Futures End #16

Brainiac can't be The Cancelator! That would be too boring and then all the people that always take the safest bets would have guessed the Futures End antagonist correctly. I hate those people, always playing it safe and never betting on 100 to 1 long shots and always saving their money for retirement and having goals and plans! Show off jerkos!

Last night, my Shuffle's Volume Up button decided it didn't want to work anymore. Which meant that if I want to hear Electric Six at a volume that doesn't destroy my ear drums, I'll never again be able to hear another song by Simon and Garfunkel. What was even worse was that my Shuffle decided that, perhaps, the Volume Up button might work better as a secondary Volume Down button. So pretty soon I was listening to my music at no volume at all. Which isn't as great as you might think. All I could do is look at the screen and think, "Yeah, that song would be nice to hear right now."

I was, at least, able to set the Shuffle back to factory settings which raised the volume back up to the midway point. Once I get a new Shuffle, I suppose I could sell this one to a family that cares about their child's hearing.

Maybe my Shuffle was infected with the Skeets Virus?! See that? Now I can go right into talking about Futures End without some kind of awkward, stumbling segue.

Five years from now, cash will be scarce! So no different than my lifestyle now.

I've talked about The Mark of the Beast before but I'll talk about it again because who reads every single one of my posts anyway? Who has the time? I should probably recycle a lot more material than I already do. I don't think self-plagiarism is illegal!

People who believe in The Mark of the Beast kind of crap always have this idea that they'll never fall for it because who would ever, knowing that it means the end of the world, get a mark tattooed on their hand or a chip imbedded in their wrist that would allow them to make purchases? They'd see that coming and say, "Oh no! I know better! Fuck you, Devil McDevilish! No mark for me, thank you!" But nobody ever considers that the reason it would happen is not because everybody would suddenly weigh the benefits of the mark versus the evil it would do bringing about the destruction of the world but because everybody would be fooled into getting the Mark of the Beast. And guess what, assholes? You all fucking fell for it! The Mark of the Beast is smart phones! Eventually (apparently five years from now), money will be used less and less because everybody will just be scanning their cell phones at registers to have their cash deducted straight from their account. And if you were an old weirdo mystic from thousands of years ago and saw a vision of people scanning some mark held in their hand, you wouldn't know to say they were using some kind of mechanical device. You'd just note the vision had a mark and a hand and boom! Mark of the Beast. Y'all are devil worshiping assholes! But don't worry! I'm not using a smart phone and never will because I have a smart head. I prefer to access the knowledge that's in my own brain as opposed to stopping in the middle of every conversation to look shit up like some Future Retard. Also, I don't like for people to be able to get in touch with me.

No Apologies! Press should probably be forced to change the name of their web comic to "Future R-Slur," amirite?

Transparency: I am 1/3 of No Apologies! Press.

More Transparency: The baby in Future Retard is me.

Still More Transparency: I am also the protagonist of Future R-Slur!

Even Still More Unwanted Transparency: Most of the initial scripts for the comic were written at Comic-con in the late nineties. Unless it was in 2000. Is 2000 part of the nineties? I think it is!

Stormguard's cape has too many stripes. Unless five years in the future, they've discovered more original US colonies!

Over on Cadmus Island, King Faraday has decided Fifty Sue, Cole Cash, Deathstroke, and, I guess, Twofer Lana Lang need to investigate the Stealth OMAC troubles. They appeared about a month ago. Right around when Cole Cash came to the island. I'm sure it's his fault somehow.

You know what's been missing lately? All of those Narration Boxes that Cole Cash usually creates in every scene he's in. His constant, miserable narration of every situation he's in is the most entertaining aspect of his character.

Mister Terrific has now become the most intelligent person on New Earth as opposed to the third smartest person that he always bragged about being. Or it's just possible that The Cancelator, whom he's always speaking to, just knows the importance of sunshine inside assholes.

Here's a picture of Super Booster punching out Rampage as Lois Lane ruins her underwear. Unless it's Rampage whose underwear was ruined in this scene. It certainly wasn't mine. Why does Superman have to wear so many clothes?!

Rampage blows off the bottom of Superman's welder's mask with one of the soldier's guns because these soldiers don't know how to keep their hands on their weapons. But just seeing Superman's teeth and part of his cheek bones doesn't tell me anything except that Superman is not Jonah Hex.

Back in space, Hawkman, Amethyst, and Frankenstein discover the identity of the creature that destroyed Stormwatch and is Borging up everything.

I know! Some reveal! This was on the cover! It might as well have been a Brainiac Selfie cover.

Futures End #16 Rating: No change. Speaking of a Brainiac Selfie cover, I decided to edit the cover so that it became a Selfie Variant. Does that make this an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea variant cover? Finally the reveal of the major antagonist but it's so boring that I have to believe some greater power is manipulating Brainiac. Maybe Brainiac is infected with the Skeets Virus and Skeets is the master behind it all?