Green Arrow #34

Oh, just fucking break already.

I think I'm too rambling and verbose for the internet age. I should probably be producing zines instead of creating this whole, vague web-presence thing. But I have to maintain it for when I eventually have a product to sell! Maybe my first product will be a role playing game where you play a critic and you have to severely critique famous rock acts, or celebrity chefs, or tough guy mystery novelists! Then once your critique comes out, you have to try to stay alive as they send thugs and Green Arrows to shut you down. You'll need a thick skin because you'll constantly be told by the people you critique that you should stop tearing other people down (no matter how much they're stinking up the world with their "art"). Or if you say they can't draw, they'll say, "Let's see you draw better!" As if I'm going around claiming to be an artist! I'm a critic! And guess what? We critics don't have the luxury of saying, "Oh yeah? You think I suck at criticizing? Well let's see you criticize!" Because generally they just got done criticizing us. Jerkos!

Now I'm in a sour mood! How dare people think that the job I do is mean and useless and without merit? Fuck them right in their Goddamned faces! I bring joy to the faces of every person that ever had $3.99 stolen from them by DC Comics and their horrible editorial interference! When somebody comes home excited to read Catwoman and then gets diarrhea sprayed right into their open and aghast mouths, they can go online to read my scathing opinion of how badly Ann Nocenti needs to rethink her end of life career choice. Then they smile and laugh and repress the shit guzzling incident they just experienced because I just saved their life! I save people's sanity and what good is life without your sanity? Hardly worth anything at all practically! I'm a fucking hero!

It's a good thing I'm a hero so at least one hero is represented in this review. Green Arrow certainly doesn't cut it!

The biggest cliffhanger last issue was Diggle plummeting to his death while strapped to an office chair. That's resolved on the first page as Green Arrow fires his Fluffy Stuff to Land On Arrow. It's a good thing he keeps his arrows organized in his quiver or else he might have fired his Explode the Shit Out of Everything Arrow.

Yeah, that one!

I don't know what Green Arrow is exploding the shit out of in the last panel (everything?). The side of a building? Maybe he believes the building just tried to kill Diggle. You'd think Ollie would be a bit more responsible about what he's exploding the shit out of. Just because Dick Dragon just tossed Diggle out of that building it doesn't mean everybody within it is in cahoots with Dick Dragon, Guy That Once Took A Few Kung Fu Classes.

The other cliffhanger had to do with Henry being called "Fyff" by his true love, Naomi, after he'd been shot in the stomach. That bit is resolved on the second page of this comic where we find out that Naomi has now also yelled out, "Henry!" Does her quick thinking correction mean she loves him a little bit? No, I bet it means she's pretty sure he's about to die so she's throwing him a bone. Now she'd better hope the wound is mortal or she's going to have to go on at least one uncomfortable date.

Emiko flies from the shadows to put down Clock King. He's the guy that fired the gun into Fyff's stomach. Luckily Fyff has some extra fat around his gut that might act as body armor. But I don't think Clock King has enough fat on his face to protect him from Emiko's tiny fists of fury.

Have you learned nothing from your recent beatdown, Killer Moth? Poison Moth Farts of Death first, gloat second!

Back at the ever nearing confrontation between Green Arrow and Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Hobbyist, Diggle shoots two guys in the head. He'd better not pull that kind of shit around Emiko! She'll call him a coward and then threaten his life. Ollie doesn't mind though. I know he's mostly a non-killing kind of hero but I think he makes the occasional exception. Especially when somebody else does it for him and he doesn't have to take responsibility.

They take the elevator up to Dick Dragon's apartment because it opens directly on the room where Dick Dragon threw Diggle out of the window. Maybe it's a private elevator for the penthouse? Or was Dick Dragon just conducting business in the lobby of the 32nd floor?

But that's the main event and it will have to wait until Killer Moth is taken care of. Yet again, he forgets to pull the trigger on his canister backpack gun. He engages in a conversation with Emiko until he's shot in the back of the head by Red Dart's wrist dart contraption.

See? That's the proper order of attack! 1. Shoot. 2. Gloat.

Count Vertigo gets a bit of a cameo as he keeps the police from ruining the showdown. But he'll probably slink away in disgrace once he realizes Dick Dragon has been defeated. Unless he gets caught again because he's needed in the Suicide Squad. Although he was supposed to be in Belle Reve once already and never made it! Maybe Forever Evil set him free.

According to Dick Dragon, the battle between him and Green Arrow is over before it begins. Great! That saves a lot of reading time. But I should probably scan the battle pages just to make sure. Dick Dragon is no Midnighter! He may be able to do a few carnival tricks like guessing the weight of his opponent and recognizing clothing brands, but I doubt he's played this battle out in his head hundreds of different ways already. Dick Dragon is too cocky. He's played it out in his head exactly one way. Which means he won't see all the surprise fight moves Green Arrow's going to throw his way.

Maybe. Maybe Ollie will just be killed here! The title of the story is "Broken"! Is it time for Green Arrow to get his back snapped?

Use the Boxing Glove Arrow! It's like the Crane Kick! It can't be defended against! Unless this is the sequel! Is this the sequel? What happened between the first Karate Kid and the second Karate Kid that made the Crane Kick suddenly a weak ass move? I bet everybody studied the tape of LaRusso's championship win.

Dick Dragon may have beaten both Green Arrow and Diggle in about ten seconds flat. But that doesn't mean they've lost! Because even though they both have multiple broken bones and serious lacerations, they have something else that will let them win in the end: each other!

Gay!

I mean, Yay! Green Arrow has learned the lesson that Jeff Lemire has been hinting at for the last few issues! Green Arrow must depend on a strong team because otherwise he only has arrows and arrows are kind of stupid.

Wait. That's the extent of the teamwork? Diggle tosses him an arrow and says, "Catch"?

After Green Arrow delivers his "I'm not broken; you're broken!" line, is the audience supposed to stand up and cheer? Way to go, Ollie! What resourcefulness! What teamwork! What stick-to-itiveness! But not "what a hero!" Fuck that. I'm the hero, Ollie. I am! Me!

Ollie and Diggle leave Dick Dragon to bleed to death and head down to look for Count Vertigo. But he's gone just like I said he'd be! He's such a predictable coward. And forget what I said about Ollie's stick-to-itiveness. He hasn't got any because he just bails on hunting down Vertigo. "Enh, fuck it. I'm tired. Let's go home!"

Green Arrow #34 Rating: +3 Ranking. And that's that! No more Outsiders! No more gallivanting through space fighting aliens! No more mysterious islands and blind magic men and that guy that led the Axe Clan that was The Butcher from the nineties who I don't even remember. Now it's all hipsters and coffee and indie rock bands and elephant car washes and fancy cupcakes and Go Games and monorails and Capitol Hills and Unicorn Narwals and Wednesday Night half-priced cover at the Rebar because Green Arrow is staying in Seattle! His new team is made up of Emiko, Diggle, Naomi, and Henry Fyff. I can't believe this comic book has found its way back from the precipice after what Nocenti and Krul and Giffen and Winnick did to it! Some of those names more than others, of course. But they all had a hand in making this one of the shittiest comic books to survive every round of cancellations so far. And its future looks pretty good!