Supergirl #34

I hope this chapter isn't called Assimilation.

All of the Kryptonite has been removed from the atmosphere, so that green stuff must be Kara's super farts. That's why she's holding her stomach and her eyes are watering and her cape is flapping in the breeze.

I wonder when I last made a fart joke? Maybe I should have a counter on my home page that I'd have to reset now.

000 Days Since Last Fart Joke

Okay, enough about farts! This blog isn't being written by your best friend's father!

This issue doesn't begin with a crappy article by Lois Lane nor does it have a title page! I don't think it's actually a part of the Doomed story arc at all! Could it be DC is just using this opportunity to try to increase sales of Supergirl?! Shocking!

Is this kid shocked by her perfect ass or her thigh bones that are longer than her entire torso and head combined!

This kid's dog is named Scout. Recently, I saw some flyers for a lost dog up in my neighborhood for a dog named Scout. Either you named your dog poorly or your dog is still out on reconnaissance. Give him a chance!

Kara's new friend Michael recounts the plot of the previous Doomed books. He's not as clever as I am though! Although he's a lot more succinct. And he stays on point. And he actually says what happened instead of forgetting to mention all the other important bits so he can rage about some minor annoyance. He's so boring!

"Also, this fallout shelter cannot be opened for five years once the lock is thrown. So, um, how you doin'?"

How did Michael get Supergirl down into the basement? Do Kryptonians under a Yellow Sun weigh an incredible amount or are they light as a feather? Since bullets can't penetrate their skin, I'm going to jump to the conclusion that they're super dense! And if Superman walked around without using his flying to counteract his weight, he'd crash through the floor of any building he enters. Except for Lexcorp buildings because Lex plans for everything.

Michael continues to be really boring, blabbing on and on about why he's an atheist and how cute he thinks Supergirl is. What a loser! Don't let his trite charms fool you, Supergirl! He's not good enough for you! Nobody's good enough for you! I mean, one person is good enough for you!

Who do I talk to regarding getting myself made into a character in the New 52 Supergirl comic book so Supergirl can fall in love with me? I'm exactly who she needs! A mean-spirited blogger that tears down everything and creates nothing! Not that it's true that I create nothing but I thought I'd say that since I'm sure most of the assholes I do critique tell themselves that so they don't cry hysterically every time I point out how badly they don't deserve the paycheck DC is giving them.

Since Michael is such a boring piece of crap, he tries a new tactic to get Supergirl interested in him. He plays the pity card! Apparently his parents were in Metropolis when Lois Lane put everyone into comas and caused massive casualties which she'll probably never answer for. The perfect crime! She can even make money writing her own sensationalist headlines! "I WAS THE BRIDE OF A COSMIC COLLECTOR!" Anyway, Supergirl promises Michael that she will head to Metropolis and find his parents. And that he shouldn't worry because she doesn't plan to actually become part of the Doomed story arc at all even though the cover tells a different story. A big lying story!

By the way, Supergirl looks really cute this issue. Did you hear that, Supergirl?! You look super adorable! Dammit! Why did I say that? That sounded so cheesy!

Oh enough with Michael! Yippee! He lost the use of his legs and it didn't turn him into a whining, useless, depressed asshole! Big Kudos for Michael for getting on with life after he caused the wreck himself because he was texting and driving! Probably. I'm sure that's what happened because I hate fucking Michael! Get away from my Supergirl!

As Supergirl searches a tiny portion of the disaster area outside of the coma zone, she finds a black couple and assumes they're Michael's parents. I mean, they are. But what an assumption, right?! I mean, they did mention they had a son named Michael just as she found them. But still! Totally racist!

Oh, I can't say that about my darling Supergirl! I'm just clinging to any hope that she won't like Michael even if that hope means she hates Michael for horribly racist reasons! I'm such a dick! But my heart is breaking over here!

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Supergirl #34 Rating: -20 Ranking. Fuck DC! Fuck Tony Bedard! This was the worst fucking comic book I've ever fucking read in my life! I hate you all! Go to hell! Go to fucking hell!

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Sh-sh-sh-she looked l-l-l-like a st-st-st-upid fucking fr-fr-fr-frog when she k-k-k-kissed Mike-hole anyway. Huh. Huh. Huh. OH GOD! Noooooooo! SUPERGIRL!