New Suicide Squad #2

This looks like the cover to a DC Heroes Role Playing Game Module from the Eighties.

I don't think it's ever a good sign when a regular, $2.99 monthly comic book has seven creators listed on the cover. That says to me, "Deadlines were missed!" And then, from there, I extrapolate (that's this thing where you come up with an assumption based on a fact and, because every single person thinks they're a super intelligent, perceptive, intuitive genius, you believe the assumption just as strongly as you believe the fact. And even if your assumption is eventually proven wrong, it takes forever to get you to admit that you were wrong because admitting you're wrong means you are one step closer to being a mature adult and realizing you are actually a huge idiot and have been for your entire life. Why didn't anybody ever tell you?! How embarrassing!) that the art is going to be inconsistent and sloppy.

I should really tone down those lengthy parenthetical references! By the time the parentheses close, who can remember what the first half of the interrupted sentence was?!

At the end of last issue, the Rocket Reds had arrived in The New 52. They'll probably be bigger dicks than they were when they were first conceived because now they answer to Putin instead of Gorbachev. Also they're five stories tall. Unless that was just a misrepresentation by one of the dozens of artists working on the book.

I probably shouldn't exaggerate! One of the half dozen artists working on the book! That's better. I wouldn't want my position (that more artists make for a crappier comic book look) to seem weaker by trying to make it seem stronger through lying and manipulation! Sure, lying and manipulation can be a really effective way to sway the masses to your side! Right up until somebody points out that you're a liar and a manipulator. Although if you're a fair to middling liar and manipulator, that shouldn't stop you. Just lie and manipulate some more! The masses are pretty busy and they don't really have time to think about what they hear.

I knew two clowns were too many for this kitchen. That was an easy assumption to make because who even wants one clown in their kitchen?

Amanda Waller is trying to get some information from her team about the new Rocket Red Sentinel threat that suddenly cropped up. But why would they answer her questions? She's a jerko that's constantly threatening to blow their heads off. So Victor Sage begins asking questions but why would they answer him? They don't even know who he is or why he can't make a declarative statement or an exclamation.

Speaking of exclamations, can you believe the young children of my generation were taught that date rape was okay as long as you're good looking by that Schoolhouse Rock song about interjections? I'm not famous for my accuracy (or anything else) but the lyrics went something like this:

Geraldine played hard to get (unh unh hunh!)
But Geraldo knew he'd woo her yet.
He showed his affection
Despite her objections
While Geraldine muttered some interjections!
"Hey! That's not fair! Giving a girl a shot down there!"
"Boo! He's running the wrong way!"
"Hey! You're kind of cute!" "Darn! That's the end!"

I usually change the lyrics to "He gave an infection with his meat injection" but decided to use the real lyrics since they're date rapey enough without my slimeball interference. Although, I admit, only one of the things she interjects is actually what she says: "You're kind of cute!" Which is why we learned that if you're good looking, women can't be serious about not wanting to have sex with you! They're obviously just playing hard to get!

This isn't the only song where Schoolhouse Rock shows its age. Singing happily about Manifest Destiny? Celebrating how the cotton gin made more money for plantation owners and the myth that it created less work for slaves as opposed to more work because more cotton needed to be harvested? Advocating communism by showing how the Lolly's ran their business by giving away all of the product free? Disgraceful!

Hopefully this lineup will change regularly. We need some cannon fodder on this team and none of these characters fit the bill.

I forget what the Squad's mission was last issue although I do remember it sounded like complete bullshit. So it probably doesn't matter that I've forgotten it. I'm sure the Squad finds it irritating that Sage and Waller are constantly jabbering at them via communicator while they're trying to work. The Squad doesn't need to be micromanaged! Okay, well, maybe they do but I find it annoying so I don't want them to be micromanaged. Just give them the mission and set them loose.

Deathstroke, being the smartest apple in the box of crayons, turns off his communicator when he gets an offer to work with the Russians. And that's why Deathstroke doesn't work well on a team! Besides the fact that he has a habit of killing off the members of his team so he doesn't have to work with a team, you also need to constantly pay him more money than the next guy. Eventually you're going to run up against a next guy with more money than you and you've lost him.

Oh look! I think Deathstroke found the next guy.

The rest of the Squad have fled to the subway where the Rocket Sentinels can't find them. Instead, a Russian military black ops team finds them. And pays the price, of course. The Squad might not work well together but they know how to kill and maim people to survive. The only thing the Squad underestimated was the Rocket Sentinels' lack of interest in maintaining Moscow's infrastructure.

How is the government going to pay for new streets and Deathstroke's salary? Stupid robots.

If I were a consultant being paid to help the Squad with their public image, the first advice I'd give would be for Deadshot to lose the four fucking pouches on his chest. You look like an idiot, Floyd. Knock it off. Also stop pretending to die at the end of an issue to create fake tension. Everybody knows that Deadshot always survives!

New Suicide Squad #2 Rating: No change. Most of this issue was Waller and Sage asking what was going on and Black Manta and Deadshot smarting off to them and refusing to answer their questions. The book would be better without the higher ups having to add their voices to the chaos of the mission. I would think, being that they don't want the super villain teams tied to the American government, radio silence would be rule number one. Waller and Sage should have three jobs: give the team the mission, drop them off, and then meet them at the extraction point. Between dropping them off and picking them up, they should just butt the fuck out. Let Manta lead instead of constantly asking him what's happening so that they can assess the situation and then tell Manta what to do. Trust your workers, jerkos! Oh! One other thing that Waller and Sage could do that would really make this book terrific: hire Condor for the next mission and get him killed!