Electrified-Wire gag. Then she leaves him for the cops and goes out to her favorite dive bar, The Haunted Clam. Moritat must also head out for a drink since he's done with his part of the arting.

Instead of going to the bar, Kate Kane goes and cleans all of her possessions out of Maggie Sawyer's apartment. I'm really disappointed in Kate. She wants to be with Maggie. Maggie wants to be with her. Jaime likes her. But Kate is letting the whole incident where she startled the kid in the middle of the night get out of hand. Kate believes she's responsible for the tension between Maggie and her ex-husband. No, you know where that tension comes from, Kate? Divorce. It's just two bitter and resentful individuals trying to fuck with each other as much as they can because their feelings were hurt. I think the jerky way people treat each other during a divorce is caused by the huge embarrassment of having invited all of their friends to a ceremony that they subsequently shit all over. How do you keep the wedding presents after that and still look your friends in the eyes?

Kate tries to sneak out while just leaving a Dear Johnette letter (unless it's a Dear Jane letter (or maybe just a Fuck You, I'm Outta Here letter)) but Maggie comes home. And she's so happy to see her across the next two pages that I don't want to fucking turn the page! Poor Maggie. Jerko Kate! Stupid Dan DiDio.

Kate pretends everything is just fine before scurrying into the elevator and getting the hell out of there before Maggie gets a chance to read the letter. That's the second best way to break up with someone. The best way is to put your car in neutral, push it off of a bridge, and then start a new life in Argentina.

The letter is actually pretty decent. The only problem is that it's still Kate controlling and manipulating the people and the environment around her instead of trusting that other people can make decisions and compromises about their own lives all by themselves. Anyway, she's leaving Maggie until Jaime, Maggie's daughter, dies or runs away or decides she wants to live full time with her father. Then they can get back together and be two single people alone together. Or something.

With that not very sexy drama over, Kate goes home to get sexily bitten by a sexy vampire.

Lucky!

Batwoman #34 Rating: No change. At one point in the latter half of the comic, Kate's psychiatrist says to her, "You made a decision based on the emotional welfare of someone else. That proves you're not a sociopath." I think that means I am a sociopath! I don't think I've ever made a decision like that in my life! I didn't even know other people had emotional welfares! It's as if he's saying other people actually exist as autonomous beings! Ridiculous.